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Sober-Talk- Courtney · Sober Talk SA

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  Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I've lived
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  experience of alcohol. If you or anyone you know is
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  struggling with alcohol, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on
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  1300 double 22222 or check out their website on aa.org dot AU.
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  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
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  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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  fellowship of men and women. We share the experience,
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  strength and hope with each other.
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  They must solve their come problems and help others to
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  recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for
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  membership is a desire to stop drinking.
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  There are no Jews at fees for a membership.
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  We are self support through our own contributions.
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  Is not allied with any second denomination, politics,
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  organization or institution. Does not wish to engage in any
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  controversy, neither endorses or oppose any causes.
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  Our primary purpose is stairsome and hope other Alcoholics
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  achieve sobriety. Hi, I'm Courtney, I'm Danny, I'm
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  Holly, and I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous.
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  I'm here today on the radio to share my story and I really hope
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  that those are seeing somebody in this thing may relate what
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  I'm talking about and. And if you do, and you've got a
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  problem with alcohol, you know, Amcor, it's anonymous is always
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  there as a solution, then yeah, I'll start my story by probably
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  going back into into childhood, because that's where my drinking
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  started. I think it was around year 7 to
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  year eight kids bought alcohol to school and drink bottles and
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  I tried it. It was behind the.
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  To school down in a in a sort of like conservation area and
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  living some trees and bring the whole and and they also had
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  marijuana there and I tried some of that and I can't remember you
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  know what happened that evening or the afternoon and yeah
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  working stay and. Talking about what happened and
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  stuff. But I I just felt terrible
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  because they're they're paying here.
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  They were teasing me, you know, about how I'd been, but I
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  couldn't remember. But what did happen was I wanted
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  to do it again and I started. It's very foggy in my memory.
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  But year I I started just doing it like drinking and smoking
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  weed every day. Almost every day.
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  Yeah. And I know today that that's
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  not. You know, quite normal behavior
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  for a for a 12 year old. And I could have a lot of
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  passionately and so like in fashion, I had the kids, she was
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  an alcoholic. She didn't know at that touring.
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  But yeah, I had to. I had to go down that path and
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  my mum at the school tried to help me through those years.
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  Unfortunately, I got in a lot of trouble at school just for.
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  Bringing alcohol to school and things like that.
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  And the school system didn't really know how to handle how to
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  handle that. So they'd suspend me or expel me
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  sort of thing, you know, to spend some time at home.
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  And I'd be like, to a family. None of them drank, really.
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  I had a drinking problem and certainly no drug problem.
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  And I'd try and they'd say, like, why are you doing it?
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  Why? You got to stop.
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  You can't have that sort of thing.
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  And it was like, I don't know, it was honestly like sort of
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  baffled why I had to keep doing it.
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  And I'd do anything to get alcohol and drugs right from
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  that young age. And yeah, so my mum tried to
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  help me a lot and I'd start promising that I wouldn't drink.
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  And so I started what I know today, what I refer to as, like,
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  you're swearing off alcohol, like where I promised that I
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  wouldn't drink and I'd go a period of time, maybe four or
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  five months, without alcohol or drugs.
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  And that started right from age 1516.
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  I started, you know, promising I wouldn't do it.
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  So I knew I had a problem at that young age.
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  And yeah, I tried. Doing things about it, but I
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  didn't have the help of like the support of like a a or anything
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  like that. But yeah, 1617 I swore off and I
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  I did most of the year at school, got furry school.
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  But what would happen is I'd start to notice other young
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  people drinking at parties and things like that and they'd be
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  like having a lot of fun and seeming to manage their alcohol
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  and and stuff like that and one one would start up thinking.
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  And it would be like, you're not, my mom would tell me you're
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  not having any fun with their alcohol.
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  You're boring. Your friends don't like you.
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  You're not, you're not popular. You're not cool.
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  A lot of negative thinking about myself, a lot of fearful
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  thinking, like anxiety and things like that.
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  And my mom would start telling me, oh, you know, maybe you
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  should. Get away with it.
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  So I mean maybe you could drink at this party this weekend and
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  be all right, you know? And cause by that stage the the
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  consequences of my drinking were pretty bad.
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  Like friends wouldn't want to hang out with me anymore.
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  My family were so like upset with me and the schools were
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  like suspending me and things. So I'd be like oh maybe I could
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  drink at this party and I'd go to and to and fro in my thinking
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  like Oh no, I can't do that. Oh yes I can.
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  No, I can't for about a week. Just thinking about drinking And
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  eventually I'd drink on the weekend and it had started off
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  again and I'd I'd drink, I'd drink all night other people's
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  the alcohol. I'd I'd I'd become alive like
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  I'd I'd feel great I'd feel euphoric.
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  I'd dance and talk to people and just have a fun time and.
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  Make all these connections with people like, you know,
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  friendships and things, and have deep and meaningful
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  conversations. And I thought it was amazing.
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  And then the next day I'd wake up and it'd be like at a party
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  or something like that. I'd wake up and I'd feel
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  terrible if I wouldn't know what was wrong.
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  And then I'd be in the bedroom just waking up and I'd hear
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  everybody outside and I'd be like, Oh no, I'm going to face
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  them and and I'd just feel that dread in myself and I'd just
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  want to get drunk. High again, straight away.
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  And that would set me off for like a Bender or a spray of
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  drinking and drugging for a couple of weeks and it'd all
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  happen again and get in trouble. And yeah, so that was what it
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  was like in the younger years, but what happened as I went to
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  university after school And so, you know, getting to more
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  serious, like intimate relationships and.
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  And my friends started to, you know, get good jobs and, you
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  know, maybe go for a year of travel or whatever they were
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  doing with their lives. My drinking and drugging
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  progressed, so I just wanted to keep that party going.
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  And I found nightclubs and, you know, a lot of fun.
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  There was a lot of fun times, but unfortunately it caused me a
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  lot of chaos as well because I failed at uni.
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  I wasn't reliable. To do my work at any end, my
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  intimate relationships would they'd always want to try and
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  stop me from partying so much so they tried to help me and yeah,
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  family members were sort of getting to their end of their
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  tether with me. They were just so frustrated and
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  didn't know how to help me. I had a few DUI incidents where
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  I had a car accident, drunk and rode off a car and.
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  You end up in the hospital and things like that.
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  That was signed off and in the early 20s and yeah, so I'm like
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  what I explained earlier with the swearing off.
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  I try that again, you know it swear off for a couple of months
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  and do well at uni, do well at everything.
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  But inevitably, that thinking would come back to my mind that
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  told me that a drink or a drug was a good idea and.
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  And I'd have, I'd be forced to pick up.
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  It was like a force in me. Like it it was, I couldn't not
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  do it. It was, you know, utter and out
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  of pair pair that made me want a drinking drug.
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  And there was no stopping it. Like nothing.
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  No one could talk me out of it. No one could, you know, try to
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  make sense, talk sense to me or anything like that.
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  It was just it was me. I wanted to do it and I'd
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  contact old contacts and, you know, go out drinking with
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  anyone that wanted to drink. The way I like to drink.
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  And yeah, I caused a lot of damage.
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  I couldn't see it at the time, but I heard a lot of people.
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  You know, I remember one friend, about 24, she was getting
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  married. I was meant to be like helpful
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  at the wedding by being like an usher and stuff.
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  And I totally You cause havoc on a hens weekend.
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  And then the wedding, just being sorry out of it that I wasn't
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  making sense and yeah, 'cause her a lot of friends.
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  She had to end the friendship after that.
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  'Cause her a lot of pain. And I was devastated.
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  You know, when I found out she was going to end the friendship,
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  I couldn't believe it. And yeah, I just felt sick in my
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  stomach about how I'd be. And I know that I had a lot of
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  shame around my drinking, like feeling terrible for how I
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  treated her. But I just knew I couldn't,
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  couldn't change it. I couldn't stop it.
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  And I wound up in my first rehab at age 25 after a couple of
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  weeks in the hospital in the mental health ward.
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  And yeah, we end up in my first rehab.
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  I gave it a fair crack. I got to a year without alcohol
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  and drugs, and then that thinking came back again.
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  So that was at age 25. I had a couple of more benders
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  at age 26 and 27, but by this time, the benders would last
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  months like they would last six months.
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  And then the last one lasted 8 months where I was literally out
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  of it 24/7 for that time. I picked up harder drugs as well
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  in that time and really went very low with the illness.
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  I was not functioning well at all.
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  And yeah, that wound me up in a a.
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  This time what happened was I was in a hospital sobering up in
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  the mental health ward. I was locked up, actually.
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  I was detained against my will and they found out I was
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  pregnant in there and it was a massive awakening.
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  I was just like, what? What What the Like I didn't know
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  what I was going to do. I didn't have the word in a a.
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  It's a 12 step program and I didn't have the first step is we
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  admitted we were Payless over alcohol and our lives had become
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  unmanageable. I didn't know that I was like
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  use that word, Payless, but I knew I was stuffed because.
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  I could not stop drinking and drugging cow.
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  I'd been doing it since age 12 to now.
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  I was now 27. I was pregnant and I was going
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  to cause a lot of harm to that child.
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  I knew that and I was desperate. I said an earnest prayer, like
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  an honest prayer and I was like I need some help, you know,
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  please help me with this. And my mom did everything to get
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  me into another rehab and it was an IEA based rehab.
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  They took you to a a everyday. I spend two months there.
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  And I just had some serious you know working out my life to do
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  and getting things back on track and a lot of therapy and going
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  to a A everyday and I'm so grateful for that experience of
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  going to A A everyday I started to hear things and I wanted the
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  help luck. I was so smashed with this
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  illness like my ego was destroyed of how low I went luck
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  and nobody wanted me around in the end of become homeless and.
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  Yeah, just using, just wanting that party to continue.
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  And and I was, I found myself at this rehab and I was going to a
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  A every day and they said like some things.
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  And my mind was like, wow, I understand what you're saying.
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  Finally, things were making sense and I was starting to hear
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  things that made sense to me and that I remember going to a
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  meeting and this lady was saying.
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  It's the first drink that does the damage.
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  If you go back in your own story, you'll see as well that
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  the first drink sets off like a compulsion to keep drinking all
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  night. You won't remember that's called
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  a blackout, where you blacked out.
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  And then the next day you'll feel so terrible, you'll shame
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  and remorse and you'll want to do it again.
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  And I was like, wow, I looked back into my own story and I was
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  like, every time. I've had a Bender, like, and
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  I've destroyed everything. I have had taken that first
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  drink and it set me up to continue drinking.
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  Even if I didn't have any more alcohol, I'd get it.
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  I'd get it from friends or like, you know, steal it or whatever
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  it was, do anything to get more. And then the next day it it was
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  like a a cycle. It would go, I'd go again
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  because I'd be feeling so terrible about myself.
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  And yeah, so I heard that Lady say that and I was like, OK, so.
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  I do have to stay away from the first drink, and that brought up
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  a lot of, you know, just Oh no, I'm not going to be able to
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  drink again. But honestly, I'd I was at that
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  point where I knew it was all or nothing with the alcohol.
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  I had to, I had to leave it and put it aside.
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  I had to choose abstinence because I'd tried controlling it
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  before, You know, just saying to myself, well, I'll have 6 drinks
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  or whatever it was. So I was willing to to try
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  abstinence. So I started in this rehab.
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  I was obviously not drinking and drugging.
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  I started the journey of abstinence from E alcohol and
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  that's what a A is about. We don't drink and but we're
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  happy about it because what happens is I started to hear
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  more things in a A which was get a sponsor and do the 12 steps.
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  And I was like OK. I haven't tried that before.
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  I'm going to listen. A lot of people are saying that
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  and it's helped them. So I I went on that journey and
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  it's a beautiful journey where someone explains it to you, the
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  sponsor explains it to the sponsee how to go through and
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  take the 12 steps. And I've done that slowly over
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  the last 8 1/2 years. I'm now 8 1/2 years coming up to
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  9 years clean and sober. And it's an absolute miracle.
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  You know, in those early days I had to get to a meeting of our
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  colleagues Anonymous every day. And because it was so temptation
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  was so close, you know, to to drink and drugs or I was
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  pregnant with my son and I I wasn't able to work because I
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  was pregnant and I was going to be having a baby soon.
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  So I I worked on recovery. That was my full time job, you
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  know, And that is a job in itself.
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  In this took a lot out of me getting clean and sober.
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  I finished up at the rehab and I moved into my root accommodation
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  and I went to the the meetings every day and people were so
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  kind to me, like, you know, I had a lot of shame around how I
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  had full and pregnant and things like that.
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  And I was crying at the meetings of the Athletics Anonymous.
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  Every day or every couple of days I'd be crying and people
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  were so kind and they didn't shame me and they didn't judge
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  me and they accepted me for who I was.
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  And that was the real start of me being.
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  Allowed to be honest about my problem, which was the alcohol
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  and drugs and how much I would take alcohol and drugs and how
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  to hide it from people and steal and lie and all the harmful
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  things I'd done to people. I was honest about all that
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  stuff and people didn't judge me.
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  And that was so healing, you know?
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  Yeah. So it's been an incredible
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  journey of sobriety, now that. Great relationships with my
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  siblings. My mum has been a journey with
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  my relationship with my mum, but it's a lot better, you know, We
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  get along today. She helps me with my son and she
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  looks after him and stuff and she's.
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  I'm so grateful for her sticking by me.
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  I would have never have got sober without my mum, you know,
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  getting me into that rehab and being there for me and my
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  siblings and they did everything to try and help me.
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  And still today they're there. And you know, even just last
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  weekend, you know, it was my my son's 8th birthday.
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  We had a big party and all my siblings were there enjoying my
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  son and and yet such a miracle to be like that because yeah,
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  part of my story is dysfunctional family as well,
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  coming from that background where there was abuse and
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  trauma. And so I've had to navigate all
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  of that in recovery. I've had to face what I was
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  running from, you know, with the alcohol and the drugs.
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  I was running from myself and from the pain inside me and just
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  trying to block it out, just trying to null it out.
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  I'm just trying to cope with life, you know?
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  And yeah, you know, I don't have to do that to myself today.
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  I can be Corran to myself and I can do what's right for me,
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  which is AAI have to keep doing AA.
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  And people think, why do you do it when you're 8 1/2 years
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  sober? You know, you think.
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  You'd be fine now to just go about life and things like that.
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  And what's got taught to me is the 12th step.
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  So part of me staying sober today is trying to help other
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  Alcoholics to mean to get sober and to maintain their sobriety.
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  And that helps me to, you know, continue on this journey.
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  And it's a beautiful thing, you know, like just like people were
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  there for me. They gave me their to Worm and
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  helped me to get sober. I can now do that for other
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  women. That come into a A and help
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  sponsor them to help them get sober.
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  And it's a real, like an amazing thing in my life.
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  It gives me a lot of joy to see people get sober.
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  But that's not all my life is about, you know, I'm a sober
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  mother. My son's ever seen me drink and
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  drug. He's had a lot of stability.
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  He's had a great childhood. You know, he's had a great
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  school. We've got great friends and
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  stuff. He's got hobbies and he's into
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  like a couple of like extracurricular activities and
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  stuff. There is no way I'd be able to
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  do that without a A Yeah, I've had lots of adventures.
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  I've had to build up hobbies in recovery because my already
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  hobby was drinking and drugging like I thought I liked my sport
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  and stuff as a young child, but over the time drinking took
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  everything away. So you know, I've built that
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  back up. I love hiking, camping, you
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  know, I've done a big kayaking trip, a couple of them where
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  I've kayaked down the moan bridge for 6-6 nights.
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  Where you camp out of the kayak and stuff.
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  Just had some amazing experiences sober and that lie
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  that my thinking would always tell me.
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  You're not having any fun without alcohol.
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  You know you're not having any fun, people don't like you.
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  Things like that. That my mind would always tell
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  me. I know it's not true today.
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  It's not reality, You know, people do like me and I can have
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  fun sober. Yeah, So it's incredible to be.
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  A member. Yeah, collects Anonymous And to
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  be on this path, you know, I know I can go all around the
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  world, like if I go on a holiday or going to stay, I can find a
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  meeting and I can go there and I'll be welcomed.
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  And you know, have people that understand me.
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  And I know you know that because of my where I've been with
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  addiction, I can understand others that have been to those
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  lows as well and can can help where others can't.
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  And that's what Alcoholics Anonymous is about.
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  You know, Alcoholics helping Alcoholics.
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  We're not paid or they're sort of like fate, like professionals
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  or anything like that. It's all one alcoholic helping
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  another. And and yeah, I'm just super
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  grateful for that. It's not easy getting sober.
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  It's a challenge. It's one of the hardest things
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  I've ever had to do. But I would not change it for
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  the world. You know, I don't want to go
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  back to drinking and drugging. There's nothing left in that
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  life for me. I have to maintain this, you
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  know, sobriety. And I do that by going to a A.
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  So yeah, if you've been listening, there's meetings in
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  your local area. And I just thank you for
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  listening to me, sharing my story.
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  Thank you. We.
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  Have local meetings for the full week in the local area.
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  Monday is Gala meeting at 8:00. Tuesday is Elizabeth E at 8:00,
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  Wednesday is Elizabeth E at 8:00, Thursday is 2 Wells at
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  8:00, and Friday is Salisbury at 8:00.
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  There's a meeting at Devron Park at 12:00, and on Sunday there's
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  a meeting in Salisbury at 7:00 and many of the meetings in the
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  area. For details of your local
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  meetings, please phone. 1300 double 22222 and once again, if
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  anyone you know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call
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  Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222, the website
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  isaasa.org dot AU.