Latest / The Breakfast Club / Best of Full Interview: Mel Robbins Talks 'Let Them Theory;' Career Journey, AI & Social Media Effects, Mental Health +More

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Best of Full Interview: Mel Robbins Talks 'Let Them Theory;' Career Journey, AI & Social Media Effects, Mental Health +More · The Breakfast Club

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Wake that ass up in the morning.
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: The Breakfast Club.
• 0:05
  Speaker 3: Morning.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Everybody is thej Envy just hilarious. Charlamagne the guy. We
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: are the Breakfast Club. Law La Rosa is here as well,
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: and we got a special guest in the building. Ladies
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: and gentlemen, Meil Robbins.
• 0:17
  Speaker 3: Welcome.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: Hey, it's good to see you. How you feeling warning,
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: I feel great? How are you doing?
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: Bless Black and Holly favorite. This is your first time
• 0:23
  Speaker 3: in this studio. You were here in twenty twenty one
• 0:26
  Speaker 3: when you had a high five theory. Yes, yes, but
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: now millions of books later, number one podcast in the
• 0:32
  Speaker 3: world right now that relation six year old woman, you know,
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: and it really feels like you've truly arrived. What do
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: you what do you think?
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: You know?
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: The success? What's made all this new success happen?
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: Well, you know it's not new success. Like what you're
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: seeing is the result of fifteen years of just boring,
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: grueling daily reps. Like That's what nobody wants to understand,
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: is that you can be successful and achieve anything you want.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: You just have to be patient. You have to get
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: up out of bed every single day and put one
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: foot in front of the other. You got to be
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: willing to do the things you don't feel like doing
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: in the dark when nobody's watching, and when you think
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: that it's not gonna happen for you. That is what
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: it's about. It's about just consistent, small moves, being patient.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: I mean, there were so many times where I was
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: just like, am I ever gonna get out of it?
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: Is anyone ever gonna notice?
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: Like?
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: Am I ever gonna get invited to the breakfast club?
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: Like one of the like when is somebody gone to notice.
• 1:33
  Speaker 3: Your spot that you want it?
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: Well? No, but seriously, like you kind of sit there
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: because I mean every one of us have had those moments,
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: whether you're putting out music or you're starting a YouTube
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: channel or you started a business, and it's so easy
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: to look around at what everybody else is doing and
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: think that you're losing some race in life. The real
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: game is with yourself. Can you keep going? Can you
• 1:53
  Speaker 2: say to yourself? And this is kind of how I
• 1:55
  Speaker 2: would keep myself going in those moments. I would say,
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: fuse to believe that this is how the story ends.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: I believe that at some point all of this work
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: is going to pay off. I don't have to know
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: how I have to believe that it will. And if
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: it hasn't yet, it's not meant to yet. There's some
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: lesson There's something I'm being held for that I don't
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: know what it is. But if I choose to believe
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: in this moment that things are going to get better,
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: that things are going to turn out for me, that
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: all this hard work is going to pay off, that
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: trying to be a better person is going to pay off,
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: at some point I will look back on my life
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: and say, oh, that's why it didn't happen. Then, Oh,
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: that's why it took longer. Oh that's why either you
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: weren't ready or God the universe was holding you for
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: a different moment. And so, you know, a lot of
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: people ask me, what is this moment about. I think
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: it's about fifteen years of ridiculously hard work becoming a
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: better person. I think it's about fifteen years of just
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: chipping away at getting out of debt and doing better
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: in my marriage, you in a better mother, and get
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: in control of my emotions and my mental health, chipping
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: away at building a business. And I truly believe that
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: I was being held for this moment like this, one
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: thousand percent is my legacy.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: Well, let me ask you a question. Mal you talk
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: about the reps yep for you it worked out and
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: successful and great. What about that person that is just
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: not good?
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: Right?
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: That rap of that is not good? Like trying that
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: podcast person that is doing the podcast that is just
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: not good and everybody just stay good good to anybody?
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: Well I don't, I see, I don't believe that.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: And but when do you stop because you're a sixty
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: year old rapper like you know I mean?
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: Or maybe why can there be a ninety one ninety
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  Speaker 2: year old one? See? Maybe what the rapping is for
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: is maybe it's not about rapping. Maybe there is something
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: that you're doing when you are rapping and nobody's coming
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: that is teaching you a lesson about patients. Maybe what
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: it's doing is teaching you to believe in your when
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: nobody else does. And every time that you show up
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: and nobody's there, every time you post a video on
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: your YouTube channel that only your uncle and your son
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: are subscribed to, every time you post, you're basically saying,
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: you know what, screw the world, I believe in myself.
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  Speaker 2: I'm doing this for myself. And maybe you're not gonna
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: be a rap.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: And I think that's the key that you said. I
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: think you know with the podcast explosion, everybody did a podcast.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: Everybody's mama did a podcast, everybody's grandmama did a podcast.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: But I think the reason that people have done it,
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: and I think people can see through it, is a
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  Speaker 1: lot of people did it for financial Yes, they seen
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: the money that people were making and said I want
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: to jump on that train, or they seen the money
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: that rappers were making and I wanted to jump through
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  Speaker 1: that train. So it doesn't matter if you're doing it
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  Speaker 1: not for the right reason. I don't think it might
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: not never connect because your intentions aren't there.
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: But hold on a second. See, I actually believe everybody
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  Speaker 2: has woven into your DNA this intelligent design and this
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: kind of energy that is either pulling you toward things
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: or repelling you from other things, that we are natural, energetic,
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  Speaker 2: magnetic beings. And this isn't just some woo woo garbage
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  Speaker 2: like there is hard science, not my science, but neuroscientists
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: that will tell you that everything is physics and energy.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: Like the words if you're hearing us speaking right now,
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: what you are you're watching us? The words coming out
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: of my mouth are being translated through energy into your ears,
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: and so you are a being that is wired to
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: align with things that are meant for you and to
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: reject things that aren't. I mean, you know, like if
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: you walk in a room and you immediately connect with
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: somebody that's alignment. If you walk into a room, you're like, oh,
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: let's give that person some spaith because you can read
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: the energy that's alignment. And so for me, when you
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: give the example of like the person who's rappers just terrible,
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: just tell there's lots of people out there doing stuff
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: they're just terrible. What I love is that they felt
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: called to do something. I don't care if they felt
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: called to do it because they want to make more money.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: I mean, hell, I was working five six jobs back,
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: you know, fifteen years ago when we were eight hundred
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: thousand dollars in debt because I needed groceries on the table,
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: I needed gas in the tank. And so motivation to
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: be safe and to make money or because of your ambition,
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: that's a beautiful thing. But at some point you're gonna go,
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: I'm not that good at this, but I believe, and
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: this is what I think is super cool about life.
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: Absolutely every experience that you have in life is leading
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: you somewhere and teaching you something. And I'm gonna one
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: of the reasons why I share so much about what
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: I've learned and the mistakes that I've made. I'm like
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: the villain in every book, is because I'm stubborn, Like
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: it takes a sledgehammer from the universe for me to
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: wake the hell up and stop doing something like I
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: literally get so into my groove, whether it's drinking too
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: much or taking my stress out on my kids or
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: being a jealous, insecure friend that things have to backfire
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: for me to wake up and go, well, yes, I
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: better try something different.
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: So when you were in bed stuck at that lowest moment,
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: when you was in debt, what was that pivotal realization?
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: What was that sledge handle? Because I remember you saying
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: that you had the realization that nobody was coming to
• 7:09
  Speaker 3: save What did it feel like to face that truth.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: It's very similar to that moment that you told me
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: about with the steel toilet. See, you're one decision away
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  Speaker 2: from a different life, and you can make that decision
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  Speaker 2: any moment, any day, like you could make a decision
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  Speaker 2: today that changes the trajectory of your life, because a
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: decision turns you in a different direction. Anybody that has
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: gotten sober, anybody that's quit a job, anybody that's left
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: a relationship or moved. You know what I'm talking about,
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: That there is a decision and typically I don't know
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: how it works for you, But for me, I have
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: to get so sick of where I am that I'm like,
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: I'm done, like enough of this smell. And for me,
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: that moment, you know, was two thousand and eight. We
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: were eight hundred thousand dollars in debt, I was unemployed,
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: my husband's restaurant business was going under. Three kids under
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: the age of ten, and I was drinking myself into
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: the ground. I couldn't get out of bed. And I
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: think that what's interesting about life is even in moments
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: where you're struggling, you kind of know the things you
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: could do right. You kind of know when you're not
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: like doing things to help yourself, you kind of know,
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: Like I knew you should get out of bed, I
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: knew I should stop drinking. I knew I should look
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: for a job. Wasn't doing any of it because I
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: didn't feel like it. I had lost hope I was
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: kind of in this mode. And this is what I
• 8:30
  Speaker 2: also believe you and I talked about this when you
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: know you were on my podcast that I think the
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: single biggest thing in people's way, it's not a lack
• 8:38
  Speaker 2: of skills, it's discouragement. If you don't believe that the
• 8:42
  Speaker 2: simple things are going to work for you, you're not
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: going to do it. And that's where I was. I
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: was like, why even bother getting out of bed? I'm
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: about to lose this house and my marriage and my sanity,
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: everything I care about. Why why bother? And you know
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: my moment the decision was. I saw this rocket ship
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: one night when I was drunk on bourbon, and it
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: gave me this idea that maybe maybe I should launch
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: myself out of bed. Maybe if I moved fast enough
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: in the morning, I wouldn't be in the bed when
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: the depression and the anxiety hit. And so the next
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: morning it was a it was a Tuesday morning in
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: February two thousand and eight. The alarm went off, and
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: I remembered that stupid rocket launch idea, and for whatever reason,
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: I just started counting backwards like Nasada's five four, three
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: two one, And then I got out of bed, and
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: that was the beginning of a completely new life because
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: it was like that first domino that tips, and it
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: gave me this thought, oh wait a minute, I can
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: actually make myself do things that I don't feel like doing. Huh.
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: And you know, the truth is when people ask me, okay,
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: you're having a moment, that was what it wear. The
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: math is like what fifteen years ago, sixteen years ago?
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: It took me sixteen years from that moment to get
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: to where you are now. It took me sixteen years
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: of pushing my ass out of bed every day. It
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: took me sixteen years of taking a breath and not
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: screaming at my kids. It took me sixteen years of
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: showing up and doing things when nobody was paying attention
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: and learning, you know, from every little thing, and sixteen
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: years of saying, one of these days, all this hard
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: work is going to pay off. One of these days,
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: I'm going to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: One of these days, I'm going to like help people
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: that are struggling and that felt as bad as I did,
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: know that they're not alone. One of these days I'm
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: going to actually like myself instead of constantly hating myself
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: and trashing myself for all the things I think I
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: did wrong.
• 10:36
  Speaker 3: You know, in Charch we call that a testimony, So
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: it was like God put you through all of those
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: trials and you would have a testimony for this moment.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: Yes, and the true skill other than like, I think
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: there's two incredible skills that I developed during this period
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: of my life. The first one is teaching myself that
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: if you just do the things you don't want to do,
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: you will have everything you ever wanted. I'm gonna say
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: that again, if you just do the things you do
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: not want to do, you will have everything you have
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: ever wanted.
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: Expound on that well, I.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: Mean, think about it, like, if you want to make
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: a million dollars, here's my recommendation. Go to chat GTP
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: and type in how do I make a million dollars
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: in the next two years? Give me a day by
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: day plan that I can execute in fifteen minutes, and
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: it will probably teach you step by step how to
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: launch a business online and get into affiliate marketing. And
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: if you actually do those things, you will have a
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: million dollars in the bank. There are formulas for everything
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: you want in life. To lose weight, to find love,
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: to heal your formulas everywhere far love.
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Oh, of course, Lauren, you try that one.
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: That ain't gonna work.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: For you, Lauren, I'm good, Yes it is. Do not
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: put discourag.
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: I don't even engage in conversation with neg I just
• 11:46
  Speaker 4: let them.
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you know what I mean.
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: I want to go back to something that you just said,
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: because it's true. Right, somebody out there listening to you
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: and they was like, that ain't gonna work, And that's
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: exactly why you're not gonna.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: Get it correct. Of course, that's exactly why you're correct.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: And so here's the other thing I want to tell you.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: That really is a skill that really helped me. So
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: if you look backwards at your life, you can see
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: every twist and turn and every experience, even the ones
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: you didn't deserve, even the ones that were not your fault.
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: You can look in the rear view mirror and actually
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: see how it all led you here, and that there
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: were lessons or things that led you here. The skill
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: that I want you to understand that you also have
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: is that you could actually stand in this moment, no
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: matter how horrible it is, and you can say I
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: choose to believe that in the future, I am going
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: to get a point where there is a bigger possibility
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: for myself in my life that I can't even imagine
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: for myself right now. But I choose to believe that
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: I will get to that point fifteen years from now,
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: ten years from now, and I will look back on
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: this low moment where I didn't believe and I will
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: go that's why, that's why that happened.
• 13:02
  Speaker 4: Do you believe that? So you believe that every single
• 13:04
  Speaker 4: person has that in them or not has it in them?
• 13:07
  Speaker 4: Because I believe that. But do you believe that every
• 13:08
  Speaker 4: single person at some point in their life will unlock that?
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: No?
• 13:11
  Speaker 4: Okay, because for me when I am reading through this,
• 13:14
  Speaker 4: a lot of what you're saying is common sense stuff.
• 13:16
  Speaker 4: But I think even when you think about if you
• 13:17
  Speaker 4: have a friend group and there's two people who are
• 13:19
  Speaker 4: really successful and two people that aren't, the difference is
• 13:22
  Speaker 4: just what they choose to actually do this book, If
• 13:25
  Speaker 4: I'm a person at choosing not to do that, how
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: does your book stop that? Like that's a habit, that's a.
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a great question. So there's two things about that.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: So if you're in a friend group and you got
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: two people who are successful and two people aren't. One
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: thing I do want to validate because I do think
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: in like kind of in culture, there's this myth that
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: everybody's got the same resources. Not everybody has the same resources.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: So you might be in a friend group where there's
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: two people that ended up not having college debt, so
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: they started at a different starting line, and so there
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: might be things that are actually real things that contributed
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: to somebody's success. Though, is a huge piece of it,
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: because I do believe, especially in today's world, with technology
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: and with the amount of information out there, that if
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: you commit yourself to learning new skills and to just
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: chipping away at it and continuing to show up, there
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: are so many people on this planet, there is enough
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: success for you, and you can figure it out over
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: time if you keep chipping away at it. And so
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: you know, the question is what's in it? In this book?
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: The let them theory is going to help you because
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: if you're tired, if you're overwhelmed, if you're feeling like
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: you keep trying and nothing is clicking, the problem isn't you.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: The problem is you unknowingly give all of your power
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: to other people. You give power to what people say,
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: how they feel, their expectations, what they're doing, and when
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: you care more about what other people think, and when
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: you are navigating life based on what other people's expectations
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: are from you look first line. There you go.
• 14:55
  Speaker 4: Yes, that's the biggest thing that for me with this book.
• 14:58
  Speaker 4: I was like mom saying that when it's in a book,
• 15:01
  Speaker 4: I listen, let.
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: Them think bad thoughts. Oh, I want to just set
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: it up about the book.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: Man.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: There's some books that I believe are must reads in life.
• 15:10
  Speaker 3: To let them Theory by Mel Robbins has been added
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: to that must read less. My wife got it for
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: me a few weeks ago, and the book is just
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: essentially about how you have to stop wasting your life
• 15:18
  Speaker 3: on things that you can't control.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: When did you get to that rebels, Oh my god,
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: fifty four. I am a learner, you know. And the
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: funny thing is is I'm married to the chillist dude
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: on the plan. I mean, I'm married to a man
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: who is not only Buddhist, he is a death duela.
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: And like when you want to talk about like a person,
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: yeah that can just sit in stillness. I'm like a
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: tornado of emotion. And so I've always wanted to let
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: things go. I've always wanted to not care what people think.
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: I've never known how. And see, when you're stressed, or
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: you're easily offended like I used to be, or you
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: have a lot going on, it is very hard to
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: not get wrapped up and what other people are thinking
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: and doing. It's very hard to not let what your
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: kids are going through stress you out. And so you know,
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: I've been trying to do this forever. I mean, this
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: is not a new idea. The serenity prayer is the
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: let Them theory. In fact, you know, I sat down
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: with doctor Martin Luther King the third and his wife
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: and Andrea, and they both said, we write about it
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: in the let Them Theory. They both reflect on the
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: fact that this concept that you have to give up
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: control in order to gain control, that your power is
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: in your response, that this is part of doctor Martin
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: Luther King Junior's legacy because your response is what dictates
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: who you are. It's not what's happening out there, it's
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: how you respond to it with your thoughts and your
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: actions and how you process your own emotions. And so
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: I did not know this until I was fifty four
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: years old. And you know for me personally the power
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: of these two words, because let them We've all said
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: let them in our lives a bazillion times. I mean,
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: there's a sermon's circulating. It's twenty years old, Dad Jakes
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: doing this let them sermon. So this is a concept
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: that has been around since the beginning of time, and
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: that's why this is resonated. I'm not teaching you something new.
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: I'm reminding you of what you already know to be true,
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: and I'm handing you this tool so you can snap
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: out of this crap where we're constantly worked up about
• 17:19
  Speaker 2: what other people are doing to take her power back.
• 17:22
  Speaker 4: You talk about managing other people a lot, and I've
• 17:25
  Speaker 4: never heard the term put like that, but you use
• 17:27
  Speaker 4: it to basically talk about how we're so what you're
• 17:30
  Speaker 4: talking about r now, we're worried about other people, but
• 17:32
  Speaker 4: also too, I think it's expectations of other people that
• 17:35
  Speaker 4: we're trying to we're making decisions based around that a lot.
• 17:38
  Speaker 4: When did you realize this whole scale of like managing
• 17:41
  Speaker 4: other people and learning when the clock out of that
• 17:44
  Speaker 4: job of trying to do that well?
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: So what it's going to happen is this. So when
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: you start using the let them theory, and it's so
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: easy to use the next time you're stressed out or
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: annoyed or frustrated, and it's always with other people, just
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: say let them. That's how you use it. Let them,
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: and you're gonna immediately feel peaceful. Your mom's in a
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: bad mood, Let her be in a bad mood. Some
• 18:03
  Speaker 2: old friend of yours is talking, Let them talk trash.
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: Why you're not allowing it? When you say let them,
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: you are reminding yourself there's one thing in life I
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: can't control. It's what other people say, do, believe, feel,
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: and it's my job to So when you start saying
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: let them, and you detach yourself from the responsibility of
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: having to manage somebody else, something interesting happens. You realize,
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: oh my god, I've lived my life in reserve reverse.
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: I actually live my life giving time and energy trying
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: to manage what other people think. I have kept myself
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: in a major or in a relationship, or in a
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: situation because I'm afraid to disappoint my parents or my friends.
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: I mean, how many people keep drinking or keep going
• 18:50
  Speaker 2: out at night when what they really want to do
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: is launch a business, And so they don't like take
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: the weekends to work on the things that they want
• 18:58
  Speaker 2: to work on because they feel like they don't want
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: to disappoint their friends or people going to talk about them.
• 19:02
  Speaker 2: That's you giving power to other people. Like another way
• 19:06
  Speaker 2: that we give power to other people is we, you know,
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: get so focused on the headlines that we gaslight ourselves
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: into believing that you have no power. It's complete garbage.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: Of course you have power.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: I wish you would have a couple of weeks ago.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: We'll continue on.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: And so when you start saying let them, it's sort
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: of this revelation where you're like, oh my god, I
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: spend so much time and energy worrying about other people.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: I spent so much time and energy letting them stress
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: me out.
• 19:31
  Speaker 4: But is there a level of like when that becomes
• 19:33
  Speaker 4: easier versus harder? Because when you were just talking, I
• 19:35
  Speaker 4: thought about Michelle Obama. In the podcast one of the
• 19:38
  Speaker 4: podcasts she did this week, she was talking about how
• 19:40
  Speaker 4: she realized she was doing a lot for other people
• 19:42
  Speaker 4: not thinking about herself, and she started making decisions for herself.
• 19:45
  Speaker 4: So she's going place so she wants to go and
• 19:46
  Speaker 4: do things like that, and they think she's divorce because
• 19:49
  Speaker 4: of it. But it's like, she's Michelle Obama, so it's
• 19:53
  Speaker 4: hard for her to like the noise is so it's
• 19:57
  Speaker 4: a lot louder for her well.
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: Of course. But whether or not you pay attention to
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: that is within your control. Whether or not you look
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: at your phone, and we're all guilty of it, whether
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: you are Michelle Obama or you're just going into your
• 20:12
  Speaker 2: middle school, whether or not you give attention to the gossip,
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: you look for, the gossip, you mainline it, that is
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: within your control. If you say, I can never, ever, ever,
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: ever stop somebody from lying about me, from making up
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: stuff about me, from saying whatever they're going to say,
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: So why on earth what I spend any time and
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: energy managing it? And then you go let me This
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: is the second part of the theory. Once you say
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: let them, let them think negative thoughts, let them make
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: up all kinds of crap, Because if you know you're
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: not getting divorced, what do you care about these idiots
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: saying let me remind myself that I know the truth.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: And when you know the truth about who you are,
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: you don't think about other people. When you live your
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: life in a way that makes you proud, you don't
• 20:59
  Speaker 2: think about other people.
• 21:01
  Speaker 3: I tell them all.
• 21:02
  Speaker 4: You told me to read your book, and I was,
• 21:04
  Speaker 4: and I already had the book because I think Eddie
• 21:05
  Speaker 4: had given it to us a minute and I was like, oh,
• 21:07
  Speaker 4: I got the book, and for.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: You got it. It will change your Damn. I'm telling
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: you it will change your life because.
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: But you have to get to that stage, yes, because
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: it's it took me a while to get to that stage.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: It took a while that.
• 21:18
  Speaker 4: You think he was born that way, and.
• 21:24
  Speaker 3: So I've never truly cared, right, But then even when
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: I started to care, I realized things like the serenity prayer,
• 21:29
  Speaker 3: a little simple things that you saw sitting in your
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: grandmother's house. You realize that is absolutely the true of God, Grammy,
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: the serenity. Excepting things I cannot change, courage change the
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: things I can, and wasn't no difference. And the easiest
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: way to let go of what you can't control is
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: just realizing you never had control to begin with.
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: And here's another thing that's really important. That's why you're
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: gonna love it, is that what ol stirt to happen.
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: When you say let them, is it's not that you're
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: allowing people to do bad things. They're already doing bad things.
• 21:54
  Speaker 2: You're recognizing that it's not your job to manage other people,
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: because this is a book that's about power and control
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: and peace. Then you say, let me remind myself how
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: I respond to things. Actually is where my power is.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: So do I give this any time and energy or not?
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: Do I double down on just living my life in
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: a way that makes me proud of myself, which is
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: where your power is. And the thing that also changed
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: me dramatically is I couldn't believe how much stress I
• 22:27
  Speaker 2: felt and how I was bracing all the time. And
• 22:32
  Speaker 2: when you start to say let them, and you release
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: that kind of obligation to make other people happy or
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: to make everybody know that you're not divorced, or that
• 22:42
  Speaker 2: everything's okay, or like, just let them think whatever they
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: want to think and live your life in a way
• 22:47
  Speaker 2: that makes you proud. You're going to get all this
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: time and energy back. And what I love about this
• 22:53
  Speaker 2: is when you're less stressed and when you're not bracing
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: all the time because you know your boss is narcissistic.
• 23:00
  Speaker 2: So why on earth would you walk into work assuming
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: that today's going to be anything other than what it
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: already has always been. Let them be who they are.
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: I love the Managing Stress chapter, and in that chapter
• 23:10
  Speaker 3: you say you can't control how other adults behave and
• 23:13
  Speaker 3: stressing about it diminishes your power. You'll never reach the
• 23:17
  Speaker 3: full potential of your life if you continue to allow
• 23:19
  Speaker 3: stupid things to rule, people to drain your life for
• 23:22
  Speaker 3: can you yes?
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: Yes, So the two most important resources that you have
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: in life time energy, That's what you got. How you
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: spend your time, where you put your energy, it actually
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: determines your experience of life. And that's why I say,
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: if you have this experience right now where you're exhausted
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: and overwhelmed and nervous and you're not like feeling like
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: you can ever have time for yourself or your goals,
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: just start clicking. You're not the problem. The problem is
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: all this time and energy you spend dealing with other people,
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: and so let them is a boundary that you draw
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: where you start to recognize, Okay, I'm going to let
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: other people think and feel and do and have their opinions,
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: and I'm going to let them be disappointed. I'm going
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: to let them misunderstand me, and I'm going to let
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: me really take that time and energy back and pour
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: it into working on myself and staying in my piece.
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: And what I've found is that when I'm less stressed,
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: which i am because I'm not allowing stupid stuff for
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: other people to stress me out, I'm actually a better person.
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: I make more money because I can use my brain
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: instead of being in fire or flight. I don't like
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: vomit on my kids, my emotions. Like I used to
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: be the kind of person that would come in at
• 24:37
  Speaker 2: you know, after work and be yelling at everybody or
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: mad at the dog for crying out loud, and then
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: I'd be like, I'm sorry, it's a bad day at work,
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: stressful day at work with the dogs. You know, they
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: kind of do this and then they come back and
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: they're really nice because they they literally dogs don't like
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: punish you for that. And it's so sad that I
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: used to leave the worst of me the people I
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: cared about the most and then blame it on the
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: stress of the day. That By the way, when you
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: use the let them theory, you have control over whether
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: or not. This stuff gets to you.
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: It's funny. I walked into a hotel t heere and
• 25:14
  Speaker 2: everybody that was at the check in descer like, let them,
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: we love this. I'm like, well, if you work retail,
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: which I have in my life, if you work in
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: a restaurant or hospitality having to deal with people, you
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: gotta let them. You gotta let them, Like, do not
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: let somebody's rudeness actually get to your spirit? Protect it
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: because your time and energy matters, and it's important. And
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: this is these are two boundaries. Let them be, because
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: the more I let other people be who they are,
• 25:42
  Speaker 2: the better my life gets. The more I let other
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: people live their lives, better my life gets because I
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: am protecting myself from unnecessary stress and drama, and I'm
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: reminding myself powers always in here. And that's you know.
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: You asked me earlier, do I really believe that actually
• 25:58
  Speaker 2: everybody has in them a unique path and gift? And
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: I said yes. And I think the reason we don't
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: unlock it is because we have given all of our
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: power to something outside of ourselves, and so we have
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: forgotten who we are. We have forgotten what it feels
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: like to be peaceful. We have forgotten how much of
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: a difference we can make in our families and our
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: communities because we've just run ourselves ragged, allowing the problems
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: of the world to bring us down. And that's not
• 26:28
  Speaker 2: to say there are problems. What I'm here to say
• 26:30
  Speaker 2: is we need you to be in your power and
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: in your peace so that we can better respond to
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: the problems in the world.
• 26:39
  Speaker 3: Isn't that society's fault because society makes us focus on
• 26:42
  Speaker 3: the external so much and not enough on the internal.
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: Well, I if you blame society, you give society the power.
• 26:51
  Speaker 2: I think that there are ways that we've been manipulated
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: through social media. I think there are ways that we
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: have gotten lazy. I think it's very problematic that we've
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: got and away from the underpinnings that have really kept
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: people tied to community, whether it's church or its synagogue,
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: or it's a mosque, or it is volunteering in your community,
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: whether it is schools having more funding, whether it is
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: you know, people prioritizing a day of rest over running
• 27:20
  Speaker 2: your kids all over for sports. Like, we have forgotten
• 27:23
  Speaker 2: the things that actually matter in life, and we're now
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: spending six hours a day on the phone. And so
• 27:32
  Speaker 2: if you blame the phone, which yes, it's designed to
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: be addictive because the more time anybody spends on it,
• 27:38
  Speaker 2: the more money people make because you're seeing ads. That's
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: why it's addictive. It's just like a slot machine. And
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: so that's not your fault. But when you wake up
• 27:46
  Speaker 2: and recognize, wait a minute, do I actually want to
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: give that much power to that thing? Isn't the phone
• 27:51
  Speaker 2: supposed to be a tool that I can use for
• 27:53
  Speaker 2: self expression, communication and to make money? Why am I
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: the tool here? When you see that, then you take
• 28:01
  Speaker 2: your power back it. So it's sort of like this
• 28:02
  Speaker 2: thing like you can't actually get sober until you stop drinking.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: You can't take control of your life until you stop
• 28:08
  Speaker 2: giving all the control to everything else.
• 28:11
  Speaker 3: Let me do it.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: I have a question. Yeah, in chapter five, you say
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: let them think bad thoughts about you, right. The question
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: with that is is when a lot of people, sometimes
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: especially on social media, right, nobody facts checks anymore, So
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: sometimes you might not care. You can let them think
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: what they want to think, but that could affect your
• 28:34
  Speaker 1: overall business.
• 28:35
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: And we see that a lot, right, because people don't
• 28:38
  Speaker 1: clear and people don't do homework, right, So if Lauren
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: says something about somebody, people might automatically think it's facts.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: It's the truth. People don't do that homework. But that
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: could affect your reputation. That can affect your business. That
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: could affect the way that your kids, teachers look at you,
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: or business that comes around. So what do you do
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: in that example, because you still want to fix your
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: reputation right, It might not be that you care, but
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: you want your legacy to go how things are factual,
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: and that happens a lot, especially somebody and I'm sure
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: that's happened to you in what are you doing well?
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: So here this is a very tricky question because you're
• 29:13
  Speaker 2: talking about the pr and the media swirl that has
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: a life of its own, which, by the way, you're
• 29:19
  Speaker 2: never going to be able to control. And it's actually
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: getting worse with AI because AI, you like you guys,
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: watch this Google Like if you ever go and Google
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: yourself every couple days, the way AI talks about you
• 29:34
  Speaker 2: changes every day. And because we all are broadcasters and
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: we talk about all different types of topics. Like two
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: days ago, AI was reporting that I was divorced because
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: I was talking to somebody who was divorced on the podcast,
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: like it's not like I don't care, like I'm not divorced,
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: but you know what I mean, and so so it's
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: just kind of a joke on some regard and so
• 29:55
  Speaker 2: kind of understanding the ecosystem that you're in, because if
• 29:59
  Speaker 2: you've got a business risk issue, then you need to
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: make a very clear statement about what's truth and what's
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: not and then do not feed the fire, because the
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: more that you feed the fire, the more legitimacy you
• 30:13
  Speaker 2: give to this thing. And there are two kinds of
• 30:15
  Speaker 2: people in the world. There are people who are intent
• 30:18
  Speaker 2: on seeking the truth, and there are people who are
• 30:22
  Speaker 2: intent on misunderstanding and spreading gossip. There are people who
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: think about ideas and there are people who think about people.
• 30:31
  Speaker 2: There are people who are able to be intelligent and
• 30:36
  Speaker 2: rational and really look at a situation, and then there
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: are people who are intent on feeling powerful by stepping
• 30:43
  Speaker 2: on other people's heads. And that is just the world
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: we live in unfortunately. So pr is a little bit
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: different in personal, Like, I think it's really important to
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: understand who you are, whether you're dealing with rumors at
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: a middle school or you're dealing with rumors in your community,
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: or you've got somebody in your face family trash talking you.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: In order to repair your reputation, it is better to
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: show than to tell. In my opinion, you prove the
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: truth based on how you show up in life, not
• 31:13
  Speaker 2: based on the words that come out of your mouth.
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: And if there is somebody spreading things about you, the
• 31:19
  Speaker 2: best way to handle it is to go directly to
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: that person and to ask them about it. You know,
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: I understand that you've been saying such and such about me,
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: which is not true. Can you help me understand why
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: you would be talking about me like this? Because people
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: who gossip don't ever think that anybody's ever going to
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: say anything because they're gossiping because they want to feel
• 31:41
  Speaker 2: more powerful than you when you have the ability to
• 31:45
  Speaker 2: let them say negative things. Okay, I just found out
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: about it. Let me choose is this something I want
• 31:50
  Speaker 2: to actually address or is this just data where I go? Okay,
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: now I know who this person is noted. Now I
• 31:56
  Speaker 2: adjust my time and energy and whether or not I
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: hang out with you. Because those kind of people, the
• 32:01
  Speaker 2: people that gossip about you, ultimately end up crumbling anyway,
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: because it always catches up with them, and.
• 32:07
  Speaker 3: I love that chapter. You know, to let them think
• 32:09
  Speaker 3: bad thoughts about you, and you say, stop allowing other
• 32:12
  Speaker 3: people's opinions to hold you back from pursuing what you
• 32:16
  Speaker 3: want and limiting the potential of your one, wide and
• 32:18
  Speaker 3: precious life. It goes back to what you said discouragement,
• 32:21
  Speaker 3: because when you hear that things, you get discouraged, and
• 32:24
  Speaker 3: then you get down and you stop. But I truly
• 32:27
  Speaker 3: believe nothing can stop the destiny God has planned for
• 32:30
  Speaker 3: you unless you stop.
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you're the only one that can stap yourself. I
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: believe that. Now. That does not mean there aren't very
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: real obstacles. That does not mean that you're not in debt.
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: It does not mean that you you know, if you
• 32:42
  Speaker 2: have a criminal record, You have a criminal record, and
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: there are going to be things that are in your
• 32:45
  Speaker 2: way and people that will discriminate against you based on that.
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: As a former public defender, I freaking hate that that
• 32:51
  Speaker 2: is true, because I do believe that we need to
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: have the kind of society that allows people to change.
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: I agree we have to, yes, and so there are
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: very real things in your way. That said, I believe
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: in your capacity to figure it out. I believe in
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: your capacity to tap into something that is bigger in
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: terms of your potential. And I think people believe that
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: too in themselves. Like you know, it's it's the reason
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: why when you hear an incredible sermon or you see
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: a movie and you get all choked up, it's not
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: because of what you're watching on the TV. It's because
• 33:25
  Speaker 2: it's resonating with something that is deeply true in here.
• 33:29
  Speaker 2: And I think that's why this let them theory has exploded.
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: It's because I'm reminding you of what you know to
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: be true about life and about yourself.
• 33:39
  Speaker 3: And if you feel it whenever you talk, whenever you talk, period,
• 33:42
  Speaker 3: but especially when you talk about to let them theory,
• 33:44
  Speaker 3: it is something internally that wakes up in me. It's
• 33:49
  Speaker 3: like just a fire, like, oh, it's just a reminder
• 33:51
  Speaker 3: of like you said, what you already know.
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a It's an incredible thing. And what I
• 33:56
  Speaker 2: also love about it is, you know, it's kind of
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: flying around social being because when you say let them,
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: you feel superior to other people. I'll let them go
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: away without me, let them walk out the door, let
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: them cheat on me. But the let me part reminds
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: you that the only change in a relationship. It never
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: comes from other people. It always comes from you and
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: you changing how you show up. And so the irony
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: of this, it probably should be called the let me theory,
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: because it actually brings you closer to the people you
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: care about because instead of trying to change people, instead
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: of constantly being annoyed at your mom's mood or you know,
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: or thinking you know better than what your kids are
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: doing now and they're oh, people feel that judgment. And
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: so there is distance right now in your relationships, particularly
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: with your family, because we're judgy with our family. But
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: when you start to let them, you create this space
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: that is so awesome where you see your parents, or
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: you see your kids, or you see your brother and
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: sister as they are. And then it's on you to
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: how do I love this person as they are instead
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: of constantly wishing they'd be different.
• 35:05
  Speaker 4: That's how I was going to ask you, is how
• 35:06
  Speaker 4: do you figure that out? Because sometimes that creates the
• 35:08
  Speaker 4: distance too. When you can't figure that out, you're like,
• 35:11
  Speaker 4: I'd rather just not because you don't want to interact
• 35:13
  Speaker 4: and something goes wrong or you say something wrong or
• 35:15
  Speaker 4: you offend somebody.
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so it's a great question, and you have to
• 35:19
  Speaker 2: do it literally day by day. Like you get to
• 35:23
  Speaker 2: choose if somebody's in a bad mood and they're the
• 35:25
  Speaker 2: kind of person that gets very emotionally immature and they
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: pout and then you know, they kind of go silent
• 35:30
  Speaker 2: on you, you get to choose. Okay, I'm gonna let them
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: be annoyed about this thing. I'm gonna let them be
• 35:36
  Speaker 2: disappointed that I'm not gonna make it to the family
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: such and such thing. Okay. Well. One of the cool
• 35:42
  Speaker 2: things about really giving somebody the space to feel what
• 35:45
  Speaker 2: they feel is it made me realize disappointment's actually a
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: really good thing because if somebody's disappointed that you're not
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: coming home for the holidays, it just means they love you.
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean you have to go. It just means
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: that they just really wish you were there. Same thing
• 36:03
  Speaker 2: with business. If you have a business partner and you
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: can't make it to something, if they're disappointed, that's a
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: good thing. Like what do you want your business? Parder
• 36:12
  Speaker 2: be like, oh, you can't make it, Thank God, I
• 36:14
  Speaker 2: can't stand that guy. No, Disappointment's great, but it doesn't
• 36:17
  Speaker 2: mean you have to take that feeling away by changing
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: what you're doing, and in that space you get to say,
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: what do I value? What do I need to do
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: for me? What kind of person am I? Am I
• 36:31
  Speaker 2: showing up because I feel guilty? Or am I showing
• 36:33
  Speaker 2: up because based on my values, family is important? So
• 36:36
  Speaker 2: I am actually going to bend over backwards ago Not
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: for them, I'm going because it says something about me
• 36:41
  Speaker 2: and what's important to me. So I think we've also
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: gotten to this point where relationships are so transactional. We
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: text somebody, we expect to text back, you know, we
• 36:50
  Speaker 2: do this, we expect you to do something back, and
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: so we're constantly waiting for the return. What if the
• 36:57
  Speaker 2: secret to relationships was actually being way more flexible and
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: just going what kind of person am I? Am I
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: the person that makes the plans? Am I the person
• 37:03
  Speaker 2: that reaches out? Not because I expect someone else to,
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: but just because that's the kind of person that I am.
• 37:09
  Speaker 2: And it's really shifted for me with friendship, this sense
• 37:13
  Speaker 2: of okay, am I in? Am I out? You know?
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: Are they a friend? Are they not? And you start
• 37:17
  Speaker 2: to realize there's so many more people in your life
• 37:20
  Speaker 2: than you realize that care about you. There's so many
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: people that are rooting for you when you start to
• 37:25
  Speaker 2: let other people live their lives and make their plans.
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: But if you're the kind of person that wants to
• 37:30
  Speaker 2: stay to connect it to people, you just reach out
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: just without expectation or return, you will be shocked at
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: how much more comes back to you when you're not
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: gripping it so much and you're just doing it because
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: it makes you feel good to check in on people.
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: That's right.
• 37:43
  Speaker 3: I want to go back to something else, because you
• 37:45
  Speaker 3: know you were a public defender. I know you did
• 37:48
  Speaker 3: a little bit of radio, but I know some people
• 37:50
  Speaker 3: hear this conversation because you mentioned being in debt a
• 37:52
  Speaker 3: lot eight hundred thousand dollars in debt.
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: That's a lot.
• 37:54
  Speaker 3: Some people have never seen eight hundred thousand dollars. So
• 37:56
  Speaker 3: you had to have some times.
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: I didn't have eight hundred thousand dollars. I had a house, okay,
• 38:00
  Speaker 2: and we took out a home equity line. We then
• 38:06
  Speaker 2: and cash that sucker out. We took out a bazillion
• 38:08
  Speaker 2: credit cards. We had a little bit of savings and
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: we cashed that out. We cashed out a little bit
• 38:13
  Speaker 2: of the kid's college fund, and we took a loan
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: on a car, so there was like that. And then
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: what happened is they started factoring, which is a I
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: mean predatory lending, which basically means every time they swipe
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: a credit card at a restaurant, they're charging interest toward it,
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: which was part of our guarantee. And then so it
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: was that's not like we had that as a nest egg,
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: but you.
• 38:38
  Speaker 3: Had to have some type of success though. Oh before yeah, well.
• 38:41
  Speaker 2: Well, I mean yeah, I mean I was a public
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: defender and then I worked for a large law firm,
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: and then in nineteen ninety nine I kind of got
• 38:48
  Speaker 2: into that first dot com thing in Boston, and so yeah,
• 38:51
  Speaker 2: you know, we were in that stage of life, three
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: kids under the age of ten. I'm working, my husband's working,
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: We're making the ends meet.
• 38:58
  Speaker 3: Yeah, but you just felt like, this isn't what I'm
• 39:01
  Speaker 3: supposed to be doing.
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: Well, yes, what happened is in two thousand and eight,
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: I had tried to do something in the media business.
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: And it's a long complicated story, but I basically got
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: cast to be on a reality show that I was
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: going to host, where it was going to be like
• 39:18
  Speaker 2: an extreme business makeover show. And remember that move the
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: bus show, so they wanted to do that for businesses.
• 39:25
  Speaker 2: And by the time we went to shoot the show,
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: they had changed the show entirely and it was now
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: called Someone's Got to Go. And I was the host
• 39:32
  Speaker 2: of a show. Get this where people were going to
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: get fired on national television, on a reality show from
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: real jobs, and I wasn't firing them. You were voting
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: a colleague out. It was Survivor in an office place.
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: So we shot two episodes. It was a disgusting show.
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: I was literally popping xanax because I was having panic
• 39:51
  Speaker 2: attacks the entire time. So I'm like, this is not
• 39:53
  Speaker 2: what I signed up for. The show gets tabled and
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: I got held in one of those non compete cons
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: track things, and I didn't have a job. And this
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: was right at the moment where my husband's first restaurant
• 40:06
  Speaker 2: had done well. Why well, I mean they were doing okay,
• 40:09
  Speaker 2: you know, they were successful, they could pay their bills,
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: friends and family had invested, and then they were They
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: raised a little bit more money from friends and family
• 40:17
  Speaker 2: to open two more locations, and the whole thing imploded.
• 40:20
  Speaker 2: So now I'm unemployed. Friends and family have invested, they're
• 40:23
  Speaker 2: working their tails off to keep this thing afloat. We
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: both feel like we have royally screwed up our lives.
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: I feel like I've been a public defender. I've worked
• 40:32
  Speaker 2: in a law firm, I've worked at three different startups.
• 40:35
  Speaker 2: I've tried life in business coaching. Then I did this
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: show which I thought was going to be our meal ticket,
• 40:39
  Speaker 2: and now all of a sudden, I'm in a non compete.
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: I can't get a job. And some people would say, well,
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: just go back to the law. I'm like, do you
• 40:44
  Speaker 2: know when you are in that position where you think
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: you royally screwed up you have you do not have
• 40:52
  Speaker 2: any confidence? How do you go get a job when
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: you're like, I don't have any worth? And I got
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: to pretend that everything's okay because friends and family have
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: invested in this business and the doors are still open
• 41:02
  Speaker 2: and they're trying to save it. That was the backdrop
• 41:06
  Speaker 2: at the age of forty one, and you know, I think, yeah,
• 41:08
  Speaker 2: I'm a big visualizer, and you know I love vision
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: boards and that kind of stuff, but never in a
• 41:13
  Speaker 2: million years was the vision for my life. Okay, at
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: age forty let's make a vision board. I'm going to
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: paste an image of getting divorced and being bankrupt and alcoholism.
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: No people, but I'm like the Maserati and the beach shaft.
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: So when when your life takes a turn, you're like,
• 41:27
  Speaker 2: I didn't plan for this. It's surprising how you can
• 41:33
  Speaker 2: know what you should be doing, but all motivation to
• 41:36
  Speaker 2: do it's gone. And that's when I created that five
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: second role of the countdown five four three two one
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: to just get myself out of bed.
• 41:43
  Speaker 3: You know you were in the book you talk about
• 41:45
  Speaker 3: how you felt paralyzed by imposter syndrome, especially when you
• 41:48
  Speaker 3: were teaching. Yeah, the five second rule. I wonder what's
• 41:50
  Speaker 3: changed since then, Like, we'll gives you the confidence and
• 41:52
  Speaker 3: authority now to feel like you can go out here
• 41:55
  Speaker 3: and teach, to let.
• 41:55
  Speaker 2: Them do that's a great, great question. So you know
• 41:58
  Speaker 2: how well, first of impostor syndrome is deeply misunderstood. So
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: imposter syndrome does not mean that you don't belong in
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: the room you're in. Imposter syndrome means you actually want
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: to be in the room you're in, and there's skills
• 42:15
  Speaker 2: or there's experience that you need to gain in order
• 42:18
  Speaker 2: to dominate in that room. Imposter syndrome is actually not
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: self doubt. It's ambition.
• 42:23
  Speaker 4: And so explain that a bit because it's always been
• 42:26
  Speaker 4: said the other way.
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And so if you really think about it, if
• 42:29
  Speaker 2: you walk into a room and you don't feel imposter syndrome,
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: it's because you don't want to be in that room.
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: You don't care what people think about you in that room.
• 42:39
  Speaker 2: If you walk into a room and you feel a
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: sense of imposter syndrome, it's because you care about what
• 42:45
  Speaker 2: people think about you in that room. It means your
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: ambition wants you to succeed in that room.
• 42:49
  Speaker 4: Oh, like push to stay sharp, correct, okay.
• 42:53
  Speaker 2: And also like, hey, I want to actually succeed around
• 42:57
  Speaker 2: people like this, which means what are the skills I need?
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: What's the experience I need to set myself up? This
• 43:03
  Speaker 2: is like a wave of your calling and your ambition,
• 43:07
  Speaker 2: Like I actually want to feel good in this room.
• 43:09
  Speaker 2: So it's not a sign that you don't belong there.
• 43:11
  Speaker 2: It's a sign like, hey, there's some work to do
• 43:13
  Speaker 2: and you can dominate in that room too. And so
• 43:16
  Speaker 2: to your question about how do I have the confidence
• 43:18
  Speaker 2: to do it? I think it's literally because of the
• 43:22
  Speaker 2: fifteen years of just walking into rooms and sharing what
• 43:28
  Speaker 2: was going on. And you know, once the five second
• 43:30
  Speaker 2: rules started to spread around on social media and people
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: would call me and say, hey, would you come talk
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: about this thing? And I would go they weren't paying me.
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: I mean I would stand at a brown bag lunch
• 43:40
  Speaker 2: twelve years ago and teaching somebody's office, you know, a
• 43:45
  Speaker 2: little real estate office in the break room with the fridge.
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: It's got the moldy food in it. Like that was
• 43:50
  Speaker 2: how I started and what I gain, what I started
• 43:53
  Speaker 2: to understand, And I think it explains a lot about
• 43:56
  Speaker 2: like why I am who I am is that I
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: were all the same. Everybody is dealing with the same stuff. Yes,
• 44:04
  Speaker 2: it's easier if you have more money and more resources,
• 44:06
  Speaker 2: but at the end of the day, everybody's got a
• 44:08
  Speaker 2: family member that they're worried about. Everybody has ambition they're
• 44:11
  Speaker 2: not tapping into. Everybody has things that they want to
• 44:15
  Speaker 2: pursue in their life, and they're kind of letting themselves
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: down a little bit. Everybody struggles with a little bit
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: of uncertainty and anxiety at times. Everybody has hopes and
• 44:25
  Speaker 2: dreams and feels a little discouraged and overwhelmed. And when
• 44:28
  Speaker 2: you start at a baseline that people would love to thrive,
• 44:34
  Speaker 2: and people thrive when they can, and if they can't,
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: I believe it's because they're discouraged or there's some skill
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: building or some experience or you know, some mentorship that's missing.
• 44:46
  Speaker 2: That's it, but that you're built to thrive. And so
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: when you really start at that baseline, whether you're like,
• 44:53
  Speaker 2: you know, I make it a practice. By the way,
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: this is this is one thing that'll change your life
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: when you go into a public bath through two things.
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: I always leave the space better than when I found it.
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: I always clean public bathroom. No no, no, literally literally, that's
• 45:11
  Speaker 2: why I don't go into that stall. But no, I
• 45:17
  Speaker 2: gotta because if somebody like destroy especially women, if somebody
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: destroys the seat, peas all over it and then they leave,
• 45:24
  Speaker 2: that is a human being that is so disconnected from
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: the interconnection of the human experience. You are leaving that
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: for another person. And so making sure that you don't
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: leave your mess for another person, making sure that you
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: just kind of wipe down the counter. And then here's
• 45:43
  Speaker 2: the second thing. If there is a human being cleaning
• 45:45
  Speaker 2: that bathroom, please look at the AI and say thank
• 45:47
  Speaker 2: you Like that, right, there is a simple thing that
• 45:55
  Speaker 2: will make you start to shake out of that woe
• 45:59
  Speaker 2: is me or that's stress or that overwhelm. Let them
• 46:03
  Speaker 2: know you appreciate and see what they're doing because it
• 46:06
  Speaker 2: changes who you are. And then you start to see
• 46:10
  Speaker 2: all day long that there are like you know, I
• 46:12
  Speaker 2: can't look, I'm gonna cry, people are just walking around disconnected.
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: And the power of starting to be the one that
• 46:23
  Speaker 2: wakes people up. Hey you know, I always get to
• 46:26
  Speaker 2: know or hey, how's everybody doing? Like it's shocking how
• 46:30
  Speaker 2: we have gotten so far away from that sense of community.
• 46:33
  Speaker 2: And there's actually research around this. They call it either
• 46:36
  Speaker 2: weak ties. I call them warm connections. Those people that
• 46:39
  Speaker 2: you see in the building every day that you say
• 46:40
  Speaker 2: hello to the person that's walking the dog that you know,
• 46:44
  Speaker 2: know the name of the dog in your neighborhood. These
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: relationships matter because they make you feel human again.
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: Like you said, it has to get back to community,
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: has to be to wait at we raise our kids.
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: We have a six kids, but I have one kid, Jackson,
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: and he does that times fait and it's just something
• 47:02
  Speaker 1: that's taught, that's seen. You know, when we get off
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: an airplane, we think the pilot. Yes, you know, when
• 47:06
  Speaker 1: he plays basketball, he thinks the ref, He thanks the coach.
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: He looks them in the eye and you can see
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: from their reaction they don't get that that much. But
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: for him, he always says, I'm grateful because he didn't
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: have to do that right, And that comes from we
• 47:21
  Speaker 1: have to be a community again and start teaching from
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: a young age so our young kids could teach their kids,
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: could teach their kids, could teach their kids. Because it's
• 47:29
  Speaker 1: kind of like a lost art mall.
• 47:31
  Speaker 3: You just fucked me up with something so similar too,
• 47:34
  Speaker 3: because I hate dirty bathrooms. I hate when I walk
• 47:36
  Speaker 3: in the bathroom if somebody leaves shit in the toilet,
• 47:39
  Speaker 3: if it's a public restroom and they leave the toilet
• 47:42
  Speaker 3: lineer around the stead, I'm like, how could you do that? Like,
• 47:44
  Speaker 3: don't you know somebody else is going to use this?
• 47:46
  Speaker 3: Even in my own house? You know, I got young kids,
• 47:48
  Speaker 3: so you're not too mad about it, But I'm just like, yo,
• 47:51
  Speaker 3: pay attention because there's other people that's using these bathrooms.
• 47:53
  Speaker 3: But you just explained it in such a way. Those
• 47:55
  Speaker 3: people are so disconnected from the human experience. Yes, people.
• 47:59
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, and like this is where let them comes
• 48:02
  Speaker 2: in that I think people can can't let them that again,
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: Hold on a second, it's it's the reason why people
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: are so disconnected is because the compounding stress and overwhelm
• 48:13
  Speaker 2: that comes from allowing the world to beat you down
• 48:18
  Speaker 2: and the discouragement that compounds that is what is in
• 48:22
  Speaker 2: people's way. I think we are innately built and wired
• 48:26
  Speaker 2: to be connected to one another. That is our nature.
• 48:30
  Speaker 2: We are innately wired to really like stay connected to ourselves.
• 48:36
  Speaker 2: That is our nature, That is our intelligent design. It
• 48:40
  Speaker 2: is woven into your DNA and the state of the
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: world right now, I think is a reflection of the
• 48:48
  Speaker 2: collective disconnect. You know, I really feel like there is
• 48:52
  Speaker 2: this massive awakening that is building and that in life
• 48:59
  Speaker 2: there is always this balance between the negativity and the
• 49:02
  Speaker 2: overwhelm and the toxic stuff that's going on out in
• 49:05
  Speaker 2: the world and in the headlines, and people then waking
• 49:09
  Speaker 2: up and going I forgot what mattered. I forgot why
• 49:12
  Speaker 2: this is important. I need to get to work. I
• 49:15
  Speaker 2: need to stop whining and worrying and you know, just
• 49:19
  Speaker 2: gaslighting myself that there's nothing I can do, and this
• 49:22
  Speaker 2: is oh there's always something you can do. You have
• 49:25
  Speaker 2: to wake up and recognize that it's not going to
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: happen out there, it's going to happen in here.
• 49:29
  Speaker 4: When you feel the impact from what you're doing with
• 49:33
  Speaker 4: your book, and to let them theory, like you just
• 49:35
  Speaker 4: got emotional just not even just about your impact, but
• 49:37
  Speaker 4: just talking about just change in the world. How does
• 49:40
  Speaker 4: it make you feel, Like do you take a moment
• 49:42
  Speaker 4: just of gratitude and be like, because I saw all
• 49:44
  Speaker 4: the tattoos in the book, and I was like, that's
• 49:46
  Speaker 4: so fire. It's hard to make people like actually believe
• 49:49
  Speaker 4: something that's not tangible.
• 49:51
  Speaker 2: One of the things that you know, for me, I
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: spent so many years like hating myself and feeling like
• 50:01
  Speaker 2: I was a really bad person. And when you get
• 50:04
  Speaker 2: stuck in life, it's easy to think you're the only one.
• 50:07
  Speaker 2: And so I'm just literally on a mission to share
• 50:13
  Speaker 2: whatever I could share and give people access just like
• 50:16
  Speaker 2: you guys, give people access to incredible thinkers and experts
• 50:20
  Speaker 2: and resources. You know, your work is reaching some way
• 50:24
  Speaker 2: halfway around the world that doesn't even have a toilet
• 50:28
  Speaker 2: in their house, And how incredible is that? And if
• 50:32
  Speaker 2: I can save anybody the headaches and the heartaches that
• 50:35
  Speaker 2: I cause myself for the people that I care about,
• 50:37
  Speaker 2: because I didn't know any better. I didn't know what
• 50:39
  Speaker 2: the problem was. I didn't know how to change myself.
• 50:42
  Speaker 2: I didn't know how to push through the emotion that
• 50:45
  Speaker 2: is a life well lived. Why did you hate yourself though?
• 50:47
  Speaker 2: Because you can't do anything about what you don't know.
• 50:48
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, we don't have time. I literally, like,
• 50:51
  Speaker 2: from the amount of cheating I did when I was little,
• 50:54
  Speaker 2: to the like the undiagnosed anxiety or the undiagnosed to
• 50:58
  Speaker 2: SLEXI and ADHD and how that created tremendous anxiety, to
• 51:02
  Speaker 2: the way that childhood trauma impacted me that I didn't
• 51:05
  Speaker 2: even realize was impacting me, you know, and like it's
• 51:09
  Speaker 2: just chronic. I just did not think I was a
• 51:12
  Speaker 2: bad person. And there's a lot of people walking around
• 51:15
  Speaker 2: that have a hundred times more negative thoughts than they
• 51:19
  Speaker 2: do positive ones, And a lot of people develop a
• 51:22
  Speaker 2: habit of being very self critical. It's never enough, like
• 51:26
  Speaker 2: you're never gonna make it, like you always so stupid.
• 51:28
  Speaker 2: Why did you do that? Either because that's how they
• 51:31
  Speaker 2: were talked to when they were little, or because it's
• 51:34
  Speaker 2: this like almost protective thing that if you beat yourself
• 51:37
  Speaker 2: up first, you're going to catch it before other people do.
• 51:40
  Speaker 2: And I got to a point, and this is an
• 51:44
  Speaker 2: important thing. The only thing you need to make your
• 51:46
  Speaker 2: life better is one decision. How I'm living my life
• 51:50
  Speaker 2: right now and how it feels no longer works for me.
• 51:53
  Speaker 2: That's all you need to know. If you can have
• 51:56
  Speaker 2: the courage to say that to yourself, you now know
• 52:00
  Speaker 2: you now have tipped the first domino because you've made
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: a decision that you want to change how your life feels.
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: You made a decision that you want to change how
• 52:07
  Speaker 2: it feels up here. And for me as a mom,
• 52:10
  Speaker 2: like your kids absorb the way that you treat yourself.
• 52:14
  Speaker 2: And so having two daughters that I started noticing, my god,
• 52:18
  Speaker 2: why are these beautiful young women picking themselves apart? Well
• 52:20
  Speaker 2: because I do? Why are they so hard on that?
• 52:22
  Speaker 2: Because I was so hard on myself. That's how they
• 52:25
  Speaker 2: learn it, And so I don't want them to do
• 52:28
  Speaker 2: that to themselves. And you know, the thing I was
• 52:31
  Speaker 2: going to share that's made a huge difference for me
• 52:33
  Speaker 2: is that I keep the impact front and center. And
• 52:37
  Speaker 2: so we send an email out five days a week.
• 52:40
  Speaker 2: There's a person on our team whose job is to
• 52:42
  Speaker 2: assemble all of the the things that people are saying
• 52:48
  Speaker 2: all over the world about the books and the podcast,
• 52:51
  Speaker 2: not about Mel, but about what you learned, and I'll
• 52:55
  Speaker 2: tell you it every day. There's twenty to thirty of them.
• 52:59
  Speaker 2: And there was a person who talked about how he
• 53:03
  Speaker 2: was a stepdad and the relationship ended and those step
• 53:07
  Speaker 2: kids were his life and he didn't want to be
• 53:09
  Speaker 2: here anymore. And somebody started to share the podcast with
• 53:14
  Speaker 2: him and he would go and take a walk every
• 53:17
  Speaker 2: morning and listen to the podcast, and it started give
• 53:19
  Speaker 2: him a sense of hope. And now he uses the
• 53:22
  Speaker 2: let them theory. This is a person that actually works
• 53:25
  Speaker 2: in like a police operations control center. Never in a
• 53:28
  Speaker 2: million years would I think this is somebody that's listening
• 53:31
  Speaker 2: to the Mel Robbins podcast or listening to this kind
• 53:34
  Speaker 2: of conversation. But it goes to prove that everybody wants
• 53:38
  Speaker 2: to do well. Everybody wants to thrive, and you know
• 53:42
  Speaker 2: when you're not doing well, You know when you're not thriving.
• 53:46
  Speaker 2: The problem for most of us is just kind of
• 53:48
  Speaker 2: feeling like I don't think this could change. And the
• 53:51
  Speaker 2: fact is, of course it can change. If you've ever
• 53:54
  Speaker 2: been happy in your life, you can be happy again.
• 53:57
  Speaker 2: If you've ever been proud of yourself, you can be
• 53:59
  Speaker 2: proud of yourself again. If you've ever forgiven somebody else,
• 54:02
  Speaker 2: you can learn to forgive yourself.
• 54:05
  Speaker 3: Mel, I know you've got to go through this. My
• 54:06
  Speaker 3: last question, how do you receive comments from people who
• 54:10
  Speaker 3: say Meil Robbinson's giving mental health advice with zero mental
• 54:13
  Speaker 3: health professional training. She should let the professionals speak, let them.
• 54:18
  Speaker 2: But here's the thing. I'm not diagnosing anybody. I'm not.
• 54:22
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to make the intellectual and the academic and
• 54:28
  Speaker 2: the scientific accessible to all of us. It is so
• 54:33
  Speaker 2: important that if you are having an issue, you deserve
• 54:38
  Speaker 2: to work with a mental health professional. I wish that
• 54:42
  Speaker 2: the whole system would change so that it was accessible,
• 54:45
  Speaker 2: so that like cause I think about mental health, I
• 54:47
  Speaker 2: don't think about mental health like you're crazy. Mental health
• 54:50
  Speaker 2: is thriving. It's your ability to manage your stress. It's
• 54:54
  Speaker 2: your ability to push through those moments where life is
• 54:58
  Speaker 2: overwhelming and build yourself little you know life raft to
• 55:01
  Speaker 2: keep yourself afloat. Mental health is like building a muscle
• 55:05
  Speaker 2: and so I also think we hear that word and
• 55:07
  Speaker 2: we think some like clinical depression. If you've got a
• 55:10
  Speaker 2: big issue, go see a doctor for crying out loud.
• 55:13
  Speaker 2: But we all deserve to have access to this information
• 55:17
  Speaker 2: and access to the experts, and so I am absolutely
• 55:22
  Speaker 2: distilling down the world's best research, just like you are.
• 55:26
  Speaker 2: I'm absolutely sharing my experience, not because I think I
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: know what's best for you, but because, by God, if
• 55:31
  Speaker 2: I can save you or one of your kids or
• 55:33
  Speaker 2: somebody you care about the problems that I've faced in
• 55:37
  Speaker 2: my life or that my kids have struggled through because
• 55:40
  Speaker 2: I made dumb mistakes, that is fantastic. I happily will
• 55:45
  Speaker 2: take that criticism happily.
• 55:47
  Speaker 3: And you know, also, God doesn't call to qualify it.
• 55:49
  Speaker 3: He qualified the called, and you've been called mail Robin.
• 55:52
  Speaker 3: I feel that I motherfucking love you man.
• 55:53
  Speaker 2: I love you too. Wow. That's right.
• 55:55
  Speaker 1: Well, we appreciate you for joining us. It's been too long.
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: You got to come up more often.
• 55:59
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, busy guy got to come up to Boston.
• 56:02
  Speaker 3: Oh, I loved it, I Bo, thank you for having
• 56:04
  Speaker 3: me on your podcast.
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: He's you are. You are literally a day away from
• 56:08
  Speaker 2: being in the top ten most listened to episodes. Three
• 56:11
  Speaker 2: point five million people have listened to that episode in
• 56:13
  Speaker 2: the last four days. Wow, that was you were like
• 56:17
  Speaker 2: church you you were channeling.
• 56:18
  Speaker 3: But that was God because my wife literally gave me
• 56:22
  Speaker 3: your book on a Friday and she was like, you
• 56:24
  Speaker 3: need to read this right now because I was stressing
• 56:26
  Speaker 3: about some people and she was like, you need to
• 56:28
  Speaker 3: read this book right now. And I was like, oh,
• 56:30
  Speaker 3: I'm going to see meil on on Wednesday. Literally, So
• 56:33
  Speaker 3: that was just God. So I read the book and
• 56:35
  Speaker 3: I got to sit with you, and now you're here
• 56:37
  Speaker 3: again on the Breakfast Club, and I just feel full,
• 56:40
  Speaker 3: thank you.
• 56:40
  Speaker 2: Thank you. I love your new studio, unbelievably cool.
• 56:44
  Speaker 1: All right, well it's Mel Robbins. It's the Breakfast Club.
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: Good morning. Wake that ass up in the morning.
• 56:50
  Speaker 2: Breakfast Club.