Latest / Love Matters With Leeza Mangaldas / Why “Living Apart Together” Might Be the Key to Happier Relationships | Supriya Joshi

Transcript

Why “Living Apart Together” Might Be the Key to Happier Relationships | Supriya Joshi · Love Matters With Leeza Mangaldas

0:00
Speaker 1: For me, a relationship becomes more meaningful when you have
0:03
Speaker 1: time apart physically time apart, and so that when you
0:08
Speaker 1: do come together, it's so much better.
0:12
Speaker 2: I long for enduring love, but I have no desire
0:14
Speaker 2: to live with a man like no thank you, even
0:17
Speaker 2: like systemically denied the ability to work. That's why they
0:20
Speaker 2: all live with their husbands.
0:22
Speaker 1: I wish more women, especially see like think about it, like,
0:27
Speaker 1: what kind of situation, what kind of relationship? What kind
0:30
Speaker 1: of partner do you want? Not what people want for you?
0:35
Speaker 1: What do you want? The sex is so much better
0:38
Speaker 1: when you're not living. I get.
0:46
Speaker 2: I Sypria. Welcome to Love Matters.
0:49
Speaker 1: I am so happy to be here.
0:51
Speaker 2: How are you doing today?
0:52
Speaker 1: I am doing really great. I have had good breakfast
0:56
Speaker 1: and I've had enough water, so I'm good to go.
1:00
Speaker 2: I see you're wearing your heart on your sleeve, but literally.
1:04
Speaker 1: Obviously it's something I stand by, so you know, it's
1:07
Speaker 1: a physical manifestation of what I actually believe in, So.
1:11
Speaker 2: Very fitting for Love Matters. And I too wear my
1:14
Speaker 2: heart on my sleeve. And we're going to be talking
1:16
Speaker 2: about all kinds of things to do with the heart
1:20
Speaker 2: today is and I think we should have some similar
1:22
Speaker 2: views because in preparation for this episode, I was chatting
1:27
Speaker 2: with a friend, you know, she was saying, Oh, I
1:29
Speaker 2: wish that you know, when I live with my partner,
1:32
Speaker 2: we have separate bathrooms, And I was thinking, like, if
1:35
Speaker 2: I have a partner, I want to have like separate everything,
1:38
Speaker 2: separate bedroom, separate homes. I will see you when I
1:41
Speaker 2: want to see you. And I know that that's an
1:43
Speaker 2: opinion you share.
1:44
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. I am very pro separate individual spaces.
1:50
Speaker 2: And so there's like a term for this, Yeah, living
1:53
Speaker 2: apart together? Do you call it lat lat lat? So
1:56
Speaker 2: you're quite the.
1:59
Speaker 1: Can I call it an next Wert traveler?
2:04
Speaker 2: You have experimented at least at the very least with that, Yes,
2:09
Speaker 2: and I'm excited to hear more about that today. Yeah,
2:12
Speaker 2: how'd that go? Tell me a little bit and give
2:14
Speaker 2: us a little context.
2:15
Speaker 1: Okay, so let's see, let's uh begin with your fundamental
2:21
Speaker 1: beliefs of what a relationship should feel like. For me,
2:26
Speaker 1: I feel like I am, as an individual, very hyper independent.
2:31
Speaker 1: I like to do things on my own. I like
2:34
Speaker 1: to figure things out on my own. I think that's
2:36
Speaker 1: also not a very good thing. But for me, it's
2:39
Speaker 1: a good thing. Okay. So I like to manage things
2:41
Speaker 1: on my own. So even when I am in a relationship,
2:45
Speaker 1: I prefer that we both keep our spaces sacred, you know,
2:51
Speaker 1: like our like sharing of bathrooms, sharing of bedrooms, and
2:58
Speaker 1: even sharing of houses as a traditional concept really doesn't
3:03
Speaker 1: appeal to me because of how again hyper into this
3:07
Speaker 1: thing I am. I need to like, my room is
3:11
Speaker 1: my room and I can only share it with my
3:14
Speaker 1: sibling and nobody else. And yeah, that's where it stems from.
3:19
Speaker 1: And if you are in a relationship like that with
3:22
Speaker 1: someone else and they share your thoughts, and I think
3:27
Speaker 1: that's the best thing.
3:28
Speaker 2: Ever, Yeah, I have to agree. And just in case
3:31
Speaker 2: people who are tuning in a less familiar with this concept,
3:34
Speaker 2: I thought, why don't we define that a little and
3:37
Speaker 2: you can chime into. But basically, living a part together
3:40
Speaker 2: is when a couple makes a conscious choice not to
3:43
Speaker 2: live together, even if the circumstances could allow for them
3:46
Speaker 2: living together. That the usual script is, you know, relationship,
3:49
Speaker 2: then you get married and you live together. And this
3:51
Speaker 2: disrupts that script by being like relationship and you never
3:54
Speaker 2: live together, and that is the choice that is by design.
4:00
Speaker 2: I'm all for that, honestly, I think so do you
4:03
Speaker 2: think you know all our form others and would have
4:06
Speaker 2: ancestors would have lived with their partners if they had
4:11
Speaker 2: a choice. So much of the script is because there
4:13
Speaker 2: was no choice.
4:13
Speaker 1: There was no choice exactly, and I think because generations
4:19
Speaker 1: ahead have fought their way to find out what really
4:22
Speaker 1: works for them. If we could turn back time, I'm
4:26
Speaker 1: sure even our ancestral women would also choose to have
4:30
Speaker 1: their own spaces. It's so important and I wouldn't have
4:34
Speaker 1: it any other way, Honestly. I think for me, a
4:39
Speaker 1: relationship becomes more meaningful when you have time apart physically
4:44
Speaker 1: time apart, and so that when you do come together
4:48
Speaker 1: it's so much better. I don't know. I feel like
4:53
Speaker 1: one of my love language is space that I think
4:57
Speaker 1: that matters too.
4:58
Speaker 2: I think so too. I think if like Virginia World,
5:01
Speaker 2: in a room of one's own, I think every woman deserves,
5:05
Speaker 2: at least for a time in our life to experience
5:08
Speaker 2: living alone. Do you live alone or do you live
5:10
Speaker 2: with family?
5:11
Speaker 1: I live alone. I live with myself. Yeah, and I
5:15
Speaker 1: just you know, since you when you live alone, you
5:20
Speaker 1: know your day to day, you know what you need
5:23
Speaker 1: to do. But when you are living with someone, I think,
5:27
Speaker 1: out out of love and also out of expectation, your
5:31
Speaker 1: schedule and your day to day changes and also revolves
5:34
Speaker 1: a little bit around what are they going to do today?
5:38
Speaker 1: And for me that's a little like then that means
5:42
Speaker 1: that I cannot wake up at nine am like I
5:46
Speaker 1: wanted to because at nine am, my partner has to
5:49
Speaker 1: go to work, So I have to wake up a
5:51
Speaker 1: little early make my own schedule around that. So and
5:56
Speaker 1: now you imagine if there's nobody else when you're like, okay, babe,
5:59
Speaker 1: when are we meeting today? We're meeting at nine pm
6:01
Speaker 1: somewhere and that's it.
6:04
Speaker 2: So how did you and this partner with whom you
6:07
Speaker 2: explored living apart together? With meat?
6:11
Speaker 1: So we actually met on a dating app? Back to
6:15
Speaker 1: when I so he first of all, we are no
6:18
Speaker 1: longer together, so I am. We are living apart, but
6:25
Speaker 1: when we were together, I live in Mumbai and he's
6:30
Speaker 1: from Delhi. So when I was in Delhi for some
6:33
Speaker 1: work is when we matched on the dating app and
6:38
Speaker 1: that's where things got going and it I went to
6:42
Speaker 1: Delhi several times to meet him. He came to Bombay
6:44
Speaker 1: several times to meet me and we would spend like
6:48
Speaker 1: close to a week or so together and that was it.
6:51
Speaker 1: And I feel that was enough for me and for
6:55
Speaker 1: him to feel closer, more connected with each other, and
7:00
Speaker 1: then return to our own spaces. And things were pretty serious.
7:05
Speaker 1: They were you know, possibly headed towards you know, marriage
7:08
Speaker 1: and stuff like that. But even then we would have
7:13
Speaker 1: we would have both set those boundaries and goals that
7:18
Speaker 1: even if we do get end up getting married, what
7:22
Speaker 1: will our living situations look like? Like I am in
7:25
Speaker 1: my I'm close to being in my forties now, and
7:28
Speaker 1: so is he. So at this point, I think we
7:31
Speaker 1: are so set in our own ways, in our own lives,
7:35
Speaker 1: in our own spaces that to have another person join
7:39
Speaker 1: you in the journey, you will have to do a
7:42
Speaker 1: little bit of uprooting if you actually want to live
7:44
Speaker 1: with each other. But both of our careers don't allow
7:48
Speaker 1: us to need to either go to Delhi and settle
7:52
Speaker 1: there and for him to come to Bombay and settle here.
7:55
Speaker 1: So the way things are going with how it was,
7:58
Speaker 1: it was absolutely perfect for both of us. Being in
8:03
Speaker 1: a was very importantly, Being in such a situation of
8:07
Speaker 1: such a relationship requires way more trust than actually living
8:16
Speaker 1: with each other because you have to trust that this
8:18
Speaker 1: person is even though it's in their own space. Is
8:22
Speaker 1: just yeah, like you're still in a relationship basically.
8:27
Speaker 2: Yes, well, full disclosure. I also have recently exited a breakup,
8:33
Speaker 2: although not it was a year ago actually, but we
8:36
Speaker 2: were living together together and lived together for seven years,
8:39
Speaker 2: so it felt like a big change, yeah, to be
8:44
Speaker 2: to have exited that relationship, to be living alone. And
8:47
Speaker 2: I think, and I just I don't think i'd ever
8:50
Speaker 2: lived with a man again, you know, so to me,
8:53
Speaker 2: this idea of living a part together, I still want
8:55
Speaker 2: a relationship. I still I think there's something wonderful about
9:00
Speaker 2: having someone make you feel seen and heard and understood
9:04
Speaker 2: and loved like I long for enduring love, But I
9:07
Speaker 2: have no desire to live with a man like no,
9:09
Speaker 2: thank you. Your space. Space is a wonderful thing. And
9:13
Speaker 2: if you have the economic mobility to allow for both
9:15
Speaker 2: parties to have space, women will like systemically deny the
9:18
Speaker 2: ability to work. That's why they all lived with their husbands.
9:21
Speaker 2: Hate to break it to you, facts, okay, fact. And
9:26
Speaker 2: while it's lovely also to spend time together, and I
9:28
Speaker 2: would love visiting or being visited by somebody I love,
9:31
Speaker 2: et cetera. It's also absence makes.
9:34
Speaker 1: The heart grow fonder, exactly.
9:36
Speaker 2: I think it's so hard. A relationship is so hard anyway.
9:39
Speaker 2: Then it's just like you're putting both of you in
9:41
Speaker 2: a pressure cooker when you live together, and even when
9:44
Speaker 2: you don't live together, it can it cannot work out
9:46
Speaker 2: as in your case, I don't have to feel how
9:48
Speaker 2: are you doing?
9:49
Speaker 1: You know, I'm all good?
9:51
Speaker 2: I always say bad. Hyo.
9:54
Speaker 1: It was it was just not working out. So not
9:58
Speaker 1: because of this relation, the living apart together situation, but
10:04
Speaker 1: you know, breakup can happen for one hundred million reasons,
10:08
Speaker 1: and this is not one. This was not one of them.
10:10
Speaker 1: This is this was our preferred mode of relationship.
10:13
Speaker 2: But yeah, breakup can happen for one million other reasons.
10:16
Speaker 2: I actually think living apart together gives you a slightly
10:20
Speaker 2: higher chance of the one million other reasons not coming in.
10:23
Speaker 2: They still can.
10:24
Speaker 1: They can.
10:25
Speaker 2: It's not a fool proof solution to being happily ever after,
10:30
Speaker 2: but it certainly heightens the odds.
10:33
Speaker 1: Yeah, I wonder if this conversation sort of undermines how
10:39
Speaker 1: good this type of situation is because I'm broken up,
10:45
Speaker 1: but I just want to make it clear it's not
10:47
Speaker 1: because we were in this situation that we broke up.
10:51
Speaker 1: So if you're considering it, please do it like it's
10:55
Speaker 1: a really good arrangement, and you know, like the way
11:00
Speaker 1: my relationship history has been my very first relationship, but
11:05
Speaker 1: that was when I was in my twenties. My very
11:07
Speaker 1: first relationship was a long distance relationship, so we both
11:11
Speaker 1: didn't have the economic means to do anything else but
11:14
Speaker 1: be in a long distance relationship. But at that age,
11:18
Speaker 1: both of us were trying really hard to come to
11:20
Speaker 1: the same place and lived to be together. But now
11:23
Speaker 1: at this like twenty years later, we were still in
11:27
Speaker 1: a long distance relationship, but both of us were trying
11:32
Speaker 1: to spend time with each other, but possibly not permanently,
11:36
Speaker 1: like just have each other in our lives. But it
11:40
Speaker 1: didn't matter. It was not something of an urgency the
11:44
Speaker 1: way it was when I was in my twenties, where
11:46
Speaker 1: it's like, oh my god, I need to meet him,
11:48
Speaker 1: I need to do this, I need to do that.
11:49
Speaker 1: And now it's like when can you meet what's your
11:52
Speaker 1: calendar looking like? When can we spend some time together?
11:55
Speaker 1: And if I'm being very honest to you, with you
11:58
Speaker 1: I think my I am so like I love being
12:03
Speaker 1: alone and I love my space so much that even
12:06
Speaker 1: when he did stay for me, say for a week,
12:09
Speaker 1: by day three I was just like, so, yes, your
12:20
Speaker 1: written fly again.
12:24
Speaker 2: Shall we book it?
12:28
Speaker 1: Maybe you want to go to the other room for
12:31
Speaker 1: some time, Like I don't know. It was all love
12:35
Speaker 1: and all love and good, but yeah, I just liked
12:39
Speaker 1: being I like being alone so much that even after
12:43
Speaker 1: like three days, and he would feel the same way.
12:46
Speaker 1: By the way, when I would go over to his
12:49
Speaker 1: place and stay for a week, I think for three days.
12:52
Speaker 1: I think three days is ideal. I think three days
12:54
Speaker 1: is the first day you have all fun and games.
12:57
Speaker 1: The second day you you know, you're talking, you're more
13:01
Speaker 1: like deep stuff, and by day three you've done everything.
13:05
Speaker 1: Maybe you can have fun and games on day three also,
13:07
Speaker 1: and day four leave.
13:10
Speaker 2: And then when how soon do you need to see
13:12
Speaker 2: them again?
13:13
Speaker 1: I think a month is a good time.
13:14
Speaker 2: Every man. Yeah, in your ideal setup of living apart together,
13:19
Speaker 2: would it be long distance living apart together like I
13:21
Speaker 2: personally fantasize about same city living apart together, Like you
13:25
Speaker 2: live like ten minutes away, you know, not next door neighbox. Yeah,
13:29
Speaker 2: I have my space, like really have my space, nor
13:31
Speaker 2: need to bump into when I don't want to. Yeah,
13:33
Speaker 2: we're not so far away that I have to inconvenience
13:35
Speaker 2: myself or spend a hell of a lot of money to.
13:36
Speaker 1: Get You're so right there, but it is what it is.
13:39
Speaker 1: If if I would also to design it, if I
13:42
Speaker 1: would also from a Lego box done so, if I
13:46
Speaker 1: had to do it again, God, I have to do
13:49
Speaker 1: it again. No, okay, if I have to do it again,
13:59
Speaker 1: then I would also like my partner to be in
14:03
Speaker 1: the same city, not too far away, because Mumbai also
14:07
Speaker 1: has a lot of distance. Even if Mumbai and Delhi
14:12
Speaker 1: was like a to hour flight, so is Kolaba and
14:14
Speaker 1: Malada to our drive. So I would like it to
14:18
Speaker 1: be yeah, like maybe about ten to fifteen minutes away
14:21
Speaker 1: from me. And that would work. Actually, that would work
14:24
Speaker 1: really well, right, Yeah, yeah, that would work very well
14:27
Speaker 1: if he's in his own house, I'm in my own
14:29
Speaker 1: house and we meet halfway or I go. And but
14:32
Speaker 1: now if we are in the same city, then we
14:35
Speaker 1: can a month. You don't have to wait for a
14:38
Speaker 1: month to meet each other. Then you can actually meet
14:40
Speaker 1: each other.
14:41
Speaker 2: Every day or once a week.
14:42
Speaker 1: Or once a week. You don't have to plan like
14:45
Speaker 1: by flight tickets basically, so if I could, Yeah, I
14:49
Speaker 1: would also prefer if they were in the same city
14:51
Speaker 1: as I was. Yeah.
14:52
Speaker 2: I think that people who may not have thought critically
14:55
Speaker 2: about what it means to be loved and what it
14:57
Speaker 2: means to be in a relationship might find some of
15:00
Speaker 2: what we're saying a bit like, Oh, these two like selfish,
15:03
Speaker 2: self centered women, like you know, like they're they're I
15:06
Speaker 2: don't know, not willing to love in the way that
15:10
Speaker 2: love requires where you give something. But that's not it.
15:14
Speaker 2: I think I love so deeply. I love so deeply,
15:18
Speaker 2: but I also I'm a whole person. I don't need
15:22
Speaker 2: the sort of external validation that this relationship means something.
15:30
Speaker 2: And so we must show the world how together we are.
15:33
Speaker 2: And you know, I think we're caught up in our
15:34
Speaker 2: twenties and these ideas of romance that require you to
15:39
Speaker 2: shrink who you are in order to make the other
15:42
Speaker 2: person in your world, especially as women, And at thirty five,
15:46
Speaker 2: that's just not how I see love anymore. And I
15:48
Speaker 2: give a lot, but I refuse to shrink myself. And
15:52
Speaker 2: also I think they need, like everyone.
15:54
Speaker 1: Needspace, space. You're right, right, but patriarchy has designed meant
16:00
Speaker 1: to have more space than women exactly, so I would say,
16:06
Speaker 1: but from the like from my core, I am also
16:09
Speaker 1: a very old school romantic person, like I would love
16:13
Speaker 1: nothing more than like this big gesture of love and
16:17
Speaker 1: you know, I'm marrying you and I'm taking you to
16:20
Speaker 1: some palace and We're going to live together and blah blah.
16:23
Speaker 1: I would like I would, yes, that absolutely, But like
16:27
Speaker 1: the older you get, the more you see life the
16:30
Speaker 1: more Also the more self work you do, you do
16:33
Speaker 1: realize that living with someone, being constantly in some with
16:38
Speaker 1: someone else really doesn't make you whold. I mean, traditionally
16:44
Speaker 1: that's how it's supposed to be. Husband and wife lives
16:46
Speaker 1: together or partners live together. But the more you see,
16:51
Speaker 1: the more you figure out what do I want? Like,
16:55
Speaker 1: I know this is what society wants from me, but
16:58
Speaker 1: what do I like? And yeah, yeah, this really comes
17:01
Speaker 1: from also a place of privilege that I can say
17:04
Speaker 1: that I don't want to even if I do get married,
17:07
Speaker 1: I would prefer not to live with the person or
17:11
Speaker 1: have even if you're in the same house, it has
17:13
Speaker 1: to be big enough so that he has his own space.
17:16
Speaker 1: And I have my own enva one common meeting place,
17:19
Speaker 1: which is so hard to find like anywhere. I would
17:23
Speaker 1: say that you have to be ultra privilege now to
17:26
Speaker 1: have that sort of living situation yourself. So yeah, I
17:30
Speaker 1: think at the very like very simply like I just
17:34
Speaker 1: chose myself basically from between choosing like settling with someone,
17:42
Speaker 1: and I don't mean that in a negative way, and
17:45
Speaker 1: between choosing that and choosing like what makes me happy?
17:48
Speaker 1: Who would make me happy? What kind of situation would
17:52
Speaker 1: make me happy? I chose that, and I am very
17:55
Speaker 1: happy with that decision. Really I am. I wish more women,
18:00
Speaker 1: especially do some self work like see like think about it,
18:05
Speaker 1: like what kind of situation, what kind of relationship, what
18:08
Speaker 1: kind of partner do you want? Not what people want
18:12
Speaker 1: for you? What do you want?
18:14
Speaker 2: Who are you?
18:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly ask yourself?
18:16
Speaker 2: Ask that and you need space to be able to
18:18
Speaker 2: even do that investigation. So on that note, since you
18:22
Speaker 2: said you love nineties Bollywood rom coms, absolutely, we are
18:27
Speaker 2: going to play a little game where I give you
18:29
Speaker 2: a bunch of filmy scenarios which I've written down here,
18:32
Speaker 2: and you have to tell me whether they are like
18:35
Speaker 2: a or too cheesy? Or whether they give you butterfly.
18:37
Speaker 1: Okay, let's go.
18:38
Speaker 2: Okay, let's go. Butterflies. Are you okay? Your partner surprises
18:43
Speaker 2: you at the airport with a science saying, don't go.
18:46
Speaker 2: You have a flight to catch in thirty minutes.
18:49
Speaker 1: Can I ask questions where am I going? Is it
18:53
Speaker 1: an international flight or is it a domestic flight? Because
18:57
Speaker 1: if it's an international flight, I have a lot of
19:00
Speaker 1: money on my WISA, So I would say it's butterfly
19:05
Speaker 1: adjacent because I will go if it's an international flight.
19:09
Speaker 1: But if it's a domestic flight, yeah, I'll stay. Butterflies Butterflies, yeah,
19:14
Speaker 1: for sure, for sure.
19:16
Speaker 2: Okay, it's raining. He's outside your building playing your song
19:20
Speaker 2: and a speaker.
19:22
Speaker 1: Oh yes, absolute, but look at my face, like I just.
19:25
Speaker 2: Went, I'm coming. It's raining anyway, I'm coming outside. Okay,
19:30
Speaker 2: what's your song?
19:32
Speaker 1: Anything? Any I would say, like like a nice Backstreet
19:39
Speaker 1: Boys ballad?
19:40
Speaker 2: Okay you are my fire?
19:43
Speaker 1: Yeah I would. It would absolutely get me a butterfly.
19:46
Speaker 2: Absolutely, I think I think we we we we understand exactly.
19:51
Speaker 1: Absolutely.
19:51
Speaker 2: Okay. He choreographs a full dance number with your friends
19:55
Speaker 2: for your birthday.
19:56
Speaker 1: Butterflies, a f butterflies a because yeah, that's wow. Anything
20:04
Speaker 1: involving my friends, on anything that puts me in the
20:07
Speaker 1: center of attention. Yes, absolutely, butterflies.
20:10
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm curious what you think of this one. He
20:14
Speaker 2: gets the tattoo of your name.
20:16
Speaker 1: Oh hell no, hell no, I don't care if we've
20:20
Speaker 1: been together fifty years. No. Absolutely, do not put someone
20:25
Speaker 1: else's name on your body, your partner's name on your body,
20:28
Speaker 1: because you never Also, I feel like it's the harboringer
20:31
Speaker 1: of bad luck because the moment you tattoo someone's name
20:34
Speaker 1: on your body, they will leave you. So don't do it. Okay,
20:41
Speaker 1: So no tattoos. No, no tattoos, No, I mean tattoos whatever.
20:45
Speaker 1: Get a you can get like you just don't get a name,
20:48
Speaker 1: maybe a symbolic say, if you got me a certain
20:52
Speaker 1: kind of flower on our first date and you want
20:54
Speaker 1: to memorialize that, get that flower because then even if
20:58
Speaker 1: you're not together, you don't have to say no, I
21:00
Speaker 1: got this for her. I just like this flower. So yeah,
21:04
Speaker 1: don't tattoo names. No, it's it's too much commitment, it's
21:07
Speaker 1: too hectic.
21:09
Speaker 2: Why is words? But where's Sharrak Khan when we need them? Man? Seriously, Yeah,
21:17
Speaker 2: don't share. So did you and your partner have rules
21:23
Speaker 2: to follow within this setup? Like was it quite structured?
21:28
Speaker 1: Actually no, it was. There weren't any rules per se.
21:31
Speaker 1: I think, as I said, as I said before, being
21:35
Speaker 1: in this kind of a relationship requires a lot of trust,
21:39
Speaker 1: and which we did have with each other. Also again
21:43
Speaker 1: because we were long distance, like city long distance, so
21:47
Speaker 1: you have to like make sure you're letting a partner
21:51
Speaker 1: know even the smallest things. I think that's also something
21:54
Speaker 1: that's meaningful to me, like I had my lunch, or
21:58
Speaker 1: I am going on a walk, or today I'm meeting
22:02
Speaker 1: my friend. Like even with these small details, you know
22:06
Speaker 1: they're on your mind. And but I do feel this
22:08
Speaker 1: is more about long distance instead, not just the led situation.
22:15
Speaker 1: But other than that, there were no rules. We were
22:16
Speaker 1: just trying to make sure that we would find time
22:19
Speaker 1: to go to each other when we could. There were
22:23
Speaker 1: I don't think there was any other It was pretty
22:25
Speaker 1: free flowing otherwise and developing, evolving on its own.
22:28
Speaker 2: How did one another's families take to this setup? Were
22:32
Speaker 2: they understanding or was there any pressure from either people's families?
22:36
Speaker 2: You know, what are you guys doing?
22:38
Speaker 1: Actually we did meet each other's families as well, and
22:41
Speaker 1: there was again no pressure about anything. Everybody understood how
22:46
Speaker 1: things are and also things were just evolving. They hadn't
22:50
Speaker 1: reached a point where we would get into a conversation
22:53
Speaker 1: about what's next. So but like meeting each other's families,
22:58
Speaker 1: also they get to see you as well, right, like
23:02
Speaker 1: what do you add to their you know, relationships and
23:07
Speaker 1: how is it going to be together? But because both
23:10
Speaker 1: of us were making it work so well, it really
23:14
Speaker 1: never was a question or a thing about you know,
23:20
Speaker 1: what is this thing even because everything was going so
23:24
Speaker 1: well so until there wasn't but and families have nothing
23:30
Speaker 1: to do with that, just to make it clear, to
23:32
Speaker 1: make it clear. Yeah, so no pressure, nothing like that.
23:36
Speaker 1: But again it also comes from thank God for having
23:39
Speaker 1: such good parents who let you be, who let you
23:43
Speaker 1: discover your own life and take your own path, because
23:49
Speaker 1: how much can they dictate how you live your life?
23:52
Speaker 1: And I'm very grateful that I have parents like that,
23:55
Speaker 1: and so does he me too.
23:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's wonderful for parents not to peg their love
24:00
Speaker 2: on conditions. Yeah. But okay, so what were some of
24:05
Speaker 2: the challenges, Like, I know we've both been like the
24:07
Speaker 2: poster girls living apart together. But everything has its ups
24:14
Speaker 2: and downs. So what was some of the difficult bits?
24:17
Speaker 1: I can't think of any negative thing or any challenges
24:20
Speaker 1: per se. I mean I would say, like maybe to somebody,
24:24
Speaker 1: I think the I think the main challenge would be
24:27
Speaker 1: to try to explain this to someone who was not
24:31
Speaker 1: willing to understand what it means. Like people might even
24:35
Speaker 1: label me selfish, might even label me like not too progressive.
24:42
Speaker 1: But I think living this situation, given both of our
24:47
Speaker 1: financial conditions, both of our preferences, I think is the
24:52
Speaker 1: most unselfish thing you can do, because I'm not expecting
24:57
Speaker 1: you to leave everything, take everything, take off, move your
25:01
Speaker 1: whole life and come live with me and whatever that
25:05
Speaker 1: brings to you, and like the other way as well.
25:08
Speaker 1: So that's the only thing trying to explaining to someone
25:11
Speaker 1: who will absolutely unwilling to understand, which I feel will
25:15
Speaker 1: be a lot of people in the comments section, But
25:19
Speaker 1: it is what it is.
25:20
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's talk about finances even for a second, because
25:24
Speaker 2: I think people, while I appreciate that to some extent,
25:28
Speaker 2: it takes economic privilege to be able to live apart
25:31
Speaker 2: together in that now you need not one but two houses.
25:33
Speaker 2: But on the other hand, if you're already in your
25:36
Speaker 2: living circumstances and moving would be a greater expense, it
25:40
Speaker 2: might even be the fiscally prudent way of going about things. Yeah,
25:43
Speaker 2: so what was How did you reach a point in
25:47
Speaker 2: your relationship where finances were being shared or was it not?
25:51
Speaker 1: Really? But you know what we used to do was
25:54
Speaker 1: every time I visited him, he took care of everything.
25:57
Speaker 1: I didn't have to spend anything because I spent the
25:59
Speaker 1: media amount of money coming there, and it would be
26:02
Speaker 1: the other way around as well. So no, we did
26:04
Speaker 1: not share. Fine, didn't come to that place where we
26:07
Speaker 1: were sharing finances. But even if it did come to that,
26:12
Speaker 1: then I again feel like it would be such a
26:16
Speaker 1: financially smart way to go because you are still cognizant
26:24
Speaker 1: of how your day to day goes and how the
26:30
Speaker 1: together being together, how that would add to it, how
26:35
Speaker 1: much strain that would add to it. So I think
26:38
Speaker 1: it never reached that place, but if it had, we
26:40
Speaker 1: would have managed it really well. Also, I feel yeah for.
26:44
Speaker 2: Me living alone right now after having lived with Have
26:48
Speaker 2: you ever lived with someone? No, I do not recommend
26:53
Speaker 2: after living with someone. I think that I've sought. Oh
26:59
Speaker 2: I've been sorry. Let me frephrase that having lived with
27:01
Speaker 2: someone and there are some benefits I suppose also to
27:05
Speaker 2: that degree of closeness and things. But now that I
27:08
Speaker 2: live alone and I so desperately wanted it, I felt
27:10
Speaker 2: like my wings had been clipped, you know, and my
27:12
Speaker 2: wings are back. And it's not that I'm going to
27:14
Speaker 2: I don't want to. It's not from many people think, oh,
27:16
Speaker 2: you want to be single so you can have a
27:18
Speaker 2: lot of partners, and no shame on anyone who wants
27:21
Speaker 2: to do that. That's cool too, But that was not
27:22
Speaker 2: the reason I wanted to be single. I wanted to
27:24
Speaker 2: be single because I wanted to be by myself, like
27:27
Speaker 2: truly just give myself time, space, energy, and like choose
27:33
Speaker 2: me right. And so for about a year, after living
27:36
Speaker 2: with my former partner for seven years, I've been I
27:39
Speaker 2: lived entirely on my own for the last one and
27:41
Speaker 2: a half years and not even in any relationship. And
27:45
Speaker 2: now so it was amazing. For one year it was like, yes,
27:48
Speaker 2: my wings, I can walk around in my house and
27:50
Speaker 2: no one's here, no one can just amazing. But now
27:52
Speaker 2: I feel a bit.
27:53
Speaker 1: Like, oh, I wish someone.
27:55
Speaker 2: Was tending to my wings. I don't want them to
27:58
Speaker 2: live in the house. But what it made me understand
28:01
Speaker 2: is there's this sort of tension between freedom and loneliness,
28:05
Speaker 2: Like is loneliness the price you pay for freedom? Is
28:09
Speaker 2: the question I was asking myself. And you know, loneliness
28:11
Speaker 2: it can be an uncomfortable thing, but it can also
28:14
Speaker 2: be actually just a aspect of life. You should wear
28:17
Speaker 2: your adult pants and get used to because like, you
28:20
Speaker 2: can be even with people and feel alone, like we
28:23
Speaker 2: are in many ways alone. I think that we are
28:28
Speaker 2: not designed to be alone, and humans do need a
28:31
Speaker 2: community belonging all of that love, but we also will
28:36
Speaker 2: benefit from being extremely comfortable being by ourselves, and it's
28:40
Speaker 2: almost something we owe ourselves to get to know yourself.
28:43
Speaker 2: So I'm trying to I feel like living a part
28:45
Speaker 2: together would potentially be as close to achieving a perfect balance,
28:52
Speaker 2: especially if in the same city. Between that loneliness and
28:55
Speaker 2: freedom weighing scale that I want to.
28:57
Speaker 1: Like, absolutely, you're still with someone, you still have somebody
29:03
Speaker 1: you are in a partnership with. Is just that you're
29:06
Speaker 1: just not in the same space, So what so it's
29:09
Speaker 1: not so instead of half of you, your personality being
29:13
Speaker 1: somebody else's partner. It's becomes like a fifty percent part
29:18
Speaker 1: of it. The rest of it now is figuring out
29:20
Speaker 1: what do I want, how do I want to grow
29:22
Speaker 1: as a person, and how do I grow as a
29:26
Speaker 1: person with someone else. So the more importance you give
29:30
Speaker 1: to yourself, the better your own relationship will be with
29:34
Speaker 1: that person. And I think because you're not sharing a
29:38
Speaker 1: physical living space with someone, I think it really benefits.
29:43
Speaker 1: And really, you're so right. Being alone is such a
29:48
Speaker 1: great tool, such a great experience. I think everybody should
29:53
Speaker 1: go through, because especially women whose identities just becomes meya partner,
29:58
Speaker 1: may a husband, my boyfriend? Who? What about you?
30:03
Speaker 2: Like?
30:04
Speaker 1: So this, this living situation, this scenario really puts yourself
30:10
Speaker 1: like you'll get You may feel lonely, you may feel alone,
30:14
Speaker 1: you may feel like your life's crashing down, but you
30:17
Speaker 1: may also feel, oh, I can actually do this. I
30:21
Speaker 1: I know how to live by myself. I know how
30:24
Speaker 1: to live with a partner by myself, and it's all good.
30:27
Speaker 1: It works out.
30:28
Speaker 2: Who is Supria like that? One hundred percent Supria Supria
30:33
Speaker 2: that has been able to blossom living alone? And what
30:36
Speaker 2: are some of the things that you love doing that
30:38
Speaker 2: you need your space to do.
30:39
Speaker 1: Oh okay, that's such a good question, and answer the
30:44
Speaker 1: second part first, like, what do I like to do alone?
30:49
Speaker 1: Being alone in the in my own space. I I
30:55
Speaker 1: don't like to feel rushed, Yes, I don't like. I
31:01
Speaker 1: love doing things in my own time, in my own space,
31:08
Speaker 1: and so being alone allows me that that privilege, that
31:15
Speaker 1: time where I can be like I can take my
31:19
Speaker 1: time to even make marcha You know, that's the smallest thing,
31:23
Speaker 1: but it's such a good like it's such a relaxing experience.
31:28
Speaker 1: So I feel when you're not sharing your space with someone,
31:32
Speaker 1: I can take my time and go make a march
31:35
Speaker 1: and it really it sounds really small, but it really matters,
31:39
Speaker 1: like because oh also, I hate sharing my kitchen. I
31:45
Speaker 1: more than a bathroom or a bedroom. If I'm in
31:48
Speaker 1: the kitchen, don't you dare? And no matter what I'm doing,
31:56
Speaker 1: enter anywhere else, just not my kitchen.
31:58
Speaker 2: An exactly, Yes, Okay, time for another little game. So
32:08
Speaker 2: we're going to do this little segment called no Overthinking,
32:11
Speaker 2: where I will just throw some sentences your way and
32:14
Speaker 2: you just say the first thing that comes to mind. Done, okay,
32:17
Speaker 2: one thing you'd never leave at a partner's place.
32:20
Speaker 1: My jewelry.
32:28
Speaker 2: Okay, okay. One thing you hid before they visited. Are
32:32
Speaker 2: going to say that again, One thing you hid before
32:35
Speaker 2: they visit.
32:36
Speaker 1: Like my mess, my piles of clothes, just shoved it
32:41
Speaker 1: in the cupboard.
32:41
Speaker 2: So one thing you absolutely love doing together, I understand,
32:53
Speaker 2: I understand. Okay, one thing you absolutely love doing alone. Okay, okay,
33:08
Speaker 2: golden rule that every couple that's living a part together
33:11
Speaker 2: should follow.
33:12
Speaker 1: Be honest. Don't be like the CEO got caught cheating.
33:17
Speaker 2: At the cost the Colic concert.
33:20
Speaker 1: Just be honest. If you don't want to be in
33:22
Speaker 1: a relationship, end it. Don't go to a Coldplay concert
33:26
Speaker 1: and get caught there. Please don't do it.
33:29
Speaker 2: Ay man, Okay, thank you? All right. So I want
33:35
Speaker 2: to talk about two more things.
33:36
Speaker 1: Yes.
33:38
Speaker 2: One is that I think in the traditional setup of
33:40
Speaker 2: marriage that putty the idea that this man should be
33:44
Speaker 2: a whole world and also actually not just man, even
33:46
Speaker 2: for the man, the woman should be his whole world.
33:48
Speaker 2: This idea that the romantic partner must be the be
33:51
Speaker 2: all and end all of your life, and that's how
33:54
Speaker 2: you ought to behave once you're in a relationship. I
33:56
Speaker 2: think it really is an injustice to the value that
34:00
Speaker 2: friendships can bring into your life, and particularly as a woman,
34:04
Speaker 2: female friendships. Absolutely, do you think this living a part
34:06
Speaker 2: together situation allows for that reality?
34:09
Speaker 1: Tote itself one, one hundred thousand percent, because when you're
34:14
Speaker 1: a woman and you have female friends, there is nothing
34:17
Speaker 1: more nourishing, more fulfilling, more evolved than having those women
34:23
Speaker 1: around you in your life. And also, really think about
34:26
Speaker 1: it makes you realize when you do spend time with
34:29
Speaker 1: your female friends, you're putting on your best perfume, You're
34:32
Speaker 1: wearing your best outfit for what for like going out
34:35
Speaker 1: for a coffee, and you're just doing your best showing
34:39
Speaker 1: up for each other because that's what each other deserves,
34:42
Speaker 1: you know. So, And I feel like those relationships are
34:48
Speaker 1: so meaningful that even if you don't have a relationship
34:54
Speaker 1: with a man or a woman, these are very emotionally
34:57
Speaker 1: fulfilling relationships on their own, and it's very import to
35:00
Speaker 1: have those circles in your life as well.
35:02
Speaker 2: And I think friendship is so resilient. Yeah, my friendships
35:05
Speaker 2: have been far more resilient than my romantic Absolutely never
35:07
Speaker 2: lost a friend.
35:08
Speaker 1: I've never lost a friend too, And because they they
35:12
Speaker 1: just show up when you really need them. And all
35:16
Speaker 1: the things that you potentially cannot discuss with your partner
35:19
Speaker 1: because they are about your partner, you discuss with your
35:23
Speaker 1: friends and they bring such good points of views to
35:27
Speaker 1: the table which you are blindsided you don't know about.
35:30
Speaker 1: And that's why now I have told all my friends
35:36
Speaker 1: and my sister that if I'm getting into a relationship
35:41
Speaker 1: with someone, I need you to be brutally honest with me,
35:44
Speaker 1: like no holds part. Even if you think the slightest
35:48
Speaker 1: thing is off, you have to tell me because maybe
35:51
Speaker 1: I'm not seeing it, and then I will because I
35:54
Speaker 1: love you. I trust your judgment more than anything else,
35:56
Speaker 1: and that's all that matters. Really.
35:59
Speaker 2: I love that. I love that. So why don't we
36:03
Speaker 2: leave all our lovely listeners who have made it this
36:06
Speaker 2: far with some more of your top tips, tip tips,
36:12
Speaker 2: tricks and secrets of making living a part together a
36:18
Speaker 2: grand success.
36:19
Speaker 1: Okay, First is, as I mentioned several times, honesty. You
36:26
Speaker 1: must remain truthful about how are you feeling in this relationship,
36:32
Speaker 1: So have like check ins once in a while. Everything good,
36:36
Speaker 1: do you find something changing? Do you want something else?
36:41
Speaker 1: And if possible, meat as often as you can, you
36:45
Speaker 1: don't have to share your living space. But you should
36:49
Speaker 1: meet each other like you should talk. You should spend
36:51
Speaker 1: time with each other, maybe in a place that is
36:55
Speaker 1: not your house, which, by the way, is such a
36:58
Speaker 1: great idea because you can take trips together. That's different,
37:01
Speaker 1: because that's that that that has a finite end goal
37:05
Speaker 1: like four days. As I mentioned, have fun, do some
37:10
Speaker 1: deep talks, have fun again, leave go on vacations together,
37:16
Speaker 1: and that's such a good thing to do. Maintain your
37:19
Speaker 1: own individuality, live the way that you like to live
37:22
Speaker 1: if you if you can afford to live by yourself,
37:27
Speaker 1: Explore things that make you happy, and explore things that
37:30
Speaker 1: would make the two of you happy together. And don't
37:35
Speaker 1: bother about labels. You know, like I know this is
37:38
Speaker 1: a label, but don't bother too much about what will
37:41
Speaker 1: people think? What will this thing person? Thing? Are we
37:46
Speaker 1: even together if if structurally we are not living together
37:51
Speaker 1: with each other, don't worry about all of those things.
37:53
Speaker 1: If it works with both of you, and that's all
37:57
Speaker 1: that matters. Really, that's it it.
38:00
Speaker 2: I think I don't know why, but while you were
38:03
Speaker 2: saying all of this, in my head, I had to
38:06
Speaker 2: that the lion Murghi al Baraba was coming to mind,
38:10
Speaker 2: And dude, I want the Murghi. Okay, I want I
38:14
Speaker 2: want Morghy. And if we live apart together, you have
38:18
Speaker 2: a higher chance of feeling like Murghi than the altomy.
38:21
Speaker 1: So yes, if I may, no, if I may not, actually,
38:27
Speaker 1: but yeah, you may, you may. The sex is so
38:30
Speaker 1: much better when you're not living. I get you. When
38:35
Speaker 1: you're living apart, there is more like urgency, there's more desire,
38:39
Speaker 1: there is more Oh, I haven't felt this person's presence
38:42
Speaker 1: because if you're there or you want to see them
38:46
Speaker 1: in their worst also, right, like if you're living with
38:49
Speaker 1: each other all the time, but you don't see those
38:52
Speaker 1: parts right when you're not living.
38:53
Speaker 2: Also, you know, like real life is not that drama.
38:56
Speaker 2: It's not Real life is taking the garbage out and
38:59
Speaker 2: doing the dishes and dealing with your parents and his parents.
39:01
Speaker 2: And it's fine, it's fine, it's nice to do that.
39:05
Speaker 2: But like, I'm okay to do that alone. You are
39:06
Speaker 2: that name of myself. You deal with your exactly, and
39:10
Speaker 2: we together we eat chicken exactly.
39:13
Speaker 1: Yes, that's it. That's that's the T shirt. Together we
39:16
Speaker 1: eat chicken. I love it. Thank you.
39:19
Speaker 2: Sopria on that note. Cheers, cheers exactly, cheers. Thanks so
39:27
Speaker 2: much for tuning into Love Matters. Thank you, Syfria, Thanks
39:31
Speaker 2: for having me. Love Matters is produced by The Indian
39:34
Speaker 2: Express and d W and if you'd like to reach
39:37
Speaker 2: out to us, you can write to us at Lovematters
39:40
Speaker 2: at DW dot com. We'd love it if you like, share, subscribe,
39:43
Speaker 2: share this, Tell all your friends to eat chicken metaphorically.
39:49
Speaker 2: We like your vegetarian friends also, and see you next
39:54
Speaker 2: time with the more of the tea, because Love Matters.
40:02
Speaker 2: Eight