Latest / The Parenting Podcast / From Nest to Next: Parenting through The College or Career Launch | Ep. 89

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From Nest to Next: Parenting through The College or Career Launch | Ep. 89 · The Parenting Podcast

0:06
Hey there, it's Cheryl Lang welcoming you to a new episode of the Parenting Podcast.
0:12
Today we're diving headfirst into a topic that hits close to home.
0:17
That bittersweet season when our older kids take those necessary steps forward.
0:23
Whether it's stepping onto a college campus or embarking on their career journey.
0:29
I certainly wasn't prepared for how complex this portion of parenting is.
0:36
As parents, we've shared a million experiences.
0:39
Helped them navigate the ups and downs throughout their lives.
0:43
And now they're charting their own course.
0:47
Here's a huge span of emotions that comes with this transition.
0:51
Ranging from pride, to concern, to grief, to excitement.
0:57
Amidst these feelings, TPP is here beside you, walking with you on this journey.
1:03
So grab your favorite mugs, settle in, and let's embark on this adventure.
1:08
Ensuring that our connections remain strong, even as our kids spread their wings.
1:22
Cheryl: Well, as y'all know, this is the back to seats.
1:26
Cheryl: This is the back to school.
1:29
Cheryl: Say that fast three times.
1:31
Cheryl: gentle laugh This is the back to school season for everybody.
1:35
Cheryl: Yes, you know, and so we've been talking about it.
1:39
Cheryl: But there's one huge area I've had so many parents come to me over the years, but particularly recently, They're children moving out or moving on.
1:52
Cheryl: It is so hard.
1:53
Cheryl: Graduated, and it's appropriate.
1:55
Cheryl: Yeah.
1:55
Cheryl: They're going on to a different stage of life outside the home.
1:58
Cheryl: Or, Just the home is a dormitory occasionally.
2:04
Cheryl: How about y'all?
2:05
Cheryl: How did y'all handle that?
2:06
Cheryl: Was this an easy transition in general for you?
2:09
Christie: Or how did it was not an easy transition for me.
2:13
Christie: It was by far the hardest part of parenting.
2:16
Christie: Over the whole course of all of it.
2:19
Christie: I will
2:19
Cheryl: confirm, I'm laughing.
2:21
Cheryl: Because...
2:22
Cheryl: Christy and I are good friends over the years and your first one, launching your first one when she moved out.
2:30
Cheryl: Brutal.
2:30
Cheryl: It was really brutal on all of us.
2:33
Cheryl: Yeah.
2:34
Christie: Oh, I believe it.
2:36
Christie: I'm thankful that you guys stuck it through, stuck through it with me.
2:40
Christie: Yeah, I mean it was just.
2:42
Christie: I think a big shock for me.
2:44
Christie: I think I knew obviously over the years, eventually my children would leave.
2:49
Christie: I, I, everyone knows that.
2:51
Christie: But when it actually came to it, I was blindsided.
2:55
Christie: Like I, I didn't realize how hard it would be.
2:59
Christie: For one, my oldest went.
3:01
Christie: 14 hours away.
3:03
Christie: So that, you know, just out of the gate, I got broken in real quick.
3:06
Christie: And so that was a big part of it.
3:08
Cheryl: What else?
3:09
Cheryl: What else made it so hard for you now that you're reflecting
3:12
Christie: back?
3:12
Christie: Well, now that I'm on my fourth, you know, almost fourth graduate, I think what happened was I grieved the dissolving of our family all at once.
3:24
Christie: Like with the first one, it just everything changed.
3:27
Christie: Everything changed.
3:28
Christie: And so I think it was Premature compounded grief, if that makes sense.
3:33
Christie: Like I was already seeing the future.
3:36
Christie: Yes, exactly.
3:37
Christie: And so I think that was a big part
3:39
Cheryl: of it.
3:39
Cheryl: So you were thinking of all of them leaving crammed into
3:43
Christie: the first.
3:43
Christie: Yes, and the ways that all the dynamics of our family would change.
3:47
Christie: And I kind of had this mindset that if we're not all together, we can't do it.
3:51
Christie: do any of the family things.
3:54
Christie: And so I knew better than to stop doing those things, but it felt empty.
3:59
Christie: It felt like, you know, well, now we can't do movie night or we can't do family fun night or the things that we would always do.
4:06
Christie: Um, and I think there was probably some, you know, me taking it personal, feeling like rejection, all the things we talk about on this podcast that I didn't have to listen to.
4:18
Christie: Yeah.
4:19
Christie: I mean, I, I remember though, you know, leaving her in Alabama and when I, when we drove home, it felt like I had taken my newborn baby in a little cradle and sat her in the middle of a forest and just left.
4:34
Christie: And I remember when I got home actually searching for podcasts to listen to or books to read and I would, anybody that I knew that had graduated a child I wanted to talk to and I actually have a friend who, um, has younger daughters than I do, and she was really supportive and comforting, even though she hadn't been to that point yet.
4:54
Christie: And her oldest just graduated this year.
4:57
Christie: And so I called her the other day, I was like, how are you doing?
5:00
Christie: But yeah, it was just a brutal go for me and, but it, it, Like I said, I, I grieved so much in the beginning that the others actually had to convince my other girls.
5:10
Christie: I am sad.
5:11
Christie: I wouldn't, it's not that I cared more about her graduating, but yeah.
5:16
Cheryl: And mine was a bit of a soft launch because, um, my older ones, opted to go to college, but because room and board was free at home, they stayed home.
5:29
Cheryl: But, I went through a lot of that because, simply because they received mail at my house, it was just a radical change.
5:37
Cheryl: Some
5:38
Ellen: Receive mail and they're and they're in their forties.
5:42
Ellen: I have a box of mail they pick up once a month.
5:44
Christie: That's hilarious.
5:45
Cheryl: But so it was a little bit of a soft launch, but there were so many of the same changes.
5:50
Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
5:50
Cheryl: what about you, Ellen?
5:51
Cheryl: I
5:51
Ellen: think, um, because I am kind of adventured centered, I always was excited, like when my first one left.
5:58
Ellen: I mean, I still had four more children at home.
6:01
Ellen: But when my first one left, he, he went to college for a bit, and then he joined the military, joined the Marines.
6:07
Ellen: And being a military family, we couldn't understand why he joined the Marines and not the Air Force, but that's a whole nother, that's a whole nother.
6:15
Ellen: issue.
6:15
Ellen: But, um, I think I guess I get got excited for my kids leaving because I saw it as a really positive and a new adventure for them.
6:23
Ellen: And, um, the hardest one, of course, was our youngest when she finally left.
6:28
Ellen: But, you know, it's there's probably lots of you out there that are having kids that are right at the stage.
6:33
Ellen: Sometimes they don't move out.
6:36
Ellen: permanently, because I would say, you know, almost all of my kids, well, I could say all of them came back after they'd moved out for a while and came back and lived again with us.
6:46
Ellen: And then, you know, until they actually, now that I can say, at least so far, everyone's permanently on their debt.
6:53
Christie: We're on to grandchildren, so, and I, that was true of us.
6:57
Christie: We had times where, you know, Cassidy came back for a while and then Natalie moved out and moved back for a while.
7:02
Christie: And I think, I'm kind of an all or nothing person.
7:05
Christie: So a lot of that magnified grief was because I didn't expect that to happen.
7:10
Christie: I kind of thought it was, this is the end, you know, and that's the truth.
7:14
Christie: They, they do kind of boomerang sometimes and that's fine.
7:17
Christie: They, they need a little extra
7:18
Cheryl: help.
7:19
Cheryl: Well, and as we said, and you referenced it also, there's just not a lot of good material out here to help through this.
7:28
Cheryl: So.
7:29
Cheryl: Yeah.
7:29
Cheryl: TPP wants to step into that.
7:31
Cheryl: So what would you all say if, you know, or what have you learned or what would be the big picture of how you would equip parents to approach this launch, to think about this, to prepare themselves and their kids for this?
7:47
Cheryl: The launch, whether it's a really hard launch, like joining the military or a soft launch,
7:53
Ellen: college around the corner or the job or the apartment.
7:56
Ellen: Oh, I think it's really important how we approach this.
7:59
Ellen: Absolutely.
8:00
Ellen: Because if you make your child feel inadequate.
8:04
Ellen: Wow.
8:04
Ellen: Yes, talk more about that.
8:06
Ellen: Because if, if, if you're over parenting.
8:10
Ellen: While they are leaving and they have left and you're sending them reminders and constantly doing this and that you're saying to them And you don't mean it you mean it lovingly, but you're saying I think you're an adequate To live an adult life.
8:24
Ellen: And so if I don't watch over you you're just gonna blow it
8:26
Christie: somehow That is really good a really good point.
8:29
Christie: And I think that's the first decision we have to make is yes, the relationship is changing and just to know that from the get go and that my actions might communicate something different than what I intend.
8:41
Christie: Like you said, that feels very loving to, Oh, did you get your shoes?
8:45
Christie: Did you get this?
8:46
Christie: Don't forget that.
8:47
Christie: Yes.
8:47
Christie: You know, but to them, it feels like.
8:49
Christie: Do you think I'm an idiot?
8:51
Christie: Yes.
8:51
Christie: But, you know, if we've worked all these years, I'm sure we didn't produce idiots that are going to go out and do things.
8:56
Christie: Well, it's
8:57
Cheryl: not even that, Christy.
8:58
Cheryl: We may have produced idiots.
9:00
Cheryl: They may have turned out to be.
9:01
Cheryl: But it's still
9:02
Christie: not our role
9:02
Cheryl: anymore.
9:03
Cheryl: No, it isn't.
9:03
Cheryl: And that's the thing.
9:04
Cheryl: Our role has drastically changed.
9:07
Cheryl: And just what you're saying, I'm hearing so many.
9:11
Cheryl: They're particularly moms, micromanaging still.
9:15
Cheryl: Oh, I used
9:15
Ellen: to, my mom, I would go home to visit, and she was in her 80s, and she still asked me every night if I brushed my
9:22
Cheryl: teeth.
9:23
Cheryl: Wait, wait, but you're talking about after you've been out on your own for 40 years.
9:26
Ellen: Yes, I'm married with popping in to say, I was actually coming to help her and she asked me, she'd pop in my room.
9:32
Ellen: Did you remember about brush your teeth?
9:34
Ellen: My mom, I did.
9:35
Ellen: And if we went somewhere, she used to go, do you think you need a
9:37
Christie: sweater?
9:38
Christie: Well, you know, all of my girls drive now, obviously.
9:41
Christie: And every time I get in the car with them, you know, I've got like one hand on the bar over here gasping and they always say something to the effect of.
9:49
Christie: I drive without you all the time.
9:52
Christie: Yeah.
9:52
Christie: You know?
9:53
Christie: I know.
9:53
Christie: And so it is our instinct it is to keep parenting, but it's just not wise, relationally.
9:57
Christie: No.
9:58
Cheryl: And I think the best word I know that encapsulate that is autonomy.
10:02
Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
10:03
Cheryl: that we have to make it a priority.
10:06
Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
10:07
Cheryl: To appear and to work at respecting their autonomy.
10:11
Cheryl: Right.
10:12
Cheryl: Because.
10:13
Cheryl: Early on, I thought that was related to maturity, that, that, that you
10:19
Ellen: kind of
10:20
Cheryl: earned it when you're mature enough, as you really showed all your mature decisions.
10:24
Cheryl: Okay.
10:25
Cheryl: But instead, it's a Cold cut, man.
10:29
Cheryl: Yeah.
10:29
Cheryl: We have to respect their autonomy.
10:31
Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
10:31
Cheryl: and their dumb decisions.
10:33
Cheryl: Right.
10:33
Cheryl: And they're dumb decisions.
10:34
Cheryl: Right.
10:34
Cheryl: And we can't tell'em it's dumb anymore.
10:36
Cheryl: No.
10:37
Cheryl: You know, and
10:38
Ellen: you can't have the look either.
10:39
Ellen: Right.
10:40
Christie: oh man.
10:40
Christie: It just start practicing your neutral face now because it's so hard when they're saying something that's absolutely ridiculous and you're just.
10:50
Christie: Plastering this odd smile, trying to not let your face show what your brain is thinking.
10:55
Christie: One of our girls came home and like for six weeks she was a flat earther, you know?
11:01
Christie: And I was just like, oh my goodness, what is happening to our child?
11:07
Christie: And that's the thing is most of the things that come out of their mouth don't last long.
11:11
Christie: Right.
11:11
Christie: And that's what I'm learning is just.
11:12
Christie: to let it roll, you know, let's just go with it while it's a phase trying to find themselves.
11:17
Ellen: And we forget that we all did that in those years.
11:21
Ellen: We experienced, I don't mean in a negative way, like drugs and sex and stuff like that.
11:26
Ellen: That might be unfortunately included, but they're trying to find out who they are.
11:31
Ellen: And so it feels weird to us because they're kind of pushing us away as they're like, well, I don't know who I am.
11:37
Ellen: And so that's, that's a
11:39
Cheryl: hard thing.
11:40
Cheryl: And see on YouTube.
11:41
Cheryl: Two things you said.
11:42
Cheryl: You said, they're kind of pushing us away.
11:45
Cheryl: I want to do the push myself.
11:47
Cheryl: I want to be the one who backs off.
11:50
Cheryl: And then several things here.
11:51
Cheryl: I want to try and not have a neutral face, but a face that shows respect and interest, right?
11:58
Cheryl: No matter what they say, right?
11:59
Cheryl: Because I want to be that safe place.
12:02
Cheryl: That if sometimes the neutral faces
12:04
Christie: is all you can muster.
12:06
Cheryl: I know that too.
12:08
Cheryl: Like Helen, you're saying.
12:09
Cheryl: Even if they aren't into the heavy duty stuff, I want to want to that relationship and respect.
12:14
Cheryl: So when it is the hard stuff that they will come and talk to me, because if I'm going, did you separate your whites from your darks in your laundry?
12:28
Cheryl: Did you overload the Washing machine.
12:30
Cheryl: I
12:31
Ellen: saw the back of your car.
12:32
Ellen: Do you ever empty
12:34
Cheryl: it?
12:35
Cheryl: All of that.
12:36
Cheryl: If I do that to them and show that disrespect for them as a person and their autonomy, they're not going to talk to me about the drugs and the sex.
12:45
Cheryl: Well, yeah,
12:46
Christie: you're never going to get the mutual respect that you desire whenever they do come out of their flat earth phase or whatever the thing is.
12:53
Christie: And they do want to talk about, Hey mom, what do you think about this?
12:57
Christie: That respect's not going to be there if we're constantly hovering and nagging and telling our thoughts before they're asked.
13:03
Cheryl: Yeah.
13:04
Cheryl: But Ellen, I think you were saying it.
13:06
Cheryl: You were talking about they're the ones to determine how much contact or how close it is.
13:10
Cheryl: Well,
13:10
Ellen: because otherwise you're the hovering mother.
13:13
Ellen: Mm-hmm.
13:13
Ellen: you know, or the H hovering parent.
13:15
Ellen: Whereas just like any changing relationship, you let them establish kind of the perimeter.
13:22
Ellen: Yeah.
13:22
Ellen: Of how they want the relationship.
13:24
Ellen: If you respect that, they're more likely to open the door a little bit wider.
13:28
Ellen: Yeah,
13:28
Christie: I had this experience, and we actually just talk about it.
13:31
Christie: I just say, How can I love you best in this season?
13:35
Christie: What, what do you need from me?
13:37
Christie: And, you know, sometimes I get kind of a vague answer like, You're fine, Mom.
13:41
Christie: Yeah.
13:41
Christie: I know.
13:42
Christie: And then other times I've gotten specifics.
13:44
Christie: One of mine said, My favorite thing you do is text me and say, No need to respond.
13:48
Christie: Yeah.
13:49
Christie: Just thinking about you or hope you have a good day or been praying for you or and, and that gets her off the hook, but then it communicates my love and affection for her.
13:59
Christie: Reminds her that, you know, there's somebody in her court.
14:02
Christie: Yeah.
14:03
Cheryl: Yeah.
14:04
Cheryl: I had my kids tell me saying, by the way, mom, you should tell the other mothers, not so many texts.
14:14
Cheryl: Not so long a text, and drop the emojis.
14:17
Cheryl: Yes, drop the emojis.
14:19
Cheryl: You know, a thumbs up emoji, that's good.
14:23
Cheryl: So, someone recently, I was talking to her, and I said, So, cut way down on how quickly you respond and all of that, because it appears hovering.
14:32
Cheryl: Right, exactly.
14:34
Cheryl: It appears that you are micro moderating.
14:36
Cheryl: Meddling, kind of meddling too, you know, that they can't do it.
14:39
Cheryl: What are you doing?
14:39
Cheryl: You're at the grocery store, what are you buying?
14:42
Cheryl: And, and to.
14:43
Cheryl: Back off on it.
14:44
Christie: Right?
14:45
Christie: Would you be a really unhealthy friendship if I hovered over a friend like that?
14:49
Christie: Yeah, that's so true.
14:51
Cheryl: And it doesn't show respect.
14:53
Cheryl: Yes.
14:53
Cheryl: And then, you know, they are becoming adults.
14:58
Cheryl: And so I want to have the really big perspective I want to develop this relationship because I want to have it the entire rest of my life.
15:08
Cheryl: Right.
15:09
Cheryl: And so, I want them to trust me.
15:12
Cheryl: And when I'm not showing them respect, or I'm not showing kindness for what they're telling me, even if it's flat earth.
15:20
Cheryl: Right.
15:20
Cheryl: and we don't agree.
15:21
Cheryl: And there are things that are very serious that aren't flat earth.
15:24
Cheryl: Right.
15:25
Cheryl: Right.
15:25
Cheryl: That My children could believe in or support or be an activist in where it's hitting like a core value of mine, but I want to love them well enough to show respect so we can keep that relational bridge open because this is the relational bridge that's going to last for the rest of my life
15:45
Ellen: well, and I think that what you said is, you know, we want to make that part of the core of our relationship, that there's respect there.
15:52
Ellen: Yes.
15:53
Ellen: And, I mean, I have a situation with one of my adult kids that we're not agreeing on something and, um, She wants to pursue it.
16:00
Ellen: And so I have to respect that.
16:02
Ellen: I mean, we're talking somebody in their forties, wants to pursue it.
16:05
Ellen: So she gave me a book to read.
16:07
Ellen: I don't really want to read the book, but I will read it because that's, that's right to do.
16:12
Ellen: And I will be willing to talk with her on the subject because it's
16:15
Christie: important to her.
16:16
Christie: Well, and that's the way that we all process our values.
16:19
Christie: That's how we ended up with the values we have today is we explored other opinions, other ideas and, and, Determined what we find to be true and live and we should respect that journey for our own kids,
16:31
Ellen: right?
16:31
Ellen: And we're not guaranteed that Our way was so right that it can't be challenged or changed and we have to be Ready to accept that maybe our kids see it a little differently
16:43
Christie: and have humility that we can sometimes learn from our kids
16:45
Cheryl: Yes I think you just said the big H word, that humility is the key value that we need to have in operation here, because you just said we may not be right.
16:58
Cheryl: Well, whether we were right or not, I will tell you.
17:01
Cheryl: My children in this stage told me many, many, many ways I failed them or how I fall short or correct me and say, Mom, that's not the right attitude.
17:12
Cheryl: You're being this.
17:13
Cheryl: You're not being that.
17:15
Cheryl: You're not being a flat earther, Mom.
17:17
Cheryl: Whatever it is, I got it.
17:18
Cheryl: Possibly more correction than I gave them growing up.
17:21
Cheryl: Right, right.
17:22
Cheryl: And I wanted to keep that relationship.
17:26
Cheryl: So I did A lot of apologizing.
17:28
Cheryl: And being open to say, I'm really sorry.
17:32
Cheryl: Well,
17:32
Christie: In so many ways, we're now peers, you know, equal adults, but then in a lot of other ways like this one, we are still the adult in the room, the bigger person, you know, we have to take the high road and like you said, humble ourselves and even if we, you know, don't agree with.
17:52
Christie: We still have to humble ourselves and apologize for our wrong.
17:54
Ellen: Well, if I, you know, if I knew now, would I, you know, wouldn't that be nice?
18:00
Ellen: But I think my number one phase is if I knew what I know now, I would have done it differently.
18:05
Ellen: You know, and I'm sorry, but I didn't know.
18:08
Ellen: Because sometimes that's the truth.
18:09
Ellen: I didn't know what to do.
18:10
Ellen: That just seemed like a good idea.
18:12
Ellen: Right.
18:12
Cheryl: And really, honestly.
18:13
Cheryl: I'm just bouncing off of what both of you said.
18:16
Cheryl: When I apologize like that, or said I'm really sorry, and they go, well, you're the adult, you should have known better.
18:23
Cheryl: And I have to be so loving and mature to not take the bait on that.
18:28
Cheryl: And to say, well, all I can say is I'm very sorry.
18:32
Cheryl: Mm hmm.
18:33
Cheryl: And.
18:33
Cheryl: That has served me so much better than any argument or explanation or defense.
18:40
Cheryl: I'm not saying there's never a place for an explanation, but in general, sort of listen to everything they say and ignore everything they
18:49
Ellen: say.
18:49
Ellen: Also, you know, one of the things that I found with my adult kids is ask them, Do you want, do you want to hear my opinion on that?
18:55
Ellen: And it gives them a choice.
18:56
Ellen: Most of the time at this age, as most of my kids are older and mature enough now, they'll go yeah, or you know, every once in a while they'll get a text, Hey mom, why did you do it this way?
19:05
Ellen: You know, they want, they're, they're raising their kids, so they're curious what my thinking was.
19:09
Ellen: So, you know, I, I think if you just keep the respect door open, it makes a big difference.
19:14
Christie: Right.
19:15
Christie: And I think verbalizing, That need for grace that we have and also verbalizing our willingness to give them grace, you know that it's mutual that I've been 18 before I've been 23 before I've been 46 before I'm not, you know, just not there but I I Just think if they realize Even though we were the adult and they were the child at that time, we were still on the learning journey that they are now currently on.
19:44
Christie: And each of us is there
19:46
Ellen: now, too.
19:47
Ellen: I've never been this age before.
19:48
Ellen: I've never been a senior citizen before.
19:51
Ellen: Right,
19:51
Christie: right.
19:52
Christie: Yeah, I say that to my girl.
19:53
Christie: I've never been a mom of, you know, your age before.
19:56
Ellen: I think that just helps kind of ease the transition for everybody.
19:59
Ellen: Mm hmm.
20:00
Ellen: You know, life is always a new thing.
20:02
Christie: You know, one dynamic I didn't really think about, I mean, I obviously said I didn't think about a lot of it, but, um, you know, the older girls moving on out of the house.
20:12
Christie: And then coming back around the younger siblings, it was a really odd day.
20:17
Christie: For one, just the grief that the younger siblings go through is something I didn't really think about.
20:21
Christie: I remember sitting at the dinner table right before our oldest was about to leave, and, you know, my baby was, I guess she would have been ten at the time, just starts crying in her mashed potatoes.
20:31
Christie: And she's like, I've always been her buddy because the middle two would kind of buddy up and then, you know, the book ends and It was just so sad and just remembering that the the little siblings are going through their own grief and their family will be changing and they have different dynamics in the home But also I remember the oldest kids they would you know We weren't really like people that bought soda pop when the kids were young and they'd come home with like a toy 20 ounce or something, the younger kids, the pretty cereal and Yes.
21:02
Christie: And maybe wearing things that the younger kids wouldn't normally be wearing.
21:05
Christie: And, and that conversation and, and thing to navigate was tricky too.
21:09
Christie: That okay, well they're of this age and that's their choice, but you're still of this age and you live at home with mom.
21:16
Christie: And,
21:17
Cheryl: and I like that because let's say they're promoting flat earth, okay.
21:22
Cheryl: Whatever it is, or they're.
21:24
Cheryl: vegan this week, or their keto, whatever it is.
21:28
Cheryl: And what comes with that age is this fantastic passion.
21:32
Cheryl: Right.
21:32
Cheryl: Yeah.
21:32
Cheryl: Of everything, whatever it is.
21:34
Cheryl: This is the
21:34
Ellen: way to live.
21:35
Cheryl: This is it, you know.
21:38
Cheryl: And so when you're having the conversation with others When they're around or not, to show respect.
21:46
Cheryl: That you respect them even if you disagree.
21:49
Cheryl: And, uh, respect is just like the biggest word I would say to apply to all these messy dynamics.
21:57
Cheryl: Yeah, for sure.
21:59
Ellen: And I think the hardest thing, and primarily for moms, is just preparing ourselves for this new phase of life.
22:08
Ellen: And it's really hard because there's a certain amount of what feels like loss.
22:13
Ellen: And you don't yet have the gain that you'll have in a few more years.
22:17
Ellen: As they're fully into adulthood, but it feels like loss.
22:20
Ellen: Everything's changing as it is for them, but it's changing for us.
22:24
Ellen: Like Chrissy, you were saying that, you know, movie night won't be the same, things like that, because there's always going to be someone missing because they're off at school or they're in the military or whatever.
22:33
Ellen: And I can say from a point of view as now a grandmother and all my kids live in town and, um, have their lives, now they include us in their lives.
22:45
Ellen: And that's really fun.
22:46
Ellen: That's a really fun place to be because the relationship.
22:49
Ellen: even through some very, very dark, hard times with the kids.
22:53
Ellen: We all maintain relationships with each other.
22:56
Christie: Well, and that's just it.
22:57
Christie: When you're launching, especially your first child, you don't have perspective, which you two ladies are such a gift to me because you can give me that perspective.
23:06
Christie: in the process of my launching years, I can see, okay, there is hope on the other side.
23:11
Christie: There's joy on the other side.
23:13
Christie: This isn't the end.
23:14
Christie: It's just a transition to a new version of our family.
23:17
Christie: And
23:17
Ellen: another suggestion I have, if you don't have a really big family, for me, when the first couple started launching, I still had children at home, so I was still really busy.
23:26
Ellen: But as we kind of wound down and got towards the last one, I started developing hobbies and things that I was interested in.
23:33
Ellen: So I had something that before when I had so little time, I couldn't even breathe to now having maybe a few hours to myself during the day where I could go and, uh, you know, whether you love to read or you like to do art or music cultivating yourself also, because really you have a whole lifetime now that you're going to be without children, uh, and you need to have things to
23:59
Christie: do in a positive way.
24:00
Christie: And I've enjoyed, too, the opportunity to give more attention to each child as they're the oldest in the home.
24:08
Christie: Yeah, that's great.
24:08
Christie: Um, and then, you know, my baby, I remember there was a time where I felt bad for her because she was just always kind of along for the ride, whatever the older sisters were doing.
24:17
Christie: And now she and I get to...
24:18
Christie: Do a lot of things one on one and put changes in a good way, too.
24:21
Christie: And you're a smarter parent, too.
24:23
Christie: Oh gosh, you're much better parent.
24:26
Cheryl: But I get the flip of what we said, like when they walk in with the big 40 ounce drink and they're doing all that and you have to explain it to the littles.
24:34
Cheryl: Right.
24:35
Cheryl: Well, I get the flip when you have the time to focus on the youngers.
24:40
Cheryl: As the elders are moving out, then they go, well, you never did that with me.
24:45
Christie: I hear a lot of that right now.
24:46
Christie: Wow.
24:47
Christie: Y'all, you know, y'all have.
24:48
Christie: That would have been nice to do school, you know.
24:50
Christie: My son's
24:51
Ellen: biggest thing he used to tease my youngest daughter about, he goes, well, you got a whole ice cream to yourself.
24:56
Ellen: When we were here, we had to split it three ways.
25:09
Cheryl: And it.
25:09
Cheryl: There's grief, there's loss, there's the excitement of opportunity, but we want to encourage all of our listeners that it's maintaining that relationship and making it healthy and, uh, diving into that for the flourishing of, Each child, as they're going, is there anything else you'd like to say?
25:32
Cheryl: Don't be
25:32
Ellen: offended if your children are busy.
25:35
Ellen: Yes.
25:35
Ellen: You know, that that's okay.
25:36
Ellen: Right.
25:37
Ellen: That they're starting and launching their lives.
25:39
Ellen: Yes.
25:40
Ellen: And the things that they are doing are important for their future, and they're not necessarily thinking about mom and dad, who are going, oh, I miss
25:48
Christie: my kids.
25:49
Christie: Yeah.
25:49
Christie: So, you're not the center of their world anymore.
25:52
Christie: And so, you
25:53
Ellen: know, rejoice in that.
25:54
Ellen: Mm hmm.
25:54
Ellen: That they're, you know, starting a new adventure and ask them about their adventures what I'm trying to say is don't focus on your loss.
26:01
Ellen: Mm hmm.
26:02
Ellen: Yes.
26:02
Ellen: Focus on the gain.
26:03
Ellen: You've launched your children, even if it's not perfect, even if they make mistakes, which they will, you've launched them and you still have a full lifetime of relationship with them if you, if you step back and don't be domineering and
26:18
Christie: overbearing.
26:19
Christie: Yes.
26:19
Christie: Very good.
26:20
Christie: Excellent.
26:20
Christie: And you said that they will make mistakes.
26:23
Christie: Yeah.
26:23
Christie: Remember, their mistakes or choices are not a reflection of you as a parent.
26:28
Christie: Right.
26:28
Christie: Separate yourself from that.
26:30
Christie: Yeah.
26:30
Christie: I
26:30
Ellen: don't have anyone at my age I can blame my bad habits on but me.
26:35
Cheryl: I don't think I have any bad
26:36
Christie: influences that.
26:37
Christie: Wow.
26:39
Cheryl: Wow.
26:40
Cheryl: This is such good stuff.
26:41
Cheryl: I agree with you, Christy.
26:43
Cheryl: Where was this conversation back in the day for us?
26:47
Cheryl: Thank you so much.
26:48
Cheryl: Looking forward to next time.
26:49
Ellen: Thank you.
26:50
Cheryl: Yeah, that's good.
26:51
Cheryl: Yeah, yeah.
26:52
Cheryl: parents remember, hang in there.
26:55
Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
27:05
As we conclude this episode of the Parenting Podcast, remember, you're not alone in navigating this intricate phase of parenting.
27:14
TPP is here alongside of you.
27:19
Our discussion on cultivating trust and nurturing that bridge of connection go beyond advice.
27:26
It's about embarking on a lifetime path with your grown children.
27:32
I really like what Christy, a new launcher, said in her conclusion.
27:38
There is hope on the other side.
27:41
There's joy on the other side.
27:44
This isn't the end.
27:46
It's a transition to a new version of our family.
27:52
So keep nurturing those bonds and remember TPP is here to listen.
27:58
Share your struggles, questions, and stories with us.
28:02
Drop us a DM, visit our website, or reach out at contact at the parentingpodcast.
28:08
com.
28:10
Follow us to stay connected and keep the conversation alive.
28:15
Until we meet again, continue embracing this adventure of parenting.
28:20
Your family narrative matters, and your love as a parent brings light to that journey.