Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 55: Understanding the "Not Enough" Core Belief

Transcript

55: Understanding the "Not Enough" Core Belief · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

• 0:00
  Hey there. Today I want to talk about a
• 0:02
  moment in therapy for me that changed the way that I saw
• 0:05
  myself and honestly, it changed the direction of my healing.
• 0:09
  In one of my earliest sessions, my therapist and I were talking
• 0:13
  about my cheating and my porn use.
• 0:16
  And in the middle of that session and in that
• 0:18
  conversation, he said something and I'll never forget.
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  He said to me, he said if your wife were enough, you wouldn't
• 0:24
  have cheated. He said if your kids were
• 0:26
  enough, you wouldn't have cheated.
• 0:28
  He said if your God were enough, you wouldn't have cheated.
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  And immediately I felt like this surge of defensiveness and I
• 0:34
  wanted to push back because here's the deal.
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  My wife was enough and my kids were enough and my faith
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  mattered deeply to me. And so I said that's not true.
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  I don't remember if I actually said that, but that's something
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  that at least I felt. And then I and I meant it.
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  But then it hit me, So what? He wasn't saying was they
• 0:59
  weren't enough. He was showing me that nothing,
• 1:02
  no matter how good or meaningful, could fill that hole
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  that was inside of me. Because the real problem was
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  that I didn't know how to be satisfied.
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  That somewhere deep inside of me, I believe that nothing would
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  ever be enough. And just beneath that, that
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  belief that I wasn't enough either.
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  So we're going to talk about that today.
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  Of what is this enough? Not enough concept all about, so
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  we're going to jump into it. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
• 1:35
  podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
• 1:37
  I'm thrilled to have you join me in the space today.
• 1:39
  What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
• 1:42
  triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
• 1:45
  Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
• 1:48
  moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
• 1:50
  commitment to self that reveals the rich connection and meaning
• 1:54
  that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
• 1:56
  time tuning in or you're a regular listener and know this,
• 1:59
  what you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
• 2:02
  You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
• 2:05
  incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
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  Because when you dare to show up fully, the rewards are
• 2:10
  immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the Facade.
• 2:13
  Let's get started. Let's talk about this myth of
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  enough. So let's start with this idea.
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  So many of us carry this unspoken belief that if things
• 2:23
  were just right that we wouldn't struggle.
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  Let me give you some examples of this.
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  If my relationship was stronger, if my partner didn't have so
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  many walls up, or if my family were more supportive, or if I
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  was closer to God. But here's the truth.
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  Even if that were perfectly in place, you might still sense and
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  feel that there was a disconnection and craving or
• 2:47
  emptiness because this isn't about what's happening around
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  you. It's about what happens within
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  you. When we don't know how to feel
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  satisfied, and we're always looking to feel satisfied, we're
• 2:58
  always looking for something, we're always grasping for more.
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  It's not because people in our lives are falling short, but
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  it's because we come to rely on something that's outside of
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  ourselves to fix that what's broken inside of us.
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  We're always going external for something that's supposed to be
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  internal. Addiction or compulsive behavior
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  works like that. Compulsive behavior works like
• 3:21
  it. It kind of whispers to us, this
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  next thing will be what makes you feel a hole, what makes you
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  feel better, but it never delivers.
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  Like at the end of the day, it feels temporarily satisfying and
• 3:33
  temporarily like the answer. But because you can't fill a
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  bottomless pit with more, you have to repair that hole at the
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  foundation. So we have to be ready to fill
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  that hole. I'm just going to invite you to
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  look at that. OK, So what hole exists for you?
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  Are you even aware that it is? Are you aware of what you're
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  trying to fill it with that the why you're trying to fill it
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  with that? That's a lot of like phase one
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  work in recovery, which is what's the root cause?
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  What hole am I trying to fill? So let's take a look at Part 2.
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  This not enough wound. And this isn't just about
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  feeling like unsatisfied and alive.
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  We can actually fill a deep sense of satisfaction around
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  certain thing, but it's way deeper and it's about you.
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  It's about the belief that you're not enough just the way
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  that you are. And because of that belief,
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  nothing else ever feels like enough either.
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  So it's that it's that constant need to find something, but it
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  really exists inside of us. A lot of people that believe
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  starts really early. So maybe there was some growing
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  up in your home, your family of origin, where love had to be
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  earned, or I had to go chase that.
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  And once I did the certain thing right, that there was this
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  acceptance that was given. Maybe if I was righteous enough,
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  if I had the right kind of grades, if I did well enough in
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  sports, if I wore the right kind of clothes, where success was
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  praised. But at the end of the day, your
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  emotions were ignored, all right?
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  So there was behavior that was praised, but the emotions behind
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  him didn't have space by anybody else.
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  This is where shame was used as like motivation.
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  We had to be really, really, really careful how we use our
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  own feelings to motivate other people.
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  So maybe a parent said to you, like, I'm really proud of you
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  because you did this and we tied our worth to it.
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  If it was about the behavior, or maybe you were never outright
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  told you weren't enough, but you felt it and all the little ways,
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  like people didn't see you, they didn't hear you, didn't show up
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  for you. I'm not inviting you to
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  weaponize that if you didn't get that.
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  So if you're taking from this like a victim mindset, don't do
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  that. But I want to acknowledge what
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  actually happened. What you learned from this
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  experience is OK. I need to be better.
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  And if I am, I do need to hide in ways that I'm broken because
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  ultimately that's going to show that I'm not worthy and I'm not
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  going to be acceptable and I have to prove that I'm worthy.
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  So let me get really good at showing people what makes me
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  worthy. Let me really start to notice
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  what I can do and show people that makes the like I belong.
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  So from there, there's this chase that begins where you
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  might chase success, or you might chase attention, or sex or
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  pornography, or being the perfect partner or parent or
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  friend. But no matter how far you run,
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  it's like trying to fill a cup with a hole at the bottom.
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  You keep pouring, but it never stays full.
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  So This is why you can have people who love you and who
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  respect you and support you and still feels like something's
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  missing. It doesn't matter how much my
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  partner praises me. It doesn't matter how much my
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  boss praises me at the last moments or I don't even believe
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  it to begin with. That's something that we filled
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  out hole with. It's not more validation.
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  OK, So what we need to do is we need to search for healing.
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  Let me give you this Part 3. What is healing the enoughness
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  look like? Let's talk about that healing
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  recovery. It's not just about behavior
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  change. It's not just about stopping
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  porn or ending an affair or managing impulses.
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  It's about that transformation that happens.
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  It's starting with the belief that you're not enough.
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  So we really start to look foundationally.
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  It's the beliefs. The beliefs are what keeps us
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  trap. It's not the behavior, but it's
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  what we believe about ourselves. So what if I'm already enough
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  right now in this moment? Wow, can you think about that?
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  What if I'm already enough in this moment?
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  Right now, in this moment? You might be like, how can I
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  believe that with the kind of choices I've made?
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  This question doesn't require like an immediate answer.
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  It's just an invitation for you to slow down and start noticing
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  all the ways you've been trying to earn love and safety and
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  approval instead of receiving it.
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  So here's what the healing journey can look like.
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  Let me give you key aspects or bullet points in this.
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  I guess I should say the first thing we do is we tell the truth
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  even when it's hard. Second part of this is we let
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  others see the parts of you that you've been hiding, especially
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  in like those safe, supportive environments like therapy or
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  recovery groups. The next piece of this is we sit
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  with the discomfort. So instead of escaping it
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  through numbing and strolling and acting out, we give that
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  space to sit with that discomfort.
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  And then what we do is we learn to reparent that wounded parts
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  of ourselves, so those parts of us that maybe didn't get that
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  parenting done in the right way or at all.
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  We offer compassion to those parts of us that were often
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  criticized or felt like that there was a certain behavior or
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  aspect of life that we had to meet to gain acceptance.
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  Where we offer that compassion to ourselves still through
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  accountability, still through not letting ourselves off the
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  hook, but with compassion that it is outside of behavior, that
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  where acceptance comes from. And then we're going to slowly,
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  gently rewrite this story that says you're broken and you're
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  unworthy and you're too far gone.
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  I'm not saying this is easy, I just gave you what 5 bullet
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  points to go off of. But I am saying it's possible.
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  Over time, as you practice this stuff and you choose this
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  presence over like this performance, the honesty over
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  hiding, the connection part over the control, something's going
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  to shift, OK? Big things are going to shift
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  slowly. It's going to be this big, big
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  battleship that starts to turn, this ship that turns in a new
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  direction, and you're going to start to feel like there's
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  things inside you that are filled.
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  And then this validation is like earning acceptance, earning from
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  going outside of yourself for acceptance.
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  It's not going to feel as important as it used to, Phil,
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  And that's not going to be sudden change.
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  But it's because you put in those pieces, those efforts over
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  and over and over again. So here's the deal.
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  If something in this episode, it's close to home, I want to
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  leave you with this. The problem was never that your
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  partner wasn't enough or your kids or your God.
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  I hated that when I heard it, but I recognized that there was
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  truth behind that it was really about me.
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  So it's that somewhere along the way you came to believe that you
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  weren't, but you were. You are in this moment.
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  You always have been enough. Appreciate you letting this sink
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  into your heart, just noticing this.
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  And if you're listening to this podcast alone, if you're trying
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  to do this by yourself, stop. Stop trying to do it by
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  yourself. Prove that you're worth it by
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  going to and sharing your story, the parts of you that you don't
• 11:01
  like, sitting with that uncomfortableness, noticing what
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  happens inside of you. And I'm hopefully I get a chance
• 11:08
  to spend time with you inside of a group setting inside of
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  one-on-one. And then when I say we, I'm
• 11:13
  talking about those of us that choose recovery services because
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  we've been in that hole before. We know what this looks like.
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  So anyway, keep going. Don't stop, keep fighting.
• 11:24
  Hey friends, it's Hallie Roderick here, and I wanted to
• 11:26
  personally invite you to an incredible opportunity coming up
• 11:29
  this summer. From July 8th to 11th, Luke
• 11:32
  Gordon and I will be Co facilitating a helper heel
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  intensive for men in Spanish Fork, UT.
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  And if you're a man who's serious about rebuilding trust,
• 11:40
  creating emotional safety, and doing the deep work of repair
• 11:43
  after betrayal, this space is created specifically for you.
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  This Four Day Intensive is not a lecture series.
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  It's a deeply experiential process designed to help you
• 11:53
  feel the shift, not just understand it intellectually.
• 11:57
  Together, we'll explore powerful tools and practices to help you
• 12:01
  develop real empathy, shame, resiliency, and a clear
• 12:05
  understanding of the trail trauma so you can begin to show
• 12:08
  up as a safe, trustworthy partner again.
• 12:11
  You'll also have the opportunity to connect with other men who
• 12:14
  are on the same path. Men also committed to growth,
• 12:18
  their integrity, doing the hard work and the beautiful work of
• 12:21
  relationship repair. So whether you're just beginning
• 12:24
  this process or you're well on your way, this intensity can be
• 12:27
  a powerful next step in your journey towards healing.
• 12:30
  So if you're ready to move forward, we'd love to have you
• 12:33
  join us. So to learn more or to reserve
• 12:36
  your spot, check out the show notes where you'll find a link
• 12:39
  to reach out to our office. So let's do this work together.
• 12:42
  Hope to see you in Utah. Hey, thanks for joining us
• 12:47
  today. If this is something that you
• 12:49
  connected with, I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
• 12:53
  So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
• 12:56
  check the show notes and there what we can do is set up a quick
• 12:59
  conversation needs. Thanks so much for listening to
• 13:01
  Beyond the Facade where we unmask the authentic cell.