Latest / Dear Chelsea / An Indecent Proposal with Chelsea + Catherine

Transcript

An Indecent Proposal with Chelsea + Catherine · Dear Chelsea

0:00
Speaker 1: Hello, Catherine, it's chilly Chelsea. Hi, yye hi Hi, what's happening?
0:07
Speaker 2: Oh man, just got back from a weekend in Phoenix
0:10
Speaker 2: with all of my in laws and my folks and
0:14
Speaker 2: it was really fun.
0:15
Speaker 1: Oh well good.
0:16
Speaker 2: It was also peaceful because I like gave myself time away.
0:18
Speaker 2: I like let Brad and his family have their time,
0:21
Speaker 2: and I gave you know, myself some decompression time and
0:24
Speaker 2: it was peaceful.
0:25
Speaker 1: Love. Well, good for you for going to Phoenix. I'm
0:28
Speaker 1: yeah for congratulations.
0:31
Speaker 3: It was actually the weather was incredible.
0:33
Speaker 2: It was like Sally Sonny beautiful, like not a hot
0:36
Speaker 2: day in sight.
0:36
Speaker 3: It was perfection.
0:38
Speaker 4: I have a show in Maracopa, Arizona, so oh yeah yeah,
0:41
Speaker 4: so I will be in Arizona at some point.
0:43
Speaker 3: Soon, hopefully before the hot weather comes.
0:47
Speaker 4: You could buy those tickets at Chelseahandler dot com.
0:50
Speaker 2: This isn't exactly an update, but this is just a
0:52
Speaker 2: sweet letter that we got from a listener that I
0:54
Speaker 2: thought was really great because we've been getting a lot
0:57
Speaker 2: of emails about book lists and book recommendations and all
1:00
Speaker 2: that good stuff. So Crystal says to your Chelsea, not
1:04
Speaker 2: needing advice today, but just wanted to write and say
1:06
Speaker 2: that you inspired me to start reading. I've never been
1:09
Speaker 2: a big reader, but because I knew it was important,
1:12
Speaker 2: I've always read to my children every day from the
1:14
Speaker 2: day they were born. My daughter is now nine and
1:17
Speaker 2: reads books on her own before bed each night. I
1:20
Speaker 2: always wanted them to love reading, because I always wished
1:22
Speaker 2: that I did.
1:23
Speaker 3: But you and.
1:24
Speaker 2: Catherine are always talking about different books and how wonderful
1:27
Speaker 2: they are, and how people aren't doing it as much anymore.
1:30
Speaker 2: All of that, coupled with the fact that I basically
1:32
Speaker 2: trained my daughter to love reading, inspired me to try again.
1:35
Speaker 2: One of my first books was one of Chelsea's, about
1:37
Speaker 2: a year ago, and from there I.
1:39
Speaker 3: Just haven't stopped.
1:40
Speaker 2: Ah I know, I'm really enjoying it and actually feeling
1:44
Speaker 2: that it has enriched my life in ways I wasn't expecting.
1:47
Speaker 2: I get so much joy out of such little effort.
1:49
Speaker 2: I must stay at home mom of ten years, and
1:51
Speaker 2: these four walls get so small after a while. It's
1:54
Speaker 2: a gift to be able to escape in a healthy way.
1:57
Speaker 2: So all this is to say thank you, thank you
1:59
Speaker 2: for sharing books you're reading, sharing your passionate about it,
2:02
Speaker 2: and reminding us just how important it is with.
2:05
Speaker 3: Love a crystal.
2:06
Speaker 1: Well, that's great.
2:07
Speaker 4: I love I love it. I love it. Reading is
2:11
Speaker 4: a gift. We're so lucky to be able to like
2:13
Speaker 4: get free entertainment. I mean, they're not free books, but
2:16
Speaker 4: it's cheap entertainment the library, they are, yeah, right, yeah,
2:20
Speaker 4: you can check them out at the library.
2:21
Speaker 1: I used to check out books at the library with
2:23
Speaker 1: my mom.
2:23
Speaker 4: We'd go to the library and Martha's Vineyard and I
2:25
Speaker 4: would get six books and she would get six books.
2:27
Speaker 4: And we would just always like I would read six
2:29
Speaker 4: books at a time and she would and they were
2:30
Speaker 4: all like choose your own adventures, you know, like stupid
2:32
Speaker 4: shit when I was young, but I just loved the
2:35
Speaker 4: putting down a book, going to the next one. And
2:37
Speaker 4: now the girls, Katie and Jesse, my two sixteen year
2:40
Speaker 4: old popsy twins, they are reading like crazy. Like Katie
2:43
Speaker 4: spent the weekend and she was up to like two
2:46
Speaker 4: in the morning reading her book, and I'm like yes.
2:48
Speaker 4: And when I met them, they didn't even read books.
2:50
Speaker 4: They were like, what we're not reading? And then yeah,
2:54
Speaker 4: so it's so cute.
2:54
Speaker 1: I love that. Yeah, it's so. It makes your vocabulary bigger,
2:58
Speaker 1: it makes you smarter. It helps you're spelling.
3:01
Speaker 2: Speaking of staying up late reading, I once was watching
3:03
Speaker 2: my nieces and my one niece was probably like eleven
3:07
Speaker 2: or twelve, and she had gotten into the Harry Potter
3:09
Speaker 2: books and it was just me with my two nieces.
3:12
Speaker 2: My knew this is a school day, and my niece
3:15
Speaker 2: now is that I love reading?
3:16
Speaker 3: She goes.
3:17
Speaker 2: I woke up at one in the morning and started
3:20
Speaker 2: reading my book and I never stopped.
3:22
Speaker 3: I've been awake since one of the morning reading And
3:24
Speaker 3: I was.
3:24
Speaker 1: Like, oh, oh, how cute?
3:26
Speaker 3: Is that so cute?
3:28
Speaker 2: But I was like, you're about to have the most
3:29
Speaker 2: miserable day ever because you're gonna fall asleep in class.
3:33
Speaker 3: So she was pretty crabby and we had a little
3:35
Speaker 3: early bedtime that night. But I was like, that's very sweet,
3:38
Speaker 3: but maybe maybe we don't do that again.
3:42
Speaker 1: That's cute.
3:43
Speaker 3: Was there a specific book.
3:44
Speaker 2: I know you said she's your own adventure books, but
3:46
Speaker 2: was there a specific book that you really.
3:48
Speaker 3: Like got you into reading as a kid.
3:51
Speaker 1: No, all the books. I read everything.
3:53
Speaker 4: I mean, I read serious books when I was little,
3:55
Speaker 4: my dad forced me. And then when I had my own,
3:57
Speaker 4: like you know, I could read what I wanted Beverly
4:01
Speaker 4: Cleary and like you know, Judy Bloom and all that,
4:03
Speaker 4: and then Sweet Valley High.
4:04
Speaker 3: Yeah, I love amazing.
4:06
Speaker 1: That was my favorite, and then a lot to choose
4:08
Speaker 1: your own adventures.
4:09
Speaker 4: I would just go through them like any kid and
4:11
Speaker 4: go to the War the first, go to page twenty eight.
4:13
Speaker 4: Then I would go back and go to page thirty five,
4:15
Speaker 4: and you know, I just love that.
4:17
Speaker 3: There is nothing more fun than those.
4:18
Speaker 1: I know, I know, I guess they have them for adults,
4:22
Speaker 1: but they I think they do.
4:24
Speaker 4: But I don't think that that I'm that interested in
4:26
Speaker 4: that anymore.
4:29
Speaker 3: Should we jump into some questions, Chelsea.
4:30
Speaker 4: Absolutely, let's do it. We have a one on one
4:33
Speaker 4: episode today.
4:34
Speaker 3: We sure do.
4:35
Speaker 2: Okay, So this one is a little bit of a
4:39
Speaker 2: complicated one, Sarah says, Dear Chelsea, My family and I
4:44
Speaker 2: moved to a new neighborhood about six months ago. It's quiet,
4:47
Speaker 2: clean and has lots of families with young children, including
4:50
Speaker 2: my own. Shortly after moving in, we discovered that our
4:54
Speaker 2: next door neighbor has an adult daughter who does not
4:56
Speaker 2: live at the house, but is likely living out of
4:58
Speaker 2: her beat up car, which she likes to part in
5:00
Speaker 2: front of her mom's house. She shows up for a
5:03
Speaker 2: few days at a time, leaves for a few days,
5:05
Speaker 2: and then comes back. She often gets loaded and then
5:07
Speaker 2: passes out in her car for hours in broad daylight.
5:10
Speaker 2: Sometimes she's just in her car by herself or with others,
5:13
Speaker 2: doing tweaker things like looking for things on the ground.
5:16
Speaker 2: Whenever her daughter is brought up in conversation, the neighbor
5:19
Speaker 2: dismisses it and says she just comes around from time
5:22
Speaker 2: to time to use my swimming pool, and the neighbor
5:24
Speaker 2: doesn't really seem interested in talking about what's going on.
5:27
Speaker 2: My neighbor's boyfriend shared a little more once and said
5:30
Speaker 2: the daughter is cut off and not allowed to enter
5:32
Speaker 2: their home. However, it's apparent that they aren't doing anything
5:34
Speaker 2: about their doing drugs and passing out in the car
5:36
Speaker 2: in front of their house.
5:38
Speaker 3: I feel for my neighbor mother to mother.
5:40
Speaker 2: It makes me wonder if she feels more comfortable knowing
5:42
Speaker 2: where her daughter is and having her parked out front
5:44
Speaker 2: rather than quote on the streets.
5:46
Speaker 3: Here's my dilemma. I couldn't care.
5:48
Speaker 2: Less what her daughter does with her life or her
5:50
Speaker 2: relationship with her mother, But I don't want my children
5:52
Speaker 2: seeing her doing drugs or being passed out in her
5:54
Speaker 2: car for hours while they play in the front yard.
5:57
Speaker 3: It's also quite a nice or to have a.
5:58
Speaker 2: Tweaker hanging out in her beat up with broken windows
6:01
Speaker 2: every time I look out while doing my dishes. Should
6:04
Speaker 2: I try and have another conversation with her mom? How
6:06
Speaker 2: do I approach this with her? Deep down, I really
6:09
Speaker 2: want to just call the cops or knock on her
6:11
Speaker 2: car window and tell her to leave, but she's technically
6:14
Speaker 2: not on my property and I don't want to negatively
6:16
Speaker 2: impact my relationship with my neighbor. Your advice on how
6:19
Speaker 2: to handle this would be greatly appreciated, Sarah.
6:23
Speaker 4: Well, I mean, honestly, it's none of your fucking business,
6:26
Speaker 4: Like it's not she's not on your property. I mean
6:29
Speaker 4: as a parent, obviously her mother isn't psyched about that either,
6:33
Speaker 4: and I think you can relate that you would rather
6:36
Speaker 4: have your daughter in front of your house doing drugs
6:38
Speaker 4: than god knows where, and it's not your property, so
6:42
Speaker 4: you have nothing to say about the matter. And sorry
6:45
Speaker 4: that it's an eyesore, but there's nothing for you to do.
6:48
Speaker 1: That's not your business.
6:51
Speaker 2: And I honestly think like your kids are small. So
6:55
Speaker 2: you know, if you tell them like, oh, she's taking
6:57
Speaker 2: a nap, Like, I think that's probably all the explanation
6:59
Speaker 2: that they need at this time. And like when they're
7:01
Speaker 2: twenty five, they'll, you know, remember this lady and figure
7:04
Speaker 2: out what was going on.
7:05
Speaker 4: Or they won't remember anything about it, you know, right,
7:07
Speaker 4: or they won't and it's not Yeah, and your kids
7:10
Speaker 4: aren't gonna like that's like saying, oh, I don't want
7:12
Speaker 4: my children exposed to transgender kids because they're going to
7:15
Speaker 4: become trans just because there's some woman tweaking out in
7:18
Speaker 4: a car. At least she's not on your property, she's
7:20
Speaker 4: not talking to your children. Yeah, you're really reaching to
7:24
Speaker 4: think that you have a say in it.
7:25
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I know people get really bent out of
7:27
Speaker 2: shape about like, oh, someone's parked in from my house. Whatever,
7:30
Speaker 2: I can see it from my house. But I think
7:32
Speaker 2: this is a family across the street that has a
7:33
Speaker 2: really complicated thing going on, and I think this is
7:37
Speaker 2: a moment where you need to dig deep and reach
7:39
Speaker 2: out with kindness. Yes, you know, maybe it's even like
7:43
Speaker 2: make a sandwich and like if she's asleep, leave it
7:46
Speaker 2: on her car, or like knock on the window. If
7:48
Speaker 2: she's awake and like hand her a sandwich or bring
7:50
Speaker 2: her lunch, like when you see her out there, because
7:53
Speaker 2: she's obviously going through a really tough time. You know,
7:55
Speaker 2: calling the cops is not a solution for drug addiction.
7:58
Speaker 1: No, it's not.
8:00
Speaker 4: That is actually nice. It's like take your contempt and
8:02
Speaker 4: turn it upside down into kindness.
8:04
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think try and find ways where you can
8:06
Speaker 3: meet this with kindness and giving and understand that like
8:10
Speaker 3: this is more complicated. They're just like having a shitty
8:12
Speaker 3: view at your window. So and also, like things do
8:16
Speaker 3: come to an end, so this will this will go
8:18
Speaker 3: one way or another.
8:19
Speaker 2: And obviously we hope that she gets help, but you know,
8:22
Speaker 2: the family is doing the best they can, it sounds
8:24
Speaker 2: like right now.
8:25
Speaker 4: And also, calling the police is definitely going to fracture
8:29
Speaker 4: your relationship with your neighbor.
8:30
Speaker 1: So you can say goodbye to that if you do that, and.
8:34
Speaker 3: It will also probably not be a solution.
8:36
Speaker 4: I grew up, well, this isn't this isn't exactly the same,
8:38
Speaker 4: but it's slightly analogous. Where I grew up with my
8:41
Speaker 4: dad had all these used cars in our driveway all
8:44
Speaker 4: the time, and it looked like you know, the parking lot.
8:46
Speaker 4: It looked like Sandford and Son in our neighborhood. And
8:48
Speaker 4: we were like in a nice middle class, upper middle
8:50
Speaker 4: class neighborhood in New Jersey, and our neighbors always called
8:54
Speaker 4: the police on.
8:55
Speaker 1: My dad because of the cars.
8:56
Speaker 4: And it just made me, even to this day, not
9:01
Speaker 4: like my neighbors, you know, because we became like the
9:05
Speaker 4: eyesore of the neighborhood. And I didn't like my house either.
9:08
Speaker 4: I wasn't happy about it either, but seeing my father,
9:11
Speaker 4: like seeing us kind of like my father attacked and
9:14
Speaker 4: people call, it's just embarrassing, and it's like, it's that's
9:17
Speaker 4: not we're putting out love. That's just putting out disdain,
9:20
Speaker 4: especially because you don't like something in your view and
9:23
Speaker 4: like your eyeline.
9:23
Speaker 1: It's just it's silly.
9:26
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, So I think let's try and meet this with.
9:29
Speaker 2: A little love and a little understanding and give us
9:31
Speaker 2: an update if there is a change or if you
9:33
Speaker 2: do decide to try that, and let us know kind
9:35
Speaker 2: of how that goes.
9:36
Speaker 1: Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be
9:38
Speaker 1: right back.
9:43
Speaker 3: And we're back, so let's talk to our first caller.
9:46
Speaker 3: We've got some cuties today.
9:48
Speaker 1: Okay, let's go.
9:49
Speaker 2: Vicky is calling in and she's got a bit of
9:51
Speaker 2: a doozy here. So Vicky says, dear Chelsea, it's one am.
9:56
Speaker 2: I have to get up for work in five hours.
9:58
Speaker 2: I can't sleep so angry, and I need your advice.
10:02
Speaker 2: A couple days ago, one of the owners of my
10:04
Speaker 2: company offered to pay me two thousand dollars to have
10:07
Speaker 2: sex with him. I worked for a roofing company doing admin.
10:12
Speaker 2: I've been there for seven months. I was determined to
10:14
Speaker 2: show this new group of blue collar guys just how organized,
10:17
Speaker 2: detail oriented and smart a girl like me could be.
10:20
Speaker 3: And I did.
10:20
Speaker 2: I got two raises in the first six months and
10:23
Speaker 2: a Christmas bonus. I attended the company Christmas party alone.
10:27
Speaker 2: I rented a dress and felt like a million bucks.
10:29
Speaker 2: It was fun.
10:30
Speaker 3: That night, I noticed one of the owners sent me
10:32
Speaker 3: a message on LinkedIn at one forty that seemed like
10:35
Speaker 3: a typo. Then he started testing the waters. Maybe I
10:39
Speaker 3: was flattered that my boss was paying attention to me.
10:42
Speaker 3: Who knows.
10:43
Speaker 2: Anyway, he said he wanted to ask me something and
10:45
Speaker 2: wanted to switch to text, so I gave.
10:47
Speaker 3: Him my cell number.
10:49
Speaker 2: He started by saying how good I looked at the party,
10:51
Speaker 2: but pretty quickly explained that he was interested in paying
10:54
Speaker 2: me two thousand dollars a pop to bang me. I
10:57
Speaker 2: told him thanks, eye roll. My first reaction was to
11:00
Speaker 2: be grateful, ugh, but no thanks. He then offered to
11:04
Speaker 2: pay me for my silence. I assured him I would
11:06
Speaker 2: never tell and didn't want any money. He asked me
11:09
Speaker 2: to delete the text, but I kept them. I was
11:12
Speaker 2: scared there would be retaliation because I turned him down.
11:15
Speaker 2: Nothing has happened since then. Now that I've had time
11:18
Speaker 2: to process the severity of what happened, I'm just mad.
11:21
Speaker 2: I want to make a scene in front of everyone
11:22
Speaker 2: at the company and call this bastard out and leave.
11:25
Speaker 2: What should I do? My heart is broken. I thought
11:27
Speaker 2: I'd found a new family and a new job. Sincerely,
11:30
Speaker 2: Vicky and Vicky, I know some stuff has sort of
11:33
Speaker 2: like come out a little bit since you wrote in
11:35
Speaker 2: as well, right with like other.
11:37
Speaker 1: Cares, I've got some updates, Hi, Vicky.
11:41
Speaker 5: Hi, So I did go forward with my information to
11:45
Speaker 5: the COO, and they the disciplinary action that happened was
11:50
Speaker 5: that this man was told that he can only work remotely. Now,
11:53
Speaker 5: you know, everything was documented they said they were shocked,
11:56
Speaker 5: they couldn't believe it, which I don't believe that they're
12:00
Speaker 5: shocked at all. Anyway, they I thought, you know, maybe
12:04
Speaker 5: this had happened to somebody else, But they made me
12:06
Speaker 5: sign this paper that said that I wouldn't talk about
12:08
Speaker 5: it to preserve the culture, which is obviously amazing at
12:11
Speaker 5: the company I work for. So I'm not supposed to
12:14
Speaker 5: talk about it with other people or the disciplinary action
12:17
Speaker 5: or why this guy doesn't come into the office anymore.
12:20
Speaker 5: So I did talk to somebody and I asked them,
12:21
Speaker 5: I thought maybe she had a similar experience, and she had.
12:25
Speaker 5: She's twenty four, she was young, and he actually grabbed
12:28
Speaker 5: her butt and told her he would pay her twice
12:31
Speaker 5: as much as she was making to be his becking
12:33
Speaker 5: call girl, you know, and like meet him wherever for sex.
12:37
Speaker 5: And she said no.
12:38
Speaker 3: She still worked for the.
12:39
Speaker 5: Company, and she was crying when she told me. And
12:41
Speaker 5: I was just like furious, because you know, I think
12:45
Speaker 5: it's probably a lot of women that have dealt with
12:47
Speaker 5: this and stayed silent because she was scared she wouldn't,
12:51
Speaker 5: you know, they wouldn't believe her, and you know, who
12:53
Speaker 5: is she to make these accusations, so she never came forward.
12:57
Speaker 1: And would she be willing to come forward?
12:59
Speaker 5: Now I didn't ask her, but she did thank me
13:02
Speaker 5: for coming forward. And that's kind of where we left at.
13:06
Speaker 1: But I think she would Listen, you signed something.
13:09
Speaker 4: I don't really know how binding all of that shit is,
13:12
Speaker 4: because also there's new information. Now you're not just talking
13:14
Speaker 4: about yourself, you're talking about that it's happened to other women.
13:17
Speaker 4: And he's an owner of this company. What kind of
13:19
Speaker 4: company is it.
13:20
Speaker 5: It's a construction company, so there's two original owners, but
13:25
Speaker 5: they've been bought out by a private equity group, so
13:28
Speaker 5: they have some ownership still.
13:30
Speaker 2: And it's like a mid size company, so like not
13:32
Speaker 2: something tiny, not something some giant corporation.
13:35
Speaker 4: So yeah, and so your human resources department that's part
13:38
Speaker 4: of the private equity human resources.
13:40
Speaker 5: Right, we don't have a human resource department that I'm
13:43
Speaker 5: aware of.
13:44
Speaker 1: Okay, Well that's the first problem.
13:46
Speaker 4: Yeah, I would, I would go back and go I'm sorry,
13:49
Speaker 4: but I've learned that there are more than one person
13:51
Speaker 4: without mentioning anyone's names without their permission, but that there's
13:55
Speaker 4: more than one person that this happened to. And now
13:58
Speaker 4: this is a different set of circumstances. So I want
14:00
Speaker 4: to know what you're going to do because being working
14:02
Speaker 4: him working remotely is inacceptable. Like this is now a
14:06
Speaker 4: pattern of behavior, and these women are we're talking about
14:10
Speaker 4: all coming forward. So what are you going to do
14:12
Speaker 4: to prevent this from happening? Because he needs to be removed.
14:15
Speaker 4: This is not something that you work around. And I
14:18
Speaker 4: just don't think you could ever sit around. And I mean,
14:21
Speaker 4: he's just going to do it again to someone else.
14:23
Speaker 3: Right, and it definitely has been.
14:25
Speaker 2: If you are worried at all, you could say, like
14:28
Speaker 2: she came to me, That's how I found out about this.
14:31
Speaker 3: I'm not going to reveal who.
14:32
Speaker 2: It is, but like this seems to me like something
14:35
Speaker 2: they know is happening and is a pattern of behavior,
14:38
Speaker 2: like they already I would imagine knew about this before you,
14:42
Speaker 2: because this doesn't sound like his first if he immediately
14:45
Speaker 2: was like, oh, can I pay you to be silent?
14:47
Speaker 3: Like he he.
14:49
Speaker 2: Knows how this goes, he knows what is going to
14:52
Speaker 2: happen next, And I know you need the job and everything,
14:56
Speaker 2: but the fact that they didn't even offer you anything
14:59
Speaker 2: for your silence, They just were like, hey, sign this
15:01
Speaker 2: that honestly makes me kind of pissed.
15:04
Speaker 5: Yeah, I don't think it's that legally binding, Like no, yeah.
15:08
Speaker 2: And it's just about not talking to coworkers, right, it's
15:12
Speaker 2: not you know.
15:13
Speaker 5: They also had told me in a verbal conversation that
15:15
Speaker 5: I was getting a fat raise this year, and then
15:18
Speaker 5: after that was before this happened, and then after it happened,
15:21
Speaker 5: my fat raise was three thousand dollars, so it came
15:24
Speaker 5: out to ten dollars a week on a paycheck after
15:27
Speaker 5: my taxes.
15:28
Speaker 3: So not that bad.
15:29
Speaker 5: I mean, that's not what I don't think they would
15:31
Speaker 5: consider it fat.
15:32
Speaker 6: No.
15:33
Speaker 2: I will also say I talked to an attorney and
15:37
Speaker 2: they said she needs to talk to a lawyer. So
15:39
Speaker 2: keep documents of everything, keep records of everything. But you
15:43
Speaker 2: should probably go see it an attorney as well.
15:45
Speaker 5: Yeah, I'm definitely going to. I think it's just I
15:48
Speaker 5: think it's my responsibility as a woman raised by Chelsea,
15:52
Speaker 5: to you know, to speak up for other women. And
15:55
Speaker 5: I think, you know, we've all had it, Like it's enough.
15:57
Speaker 5: I mean they've been getting away with this behavior and enough.
16:01
Speaker 5: I'm not gonna just I'm not going to live in
16:03
Speaker 5: a world where I don't have a voice, you know,
16:05
Speaker 5: and I have a lot to offer and I want
16:07
Speaker 5: to be rewarded for that in the workplace, and I
16:10
Speaker 5: want to have a safe work environment for myself and
16:12
Speaker 5: for everybody.
16:13
Speaker 1: Good for you, Good for you.
16:14
Speaker 4: I love everything you're saying, and you're right, you know,
16:17
Speaker 4: some people are not as strong as you, and sometimes,
16:19
Speaker 4: like I feel very responsible for being a strong, strong
16:23
Speaker 4: woman for all the other women that aren't going to
16:25
Speaker 4: be strong, like I'm standing up for them.
16:26
Speaker 1: So and I think you're the same.
16:28
Speaker 4: So I think that you just take that with you
16:31
Speaker 4: in every step you take in this arena, because they
16:33
Speaker 4: need to get rid of him. He doesn't get to
16:35
Speaker 4: be an owner and offer people two thousand first of all,
16:36
Speaker 4: two thousand dollars for sex is insulting, Like, I know, excuse.
16:41
Speaker 5: Me, I know, Demi Moore got a million and Robert Redford,
16:45
Speaker 5: you know.
16:45
Speaker 1: Right, right right?
16:46
Speaker 3: Does this guy look like Robert Redford?
16:48
Speaker 2: Because hey, well no, I think the thing I would
16:52
Speaker 2: have been more also offended by is like, wait, you're
16:55
Speaker 2: talking to other people about.
16:56
Speaker 3: This too, You're trying to do other people.
16:58
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, just be ah are for women, you know,
17:01
Speaker 4: just keep that in your mind and please don't like
17:04
Speaker 4: let this go.
17:06
Speaker 5: No, I'm not.
17:07
Speaker 3: I'm on it. Give us updates, please do we would.
17:10
Speaker 5: Like to hear take care, thank you.
17:13
Speaker 3: Yeah. I talked to a lawyer and she was like,
17:16
Speaker 3: sue the shit out of them, Like she needs to
17:17
Speaker 3: sue them. That's insane.
17:18
Speaker 1: It's unbelievable.
17:20
Speaker 4: I just love the psychology of thinking about how men
17:23
Speaker 4: in this day and age still are thinking that they
17:26
Speaker 4: can get away with shit like that because they can.
17:29
Speaker 1: They can in all walks of life. They still get
17:31
Speaker 1: away with it.
17:32
Speaker 4: And you're like, excuse me, you cannot offer to have
17:35
Speaker 4: sex pay money to have sex with me as an.
17:38
Speaker 3: Employee at your work.
17:39
Speaker 4: Please go do that with someone on the street or
17:43
Speaker 4: some woman you meet.
17:44
Speaker 3: Somewhere else who is a sex worker.
17:46
Speaker 1: It's so stupid.
17:48
Speaker 3: My favorite part, though, is like, who is trying to
17:51
Speaker 3: hit on their coworkers through LinkedIn? Like what a total lamo?
17:56
Speaker 3: I just thought that was so ridiculous.
17:57
Speaker 4: Well, I think that goes hand in hand with offering
17:59
Speaker 4: someone two thousand to have sex, right, step it up,
18:02
Speaker 4: hitting on someone on LinkedIn using that as a rayah
18:04
Speaker 4: and then yeah.
18:07
Speaker 2: Uh okay, Well our next caller, Stephanie has gotten sober
18:12
Speaker 2: and has some questions about dealing with past mistakes. Dear Chelsea,
18:18
Speaker 2: I've been personally struggling with grieving the past and honoring
18:20
Speaker 2: my sobriety. In January, I recently hit a year, but
18:24
Speaker 2: the emotions make me feel like I'm still in month four.
18:28
Speaker 2: A few years ago, I was a real jerk to
18:30
Speaker 2: loved ones and friends around me and didn't realize I
18:32
Speaker 2: was inflicting pain on others due to my trauma responses.
18:36
Speaker 2: I've been in emotionally abusive relationships and haven't fully dealt
18:39
Speaker 2: with a sexual assault when I was fourteen, which I've
18:42
Speaker 2: discovered in therapy led me.
18:43
Speaker 3: To drinking pretty young.
18:44
Speaker 2: Unfortunately, I guess in this area, I struggle with self
18:48
Speaker 2: forgiveness looking back. Being on medication and quitting drinking alcohol
18:52
Speaker 2: a year ago has led me to uncork the bottled
18:54
Speaker 2: up feelings pun very much intended for context. I was
18:58
Speaker 2: so hammered once at a friend's engagement party that the
19:01
Speaker 2: hangover lasted three whole days, and I have never even
19:04
Speaker 2: wanted to smell alcohol wine specifically, since then. I find
19:08
Speaker 2: it hard to push past how heavy these emotions are,
19:10
Speaker 2: no matter how much time has passed. In terms of
19:12
Speaker 2: grieving all of the past. Do you have any tips
19:15
Speaker 2: that don't require me sitting down and meditating with the thoughts.
19:18
Speaker 2: I am insanely hyperactive and have a difficult time sitting still,
19:22
Speaker 2: but find hands on and movement type of activities can
19:24
Speaker 2: be helpful. Yes, I have ADHD. I lost certain friendships
19:28
Speaker 2: when I decided to get sober as well. To throw
19:31
Speaker 2: even more of a curveball, I stopped smoking weed and
19:33
Speaker 2: taking edibles for the time being, because I was also
19:36
Speaker 2: using that as a major coping mechanism. How do you
19:38
Speaker 2: experience the stages of grief and do you have any
19:41
Speaker 2: tips for getting through them?
19:43
Speaker 3: All the best stuff? Hi staff, high staff.
19:46
Speaker 4: Hello, good for you for getting sober and for quitting
19:50
Speaker 4: weed and using all of kit taking away all of
19:53
Speaker 4: your aids.
19:55
Speaker 1: Thanks. That's tough.
19:57
Speaker 6: It's been one of those journeys where I'll just be
20:00
Speaker 6: like really deep and thought about something and I'm like, well,
20:03
Speaker 6: I could go back to that whatever I was doing prior,
20:07
Speaker 6: But then in the moment I'm like, okay, well let's
20:10
Speaker 6: let's get this all focused and focus on the breathing
20:13
Speaker 6: and all that. So it's been pretty cool.
20:16
Speaker 1: Well that's great.
20:17
Speaker 4: I mean listen, your vehemence against and meditation leads me
20:22
Speaker 4: to believe that you would probably.
20:23
Speaker 1: Benefit the most from it.
20:25
Speaker 4: Anyone who really doesn't want to do something like that
20:28
Speaker 4: that is always beneficial, that has scientifically proven to work,
20:31
Speaker 4: I think would be a great tool for you because
20:35
Speaker 4: of your adamance against it.
20:37
Speaker 1: So let's that is one thing.
20:41
Speaker 4: But like the fact that you're already kind of on
20:43
Speaker 4: your way to that, and and you know, we talk
20:45
Speaker 4: about meditation a lot on this podcast, but it really
20:47
Speaker 4: is about centering yourself, setting yourself up for success each day.
20:52
Speaker 1: Each day you're like, this is great. I'm going to
20:54
Speaker 1: crush it.
20:55
Speaker 4: I'm going to be balanced, centered, non reactive, and I'm
20:57
Speaker 4: going to use the tools that I have, whether they
20:59
Speaker 4: being like positive affirmations in the morning, waking up and
21:03
Speaker 4: being like I wake up every morning and I look
21:04
Speaker 4: in the mirror and I'm like, look at you. You're
21:06
Speaker 4: a cutie pie, and look what you're gonna do today.
21:09
Speaker 4: Like I literally talk to myself like that because I
21:11
Speaker 4: want to be in playful mode as much as possible, you.
21:14
Speaker 1: Know what I mean. I don't want to be stressed
21:17
Speaker 1: or reactive or get upset. I don't want to be angry.
21:19
Speaker 1: I don't want to lose my temper.
21:21
Speaker 4: So we all have our kind of shortcomings that we're
21:23
Speaker 4: working against, right Like, whatever our personality attributes are or
21:26
Speaker 4: defaults are. And I think that you're already, like you've
21:31
Speaker 4: done so much stuff to better yourself, there's really no
21:35
Speaker 4: stopping you now. So it's kind of whatever you decide
21:37
Speaker 4: is going to set you up each day and to understand,
21:41
Speaker 4: like one of the greatest things about about meditation is
21:44
Speaker 4: sitting still and just letting emotions move through you. And
21:49
Speaker 4: you don't necessarily have to do a mantra or something
21:51
Speaker 4: like I do a mantra every day with whatever guided
21:54
Speaker 4: meditation I do, and I don't do it every day,
21:56
Speaker 4: you know, every single day, But you can do that
21:59
Speaker 4: without out, without the guided meditation, you could just sit
22:02
Speaker 4: and be like, this is me today, this is what
22:05
Speaker 4: I'm gonna do. I'm not gonna drink, I'm not gonna smoke,
22:08
Speaker 4: I'm going to be in my body. I'm going to
22:09
Speaker 4: experience my grief, but nothing is going to consume me,
22:14
Speaker 4: you know. So it's kind of just like writing a
22:16
Speaker 4: love letter to yourself and then honoring that each day
22:19
Speaker 4: when you wake up and being like, Okay, this is
22:21
Speaker 4: who I am, and this is who I want to be,
22:23
Speaker 4: and this is where I'm going.
22:24
Speaker 1: You know, the past is the past.
22:26
Speaker 4: Don't worry about that because you're correcting so many things
22:29
Speaker 4: and moving into your future with such love and light.
22:32
Speaker 1: Just add to that.
22:33
Speaker 4: Anything you choose to do, whether it's a mantra, whether
22:36
Speaker 4: it's positive affirmations, whether it's writing down making a gratitude
22:40
Speaker 4: journal each day, or whether it's silent meditation, group meditation,
22:44
Speaker 4: you know, whatever it is that you click with, you
22:47
Speaker 4: should try and exhaust all of those things. Like try
22:50
Speaker 4: something for two weeks and then if you're like it's
22:53
Speaker 4: not working, okay, fine, but you'll be surprised what will
22:55
Speaker 4: work for you when you're of present mind and you're open, yeah, helpful.
23:01
Speaker 2: And are you doing any kind of like twelve step
23:03
Speaker 2: anything anything like that, or you were just like, I
23:05
Speaker 2: never want to drink again.
23:07
Speaker 6: Yeah, so I kind of made that decision. I had
23:10
Speaker 6: my friend's engagement party and I got so hammered. It
23:13
Speaker 6: lasted three days. My hangover it was terrible. I think
23:16
Speaker 6: it was also bad wine, But I digress, and I
23:21
Speaker 6: kind of just woke up like after that weekend and
23:24
Speaker 6: being like, I never even want to smell this ever again,
23:27
Speaker 6: I don't even want to I don't even want to
23:29
Speaker 6: look at it. So I'm not in any program. However,
23:32
Speaker 6: a friend of mine who both of our one year
23:35
Speaker 6: dates are kind of around the same time, she actually
23:38
Speaker 6: co founded this organization called ap Sober Socials. They're based
23:41
Speaker 6: in Asbury Park, New Jersey, but they have a bunch
23:44
Speaker 6: of you know, activities for people who are looking to
23:48
Speaker 6: have a community and you know, support the poetry readings.
23:52
Speaker 6: They did karaoke a few times at one of the
23:54
Speaker 6: vegan spots over there.
23:56
Speaker 1: Oh vegan karaoke.
23:58
Speaker 6: Oh it's such a blast.
24:00
Speaker 1: I can imagine being in sofer karaoke.
24:03
Speaker 2: Yes, what Chelsea was saying as far as like meditation
24:06
Speaker 2: and having a mantra, I love that. And if you
24:08
Speaker 2: are finding you can't you know, still still can't focus,
24:11
Speaker 2: you might try adding some movement in with that. So
24:14
Speaker 2: adding in some yoga, which is very meditative, but like
24:17
Speaker 2: having a mantra while you're doing that, I think can
24:19
Speaker 2: help get some of it out of your like the
24:21
Speaker 2: guilt feelings out of your body.
24:23
Speaker 3: And then also I.
24:24
Speaker 2: Was just thinking, this feels like maybe something to journal
24:27
Speaker 2: about too. I don't know if you do any journaling,
24:29
Speaker 2: but just being like curious with yourself about like why
24:33
Speaker 2: do I have these sort of like cyclical thoughts about
24:36
Speaker 2: guilt around this or any other specific times, and doing
24:39
Speaker 2: some journaling around that, and then once you've sort of
24:42
Speaker 2: examined that for yourself, maybe writing a letter just so
24:45
Speaker 2: you can be.
24:46
Speaker 3: Like, hey, I messed up.
24:49
Speaker 2: I love you getting it out to them, and even
24:52
Speaker 2: if you get no response, you'll know like your side
24:54
Speaker 2: of the street is clean, and just like finding ways
24:58
Speaker 2: to get that sort of outside of you. But it
25:00
Speaker 2: sounds like you're doing some a lot of active things
25:02
Speaker 2: and putting community around you, which is amazing.
25:05
Speaker 5: Yeah.
25:05
Speaker 6: I also I do the aerial arts, so like poll
25:09
Speaker 6: and stuff. And also that's become like such a stable
25:13
Speaker 6: ground for me just kind of like you know, working
25:15
Speaker 6: on new moves and like challenging myself. And there's a
25:17
Speaker 6: whole like neurological thing about it where like you know,
25:21
Speaker 6: it can open up different neuropathways and like your brain
25:24
Speaker 6: and stuff, and just like putting yourself in situations that
25:27
Speaker 6: you normally wouldn't.
25:29
Speaker 1: Good that's awesome.
25:31
Speaker 5: Yeah.
25:32
Speaker 4: I also like to think in terms of like self
25:34
Speaker 4: help and betterment. I like to think of it as
25:35
Speaker 4: like a positive pyramid scheme, Like you're you're piling in like, Okay,
25:40
Speaker 4: you go to therapy, you quit drinking, you go to
25:42
Speaker 4: you know, you quit your smoking weed, and you do
25:44
Speaker 4: all these good things for yourself. You're doing this it
25:46
Speaker 4: kind of exercise and like kind of spiritual exercise in
25:49
Speaker 4: your explanation of it, And you're piling all these things
25:52
Speaker 4: on to like think of a blanket and you're just
25:54
Speaker 4: piling them all on. You're basically like building this kind
25:58
Speaker 4: of like protective.
26:00
Speaker 1: Voting around yourself, you know.
26:02
Speaker 4: So like the more that you can add to that pile,
26:04
Speaker 4: like Okay, this brings me joy, this brings me calm,
26:07
Speaker 4: This brings me comfort and clarity, like the more that
26:10
Speaker 4: you are protecting your like kind of soul and your
26:13
Speaker 4: and your person. And instead of thinking of it as
26:16
Speaker 4: like a defense, I think of it as like just armor,
26:19
Speaker 4: you know, like very protective armor, so that you are
26:22
Speaker 4: always protected by yourself. And so whenever I think of like,
26:26
Speaker 4: oh okay, I'm going to add this to my repertoire.
26:28
Speaker 4: I'm going to do this journaling for a month or whatever,
26:30
Speaker 4: I decide to do. I always think of like this
26:33
Speaker 4: blanket where I'm just putting more and more goodness on it,
26:36
Speaker 4: you know, so that that is my comfort zone. And
26:38
Speaker 4: I'm in that blanket surrounded by all of the tools
26:40
Speaker 4: that I've learned. So I think if you kind of
26:43
Speaker 4: like picture that and whatever that means for you, you know,
26:46
Speaker 4: but just think of that like self preservation, self protection
26:49
Speaker 4: in a positive way, not in a defensive way.
26:53
Speaker 6: Yeah, do you find that because I know some people
26:56
Speaker 6: you know, I'll post those like thirty day like journaling challenges,
27:00
Speaker 6: is that it's on a specific prompt and then you
27:02
Speaker 6: know each time you're like diving deeper, do you find
27:05
Speaker 6: those to be helpful or do you kind of just
27:08
Speaker 6: go based off of how you're feeling and kind of
27:11
Speaker 6: go from there, Because I feel like for me, there's
27:13
Speaker 6: like so many different thoughts going at once, so like
27:16
Speaker 6: in order to like focus on one specific area, I
27:19
Speaker 6: feel like I would need a prompt.
27:21
Speaker 1: But I was just curious.
27:23
Speaker 4: Well, I mean, I think whatever I think, it doesn't matter,
27:25
Speaker 4: you know what I mean, as long as you're putting
27:27
Speaker 4: effort toward yourself and healing yourself, and like, it doesn't
27:30
Speaker 4: matter what it is. Yes, for you with ADHD, a
27:34
Speaker 4: prompt would be good. And I think you'll be very
27:36
Speaker 4: surprised from meditating. I had bad ADD before I meditated.
27:41
Speaker 4: I don't think I have ADHD. I have ADD, but
27:44
Speaker 4: I don't. I can focus so easily now, like the
27:48
Speaker 4: benefits you reap from it, you are not even like
27:51
Speaker 4: you don't even know what they are yet. So I
27:53
Speaker 4: just wouldn't ever say, like dismiss something, you know, like yes,
27:57
Speaker 4: go journal and get a prompt if that's going to
27:59
Speaker 4: help you focus. But all of these exercises are going
28:02
Speaker 4: to help in your focus in general. They're going to
28:04
Speaker 4: make you be able to pay more attention for longer
28:07
Speaker 4: periods of time. And it's just they're all training exercises
28:10
Speaker 4: for the brain, and it's an act of self love,
28:13
Speaker 4: all all of it is.
28:15
Speaker 3: Yeah. I found that as well, is when I'm meditating
28:18
Speaker 3: really regularly, my attention span just like gets a lot
28:21
Speaker 3: longer and it really helps with my ADHD as well.
28:24
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I think try those prompts. I think that'd
28:26
Speaker 2: be amazing. And also when you are meditating, you know,
28:30
Speaker 2: have a mantra or do like breath counts. For me,
28:33
Speaker 2: it helps keep my mind from wandering off. It's just
28:36
Speaker 2: being able to you know, doing one to ten, doing
28:37
Speaker 2: box breathing. You know, there's a ton of different ways
28:40
Speaker 2: to do breath counts.
28:41
Speaker 1: So all right, is that helpful?
28:43
Speaker 5: Yes?
28:44
Speaker 6: Absolutely?
28:46
Speaker 1: Okay, great, Well, congrats on everything you've accomplished. I'm proud
28:49
Speaker 1: of you, even though I don't know you. Thank you.
28:54
Speaker 3: All right, Thanks stuff, keep us posted, check in with
28:56
Speaker 3: us in thirty days. Okay, alrighty, thank you so much.
29:00
Speaker 1: Bye, take care, Hi, Cuty.
29:05
Speaker 2: I think that's so interesting with like how you were
29:07
Speaker 2: saying your attention span gets longer or it's like help
29:10
Speaker 2: with your add It's weird how how that can help.
29:13
Speaker 4: Yeah, because you think add. Yeah, no, you have control
29:17
Speaker 4: over your ADD. I didn't learn that until I started meditating.
29:19
Speaker 1: And it's such a relief.
29:21
Speaker 4: I even, like, you know, even being here is meditative
29:23
Speaker 4: for me because I have so much other stuff going on.
29:25
Speaker 4: I'm skiing, I'm not on my phone, I'm not on
29:27
Speaker 4: socials nearly as much.
29:29
Speaker 1: I barely check anything.
29:31
Speaker 4: And like I saw, my screen time last week was
29:33
Speaker 4: like down forty seven percent. Each week it's down another
29:37
Speaker 4: you know, and I'm like, oh, awesome, awesome, awesome.
29:40
Speaker 1: You know, I don't want to be someone who's sitting
29:42
Speaker 1: here tied to my phone. I don't want to.
29:43
Speaker 4: I mean, it's different because I'm in Whistler, so I
29:45
Speaker 4: have skiing and I have guests all the time. It's
29:48
Speaker 4: different than being at home in La, where I'm you.
29:50
Speaker 1: Know, more prone to be like looking at my.
29:52
Speaker 3: Oh, I think you're busy, so you're like, okay, got
29:54
Speaker 3: to turn my brain off.
29:55
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, But it's it's nice to not be so
29:59
Speaker 4: reliant on your It's nice to not check it or
30:02
Speaker 4: be obsessed or look at your you know, be obsessed
30:05
Speaker 4: with how many how you're posted.
30:07
Speaker 1: You know, it's nice to like let all that go.
30:09
Speaker 1: Not controlling the.
30:10
Speaker 4: Outcome of things is like my my thing this season.
30:15
Speaker 4: Just don't try to control the outcome of things. Let
30:17
Speaker 4: everything happen the way it's supposed to happen. Instead of
30:20
Speaker 4: inserting myself and being like, no, I'm going to make
30:22
Speaker 4: this happen. It's like, no, no, I don't need to
30:24
Speaker 4: make anything happen. I've made enough happen. Now, I want
30:27
Speaker 4: to sit back and enjoy the show.
30:30
Speaker 2: My my thing that I've been sort of focusing on
30:32
Speaker 2: lately is just like taking a beat before making a
30:36
Speaker 2: decision on something or even responding.
30:40
Speaker 3: Sometimes I realize like if I just like give it
30:42
Speaker 3: a couple.
30:42
Speaker 2: Of days, I find I realize new things about the situation.
30:48
Speaker 3: And I also find like I'm not.
30:50
Speaker 2: As activated by it, so I can sort of think
30:52
Speaker 2: more clearly about it.
30:53
Speaker 3: And oftentimes I find like I actually.
30:55
Speaker 2: Don't need to have any drama around that or even
30:58
Speaker 2: confront something or it's usually little stuff, but yeah, I'm
31:02
Speaker 2: finding that to be really helpful is just being like,
31:04
Speaker 2: what if I just don't try to fix this right now?
31:07
Speaker 4: Yeah, and also not reacting to things like sometimes something
31:11
Speaker 4: will happen and I'm like, I don't like that, and
31:13
Speaker 4: then it's like, who cares, It doesn't matter if I
31:15
Speaker 4: don't like it, it doesn't matter. Just move on, Like, don't focus.
31:18
Speaker 4: I don't have to address every single thing I don't like.
31:22
Speaker 3: And it just is like it's nice to let yourself
31:25
Speaker 3: off the hook that you don't have to fix everything,
31:27
Speaker 3: you don't have to deal with everything, and I don't know,
31:31
Speaker 3: it's more relaxing.
31:33
Speaker 2: Our last question comes from Melina. She's twenty eight. Dear Chelsea,
31:38
Speaker 2: my name is Melina. I'm twenty eight Indigenous Navajo, transfeminine, bisexual, single,
31:44
Speaker 2: and I love a Long Island iced tea. Lately, I've
31:47
Speaker 2: been having an issue with one of my two older sisters.
31:50
Speaker 2: I'm the youngest. She's always been a bit troubled. She's
31:53
Speaker 2: matured and has come to find herself in a place
31:55
Speaker 2: of healing from alcoholism and is now staying in the
31:58
Speaker 2: same city as me. Although I'm very happy for her,
32:00
Speaker 2: we were never very close growing up, and we'd have
32:03
Speaker 2: moments where it felt like we would bond, but something
32:05
Speaker 2: would uproot it. I became independent and found success in
32:08
Speaker 2: my own way. I live alone, I work, I've found friends,
32:12
Speaker 2: I have a chosen family, and despite having a bit
32:14
Speaker 2: of a problem with alcohol, I'm overall very happy. My
32:17
Speaker 2: issue is this, my middle sister is starting to come
32:20
Speaker 2: around and trying to care about me. I know it's
32:22
Speaker 2: genuinely coming from a place of love and trying to
32:25
Speaker 2: patch up our past, and while I'm not against that,
32:27
Speaker 2: I really don't feel that I need it. I know
32:30
Speaker 2: how to take care of myself. She wants me to
32:32
Speaker 2: spill all my feelings and lean on her any chance
32:34
Speaker 2: I can, and it annoys me because in the back
32:36
Speaker 2: of my head I want to tell her I don't
32:38
Speaker 2: need an older sister now. I needed one back then.
32:41
Speaker 2: She and I don't have bad blood and I don't
32:43
Speaker 2: harbor resentment for any of the past things. Besides, when
32:46
Speaker 2: she tries to do this, I appreciate it, but at
32:49
Speaker 2: times it feels pushy and intrusive. Am I inconsiderate for
32:52
Speaker 2: not wanting to let her in. I express myself emotionally
32:55
Speaker 2: to a lot of people, but for some reason, she
32:57
Speaker 2: feels more like a stranger than most. Please let me
33:00
Speaker 2: know your thoughts. I love you your mindset, your comedy,
33:02
Speaker 2: your work ethic, and your overall attitude on life. Thanks
33:05
Speaker 2: so much for any advice. Molina.
33:07
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think, Melina.
33:09
Speaker 4: I honestly, what I'm hearing from you is that you're
33:11
Speaker 4: holding a grudge against your sister. And listen, she might
33:14
Speaker 4: be overstepping, but she at least she's trying to be
33:18
Speaker 4: your sister now and you can't change the past. So
33:21
Speaker 4: she didn't show up for you when you wanted her
33:23
Speaker 4: to the most, but she's here now and that kind
33:27
Speaker 4: of like grudge holding isn't helpful. Even if you don't
33:31
Speaker 4: think you're holding a grudge, I'm telling you that's what
33:33
Speaker 4: you're doing. I needed her then, I don't need her
33:35
Speaker 4: now is a grudge. So I think that you could
33:38
Speaker 4: be a little bit more open hearted with her, and
33:41
Speaker 4: you don't have to let her be your confidant, but
33:45
Speaker 4: you can meet her halfway and allow her to be
33:48
Speaker 4: in your life in a loving way, like give back
33:51
Speaker 4: the love that she's showing you. Even if it's pushy
33:54
Speaker 4: to you, just accept it more than reject it, you know,
33:59
Speaker 4: just open it, like yourself to it. And you don't
34:02
Speaker 4: know how nice and helpful it can be at any time,
34:06
Speaker 4: Like you might be going through something down the road
34:08
Speaker 4: in two years and you're going to be so grateful
34:10
Speaker 4: that you have your sister and that you have formed
34:12
Speaker 4: this relationship and.
34:13
Speaker 1: That she's there for you, or vice versa. She may
34:16
Speaker 1: go through something and you're going to be there for her.
34:19
Speaker 4: And like I just I'm always very adamant that you
34:22
Speaker 4: should be as close to your sisters as possible.
34:24
Speaker 1: They're a gift. Having sisters is a gift.
34:27
Speaker 4: And yes they're all fucking annoying on a certain level,
34:30
Speaker 4: but bigger than that is like the love and the
34:33
Speaker 4: history and the memories that you share. You are the
34:35
Speaker 4: only people that were raised by the same people. You
34:38
Speaker 4: are the only people who understand what it was like
34:40
Speaker 4: growing up in your household, and like that is a
34:43
Speaker 4: very very special bond. And so I would say, you know,
34:47
Speaker 4: forget about the past, just focus on what's happening right now.
34:51
Speaker 4: And she's trying to show up for you. Give her
34:53
Speaker 4: a break a little bit.
34:55
Speaker 2: Yeah, we talk a big game on this show specifically
34:59
Speaker 2: about you know, if you're having trouble with a family
35:01
Speaker 2: member and you might need to cut them out of
35:02
Speaker 2: your life for a time. But like people can and
35:05
Speaker 2: do change, and we hope they will in the future.
35:07
Speaker 2: And I think this is a moment where someone is
35:10
Speaker 2: trying to show you that they have changed and is
35:12
Speaker 2: trying to be more open and you know, in a
35:15
Speaker 2: way that feels safe with you. I think you absolutely
35:18
Speaker 2: should try to have a relationship with her. It doesn't
35:22
Speaker 2: have to be spilling all your guts, you know, keep
35:24
Speaker 2: it light, keep it surface, especially in the beginning, until
35:27
Speaker 2: you find out you know what works for you. She
35:30
Speaker 2: doesn't have to be your best friend, but if she's
35:32
Speaker 2: someone that you go to coffee with a couple of
35:34
Speaker 2: times a month or once a month, I think that
35:36
Speaker 2: that can be really enriching to both of your lives,
35:39
Speaker 2: and I would say give it a shot.
35:42
Speaker 1: Yeah, agreed with that.
35:44
Speaker 3: All right, thanks Molina, keep us posted.
35:46
Speaker 4: Okay, So we'll take a break to wrap up and
35:48
Speaker 4: we'll be right back. And we're back, okay with Chelsea
35:56
Speaker 4: Handler and Catherine La Hi.
36:00
Speaker 3: Okay, So I'll give you a choice.
36:01
Speaker 2: Do you want to do bad finances or sexual harassment bartender?
36:06
Speaker 4: I'll take sexual harassment for five hundred please, okay.
36:11
Speaker 2: Rachel is a bartender in the Midwest. Dear Chelsea, I'm
36:15
Speaker 2: a thirty three year old bartender in Ohio. I live
36:18
Speaker 2: in a small city and most of my patrons are men.
36:20
Speaker 2: They range from early afternoon retirees to midday happy hour guys,
36:24
Speaker 2: varying anywhere between blue collar workers to white collar lawyers
36:27
Speaker 2: and bankers. Our evening crowd is younger than me and
36:30
Speaker 2: most definitely upbeat. They are culturally opposite from the daytime
36:34
Speaker 2: usuals in most aspects, from what they drink to how
36:37
Speaker 2: they tip, and what songs they play on the jukebox.
36:39
Speaker 2: But one thing remains pretty common. These Midwest men think
36:43
Speaker 2: that telling women to smile and commenting on boob's body
36:46
Speaker 2: clothing is friendly and flirty or worse flattering, they're commonly
36:52
Speaker 2: explicitly sexist, and that makes my feminist.
36:54
Speaker 1: Blood boil me too.
36:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love my coworkers and bosses, so leaving isn't ideal.
37:01
Speaker 2: And I also assume, like anywhere else she goes, it's
37:03
Speaker 2: going to be the same thing. I have thick skin
37:05
Speaker 2: and can brush a lot off. Don't get me wrong,
37:08
Speaker 2: I speak my mind sometimes to a fault. My problem
37:11
Speaker 2: is about income. My pay is almost totally tip based,
37:15
Speaker 2: So how do I balance my inner go fuck yourself
37:17
Speaker 2: and otherwise stand up for myself with the reality that
37:20
Speaker 2: I'm relying on mostly sexist men for the majority of
37:23
Speaker 2: my income. How do I play nice enough to make
37:26
Speaker 2: money and still keep my dignity. Most of my attempts
37:29
Speaker 2: have left me with gaslighting or misplaced anger, which I
37:32
Speaker 2: can handle, but the zero dollar tip on the line
37:35
Speaker 2: that's hard to handle.
37:36
Speaker 3: Seeking your input, Rachel.
37:39
Speaker 4: We talked about this a little bit a couple episodes ago,
37:42
Speaker 4: about framing the way that you talk to people who
37:44
Speaker 4: are disrespecting you or treating you in a sexist manner,
37:47
Speaker 4: and I think this is I was talking with my
37:50
Speaker 4: girlfriends on the chair lift yesterday about it too, because
37:52
Speaker 4: there is a way to talk to men without making
37:54
Speaker 4: them defensive about what they're saying. There's a way to
37:57
Speaker 4: be jocular about it, like to say, oh God.
38:00
Speaker 1: Can you imagine the situation I'm in.
38:02
Speaker 4: I'm sitting here behind a bar, working for you, relying
38:05
Speaker 4: on the money that you're gonna give me, and then
38:07
Speaker 4: you just get to talk to me the way whatever
38:09
Speaker 4: way you want.
38:10
Speaker 1: Can you imagine what it's like to be a woman?
38:12
Speaker 4: Like there are playful ways to address what's happening to
38:16
Speaker 4: you without it becoming a problem. Now, not every man
38:20
Speaker 4: is going to be open to that conversation or enlightened
38:22
Speaker 4: by that tone, but there are men, and I think
38:25
Speaker 4: you can discern which men those are going to be.
38:28
Speaker 4: Where it's worth it and where it's not worth it,
38:30
Speaker 4: Because it's not worth it for you to kind of
38:32
Speaker 4: bite your tongue every single time you get sexually harassed
38:35
Speaker 4: or dismissed as being like, you know, just being objectified
38:38
Speaker 4: or whatever. But I think it is worth it to
38:40
Speaker 4: go at men a little bit in a way that
38:42
Speaker 4: they can swallow, which is playful, kind of like, you know,
38:46
Speaker 4: not so serious, not strident, not screaming, not yelling, but
38:50
Speaker 4: just like, oh god, I wish you guys could feel
38:52
Speaker 4: what it's like to be me for a day, can you?
38:54
Speaker 4: You know, like really just playing with the idea. And
38:57
Speaker 4: that's not the only way to do it. There are
38:59
Speaker 4: probably fifty other ways to do it. But so that
39:02
Speaker 4: you don't feel like you didn't say anything, and you
39:06
Speaker 4: also don't feel like it was fall it fell on
39:08
Speaker 4: deaf ears. You want to feel like you said something,
39:11
Speaker 4: it mattered and you stood up for yourself. And you
39:13
Speaker 4: can't control the outcome of that either, but at least
39:16
Speaker 4: you're not rolling over.
39:17
Speaker 2: If there's somebody who is being an ongoing problem. I
39:21
Speaker 2: do love taking it from a perspective that's like not
39:24
Speaker 2: just God, you're horrible, you know.
39:27
Speaker 3: I think also, you know, waiting to say something until
39:29
Speaker 3: after you close out their tib and get the tip.
39:33
Speaker 2: I heard something the other day, and this was from
39:35
Speaker 2: someone who I believe is like a stripper, but she said,
39:40
Speaker 2: and I don't know if this is something that you
39:41
Speaker 2: can pull off at your bar, like talk to management,
39:43
Speaker 2: talk to the bouncers and things, but basically telling them like, hey,
39:48
Speaker 2: we have an extra fee. Anytime there's a comment like that,
39:50
Speaker 2: and it actually gets added to your bill, so like
39:53
Speaker 2: keep them coming, and like anytime they make a comment
39:56
Speaker 2: like that, a fifteen dollars, you know, fifteen bucks gets
39:58
Speaker 2: added to their tab.
39:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, maybe that's a good idea too.
40:02
Speaker 2: Like basically there's a penalty for like talking like that
40:04
Speaker 2: and like feel free, go ahead, but every time you
40:06
Speaker 2: make a comment or you know, talk about my boobs
40:09
Speaker 2: or whatever, fifteen bucks is getting added to your tab
40:11
Speaker 2: or whatever price you decide could be a fun way
40:13
Speaker 2: to handle it. And then you're sort of like reclaiming
40:16
Speaker 2: the power and they can stop or they can keep going,
40:18
Speaker 2: and then you just make a bunch of money.
40:20
Speaker 4: Okay, cool, good luck, Rachel, Well, Chelsea, Yes, yes, Catherine,
40:26
Speaker 4: we really did it today.
40:27
Speaker 1: We really did.
40:28
Speaker 3: Lots of men behaving badly, very unusual, very such a shock,
40:33
Speaker 3: such a shock.
40:34
Speaker 1: Okay, you have a great day. Thanks guys. Okay, guy,
40:38
Speaker 1: So for stand up.
40:40
Speaker 4: I'm coming to Salt Lake City on April fourth, and
40:43
Speaker 4: I'm coming to Denver, Colorado, and April fifth. Tickets are
40:46
Speaker 4: still available for those two. Maricopa, Arizona is April twelfth,
40:51
Speaker 4: and then Brooks, California is April thirteenth. And we added
40:55
Speaker 4: a second show in Sydney, and we added a second
40:58
Speaker 4: show in Prior Lake, Minnesota, which is now going to
41:01
Speaker 4: be May twenty fourth. We added the Santa Barbara Bowl,
41:05
Speaker 4: which is so fun. I performed there last year. That's
41:07
Speaker 4: August seventeenth, the Santa Barbara Bowl. We ended a second
41:11
Speaker 4: show at Santa Rosa on August second, and we added
41:16
Speaker 4: two dates at Hawaii. Guys, I'm coming to Hawaii on
41:20
Speaker 4: July nineteenth.
41:22
Speaker 1: To CA Who Louis.
41:24
Speaker 4: I'm going to be at CA Who Louis, and then
41:27
Speaker 4: I'm coming on July twenty at to Honolulu. And I
41:31
Speaker 4: just added another date on August first Auburn, Washington. So
41:35
Speaker 4: and all my Australia and New Zealand dates are up,
41:39
Speaker 4: and I will be announcing a European tour shortly, so
41:43
Speaker 4: I will be coming there. And I'm coming to Oklahoma.
41:45
Speaker 4: I have two dates at Oklahoma May third, which is
41:49
Speaker 4: my mother's birthday, Norman, Oklahoma, and May fourth, I will
41:52
Speaker 4: be in.
41:52
Speaker 1: Thackerville, Oklahoma.
41:53
Speaker 4: So Oklahomians, Oklahomas, Oklahom's come bye.
41:59
Speaker 3: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email
42:01
Speaker 3: at Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com and be
42:04
Speaker 3: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited
42:07
Speaker 3: and engineered by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and
42:11
Speaker 3: be sure to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot
42:13
Speaker 3: com