Latest / The Inspired Speaker Network / Beyond Consent: Raising Children Who Respect & Care for Others

Transcript

Beyond Consent: Raising Children Who Respect & Care for Others · The Inspired Speaker Network

0:00
Welcome to the Guiding Parent podcast, where you'll find the mindset and tools to parent
0:04
with greater confidence, clarity, and purpose, even when there aren't any easy answers.
0:09
Together, we're going to explore how to better nurture and guide our children to support who
0:13
they are and who they're becoming, so that they can fulfill their unique potential and
0:18
pride in our ever-changing world.
0:20
I'm Tammy Ulrich, your host, parenting and early childhood educator, mom, and most fun,
0:26
Tammy.
0:27
And I'm Shannon, your co-host.
0:29
I'm Tammy's daughter and mom to a very energetic little dude called H.
0:33
We're glad you're here.
0:35
Let's get started.
0:36
This week on the podcast, we're going to discuss issues around consent and body
0:43
autonomy and empathy.
0:45
And so this podcast is in response to some of these heavier topics that have shown up
0:49
in our news cycle recently, but we're not really focused on that aspect of this
0:54
conversation.
0:55
I do want to offer just a really quick trigger warning that if that's a heavy topic
0:59
for you, that we will touch briefly on sexual assault and sex in general.
1:04
And so if this isn't the right time for you to engage with those topics, please honor
1:08
yourself and maybe save this one for later.
1:10
Thanks, Shannon.
1:11
When these stories tend to pop up, there often is this onslaught of people being all
1:19
concerned and asking, you know, what are you doing to make sure your son isn't one
1:23
of these, you know, one of these people that are showing up in the news or, you
1:27
know, what are you doing to make sure your sons don't act in detrimental ways
1:31
towards women?
1:33
And unfortunately, there's even conversations around what do these women
1:36
do to, you know, to deserve to be assaulted.
1:41
And there's just so much out there and there's so much we could go into and
1:46
say about these issues.
1:48
But what we really want to focus on is what we believe to be the fundamental
1:53
question.
1:54
How do we raise children who genuinely care for and respect other people?
2:00
And so that's absolutely about consent and it does include sex, but it isn't just
2:06
about sex or preventing assault.
2:08
It's about respecting others.
2:10
It's about developing empathy, understanding and respecting other people's feelings,
2:18
understanding boundaries and the rights to body autonomy.
2:22
And it's not just about simply not harming other people, but to develop the
2:28
compassion and the courage to help or protect someone who is vulnerable or is
2:33
being mistreated.
2:35
So this doesn't just start by talking to our teenagers about sex or when these
2:40
issues arise to, you know, to now was the time to talk about it.
2:44
Actually, it starts in infancy and it starts as early as those diaper changes
2:49
when we're sportscasting.
2:51
If you're not familiar with what sportscasting is, it's when we are kind
2:55
of narrating the actions about what's happening around our children, what's
2:59
happening, you know, we've noticed that they look at something and we narrate
3:03
kind of what they're looking at or what's happening.
3:06
So it starts with diaper changes.
3:08
Instead of just swooping in and grabbing baby and popping him down on
3:12
the changing table, we take a moment and go a little bit slower and just
3:16
say, okay, it's time for a diaper change.
3:18
I'm coming to swoop you up now.
3:19
And then as we put them on the diaper on the diaper table, you know, talking
3:23
about, okay, I'm taking off your diaper now and oh, here comes wipe.
3:26
It's probably a little cold and just narrating what we're what we're
3:30
going through.
3:31
And so in any of the things that we're doing with children, even
3:33
before they're verbal, you know, we're talking about what's happening
3:37
with them and their bodies.
3:39
Yeah.
3:40
So even before, obviously they can engage with us verbally about what's
3:43
happening, that there's still kind of a more active participant in
3:48
whatever is going on rather than just having these things done to
3:51
them.
3:52
Exactly.
3:54
And so then, you know, we think about some infancy and then maybe you
3:57
have a child that's a little bit older and you start to notice their
4:00
reactions to, you know, when family comes over and if, you know, grandma
4:05
comes in the front door and they're not super excited about running
4:08
and giving her a hug.
4:09
So then maybe you provide additional options like, Hey, grandma's here.
4:13
And, you know, it's important in our family that we greet grandma.
4:16
If you don't want to give her a hug, you're welcome to, you know, give
4:18
her a wave.
4:19
And so we can reinforce if it's the family value that we greet people
4:23
when they enter our homes, which I think that's the family value in a
4:26
lot of instances, that we still honor that while giving our child an
4:29
option that honors their own autonomy.
4:32
Absolutely.
4:33
I, you know, I experienced that firsthand between, between my two grandkids.
4:39
There's one that, you know, I just want to swoop them up and hug them
4:42
and, you know, but I have one who is very affectionate and huggy and
4:48
just has that, that personality and another who's a little bit more
4:54
reserved and I'll get that initial hug, but it's with a little bit
4:58
more reservation and needs a little bit more space.
5:00
So I have to, I have to know who they are and respect that.
5:04
And I know as a grandparent, it can be a little bit difficult
5:08
sometimes to, to hold back when you haven't seen them and you
5:11
want to, you know, you just, you're excited to be there, but we
5:15
have to also keep in mind, they haven't, for many of us, we'd live
5:19
far away, you know, mine are on opposite, opposite sides of the tree.
5:23
That are the farthest we could get from each other.
5:26
And so I don't see them all the time.
5:28
So they don't have a, you know, they don't have that same
5:32
day-to-day relationship.
5:34
So in some ways, then, you know, have to give them a little bit of
5:38
opportunity to get familiar again, rather than, and it can
5:42
be kind of like a stranger coming in or somebody, you know,
5:44
but you haven't seen for a lot, but you don't have that
5:46
closeness, you need to give a little bit of space.
5:50
And in doing so, we help our kids to start to learn how to
5:53
communicate their boundaries, that, you know, it's okay to
5:56
say no in certain situations.
6:00
And it also helps them to start to understand how to deal
6:04
with disappointment.
6:05
It's really two sides of the same thing.
6:09
You know, we need them to give them the opportunity to say
6:12
no, so that they can speak up for their boundaries, but they
6:17
also need to be hearing no, so that they are learning to deal
6:20
with disappointment, that we can't always get what we want.
6:23
People, I may want something, and, you know, sometimes my
6:27
friends don't want that too.
6:29
So I can't always get that, and that's okay.
6:35
And so that includes accepting, that means for us, accepting
6:38
when our child doesn't want hugs or closeness, and then in
6:42
turn, helping them to understand when their friend
6:44
doesn't want hugs or closeness.
6:47
Yeah, and keeping in mind that like our reaction to their
6:50
no is modeling as well.
6:52
You know, how do we deal with disappointment?
6:55
Right.
6:55
And so, you know, to go beyond that, this also has the
6:58
little caveat of having to acknowledge that there are
7:01
certain care needs that our kids are just stuck with.
7:06
There's no, there's no getting around those.
7:08
Like you got to brush your teeth, but not negotiable.
7:12
But we can present those sorts of care needs in a way
7:15
that still honors that they do have, you know, autonomy
7:20
and that they are responsible for their own bodies.
7:23
So, you know, hey, time to brush your teeth.
7:26
Do you want to do it or do you want my help?
7:28
Or, you know, if we're at the doctor's office, explaining
7:30
to them why it's appropriate for the doctor to engage
7:33
with their bodies.
7:36
And to like, I remember things with a certain little
7:40
little guy who was just like bounding through the world
7:45
at large, you know, didn't want to stop.
7:48
You know, there was the rule that you had to stop
7:49
and hold hands to cross the street.
7:52
And a certain little person did not want to hold hands
7:54
to do that. He was on his own and he was ready to go.
7:58
He was about to be about his best.
7:59
Yeah, it became a major thing of like, dude, if we're
8:03
going to cross the street, you must be holding my hand.
8:05
Right. You know, the options are for you to hold my
8:08
hand or we're not going anywhere.
8:10
And so it's got to be, you know, on him, put your hand
8:13
in my hand or if we're standing on this corner
8:15
or I have to scoop you up to keep you safe.
8:18
And so for a lot of his little life, that was the
8:21
major emphasis, like, hey, dude, my job as your
8:23
parent is to keep you safe.
8:25
And so I'm going to do these things because it's my
8:28
job to keep you safe.
8:30
And that's exactly what we can say when we do
8:32
need to override their autonomy is that it's my
8:36
job to keep you safe.
8:37
And that includes all the things to keep you
8:39
healthy and clean and sanitary, you know, all of
8:43
those those pieces.
8:44
We also want to help them to understand that,
8:48
you know, we love that spontaneous affection that
8:51
comes from that comes from children and certainly
8:53
don't want to, you know, cut that in any way.
8:57
But at the same time, helping them to understand
9:02
that they may want to hug their friend and be
9:04
excited to see them.
9:05
But maybe their friend doesn't want a hug right
9:08
now. So helping to learn to ask before, you know,
9:11
pouncing pouncing friend with a big old hug or,
9:14
you know, anybody really that that we need to
9:17
give space for people to for permissions for
9:20
consent before we before we engage.
9:24
Yeah.
9:24
And if we're talking about, you know, kids like
9:26
that, then, you know, that also translates
9:28
obviously into how they're playing with each
9:31
other. And, you know, particularly my experience
9:34
with with Henry was around a lot around rough
9:36
and tumble play and, you know, him wrestling
9:39
with his friend then we sort of had to get to a
9:43
point where it was, you know, active teaching
9:45
and navigating that situation because both sides
9:49
would frequently go too far.
9:50
And so you start to have, you know, hey, look
9:54
at your friend's face.
9:55
Like, do they look like they're having fun?
9:57
And obviously, for super young children, that's
9:59
not something that they're going to immediately
10:01
be able to discern.
10:03
And, you know, it might be that, hey, we need to
10:05
stop for a second and check in with each other,
10:06
make sure both people are still having a good
10:08
time, that this is OK.
10:10
And, you know, at the same time, we can start
10:13
to teach them, like, hey, look at your friend
10:14
like his he's not smiling.
10:16
It doesn't look like he's having a good time.
10:18
And so over time, they can absolutely learn to
10:21
start picking up on the visual cues and then
10:24
they don't need to rely on so much of the of
10:26
the stopping to check in.
10:27
But again, that's a that's a process.
10:29
It's a process.
10:30
It's definitely a process.
10:31
And, you know, especially for little tiny
10:33
people, they're very egocentric.
10:35
If I'm having fun, my friend must be having
10:37
fun and they don't really have those
10:41
understandings of where their body stops.
10:43
And so it's easy to go a little a little
10:46
bit too far.
10:47
So we can actively help them to learn that
10:51
by checking in, not, you know, being in
10:53
their business the whole time they're trying
10:54
to play.
10:55
But when we see those little cues to step in
10:58
and point them out so that they can they can
11:01
see that I think that goes, you know, with
11:03
adults to and how we're playing tickling is
11:06
one of those things where it seems like it's
11:08
fun and might be laughing, but also saying
11:11
stop, stop.
11:13
So when that happens, stop means stop a little
11:17
bit later down the road when we get to those
11:19
teenage years and there's some kissing going
11:22
on and it might be a lot like tickling.
11:24
It's kind of good, but not really, not fully
11:28
comfortable.
11:29
Stop means stop.
11:31
Yeah.
11:31
And so it, you know, honoring their stop so
11:34
that someday, you know, they know what the
11:37
default is for that word, that stop truly
11:39
means stop.
11:40
Right.
11:41
And sometimes we may need to check in.
11:43
We may need to step in and say, Oh, I heard,
11:45
I heard that your friend said stop.
11:48
Did you hear that?
11:49
Just to help them process that and learn
11:51
to learn to do that.
11:54
And another aspect of that conversation is
11:55
just helping them learn that, like you said,
11:58
kids are particularly egocentric.
12:00
And so it's easy for them to fall into that
12:02
idea of like, Oh, I'm enjoying this.
12:04
Clearly my friend is too, but we can start
12:07
to teach them that, you know, there are
12:10
other ways of seeing things.
12:12
And so, you know, somebody else's wants
12:14
and needs aren't going to be the same as
12:15
yours.
12:16
And there are absolutely times where your
12:18
friend doesn't want to play with you or
12:20
they don't want to play the game that you're
12:21
playing.
12:22
And again, going back to that idea of
12:23
accepting disappointment, same kind of
12:26
thing holds.
12:28
I remember when I was little and at my
12:30
mom's preschool that one of our favorite
12:33
games was this little gaggle of girls
12:35
would get together and we chased the
12:36
boys around the playground and try and
12:37
give them kisses.
12:38
And the boys were pretty down with the
12:40
idea of being chased, but they were not
12:42
so down with the idea of being kissed.
12:45
And so it became this whole thing of,
12:46
you know, the school having to enforce
12:48
that kissing between classmates is not
12:51
an acceptable thing to do.
12:54
And, you know, and to step in and,
12:57
you know, you guys can chase each other,
12:58
but that's where it stops.
13:01
Right.
13:02
And at the same time, not making it a
13:04
big deal, setting up the boundaries,
13:06
making the boundaries clear, but also
13:08
not putting any shame on the affection
13:12
or any of that, because it was innocent.
13:16
And so we don't want to step in when
13:17
we step in with those kinds of issues
13:20
when, you know, our little ones are
13:23
trying to kiss, not making it shameful
13:25
or bad, but just, that's just not
13:27
something we do, you know, or we just,
13:29
you know, we don't kiss, we're not
13:31
kissing people who aren't in our
13:32
families. And, and also, and they don't
13:37
want to be kissed.
13:38
So making sure that we're, we're
13:41
helping them understand all parts of
13:43
it while at the same time, just
13:45
making it a casual conversation and not
13:47
a lot of energy around, we don't kiss
13:49
people, kinds of thing.
13:52
Yeah.
13:53
And I think that that sort of idea
13:55
of perspective taking and helping
13:57
kids start to engage with thinking
13:59
critically about how other people
14:01
experience things is really, really
14:03
important. And, you know, it can be
14:05
as simple as just being part of an
14:07
everyday conversation, or it can come
14:09
up in these kind of bigger moments.
14:12
Really recently, we had an issue
14:14
where Henry got into a little bit
14:16
of trouble at school, and he had
14:19
been, you know, teasing with his
14:20
little dude friends, and they call
14:22
it a roast battle where they just
14:23
sit there and make fun of each
14:24
other. And that was fine between
14:28
that little group. And then
14:30
another student walked by and she
14:32
became the subject of the roasts
14:34
without, you know, having agreed to
14:37
be a participant in this. And so
14:39
that, you know, jokes that were
14:40
okay within their little group
14:42
were not okay with her. And so
14:45
the whole little gaggle of them
14:47
got sent to the vice principal's
14:48
office so that she could help them
14:49
kind of mediate. And, you know, he
14:53
came home and he was telling me
14:54
about how he was walking, walking
14:57
in shoes. And I'm like, okay, what
15:00
does that have to do with
15:01
anything? And finally realized
15:03
he's talking about walking in
15:04
somebody else's shoes. And that
15:06
that was, you know, how the vice
15:08
principal had tried to teach
15:09
them, you know, this whole idea
15:11
of empathy. And, you know,
15:14
reinforcing that it's okay to
15:17
tease your friend if everybody's
15:18
in agreement that that's what's
15:19
happening. But obviously, you
15:21
know, you don't know what's going
15:24
to be a hot button thing to be
15:26
teased about for someone else.
15:28
And so that's what Henry and I
15:29
talked about a lot that afternoon
15:30
is that what might be silly and
15:32
funny for one person hurts for
15:35
another person. And that was
15:36
what had happened in that
15:37
particular situation.
15:40
It's so important to help our
15:42
kids be able to have that
15:44
perspective taken to be able to
15:45
look at at that. And we can
15:47
make that part of everyday
15:48
conversations in terms of
15:50
helping them understand how
15:52
somebody else might feel anytime
15:54
they have a difficulty with
15:56
someone else. Obviously, we want
15:58
to first acknowledge and
15:59
validate what's going on on
16:01
for them. And perhaps even
16:03
that that wasn't okay. But we
16:05
can also help them to gain some
16:07
understanding and some
16:08
compassion by saying, you know,
16:09
what do you what do you think
16:10
was going on for them? Why do
16:11
you think they were acting
16:12
that way? Do you think they
16:14
were sad about something? Do
16:16
you think something was
16:16
bothering them, but helping them
16:18
to start to see how other
16:19
people may how other people may
16:21
feel that there's something
16:23
going on behind that, you know,
16:25
it's the communication behind
16:26
the behavior, one of our one
16:28
of our our principles, actually.
16:30
And it can go across all kinds
16:33
of different directions. You know,
16:34
it's not just as one of, you
16:37
know, behaviors communication
16:38
when we're looking at our
16:38
child, but we can consider
16:40
that in people in general is
16:42
what what's going on for
16:44
them, and just helping them to
16:46
walk in other people's shoes.
16:48
Yeah, and you know, having a
16:51
young boy, one of the other
16:53
things that, you know, I get to
16:54
witness a lot, and, you know,
16:56
obviously, you see this even
16:57
with adults, but I think it's
16:58
particularly strong and in
17:00
little boys is you see how
17:03
gendered their language can
17:05
get in terms of like, if
17:07
you're making fun of someone,
17:09
boys get called a sissy or
17:10
you're, you know, how
17:11
terrible it is to get beat by
17:13
a girl. Are you acting, you
17:15
know, in some sort of female
17:16
way? And so much of, you know,
17:19
it's not even teasing at that
17:20
point, but those weaponized,
17:22
weaponized language that they
17:24
can use against each other.
17:25
It's something in society that
17:27
we say constantly about, about
17:30
boys, or girls.
17:32
Yeah, but you know, and
17:33
seeing, seeing how that then
17:35
informs those sort of
17:38
subconscious ideas around
17:41
femininity and women and all
17:43
of that, that and worth, and
17:45
that then rolls into these
17:47
sort of larger societal issues
17:49
and, you know, realizing how
17:51
early and how young that kind
17:53
of language starts. And then
17:55
if you've got the next, you
17:56
know, entirety of your life
17:58
where that's just being
17:59
constantly almost reinforced,
18:02
how does that then determine
18:04
the way that you look at
18:06
women and their value,
18:07
overall in society as a little
18:10
boy, but also as young
18:11
women, young girls, and how
18:13
that informs their sense of
18:14
self worth as well.
18:16
It really creates an unhealthy
18:18
and harmful expectation for
18:21
both. Now, we all exist on
18:23
these varying degrees of male
18:25
and male and female energy
18:27
and things that we like to do.
18:30
Enjoyments that those kinds
18:32
of things, you know, for
18:34
instance, boys not cooking,
18:36
but how many great chefs do
18:37
we have? Or, you know, boys
18:39
shouldn't play with dolls,
18:40
but how many dads grow up to
18:42
be these amazing nurturing
18:43
fathers? So there are female
18:46
and male roles that we all
18:47
take on and things that we
18:49
enjoy based on who we are
18:51
not based on our gender.
18:53
So to make boys feel bad
18:55
about themselves for any of
18:56
those aspects doesn't help
18:58
them. It breaks their spirit
18:59
and girls should not be
19:01
made to feel less than
19:02
because if a boy does that,
19:04
it's a horrible, bad thing.
19:06
Well, then that means, you
19:07
know, we're not what's
19:09
wrong with us. We
19:10
definitely live in a very
19:11
patriarchal society and we
19:15
tend to be teaching boys
19:17
that they have more value
19:19
or that even that they
19:20
have the final say, you
19:22
know, the father has the
19:23
final say kind of thing and
19:24
that they can override a
19:26
female. So if that is the
19:28
case, what is that saying
19:29
long term about when, when
19:32
when a woman says no or
19:34
doesn't want to do
19:35
something, where are we
19:38
with that then? So we
19:39
want to make sure that we
19:40
are, we're creating
19:42
everybody in the family as
19:43
equal people with an equal
19:46
as equal worth and having
19:48
an equal voice.
19:50
Absolutely. And, you know,
19:53
part of that, I think is
19:54
really important to
19:55
emphasize, you know, when
19:56
we teach children of both
19:58
genders, obviously, but
20:00
particularly little boys,
20:01
you know, to make sure
20:02
that they're truly
20:03
listening to, you know,
20:05
everybody, but
20:06
particularly their female
20:07
friends and making sure
20:08
that they see the value
20:10
and the worth and, you
20:11
know, contributions of the
20:13
girls and women around
20:14
them. Right. And we do
20:16
want to make sure just as
20:18
part, one of the biggest
20:20
things I feel like is very
20:22
important with raising
20:23
children is making sure
20:24
that they do have a voice
20:25
and that we do listen to
20:28
what they, they say, of
20:29
course, you know, as
20:30
adults, we have this
20:32
final say, but wherever
20:33
possible, bringing in what
20:36
their feelings and
20:37
thoughts and ideas are.
20:39
And I think this is
20:39
especially true that we're
20:42
making sure our girls
20:43
have a voice because it's
20:45
often, you know, the
20:46
issue that women don't
20:48
have a voice in the world.
20:49
So are we listening to
20:51
our kids and are we
20:52
making sure that what
20:53
they have to say values
20:55
and matters and that
20:57
we're considering it?
20:58
Yeah. And I think that,
20:59
you know, beyond, you
21:02
know, just listening that
21:03
there are so many kind
21:05
of just intrinsic family
21:06
values, social values
21:08
that come up in this
21:09
conversation and kind of
21:12
the key thing about that
21:13
is how are you modeling
21:14
that, that, you know, you
21:16
can have a conversation
21:18
one off with your kid.
21:20
This is important.
21:21
That doesn't mean anything
21:23
if then you turn around
21:24
and your actions are in
21:26
opposition.
21:27
My father always used
21:28
to say actions speak
21:29
louder than words made
21:31
me crazy.
21:32
We've all heard that.
21:33
But it's true.
21:34
Absolutely.
21:35
And so, you know, as
21:38
much as we can modeling
21:39
personally, but then also,
21:40
you know, we were talking
21:41
about having these kind
21:42
of casual conversations.
21:44
So, you know, going back
21:45
to skateboarding with
21:46
Henry, there was an
21:47
interesting little thing
21:50
I saw at one of our
21:51
meetups recently, we had
21:52
a whole pile of kids
21:54
together to skate over
21:56
fall break.
21:57
And this is a group
21:59
that spans from probably
22:01
like four or five up to,
22:02
you know, our younger
22:03
teenagers.
22:05
And so the bigger kids
22:06
are pretty good at being
22:08
aware of where the little
22:09
ones are and recognizing
22:10
that the little ones
22:12
aren't necessarily aware
22:13
of where everyone else is.
22:16
And so we'll get the
22:16
little ones, you know,
22:17
in an unintentionally
22:19
dive bombing into somebody
22:21
else's face.
22:23
And I got to watch one
22:24
of the dads see this
22:25
happening and he actually
22:26
grabbed his little guy
22:28
and, you know, sat with
22:29
him for a second and
22:29
said, look around you
22:31
and kind of pointed out
22:32
where the other kids
22:33
were in this space
22:34
and helped him to
22:35
recognize, you know, going
22:37
back to the whole
22:37
egocentric thing, he wasn't
22:40
the only one in this space
22:41
and he needed to, you
22:42
know, look around him
22:44
a little bit more and
22:45
be aware of the other
22:47
people that he was, you
22:48
know, potentially going
22:49
to run over or run into.
22:51
Right.
22:53
I think siblings also
22:54
offer plenty of
22:56
opportunities for those
22:58
kinds of moments
23:00
when something comes up
23:02
to stop and consider
23:03
you know, consider the
23:05
other the other child,
23:06
the other your sibling,
23:07
brother or sister,
23:08
as well as with friends.
23:10
Anytime these kinds
23:11
of opportunities come up,
23:12
we can just take a
23:13
moment and do just
23:14
what that just what
23:15
that father did
23:15
and point out what's
23:16
going on, use the,
23:18
you know, step into
23:19
their shoes and help
23:20
them to see what's
23:22
going on around them,
23:23
as well as bring in
23:24
any of those values
23:25
that are important to us
23:26
that they're, you know,
23:28
that they're learning
23:29
around around compassion,
23:30
empathy and caring
23:32
for other people,
23:32
helping other people.
23:33
And that sort of thing.
23:36
Yeah, and, you know,
23:37
going back to what
23:37
you were kind of saying
23:38
earlier of making sure
23:40
that everybody's
23:41
voice matters and, you know,
23:43
just really highlighting
23:44
that with kids of.
23:47
Of bringing their
23:49
awareness to that.
23:50
And then also, I think
23:51
one of the big ways
23:52
that we can model
23:54
that most, you know,
23:55
intimately is, you know,
23:58
for those of people
23:59
that are married,
24:00
how you talk to your own
24:01
spouse very much
24:03
informs how your child
24:04
will then think of
24:05
those kinds of relationships
24:06
as they grow.
24:08
You know, obviously
24:08
how you engage with
24:09
everyone around you matters.
24:10
But I think that that one
24:11
is particularly important
24:14
in terms of modeling
24:15
of how that relationship
24:17
looks and what they see.
24:19
Obviously, you know,
24:20
18 plus years of engaging,
24:22
you know, with your
24:24
relationship as well.
24:25
Right. That tells
24:27
that teaches a whole lot.
24:28
They learn so much from
24:30
from the relationships
24:31
that they that they
24:32
see around them.
24:33
And those really do impact
24:35
and influence strongly
24:37
the relationships
24:37
that they'll have then with
24:40
people that they're
24:41
intimate with and so forth.
24:43
Another piece to that is,
24:46
you know, we talked
24:46
about patriarchal society,
24:48
but in general,
24:48
just our parenting style
24:50
that a lot of a lot of people
24:54
have more of our society.
24:56
Just kind of the standard
24:57
traditional is a more
24:58
authoritarian parenting style
25:01
where the parents
25:02
are the boss, what they say
25:03
goes, period, the end.
25:05
And in that style,
25:07
children don't have a voice.
25:09
And again, we need to make
25:10
sure our children have
25:11
have a voice that they
25:12
can discuss that
25:14
when they when they're
25:16
told no, that they
25:18
can ask questions.
25:19
They do get to know the why.
25:21
So it's not just
25:22
the authority is not
25:23
to be questioned.
25:24
This is the way it is,
25:25
period, the end.
25:27
And then also, how do we
25:28
respond when they resist?
25:30
Or they are they
25:31
disagreeing?
25:32
Do we create some space
25:34
for that to help them
25:35
understand and move through it
25:37
or just come down with,
25:38
you know, you need to obey.
25:40
So having a voice that
25:42
also means that
25:43
when they have problems
25:44
or something is wrong,
25:45
they'll come to us.
25:47
And if something happens
25:48
that they aren't
25:48
comfortable with, that they can
25:50
they can come to us
25:51
and talk things through
25:52
as well as that
25:53
then they know they can speak up.
25:55
And I think you just kind of
25:56
touched on an important
25:58
part of this conversation
25:58
is making sure that our kids know
26:00
who to go to, where to go
26:02
when they know
26:03
that something is happening
26:04
that shouldn't be happening.
26:06
So who to who do they seek out
26:07
when they or someone else
26:10
is being hurt?
26:11
And how to determine
26:13
who is a safe person?
26:14
And so obviously
26:15
we want to emphasize with them
26:16
that we're safe people
26:17
and to be safe people
26:19
for our kids.
26:21
But, you know,
26:22
what if moms are unavailable?
26:23
Then do they know
26:24
that they can go to their teacher?
26:26
Do they know
26:27
who their, you know,
26:28
trusted circle of adults are
26:29
maybe outside of school
26:31
or their own home?
26:33
And even outside
26:34
as they grow older,
26:36
who are who are the safe,
26:37
safe places,
26:39
places to go to?
26:41
There's a
26:42
there's a difference, too,
26:44
in helping them understand.
26:46
We want we want our kids
26:47
to step up to help
26:49
when somebody is vulnerable
26:50
or somebody is being hurt.
26:52
But that doesn't always
26:53
mean stepping in
26:54
because we also aren't
26:55
suggesting that they step
26:56
into unsafe situations,
26:58
but that they go and get help.
27:00
And both of those can be
27:01
really kind of touchy
27:03
because we have this whole culture
27:05
of not being a tattletale
27:07
and you don't tell on people
27:08
and stitches snitches get stitches
27:10
and that whole, you know,
27:12
that whole
27:14
rung of things.
27:15
But we want to stop that as OK,
27:18
so all right.
27:20
But when somebody is getting hurt,
27:21
that just does not apply.
27:24
There's all these
27:27
studies and things around people
27:30
just standing by
27:32
when a crime is being committed
27:33
and seeing it happening
27:35
and not doing doing anything.
27:36
And we've recently heard
27:37
a similar story in the news,
27:40
but that's a common human.
27:44
That's a common human thing
27:45
that happens, yet at the same time,
27:47
we can help our kids
27:49
learn a different way
27:50
that we don't just wait
27:52
and think somebody else will do it.
27:54
And we don't
27:55
we don't necessarily need to step in,
27:57
but we do need to find
27:58
how we can help
27:59
and have the courage to do that
28:01
because it sometimes
28:02
that's going against your friends
28:04
or going against something that
28:07
is you're afraid
28:08
somebody is going to be mad at you
28:09
or it's going to come back on you.
28:12
But helping our kids
28:13
develop that courage
28:14
and knowing how to go about doing that.
28:17
And a lot of how they learn that
28:18
is how we help them
28:20
when they're dealing with things
28:22
now in childhood.
28:24
Yeah, that was actually
28:25
interestingly, a conversation
28:27
that each and I had not that long ago,
28:30
that if something big is happening,
28:33
that obviously you can always come to me.
28:34
He knows that.
28:35
But I've started to try to add
28:37
to that conversation of
28:39
and if it's something that's contentious,
28:41
I can help you figure out a way
28:44
that lessens or removes
28:46
the social implications of that.
28:48
Like you don't want to
28:48
tattle on your friend
28:49
because you're concerned
28:50
about that friendship.
28:52
You know, together,
28:53
maybe we can figure out a way
28:54
where I found out
28:55
somewhat differently
28:56
rather than being like,
28:57
well, Henry told me XYZ
28:59
and putting him in the middle of it
29:01
that adults have different ideas,
29:05
different resources than kids sometimes.
29:08
And often we're able to
29:10
navigate these scenarios in ways
29:11
that would be really
29:13
challenging for kids.
29:14
And so helping him to understand
29:15
that as much as humanly possible,
29:17
not a guarantee,
29:19
but as much as I can,
29:20
that I will try and insulate him
29:21
if he comes to me with something
29:23
that pertains to his friendships
29:25
or something like that as well.
29:27
And at the same time,
29:28
we want to help them grow into
29:30
just having that courage of integrity
29:32
to stand in your values.
29:34
And sometimes we accept the backlash
29:36
for these things as we get older,
29:39
not expecting it
29:40
from our little tiny people.
29:42
But as we get older,
29:43
that we can stand in our values
29:45
and do so with courage
29:47
that when things happen,
29:48
we just stand for what we believe in.
29:52
But that is a big process
29:54
and that takes a lot of us as adults.
29:56
Because as we said,
29:57
it happens all the time
29:58
that it's pretty standard
29:59
that humans just wait
30:00
for somebody else to deal with it
30:02
or they think it's not their problem.
30:05
But all of this really comes around
30:08
to helping our kids
30:09
to develop emotional intelligence
30:12
as we're helping them
30:13
to start to look at their friends
30:15
and see if they're having fun
30:17
and how they're feeling
30:18
and understanding and accepting
30:20
other people's emotions
30:21
and having that empathy
30:23
and compassion.
30:25
All of those pieces
30:26
of stepping into somebody's shoes
30:28
and so forth
30:29
is all part of developing that empathy,
30:31
which is critical
30:32
for having that care
30:35
for other people
30:35
and having that willingness
30:37
to support and help others.
30:41
Yeah, and so to highlight
30:42
before we go to this next little piece,
30:45
we've talked for however long
30:47
and we haven't talked about sex.
30:48
And so, you know, so much about-
30:52
Okay, so much about consent
30:55
up to this point
30:56
has nothing to do with sex.
30:59
And so obviously
31:01
when our children get a little bit,
31:02
hopefully a lot bit older,
31:05
then we can start
31:06
to obviously introduce consent
31:08
as an idea around sex.
31:11
And that includes things like respect
31:13
and being empathetic to your partner
31:15
and all of these things.
31:17
And hopefully by that point,
31:20
they've spent the last
31:21
however many years
31:22
understanding consent
31:24
as just part of the human experience.
31:27
And so this is just adding
31:28
this teeny extra situation
31:31
that they add it to.
31:33
Right, and at this point,
31:35
I mean, it's a big piece,
31:37
but at this point,
31:37
it is just one more small piece
31:39
because we already have this foundation.
31:42
And so now it's not
31:43
this huge big conversation.
31:44
It just is another part
31:46
of what we've been doing all along.
31:49
Yeah, and so obviously
31:52
with older, hopefully late teens,
31:55
we're highlighting that this idea-
31:57
Can't they wait till they're 30?
32:00
That an enthusiastic yes
32:02
is the only yes that matters.
32:03
That anything less than that
32:05
is not a yes.
32:08
And the absence of no
32:09
does not mean yes.
32:10
Absolutely.
32:11
And so we add these elements
32:14
to that conversation
32:15
that has this hopefully
32:17
incredibly deep foundation
32:19
of empathy for other people's
32:21
experiences and the recognition
32:24
that they have their own body autonomy,
32:27
which we are 100% honoring,
32:30
particularly in these intimate moments.
32:34
Well, as we come to an end,
32:36
we want to offer you our three tips.
32:39
So our first tip is start now.
32:42
Wherever your child is,
32:43
start at this point.
32:44
So with very little ones,
32:47
we can do sports casting,
32:49
talking about how we're taking care of them,
32:51
the things that we're doing.
32:53
When we have friends and relatives over,
32:56
letting them choose how to acknowledge
32:58
or give affection to others,
33:00
talking about how other people feel,
33:02
checking in with our friends,
33:04
accepting when somebody doesn't want to play
33:06
and making sure our kids have a voice.
33:09
And then two, make a point
33:11
of our modeling care and compassion
33:14
as well as helping others
33:15
so that we're setting the stage for that
33:17
and what we're showing them.
33:20
And then three,
33:21
giving our kids an opportunity
33:22
to have that body autonomy.
33:25
Back to, again, if you don't want to hug,
33:27
would you like to do a high five?
33:29
Would you like to do a fist bump?
33:31
As well as the checking in
33:33
in terms of would you like
33:35
to brush your teeth yourself
33:36
or would you like for me to help you
33:38
and explaining when there's issues
33:39
of health and safety.
33:44
And for our weekly try this,
33:47
I just invite you to walk in your kids' shoes
33:51
to notice specifically their preferences
33:53
and boundaries.
33:55
Notice if they're a big hugger
33:57
or they're a kid that kind of
33:59
pulls back from that kind of affection.
34:02
And if they want to,
34:06
how they want different things
34:07
for themselves and how we can honor that
34:09
and how we handle their disagreements with us.
34:13
If there's ways that we can better honor
34:15
what their preferences would be
34:17
while obviously still maintaining boundaries.
34:22
And then flip it around
34:24
and help your kids walk in their friend's shoes.
34:27
That obviously if there's been
34:28
a contentious situation
34:30
that we honor our kids' feelings
34:32
and what they've experienced first,
34:35
but then can they see
34:36
the other person's perspective a little bit
34:39
and how can that help them gain a better understanding
34:43
of their friend's experience
34:44
and then maybe respond
34:45
with a little bit more compassion.
34:49
So thanks for being with us today
34:51
and we would love to answer your questions
34:53
or thoughts that you have about parenting.
34:56
So please send us an email
34:57
and you can also find us on social media.
35:00
So check us out on the Guiding Mindset
35:03
or the Guiding Parent on Facebook
35:05
and Instagram and Substaff.
35:11
Till next time.