Latest / Talking FACS / Keeping Influence: How Parents Shape Teen Behavior

Transcript

Keeping Influence: How Parents Shape Teen Behavior · Talking FACS

• 0:01
  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
• 0:04
  food, finance, and fitness.
• 0:07
  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
• 0:12
  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
• 0:15
  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
• 0:20
  and communities to improve quality of life.
• 0:24
  If you have teens in your household, you know that this is a fun and interesting time for everyone.
• 0:30
  Hello and welcome to Talking FACS, where we share information that you can
• 0:35
  use to strengthen your family, your community, and our state.
• 0:39
  I am your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
• 0:43
  with Family and Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
• 0:47
  My guest today is Dr. David Wiesenhorn, our Extension Specialist for Parenting and Child Development.
• 0:54
  Today, we're going to talk about influencing your teen's behavior.
• 0:59
  Welcome, David. Thank you, Mindy.
• 1:02
  Not an easy task, but one that I think we are all up to.
• 1:07
  Exactly. Teens are fun because you never know what's going to happen.
• 1:13
  That's right. You know, and it's true. It really is. Because of the role that
• 1:16
  I play in teaching parenting, I get a lot of questions when those children become teenagers.
• 1:22
  As David, have I lost all influence on my teens?
• 1:26
  And I think why that question arises is because they've done a little bit of
• 1:30
  the research and they've read that there is research that indicates as my child
• 1:34
  becomes a teen, their friends become more influential. And that is true.
• 1:40
  I am not denouncing or denying that that is a statement.
• 1:44
  But what I do want to remind and what I try and do is remind parents that,
• 1:48
  hey, this doesn't mean that you don't play an influential role.
• 1:52
  You may not be the first one to capture their ear, but you still are playing a big role.
• 1:59
  And so today I hope to share just some four evidence-based strategies,
• 2:03
  how we can continue to feel as if in a parenting role that we're influencing
• 2:09
  our children or specifically our teens' behavior.
• 2:12
  We hope that you've been listening to us for the last eight years and you've
• 2:17
  been building that foundation so that this isn't the first swat that you're
• 2:22
  taking at trying to influence your kids, right?
• 2:24
  For sure. And so it's a balancing of the skills that they already have as their children have grown.
• 2:30
  So you're going to balance a little bit of that understanding,
• 2:33
  communication, and empathy.
• 2:36
  And, you know, it's so easy to say the word empathy, but to really put ourselves in our shoes.
• 2:42
  And I'll get to that point when we get there, but there was a really neat interview
• 2:47
  that I want to highlight. First of all, well, adolescence, let's talk about that for a second.
• 2:51
  Adolescence is a developmental phase that's marked by increased independence, right?
• 2:56
  So a child who's really trying to push forward and do their own thing that they
• 3:00
  might not need as much advice, but they're going to try and kind of do what
• 3:03
  they feel is good, trying to make some decisions on their own.
• 3:07
  There's some emotional growth in that, which oftentimes comes in the form of
• 3:11
  maybe moodiness, Maybe a little bit of sass, maybe, you know,
• 3:16
  maybe a lot of emotion, maybe big anger, maybe big sadness.
• 3:20
  And we'll see that as they continue in that developmental stage.
• 3:25
  And then that identity formation, which I think is where a lot of times peers
• 3:29
  can kind of win on that side of gathering the ear of our teen is who's getting the ear the most.
• 3:36
  Well, it might be because they're really trying to figure out who they are,
• 3:40
  who they want to be in this body of theirs and in this social realm that they get to be a part of.
• 3:48
  So know that it's a little bit of a balancing act, right? But the first thing
• 3:51
  we want to do is it's always communication.
• 3:54
  It's fostering a strong, open line of communication.
• 3:59
  I love what you said that these are normal behaviors.
• 4:05
  Yeah, yeah. And so don't take it personally when your children get moody.
• 4:09
  And don't take it personally when they have these big emotions because they're
• 4:14
  going to happen. And if you've got teens that live next door,
• 4:17
  they're happening there, too.
• 4:19
  So it's not just happening in your house. And so don't get all stressed out about it.
• 4:24
  Mindy, what a good point to really rest on for a minute, because it is true.
• 4:29
  It's really important to know that your teen is not acting as a response to you most of the time.
• 4:36
  They're acting and behaving as a response to what's happening internally,
• 4:40
  what's happening externally and physically a lot of times.
• 4:43
  So it's not just our environments that are creating those things or that internal
• 4:48
  piece, but sometimes just that the literal physical growth of our bodies,
• 4:52
  you know, the development of that, that are creating some of those things. So really good point.
• 4:57
  Not to take that personally, but how do we handle that? Well,
• 4:59
  we begin by just talking as much as you can, as frequently as you can.
• 5:04
  I mean, there's just gobs of research that shows when a parent and a teen have
• 5:09
  constant or regular communication, that that child is going to increase in their academic performance.
• 5:17
  They're going to do better with their mental health.
• 5:19
  And really overall, their well-being will show to be more positive if those
• 5:25
  communications are good.
• 5:27
  So how do we do that, David? What do we do?
• 5:30
  Well, we're going to try and listen and engage as much as we can when a child is speaking.
• 5:37
  And one of the things that's interesting, I'm now entered into that teen world as a parent.
• 5:42
  I have a teen. So some of this is firsthand experience.
• 5:48
  And I was just asking my daughter, I said, what do you think about a lot?
• 5:53
  What's taking most of your time? When you have time to think,
• 5:56
  what is the thing that you choose to think about?
• 5:59
  It was her activities that she has to do each day.
• 6:02
  So she told me that I think a lot about sports. I think a lot about the things
• 6:05
  I'm reading, but also I think a lot about my relationships. I think a lot about my friends.
• 6:09
  And so that was telling. And I said, well, so how do you feel when you're around me most of the time?
• 6:15
  And I said, me and my mom, you know, just to try and get a feel for that.
• 6:19
  Sometimes it's really important. And she said, I mean, I like it until you're boring.
• 6:25
  I was excited about that because she didn't say it was a negative experience
• 6:29
  when I wasn't agreeing with her or when I was doing my role as a parent and
• 6:34
  really allowing and putting down those boundaries.
• 6:37
  It wasn't that. It was just when she thought that we weren't engaged enough
• 6:40
  or we were boring. So that was helpful. And then the last one I said is,
• 6:44
  Are there things about the world or people that you don't understand?
• 6:48
  I offer those to the parents that are listening. Those are some pretty simple questions.
• 6:53
  There are a lot of questions that you can ask, but those can help you get a
• 6:57
  sense of where your child is.
• 6:58
  I think asking questions is one of the best ways that we can gain empathy and
• 7:03
  get real insight into our children's understanding instead of giving things
• 7:08
  to them, which is oftentimes the parental role, certainly when our children are younger.
• 7:14
  But as they get into this teen world, I want to invite parents and encourage
• 7:18
  them to really seek out information about their teens. Ask them a lot of questions.
• 7:23
  Find out what's important to them, how they're spending their time,
• 7:26
  because that'll also help you identify where I need to be listening and maybe
• 7:32
  what I need to be talking more about. Here are some things.
• 7:35
  Okay, so if you're talking about relationships, then maybe my conversation needs
• 7:38
  to be more about what healthy relationships look like. maybe that's a good thing
• 7:43
  because it's of interest to you.
• 7:45
  Asking those questions leads to, I think, the good, strong communication.
• 7:50
  And the more we do that, the more likely our children are to talk to us.
• 7:54
  And the questions that you ask were very general questions. They aren't questions like.
• 7:59
  Well, what is your relationship with XYZ?
• 8:04
  It's tell me about your relationships or tell me about what you like about relationships
• 8:08
  instead of her feeling like you are being very probing and asking very,
• 8:15
  what might feel like personal questions to an adolescent. Right,
• 8:20
  it's not an interrogation.
• 8:22
  It's a conversation. I mean, even when my wife asked me questions,
• 8:27
  if they feel more pointed on end, sometimes it feels hard to answer those questions
• 8:31
  or the question arises, why are you asking me these questions?
• 8:35
  What are you digging at? Right. And so our kids are no different in that.
• 8:40
  And so when we ask those general questions, yeah, I think it does.
• 8:43
  It's important that we say, I said that teens are more likely to listen and engage.
• 8:47
  What I didn't say is more likely to agree and do.
• 8:51
  So just because we're engaging with them, they're more likely to listen to us,
• 8:56
  but that still doesn't negate the fact that they're independent.
• 9:00
  They're seeking independence.
• 9:01
  They're going to try and do some things on their own still. And so while we
• 9:05
  might be talking to them, while we might not see them doing what we're suggesting,
• 9:09
  there is still influence in that.
• 9:11
  They're still doing the next thing, which is.
• 9:14
  They're looking for those boundaries. They're looking for what that regular consistent setting is.
• 9:20
  And so as a parent, just trying to remain consistent.
• 9:24
  I think just the way in which we raise our children, we say,
• 9:27
  hey, here's what you can do.
• 9:28
  And it expands as we get older, as our children get older and they show more responsibility.
• 9:34
  We can expand what it is that we're allowing them to do. But as long as we stay
• 9:38
  consistent as that expansion happens, it really does help drive that communication,
• 9:45
  but also gives you that, that opportunity to offer some choices.
• 9:49
  Hey, so instead, you know, my son doesn't always like to walk to school.
• 9:55
  And so he said, dad, will you take me to school? And I'm like,
• 9:57
  well, you'll have to get there early. If you ride with me, we got to go early.
• 10:00
  So he gets the option of, yeah, I can take you, but you're going to be there
• 10:04
  15 minutes early, or you can walk on your own and you get to do that.
• 10:07
  And so he gets to make some of those, those choices. And those,
• 10:11
  those can be a lot of different ways.
• 10:12
  I can give you a bazillion examples of that. And I won't do that for the sake
• 10:16
  of time, but you get it. Yeah.
• 10:19
  And I love that you mentioned that we're talking about branching out and taking
• 10:27
  some time to be independent because their opportunity to seek independence also
• 10:34
  is not a reflection on you.
• 10:35
  It's just the stage of life. And it's not that they are rejecting you.
• 10:41
  It's just trying to find their own place in the world. Yeah, absolutely.
• 10:44
  And the more we can be clear about our expectations and consistent in that enforcement,
• 10:51
  it helps our teens internalize those rules and it'll help them become better
• 10:56
  decision makers as they continue to seek that independence.
• 11:00
  So the more we share, hey, these are our values. This is what we do. This is how we do it.
• 11:06
  The more we can do that, the more that becomes their guide as they get older.
• 11:11
  The third thing we want to do is we want to be a role model.
• 11:16
  I literally had a parent ask me, how do I teach my child the values that I have?
• 11:22
  What is it the things that I need to say?
• 11:24
  And I said, there's very little to say. If you'll just keep doing the things
• 11:28
  that you want, that you value, your children are always watching you.
• 11:32
  And that doesn't stop when they get to a team.
• 11:35
  They're still watching. As a matter of fact, they're watching perhaps even closer
• 11:39
  than they did before because they're really curious about certain behaviors.
• 11:43
  What does mom and dad do when they get stressed out? What do mom and dad do when they don't agree?
• 11:50
  So they're looking more relationally. What's happening between my parents?
• 11:55
  What's happening in the relationships that they have so that they can begin
• 11:59
  to build and mirror those behaviors and attitudes?
• 12:04
  I think when my children found that there were situations that they were in
• 12:08
  where they weren't real sure how they should behave, it helped to look at the models that we had set.
• 12:17
  And then they could say, okay, this is how mom and dad would have behaved.
• 12:22
  Or this is how mom and dad behave in this situation. And so then I can frame
• 12:26
  how I'm going to behave in that, in the same situation. Absolutely.
• 12:30
  You're not always right there beside them. And so it gives them,
• 12:33
  you know, a frame of reference.
• 12:35
  For sure. Yeah, that's, I mean, I think that's great. And that's what we want
• 12:39
  our kids to do is to follow what we're doing.
• 12:42
  So thinking, oftentimes, thinking twice about your own behavior,
• 12:47
  my children have helped hold me accountable to the things I value.
• 12:52
  If my behaviors don't reflect my values, then they do not hear my values.
• 12:57
  And so I think that's really a critical thing.
• 12:59
  And then the last point that this fourth piece is showing empathy and validating those feelings.
• 13:05
  It was, I think it was an interview with Mr. Rogers and Oprah Winfrey.
• 13:12
  And Oprah Winfrey asked Mr. Rogers, what's the most important thing a parent
• 13:17
  should know about raising children.
• 13:20
  And his response was so much different than what I had really thought on my own.
• 13:25
  But he went to the heart of it and he said that if a parent would just remember
• 13:30
  what it's like to be a child.
• 13:33
  And I think I want to offer that. And that's that last piece.
• 13:37
  And research really shows that recognizing child's emotional struggles while
• 13:43
  they're in that situation really helps them find you as a confidant, as you as the parent.
• 13:50
  So when our children are struggling, and it's so difficult as a parent to watch
• 13:55
  a teen struggle with some of the things that we have grown to know are really
• 14:00
  fleeting and not important.
• 14:02
  But when you remember back as that child, if you remember yourself as a 13-year-old,
• 14:08
  you recognize the value or really the enormity of that.
• 14:14
  Just how important those things were, those emotional struggles,
• 14:19
  I guess, that we were having.
• 14:21
  You realize just the value and how important they felt at that time.
• 14:25
  And so as a parent, to be able to remember that that is really important right now.
• 14:30
  This is a big feeling right here. This is a big step in their development instead
• 14:34
  of quickly saying, oh, you'll get over it.
• 14:37
  It's not that important because we know that as we've developed,
• 14:41
  but they're not there yet.
• 14:42
  So being able to hold that space for them, allow those emotions to be big,
• 14:46
  allow them to be maybe a little outside of reality, right? A little much, a little dramatic.
• 14:54
  It's okay. As long as we can guide them through that and be there for them,
• 14:58
  show them that empathy that's important in that. we again, we gain ground in
• 15:03
  our influential opportunities.
• 15:06
  I think that's a perfect way to wrap this up, David, because if we can just
• 15:11
  understand and remember how it was when we were young,
• 15:15
  then we have gone a long way in giving our children the space they need to grow and learn.
• 15:22
  So true. David, I thank you for your time. As always, our conversations are
• 15:27
  insightful and an opportunity for growth for our parenting styles. Thank you. Yes.
• 15:34
  If you are just tuning in, you're listening to Talking FACS,
• 15:37
  and we are available wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
• 15:43
  Thank you for listening to Talking FACS. We deliver programs focusing on nutrition,
• 15:48
  health, resource management, family development, and civic engagement.
• 15:52
  If you enjoyed today's podcast, have a question or a show topic idea,
• 15:57
  leave a like and a comment on Facebook at UKFCSEXT or send us an email at UKFCSEXT@UKY.edu.
• 16:09
  Visit us online at fcs.uky.edu to learn more about the University of Kentucky
• 16:16
  Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program or contact your local extension
• 16:21
  agent for Family and Consumer Sciences. We build strong families.
• 16:25
  We build Kentucky. It starts with us.
• 16:30
  Thank you.