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When Vikings Loot The Wrong Town · Ridiculous History

0:10
Speaker 1: Yeah, welcome to the show Ridiculous Historians and possible Viking descendants.
0:29
Speaker 1: My name is Ben, my name is Nuel. I used
0:31
Speaker 1: to have a little red in my beard. Does that
0:34
Speaker 1: mean I'm a possible Viking descendant? Well, it means you
0:37
Speaker 1: definitely have the possibility of that red haired jean. You know,
0:41
Speaker 1: we would need to we need to do some more testing.
0:44
Speaker 1: I also have a red beard when I grow it out.
0:47
Speaker 1: And in the part of Tennessee where I'm from, there
0:50
Speaker 1: is this old folks saying about how you can't trust
0:54
Speaker 1: someone who has two different colors of facial hair, So
0:58
Speaker 1: like I have brown hair on my head and then
1:00
Speaker 1: red hair on my face. Not to be trusted. What
1:03
Speaker 1: about people with two different color eyes? Because I have
1:06
Speaker 1: the different colored beard and two different color eyes, I
1:08
Speaker 1: mean I'm super untrustworthy. No, no, no, not in not
1:11
Speaker 1: in my part of the world, hetero chromia. They seem
1:15
Speaker 1: fine with what they think. I'm a witch. I think
1:18
Speaker 1: you might have to have a milky eye, very like
1:21
Speaker 1: apparently different eyes. But you know who is super trustworthy,
1:26
Speaker 1: knowl our super producer Casey Pegram, who is also I
1:32
Speaker 1: believe not not a Viking. Is that correct? Casey is correct. Yes,
1:36
Speaker 1: I mean he's not an active Viking. His rating days
1:38
Speaker 1: are behind him, right, I don't want to talk about it,
1:41
Speaker 1: fair enough, Okay, So we were we were talking about
1:45
Speaker 1: Viking names a little bit before we went on the
1:48
Speaker 1: air today and one of the questions, one of the
1:51
Speaker 1: questions I have. We have one character in this story
1:53
Speaker 1: named hostin the Raider, and the question is how many
1:57
Speaker 1: raids do you have to accomplish? How many do you
2:00
Speaker 1: have to rack up or have under your belt for
2:02
Speaker 1: that to become part of your name? And I said
2:04
Speaker 1: save it for the pod, and you did not like that.
2:06
Speaker 1: It's kind of like telling someone to shut up. I
2:09
Speaker 1: don't know if that's it. Just no, it just means
2:11
Speaker 1: this conversation would be best had it spontaneously in one go,
2:15
Speaker 1: instead of doing it once and then trying to do
2:17
Speaker 1: it again, because the magic is never the same. Man,
2:19
Speaker 1: I see you're coming from. But it is like telling
2:21
Speaker 1: someone to shut up. Okay, man, that's fair. But um,
2:25
Speaker 1: but I seriously wonder though, Nola is like, do you
2:27
Speaker 1: do one raid or do you do five? That's a
2:32
Speaker 1: really good question. I mean, surely there's a metric for
2:35
Speaker 1: these things, or maybe he gave himself his own nickname. Oh,
2:39
Speaker 1: good call, that's interesting. I bet that's I bet that's
2:42
Speaker 1: true because it is kind of a badass nickname. And
2:46
Speaker 1: you can tell in a lot of these stories when
2:48
Speaker 1: someone has a not quite complimentary nickname like Charles the
2:52
Speaker 1: Bald or something exactly, that was probably bestowed upon him
2:56
Speaker 1: by people that didn't care for him too much. Propaganda.
2:59
Speaker 1: But why are we talking about Vikings today? Nol? Who? What?
3:03
Speaker 1: What's this deal with Hosting the Raider? Costing the Raider
3:06
Speaker 1: and his homie biorn Ironside, great name, also a great name.
3:11
Speaker 1: They they did a little military blunder. That's a lot
3:14
Speaker 1: of fun. Uh. It involves some sort of trojan Horse
3:17
Speaker 1: like tactics. Uh, it involves possible decapitation of members of
3:22
Speaker 1: the clergy and a whole lot of raping and pillaging
3:26
Speaker 1: and raiding along the way. Yes, yes, yes, at least
3:30
Speaker 1: that is if they actually existed. That's the strange part.
3:34
Speaker 1: I hate that part about history where it's like, God,
3:36
Speaker 1: this is so great, but it's probably not true. Yeah,
3:39
Speaker 1: or it's or they'll try to make it a little
3:41
Speaker 1: more optimistic and say they may have been real people.
3:46
Speaker 1: You're thinking what. I am so invested in this story
3:49
Speaker 1: right now, so take it with a grain of salt.
3:51
Speaker 1: This was a long, long time ago. Hosting was a
3:54
Speaker 1: Viking chieftain in the late ninth century, and some of
3:58
Speaker 1: the characters in today's story are going to be familiar
4:01
Speaker 1: to you if you are a fan of the television
4:03
Speaker 1: series Vikings. Ye do you ever check that out? I haven't.
4:07
Speaker 1: I watched a little bit of it here and there,
4:09
Speaker 1: But I also know apparently it takes quite a few
4:12
Speaker 1: liberties with some of these stories as well, and their
4:14
Speaker 1: depiction of the character of yourn Ironside, he doesn't quite
4:19
Speaker 1: do what he probably actually did in historical accounts because
4:24
Speaker 1: it helped them with their storyline a little bit. Ah, yeah,
4:27
Speaker 1: I see what you're saying. Was that on History Channel?
4:30
Speaker 1: I think it was like the weird, anomalous, like big
4:34
Speaker 1: budget kind of Game of Thrones e type show on
4:36
Speaker 1: the History Channel. That's right, Well, let us know if
4:39
Speaker 1: you're a fan, and let us know what you think
4:40
Speaker 1: they got right. We're wrong, But this is a as
4:45
Speaker 1: much as we can determine an historically true tale that way. Yes,
4:50
Speaker 1: So we don't know much about hostin the Raider, his
4:55
Speaker 1: early life aside for the fact that you know, he
4:58
Speaker 1: rated a bunch of stuff, that's right, It wasn't ironic, uh,
5:03
Speaker 1: And he came from a well established bloodline. Yeah, all
5:07
Speaker 1: signs point to him being the son of a Ragnar
5:11
Speaker 1: loath Brock, and apparently that was also You're and Ironside's father,
5:16
Speaker 1: so they were possibly brothers, possibly brothers, or because bloodline
5:22
Speaker 1: was such a big deal in this culture at this time,
5:24
Speaker 1: it is also completely possible that Hosting just said that
5:28
Speaker 1: to try to get some more street cred hip cred
5:31
Speaker 1: got it vikings. So these vikings, they they kind of
5:35
Speaker 1: had a singular mission, didn't they. Yeah, yeah, they had.
5:40
Speaker 1: They the raiding economy, if you want to call it that,
5:45
Speaker 1: it's a it's a It's a huge part of the
5:49
Speaker 1: life of this culture, so much so that of course
5:53
Speaker 1: people would get appellations or names for their performance or
5:59
Speaker 1: lack of performance in a raid, And if there was
6:02
Speaker 1: a really well done raid, then it would become part
6:05
Speaker 1: of this world tradition. It was a legend. So Ragnar
6:08
Speaker 1: loath Brock one of his big claims to fame was
6:12
Speaker 1: the sacking of Paris. This occurred in eight forty five
6:18
Speaker 1: and five thousand Vikings led by Ragnar, took over Paris.
6:22
Speaker 1: It was the largest, richest, most defended city in Northern Europe.
6:26
Speaker 1: This this was this was like a very violent proto heist, right,
6:30
Speaker 1: and the king of the time, Charles the Bald, paid
6:35
Speaker 1: a huge ransom of seven thousand pounds of silver to
6:39
Speaker 1: Ragnar just to make them go away. Yeah, that'll do it.
6:43
Speaker 1: So that's what a sacking is, right. It's so interesting
6:45
Speaker 1: that term because I think of it in the British
6:47
Speaker 1: parlance as getting fired, but it also means like getting
6:51
Speaker 1: kind of conquered, which I guess they sort of mean
6:53
Speaker 1: the same thing. Yeah, yeah, completely, I guess I could
6:56
Speaker 1: see that. Yeah, that's an interesting etymology. Well, seven thousand
7:00
Speaker 1: pounds of silver did not work. They returned a decade
7:05
Speaker 1: later to sack the city again. There's no honor among Vikings,
7:09
Speaker 1: I guess, yes, yeah. And the French in that time
7:13
Speaker 1: were prepared and they were able to fight the Vikings off.
7:17
Speaker 1: But then in eight fifty seven bure and Ironside, son
7:21
Speaker 1: of Ragnar, actual son, uh, He takes his crew and
7:25
Speaker 1: they returned to Paris. But they noticed that Paris Is
7:29
Speaker 1: is in ruins. Only after after they're done looting. Only
7:33
Speaker 1: four out of the what thirty something churches were left standing.
7:39
Speaker 1: And they were encouraged by this wanton mayhem, this gleeful destruction,
7:43
Speaker 1: and they said, you know what, raids are cool. Raids
7:47
Speaker 1: are super cool. But Paris has kind of been done.
7:50
Speaker 1: Let's go for something bigger. Why was it in such ruins? Then?
7:53
Speaker 1: So from to eight fifty seven, we're talking about three
7:56
Speaker 1: different sackings. There's not enough time the city to really
8:01
Speaker 1: repair itself, you know what I mean. You can only
8:03
Speaker 1: squeeze so much. I was gonna see milk from a cow,
8:07
Speaker 1: but that seems weird. You can't get blood from a stone.
8:09
Speaker 1: Poor Paris. Yeah, haven't they had enough? I mean, So
8:14
Speaker 1: that's basically what the takeaway was, right, That's what I mean.
8:17
Speaker 1: They were literally like, you know what I think? Uh,
8:20
Speaker 1: I think we're gonna leave them alone this time, right right,
8:23
Speaker 1: pretty much right now. But we should probably really quickly
8:27
Speaker 1: mentioned that Houstin was such a badass that he actually
8:30
Speaker 1: had quite a few names, whether they were aliases or
8:33
Speaker 1: other nicknames, but he was known a k A half Dan.
8:38
Speaker 1: That's my favorite one. By this, I mean he's like
8:40
Speaker 1: half he used to be half dan. He used to
8:46
Speaker 1: be like that. He's also all sting and also hastening
8:50
Speaker 1: with that really cool A e uh combined letter. What
8:52
Speaker 1: do you call that? Ben? Technically speaking, it's a grapheme
8:56
Speaker 1: formed from the letters A and e originally represented the
9:00
Speaker 1: Latin dipthong. A just sort of got smushed into one thing.
9:05
Speaker 1: Got it? Got it? So at this point, um, Hastin
9:09
Speaker 1: and Bjorn decided to make their way to the south
9:12
Speaker 1: of France on the Lower River. Ah, Casey on the case.
9:22
Speaker 1: You know what usually we I thought it was always
9:24
Speaker 1: vampire rules with you, Casey, don't we invoke you. I
9:27
Speaker 1: thought we had to invite you in to jump in there.
9:30
Speaker 1: He couldn't. He couldn't. He couldn't let that that gross
9:33
Speaker 1: mispronunciation stand. Just trying to save us all some emails.
9:36
Speaker 1: I appreciate it, buddy, I appreciate um. So so yeah,
9:42
Speaker 1: so they're sailing, uh, I believe a fleet of sixty
9:45
Speaker 1: two ships down the Loire River. Excuse me, case you
9:49
Speaker 1: don't need to have you popping into my head again. Uh.
9:51
Speaker 1: And they're going to the Iberian Peninsula. So, um, where
9:54
Speaker 1: they are is in what isn't today modern day France.
9:57
Speaker 1: And then they're going to um what is now Bane
10:00
Speaker 1: in Portugal, and along the way. They don't always do
10:04
Speaker 1: too hot because they're kind of persona on grata at
10:08
Speaker 1: this point. They keep running around, sacking places and pillaging
10:11
Speaker 1: and just having their way. So people are kind of
10:13
Speaker 1: wise to them a little bit at this point, aren't they. Yeah,
10:16
Speaker 1: this is all during this time. This is part of
10:18
Speaker 1: the Umad Caliphate, and you can only do this kind
10:22
Speaker 1: of thing so many times before people start realizing there's
10:26
Speaker 1: trouble of foot, you know what I mean, unless you
10:28
Speaker 1: kill everyone in the town you attack. So they did
10:32
Speaker 1: not have a flawless record. In fact, when they were
10:36
Speaker 1: raiding ships along the Galatian coast, they found that the
10:40
Speaker 1: local resistance overall was just too strong. So they weren't
10:45
Speaker 1: moving because they were maybe seeking greater riches. They were
10:48
Speaker 1: seeking easier targets, easier pickings. Easier picking is sir, That's
10:52
Speaker 1: how a lot of predators work, you know. And so
10:54
Speaker 1: they moved on to pillage the west coast of the Emirate,
10:57
Speaker 1: and there they started and cow entering more success. The
11:01
Speaker 1: coast Guard of the time captured two long ships scouting
11:04
Speaker 1: ahead of the main fleet and they found that these ships,
11:08
Speaker 1: these scout ships, were already full of treasure and food
11:11
Speaker 1: and slaves or captives that were destined to be enslaved.
11:15
Speaker 1: So at this point they're almost in their almost switching
11:17
Speaker 1: their tactics to more traditional pirate kind of right, right,
11:22
Speaker 1: And they suffer another defeat when they land in southwest Spain.
11:28
Speaker 1: The fleet next goes to the mouth of the guaddal
11:31
Speaker 1: Quivier with the intention, maybe historians guests, of attacking Seville
11:37
Speaker 1: for a second time, but then they get confronted by
11:41
Speaker 1: the Moorish fleet. These were actual trained soldiers, They had
11:47
Speaker 1: maritime war tactics. These were not just helpless fishing community.
11:51
Speaker 1: And didn't they lose a whole bunch of ships and
11:53
Speaker 1: men And in this confrontation, Yeah, because the Moorish fleet
11:57
Speaker 1: had incendiary weapons, they were literally lighten them up and
12:01
Speaker 1: the yeah, the ships burned, people died. What are the
12:05
Speaker 1: Vikings used typically? Were they using like I mean the
12:07
Speaker 1: access I imagine in close combat? But what what would
12:10
Speaker 1: they use in c combat? Do you think? Well, one
12:13
Speaker 1: thing we know for sure is that it was a
12:16
Speaker 1: long standing rule of theirs to leave town, to leave
12:20
Speaker 1: the scene if resistance was too strong. That's why their raiders,
12:23
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And so if we're if
12:27
Speaker 1: we're guessing, we know that a lot of their fleets
12:31
Speaker 1: had little to know cohesion, you know, it's kind of
12:34
Speaker 1: like more like a convoy on the road. Yeah. So
12:38
Speaker 1: they didn't attack ships with the intent of destroying them.
12:42
Speaker 1: They wanted to board them. So one of their common
12:45
Speaker 1: tactics was to try to ram ships and then once
12:49
Speaker 1: they're close enough, jump on the shore you go. And
12:52
Speaker 1: then they probably go to town with those battle axes
12:54
Speaker 1: right with them and they web. But I do believe
12:56
Speaker 1: they also used bows and arrows and spears and things
12:59
Speaker 1: like that. I could picture shooting volleys of arrows, you know,
13:03
Speaker 1: onto other ships. Possibly, I don't know. I can't confirm that,
13:06
Speaker 1: but it seems like that would be one way of
13:08
Speaker 1: getting it done. M Yeah, yeah, agreed. So typically their
13:13
Speaker 1: their aim was to get in close quarters to kill
13:16
Speaker 1: enslave plunder. But this other fleet that is well, uh
13:21
Speaker 1: well accustomed two maritime ship on ship warfare there, you know,
13:28
Speaker 1: their woutang style. They're nothing to with for sure. No,
13:32
Speaker 1: And I mean they were designed for that purpose of
13:35
Speaker 1: ramming as well. I mean the way the whole the
13:37
Speaker 1: whole ship was kind of built with that in mind.
13:41
Speaker 1: And so as as we said, noel uh, they encounter
13:46
Speaker 1: professional naval forces and they get the horns slapped off
13:51
Speaker 1: the helmets, which by the way, is a stereotype. And
13:55
Speaker 1: and they were barely able to make their way home,
13:58
Speaker 1: the few that were left alive. If we're forced to
14:01
Speaker 1: pay a ransom to escape. But this defeat, this ignominious defeat,
14:07
Speaker 1: did not scare or extinguish the thirst for vast treasures
14:11
Speaker 1: and glory on the part of your and iron side
14:14
Speaker 1: and hastin half Dan half I love half Dan. So
14:23
Speaker 1: at this point they've had some wins, they've had some losses,
14:27
Speaker 1: you know, but they still want more. That's sort of
14:30
Speaker 1: the nature of this kind of life, right. You don't
14:32
Speaker 1: really rest on your laurels, you know, otherwise you'll be
14:37
Speaker 1: seen as weak, and then you won't be the toughest
14:40
Speaker 1: viking in the sea, right And then what's the point
14:43
Speaker 1: what's the point? Well, no, it's it's kind of like
14:44
Speaker 1: mob rules, right, Like if it's as soon as you
14:47
Speaker 1: let up and stop you know, kicking people's asses all
14:51
Speaker 1: the time and taking collections, then all of a sudden
14:54
Speaker 1: someone else is going to move in on your turf,
14:55
Speaker 1: so they couldn't have that. And I think we've all
14:58
Speaker 1: heard that expression all roads lead to At this time
15:01
Speaker 1: that was especially true because Rome was seen as like
15:04
Speaker 1: the crown jewel of sack Herble places, right, Like that's
15:08
Speaker 1: the one that you would guarantee to have a crazy,
15:11
Speaker 1: incredible haul because it was full of riches and wealth,
15:15
Speaker 1: and like we had this whole you know, civilized society
15:18
Speaker 1: with culture and like it was just practically the streets
15:21
Speaker 1: were paved with gold right in the minds of these
15:24
Speaker 1: vikings and the minds these vikings, And this leads us
15:28
Speaker 1: to another character. We have to introduce the Norman monk
15:34
Speaker 1: Dudo of St. Quentin. Doo dude, oh uh. We don't
15:41
Speaker 1: know uh a ton about this guy, except that he
15:44
Speaker 1: was born around nine, he was in the Norman court
15:49
Speaker 1: Normandy for a while, and in his second stay in
15:53
Speaker 1: Normandy he wrote his history of the Norman's And as
15:57
Speaker 1: for the rest of his life, we know that he
15:59
Speaker 1: died some time before ten forty three, So we don't
16:02
Speaker 1: know a whole heck of a lot about him, but
16:05
Speaker 1: we do know that he is the source of the
16:10
Speaker 1: story that takes place. Next. Here's what happens. According to
16:15
Speaker 1: the story Your Ironside and there's buddy half Dan. They
16:20
Speaker 1: land in a place after they've been raiding the coast
16:23
Speaker 1: of Africa and getting their butts whipped by some professional
16:28
Speaker 1: naval forces. They land somewhere in Italy and they think,
16:33
Speaker 1: this is the most amazing city. Holy smokes, bro, we
16:37
Speaker 1: made it. We're in Rome and we're about to get down.
16:43
Speaker 1: We are going to tear the place up. We're gonna
16:46
Speaker 1: light it up, yolo time. It's total Viking yollosish. So
16:52
Speaker 1: they want to use a little bit of cunning because
16:55
Speaker 1: from everything they know about Rome, it's huge, it's home
17:00
Speaker 1: to opulent wealth, and it's probably very well protected. Right,
17:04
Speaker 1: So they said, there's no way we can take this
17:07
Speaker 1: by force. Like we're we're great guys, half Dan, but
17:12
Speaker 1: we we've got to think this through. Let's let's through.
17:15
Speaker 1: Our usual bloodthirsty, ruthless kind of smash and grab techniques
17:19
Speaker 1: are not going to serve us in this particular situation. Yeah,
17:22
Speaker 1: half Dan, that's how that went. This is uh So
17:30
Speaker 1: then you say, okay, well, let's let's give it tonight.
17:33
Speaker 1: Let's think on it. The next morning, a small group
17:36
Speaker 1: of Vikings approaches the city walls and they say, hold on,
17:42
Speaker 1: hold on, hang on. I know we look crazy, dressed
17:45
Speaker 1: in furs, dirty and sea worn, but we have not
17:49
Speaker 1: come to plunder you. We have no strength left. We're exhausted.
17:52
Speaker 1: We've been traveling a lot. Could you just make peace
17:55
Speaker 1: with us and let us buy what we need, you know,
17:59
Speaker 1: like food and provisions are chiefs are weak and broken,
18:02
Speaker 1: and uh, we need help. And our boy half Nan
18:06
Speaker 1: here is not doing so well. Yeah, he is on
18:09
Speaker 1: death's door and he has seen the light in the
18:13
Speaker 1: way of Rome. He seeks the absolution of your religious leaders.
18:19
Speaker 1: And you know, let's keep our opinions out of it
18:22
Speaker 1: because he's the boss. So he needs to be baptized
18:26
Speaker 1: if he dies here, he wants to be buried in
18:28
Speaker 1: this city, a Christian burial consecrated ground. So and I mean,
18:34
Speaker 1: I think you know that probably like the word conversion
18:37
Speaker 1: is like catnip to these people, you know, I mean,
18:39
Speaker 1: it's like, okay, sure, the Heathens, you want one one
18:42
Speaker 1: one will give one to God. Let's do it. Let
18:45
Speaker 1: him in, open the gates. So if I guess he
18:48
Speaker 1: and like a couple of his associates come in, and
18:52
Speaker 1: you'll hear a couple of different versions of the story, right,
18:55
Speaker 1: and one story hostin or half Dan is already dead
19:00
Speaker 1: quote unquote, and they his followers take this coffin in
19:05
Speaker 1: there to just get the burial and other versions of
19:09
Speaker 1: the story. He is taken in and he's the technical
19:14
Speaker 1: word is malingering. He's acting like he's a little more
19:18
Speaker 1: ill than he actually is. And he sits through a
19:22
Speaker 1: baptism ceremony right acpoint him with Holy apointment in oil,
19:28
Speaker 1: and he's smiling and he falls backwards on a stretcher.
19:32
Speaker 1: He's carried back to the ship by his companions, really
19:35
Speaker 1: doing a real Meisner number. Yeah yeah. And after after
19:40
Speaker 1: he gets carried back, they're doing a con right, And
19:43
Speaker 1: so now the people trust that the Vikings are sincere.
19:48
Speaker 1: And again, according to Doudo, I love the name. According
19:52
Speaker 1: to Doudo, this is when half Dan says to his followers,
19:57
Speaker 1: when night comes, you should say to the priests stand
20:00
Speaker 1: the Duke that I am dead, and fervently pray that
20:03
Speaker 1: I may be buried in the city. Say that you
20:06
Speaker 1: want to give them the sword and bracelet and everything
20:09
Speaker 1: that belongs to me. Spooky stuff right, treachery too right, indeed,
20:14
Speaker 1: treachery most foul. And so they go back and they say,
20:17
Speaker 1: our chief, as you have just named him, is dead.
20:20
Speaker 1: We pray that you could be buried in your convent
20:22
Speaker 1: and that you received these rich gifts he gave for
20:25
Speaker 1: you on his deathbed. So hey, there's an upside for
20:29
Speaker 1: you Rome. But what happens next? Oh well, my favorite
20:32
Speaker 1: version of the story is when he pops out of
20:34
Speaker 1: the coffin and uh slices off the head of a
20:37
Speaker 1: priest and then says, you know, yolo, And then he
20:41
Speaker 1: and his dudes charged back through the city to the gate.
20:44
Speaker 1: They open it up to the horde, you know, the
20:47
Speaker 1: remaining foot soldiers, I guess. And then something occurs to
20:52
Speaker 1: uh Bjorn or half Dan or Hastine Hastin. Yes, it's
20:58
Speaker 1: a terrible realization, quite embarrassing relation. And I'm not sure
21:02
Speaker 1: what did it for them, but something there was an
21:06
Speaker 1: aha moment or like an oh moment when they realized
21:10
Speaker 1: they had successfully sacked the wrong city, a completely different city.
21:16
Speaker 1: They were Viking rubes from the wild. They had no
21:20
Speaker 1: idea that they never made it to Rome. Instead, they
21:25
Speaker 1: were in a different town. Yeah, it's called Luna. And
21:28
Speaker 1: again these are all some questionable retellings of this because
21:33
Speaker 1: there are two different versions. Will tell the other one
21:35
Speaker 1: in a second. But in one version of this, they
21:37
Speaker 1: were so embarrassed that they massacred the entire population of
21:42
Speaker 1: the city. They don't take well to surprises, I guess, so, yeah.
21:48
Speaker 1: According to this version, they turn into full on lunatics.
21:52
Speaker 1: They kill everyone, or at least all the adult men,
21:57
Speaker 1: and then they say, Okay, we're gonna keep sailing. We're
22:00
Speaker 1: going southeast, maybe to Alexandria and Egypt or something, and
22:04
Speaker 1: then they raid the Mediterranean for a few years. Than
22:07
Speaker 1: they return home, never to tell people of their embarrassing
22:11
Speaker 1: wrong turn. That's right. And then there's a whole another
22:15
Speaker 1: conflict involving Alfred the Great, where the um forces of
22:20
Speaker 1: Hastin and Bjorn are kicking and around um Europe, the
22:23
Speaker 1: United Kingdom, specifically Wales. Um. Actually his family gets abducted
22:28
Speaker 1: by the forces of Alfred the Great and he ends
22:31
Speaker 1: up having to negotiate with him to get his family
22:33
Speaker 1: returned to him, and one thing leads to another, and
22:37
Speaker 1: he does not succeed, and he more or less disappears
22:40
Speaker 1: from history around eight nineties six, usually no more mention
22:43
Speaker 1: of hastin half Dan, all sting whatever you wanna call. Yeah, yeah,
22:48
Speaker 1: he you're you're correct. He disappears around eight nine six.
22:51
Speaker 1: By then he is an elderly man. He's been described
22:54
Speaker 1: as the lusty and terrifying old warrior of the Louis
22:58
Speaker 1: in the Psalm, and we now know that he was
23:03
Speaker 1: one of the most notorious and successful Vikings of all time.
23:08
Speaker 1: But can't be that way without making enemies. So the
23:11
Speaker 1: Norman monk Dudo of St. Quentin was incredibly critical of
23:16
Speaker 1: our boy half Dan. He said, quote, this was a
23:20
Speaker 1: man a curst, fierce, mightily cruel and savage, pestilent, hostile,
23:24
Speaker 1: somber truculent, given to outrage, pestilent and untrustworthy, fickle and lawless,
23:29
Speaker 1: death dealing, uncouth, fertile and ruses or monger, general trait
23:35
Speaker 1: or fomentor of evil and double diided dissimulator. Goodness, gracious, right,
23:41
Speaker 1: that is a war of words, right there, my friend,
23:44
Speaker 1: fertile and ruses is such a great insult. He also
23:47
Speaker 1: uses pestilent twice, which I couldn't help but notice that.
23:51
Speaker 1: But yeah, so he definitely lives on in infamy even after,
23:55
Speaker 1: you know, disappearing from the record. You're right, he doubled
23:58
Speaker 1: down on PESTI. It really did. M So the question
24:05
Speaker 1: then becomes a matter of how much we can trust Judo.
24:09
Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Is he just spinning tales
24:13
Speaker 1: to amuse himself or you know, what are his sources?
24:17
Speaker 1: So we can say that this still counts as ridiculous
24:21
Speaker 1: history despite the fact that many, many people died because
24:24
Speaker 1: these guys, if we are to believe the story, were
24:27
Speaker 1: so intelligent that they figured out a trojan horse type
24:31
Speaker 1: ruse or heist on their own, but still didn't know
24:34
Speaker 1: what city they were in. Yeah. Well, I mean it's
24:36
Speaker 1: not like they had all the maps or anything. They
24:38
Speaker 1: were kind of just like going by their gut, their
24:40
Speaker 1: Viking guts. So thank you so much for tuning in everyone.
24:44
Speaker 1: We hope that you enjoyed today. A man, every time
24:50
Speaker 1: I thought maybe it wasn't gonna happen again, every time
24:55
Speaker 1: it's time, gentlemen, Strickland a quiz or you guys you
25:01
Speaker 1: like to call him the quizzler. I take his like
25:04
Speaker 1: it's like using his name in vain or you know,
25:07
Speaker 1: the Quizzler is a trademarked candy coming straight from the
25:11
Speaker 1: chocolate shop. I also happened to run. Why are you
25:15
Speaker 1: announcing that in such an archway? I mean, congratulations, man,
25:18
Speaker 1: that's cool evil candy. That's do you sell those giant
25:23
Speaker 1: gob stopper things like the jawbreakers you know that are
25:26
Speaker 1: impossible to fit in your mouth? Is it like that
25:28
Speaker 1: frustrating candy right? Yes, the kind that you have to
25:30
Speaker 1: unhinge your jaw in order to put it in. Then
25:32
Speaker 1: then you then you're just stuck with it. Edgy inconvenient candy.
25:38
Speaker 1: We like to turn good kids into horrible kids and
25:42
Speaker 1: then release them upon the world. That I don't go
25:45
Speaker 1: in for all this nonsense of taking evil kids and
25:47
Speaker 1: then you know, turning them into blueberries. That's just that's
25:51
Speaker 1: amateur work. Okay, okay, this became a bit of an
25:55
Speaker 1: exercise to throw some shade at Wonka. You get nothing,
26:00
Speaker 1: all right, you lose, Well, it's little early for that
26:03
Speaker 1: good day. Say, let's find out if you will lose,
26:07
Speaker 1: because we all know that I've been summoned here, and
26:10
Speaker 1: that tis my wuant whenever I find out, when I
26:15
Speaker 1: finally figure out who is summoning you, the woe be
26:20
Speaker 1: unto them. I just say, there's a little button under
26:22
Speaker 1: one of these desks, and when someone pushes it, a
26:25
Speaker 1: light comes on at my desk, and I run over
26:27
Speaker 1: here as fast as my little legs can carry, like
26:30
Speaker 1: a bat phone kind of situation do you have, like
26:32
Speaker 1: a red telephone? The blanks or teller? What joined the
26:36
Speaker 1: twenty one century? Noel here? All right, So as I
26:39
Speaker 1: understand what you're talking about, invasion, So I've come up
26:45
Speaker 1: with my own invasion quandary. If you do not understand
26:51
Speaker 1: those listening what is happening, I don't blame you. I
26:54
Speaker 1: haven't bothered to explain it yet. Oh let's do. Let's
26:57
Speaker 1: do that part. So this is the This is the
26:59
Speaker 1: part of the show where you, Jonathan Strickland the Quister,
27:04
Speaker 1: arrive at the most unexpected moments, which tend to universally
27:08
Speaker 1: be towards the end of the show, fully in disguise,
27:12
Speaker 1: despite the fact that you have already established I am,
27:15
Speaker 1: in fact Jonathan Strickland the quizter. Yes, yes, these are
27:18
Speaker 1: all true things, and you are here to once again
27:22
Speaker 1: test our knowledge. You are going to give us a scenario,
27:26
Speaker 1: Is that correct? A scenario, and then you will determine
27:29
Speaker 1: whether or not in fact the scenario I present to
27:31
Speaker 1: you represents a true event in history, or if I
27:34
Speaker 1: made it up. Seats, and you will have three minutes
27:37
Speaker 1: to do so. In that three minutes, you will also
27:40
Speaker 1: be allowed to ask questions of me, but only if
27:42
Speaker 1: you first obey a rule of obitrary nature that I
27:46
Speaker 1: will come up with at the time of the question.
27:48
Speaker 1: So first I will give you the scenario. Then I
27:50
Speaker 1: will tell you what the rule is you must follow
27:53
Speaker 1: to ask any questions, and then we shall begin the
27:55
Speaker 1: Great Grandfather clock timer. Okay, guys, have it touched that
28:00
Speaker 1: since Daylight Saving Town? Okay, look irritating me, it's an
28:04
Speaker 1: entire hour. I don't. I don't support daylight Saving time.
28:07
Speaker 1: For the record, I choose to daylight waster. Well, we
28:12
Speaker 1: just spent so much money on this clock. Quick peek
28:15
Speaker 1: behind the curtain. This was a television show originally, but
28:18
Speaker 1: we blew the budget on this enormous clock and that's
28:21
Speaker 1: my fault. And now we're a podcast. Still feel obligated
28:24
Speaker 1: to wear the costume. Thank you man, Thank well. I
28:26
Speaker 1: just want to apologize. I'm sorry, No, I'm sorry, Casey
28:29
Speaker 1: I'm somewhat sorry, tights chafe, So where are the year
28:38
Speaker 1: six hundred and twenty five saw an entire English invasion
28:43
Speaker 1: of Spain called off on account of drunkenness. Allowed me
28:47
Speaker 1: to explain for complicated reasons involving a Spanish princess giving
28:52
Speaker 1: the cold shoulder to Prince Charles, the son of James
28:55
Speaker 1: the First, the Duke of Buckingham, wanted to use the
28:58
Speaker 1: English fleet to put a hurt on Spain. James died
29:03
Speaker 1: in sixty five and his boy Chuck became Charles the First.
29:07
Speaker 1: Chuck dissolved parliament and Buckingham got to have his invasion,
29:11
Speaker 1: except he forgot to supply the boats. So the fleet
29:14
Speaker 1: attacked Cadiz, Spain, and takes over suppertuous fort, and the
29:20
Speaker 1: commander of the invasion, seeing that he didn't have the
29:23
Speaker 1: food and supplies needed to feed his invasion force, gave
29:27
Speaker 1: the English permission to sack the fort's supplies, and so
29:31
Speaker 1: the English began to drink copious amounts of wine until
29:35
Speaker 1: the entire force of fifteen thousand soldiers were drunk as skunks.
29:42
Speaker 1: Seeing no way to victory, the commander ordered a retreat
29:46
Speaker 1: and Spain's invasion was cut very short due to public drunkenness.
29:51
Speaker 1: Now your arbitrary rule is before you ask a question,
29:55
Speaker 1: you must make a toast. Start the timer, all right?
30:00
Speaker 1: Do you me running? Start? Oh far, and we're off
30:04
Speaker 1: to the races. What do you think? Now? He's so
30:08
Speaker 1: good at this, He's really good at this. And I
30:11
Speaker 1: hate to say it. I hate to even give a
30:14
Speaker 1: shred of a compliment to the quister, but he really
30:17
Speaker 1: knows how to push my buttons. Yes, yes, uh, let's see.
30:21
Speaker 1: That wasn't helpful for the questions. Here's valuable context. Man
30:25
Speaker 1: um a toast, A toast to half Dan. Good enough,
30:30
Speaker 1: he was in the episode that we just did. Okay,
30:35
Speaker 1: So how common was wine at this time? Extremely? Well?
30:40
Speaker 1: Wine is ancient. And then this was Spain, which is
30:43
Speaker 1: not that far from I don't know if you know
30:44
Speaker 1: your geography France. All right, Also a toast to Tuba solos.
30:52
Speaker 1: You're not even trying, Mr, Buthea, they're great. Uh? Was
30:57
Speaker 1: was Spain? Uh? A caliphate at that time? This is
31:03
Speaker 1: immaterial of the question. And you know I've just I've
31:06
Speaker 1: just tried to I can give you a lot more
31:09
Speaker 1: details if you want. I can either make them up
31:12
Speaker 1: seas or I can tell you real things about Spain.
31:16
Speaker 1: That's true. That's an irrelevant question on my part. Older
31:19
Speaker 1: you have a question. I just don't even know where
31:23
Speaker 1: to start. I'm just so flamm x by this one.
31:26
Speaker 1: I tend to lean towards I'm going with true. Okay,
31:32
Speaker 1: it in three to one true. You are correct. Yes,
31:40
Speaker 1: this actually did happen. Let me explain what was happening,
31:44
Speaker 1: because the story gets so much crazier. But really that
31:47
Speaker 1: was running a long already and I didn't want to
31:48
Speaker 1: make it the super long one. So here's the story.
31:52
Speaker 1: We have James, the first of England, and he wants
31:55
Speaker 1: to make peace with Spain. There had been hostilities between
31:58
Speaker 1: the two nations for quite sometimes you might have heard
32:00
Speaker 1: of a little thing called the Spanish Matter, and Elizabeth
32:03
Speaker 1: was all not having it. Anyway. To a secure peace
32:08
Speaker 1: in the Renaissance really meant one thing, which is mary
32:12
Speaker 1: one of your kids to one of the snot nosed
32:14
Speaker 1: kids of the other place, and then hope that everything
32:16
Speaker 1: turns out all right. So James reaches out to see
32:19
Speaker 1: if perhaps they might be able to arrange a marriage
32:22
Speaker 1: between a Infanta of the Spanish royalty and his son,
32:29
Speaker 1: Charles the First or Charles at that point, and Charles
32:32
Speaker 1: and Buckingham went incognito to Spain. That means no, they
32:37
Speaker 1: weren't letting everyone know who they were. Are you kind
32:40
Speaker 1: of sending to me, sir? So they go to Spain.
32:44
Speaker 1: Nathan condescending means talk down to people. You're talking to
32:49
Speaker 1: an expert. The Infanta says thanks, but no thanks, Chuck,
32:54
Speaker 1: I don't think you're really revving my engines. And so
32:58
Speaker 1: they were returned to England, Bucky him immediately. Bucking Him,
33:01
Speaker 1: by the way, was one of James the First favorites,
33:04
Speaker 1: possibly lover, and they wanted to immediately to create an
33:08
Speaker 1: invasion of Spain. James the First didn't want to make
33:10
Speaker 1: things worse, so until he died, which was in That's
33:14
Speaker 1: how things stood. Then they tried to get Parliament two
33:19
Speaker 1: agree to this invasion, but they were worried that perhaps
33:22
Speaker 1: Parliament would agree to the invasion but then not pay
33:25
Speaker 1: for it to happen, so they waited until Charles, now
33:29
Speaker 1: Charles the First dissolved parliament, so Parliament is not in session,
33:35
Speaker 1: and then they go and mount this invasion. They hire
33:38
Speaker 1: a Dutch commander who was a brilliant land soldier take
33:45
Speaker 1: up this armada invade Spain. They take over a fort
33:50
Speaker 1: that doesn't remotely give them access to the town they
33:54
Speaker 1: actually need to take, and the only supplies they had
33:58
Speaker 1: any access to a wine. And then the commander says,
34:01
Speaker 1: tell you what, why don't you guys go ahead and
34:02
Speaker 1: get yourself something to drink because this might take a while,
34:05
Speaker 1: And they got a rotten, stinging drunk they ran away.
34:10
Speaker 1: One thousand English soldiers were left behind. Not a single
34:15
Speaker 1: shot was fired in that invasion, and all one thousand
34:19
Speaker 1: English soldiers were put to the sword. Cheerful, cheerful into
34:24
Speaker 1: that story run through as it were, They probably didn't notice,
34:28
Speaker 1: having been full of sack, which is a very strong wine,
34:33
Speaker 1: we're back to We're back to sack, you saying, because
34:36
Speaker 1: we were debating, we were actually we were trying to
34:39
Speaker 1: figure out on the fly while we're recording the difference
34:42
Speaker 1: between sack ran sack and looting, and there's not really one. Well,
34:45
Speaker 1: and also sack isn't getting fired in Britain, and then
34:49
Speaker 1: sack isn't taking over a city. Well, and there's also
34:51
Speaker 1: a sack which is very strong wine, which I love.
34:54
Speaker 1: Now I'm going to refer to any cheap, cheap wine
34:57
Speaker 1: a sack. Should Henry, Henry the fourth pot one false
35:00
Speaker 1: Staff is known for his sack. That's a that's a
35:04
Speaker 1: pun as well. I think we've okay, okay, good, so
35:08
Speaker 1: very body middle school? Shakespeare's man is a body boy?
35:14
Speaker 1: Middle school me? Was it completely off base? Jonathan Strickland's
35:18
Speaker 1: also known as the Quister. Thank you for returning to
35:22
Speaker 1: the show. I think we're still a little behind him,
35:27
Speaker 1: one behind me at this point. I think we're almost even.
35:31
Speaker 1: You know what that means? Yeah, going to get way worse.
35:37
Speaker 1: I don't know if that's possible. You're kind of the worst,
35:40
Speaker 1: I think. I I think you're all right. I appreciate learning.
35:43
Speaker 1: I'm gonna use the word sack a lot more. I
35:45
Speaker 1: feel like I never appreciated it. You're sort of a
35:47
Speaker 1: Carmen san Diego type figure, you know, Carmen. It is
35:52
Speaker 1: true that Rockafella sings wherever I go. So so, Jonathan,
35:58
Speaker 1: I feel like we don't say this too often when
36:00
Speaker 1: you are on this show. You can be found not
36:04
Speaker 1: just here, but on your other podcast, Tech Stuff and
36:09
Speaker 1: The Brink, as well as Large Nerve Drawn Collider coming soon.
36:14
Speaker 1: Available wherever you find your favorite shows. So in the meantime,
36:19
Speaker 1: we hope that you enjoyed this story. If you find
36:22
Speaker 1: names as cool as half Dan or your and ironside,
36:26
Speaker 1: let us know sac Man, sac Man, half half Sack.
36:32
Speaker 1: We gotta get up. That happened. People can tell we're
36:35
Speaker 1: recording on a Friday. Yeah, let's so. You can find
36:38
Speaker 1: us on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Join your fellow listeners
36:42
Speaker 1: over at our Facebook page. Ridiculous historians. Dare we say
36:46
Speaker 1: it's more than just a page, it's a family? Oh yeah,
36:49
Speaker 1: I don't dare no go, you're there all the time. There,
36:54
Speaker 1: I don't dare say it's a family. Oh, because that
36:58
Speaker 1: would be nice because the holidays are coming up. But
37:01
Speaker 1: I already have a really low shopping list. That's fair,
37:03
Speaker 1: That makes sense. Well, thanks to all of you guys
37:06
Speaker 1: out there in podcast land. Thanks to you Ben for
37:09
Speaker 1: being such a good co host and friend and happy
37:12
Speaker 1: holidays and all that. Uh quister, thank thank you, thank you,
37:18
Speaker 1: thank you. You know, um, I gave you a little
37:22
Speaker 1: present as your desk. Don't drink it. I feel badly
37:26
Speaker 1: about it now. Thanks for the heads up? What okay?
37:30
Speaker 1: You know what we're a Family Show, so thanks to you,
37:33
Speaker 1: Casey Pegraham. As always, thanks to Alex Williams who composed
37:37
Speaker 1: our track and Chris frostiotis our research associate for this episode.
37:41
Speaker 1: And stay tuned for the next episode where we talk
37:44
Speaker 1: about the surprising roots of the Tooth Fairy. See you then,