Latest / Andy Stanley Sermons / Andy Stanley - Love Dates Heartbreaks Part 4 Five Rules for Dating

Transcript

Andy Stanley - Love Dates Heartbreaks Part 4 Five Rules for Dating · Andy Stanley Sermons

0:01
You all ready for today. It's gonna be a flamethrower. Okay, you
0:04
ready with Jesus on the front, it's going to anyway today. We are
0:08
actually in part four of a series that we've been in for the past three
0:11
weeks, and this is Part four of Love Dates and Heartbreaks. And if
0:15
you haven't been with us, or if this is the first time to tune
0:17
in, this is a series for students who are dating, college students who
0:20
are dating graduate students, singles who are dating. If you are out of
0:24
a marriage and you find yourself in this world where you're dating again and trying
0:27
to figure out it's for you. If you are in a committed relationship or
0:30
you're married, this is a series for you because we've discovered all kinds of
0:33
cool things about how to make relationships existing relationships better. And as I've said
0:38
throughout the series, it's an opportunity for me to talk about something that breaks
0:42
my heart, because very few things break my heart like watching people make relationship
0:48
decisions that undermine their relationships, that undermine their current relationships, or perhaps undermine
0:54
a future relationship they don't even talk about. So it's Love Dates and Heartbreaks.
0:59
We've talked so far about love. We talked about Jesus' brand new brand
1:03
of love, not the do unto others as you would have others doing to
1:04
you, or love unto others as you would have to be others love unto
1:07
you. A brand new kind of love, where Jesus said, I want
1:11
the love that you display and that you dispense on others to reflect the kind
1:15
of love I have had for you. And when he said this it didn't
1:19
make a lot of sense to his first century followers, but after the crucifixion
1:22
it made all the sense in the world because he laid down his life for
1:25
them. And he said, now when you think about loving other people,
1:26
I want you to take your cue not from other people. I want you
1:30
to take your cue from me. It's an as I have done unto you,
1:33
you are to do unto others kind of love. And if that's all,
1:37
he said, that would really be about all we'd need. The Apostle
1:38
Paul said it this way. He said, have the same attitude toward one
1:44
another as Lord Jesus Christ had. And your relationships to others, Paul said,
1:48
and your relationships to others have the same mindset that Christ had again,
1:52
do we really need anything else? We know how much Jesus loved the people
1:56
around him. But the apostle Paul came along, as we know, and
1:59
he teased this out, and he gave us the fine print, the fine
2:02
print that will make you what fine. That's right, the fine print that
2:06
will make you fine. He said, this is what this actually looks like
2:09
in an actual relationship. He said. The love that God has displayed to
2:13
you and put on display to you through Jesus, that he wants you now
2:15
to put on display through others looks like this. It's patient, it's kind,
2:20
it's not jealous or arrogant or honoring. It's honoring, its selfless.
2:23
It's not easily angered. It's not a scorekeeper. If you were here last
2:27
time we were together, we talked about scorekeepers, and I know some of
2:30
you had conversations later about that. I heard about some of those that this
2:34
kind of love is protecting, it's trusting, it's hopeful, and it's persevering.
2:38
And so Paul teases these out. He says, this is what this
2:40
kind of love looks like. And it's so important. If you missed any
2:45
of the previous episodes these past two where we looked at. These words are
2:47
so important for you to go back and watch. You can do that by
2:50
using your church app, or you can go to my YouTube channel. All
2:53
these messages are there because today we build on where we've been. So we've
2:58
talked about love, we've talked about love, and today we're gonna talk about
3:02
dates. And I want to go ahead and give you the bottom line today
3:06
of today's message up front in case you get lose interest or leave, or
3:09
your power goes out at home, and the bottom line is simply this.
3:14
If you don't want a relationship, if you don't want a relationship like the
3:17
majority of relationships, don't date like the majority of daters. If you don't
3:23
want a relationship like the majority of relationships, If you don't want a marriage,
3:28
if you want to want a marriage in the future, like the majority
3:30
of marriages you've seen. In fact, one of the reasons perhaps you're putting
3:32
off marriages is you've just never seen a good one. You've never seen one
3:36
you wanted to be in, because they all look like you would be stuck
3:38
in them, and you don't want to be stuck. Well, if you
3:40
don't want a marriage like the majority of marriages then don't date like the majority
3:45
of daters. Now. The apostle Paul, who we left off with last
3:49
time, set us up for today's discussion because at the end of that extraordinary
3:53
chapter First Corinthians, chapter thirteen, the Love chapter, at the very end,
3:58
he said something very personal, and again it's teased us up for where
4:01
we're going today. And you may remember this, and if you weren't here
4:03
with this last time, you've probably heard these words before. Here's what he
4:06
said. He said, when I was a little boy. When I was
4:11
a little boy, when I was a child, I talked like a child,
4:15
and I thought like a child. And when I was a child,
4:19
I actually reasoned like a child. But then I grew up. And when
4:25
I grew up, I did what grown ups are supposed to do. When
4:28
I grew up, when I became an adult, I put behind me,
4:30
or I put away the ways of childhood. I put the ways of childhood
4:34
behind me. Now all of us understand this in terms of there are things
4:40
you just don't do the way you used to do them because you grew up
4:42
and you naturally put the ways of childhood behind you. You're not childish anymore.
4:46
But for some reason that I can't explain. Maybe somebody smarter than me
4:49
can. For some reason. In our culture when it comes to dating,
4:54
it's like we have all reverted back to childhood and the whole culture of has
5:00
become so childish. But that's not the term we use. In fact,
5:03
all the blogs and the rants and the articles about dating, nobody talks about
5:06
childish behavior. The word that our culture has chosen to describe dating in the
5:12
twenty first century is this word, the word complicated. They say dating is
5:17
complicated. Dating is just so complicated. Here's a few quotes to kind of
5:23
set our direction for today. Benjamin says this online dating is the worst.
5:29
Each time I ask friends ranging from early twenties to their forties, how the
5:31
temperature in the dating pool is, I met with borderline hostility. For all,
5:39
he continues, for all the talk of ease that a dating app allows
5:42
for a potential date, the impression I'm left with is everyone is swimming in
5:46
a pool. They all took a dump end he's not done. Instead of
5:56
shocking the water and getting out, everyone decided they needed to keep swimming in
6:01
the sewage, perhaps even adding to it, because that pool is where people
6:08
swim. In other words, what option do we have. It's a mess,
6:13
it's horrible, but hey, if you're gonna date, these are your
6:15
only options. This is your only approach. Shawnee says this. She said,
6:19
I saw a meme once that read. It used to be how long
6:24
do we date before we have sex? Now it's how long do we have
6:27
sex before we date before? This is actually a relationship. Aiden writes this,
6:33
We don't communicate our feelings to one another, but instead play this guessing
6:38
game with no intention of being with that person because it means you care and
6:43
you're weak. Because because whoever cares the least wins right when more Rebecca writes
6:53
this, She says, I'm definitely as much to blame as any of my
6:57
men, any of the men I meet. I'm often unwilling to make space
7:00
in my life a relationship needs in order to thrive. Maybe this will all
7:04
change when I meet the right man, the right person. Now today I'm
7:13
gonna lean a little hard. And I had a lot of people look at
7:15
my outline, and honestly, everybody that looked at it went, eh,
7:19
you better take that out, Ah, you better take that out. So
7:23
you got shorter and shorter and shorter and shorter. And I understand that because
7:27
because, as I said up front, this is the issue that breaks my
7:30
heart, and so I tend to get a little bit amped up about it,
7:31
and I don't want to over communicate, but I don't want to undercommunicate,
7:35
because this is a big, big deal. And here here's the challenge.
7:39
From my perspective. When you take something that's designed for an adult,
7:45
When you take anything that's designed for a grown up and you hand it to
7:48
a child, it appears to that child to be complicated. When you take
7:56
something that's designed for an adult and you hand it to a from the child's
8:01
perspective, it appears to be complicated. And as long as you, and
8:05
as long as we, and as long as culture approaches romance and sexual attraction
8:11
and relationships like a child, it will be complicated. But it's not actually
8:18
complicated because children are naturally I mean, what are children? Naturally? We
8:22
were all one, We've raised them. Children are naturally impatient, self seeking,
8:28
self centered, selfish, easily angered, easily distracted, ill mannered,
8:33
rude. They want to be held until they don't. I want to get
8:41
down now and go over there and do that. Right, they pout in
8:46
order to get their way. So that here's my advice. We just need
8:52
to grow up and quit acting like children in our dating culture. And it's
8:58
easy for me to say because I'm married, but I look at what happens
9:01
in our culture, what was happening in our culture, and we hear the
9:03
aftermath and we hear the stories, and I just want to say, I
9:05
just want to grab the culture by the shoulders and say, hey, you
9:09
know how to do this. Just grow up. Let's put the ways like
9:13
we've already done in so many arenas of our life. Let's put the ways
9:16
of childhood behind us. Because if you don't, it makes one of the
9:22
most fascinating, powerful, extraordinary things in the world too complicated. It makes
9:26
it all unnecessarily complicated. And I would say to people in our culture,
9:31
and it makes you, as an individual unnecessarily susceptible, susceptible to the right
9:39
person. Myth the version of the right person myth is says it doesn't matter
9:43
how I treat the wrong persons because when I meet the right person, I
9:46
will become a better person. Then it doesn't really matter how I treat her,
9:50
because I'm not going to marry her. It doesn't matter how I treat
9:52
him. I'm not going to marry him, so that doesn't matter what I
9:54
do in this particular season of my life because I don't plan on getting married
9:58
in this particular season of my life. It does it really matter what I
10:00
do in graduate school because I'm gonna get my career going, and then after
10:03
my career, I'm gonna settle down. So it doesn't matter how I treat
10:05
these guys. It doesn't matter how I treat these women. It doesn't matter.
10:09
I'm on my way going somewhere, and when I meet the right person,
10:11
I'm gonna settle down. But between now and then, it doesn't matter,
10:15
because I'll become a better when I meet the right person, I'll become
10:18
a better person. You won't. It doesn't work that way, and you
10:24
will have missed the season of your life that you have to prepare for that
10:30
day. And if you miss it, you miss it and it's gone.
10:31
You'll just be on your better behave You'll be on better behavior for a while.
10:35
And this whole thing leaves you again. It just leaves you unprepared.
10:39
It leaves you unprepared because you will not have taken the opportunity to exercise your
10:45
relationship muscles. You have to exercise them. Now, some of you were
10:48
forced to exercise your relationship muscles growing up, growing up, because you grew
10:52
up in a home where your parents forced you to exercise your relationship muscles.
10:56
And if so, you're ahead of most people. I hope you take it
11:00
advantage of that preparation. But some of you weren't, or some of you
11:03
were, but you just walked away from it and said, that's just so
11:05
old fashioned. My parents, you know, they live in a small town.
11:07
They don't really know what's going on. I don't think that really works
11:09
in the real world. But the truth is to prepare for the future,
11:16
to be prepared for the future, you have to prepare. And here's the
11:18
thing. Dating dating, actual dating is exercise. Dating is preparation. Actual
11:30
dating actually requires something of us. Dating is risky. Dating the right way
11:37
is healthy because it is preparation. Dating. Come on, let's face it.
11:41
It surfaces our greatest fears. Sometimes it certainly surfaces our greatest insecurities and
11:46
some of our greatest anxieties. So it's no wonder that people want to avoid
11:50
actual dating and look for a substitute or a workaround. A substitute or a
11:54
workaround that won't force you to exercise your relationship muscles, your courage muscle,
12:01
your self control muscle. Do you know where you learn self control? You
12:05
learn self control when you have to use self control. When you don't have
12:11
to have self control anymore, you don't exercise your self control muscle. Now
12:15
is the time that you exercise your self control muscle for the future. Did
12:18
you know that you exercise your courage muscle, your self control muscle, your
12:22
honor muscle you gotta have. You got to use that thing right and your
12:24
plan and prepare. All of these are necessary for an actual relationship. Now,
12:33
as we've seen so far in our time together, when it comes to
12:37
relationships, the New Testament is extraordinarily helpful. It's immenseally helpful. And it
12:43
comes to relationships, the New Testament is great because in the New Testament we
12:46
find this overarching command that Jesus gives us. In the New Testament we find
12:50
all of these applications of Jesus overarching love as I've loved you command. But
12:54
when it comes to dating, not so much. Okay, there is no
12:58
dating. The New Testament or the Old Testament, because back then married people
13:03
were committed to each other or promise to each other by their parents, and
13:07
so there was no dating culture, there was no adolescent culture, there was
13:09
no singles culture. Back in all ancient times, women guarded their virginity like
13:13
they were guarding their life, because they were, in most instances, having
13:18
to it to guard their life and to guarantee themselves a future of any kind.
13:22
It was an honor shame culture. Dignity was not determined by the fact
13:26
that you were a human being. Dignity was determined by who you were related
13:31
to, what nation you had citizenship in, and how much money you are
13:35
your family had. And then Jesus came along. This is why everybody should
13:39
be a Jesus follower. Everybody should be a Jesus follower, because Jesus came
13:43
along and introduced for the first time in a holistic way, dignity for the
13:48
entire world and everyone who's ever born. It's through g In fact, Jesus
13:52
is the one that argued for or paved the way for human rights that you
13:54
know that for women's rights, for children's rights, for minority rights. With
14:00
all of that having been said and done, and with all the instructions we
14:03
find in the New Testament, he didn't. And no one in the New
14:05
Testament said anything about dating. So from this point on in the message,
14:09
this is not thus saith the Lord. It's just thus saith me. Okay,
14:16
So these are my opinions. These are my insights, but they're not
14:20
insights from a vacuum. They're insights from years and years and years of talking
14:24
to people who've done it right, done it wrong, who's navigated it successfully,
14:28
thirty one years of marriage and thirty one years of talking to people who've
14:31
been married and done it the right way and the wrong way. So I
14:33
believe what I'm about to tell you is extremely, extremely important. But I
14:37
just want you to know no scientific research has been done. This is pretty
14:41
much my opinion. Got that, so I don't expect anyone to take any
14:46
notes. Now I gotta lay the groundwork. And again I said I was
14:50
gonna push a little bit, So I'm gonna start with this. To set
14:52
the stage for these these five rules for dating, I need to say something
14:56
to the ladies. Ladies, it is an embarrassing fact about men, and
15:03
I'll just own this. It is an embarrassing fact about men and male nature,
15:07
that that relationally speaking, if we don't have to relationally speaking, not
15:13
at work, not on the softball field, you know, not on the
15:15
basketball court, but relationally speaking, if we don't have to, we won't.
15:22
If we don't have to ask you out, we won't. It's just
15:26
too scary. Okay, ladies, if you step in, most of us
15:31
will step back. It's embarrassing. It's not an excuse. There's never an
15:35
excuse for bad behavior ever. There's never an excuse for poor leadership and a
15:39
relationship or in the home. There's never an excuse to mistreat anyone ever,
15:43
ever, ever. But this is just a terrible fact of male human nature
15:48
for most males. And I'll tell you a secret about us, ladies,
15:52
And you may not believe this. We know this about ourselves, even though
15:54
perhaps the men in your life have not put words around it. We know
15:58
this about ourselves, and we don't like it about ourselves, and we fight
16:02
it and we cover it with all kind of weird words and ego and macho
16:07
and strange things. I mean, you got your husband's forty years old,
16:10
he's still on a softball team. You're trying to figure this out. It's
16:12
like he comes home his legs all bloody and he's talking about it, and
16:15
you're thinking to yourself, this doesn't even matter. I mean, you're so
16:19
mad about something that doesn't matter. What's up? So there, we're different.
16:23
Okay, we're just different. You find that funny. You might have
16:27
found that a little too funny. Oh he plays softball? Yeah, no
16:32
other things. Okay, all right, we'll keep going. Sorry, it's
16:33
just you get for sitting on the front row. But I'm glad you're here.
16:37
So guys, let me just say this. If I'm not talking about
16:40
you, if you're like man, Andy, you're maybe you, but not
16:41
me. Good. I'm so proud of you. If you are winning over
16:45
this thing, and you congratulations. If you're a dad, you have to
16:49
win in this area because you've got to model this for your little girls,
16:52
and you gotta model this for your little boys, right, and that means
16:56
you have to step up and make decisions and not step away when somebody's step
17:00
and not just for go that whole you know, engaging relationally. When Sandra
17:03
and I were engaged, we went to a class for primarial couples and a
17:07
couple taught it and they were amazing. And the guy that the gentleman,
17:11
his name was Rick. And Rick would say, men, if your wife
17:15
says to you, do you want peas or carrots for dinner? You say
17:18
peace, peas, don't say I don't know, I don't care you side,
17:22
I don't know where he says, no, you say peace. So
17:26
through the year. In fact, he had us all say it peace so
17:27
through the Sanders here to tell you, so through the years. You know,
17:30
I send me. She's like, Andy, do you want it?
17:33
And I start into my passive. I don't care. I don't know that
17:36
work. You know, I want to be but Hume, I don't know.
17:37
And then I catch myself and I say peace, Peace, Peace,
17:42
And it's my way of saying, okay, give me a second, I'm
17:45
gonna decide I'm not I'm not doing that thing peas and we just kind of
17:48
laugh. All right, so got it? He questions, so far we're
17:52
all together? Okay, So that's kind of the groundwork. There's this dynamic
17:56
that just goes on that women you've seen and wondered what's wrong with them?
18:00
And us we fight it and sometimes we cover it well and we don't love
18:03
that about ourselves, but it's just in most of us. So with that
18:06
is the ground, it's sort of that, you know, lay of the
18:07
groundwork. Here are five rules for dating ready Number one, guys ask girls
18:14
on dates. The guys are like, why are they clapping? Use the
18:29
word date? I would like to take you on a date too, No
18:34
more? Hey you want to hang out? Hey you want to do something
18:42
sometime? Ladies, aren't you sick of that? It's like, yes,
18:49
make a decision, come on, because men again, and we don't do
18:52
this on purpose. Here's the thing. Clarity is honoring, clarity respect.
19:02
Ask a girl, ask a woman to do something specific on a specific day
19:07
at a specific time, to which when I hear that, if I'm sitting
19:11
where you are and I hear that, here's what I think is a guy.
19:14
But that means like I have to plan exactly. You need to exercise
19:18
your planning muscle. It's a muscle and you're gonna need it, right,
19:22
So guys ask girls on date. So I'm gonna give you an example.
19:27
And if you're in ladies for you're thinking, really you have to give an
19:30
example, yes, because we're just we're not that good at it. And
19:33
guys, I'm gonna give you an example that doesn't even use the word date.
19:37
But you should not be afraid of the word date. It's it's a
19:38
good word. So here's what it looks like. I have tickets planned to
19:44
the Atlanta United match, something I'm interested in next Wednesday. Specific if you're
19:48
available, because I'm gonna give you an out, I would enjoy taking you.
19:52
How's that? Let me go over again? I thought ahead. Okay,
19:59
now, guys, let me tell you why this is a big deal.
20:00
Because it has taken you weeks, maybe months, to get up enough
20:06
courage to ask. You know, you're landing. Your glide pattern is long
20:12
and slow. You've taken all this time, You got your friends praying,
20:15
you know, and everybody you're ready, and then you make And now she
20:19
has how much time have you given her? Zero time? So when you
20:23
are prepared and you are specific, it honors her by giving her an option
20:30
to decide. So be clear, work that courage muscle, work that clarity
20:33
muscle. Honor her with options. That way she can stall, she can
20:37
check her calendar. She has now the space and time that you've already had.
20:42
This is how you honor a woman. By asking her to do something
20:45
specific. It's a big deal. You've had time to think and worry.
20:48
Now she has time to think and worry and call her friends and they're all
20:52
gonna pray. Right, got it. That's rule number one. Very these
20:57
are deep. I'm gonna go oh ready. Rule number two. Ladies agree
21:03
to dates, don't agree to hang out sometime. Don't agree to me?
21:11
Yeah, no, agree to dates. Here's the why. Because the bar
21:15
is set on the first encounter, not that bar of the bar. The
21:21
bar is set on the first encounter. Okay, and you're worth it.
21:26
You're worth it. In other words, if you don't, if you don't,
21:29
if the bar is set high, it's just it's not gonna get any
21:32
higher. And it's not our fall. It's just kind of our nature that
21:33
at whatever level you'll receive us, we just kind of stay there. Takes
21:37
a long time for us to improve, a long time. So you want
21:41
to make sure the bar is high. Right. If he asks you to
21:44
hang out, if you just say you want to hang outside. You asked
21:45
this question, you say, well, do you have something specific in mine?
21:51
He won't, and if you say yes, he never will. It's
22:02
just the way where most of us, many of us are wired, and
22:04
ladies don't do this. Don't say well, would you like to go to
22:07
coffee sometime? Because then he'll say when, and now you're asking him out.
22:11
Okay, So okay, And guys, if a woman pushes back and
22:15
asks for specifics, listen, guys, come on, she's not being a
22:18
okay. Look, come here, she's complimenting you. She's saying, you
22:26
know what, I think you have the capacity to date. I think you
22:30
have the capacity to plan. I think you have the capacity to show honor.
22:36
So, ladies, rule number two, don't bend and blend and pretend
22:42
because you'll lose yourself in the end and you may miss him. But Kelsey
22:51
was right, you'll miss you more. So be who you are and allow
22:59
us and give us the opportunity to rise to the occasion. We have the
23:02
capacity, we're just not accustomed to being expected to rise to the occasion and
23:07
rise to our ultimate capacity. Now guessing, because a lot of people look
23:11
at this outline, Andy, it sounds like you're putting all the pressure on
23:15
the women. No, that's the women. Feel like I'm putting all the
23:17
pressure on the women. You have no idea what men feel right now,
23:21
it's like we feel I've just deflated them. If you just all put them,
23:23
they all lost. They all lost, are sitting on the bench.
23:26
They didn't even get in the game. Okay, So, ladies, I'm
23:27
not My intention today is not to put all the pressure on you. The
23:30
pressure is not on you. Okay, Guys, feel like I'm making it
23:33
more difficult for them. Ladies, here's the thing. And I don't want
23:37
to push too far on this because again, but this is so important to
23:40
me. I just want you to respect your self and to never ever ever
23:48
get accustomed to someone disrespecting you. We've all seen where that goes. We've
23:56
all seen where that goes. We all see where that leads, and I
24:00
just don't want you to do that. And at the very outset of a
24:02
relationship, you have some influence as to how high the bar is set in
24:06
terms of where this relationship is going. And Guys, I'm just challenging you
24:10
to say no. And it's in me too to say no to your childish
24:14
ways to grow up. We'll number three. I shouldn't even have to put
24:18
this up here. Don't ever mistreat anyone, even if they don't seem to
24:26
mind being mistreated because you're not taking your cue from them. Are their previous
24:33
girlfriend, are their previous boyfriend, or their previous relationship. If you are
24:37
listen, if you're a Jesus follower, I should even have to tell you
24:38
this, because if you're a Jesus follower, you are taking your cue from
24:41
how God through Christ has treated you, and he does not mistreat you.
24:47
And so you have no right and you have no flexibility. There's no margin
24:49
to ever mistreat anyone. And to be specific, as we think about the
24:55
dating culture and what happens in the dating culture in twenty first century, here's
24:57
the thing. Don't lie. Don't lie. This is one of the basics.
25:03
Okay, thou shalt not lie. This isn't rocket science. Don't lie
25:08
unless unless you're a liar. Then you can't help it. But are you
25:15
a liar? You're not a liar, are you. No, you're not
25:18
a liar. So don't lie, and don't mislead. Don't mislead. You
25:25
know who misleads. Cowards mislead, and you're not a coward. So don't
25:29
lie and don't mislead. The truth is this the truth, and this is
25:34
hard for us okay, because it's so uncomfortable. But I'm telling you the
25:37
uncomfortability of this dynamic. You are exercising a relationship muscle. That's what makes
25:44
it uncomfortable. When you wear out a muscle, it's uncomfortable. You're gonna
25:48
wear out the truth muscle. You're gonna wear out the transparency muscle. You're
25:51
gonna wear out the courage muscle. It's all preparation. It is okay.
25:55
The truth hurts. I should say truth hurts less than betrayal, hurtful truth.
26:00
You know, telling somebody the truth it's actually honoring. Trying to save
26:04
someone's feelings is actually demeaning because it says to them, I don't think you
26:10
can handle the truth. I don't think you can handle someone being honest with
26:12
you. Hey, that's none of your business. You honor them by telling
26:17
them the truth. It communicates that I believe you can actually handle this,
26:21
right, It's okay. This is tricky. I don't want to be clear.
26:23
It is okay to hurt someone's feelings. It is not okay. Again,
26:30
this is under the canopy of don't mistreat anybde. It is not okay
26:33
to avoid hurting someone's feelings. To protect yourself from the discomfort of telling someone
26:40
the truth it's uncomfortable. That's a muscle, that's exercise. That is preparation
26:48
for a long term relationship where you have to have difficult conversations, but you
26:52
stay in the relationship. You have difficult, difficult conversations, but you've grown
26:57
up enough and you've matured enough to be able to handle coming your way and
27:00
going the other way as well, because uncomfortable conversations require courage. To be
27:08
courageous. So don't ever mistreat anyone, even if they don't seem to mind
27:15
being mistreated. Number four, and don't allow yourself to be mistreated. You
27:25
are too good for that. Oh so, I guess you're too good for
27:27
that. I am too good for that. Yes, that's not arrogant.
27:33
That is agreeing with what your heavenly father says about you. And he knows
27:38
he says. You're fine because you're mind. And don't allow anyone to treat
27:45
you less than fine because you belong to the creator of the universe. Yes,
27:51
you are too good for that. Don't allow yourself to be mistreated.
27:57
A couple weeks ago after the I Guess, the second installment of the series,
28:02
a woman came up and she said, Andy, I heard what you
28:04
said about not staying in a relationship where you're mistreated or where you're disrespected,
28:08
and I'm in one of those relationships. But Andy, I love him.
28:12
What do I What do you do when you love him? I said,
28:17
you get out of the relationship, because if you stay in it for too
28:21
long, that will become the new normal for you, and your heavenly father
28:25
doesn't want that to be the new normal for you. You are better than
28:32
that. Don't put up with it. Just don't put up with it.
28:36
You're not helping anything. You're hurting the other person, You're hurting yourself,
28:40
potentially hurting your children or future children. Just don't allow yourself to be mistreated.
28:45
I know it is so easy for me to stand up here and say
28:48
that, but it's absolutely true. And how do you know if it's mistreatment.
28:52
It's very simple. If you saw someone treat your daughter or your son,
28:59
if you saw someone and treat your younger brother or your younger sister,
29:02
if you saw someone treat your niece or your nephew, or your single mom
29:07
the way that that person is treating you, and it would upset you if
29:11
they somebody treated those people that you love the way this person is treating you,
29:15
then if you would be upset if they somebody treated someone you love that
29:18
way, then you should be upset if somebody treats you that way. If
29:22
you would be upset if somebody mistreated your daughter and the person and they did
29:26
to your daughter and treated your daughter the way the person you're in a relationship
29:27
with is treating you, If that would upset you about another person, it
29:30
should upset you when it's you. It's not different. It feels different,
29:34
it looks different, you think, well, but it's the same. You
29:37
know what this looks like. So please, whatever side of the relationship,
29:44
just don't allow yourself to be consistently mistreated. That will become your new normal.
29:48
And it's not normal. And you're a heavenly father and the people who
29:52
know you and love you don't want that to become normal for you. And
29:56
then number five, last one. We talked about this the first week.
30:00
Don't do anything that makes you a liar for life. See, here's the
30:04
thing. Every relationship you're in, every date you go on, every you
30:11
know, romantic encounter, you're a part of all of those events. Become
30:15
part of your story. Every single one of those events becomes a permanent part
30:19
of the story of your life. And we don't think in terms of writing
30:23
a story. We just think in terms of on Friday and the next month
30:26
and the last summer. We think in terms of events. But every single
30:30
event, every encounter, every decision, every you know, every relationship,
30:33
becomes a permanent part of the story of your life. And I want you
30:37
to write a story that you're proud to tell. I want you when you
30:41
think back on the current relationship or previous relationship or a future relationship, when
30:45
it's in the rear view mirror, when it's a permanent part of your story.
30:48
Don't you want to write a story that you're proud to tell. Don't
30:52
you want to write a story that if you're ever asked, you'd be proud,
30:53
proud to tell the whole story. And here's the thing. You will
30:56
be asked, you will be at And if you're not careful, you will
31:02
become a liar for life, because there will be seasons in chapters and relationships
31:06
that you don't want anyone to know about and that you kind of skim over.
31:08
And there writs really nobody else's business, but you carry it with you
31:11
as a permanent part of your story. And there's nothing you can do about
31:15
your past. But from this moment on, and from this moment forward,
31:18
you have an opportunity to write a different dating script, a different moral script,
31:25
a different relationship script, and a good story. Is For years I
31:29
wandered around and kind of gave into cultural expectations. But then there was a
31:33
specific date when I made a specific decision, and since that time, I
31:37
have written a newer, better story. Don't do anything else that makes you
31:45
a potential liar for life. You're writing the story of your life. You
31:52
have an opportunity from this moment forward, right, a really good one.
31:59
Now, if everything I've said so far seems like okay, Andy, the
32:02
rumors are true. You live in a closet. They bring you out on
32:07
Sunday and wind you up, and you and you know, and then the
32:12
battery runs out and they put you back in the closet because you have no
32:15
earthly idea what's going on in culture. Here's my suggestion. This afternoon,
32:22
when you go home, or tonight, when you go home, or whenever
32:24
you get home, I want you to get an empty cardboard box. Now,
32:28
if you don't have one, just wait a couple days, because a
32:34
box is going to show up on your front porch or in your garage.
32:37
You don't know what it'll be because you can't remember what you order. But
32:38
anyway, after you get it all out, you'll have an empty cardboard box.
32:43
And I'm serious about this, And I want you to find some time
32:45
when you can be alone, and I want you to stay in that an
32:47
empty box, and I want you to do a little mental exercise. I
32:51
want you to take all the good things. I want you to take all
32:55
the good things that you've accumulated mentally from binge, dating, hookups, lie
33:04
in your way in, lie in your way out, pregnancy tests can't remember
33:08
exactly, guilt, shame, heartbreak, embarrassment, and stories you hope no
33:14
one ever finds out about. I want you to take all the good things
33:19
that have come from this, and I want you to put them in that
33:24
box. And what do you have? You don't have anything, right,
33:34
you added all up in the sum total of all of that is in some
33:37
cases just a past that you're gonna lie about, or a past that,
33:43
yeah, are things you hope no one finds out about, or a past
33:49
that is not going to serve you well in the future, a past that
33:52
not only doesn't prepare you for the future, it becomes a drag to the
33:57
future. A past that we're going to talk about this next week, don't
34:00
miss next week. A past that you're going to be tempted. And this
34:04
breaks my heart, that you're going to be tempted to smuggle into your future.
34:08
But it's not going to stay hidden forever, because those kinds of things
34:12
never do. A past that you wouldn't wish on your sons or daughters or
34:17
nieces or nephews. And when you look at all the stuff in that box,
34:22
would you want that for the people that you love? And if not,
34:30
grow up, let's grow up. And would you be willing to put
34:36
your childish, selfish, short sighted ways behind you. My advice is that
34:43
you just don't put anything else in that box, and you get a new
34:49
box and you start over. And here's what you'll discover that following Jesus in
35:00
the realm of romance, and following Jesus and the arena of personal relationships,
35:06
that following Jesus in that area will almost instantaneously make your life better and make
35:12
you better at life because following Jesus in this area of your life will prepare
35:21
you and protect you. It will prepare you because he loves you, and
35:29
it will protect you because he loves you. So, if you don't want
35:37
our relationship like the majority of relationships, don't date like the majority of daters.
35:44
In fact, you may need to take a break from the entire scene
35:52
and we will pick the discussion up right there next time. In Part five
35:55
of Love, Dates and Heartbreaks,