Latest / The Karen Kenney Show / BREAKING YOUR WORD

Transcript

BREAKING YOUR WORD · The Karen Kenney Show

0:00
Karen Kenney: It's the Karen Kenney show. Hey, you guys,
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welcome to the Karen Kenney show. I'm wicked excited to be
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here today, and in bonus, I'm wearing my Bob Ross Happy Trees,
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my Bob Ross Happy Trees red shirt, which makes me so happy.
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I love it so much. Oh my god. Okay, and one of the things
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about Bob Ross, let's just talk about this, was like Bob Ross.
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Not only was he wicked nice to us creatives, to those of us who
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are trying to self-express and express ourselves, and he did it
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through painting, but he also was demonstrating to us how to
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be kind to ourselves, to each other, to Mother Nature, to the
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animals, Bob Ross seems like the kind of guy that would, you
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know, give his word and keep his word, and that's part about what
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we're going to be talking about today, about giving your word,
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keeping your word, what that means, but we're also going to
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dive into the pot that I think we don't talk about enough,
0:59
which is breaking your word, ooh, it's even a little scary to
1:03
say that, right? When you break your word, when you say maybe
1:08
you're gonna do something, then you don't do it, but we're
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gonna, we're gonna get into this. So, let's, let's first
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start with what the inspiration for this episode was, so, as you
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may or may not know know, and if you're right, if you're a
1:25
writer, you probably do know. So, writers, we are notorious
1:29
eavesdroppers, you know what I mean. So, our ears, ears, and
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our eyes, we're always kind of finely tuned to the world around
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us, right? We're always listening and picking up little
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snippets of things, things that catch our eye or catch our ear
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or catch our curiosity, you know, and so I heard somebody
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talking about they had brought up about giving their word, and
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they were basically lamenting, they were lamenting about the
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fact that they had to break their word, and they were
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wrestling with the I'm trying to keep it kind of vague, very to
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not give away details, but they were wrestling with the idea of
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they said they were going to do a thing, but then things did not
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unfold the way that they thought it was going to unfold in this
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relationship, or whatever, and so then they found themselves
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wanting to, needing to take their word back, like break
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their word, and they were struggling and wrestling with
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this, and man, man, did I want to write. We, I do my best, I
2:34
never, I really, really, really, really try not to do unsolicited
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mentoring or coaching or putting my two cents in. If you're
2:44
watching this, you can see me scrunching up my face. It's not
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always easy when you have the I want to be helpful gene, but
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sometimes the best thing you can do is shut your big fucking
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mouth. So I hear things, and sometimes you want to, you want
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to just, you know, problem solve and be helpful, but you just got
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to zip it, because they're total strangers, and they don't want
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Miss Nosy Body Busy Pants butting in. Okay, but this got
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me thinking about this. Okay, so let's just start with the
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basics. I really believe that giving your word and keeping
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your word, excuse me, is wicked important? I think it's a super
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duper important thing, but again, the thing that doesn't
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get addressed often enough is breaking your word. So I can't
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wait to get to that part either. But giving your word, when we
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think about that, even just like imagine what that looks like if
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we were to make that a tangible, like a physical object, to
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literally, like I'm cupping my hands, and like I'm extending
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them out, like I'm handing you, dear listener, my word, like I'm
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giving you my word, it's I think the what the dictionary
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basically says is to give your word is to like make a solemn
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promise, right, to give a firm guarantee that you're going to
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follow through. I think we see this all the time when people
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give each other commitment rings, right, or they get one of
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those things called engagement ring, right. The engagement ring
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is like a promise that, like, oh, we're betrothed now, like,
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we're going to get married, and then when you get married, not
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only do you get the second ring to, like, lock it in, you get a
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lock in, right, the first one, but then you have to get up and
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you say your vows, and inevitably, in the vows,
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somewhere in our culture, we have this, I think it's in some
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way like super sweet and hopeful and beautiful, and on the other
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hand kind of naive, right? When we say things like till death do
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us part, like I vow to be by your side in sickness and in
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health, because we know, we know, look at the divorce rate,
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we know that for a lot of people that. Just not going to happen,
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right. The divorce rate is pretty high now. Do I think that
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a lot of people maybe could? I'm not here to judge other people's
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experiences, and, and I think if we took a close magnifying glass
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of some things, we would see that some people really beat
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feet and quit when things get a little hard. They didn't have
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the tools or the capacity to actually work it out and stick
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it out, but there are going to be times when breaking your word
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and breaking that vow is not only the necessary thing to do,
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but it might also be the right thing to do, and again, we're
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going to get into that in a minute. Okay, so when we give
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our word right, I often say to people, you know, one of the
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things that I have in this world is like, you have your name, you
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have your voice, right, especially as a creative, as a
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writer, whatever, I have my name, I have my voice, I have my
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reputation, and I have my word, and those things really, really
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matter to me, and I think that when you give your word, right,
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what you're basically doing is it's a part of how you, it's
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like you're staking your personal integrity, like when
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you say, "Okay, I'm going to give you a word. This is a
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trustworthiness thing. I'm making a promise of saying
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whatever I'm going to say, like, "Yeah, I'll be there on Saturday
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to help you move, or "Yeah, in sickness and in health, or I'm
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not going to cheat on you, or we're going to go into business
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together, we're going to have each other's backs, or whatever.
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What we're doing is, and I found this really interesting, because
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I looked this up, and it's this part. So, listen up closely for
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this one. It's this part of the definition that I think is
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what's key to today's conversation. Okay, it says when
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you give your word, you're you're essentially staking your
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personal integrity and trustworthiness on the promise
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you are making. Now this is the pot right here, assuring the
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other person that you will follow through no matter what,
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and it's that piece right there, the no matter what, that I want
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to dive into today, because I imagine that there are some
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people out there who think that to break your word should never,
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ever, ever, ever happen, and I just don't agree with that. I
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think it should be taken very seriously, but we'll get there.
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Okay, so when you give your word, this matters not only for
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other people, this also matters to you, for your own
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self-respect, for your own self-integrity, for your own
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self-trust, knowing that you are a person that says what they
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mean, means what they say, do what they say they're going to
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do, right, to keep your word. There's something I also think
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very calming for me. I think about this in relation to people
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I have known throughout my life. I really love people, and of
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course we do, because the nervous system is constantly
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asking, right, like the number one question that your nervous
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system is asking all the time in the background with each beat of
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your hat. Excuse me. Basically, it's like, am I safe, am I safe,
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am I safe? Now we all experience safety differently, but I know
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for myself having people around you who are reliable, who do
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their best to keep their word, who are consistent, who show up
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if they say they're going to show up, they show up on time,
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they do what they say they're going to do, right? There's not
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a lot of dissonance between what they say and what they actually
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do. Like, I find that really nice. Like, my nervous system
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goes, ooh, cozy, right? Like, I like that, I'm into that, you
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know. And for some of us giving and keeping our word really
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matters, but I also understand that for some people in their
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household, maybe growing up, the word didn't really matter much,
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your word, a person's word, it's like, especially if you have,
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like, I think about this all the time, you know, my mother and my
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stepfather got, they were separated on and off so many
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times throughout their marriage, and there were times when the
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word would be given that he was going to come and see us on a
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Saturday, or whatever, while they were separated, and like,
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he wouldn't come, and he wouldn't show up, and I know so
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many kids who are kids of divorced homes, or divorced
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parents, who would be like sitting on the porch, sitting on
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this, you know, the stairs out front, or looking in the living,
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waiting on the living room window, waiting for dad to pull
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up, or whatever, whoever had, you know, custody at the time,
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the other person waiting for them to come and visit, or keep
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their word, or do their time, and they just didn't do it, and
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it really, there's something about that that just breaks my
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heart of thinking about little kids waiting for their parent to
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come, and the parent doesn't show up, you know. It's just
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like, oh my god, it just like, oh, so there are people who grew
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up in households where they felt that they could not trust
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somebody's word. And in turn they may have come to not trust
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words at all, like they're just like, yeah, and they were taught
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that the meaning of giving your word didn't really mean much, so
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they can be a little more what I would call flip floppy or
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wishy-washy, or what people will call quote unquote flakes,
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right? They, oh yeah, they said they're going to come, they're
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not gonna show. We already know they're not gonna show, like
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that kind of thing, right? There's always like a 5050
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chance that they're gonna.. it's a 5050 chance. It's like a roll
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of the dice, like playing craps.. like I don't know,
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maybe, maybe it will happen, maybe it won't happen. And for
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me, that would just cause me a lot of anxiety, like I know
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myself, right, and so for me, because I know how it felt to be
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that kid, and I know how it feels to have people around you
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who may be in relationships with men or boys, right. Let's be
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honest, you know, in the past where just people's word didn't
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really mean shit, so for me it actually really matters. I
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really do my best. I'm not perfect, obviously, I'm a
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friggin human being, but I really do do my best too. If I
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say I'm going to do something, I try to do it, and so I think we
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can all kind of agree. We like it when people keep their word.
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Hopefully, most of us are the kind of people that try to
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actually give our word, right. We're not afraid to say yes to
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things, we're okay with committing with certain things.
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We can give our word, but if we give our word, man, we better
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take it seriously and do our best to keep our word. But let's
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dive into when, when breaking our word might happen now. When
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I go back to the original inspiration for this episode,
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the person I overheard talking about this conundrum, this
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colossal cluster that they found themselves in. Right here is
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when I think that breaking your word is okay, and I want to be
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wicked, wicked clear. There are some caveats, and some
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footnotes, and some highlight. I had this highlight of this
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highlight of pen that I want to highlight, but let me just start
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here. I think that if you were, let's just use marriage for an
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example. Okay, so I think back to my grandparents, you know,
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and back in the day, a lot of people, like, there was no
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divorcing, like, back then, right? Like, whether it's you
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were a Catholic kid, or like, they were Catholic kids who got
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married, or whatever, their religion, or their families, or
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their faith, or whatever it was, didn't believe in getting
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divorced, and what you ended up with was a bunch of old people
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who were just sloshing it out, man. They were just practically
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in the ring with each other every single day, constantly
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fighting or bickering or eye rolling at each other or
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nitpicking at each other, or you could just tell like the
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heightened animosity and the lack of respect, just the just
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the contempt, right? You could just feel it, like you'd go in
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the house and you could just feel the contempt for each
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other, or one wouldn't take the other one seriously, and they'd
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always talk over the other one, or tell them to shut up, or
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they'd start telling the story, and they'd roll their eyes,
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like, oh, this bullshit again, right, or whatever, and I would
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literally be like, why are you guys still married? It is clear
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now. Maybe, like, did they quote unquote quote unquote doing
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little air quotes, love each other? I don't know, maybe,
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maybe in their own really dysfunctional way, but was it
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more that they felt stuck together and they were trying to
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make it work, or they needed each other in some
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dysfunctional, patterned way, or whatever. I don't know. I'm not,
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again, really not here to judge, just sharing kind of what I
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witnessed a lot of times, and I would just be like, why, why do
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they stay together? I don't think that this situation makes
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them better together, but a lot of times they don't, maybe the
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person, one of the people, didn't have the means, they
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didn't work, or didn't have the means to leave and like afford
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their own place, or they didn't want to break up the family.
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There's 1001 reasons I get it. Again, not here to be judgment,
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judgy pants. And though this is my point, when you go into a
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relationship and you take a vow and you say, like, okay, we're
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going to do this thing called life, we're going to do this
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thing called marriage, we're going to get together, we're
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going to build a family, but you do it under the pretenses or the
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agreement that you're going to love each other. Now, I think if
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one person starts to deviate from that love pot, and I'm
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talking about like they start to hit you or abuse you verbally,
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verbally, financially, sexually, emotionally, mentally, whatever.
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I am not. I was talking with a friend about this yesterday. I'm
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not the kind of person that thinks that you just stick it
14:59
out because. Because you, in this case, because you gave your
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word at the altar, I'm like, if you're putting your hands on me,
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if you're like, you know, being really harmful for me, if you're
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stealing from me or abusing me, or do, like, you know, the bad
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things, the really bad things, you know what I'm saying, it's
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like, no bets are off, I know I gave my word at the altar before
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you and God, or whoever, whatever, you know, however you
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got married, but I just think there are times when it no
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longer makes sense, and when I think of this conversation that
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person was having, they said, you know, when I'll just give a
15:35
little bit, they're basically saying, well, when I got into
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the relationship, we agreed that things were going to be like
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this, or this is how we were, or here's the other thing. When
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somebody presents themselves to be a very particular way, and
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then you realize later, oh, I got bamboozled, that's not how
15:54
this goes at all, or I didn't realize they were like $300,000
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and I'm making things up, right, like $300,000 in debt, and
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they're looking at me to like bail them out because I have
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excellent credit, or I have whatever. Oh, they said that
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they wanted a family and they wanted kids, or they wanted
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this, and then they pull the wool over your eyes, like once
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they got what they wanted, then they totally are like, like
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psycho, and acting totally different, or whatever. I think
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there are times that even though you acted in good faith and you
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gave your word and you then start to find out that things
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are not what they seem, I think you absolutely right have the
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have the ability to stop and re question things, and it's I'm
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not saying it's an easy decision or a difficult decision, and I'm
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definitely not saying, "Oh, just willy nilly your way through
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life, and if something becomes inconvenient, you just do it. I
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think that keeping your word is wicked important, and I think
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breaking your word is no small matter, especially in those
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kinds of big things like marriages and relationships,
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whatever, but I also think it's completely unfair to think that
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we have to stay in a position, in a job, in a relationship, in
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a place where you live in an environment that is not
17:13
conducive to your mental well-being, to your physical
17:16
well-being, etc. etc. I don't think that that makes any sense
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either. I don't think I'm like, how is that people, you know,
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how is that loving to you, right? Or how is that loving to
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children, or whatever, who also might be affected by the
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decision. And I understand sometimes people, it's tragic,
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they can't figure out a way to leave, and so everybody's kind
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of like stuck together in these conditions that are not helpful
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or healthy, or whatever, you know, but here's the thing, I
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will say, most people I know who keep their word, they're like
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word keepers, right? We don't take it lightly when we have to
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break our word, so if we say we're going to be somewhere, and
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that's why a lot of times, you know, back in the day, you know,
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people would say, 'Do you want to do this? and I'd say, 'Yeah,
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or I would always like volunteer to be the one who would like
18:10
bake the cake, or do the thing, or show up early, or help, help,
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help. I was always like really fast to say yes, and to give my
18:17
help, and now if somebody invites me to something, unless
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I mean, if it's a full body yes, and my calendar is clear, sure,
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but I'm like, oh, let me check and get back to you, right,
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because I want to make sure that I could actually keep my
18:30
commitment. I don't like to give my word and then have to break
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my word. Then there are times when you know, especially if
18:37
it's something where you're scheduling things, a lot of
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times friends will give each other grace, they understand
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that, oh, my dog got sick, or my kid needed a thing, and I'm not
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talking about that. There can be a little more flexi in and room
18:49
and stuff, but when you give your word about big things,
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like, oh yeah, I'll make sure I show up for the, you know, for
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the event, or for the speech, or for the presentation at work,
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and I will be prepared. I'm talking like the big things that
19:04
matter, right? You cannot take that shit lightly, especially
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when other people are depending on you to be a person of
19:12
integrity, to be somebody who's trustworthy and consistent and
19:16
reliable, you know. So, I think if you are going to have to
19:22
break your word, there's some criteria that we might want to
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look at. Okay, so this is what I, this is what I wrote down as
19:30
a note to myself. There are times when we will have to break
19:33
our word, but when we do so, we take it seriously, and we don't
19:37
do it over some trifle little thing or some inconvenience,
19:41
like we just wake up and then decide I don't feel like it,
19:44
right? As I would say, it's so not soothing, like the thought
19:47
about going, of going out in the cold, or whatever, is so not
19:50
soothing. It's like, no, we don't break our word about
19:53
little inconveniences and trifle things. It's like those are the
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times when, even though I'm not a fan, right, I always say. Say,
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you know, I made up this phrase where I say I no longer suck it
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up and stuff it down, right? I talk about that in my book, but
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there are times when you do suck it up, when you do do the hard
20:11
thing, when you do show up, even though you don't feel like it,
20:14
because it's the right thing to do, and you gave your word, you
20:17
know what I'm saying, but if we are going to break our word, if
20:22
we're going to do that, we have to understand the seriousness of
20:28
doing so, because it is a serious thing, because it does
20:32
have, it does have ramification, it does have consequences, it
20:39
does sometimes shift how people see you, think of you, and
20:43
experience you, and I've worked with people in the past where
20:47
they were just so unreliable and so flaky and so inconsistent
20:52
that they ended up not only not getting opportunities put their
20:57
way, they were let go, they were fired, they like this person is
21:01
not going to be able to like this person has consistently
21:05
shown that they are not a person of their word, right. You see it
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a lot too, like when people will say, I can't tell you how many
21:15
times, how many times somebody has said to me, well, they told
21:21
me not to say anything, and I told them I'm a vault. They told
21:25
I told them their secret is safe with me, as they're telling me
21:30
the secret that they just told the other person that they would
21:33
never tell. I'm just like, oh my god, you guys, when you give
21:35
your word, like, you've got to really take it seriously. Okay,
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but here's the thing, when we do have to break our word, these
21:43
are some of the things I think it's really important that you
21:46
kind of take into consideration. Number one, right, and I
21:50
understand. Let me give you an example. Let's say that, so I've
21:55
known a lot of people who like do events and do speaking gigs
21:58
and stuff like that, everything from like teachers who like show
22:01
up at like Kripalu or Omega, or they're supposed to travel
22:05
across country, whatever, show up, do a gig, do an event,
22:08
right, music or speaking, or whatever the thing is, an author
22:11
event, and then something happens, right, whether their
22:15
kid gets sick or they break their leg or their mom is dying
22:19
or get diagnosed with cancer, like something awful happens,
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right? And even with that, you would think that they would just
22:28
go into this thinking, like, well, there was nothing I could
22:30
do, x, y, and z happen, but they give their word with such
22:36
integrity, and it matters to them so much that when it comes
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time to talking to the people or the person that you know you're
22:46
going to be letting down, the person on the other end of your
22:49
promise, the other end who you gave your word to, who they're
22:53
still making little cupping things with my hands again, like
22:56
you literally gave them your word, and they're holding your
22:58
word as if it means something, as if it has weight, as if it
23:02
matters. It's like it's gold, right? Oh, this person always
23:06
shows up. This person is a person of their word. They have
23:08
given you this title, right? Oh my gosh, but now you have to
23:13
like make the call, right? You have to let them know, and I
23:19
would always say, like, if you can do it in person, great. If
23:22
that's impossible, next best thing, call them. If they're a
23:25
person who doesn't like to talk on the phone, maybe that's fine.
23:28
But then maybe you write them or email them. I mean, I think text
23:32
message would probably be last, unless it's something that needs
23:36
to be communicated very quickly. But think about how you're going
23:39
to deliver this news or this message. Do not take it lightly,
23:44
because there's a whole person or groups of people, or a child,
23:47
or somebody on the other end of that, the parent, right, that,
23:51
that you know, like there's 1000 I can't even think, there's so
23:56
many examples of this, but so number one, take it seriously.
24:01
Number two, take responsibility for it, even if it's not your
24:06
fault, and what I mean by that is, like, is it your fault that
24:09
your kid got sick, or your mom got sick, or something happened,
24:12
or somebody passed away? No, not your fault, right, quote
24:18
unquote, but it is your responsibility that you are
24:22
making this decision to now not attend, show up, do the thing
24:26
that you said you were going to do. Number three, you got to
24:30
understand that the person on the receiving end of this has
24:34
the right to be upset, no matter the excuse, even if they can
24:38
understand why you might have to do it, even if they're like, of
24:42
course, I understand there still might be some residual
24:47
disappointment, let down, sadness, feeling bummed, upset,
24:51
tears, whatever. And there they have the right to feel that way
24:55
and express that. Hopefully, they'll be understanding if it's
24:58
something major, like you broke. Down, or you know, you had
25:01
surgery, or your flight got canceled three times in a row,
25:04
or whatever happens, right? But number one, take it seriously.
25:09
Number two, take responsibility. Number three, understand that
25:12
delivering this is not going to maybe be so soothing, so not
25:16
soothing for the people on the receiving end of this. If you
25:20
know before you even call them that maybe there's something you
25:23
can do to help eradicate the problem or lessen the blow or
25:28
come up with a solution that shows how serious you are about
25:33
understanding now their plight, the thing that you have now when
25:36
you are taking your word back from them and they're going to
25:39
be fucking sitting there empty handed with no speaker or no DJ
25:44
or MC or whatever, the again, whatever the thing is, is like
25:49
they, you're not going to be able to, you know, come and see
25:52
your grandfather before they pass, like it's a big deal,
25:55
right? This thing we've taken it seriously, so maybe try to come
25:58
up with solutions, like let's say you were supposed to, I
26:02
don't know, teach at a yoga festival, and you were going to
26:04
lead it, like maybe you come up with like three other names of
26:07
people who would be amazing, and you've already talked to those
26:10
people in there free, and you have their information, so you
26:13
can then say to this person, I know I'm leaving you in a jam,
26:17
own it, right, apologize profusely, this is the other
26:22
thing. Once you get on the horn, right, deliver it with as much
26:27
of a sincere apology as you can, and also try to deliver it with
26:31
those solutions, with those names, those phone numbers,
26:34
those backups. Now, it's not always going to be possible, I
26:37
know this, but if you can do something to lighten their load
26:42
and make it not as hard or hash for them, that would be really,
26:46
really helpful and important, and also own the consequences of
26:51
it, right? Like, really get, like, I know I'm choosing to not
26:54
show up, I'm so like, be sincere, take it seriously. It
27:00
might sound like this is a lot of work, a lot of you're like,
27:02
okay, this is a lot of heavy lifting you're putting on my
27:05
lap, but it is no small thing to give your word, and we give our
27:10
word seriously and with integrity, and it matters to us,
27:13
and so if we have to break our word, we should also do it with
27:17
as much seriousness and integrity and honesty and
27:21
transparency and owning our shit like an integral human being
27:25
would do, like a serious human being would do. You know what I
27:28
mean, and you know, I just think it's really, really important in
27:32
the way you go about this. Again, we're not canceling for
27:35
some trivial little thing, we're not canceling because it's
27:38
inconvenient or we don't feel like it or we're in a mood, or
27:41
whatever, that is, like, no, that's like, grow up and be a
27:44
mature, serious adult, you know what I'm saying. Do what you got
27:47
to do, put yourself, your own feelings aside, and do the right
27:51
thing. Go to the funeral, show up for the prom pictures,
27:55
whatever the thing is, right? If you said you were going to
27:57
babysit, or house sit the animal, the dog that, whatever,
28:01
the thing, right, the furry kids keep your word, show up, be a
28:05
good human being. But again, in those times when it's just not
28:13
right anymore, it wouldn't be right to do so. And I'm gonna,
28:15
I'm gonna jump off of that in a second as well. But if you do
28:19
have to break your word, take it seriously now. I want to go back
28:22
to this thing, because I learned about this phrase recently, and
28:27
I've been fascinated by it. I don't know enough about it,
28:31
because hashtag not a therapist, hashtag not like a trained
28:35
mental health counselor, right? I have a lot of information,
28:38
I've read a lot of books, I've studied with a lot of people, I
28:40
have a bunch of certifications, but I'm still quote hashtag not
28:44
a therapist, so I take that very seriously. So I don't want to,
28:47
I'm not going to go down some huge rabbit hole with you about
28:49
it, but it is, it is related to what we're talking about today,
28:56
so going back to that conversation of when you say yes
29:01
to something, and then it turns out things are not as they
29:05
seemed, right? You're getting a little bit bamboozled, somebody
29:09
kind of what they say pulled the wool over your eyes or pulled a
29:12
fast one, right, and you find out that things are not as they
29:16
seem. Why I think it's okay to go back on your word is that if
29:22
you, in an extreme case, and I'm going to explain this word in a
29:25
minute, what I'm talking about, in an extreme case, if you were
29:29
to, can you continue to do something that really goes
29:33
against who you are, what you stand for, your moral code, your
29:37
ethics, your values, you could suffer what is called moral
29:41
injury, and the people who tend to suffer moral injury a lot in
29:47
the world are veterans, soldiers, people like that.
29:52
Okay, so when I heard about this word, probably a few months ago,
29:58
and I was really fascinated. By it, so there might be times when
30:03
to keep your word would be harmful to you, and it would
30:09
possibly cause moral injury. Now I also want to keep in the
30:13
seriousness of this word. This is not some word that just gets
30:16
tossed around, like the word trauma gets so tossed around
30:20
these days, just like, oh, that was traumatic for me. I'm like,
30:23
no, it wasn't. It was inconvenient. It was
30:25
inconvenient, and you didn't like how you felt, but it wasn't
30:28
quote unquote traumatic, right? We need to relax with the lingo
30:31
sometimes. So, this is what in Psychology Today. This is where
30:35
I got this description from Psychology Today, in something
30:39
that it was reviewed by a person named Devin Fry, and it says
30:43
this. It says moral injury is the social, psychological, and
30:48
spiritual harm that arises from a betrayal of one's core values,
30:55
such as justice, fairness, and loyalty. Listen to this. This is
31:00
fascinating. You guys harming others, whether in military or
31:05
civilian life, failing to protect others through error or
31:10
in action, and failure to be protected by leaders, especially
31:15
in combat, can all wound a person's conscience, leading to
31:21
lasting anger, guilt, and shame, and can fundamentally alter
31:27
one's worldview and impair the ability to trust others. This is
31:34
no small thing. So, here's an example. So, a soldier in the
31:39
line of duty might accept the necessity of shooting an enemy
31:43
combatant, right? When we go to war, unfortunately, I, yeah, war
31:49
is it's very complicated, right? Okay, so a soldier in the line
31:52
of duty gets, okay, I'm going to war, I might have to shoot an
31:55
enemy combatant, but when, in attempting to, then identify the
31:59
assailant, you find a picture of the dead man or dead woman's
32:04
children, your sense of the value of the service that you
32:09
just supplied to your country, or whatever it might be
32:12
shattered, and this is what it says next. A person who grossly
32:17
violates what they believe is right might experience
32:21
persistent self-criticism, feeling unworthy, unforgivable,
32:26
or permanently damaged. Reflecting on the perceived
32:29
transgression can fill a person with sorrow and bitterness. So,
32:35
if you're forced, it says to make an intense ethical -
32:38
intense is the key word here, right? I want people now start
32:42
saying you morally injured me. Please don't do that, right? But
32:46
anyone who is forced to make intense ethical choices, you can
32:51
risk moral injury, and it is your.. it's the circumstance,
32:56
not character, that produces a struggle. So, the circumstance..
32:59
so this is.. I'll give you an example that I thought of,
33:02
because I was like, what could I do? So, here's me, right, an
33:05
ethical vegan, somebody who absolutely loves animals, hates
33:09
harming any animal. I try not to even kill mosquitoes, you guys.
33:13
The one animal, the one creature, and it pains me, is as
33:17
crazy as this is going to sound to a lot of people, I don't
33:21
like, I flush ticks. I get rid of, like, I don't like ticks. I
33:25
hate ticks. They make so many people sick, but I also hate
33:28
harming them. I get no joy from it. It makes me really sad. I
33:32
understand. I know everybody limes. I get it, and at the same
33:35
time, it still harms me, like it hurts me, like it hurts my hat,
33:39
right? I'm rubbing my rubbing my hat, okay, but me as a person
33:43
who's a total animal lover, if for some reason I was forced
33:48
into having to work at a slaughter house or having to do
33:53
harm to animals, that for me I'm not joking when I say this would
33:58
be like severe moral injury, like I don't think I could,
34:01
like, I just.. I just don't know what I think. I would go mad. I
34:04
don't think I could handle it, right? You know what I mean. So,
34:07
this is what I'm saying. If there's something that is
34:09
really, really important to you, and you are forced to do
34:14
something that goes against your moral code, so imagine you're a
34:17
soldier, and you think you're just doing this patrol
34:20
somewhere, or whatever. I'm making this up, right? I've
34:22
never been in the armed services, but I known a lot of
34:26
veterans, and I've known wounded veterans, wounded not just
34:29
physically, but mentally and emotionally, who suffer from
34:31
PTSD. And moral injury is same Z's, but slightly different. It
34:37
has similar elements to PTSD, but a little bit slightly
34:40
different. But imagine you were told, like you are going to
34:44
fight this war, and this is what you see in a lot of, in my what
34:48
I have learned and gleaned over time, we see it a lot in Vietnam
34:51
veterans too, is that you were told that you were going to
34:56
fight a war or do a thing for x, y, and z, and then. You find out
35:00
it wasn't about that at all, and you feel used, and you feel
35:04
broken, and you feel betrayed, and you have all those very
35:07
complicated feelings. That's like moral injury. So, for me,
35:12
if you gave your word to do something, and then you found
35:17
out later that to keep your word and to do that thing that you
35:20
told this other person was going to be ethically or morally 100%
35:27
against what you believe in. I think breaking your word in that
35:30
case is okay too. Again, this is not breaking your word is not
35:34
something that I take lightly, and nor do I think you should
35:37
take it lightly, but I do know that it is something that is
35:40
inevitable, and we are all going to, at some point, have to do
35:43
it, and if we're going to have to do it, as serious people, as
35:46
spiritual people, as people who try to show up in the world,
35:50
doing, leaving people, places, animals, and the environment
35:53
better than how we found it, we better have a way to like
35:57
discuss it and communicate why we're breaking our word. We know
36:01
this is serious. We're going to own it. We're going to
36:03
apologize. We're going to da da, but I also don't think it makes
36:06
sense to have to live your life with this deep psychological
36:10
trauma of being forced to act against your own deeply held
36:13
morals or your ethics or your beliefs. I just don't think that
36:17
you should transgress against yourself in that deep, deep way,
36:22
or to betray yourself, or to betray a group of animals, or a
36:26
group of children, or a group of people. Do you know what I'm
36:28
saying? Like, if you said to somebody, 'Yeah, I'm going to
36:30
keep you safe, I'm going to keep this child safe, or this
36:33
whatever safe, and then you're forced to do things that would
36:36
be awful. I mean, I don't want to go through.. I could come up
36:39
with so many different scenarios where it would be incredibly
36:41
traumatizing to do so, but you know you do not want to be left
36:45
feeling so much guilt and shame and betrayal and anger, and you
36:50
don't want to be stuck in some sort of spiritual or existential
36:53
crisis because you gave your word before. Don't keep your
36:58
word if it's going to be damaging to you or to others,
37:02
you know what I'm saying. So that's where I've kind of landed
37:05
on that with the whole moral injury thing, but most of the
37:09
time, guys, and this is why you don't want to say yes too
37:12
quickly, right? Feel into it. Somebody asked you to make a
37:15
commitment or invite you somewhere or ask if you want the
37:19
gig or wants to partner with you in business, or partner with you
37:22
in life, or whatever the thing is, don't rush into things too
37:26
quickly. Take your time, have the hard conversations, talk
37:30
about things up front. Well, how do we both feel about money? How
37:33
do we both feel about children? How do we both feel about paying
37:36
off debt? How do we both feel about where we live? How do we
37:39
feel about how we parent like all the important things, right?
37:42
Getting into business with somebody. Well, how do we split
37:45
the profits? How do we want to spend our time? What are our
37:47
core values? What do we stand for? All these things. Let's
37:50
just really, really talk about things, because giving your word
37:55
really, really is a big deal, and it matters. And so is
37:58
breaking your word, and hopefully we don't have to do it
38:02
too often, but if we are going to do it, let's do it with
38:05
integrity. Let's do it so that we can walk away with
38:07
self-respect, and let's have the other people be able to walk
38:10
away knowing that it's not something that we take lightly,
38:13
and we are a person of integrity, and we are somebody
38:16
that does our best to keep our word, but if we're going to
38:20
break our word, let's also do it with as much love and compassion
38:25
and awareness, self-awareness as possible. All right, you guys, I
38:29
hope that was helpful to you in some way. I appreciate you so
38:32
much for listening. Thank you so much. I don't know if I already
38:35
mentioned it, but we had - we just had our first right club,
38:38
and it went fantastic. Oh my god, you guys, I loved it so
38:42
much. The people that showed up loved it. We're going to do it
38:45
again in June, in person, Saturday, June, I think I wrote
38:50
it down somewhere, but it's Saturday, June 27 It's a half
38:53
day workshop from 12 to 4pm It's happening at the 11th Letter
38:58
Writing Gallery, 146 North Main Street, downtown Collingwood,
39:03
New Hampshire. If you want to join us, just go online, it's
39:06
just Karen kenney.com/wright Club. It's already live for the
39:10
month of June. I will eventually be offering them online as well,
39:16
maybe like once a month, maybe eventually down the line, twice
39:19
a month, twice a month online, but we're really trying to grow
39:22
it in person as well, so that's where we're focusing for at
39:24
least the summer, and then those of you who listen in other
39:28
states and other places beyond New Hampshire, West Coast, Mid
39:32
Coast, Central Time, whatever, you will be invited to the party
39:36
at some point. So, thank you for your interest, those of you who
39:39
reached out to me. I got several emails, people asking me. I
39:41
really appreciate it, and I am going to respond. I just have
39:44
not had a second to do so yet. So, just know I haven't
39:47
forgotten about you. You're on my list. So, thank you so much,
39:50
you guys, for listening. I appreciate you. I love you. I
39:53
see you. I hope this episode was helpful to you in some way.
39:57
Okay, wherever you go, may you leave. Receive the animals and
40:01
the people and yourself and the planet and the environment
40:05
better than how you found them. Wherever you go, may you and
40:09
your energy and your presence and your love and your word be a
40:15
blessing. Bye. Hey, thanks so much for listening to the show.
40:19
I really love spending some time together. Now, if you dig the
40:23
show or know someone that could benefit from this episode,
40:26
please share it with them and help me to spread the good word
40:30
and the love. And if you want to be in the know about all of my
40:33
upcoming shenanigans, head on over to Karen kenney.com/sign up
40:39
and join my list, it'll be wicked fun to stay in touch.
40:44
Bye.