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Transcript

Single & Set Apart: God Didn’t Create Us to Carry It Alone · For Such a Time as This

0:04
SPEAKER_02: Welcome back to another episode of Convention Times that is a podcast about calling, timing, and trusting God in the season that you're actually in, not just the one you hope to be in.
0:14
SPEAKER_02: My name's Bethany and I'm your host.
0:16
SPEAKER_02: This season is our second season.
0:18
SPEAKER_02: It's called Single and Stead Apart.
0:20
SPEAKER_02: So I'm talking to um Christian singles or people that were single kind of later in life but aren't single anymore.
0:28
SPEAKER_02: Um and I'm super excited for what you guys might learn in this season.
0:32
SPEAKER_02: Um so let's just sit back, relax, and see what God might have for you in this episode.
0:38
SPEAKER_02: Hey guys, welcome back to another episode.
0:40
SPEAKER_02: This is my friend Ernest.
0:42
SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much for coming.
0:43
SPEAKER_02: I'm so excited to have you here today.
0:45
SPEAKER_00: Excited to be here.
0:46
SPEAKER_00: I really am.
0:47
SPEAKER_02: Yay! Well, let's just jump kind of like right in.
0:50
SPEAKER_02: So we're in our singleness um season.
0:53
SPEAKER_02: So tell me like just about your singleness journey.
0:56
SPEAKER_02: Like what's your relationship with singleness?
0:59
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
1:00
SPEAKER_01: So I was actually married for a while.
1:02
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
1:02
SPEAKER_01: I was married for 23 years.
1:05
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
1:06
SPEAKER_01: And that marriage ended, we got Separate 2017.
1:11
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:11
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
1:12
SPEAKER_01: Um, and singleness began immediately.
1:16
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
1:16
SPEAKER_01: Of course.
1:17
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
1:17
SPEAKER_01: Um, I'll be transparent.
1:20
SPEAKER_01: I had no idea what I was doing.
1:22
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
1:23
SPEAKER_01: Because I hadn't been single for so long.
1:26
SPEAKER_01: Three years.
1:26
SPEAKER_01: So I was floundering horribly.
1:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:31
SPEAKER_02: How old were you guys when you got married?
1:34
SPEAKER_01: I was 24.
1:35
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
1:35
SPEAKER_01: I was 24.
1:36
SPEAKER_01: I was in the military.
1:37
SPEAKER_01: You know, she was in college, upstate New York, you know, we met each other on bays through some mutual friends that I'm still friends with to this day.
1:46
SPEAKER_01: And um we dated, got married, you know, was married for a while without kids.
1:54
SPEAKER_01: And then right around the seventh year of marriage, we had my son.
2:02
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
2:02
SPEAKER_01: And then we went through some complications after that.
2:05
SPEAKER_01: And we didn't, we weren't able to bring a boy a child to this earth after that until seven years later, had my daughter, our miracle child.
2:15
SPEAKER_01: Um, so we had those two, and then there was just all kinds of complications with the marriage, and ended up separated and getting a divorce later.
2:26
SPEAKER_01: Um, I handled it pretty much like most typical men.
2:29
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
2:30
SPEAKER_01: Isolation.
2:31
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
2:32
SPEAKER_01: Complete isolation.
2:33
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
2:34
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because I was embarrassed because I had a failed marriage, and I thought I knew everybody was going to blame me, and everybody would hate me, and all this stuff, even though that, you know, the cause of our marriage failing wasn't, you know, because of infidelity or anything like that, or adultery or anything.
2:52
SPEAKER_01: You know, it was a combination of other things.
2:55
SPEAKER_01: But men typically get blamed for everything.
2:58
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, I was afraid of that and the shame and then the pride and the ego behind it.
3:03
SPEAKER_01: So I just went in isolation horribly.
3:07
SPEAKER_01: Um, and I went seeking comfort in new relationships.
3:12
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
3:12
SPEAKER_01: Okay, because you know I'd been with somebody for 23 years.
3:15
SPEAKER_02: So you don't even know how to be alone, really.
3:17
SPEAKER_01: I did not know how to be alone.
3:19
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
3:19
SPEAKER_01: At all.
3:20
SPEAKER_01: You know, it was a real struggle.
3:21
SPEAKER_01: I mean a real struggle.
3:23
SPEAKER_01: But um, I you couldn't tell me this at the time.
3:25
SPEAKER_01: I wasn't ready to be in a relationship.
3:27
SPEAKER_04: Right.
3:28
SPEAKER_01: I really wasn't, but you couldn't tell me that at the time.
3:29
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
3:30
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna be honest with you, you couldn't.
3:32
SPEAKER_01: So I jumped right into a relationship.
3:34
SPEAKER_01: And um, although they say I was the best thing for them, I don't think I was because I was a hot mess.
3:44
SPEAKER_01: I was, I really was.
3:46
SPEAKER_01: You know, in hindsight, I really was a hot mess because I had self-confidence issues, right?
3:52
SPEAKER_01: I had identity issues.
3:53
SPEAKER_01: I really didn't know who I was anymore after the marriage ended.
3:57
SPEAKER_01: You know, um, I had damage from that relationship, but I also had damage from my childhood that I didn't realize was really carrying forward the way that it did.
4:08
SPEAKER_01: So there was a lot of things I just did not know about myself and understand.
4:12
SPEAKER_01: So I I couldn't, I wasn't good for anyone at that time.
4:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, to tell you the truth.
4:17
SPEAKER_01: But you could tell me that then, you know, shrew I'm good.
4:19
SPEAKER_01: I'm the man, you know.
4:21
SPEAKER_01: Nah, hot mess, hot mess, hot mess.
4:24
SPEAKER_01: So my singless journey started rough.
4:28
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
4:29
SPEAKER_01: You know, the whole isolation piece, you know, loss of identity, not knowing myself.
4:34
SPEAKER_01: And there were some events that I feel God took me through to expose me to me.
4:41
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
4:42
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
4:43
SPEAKER_01: Um, I went through co-parenting.
4:47
SPEAKER_01: Co-parenting and dating is a struggle.
4:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
4:51
SPEAKER_01: It was a struggle.
4:52
SPEAKER_01: It really was a struggle.
4:53
SPEAKER_01: Um, and that helped me to understand some of the things that I needed to fix in me through that whole co-parenting situation, right?
5:05
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
5:06
SPEAKER_01: Um, I'm dating and I'm trying to balance protecting the kids.
5:13
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
5:14
SPEAKER_01: Because they went through their own struggles through the divorce.
5:17
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
5:17
SPEAKER_01: But then you got these new people being introduced to their lives.
5:20
SPEAKER_01: So I'm trying to protect them and shield them.
5:23
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
5:23
SPEAKER_01: But trying to pay attention to the time and effort that I'm giving to who I'm dating, but then also trying to do things for myself and heal myself.
5:32
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, a lot of balance.
5:34
SPEAKER_01: It was a lot of balancing that I wasn't accustomed to.
5:36
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
5:36
SPEAKER_01: You know, so there were times I was just too much with the kids or not enough with the kids, or too much over here, or I'm leaving myself out and I'm taking to take care of everybody else.
5:46
SPEAKER_01: It was a, it was, I was a mess.
5:50
SPEAKER_01: A mess.
5:51
SPEAKER_01: You know, but it exposed to me that there were things that needed to be fixed in myself.
5:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
5:57
SPEAKER_01: You know, because I took a lot of, I took a lot of complaints, a lot of criticism, you know, and it hurt at the time.
6:05
SPEAKER_01: But in hindsight, it was things I needed to hear because it made me realize that, dude, you need to really fix you first.
6:14
SPEAKER_01: How about you just deal with you?
6:16
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
6:16
SPEAKER_01: And put everything else to the side.
6:18
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
6:19
SPEAKER_01: But I wasn't ready to do that because I thought I was pretty good.
6:22
SPEAKER_01: I was pretty good.
6:23
SPEAKER_01: I went through some things on the job with some Me Too movement things, and that hurt my feelings so bad because I'm like, how can anybody look at me like that?
6:31
SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm a I'm a good dude.
6:33
SPEAKER_01: I'm a nice dude.
6:34
SPEAKER_01: So why would anybody treat me like that?
6:36
SPEAKER_01: It went through some issues with parents and their health and then running down.
6:40
SPEAKER_01: I'm from North Carolina, so running down North Carolina trying to take care of parents and balancing a new job and you know, attacks on the job and trying to date, that it finally came to a culmination where I needed help.
6:52
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
6:52
SPEAKER_01: Like I really need I needed some real help because mentally and psychologically I was just struggling.
6:58
SPEAKER_01: And I felt like the world was just crashing in on me.
7:01
SPEAKER_01: So I went and got some counseling.
7:03
SPEAKER_02: Good.
7:04
SPEAKER_02: Right.
7:04
SPEAKER_01: So something that, you know, being from the South, you don't go dip.
7:07
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
7:08
SPEAKER_01: You know, it's rather it's rather taboo because you keep your business at home.
7:11
SPEAKER_01: Right.
7:11
SPEAKER_01: This is how we were raised.
7:12
SPEAKER_01: You know what happens in the house is in the house.
7:15
SPEAKER_01: So I've broke down and I'm like, okay, you know what?
7:19
SPEAKER_01: I need some help.
7:20
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
7:20
SPEAKER_01: I had a really I've always been a believer and I was strongly into the church.
7:27
SPEAKER_01: But when my separation and divorce happened, I kind of fell away out of embarrassment and then a shame.
7:32
SPEAKER_01: And then I felt like God did not want to have anything to do with me because I got divorced.
7:37
SPEAKER_01: So I'm like, yeah, he don't love me right now.
7:39
SPEAKER_01: He don't love me.
7:41
SPEAKER_01: Because, you know, I broke all his laws.
7:43
SPEAKER_01: I broke them all.
7:44
SPEAKER_01: You know, so you know, it was I just by myself.
7:48
SPEAKER_01: So I went to counseling.
7:49
SPEAKER_01: I went to counseling and it really did help.
7:51
SPEAKER_01: Good.
7:52
SPEAKER_01: And it re it exposed that there was things from my childhood I need to fix first.
7:58
SPEAKER_01: You know, that affected my identity.
8:00
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
8:00
SPEAKER_01: Who I thought I was versus who I really am.
8:04
SPEAKER_01: Um and it made me see that because of what I went through in my childhood with my mom, and then what I went through in relationships with women, because of that, that there was things I needed to change in myself and understand who I really was.
8:22
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
8:23
SPEAKER_01: You know, I grew up Southern, you know, North Carolina.
8:28
SPEAKER_01: My father's a strong man, grandfathers were strong men.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: So I watched them and I figured, you know, I have to be the strong dude that was quiet, that didn't, you know, whine and cry about everything.
8:41
SPEAKER_01: You don't tell everybody your weaknesses, you don't talk about any of your failures, you know, you fix your problems, you come up with a solution, you fix your problems, you keep moving, you know, you just shoulder the world, the world on your shoulders and you just keep pressing forward, right?
8:56
SPEAKER_01: Huh.
8:57
SPEAKER_01: Everyone's not made the same.
8:59
SPEAKER_01: And you couldn't tell me that at that time.
9:02
SPEAKER_01: You know, men are men.
9:03
SPEAKER_01: You know, we're going to do the man thing.
9:05
SPEAKER_01: You know, we're going to be strong men and we're going to fix the, we're going to fix the things.
9:10
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
9:11
SPEAKER_01: We're going to fix all the things.
9:13
SPEAKER_01: That's that's that's what I knew.
9:15
SPEAKER_01: And then being in the military didn't help.
9:17
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
9:17
SPEAKER_01: You know, because, you know, it's a military is an ego, uh, it's an egotistical type, you know, field.
9:24
SPEAKER_01: You know, we're men.
9:25
SPEAKER_01: So you got a bunch of men, you know, in a very macho masculine situation.
9:31
SPEAKER_01: So it's like, okay, you definitely can't be a weak dude around all these dudes.
9:35
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
9:36
SPEAKER_01: So that just kind of fed that.
9:38
SPEAKER_01: Gotta be a strong man.
9:39
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
9:40
SPEAKER_01: Gotta handle mine all the time.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
9:43
SPEAKER_01: And going through counseling, it made me realize, dude, that's not who you are.
9:47
SPEAKER_01: That's not how God made you.
9:49
SPEAKER_01: Like you're a really nice dude.
9:50
SPEAKER_01: Oh, okay.
9:50
SPEAKER_01: And you're a really sensitive dude.
9:52
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
9:52
SPEAKER_01: You know, not in an overly sensitive way, but I'm a sensitive guy, you know, and I really care about people.
9:58
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
9:58
SPEAKER_01: And you need to communicate.
10:00
SPEAKER_01: You've been quiet all your life.
10:02
SPEAKER_01: Dude, you need to communicate.
10:03
SPEAKER_01: But I didn't realize that until I started going through counseling.
10:06
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
10:06
SPEAKER_01: And the counselor used to get mad at me because of how I saw myself.
10:09
SPEAKER_01: And one day he just lashed out, like, dude, I'm sick of you just always putting yourself down.
10:15
SPEAKER_01: What are you doing?
10:17
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, damn, you hating me this way.
10:21
SPEAKER_01: He was like, no, it's enough of this week after week.
10:24
SPEAKER_01: And the first thing you want to do is you want to blame yourself, and it's your fault.
10:28
SPEAKER_01: And that, dude, people have done things to you that's wrong.
10:31
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
10:31
SPEAKER_01: Like, accept it.
10:32
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
10:34
SPEAKER_01: Okay?
10:34
SPEAKER_01: It wasn't, oh, everything's not your fault.
10:36
SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, oh, oh, okay.
10:39
SPEAKER_01: All right.
10:40
SPEAKER_01: But it made sense.
10:42
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
10:42
SPEAKER_01: You know, I love how God made me.
10:45
SPEAKER_01: I take responsibility for myself.
10:47
SPEAKER_01: I do.
10:48
SPEAKER_01: And I look for the improvement in myself.
10:50
SPEAKER_01: And I look for how I can make a situation better, which is good, but I had to learn as a balance of that.
10:57
SPEAKER_01: And you know, even God's word, you know, people can wrong you, people can offend you, people can do things to you that's wrong.
11:04
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't mean that you instigated that.
11:07
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
11:07
SPEAKER_01: It doesn't mean that you initiated that.
11:09
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes people just do you wrong in situations.
11:12
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
11:13
SPEAKER_01: You have to accept that.
11:14
SPEAKER_01: And I had to learn how to understand that and not always look and shoulder the blame on myself.
11:19
SPEAKER_01: But that came from childhood, and everything that I did was wrong, and everything that happened was my fault.
11:25
SPEAKER_01: And I was starting to carry that, but then I'd flipped it and I was doing it to myself now.
11:30
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
11:30
SPEAKER_01: So it wasn't the world doing it to me.
11:33
SPEAKER_01: I'm now doing it to myself.
11:34
SPEAKER_01: So that was a lot that I had to just have dug up and dug out and then replaced with something that was more true.
11:41
SPEAKER_01: And that is everything's not my fault.
11:44
SPEAKER_02: Right.
11:44
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
11:45
SPEAKER_02: I'm so glad that you went into counseling that and got that.
11:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that help.
11:50
SPEAKER_02: And then did you get back into the church more after that too?
11:53
SPEAKER_01: So after counseling, I got into a relationship.
11:58
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
11:59
SPEAKER_01: And that relationship made me realize that, you know what, you need to start listening to the Holy Spirit more, buddy.
12:07
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
12:07
SPEAKER_01: Because the Holy Spirit started convicting me about how I was living.
12:10
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
12:11
SPEAKER_01: And that I just was not at my foundation anymore.
12:14
SPEAKER_01: So in that relationship, things would happen and I would excuse it away.
12:18
SPEAKER_00: And the Holy Spirit would be like, no, no, sir.
12:22
SPEAKER_01: That's not just some circumstance.
12:24
SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to tell you you're not where you're supposed to be.
12:27
SPEAKER_01: I'm feeling good.
12:29
SPEAKER_01: I'm doing that things.
12:31
SPEAKER_01: Something else would happen, and you know, I'd excuse it away.
12:35
SPEAKER_01: And the Holy Spirit, like, nope, that's me trying to show you this is not where you're supposed to be in your life right now.
12:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
12:45
SPEAKER_01: You need to be focused somewhere else.
12:48
SPEAKER_01: So COVID hit after counseling, COVID hit.
12:53
SPEAKER_01: Come out of COVID, 2023.
12:55
SPEAKER_01: I was going to I5 before we do it.
12:57
SPEAKER_03: Right.
12:58
SPEAKER_01: And then Union Church came.
13:00
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
13:00
SPEAKER_01: And they joined, you know, well, Destiny Church came, they joined, became union.
13:03
SPEAKER_01: I came back physically to the building because I was watching online.
13:06
SPEAKER_01: I came back physically to the building in 2023.
13:08
SPEAKER_04: Okay.
13:09
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
13:09
SPEAKER_01: So I'm coming.
13:11
SPEAKER_01: But I was coming in and I was one of those people where I could get in and get out.
13:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
13:16
SPEAKER_01: And nobody would know me.
13:18
SPEAKER_01: So nobody knew me before then.
13:20
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
13:20
SPEAKER_01: Because I'm getting in, getting out.
13:21
SPEAKER_03: Right.
13:22
SPEAKER_01: You know, before they say amen to the closing prayer for the benediction of the service, I'm already out the door in the parking lot.
13:30
SPEAKER_01: So, and I'm not speaking to anybody coming through the lobby.
13:33
SPEAKER_01: It was a head down, get out the door, get my car, go home, handle my business.
13:37
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
13:39
SPEAKER_01: One day I got convicted.
13:42
SPEAKER_01: Like, you need to get out of this isolation and you need to really be in community.
13:49
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'm not doing community.
13:51
SPEAKER_01: I was resisting it 100%.
13:53
SPEAKER_01: I was.
13:54
SPEAKER_01: I'm not doing community.
13:55
SPEAKER_01: I'm not doing that.
13:55
SPEAKER_01: Uh-huh.
13:56
SPEAKER_01: I went into church one service and I'm in there and I could just feel the Holy Spirit just all over me.
14:05
SPEAKER_01: So I'm in there, I'm worshiping, praising the word was so good that day.
14:10
SPEAKER_01: So I'm coming out the door, just taking my time, smiling.
14:13
SPEAKER_01: And normally I'm running out the door.
14:15
SPEAKER_01: I'm smiling, and there's a guy in the lobby, lobby connected.
14:19
SPEAKER_01: He was like, hey.
14:20
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
14:20
SPEAKER_02: Hey, dude, come here.
14:21
SPEAKER_02: Gotcha.
14:21
SPEAKER_01: So I came over.
14:22
SPEAKER_01: He was like, man, you just look like you've got some some peace over you.
14:26
SPEAKER_01: It's like it was an amazing service today.
14:28
SPEAKER_01: So we're talking.
14:29
SPEAKER_01: He was like, You part of a group?
14:31
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I don't know anything about no groups.
14:33
SPEAKER_01: I hear pastor talking about it.
14:35
SPEAKER_01: I don't know anything about no groups.
14:36
SPEAKER_01: He was like, Man, let me talk to you about a group.
14:39
SPEAKER_01: So he's explaining the whole group things to me.
14:42
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, look, I've never been a part of a big church church.
14:44
SPEAKER_01: I've always been a part of small churches.
14:46
SPEAKER_01: So I don't understand this whole groups and community thing.
14:50
SPEAKER_01: And he was explaining how you it makes the church more relatable.
14:54
SPEAKER_01: It makes it smaller.
14:56
SPEAKER_01: You know, people get to under, you know, become a part of a community, things of that sort.
15:00
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, well, you know, that's interesting.
15:02
SPEAKER_01: He says, you know, you want to sign up for a group.
15:04
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I wouldn't know what the group to sign up was.
15:06
SPEAKER_01: And he was going, I got one for you, freedom.
15:09
SPEAKER_01: I was like, freedom.
15:10
SPEAKER_01: I'm like, what's that?
15:12
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, he's explaining freedom to me.
15:14
SPEAKER_01: And lo and behold, he was a co-host for freedom.
15:17
SPEAKER_03: Ah, okay.
15:18
SPEAKER_01: So that next month, that same Monday, I go to Freedom.
15:22
SPEAKER_01: They had already started the semester.
15:23
SPEAKER_01: I go to Freedom.
15:24
SPEAKER_01: I signed up, I want to go to Freedom.
15:26
SPEAKER_01: And when I tell you that was the best decision of my life.
15:33
SPEAKER_01: Life-changing.
15:34
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
15:35
SPEAKER_01: As I'm going through that first semester of freedom, the Holy Spirit is exposing things to me and convicting me.
15:42
SPEAKER_01: And everything I was afraid of when it comes to leaving the relationship that I was in was addressed.
15:51
SPEAKER_01: Going through freedom.
15:52
SPEAKER_03: Wow.
15:53
SPEAKER_01: So I was concerned about being hurt and really being lost after the relationship ended.
15:59
SPEAKER_01: And he fixed my heart to make me understand what's for me and what's not for me.
16:04
SPEAKER_01: And what real peace is, and what real satisfaction is, and what real completeness is.
16:46
SPEAKER_01: Like my homies.
16:47
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
16:48
SPEAKER_01: Like it's two years later, and I'm tight with these dudes, go to each other's houses, and you know, we're, you know, they know my kids and I know their families, and we're just closely related and just really truly doing life together.
17:04
SPEAKER_01: So that started changing my whole singleness wall.
17:07
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
17:08
SPEAKER_01: Immediately.
17:09
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
17:10
SPEAKER_03: I don't do that.
17:10
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
17:10
SPEAKER_01: So I got out of that relationship, and at that point, I just settled, just settled down.
17:15
SPEAKER_01: And I started leaning more into my relationship with Christ.
17:18
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
17:18
SPEAKER_01: And wanting to draw closer to Him.
17:21
SPEAKER_01: Um, went to freedom a second semester.
17:23
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
17:24
SPEAKER_01: And it showed me more about myself.
17:26
SPEAKER_01: So now the things that I was struggling with, identity started changing.
17:31
SPEAKER_01: You know, I joined the safety team.
17:33
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, now I'm really a community.
17:35
SPEAKER_01: I done joined the team.
17:37
SPEAKER_01: I'm doing the groups, you know, doing all these things.
17:40
SPEAKER_01: So I'm realizing really who I am since going through the marriage and going through the separation and dating.
17:47
SPEAKER_01: Now I'm starting to see who Ernest Williams really is.
17:50
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
17:50
SPEAKER_01: And what God has really put into me and getting comfortable with it and being comfortable in my own skin.
17:56
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
17:56
SPEAKER_01: So now that changed my whole perception of myself.
18:01
SPEAKER_02: Which is important.
18:02
SPEAKER_01: Which is immensely important in dating.
18:04
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
18:05
SPEAKER_01: Because if you don't know you, how can you get to know somebody else?
18:08
SPEAKER_01: And how can someone else get to know you if you don't know you?
18:11
SPEAKER_03: I don't know.
18:12
SPEAKER_01: That's why I was a hot mess in the beginning.
18:15
SPEAKER_01: Absolute hot mess.
18:16
SPEAKER_02: Fair, fair.
18:17
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
18:18
SPEAKER_02: What do you think?
18:19
SPEAKER_02: What's like the the hardest part of singleness in general?
18:26
SPEAKER_01: To me, it's getting past well, it's a few things in my opinion.
18:32
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
18:32
SPEAKER_01: One is getting past the loneliness.
18:34
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
18:35
SPEAKER_01: Because those lonely moments leave you to your own thoughts and your own mind.
18:40
SPEAKER_01: And if you don't have control over those thoughts, they can really take you to places that you don't need to go.
18:45
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
18:46
SPEAKER_01: And you'll make decisions to be with people that you should have never been introduced to in your life.
18:50
SPEAKER_04: Mm-hmm.
18:51
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
18:52
SPEAKER_01: Um, which could have some ramifications from the actions that you take with those people.
18:56
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
18:57
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
18:57
SPEAKER_01: So that's one thing.
18:59
SPEAKER_01: Another thing is the pressure.
19:02
SPEAKER_01: It's the pressure of comparison to where other people are and to where you think you should be, and then the timing of things.
19:12
SPEAKER_01: Because I'm an older man, you know, I'm you know, I'm I'm I'm in my 50s.
19:17
SPEAKER_01: So most people in their 50s are at that tail end of their careers, and then they've been married for a while, and they've having grandkids and doing the grandkid thing, and they're taking all the trips and doing all the amazing things.
19:32
SPEAKER_01: And I'm starting over when it comes to relationships.
19:35
SPEAKER_01: So then you're listening to people like, you know, you need to hurry up, and you can't be dating a long time, and you got to make a decision real fast.
19:43
SPEAKER_01: And yeah, yeah.
19:44
SPEAKER_01: It's just all of that comparison to other people and where they are and where society says you should be when it comes to timing and things.
19:53
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you you have to get past that because that could that it'll drive you crazy.
19:57
SPEAKER_01: It'll drive you insane.
19:59
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
20:00
SPEAKER_02: Do you think you put you put that on yourself more, or people outside of you put that on you as well?
20:06
SPEAKER_01: I think it's both.
20:07
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
20:07
SPEAKER_01: And and and I say that because I had to listen to that from some of the women that I dated.
20:13
SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm like, I'm not going to be waiting until I'm 60 years old to get married, and I'm, you know, I'm getting old.
20:19
SPEAKER_01: And so then you're listening to that, and it's like, you know, they want you to hurry up and make a decision to get engaged and get married.
20:27
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:27
SPEAKER_01: So you get it from that perspective, but also you get it from the perspective of people around you.
20:33
SPEAKER_01: Like, hey, you know, you're not getting any younger, bro.
20:35
SPEAKER_01: You know, you can't be out here in these streets running around too long.
20:37
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, you're moving towards the end of your life, like, hey, y'all make it seem like I'm gonna be gone tomorrow.
20:43
unknown: Okay.
20:44
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
20:44
SPEAKER_01: And then some of it comes from, you know, internally too.
20:47
SPEAKER_01: So I it's it's it's multiple sources.
20:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
20:50
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
20:51
SPEAKER_02: Hey you guys, it's me again.
20:53
SPEAKER_02: Don't worry, I'll be right back with our guests.
20:55
SPEAKER_02: I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you so much for spending time with us today.
21:00
SPEAKER_02: I hope you're enjoying the episode so far.
21:02
SPEAKER_02: Let's sit and think about what might have been said that can relate to your life today.
21:08
SPEAKER_02: And if you're enjoying it, make sure you like, subscribe, follow, comment, all the things you can find us on YouTube for such a time as this with Bethany Garner, or you can find us on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.
21:23
SPEAKER_02: All right, let's get back to them.
21:26
SPEAKER_02: Do you um how do you balance the how do you balance it when you're in a relationship with like, okay, yes, I am older and I want to like find my person, but also like I want to wait and do it in God's timing as well.
21:40
SPEAKER_01: For me, it came to understand that one, God's time is most important.
21:45
SPEAKER_01: Most important.
21:46
SPEAKER_01: It's is it's it's it's it's really key, right?
21:49
SPEAKER_01: His timing looks different from anything that I want.
21:52
SPEAKER_01: Right.
21:53
SPEAKER_01: What I want may not be what I want.
21:55
unknown: True.
21:56
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
21:57
SPEAKER_01: Because I used to have list.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: I had a list.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: She had to look like this, and she had to be in this these type of professions, and she had to believe in God this way, and she needed to like these things, and she would need to want to do these.
22:11
SPEAKER_01: I had a list.
22:14
SPEAKER_01: I don't have a list like that anymore.
22:16
SPEAKER_01: Because, you know, now I understand that what I wanted isn't really what I needed.
22:21
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
22:23
SPEAKER_01: To tell you the truth.
22:24
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
22:25
SPEAKER_01: And when I really started drawing closer to God in true relationship, I really want what he wants.
22:33
SPEAKER_01: Because actually he knows what's better for me.
22:36
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
22:36
SPEAKER_01: Anyway, because he made me.
22:38
SPEAKER_04: Yep.
22:38
SPEAKER_01: Right?
22:38
SPEAKER_01: So if I want what he wants for me, that's going to work out for my better no matter what.
22:44
SPEAKER_01: So changing the mind, you know, changing my thought perspective about what I want versus what God wants for me helped me to understand that, you know what, maybe I just need to back off this whole time and piece and all this pressure.
23:01
SPEAKER_01: And, you know, yeah, I'm older.
23:04
SPEAKER_01: I don't need to rush into anything because what's for me is going to be for me.
23:10
SPEAKER_01: The word says that.
23:11
SPEAKER_01: And then what he has planned for me is better for me anyway.
23:15
SPEAKER_01: So it just changed my perspective on, you know what?
23:18
SPEAKER_01: I can take my time.
23:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
23:19
SPEAKER_01: It's no rush.
23:20
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
23:20
SPEAKER_01: No rush at all.
23:22
SPEAKER_02: What's um something else that he's taught you in this season?
23:28
SPEAKER_01: Do you really have time for that today?
23:30
SPEAKER_01: I think he's taught me all it's a lot.
23:33
SPEAKER_01: It's a lot.
23:34
SPEAKER_01: Um, one, healthy boundaries.
23:39
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
23:39
SPEAKER_01: I did not have, I didn't understand the concept of boundaries because, you know, men growing up, we just do what we did with, and you know, I didn't have anyone that ever taught me really about setting boundaries.
23:52
SPEAKER_01: But having healthy boundaries for myself that are bound by the word of God will help me to navigate this whole singleness journey, you know, better than anything.
24:04
SPEAKER_01: You know, society is not going to give me the right boundaries.
24:06
SPEAKER_01: It just isn't, you know.
24:08
SPEAKER_01: But his word does.
24:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
24:10
SPEAKER_01: And then because I want to be in right standing because of how much I love him, knowing how much he loves me, and it not being something I'm doing out of just duty, it makes the journey a little easier.
24:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
24:25
SPEAKER_01: You know, because I take pleasure in the fact that, okay, I've learned to set these boundaries.
24:31
SPEAKER_01: And then when I see that I'm maintaining them, I actually get joy because now I'm proud of myself.
24:36
SPEAKER_01: Like, hey, you know, I've learned this lesson and I'm applying it practically, and it makes sense now because I'm doing it the way that I've been instructed and taught to do it.
24:46
SPEAKER_01: So boundaries was something that, you know, I really come to learn.
24:51
SPEAKER_01: Um, and really who I am and being comfortable with that versus what anybody else thinks about it.
24:58
SPEAKER_01: You know, do I want my name to be good?
25:00
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
25:01
SPEAKER_01: Do I want people to think highly of me?
25:03
SPEAKER_01: Absolutely.
25:04
SPEAKER_01: But I need to do that for myself.
25:05
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
25:06
SPEAKER_01: Right?
25:06
SPEAKER_01: And I need to understand what I need.
25:09
SPEAKER_01: I need to understand what makes earnest earnest.
25:13
SPEAKER_01: And then what God has put in me as far as all of the talents, all of the gifts, you know, all those things that make me so unique to God, um, operating in that, me and comfortable with that.
25:25
SPEAKER_01: So, but that in line with those boundaries won't allow me to get hurt.
25:30
SPEAKER_01: So I know I'm a nice guy.
25:32
SPEAKER_01: I'm a nice guy, I'm a caring guy, I'm a giving guy.
25:34
SPEAKER_01: And I've been taking advantage of so much across my lifetime that I had these defensive walls where people wouldn't be able to get to know me.
25:41
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
25:42
SPEAKER_01: So now God has taught me, hey, you can protect your heart because he tells us to guard our heart, right?
25:47
SPEAKER_04: Right.
25:48
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
25:48
SPEAKER_01: But he also guards my heart.
25:50
SPEAKER_01: So if I do these things by his guidelines, by what he teaches out of his word, then I can protect my heart, but I can still let people experience the kindness of me and the caring part of me.
26:04
SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
26:04
SPEAKER_01: You know, without getting hurt because I'm paying attention to the boundaries that I've set.
26:11
SPEAKER_01: You know, and to know that I'm not doing this alone.
26:14
SPEAKER_01: I am doing this one in communion with people.
26:16
SPEAKER_01: I'm also doing this with the Holy Spirit, you know, and by God's word.
26:20
SPEAKER_01: So I'm actually safe.
26:22
SPEAKER_02: Right.
26:23
SPEAKER_01: I don't have to have up these fortified walls that I have to hide behind that people only get to see a smithering of those are two things.
26:32
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
26:33
SPEAKER_02: When it comes to boundaries, what and you so with your kids and boundaries and dating, how does that work?
26:40
SPEAKER_02: Do you like tell people immediately I have kids?
26:43
SPEAKER_02: How like long do you wait to introduce them to people?
26:46
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
26:46
SPEAKER_02: What are boundaries look like in that?
26:48
SPEAKER_01: In the beginning, my boundaries are probably too stiff.
26:51
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
26:51
SPEAKER_01: Because I wouldn't let nobody meet my daughter because she was the youngest.
26:56
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
26:56
SPEAKER_01: Um, I wouldn't let anybody meet her for like ever.
27:00
SPEAKER_01: I'm talking nine months to a year.
27:02
SPEAKER_01: You was going to have to put in some work before you even got to get a whiff of her.
27:06
SPEAKER_01: No.
27:06
SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
27:07
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
27:08
SPEAKER_01: It was, it was just extreme.
27:10
SPEAKER_01: Um, but now I don't say anything about kids immediately, but if I um I'm becoming friends with someone, I see this opportunity for this to go forward, I'll bring up that hey, you know what, I have two kids, you know, these are their ages, and you know, at some point, you know, they're gonna be involved because I'm an active father and they love me, I love them, we do things together.
27:34
SPEAKER_01: So you're going to hear a lot about them, and you're gonna probably hear their voices whenever we're talking on the phone.
27:40
SPEAKER_01: And you know, there are gonna be times where I'm not gonna be accessible because I do do things with them also.
27:45
SPEAKER_01: So I try to bring it and be transparent about the relationship that I have with them.
27:49
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
27:49
SPEAKER_01: So which I think is good.
27:50
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
27:51
SPEAKER_01: You know, but I don't necessarily, you know, my kids are older now, you know, she's in college, you know, he's uh he's he's an adult.
27:57
SPEAKER_01: So it's really her, you know, she's in college, but I still let people know hey, I have a daughter, she's in college.
28:03
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
28:03
SPEAKER_01: And we're still close.
28:05
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
28:05
SPEAKER_01: We you know, we're a tight-knit family, and you know, at some point, you know, I would love for you to meet her, but it's gonna take some time and we go from there.
28:12
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
28:12
SPEAKER_01: So they can make their decision on if they want to be involved or not.
28:15
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's good.
28:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
28:16
SPEAKER_02: How are you uh practically navigating dating now, you've been through counseling and you were back in church?
28:23
SPEAKER_02: What's it like?
28:24
SPEAKER_01: Been through freedom and all that stuff and community, got some healthy people around me.
28:29
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
28:29
SPEAKER_01: So now I am one.
28:33
SPEAKER_01: I'm I'm really doing it differently than I've done in the past.
28:36
SPEAKER_01: So at first, I want to be friends.
28:38
SPEAKER_01: Okay, I want to not rush into a relationship.
28:42
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, let's get to know each other and just do some things together, experience each other, find out can we like each other?
28:49
SPEAKER_01: Can we stand to be in each other's company?
28:51
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
28:52
SPEAKER_01: Do I even want to hear your voice?
28:54
SPEAKER_01: Okay, you know what I mean?
28:56
SPEAKER_01: You know, because in the past I would rush immediately.
28:59
SPEAKER_01: I would see someone, I'd be attracted to them, I'd talk to them a couple of times on the phone, and the next thing you know, we're in a relationship.
29:05
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
29:06
SPEAKER_01: Just that fast.
29:07
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
29:07
SPEAKER_01: You know, and it has not worked.
29:09
SPEAKER_02: Right.
29:10
SPEAKER_02: So why would you keep doing the same thing?
29:11
SPEAKER_01: Why would I keep doing the same thing, expecting a different result?
29:15
SPEAKER_01: Right?
29:15
SPEAKER_01: Right.
29:16
SPEAKER_01: Exactly.
29:16
SPEAKER_01: That's actually insanity.
29:19
SPEAKER_01: Living proof of it.
29:21
SPEAKER_01: Um, so purposely and intentionally doing things differently than I've done in the past, number one, um, being friends.
29:28
SPEAKER_01: And I am also committed to walking a relationship through the word of God.
29:37
SPEAKER_01: Number one.
29:38
SPEAKER_01: Um, I lead with the fact that I'm a man of God, I'm a true believer in his word, and and while relationship for me is gonna look a certain way.
29:47
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, number one, my relationship is not gonna come before my relationship with God.
29:53
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
29:54
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
29:54
SPEAKER_03: Right.
29:55
SPEAKER_01: Um, I used to have a problem with that.
29:56
SPEAKER_01: I used to put my relationships before God.
29:59
SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna be honest and transparent.
30:01
SPEAKER_01: I did.
30:02
SPEAKER_01: Never worked.
30:03
SPEAKER_04: Right.
30:04
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
30:04
SPEAKER_01: Um, so gotta do something different.
30:07
SPEAKER_01: But I'm transparent with that.
30:08
SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna do that.
30:10
SPEAKER_01: You know, I serve, I host, co-host groups, I'm active in my church, but also in my private life at home.
30:18
SPEAKER_01: You know, I believe in prayer, I believe in worship, I believe in studying the word.
30:23
SPEAKER_01: You're gonna see me watching podcasts, things of that sort.
30:28
SPEAKER_01: Man, I will I'm I'm I'm the type of man.
30:30
SPEAKER_01: I want to be able to discuss the things that I read, that I hear, and I understand, and I would love to be able to have those discussions with the person that I'm with.
30:38
SPEAKER_03: Oh, yeah.
30:38
SPEAKER_01: You know, so I put it out there in front.
30:41
SPEAKER_01: You know, hey, this is where I stand.
30:44
SPEAKER_01: Um, abstinence is immensely important to me, you know, because I know having relationships in the past and their being so sexually involved set a horrible foundation.
30:59
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
30:59
SPEAKER_01: You know, and it invited in spiritual attacks that I didn't understand in the past, that I'm very well aware of.
31:07
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
31:07
SPEAKER_01: So I that's another thing that I bring, put on the forefront that I am absent at.
31:12
SPEAKER_01: I refuse to be able to go into a relationship and someone expect that there's going to be a sexual aspect of it that before marriage.
31:21
SPEAKER_01: Right.
31:21
SPEAKER_01: I'm not doing that anymore.
31:22
SPEAKER_01: So I put that on the table also.
31:24
SPEAKER_01: Because I want everyone to be able to have a fair choice on how we move forward.
31:28
SPEAKER_04: Right.
31:28
SPEAKER_01: You know, um, transparency.
31:31
SPEAKER_01: You know, I want people to understand the genuine me.
31:36
SPEAKER_01: So I'm going to be as safely transparent as I know how.
31:40
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
31:41
SPEAKER_01: Um, so some of the discussions that we just talked about, I have.
31:45
SPEAKER_01: And then I want people to see the genuine Ernest Williams Jr., you know.
31:50
SPEAKER_01: Hey, I'm a country boy.
31:52
SPEAKER_01: I'm from the South.
31:52
SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm not hiding that.
31:54
SPEAKER_01: You know, I have country, you know, foundations, you know, and I'm an outdoors guy.
31:59
SPEAKER_01: So you know what?
32:00
SPEAKER_01: I fish, I shoot guns, I like to be outside doing things.
32:06
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
32:07
SPEAKER_01: You know, I want people to see me in my natural state.
32:09
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
32:10
SPEAKER_01: You know, so just the for the transparency of it all.
32:13
SPEAKER_01: And instead of trying to put forth the best representative of me, just see me and get to know me.
32:20
SPEAKER_01: And I try to operate without having up walls to prevent people from being able to see that, but also operating with those boundaries to protect my heart at the same time.
32:31
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's good.
32:32
SPEAKER_02: So do you have you done online dating at all?
32:36
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
32:37
SPEAKER_01: I have done the online dating.
32:39
SPEAKER_01: What was it has been entertaining, yeah, to say the least.
32:45
SPEAKER_01: Um, I've had a plethora of experiences, and they range from extremely disastrous to pretty decent.
32:55
SPEAKER_01: Um and any and any and everything in between.
32:58
SPEAKER_01: Right.
32:59
SPEAKER_01: It's been interesting to say the least.
33:02
SPEAKER_01: Um it's amazing the assumptions that people make based off of your profile.
33:08
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's true.
33:10
SPEAKER_01: It is amazing to me.
33:11
SPEAKER_01: Because I've had some wild things said to me.
33:14
SPEAKER_01: You know, we as women, we think you are like this because of your profile.
33:18
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, what?
33:19
SPEAKER_00: My profile doesn't say anything about that.
33:22
SPEAKER_00: Right.
33:22
SPEAKER_00: It's just the pictures that you put up.
33:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, but they're just pictures of me.
33:27
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
33:28
SPEAKER_01: So the assumptions have been crazy.
33:30
SPEAKER_01: They've been crazy.
33:31
SPEAKER_01: Um, I, in the beginning, I know what I was doing.
33:36
SPEAKER_01: So I would just put a profile, just say something.
33:39
SPEAKER_01: Not understanding that people are reading these profiles and they're drawing their own conclusions from those profiles, right?
33:46
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
33:46
SPEAKER_01: And then when they get to see who you are, what I was saying in the profile really didn't match up to who I was.
33:52
SPEAKER_01: And you know, not not trying to be intentional about that, but that's just how it was.
33:56
SPEAKER_03: Uh-huh.
33:56
SPEAKER_01: So clean that up.
33:58
SPEAKER_01: Because I I I did the whole online dating thing, then I put it on pause for like a couple of years.
34:03
SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't want to do this no more.
34:05
SPEAKER_01: This is crazy.
34:06
SPEAKER_01: Like, man, these streets out here are trash.
34:10
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
34:10
SPEAKER_01: You know?
34:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
34:11
SPEAKER_01: You know how people say, you know, these these streets, you know, this dating pool is ghetto.
34:15
SPEAKER_03: Uh-huh.
34:15
SPEAKER_01: That's how I was feeling.
34:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
34:16
SPEAKER_01: I took a break.
34:17
SPEAKER_01: But then um, going through my transition and understanding myself and then, you know, breaking free from a lot of things within my life, I went back to it.
34:26
SPEAKER_01: I said, you know, I'm gonna give this a shot.
34:29
SPEAKER_01: Because I was intent on not dating in the church.
34:32
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
34:33
SPEAKER_01: I was intent.
34:34
SPEAKER_02: Right.
34:34
SPEAKER_01: Like I ain't dating nobody in my church.
34:37
SPEAKER_01: I'm not doing it.
34:37
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna keep my name clean.
34:39
SPEAKER_02: Uh, okay.
34:40
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was not doing that.
34:41
SPEAKER_01: I was intent on doing that.
34:42
SPEAKER_01: So I said, you know what, I'll try online again.
34:45
SPEAKER_01: But now, when I created my profile, I created my profile and I was leading with the fact that, hey, you know, I'm I'm a man of God, a man of faith, you know, I believe in my peace, you know, da-da-da-da-da.
34:58
SPEAKER_01: Putting things about what's really key and important to me, and then make letting people make choices off of that.
35:05
SPEAKER_01: Right.
35:06
SPEAKER_01: Now, the risk of that, it really narrows the dating pool.
35:09
SPEAKER_02: Right.
35:10
SPEAKER_02: I oh yeah, it does, but in a good way.
35:12
SPEAKER_01: In a good way.
35:13
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
35:13
SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes.
35:14
SPEAKER_01: A lot of people be like, well, you don't have as many choices.
35:16
SPEAKER_01: I don't need that many choices.
35:18
SPEAKER_01: I really don't.
35:18
SPEAKER_02: It narrows the choices to be better choices.
35:21
SPEAKER_01: It really makes it a little easier, like for real.
35:24
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
35:24
SPEAKER_01: For real.
35:24
SPEAKER_01: Because I noticed my first profile I ever put up, man, I was getting hits all over the place.
35:30
SPEAKER_01: You know, likes are everywhere, likes everywhere, likes everywhere.
35:33
SPEAKER_01: But now once I changed it and I'm leading with the key principles that's important to me, I don't get as many likes, but the likes I get better matches.
35:44
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
35:44
SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
35:45
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, exactly.
35:46
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, I I to me, I have a higher quality that I'm dealing with at the moment.
35:50
SPEAKER_02: Right, exactly.
35:51
SPEAKER_02: Um are you still like really intent on not dating in the church?
35:55
SPEAKER_01: I've loosened that up.
35:56
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
35:57
SPEAKER_01: I've changed it.
35:58
SPEAKER_01: I've changed that.
35:59
SPEAKER_01: I was really afraid of actually quite a few men have this fear of dating in the church.
36:07
SPEAKER_01: Um of dating someone and then not going well, and then they go into the pastors or the leaders or getting with other women in the church, it'd be like, he did, and he did, and he did, and then you know, they come to protect her, and you're the ostracized guy.
36:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:27
SPEAKER_01: Dudes are really afraid of that.
36:28
SPEAKER_01: They they they they they're really hesitant about that when it comes to dating in the church.
36:32
SPEAKER_01: If if you're serious about dating, right?
36:34
SPEAKER_01: Not just out there playing around, you know.
36:37
SPEAKER_01: But I'm like, okay, you know what?
36:39
SPEAKER_01: Why am I gonna limit myself?
36:41
SPEAKER_01: Because there could be someone walking around that I could be a match with, right?
36:46
SPEAKER_01: You know, right here within the church itself.
36:49
SPEAKER_01: So why not?
36:50
SPEAKER_01: So I've opened myself up to meeting people like 2026.
36:54
SPEAKER_01: One of my things was I'm gonna meet people in the church.
36:57
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna meet women in the church, I'm gonna be friends with them.
37:00
SPEAKER_01: If something happens, then it happens.
37:01
SPEAKER_01: Because I was just friends with the dudes.
37:03
SPEAKER_01: Like all the dudes, my homies.
37:05
SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm giving all the brothers a hug when I get in.
37:08
SPEAKER_01: You know, we chopping it up, having a good time, and the ladies, it's like, huh?
37:13
SPEAKER_01: I don't want to talk to you.
37:16
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was dodging dodging, yeah.
37:19
SPEAKER_01: But I'm nah, I'm not I'm I'm open now.
37:22
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
37:22
SPEAKER_01: I'm open now.
37:23
SPEAKER_02: So you're not like as far as like, oh, you'll shoot your shot necessarily, but you're open to whatever we're gonna do.
37:28
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I'm open to whatever we're gonna do.
37:30
SPEAKER_01: Because I want to do the friendship thing first.
37:31
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
37:32
SPEAKER_01: So it's like, okay, you know, if I meet people, cool, then if something happens, it happens.
37:36
SPEAKER_02: That's fair.
37:36
SPEAKER_02: That's fair.
37:37
SPEAKER_02: What do you think um the church as a whole, not union church in particular, but just like the American church, what they could do better for singles.
37:51
SPEAKER_01: The church as a whole makes it seem like being single is just so it's like it's the cesspool for sin.
37:59
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
38:00
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
38:01
SPEAKER_01: And it makes it it makes it makes being single have a negative connotation.
38:07
SPEAKER_04: Right.
38:07
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
38:08
SPEAKER_01: Um, I think they could do a whole lot better job in showing singleness in a positive way and not always leaning so much on the downside of it.
38:20
SPEAKER_01: Yes, there can be a sinful side to s to being single, without a doubt.
38:26
SPEAKER_01: And there's sinful paths that you can walk down.
38:29
SPEAKER_01: Do we need to know the truth about those things?
38:31
SPEAKER_01: Yes, we do.
38:33
SPEAKER_01: But it shouldn't be in a way that makes people feel that singleness is something I need to hide.
38:39
unknown: Right.
38:39
SPEAKER_01: And the fact that I'm dating, I need to hide it because now I'm going to get judged and I'm going to get scrutinized and so forth and so on.
38:48
SPEAKER_01: Um, another thing, in my opinion, is I think hearing the stories of the successful marriages in church could be broadcast more.
39:01
SPEAKER_01: In my opinion.
39:02
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I agree.
39:03
SPEAKER_01: You know, we always hear about the marriages that fail, you know, and people being divorced.
39:08
SPEAKER_01: But there are a lot of people in churches that have marriages that have lasted a duration of time.
39:15
SPEAKER_01: We don't hear a lot about those.
39:17
SPEAKER_01: And I think that would be more encouraging to people, like, hey, you know what?
39:21
SPEAKER_01: I know I have this couple in my church or these people in my church that have gone through their struggles in marriage and there's they love each other.
39:30
SPEAKER_01: They truly love each other, they are really with one another.
39:33
SPEAKER_01: Hey, why don't I talk to them and get some mentorship from them?
39:36
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
39:37
SPEAKER_01: You know, I think there could be better mentorship of singleness in the church from people who were single, got married, successful.
39:46
SPEAKER_01: I think, you know, there should be a there should be more mentorship from that standpoint.
39:49
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, yeah.
39:50
SPEAKER_02: I I agree.
39:51
SPEAKER_02: I like that answer.
39:52
SPEAKER_02: Um Are there some specific Bible verses that you've like kind of clung to during this season of life?
39:58
SPEAKER_01: There is one that I love.
39:59
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
40:00
SPEAKER_01: And it keeps showing up.
40:01
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
40:02
SPEAKER_01: It is 2 Corinthians chapter 12, verses 9 and 10.
40:06
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
40:06
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
40:07
SPEAKER_01: I'm going to read it too.
40:08
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
40:08
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because I'm not going to quote it exactly right.
40:11
SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you that right now.
40:12
SPEAKER_03: Okay.
40:13
SPEAKER_01: Uh version.
40:15
SPEAKER_01: So I have the New Living Translation.
40:17
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
40:18
SPEAKER_01: Okay.
40:18
SPEAKER_01: I'll make sure I got the right one.
40:20
SPEAKER_01: So chapter uh verse nine.
40:22
SPEAKER_01: Each time he said, My grace is all you need, my power works best in weakness.
40:27
SPEAKER_01: So now I am glad to boast about my weakness so that the power of Christ can work through me.
40:33
SPEAKER_01: That's why I take pleasure in my weakness, in my weakness, and in the insults, the hardships, the persecutions or troubles that I suffer for Christ.
40:40
SPEAKER_01: For when I am weak, then I am strong.
40:44
SPEAKER_02: You want to see my lock screen of my thumb?
40:46
SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, yeah.
40:49
SPEAKER_02: It's also 2 Corinthians 12 guys.
40:52
SPEAKER_01: I love that verse.
40:53
SPEAKER_01: Because in my life, I've had to rely on that when it comes to dating.
40:59
SPEAKER_01: Because, you know, with this idea being a man and coming from the south and being in the military, you have to be this, you have to be the strong one all the time.
41:09
SPEAKER_01: But then learning that when it comes to Christ, when it comes to God, God is the ultimate father.
41:19
SPEAKER_01: He's our father.
41:20
SPEAKER_01: And just like my kids, when my kids had something to happen, I want them to come to me and let daddy fix it.
41:27
SPEAKER_01: Well, God wants us to go to him for everything.
41:30
SPEAKER_01: So we don't have to be strong.
41:32
SPEAKER_03: Yeah, exactly.
41:33
SPEAKER_01: We don't have to be.
41:34
SPEAKER_01: In fact, if we decrease ourselves and show our weakness and give God that weakness, it's when he shows up the greatest.
41:44
SPEAKER_01: Right, exactly.
41:44
SPEAKER_01: Because it's his strength that's going to carry us through.
41:47
SPEAKER_01: So, you know, I learned, you know, yeah, she said something to me and it was an insult.
41:53
SPEAKER_01: You know, this person did something to me and it was just a huge offense.
41:58
SPEAKER_01: And somebody did this, and I went through this hardship financially while I was dating or whatever the case might be.
42:05
SPEAKER_01: It was in those moments that God really showed up and carried me and really showed me how to navigate, get through those things, and still have love in my heart, and still have patience, and still show kindness, and still keep hope and continue to have faith.
42:23
SPEAKER_01: So I I love that scripture.
42:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I love that one too.
42:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
42:26
SPEAKER_02: Um, all right, wrap up question for you.
42:28
SPEAKER_02: What is the like biggest piece of advice that you'd give someone in a similar season as you right now?
42:37
SPEAKER_01: I would ask that person to first get to know yourself completely, understand you holistically, and prayerfully that starts with you having a close relationship with God and knowing and asking God to allow the Holy Spirit to show you who you are, and then understand that wherever you are in the moment, God can change your heart about whatever He wants to remove from you.
43:12
SPEAKER_01: And also what He wants to add to you.
43:15
SPEAKER_01: And if you do that in your dating journey, it's gonna help you to be able to navigate that journey in a whole lot more peaceful state.
43:26
SPEAKER_01: And then always have maintain hope and faith that God is walking with you and is going to lead you and give you the tools to find the right make.
43:37
SPEAKER_01: He's gonna give you those tools.
43:39
SPEAKER_01: And as he teaches you those tools, he's gonna allow you to go through some things and show you some things about yourself and to show you some things about those tools, but you're gonna get it if you keep putting in the work.
43:51
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
43:52
SPEAKER_01: And know that he's gonna be happy and proud in you once you do, because you know, he says, hey, he that finds a wife finds a the gooder.
44:02
SPEAKER_01: Okay, the gooderd is waiting for you.
44:04
SPEAKER_02: Mm-hmm.
44:05
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
44:06
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
44:06
SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
44:07
SPEAKER_02: Thank you so much for coming on today.
44:09
SPEAKER_02: I really appreciate it.
44:10
SPEAKER_01: Thank you for having me.
44:10
SPEAKER_01: This was actually fun.
44:12
SPEAKER_01: I loved it.
44:13
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I love this.
44:14
SPEAKER_01: This was great.
44:17
SPEAKER_02: Thank you guys so much for spending time with us today.
44:20
SPEAKER_02: I really loved having you here.
44:22
SPEAKER_02: If you liked this episode, make sure you share it with someone you know.
44:26
SPEAKER_02: I'd also love if you guys would comment any questions you might have that we can answer on future episodes.
44:32
SPEAKER_02: Remember that each one of you was born for such a time as this.
44:36
SPEAKER_02: Until next time.
44:37
SPEAKER_02: Bye.