Latest / Just Us Sisters / Episode 7: Raising Parents
Transcript
- speaker-0: Welcome to Just speaker-2: Sister's podcast. speaker-3: Life doesn't speaker-0: Come with annual. speaker-1: We made a pot speaker-0: My name Susan Allen and I'm going to be the host of today's podcast. And then there's my number two sisters, Cheryl Visnik, number three, Shelly Ford, and number four, Stacey Hayes. Welcome to episode seven of Raising Parents. We have an extra guest here with us today. This is my mom and the other sisters. And my mom. And all of them. Yes. speaker-3: Mom? speaker-0: This is Sandra Rouse and ⁓ I've had the privilege of having her as mom the longest. ⁓ And so anyway, we're excited about having her on our podcast today. So we are talking about raising parents today. We were raised around our grandparents all of our lives. And I know that that may not be the case ⁓ with a lot of our listeners. but it was truly a blessing for us. As our grandparents started aging, our parents designed a home, kind of like a multifamily home, where my grandparents would have their own living space, kitchen, primary bedroom, and ⁓ then they had a shared guest room with a secondary bathroom. But when you drove up to the home, it looked like they were all under one roof. So, mom, I know that you designed that home. Why did you design it like that? speaker-5: Well, we had talked about them ⁓ that my folks wanted to move down with us and we had talked about it with them and Charlie and I talked about kind of house we'd want and they were talking about a house next door to us being built that we would have it built and one day Charlie said, you know, your mother will not stay in a house alone if something happens to your dad. So we'll have two out will have to take care of. And I said, yeah, I'm thinking about that. So I went to sleep and I was awakened to ⁓ this house plan. I really felt that it was the Lord showing me what to do because I am not a designer. I love to do that, but I'm not. And what I came up with was a house with some of their ⁓ floor plans. that they had in their house in the ranch in Oklahoma and our floor plan, because we really liked them, especially in the measurements of the rooms. And that's what we went by, and I flew up to Oklahoma and measured their rooms and talked it over with them. But I failed to tell you that my, I told Charlie, but. One thing I don't think my dad will go for living with ⁓ and it wasn't but a couple of days he called and he said, you know, I've just been thinking, is there some way we could build a place together? I was dancing around all over the place. That was answered prayer. It was answered prayer. I mean, it was so evident because it's just not my dad's nature. And I said, yes, I have the plan. I'll be up there. And that's when I flew up there and measured and we talked about it and they got really excited about that. So that's where we started. speaker-0: So mom, what was the pros and the cons to having grand and pop, your parents, move in with you? speaker-5: Well, it was a big adjustment for both families. It was just an adjustment. mean, any time you try to combine two families, you're going to run into problems. I feel that your dad and I, we have always, from the beginning of our dating actually, in high school, as time went on and we got to know each other better and realized that God had put us together. and that we needed to ⁓ seek his will in our life. And that's the way we've lived our lives. So of course, that was the first place we went to with a problem was the Lord. And we really feel that God spoke to mom and dad as well as us. speaker-2: So what speaker-0: was your greatest challenge when they moved in? speaker-5: Pop, you know, had been on a ranch for quite a while and he missed that. And we were in town, but it was outside of, know, it was more like house in the city, but in the country. Five, five years. speaker-0: Because you all lived on how many acres? Okay, so you lived on five acres. So do you feel like that having your parents move in impacted your marriage any? speaker-5: We don't. We've always talked about everything and if there's any disagreements, we just work through. I don't think it can impact our marriage in any way. speaker-0: So what do you think is the greatest reward that you received from having your parents move in? speaker-5: The greatest reward is just knowing that they were close by and we could watch after them. Both my parents had had cancer. They actually were really pretty healthy, but they did have a lot of different things to go wrong. And they, like we are now, need help with certain things. And we just... ⁓ My mom, she'd sit there with her hockey book, as she'd call it, waiting for us to say, let's go to a ball game. ⁓ you know, it was not a challenge to me. don't, the girls may have a different opinion because they were younger. They could have a different opinion about it. ⁓ speaker-0: know is that it was, I don't know about the rest of you, but it was just such a blessing growing up around our grandparents. Having that generations experience and their insight and wisdom with us all the time. was such a blessing to me. What about the rest of y'all? What kind of experience did you have with them living there? speaker-1: Stacey was the only one still at home when Grant and Pop moved in. speaker-2: Yeah, I loved it. I loved being able to walk over and just talk to them and watch Wheel of Fortune with Gran and you know, it was for them to come to all of the basketball games that I played in. I think it was my junior and senior year. Very blessed to have them close by. speaker-0: Would you do anything different in the design of the house or in the way y'all moved your parents in? And we haven't even mentioned that once Dad's stepdad died, you took a barn and made it into Barnaminium and moved his mom there. So at one point y'all had two moms living on the same property with y'all. Would you do anything different? speaker-5: I don't think so because Granny was happy to be alone and Graham was happy to be with us. So, you know, my folks would eat their breakfast and lunch alone within their own place. And that was the convenience of having the extra kitchen and dining room actually too. It was just part of our life having them there and not being interfering with each other's lives. was, it's a real blessing. I know that doesn't always end up being the case, but I, from my experience, every one of you kids have had your in-laws living with you or some family member and, and you have worked through it. Now, if there's difficulties, you work through it. You don't talk behind each other's backs and things like that. You work through those. situations. It's a blessing when God says if you do this you'll have a reward and you do and you don't do it for that but I can tell you it's just one of the greatest blessings you can have in your life. speaker-0: And I agree. And that's the example that you guys set for us. I probably am out of all the girls, I'm the only one who has not had my parents or my in-laws live with me. And so we'll talk about that more in just a little bit, because I want to get the perspective of my sisters and having their in-laws. And now... Shelly and my brother-in-law Andy live with my parents in a home that's kind of similar to the one mom designed. You just don't have your own kitchen. And we'll talk about that in just a moment. speaker-3: Good. speaker-4: Okay, so... speaker-0: I know that all of you have... speaker-4: had same experience as mom. And so, tell us how long you had your in-laws living with you and what year and how long. speaker-0: and when that happened. speaker-1: For me, it was 2004. My in-laws came to live with us and eventually ended up living with us for 15 years, all said and done. My father-in-law passed away eight years before my mother-in-law. So 15 years for my in-laws. And then there was a three month gap. And then we've been with our parents, my parents, my husband and I for the last six years. speaker-4: with mom and dad. Has it been six years? Yeah. Wow. Okay, so girl, what about you? speaker-3: We had Papa John for about four years from 2000, I want to say one to 2005. He might have died in 2006. speaker-2: Casey's parents in 2020 right before COVID. They were both very ill and his dad was with us for about 10 weeks and then he passed away. And then we had his mother for two years, maybe three, three years after that. And then she went to an assisted living because she needed more help than that we could provide. speaker-0: I'm curious how you speaker-4: You and your husbands came to that decision to move your own law in with you. Shall we all come to that decision? speaker-1: point, my mother-in-law had a health scare. And because I had told my husband before we even got married that just personally we don't put our parents or in-laws in homes, we knew that it was time to start looking for a house that would accommodate both of us. You know, I can just say we have all been so blessed because while our grandmother, my mother's mother, did experience a little bit of dementia at the end, she was healthy. My grandmother on my dad's side, my dad's mother was healthy and Francis and Bob were healthy. There's people that have it so much worse because we have friends, Stacey and I have a friend who's dealing with father who has dementia and she is the caretaker. He doesn't live with her, but every day, you know, she goes and interacts and that's a whole different. Yeah, it's been 21 years for me, but it's different because our parents are healthy and are even able to get around themselves. And that makes a big difference. If there comes a time that there's a medical necessity for them to go into some type of extra care, then we'll deal with that when it comes. But right now, you know, it's just a blessing to have them here. speaker-3: So, ⁓ I think Johnny had gotten three or four phone calls from his friends and people in industry Texas where Papa John lived and they were they weren't the calls that you you wanted to get they would say you know your dad doesn't need to be driving anymore you know we saw him driving into a ditch and then out and so we decided to first take the car away but we just disabled it well Johnny did and he knew the town mechanic so that didn't He just had the car fixed where it could run again. So after that, we just decided it was time to bring Papa John to Georgetown. speaker-2: Ours was, his parents were ill. They had both been in the hospital. His sister, they lived in Amarillo and his sister was their sole caretaker. They didn't live with her, but like the whole burden of going to visit them all the time was on her. And she had a daughter in high school and really needed to give her attention. And we were empty nesters and we talked about it and decided to bring them home with us. And that was a whole ordeal in itself. thankful for Cheryl and Johnny. We used their A-Class RV because it was going to cost us like 30 to 50 thousand dollars to get an ambulance. But we got them to our house in Georgetown, had it set up just for them, and we were able to take care of him and Betty, definitely him for his last weeks of life. speaker-4: I know that change is always hard, right? Change is change. But what were the pros and what were the cons of that decision that you girls made? speaker-2: pros were I got to know his parents. I got to know Gary in those last week. They lived far away from us and we didn't see them often and I got to know him and I got to know Betty as well. Longer term, we got to get Betty healthy and she lived her best life for four years and she went a lot of places with us that she had never been. So that was a lot of fun. The cons? Gary didn't sleep. We didn't think about that. never slept. He needed attention all the time. Thankfully, was during COVID where some friends of ours had lost their job and we were able to hire them to come and help us. They didn't have any experience, but they did such an amazing job. Just to give us a break every once in a while from having to be the full-time caregiver to Gary was so helpful and nobody prepares you. What if they don't sleep? It's like a newborn baby but they don't take naps. so that was rough on both of us. speaker-4: for. speaker-3: would say crows were pretty much the same. The kids and I really got to know. Papa John, and we didn't get to know his wife, Johnny's mom, Minnie. But with him living there, we heard stories, and it was just neat to get to know from a perspective of a 90-year-old, know, stories from the war, and just he would look at these laptops and say, what's going on in there? And we just never could explain what was going on in here. But anyway, the cons, and I did permission to tell this. The kids would like to have teenagers come over and watch movies, you know, late in the night on the weekends. Well, Papa John, he liked to sleep in the nude and he also liked to wander around. So I guess the cons would be our kids and some of their friends got exposed to something that was probably not a lot of fun. But we laugh about it now. speaker-2: Our kids still talk about. speaker-0: out of your mind. speaker-3: ⁓ yeah, they were over there. speaker-2: One really neat thing was that we all got to know each other's in law throughout that whole process. Yes. So we knew Andy's parents. We had dinner with them. She would give us things to take home. I still have silver champagne glasses that she sent home with Papa John. We have more stories about Papa John than we could share. And that's a neat experience that a lot of people don't get to have. speaker-4: right and ⁓ speaker-1: was raised around her grandparents. She was four when they came into our home and she had graduated from high school when her paternal grandmother passed away and she now has no problem communicating with any age group. because it comes natural. And I love that she had the opportunity to get to know them before they passed away. And I would say the con is we didn't always agree on everything and definitely had to compromise. My father-in-law wanted to put this huge ham radio antenna smack in the middle of our gorgeous ridge view. And I just dug my heels in and said, no, but I'll find a solution. And Frances pulled me aside once and she said, I don't think anyone's ever told Bob no. But we came to a solution and anytime you're living with in-laws or your parents, it's about compromise. ⁓ you you're gonna have disagreements, but you know, it's respectful disagreements all said and done. speaker-5: Yeah. speaker-4: Well, I know that some of you have spoken to the adjustment of no sleep and having to bring in friends to help and someone that likes to sleep in the nude and probably having to provide pajamas. But were there any other major adjustments that y'all had to go through? Did you have to change anything in your home to make it more senior accessible or anything like that? speaker-3: Thanks speaker-0: for any. speaker-2: that. to change diapers, which I never knew how to do that before on a grown person. So the first time I thought you did it like a baby and I had his legs in the air and he was saying, Jesus, take me home. I called a friend who had that experience and she came and showed us how to do it because that first time I had three diapers that were duct taped on them, just to have them covered. You know, so I mean that it's a learning experience the whole thing. think the biggest adjustment though was they lose their freedom. think they're losing their freedom and partially they do. You know, they don't own their home anymore. They sometimes they don't own their own time and and some and Betty like to go and I Casey and I come home from work exhausted and she would be sitting at the door with their purse saying I'm ready. going anywhere but she wanted to go so it is an adjustment it's an adjustment on the couple it's an adjustment on the parent and and you work through it and you're butt heads sometimes we butted heads a few times she wanted to be in control and we didn't want her to think that she wasn't but there were things that we couldn't do and and so speaker-4: Did have to share a kitchen Stacey? know Shelley did you have to share a kitchen Shelley? No they have their speaker-1: Not with my in-laws. We had a home very similar to mom and dad's in that it was two houses in one. So it was a real blessing. speaker-4: So what was it like having to share a kitchen with another woman? speaker-0: Stacy, what? speaker-2: Yeah, she didn't cook anymore. We would set up for her to make a meal that she used to make, you know, a long time ago, but Casey would always help her do that. We wanted her to feel like she was ⁓ still really contributing. And that was one way that we got to do that. But she didn't cook. Casey made her breakfast like he does me. And then we'd set her out something for lunch, and then we would have dinner together. speaker-1: I would say Cherokee is the baker and cook that she is today because of Mimi. She took her to her kitchen, showed her how to make pancakes and things and I wasn't a cook so she got that even though it wasn't for me and she's a phenomenal baker and cook at this time. speaker-3: of our greatest challenges was we would tell Papa John, while we're not here, you can't go in the shop. He said, okay, okay. And so we'd get home and Johnny would go out and his cane would be in the shop. And he'd come back in, he said, Dad, you're not supposed to go out in the shop. ⁓ I didn't go out there. Well, here's your cane. I don't know how he got out there. So we ended up having to lock that thing up. And then the second thing was he, uh, in his older age, which, mean, like 93, 94, we'd have friends or family come over and, um, he'd really enjoy going to hug the women and he'd get a little feel when he'd go in for his hug. So we had to tell everybody. Yeah, you had to go in like this. Yeah, well, we'd tell everybody, let's make sure you go in with your side hug. So those were the two challenges we had. But my goodness, if those were the only challenges, it wasn't bad at all. speaker-4: Cheryl, you alluded to having to take the car away. Did any of the rest of you have to take cars or keys away from your in-laws? speaker-2: We did from Betty. She had been driving and then she got ill and was in the hospital, but she didn't understand that she didn't need to drive anymore. And especially here in the Georgetown, because it's different than Fridge. And so, you know, that was tough. That's part of that losing a little bit of freedom. But after a while, I don't think she missed it. I think she truly enjoyed being ⁓ chauffeured around and taken care of. speaker-1: till his death and Francis was blind in one eye and couldn't see out the other. So the state of Texas kind of solved that problem for me. And currently our mom and dad both still drive. We are not looking forward to the time that the keys have to be taken away from my dad. And thank goodness that's not the case right now, but that's great. speaker-4: You'll do a great job with that. speaker-3: Yeah, you will. speaker-2: Uber on the ready all the time for them. speaker-4: So what would y'all speaker-2: I think when Shelly put her house up for sale that had the two living areas, I think that if I would have known that we were going to get Casey's parents, I think we would have bought that house just to have so they could have their space. Gary couldn't get up out of bed, but Betty liked her space. And so I think that would have been very important. It worked how we had it. know, at first we had a very large house and then we moved to and it was a little smaller, but we weren't here all the time either. So she kind of felt like she had her own place. But I think that's important to keep them as independent as long as you can. speaker-4: free. speaker-3: Well, in. speaker-1: Our 28 year marriage, Andy and I have been by ourselves for two years. And I have zero regrets for that because, you my mom, as you heard, and dad set the example that we take care of our own. And that became very important to me. It was a prenup going into my marriage and I have no regrets for it. speaker-3: We wouldn't have done anything different except for, you know, giving pajamas like you said. speaker-4: So after living with you for a while, did y'all have to come up with any, I don't know if any of y'all have mentioned this, but any other living arrangement? Did you have to move them somewhere else? And if so, if you don't mind, why and how did they do? speaker-1: Stacy kind of alluded to that with Betty. speaker-2: Yeah, we, um, Betty got very ill again, um, in 2023 and she was in a coma for 10 days. We did not think she was going to make it and had the whole family down and based off of the doctor's advice to say their goodbyes. And we were all in the room and everybody said their goodbyes. We went to lunch, we came back and she was awake. Hey kids. So after that, those she had 10 days in a coma is a long time and for somebody 80 years old and we could not take care of her physically like she needed. She needed constant physical therapy, occupational therapy, and we found her an assisted living home to live in and they were so good to her. And I will tell you, she ran that place for two years. was, she was everybody's friend. She was the mayor. of Brookdale and I would not have changed that for anything. And she was never lonely. always had a game to go play that was dominoes or cards or exercise class to go to. And at first we're very sad that we were having to place her there, but after about two months, we knew that she was in the right place. speaker-3: Papa John decided he wanted to try out one of those assisted living places. And we kept telling him we didn't think he'd enjoy it, but he insisted. we found a really nice one in Georgetown and we put him in. And like the third day, maybe second, we got a call from the director that we needed to come have a visit. And obviously, you know what he liked to do. speaker-4: Was he running around naked? speaker-3: Yeah, and they said we're not going to be able to do that here. And so we came back home. He didn't like it anyway. He didn't like it there. But it's good to let him try. know, they're 95 years old. At that time he was 95. So it didn't bother us. speaker-4: So at what age did you lose Papa John? speaker-3: He was 96. I think Johnny and I were talking earlier, I think it was 2006. speaker-0: They see when speaker-4: When did you lose Gary and Betty? speaker-2: Gary was 76 and Betty was 80. speaker-3: ⁓ what year? speaker-4: Wow. Okay. And Shelly, what about you? speaker-5: Yeah. speaker-1: was 88 and Francis was 94. speaker-4: Wow. What amazing, long, fruitful lives that these people lived. And then to end it with... with the ability to live with their kids and their grandkids in some situations. And I know that our listeners, they don't all have that opportunity. Some of them don't even live near their parents or grandparents. And very few of us have the opportunity to live in a home that has two separate living areas and two separate kitchens. And we understand that. But we just wanted to be able to share our experience with, and I learned a lot today from y'all, ⁓ and we just wanted to share our experience with our listeners. speaker-1: I just want to add there is absolutely no judgment for those that, because I mean it is a calling and there is no judgment for those that that choose not to bring them into the home but end up having to put them into an assisted living and and such but what my encouragement would be to is to go visit them because man we've been to those places and it can be very very lonely so speaker-4: If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to put them in there and we would love to be able to answer those and hear your comments and hear your experiences with your parents or in-laws. I hope that you got from this podcast today that life is messy and meaningful, but better when shared. Like us. Comment. Thanks for joining us. speaker-0: I'm happy. speaker-3: Share us. speaker-2: Subscribe Bye speaker-3: We need to do a podcast on chin hairs. speaker-1: Thanks.