Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #193 I'll do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#193 I'll do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now when children can have conversations about sex and puberty
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: and intimacy with their opposite sex parent, it's actually a
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: really great learning experience for them. There's a lot of
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: empathy there, and sensitive topics can be broached in really
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: useful ways.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, My mum
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: Hello.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: This is doctor Justin Colson, the author of six books
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: about raising happy families, and Friday is our favorite episode
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: of the week. Really well, we really like it because
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: we get to talk about learnings and insights the I'll
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: Do Better Tomorrow Friday edition Here with my wife and
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: co post podcast co host Gosh, it's hard, you know what.
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  Speaker 3: We've got six kids. Sometimes we get really tired.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: Is it okay to be tired at the end of
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: the week, this is Happy Families totally okay.
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: I don't if I can get my words out today.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: You know, we're feeling a little bit overwhelmed, just you know,
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: kids have gone back to school this week. There's tiredness,
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: there's crankiness there, there's excitement and enthusiasm as well.
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  Speaker 3: It's not all bad, but man.
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  Speaker 2: We're tired. Like that's really the easiest way to say it,
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: isn't it. But we're not going to let that bring
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: us down. Well, you know what might bring us down
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: a bit earlier in the week, I teas that I
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: was going to let everyone in on a bit of
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: feedback that we got. We love it when you send
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: your feedback to us podcasts at happy Families dot com
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: dot au.
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  Speaker 4: We especially love them when they're five stars. But this
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  Speaker 4: one wasn't. And you know, today's actually a really good
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  Speaker 4: day for us to talk about this three star because
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  Speaker 4: this is an opportunity for us to reflect on how
• 1:38
  Speaker 4: we can be better.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so you can email us or you can leave
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: reviews at Apple Podcasts, which is how people find out
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: about the podcast, and SK seven eight zero seven eight
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  Speaker 2: has left us a three star review. Now, this is
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: I think the first time ever that we've had anything
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: other than a five star review. And when I first
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: saw it, I wanted to cry into my hands. I
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: was like, no, what's happened? We've upset so well.
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  Speaker 4: What I actually loved about this, though, is she's done
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  Speaker 4: it in such a wonderful way that she hasn't actually
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  Speaker 4: pulled us to pieces, but she's acknowledged this is maybe
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  Speaker 4: not the right place for her to be right now.
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: Well, I would still like you that it is anyway,
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  Speaker 2: Let's read the review. SK seven eight zero seven eight
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  Speaker 2: said three stars. I want to love it so at
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: least we sound like we're nice people. She wants to
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  Speaker 2: like us, Maybe doesn't, but but.
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  Speaker 4: She likes sas she just doesn't like what we're doing.
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  Speaker 2: Have really enjoyed your content over the years, Just feel
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: that the podcast is sadly getting a little too white
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: picket fence for me. Perhaps it's just not the right
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  Speaker 2: choice for me, though I'm sure the content is still
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: helpful others. As a parent myself with the history of
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: trauma and facing some tough issues, it can just make
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  Speaker 2: me feel more down when I listen to Joevir. Conversations
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  Speaker 2: between yourself and your wife's obviously addressed. To me issues
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: are well over simplified, and there's lack of deep, lack
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: of deep diving into harder content.
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  Speaker 3: Wishing you all the best regardless.
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  Speaker 4: So it's probably my fault.
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  Speaker 3: You're just a ray of light? Is that the problem? Stopping?
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  Speaker 4: So I told you your podcast was too heavy and
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: too intellectual for me.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: Well, you know, I really love it when people tell
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: us what they think, and I'm grateful for SK's three
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  Speaker 2: star review. I mean, I would have preferred a five
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: star review, and we really like it when you leave them.
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  Speaker 2: But what this tells me is that actually, I've got
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  Speaker 2: to be a little bit, a little bit unapologetic. We
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: are doing our very best as a couple to have
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  Speaker 2: a happy family, and I think based on the families
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  Speaker 2: that we talk to that I work with that write
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  Speaker 2: in and I'm not saying this sort of, you know,
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  Speaker 2: in a head swell kind of way, but I think
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  Speaker 2: we actually do have a pretty happy family, and you
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  Speaker 2: and I have a relationship that I think is just extraordinary,
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  Speaker 2: and so I get what's going on there. But I
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  Speaker 2: don't think we should also. I don't think we should
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  Speaker 2: be apologizing for that, because doesn't everyone want a happy family?
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  Speaker 3: And that's what we're about.
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  Speaker 2: We want people to have that happiness and that goodness
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: that we most of the time enjoy.
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  Speaker 4: In my experience, as we've you know, kind of journey
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  Speaker 4: through life, and we've had some pretty life spaces in
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  Speaker 4: the time that we've been together, as well as the highs.
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  Speaker 4: I've just found that, you know, when we're in those
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  Speaker 4: dark spaces, kind of focusing on the darkness and focusing
• 4:10
  Speaker 4: on the heaviness of life can be overwhelming.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it can be.
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  Speaker 2: And I mean we talk about some deep stuff, but
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  Speaker 2: it is the podcast for the type poor parent who
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: just wants answers now, So we can't go really deep
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: and have like a full one hour therapy session.
• 4:24
  Speaker 4: And I think that's the great thing about what Happy
• 4:26
  Speaker 4: Families has created here because the podcast is one only
• 4:29
  Speaker 4: just one space where you can get answers from. But
• 4:33
  Speaker 4: if there are some issues that we're not tackling by
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  Speaker 4: all means, contact us.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, send us an email.
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: Podcasts at happy families dot com DOTU. We have a
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: membership with Premium members get a fortnightly Q and A
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: or a monthly Q and A depending on with our
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: calendaring where you get to ask the deep heavy questions
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: and get my one on one responses because we are
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: about making families happier.
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  Speaker 3: But SKA, we are so grateful for your feedback. We
• 4:57
  Speaker 3: wish it was a.
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  Speaker 2: Five star feedback. We hope you're still listening and I
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: re I can. Well, today let's talk about how we're
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: going to do better tomorrow. Let's look at the insights
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: and the learnings that we've had from this week.
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  Speaker 3: Do you want to go first or should I?
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  Speaker 4: Oh, I think you should.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, Well, I've been thinking about this for a few
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: days because a couple of nights ago, I was in
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: a really bad mood.
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  Speaker 3: I don't know how else to say it. I was
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  Speaker 3: I was told, you've had a bad week. I've had
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  Speaker 3: a bad three weeks.
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  Speaker 1: I had.
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  Speaker 3: The last few.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, I've kind of dropped hints in the podcast
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: that the last couple of weeks has been really stressful
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: with the kids at home.
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  Speaker 3: I'm trying to juggle work.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: You've of course been getting all set for your brand
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: new studies. We've had pressure with family stuff. There's just
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: been so much going on. And the other night I
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: had some bad news during the day, and then I
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: had some bad news again during the afternoon, and that
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  Speaker 2: was on top of some bad news the day before.
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  Speaker 2: And most of this is, you know, sort of business
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: stuff and money stuff and all that horrible stuff that.
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  Speaker 3: I really wish that I didn't have to even think about.
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  Speaker 3: But it's part of life. We've all got to juggle
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  Speaker 3: it and deal with it.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm upstairs, We've had dinner, I'm in a bad mood,
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  Speaker 2: and then it's time for all in. This is a
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  Speaker 2: bit where our family all goes into the kitchen together
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  Speaker 2: to clean up.
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  Speaker 4: And supposed to take us ten minutes. If we all
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  Speaker 4: come together, we're supposed to have it all done.
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  Speaker 3: Kids had attitude and they were rolling their eyes and
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  Speaker 3: they were.
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  Speaker 2: Being painful about it, and they were refusing to participate,
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  Speaker 2: and I just I got cranky and I said, fair income.
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  Speaker 2: You know, your kids are ungrateful, and I'm working my
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: backside off and We've got bills and I'm stressed out
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: of my brain and you can't even wash some dishes
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  Speaker 2: and we work so hard for you. And I really
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  Speaker 2: sort of laid the guilt on, and then I felt
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  Speaker 2: bad because they all came, you know, sullen faced, into
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  Speaker 2: the kitchen and picked up details and started to clean up.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: And I said, oh, look, music always makes our family happier. Tonight,
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  Speaker 2: we're going to do some music appreciation, which music appreciation
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  Speaker 2: really means I'm going to play music that I like
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  Speaker 2: and you kids going to le to appreciate it. And
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  Speaker 2: so I put on some guns and roses.
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  Speaker 3: Yes you did, which you didn't appreciate.
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  Speaker 4: Well, look on no member Rane hits that it's the stereo.
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  Speaker 2: It's eight or eight or nine minutes, said, it's just
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: eight or nine minutes of So I cranked up Paradise City,
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  Speaker 2: you know, take me down to the.
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  Speaker 3: Parrots, and I was just thinking this is great.
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  Speaker 2: And then November Rain came on and I was rocking
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  Speaker 2: out to November Rain and it really lifted my mood.
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  Speaker 4: Well it did, and it actually spent the kids dishwashing
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  Speaker 4: up because they wanted to get out of there as
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  Speaker 4: fast as they could.
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  Speaker 3: It didn't lift anybody else.
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  Speaker 2: Everyone else was cranky as anything, and so the kids like,
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  Speaker 2: can we listen to something else that?
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  Speaker 4: You know?
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  Speaker 3: The song so long?
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  Speaker 2: And Annie said to me that I just don't like
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  Speaker 2: rock and roll, and that reminded me of Bob Seeger.
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  Speaker 3: Old time rock and roll.
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  Speaker 2: So I put that on and threw the dishes in
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  Speaker 2: the sink and grabe hole of Annie and started dancing
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  Speaker 2: around the kitchen, which meant that Lily and Emily wanted
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: to dance around the kitchen, and Ella got in on
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  Speaker 2: the act. And then I started dancing with you, and
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  Speaker 2: then I remember you know the Beatles had that song
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  Speaker 2: just let me hear some of that rock and roll music.
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  Speaker 2: So I didn't put the Beatles one on. I like
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  Speaker 2: the mentipal was anything one version of it better, And
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: you know, we just we went from being Captain cranky
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: to being so delighted with life in a matter of
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: minutes because of the music and the dancing and the
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: physical touch and the closeness and there was laughter and
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: summersaults and spirals and pirouettes and docy does and jiving
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: and we just you did save the night. It was
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: one of those insights where you just think, if I
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: want to do better tomorrow, maybe I should play more
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: guns and rows.
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  Speaker 3: I mean maybe I maybe I should crank up the
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: music and get everyone involved and.
• 8:32
  Speaker 4: Just give me a little bit of time. So like,
• 8:33
  Speaker 4: get some are plugs for everybody else.
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you. So anyway, that was my
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: that was my I'll do better tomorrow moment.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: That was my learning. I'm really interested in what your
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: one is. Let's find out next.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Families podcast.
• 8:47
  Speaker 4: For a happier family, try a Happy Families membership, because
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: a happy family doesn't just happen.
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: Details at Happy Families dot com dot au.
• 8:57
  Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for a time
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: parent who just wants answers now, And today we have
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: talking about the insights that we've had through our journey
• 9:05
  Speaker 4: this week as parents.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'll do better tomorrow. This is where we kind
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: of play our week apart and say what went well?
• 9:11
  Speaker 3: What did we learn? What mistakes did we make? Perhaps
• 9:14
  Speaker 3: so I learned that music.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: And dancing really makes for a happy family, especially when
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: you're a bad mood. What was your I'll do better
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: tomorrow moment this week? Missus Happy Families, Kylie, Well, this.
• 9:24
  Speaker 4: Actually highlights your parenting again. But it was really wonderful
• 9:29
  Speaker 4: to be a fly on the wall that day.
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: Oh do I get a gold star? I'm feeling like
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: I might have had a better week than I thought.
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: I don't think that I've had a good week, but
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: that's wonderful.
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: What happened? What did you catch me doing? So?
• 9:40
  Speaker 4: I had been doing some work around the house and
• 9:43
  Speaker 4: kind of in the lead up to the kids going
• 9:45
  Speaker 4: to bed, and I walked into the living area and
• 9:48
  Speaker 4: all of a sudden, I heard your voice talking about
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: tampons and sanitary pads and the women's reproductive system and
• 10:00
  Speaker 4: what is going on? And you had our three youngest
• 10:05
  Speaker 4: sitting around you on the couch.
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: So Emily's six, Lily's ten, and he's thirteen, and they
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: were sitting.
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  Speaker 3: Beside me while I read them a book about puberty.
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: Yeah, so we had this book arrive in the mail
• 10:16
  Speaker 4: this week.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: Shout out, by the way, can I just before you
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: talk about the story itself, I need to give a
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: shout out to Michelle Mitchell. She's a Queenslander who has
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: been talking to young people particularly and to parents as
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: well about a range of topics. She wrote a great
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: book about sself harm a couple of years ago, and
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: she's just released some books about puberty, one for girls,
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  Speaker 2: one for boys. And I've been looking for a really
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: good puberty book for a while.
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: And these we've gone through a few. We have gone
• 10:45
  Speaker 3: through a few.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and these are really really great for kids just
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: before or just entering puberty. Probably not so useful once
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: you've had those initial conversations and they're older, but these
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: are great, I mean, really really good introductory puberty books.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: And the kids, well, I mean they've been really engaged
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: with me while I'm talking to them about the women's
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: monthly Cycle and all that sort of stuff.
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  Speaker 4: And what I loved about that experience was just the
• 11:12
  Speaker 4: fact that so often those conversations are left up to mum,
• 11:17
  Speaker 4: and we're not always comfortable having these kinds of conversations,
• 11:22
  Speaker 4: and our kids aren't comfortable coming to us, and you know,
• 11:25
  Speaker 4: in our home, we've tried to create this climate where
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: they know that they can come to either of us
• 11:30
  Speaker 4: to have those conversations anything. And what I loved was
• 11:34
  Speaker 4: just how comfortable you were in that space to kind
• 11:37
  Speaker 4: of even just read the words, like there are some
• 11:40
  Speaker 4: people that can't even say the words.
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: It's just too hard.
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: And so I loved that, and I loved the kids' responses,
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: and I loved as you as you were reading, you're
• 11:49
  Speaker 4: kind of like, hang on a sec and you'd ask
• 11:51
  Speaker 4: me to kind of clarify something because you weren't sure,
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: and it.
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: Was can I just stop you there?
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: What I've just said is that this is an introd
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: book about puberty, and yes, the guy and his all
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: getting dangerously close to fifty still needed to check with
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: his wife about some of these things. So maybe there's
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: a bit more depth they than I thought. I don't know,
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: but I just loved that.
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: I just loved that you were having that conversation with
• 12:17
  Speaker 4: the kids. And I have been told by the children
• 12:21
  Speaker 4: that you are leaving the male reproductive system to me.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: I am, in fact, we're up to those pages right now.
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: I'm hoping that by the end of the weekend you'll
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: have gone through those pages with them. My figure, if
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: I can go through all the womanly stuff with them,
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: you might just spend a few minutes with them on
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: the manly stuff. I think. I. In fact, there's some
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: research around that shows that when children can have conversations
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: about sex and puberty and intimacy with their opposite sex parent,
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: it's actually a really great learning experience for them. There's
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: a lot of empathy there, and sensitive topics can be
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: broached in really, really useful ways. Some of the research
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: does suggests that this is better than talking to the
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: same sex parent. Now obviously same sex parents, you know
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: the girls talking to girls about girly things and womanly things.
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: That has its advantage as well, But overall, what matters
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: most is that the children can talk to their parents
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: about it. So I'm so glad that you walked in
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: and heard that. How funny was it so emily. I mean,
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: she wasn't really paying attention. I didn't think She's climbing
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: over the lounges and she's drawing on the floor, and she's.
• 13:24
  Speaker 3: Just kind of in our space.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: And then every now and again she'd be like, Dad,
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: what's and then she'd ask a question about what we
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: were reading. I'm like, oh, do I really want my
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: six year old learning about all this already? But I
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: actually do, because she's learning that it's no big deal
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: and it's natural and it's healthy and it's just what
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: women's bodies do. And I'm so grateful that she's just
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: learning it and such a simple, matter of fact way.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: So I'm glad that you enjoyed that entertainment.
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: And like, I'm not so sure I'll enjoy having to
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: do the readings tonight.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: I'll wait to.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: Find out how you enjoy talking about penises with our girls.
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: That's going to be really interesting. I might just be
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: the fly on the wall for you.
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: Well, you never know what you might hear.
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: Hey, we really hope that you enjoy the podcast. We're
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: so grateful that you listen and participate. We welcome your
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: feedback by leaving either a review at Apple Podcasts, or
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: by sending us your emails podcasts at happyfamilies dot com
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: dot au. When you leave those reviews, we'll give us feedback.
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: It helps other people to find the podcast, and it
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: helps us to make the podcast better for you. So
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: thank you so much for your feedback and for being
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: in touch with us those of you who do that.
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: Our podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media,
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: and our executive producer is Craig Bruce. If you'd like
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: more information about how your family can be happier, especially
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: if you're currently a three star family and you'd like
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: to be a five star family, perhaps like sk who
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: left that review for us earlier in the episode, we
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: really recommend you check out our Happy Families memberships. It's
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: all found at happy families dot com dot au. Ye