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Stop Performing: Live Your Life, Not a Script · The Nadia Chapman Show

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  Welcome back to the Nadia Chapman Show. I'm Nadia Chapman, your host, Mindset and Life Coach.
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  And today's episode is one of those conversations that if you really let it
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  sink in, can change how you move through your entire life. I promise.
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  I want to talk about something almost all of us do without realizing it. I do too.
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  We all do. And this is walking into rooms, into conversations,
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  or onto social media meetings, you know, family gatherings, and to perform.
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  Not in a dramatic way, obviously, we're not all theater kids.
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  It's very subtle, but, you know, we tend to adjust our tone or to edit our thoughts
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  or maybe monitor, you know, little things.
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  Like our posture or rehearse, you know, some sentences and conversations before
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  we even have them with certain people.
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  And underneath all that is the quiet assumption that people are watching your every move.
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  Like people are watching me and people are analyzing me and people are judging everything I do.
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  But what if I told you that most of the time they aren't?
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  Not because you don't matter, but because they are too busy thinking about themselves.
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  And once you really understand that, not just logically, but emotionally,
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  it becomes incredibly freeing.
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  And this is part of the work I do.
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  Have you ever left a conversation or maybe replayed a sentence in your head for hours?
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  Like you analyze your tone and you wonder if it sounded confident enough or stupid.
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  And then you imagine what the other person must have thought.
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  And mentally, you just rewrite it five different ways.
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  Meanwhile, that other person has gone home and is replaying something that they said.
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  So we all assume that there's an audience reviewing us. But everyone else is
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  also assuming the same thing about themselves.
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  And there's actually a psychological concept called the spotlight effect.
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  It's our tendency to believe that we are being noticed way more,
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  far more than we actually are.
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  So we walk into a room convinced that everybody will know that,
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  you know, we had a bad night sleep, we're having a bad hair day,
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  or there's a stain on our shirt, or, you know, in reality, most people don't notice this.
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  And if they did, well, trust me, they forget within minutes because they are
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  preoccupied with their own internal dialogue themselves.
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  So it's almost funny when you when you take a step back and look at this,
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  we are walking around performing for an audience that is also performing.
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  So no one is seated in a theater with a clipboard here taking notes on your life.
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  All right. They're actually backstage adjusting their own costume.
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  So the performance isn't always obvious, but it shows up in ways that you soften
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  maybe your opinion because you don't want to bother people because you don't
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  want to seem that you're too much.
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  It shows up where you don't post the thing that you wrote because that you're
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  worried that, oh, it's going to sound stupid.
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  And maybe it shows up when you downplay your success,
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  you know, because you don't want to make anybody around you uncomfortable.
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  So we filter ourselves constantly, not because we are in danger,
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  but because we assume that we are being evaluated.
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  And here's what's exhausting about that. Well, one of the reasons why it's exhausting,
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  and there's a lot, it takes so much energy to maintain a version of yourself
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  that you think will be acceptable.
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  So, you know, we rehearse and we overthink and we edit and we re-edit and we
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  anticipate reactions that may never even happen.
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  And meanwhile, the people that were trying to impress or avoid disappointing
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  are busy wondering if they sounded awkward five minutes ago.
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  There's something very freeing and relieving, you know, about understanding
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  that most people are not analyzing you the way that you are analyzing yourself.
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  And when you post something online, or you imagine, you know,
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  people dissecting it and overanalyzing it, you know, in reality,
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  most people will scroll past, they'll like your post, so they will not like
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  your post, but they don't overthink it, they will move on.
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  And if you say something slightly imperfect in a meeting in front of people,
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  you assume that it lingered, but it's not.
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  The room moved on. People are moving on. So even when people do judge you,
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  because sometimes, yes, you know, they will, that judgment is brief.
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  You know, it will pass quickly because they're my returns to the primary focus,
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  which is drumroll themselves.
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  So this is just humanity. We are wired to prioritize our own survival,
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  our own social standing, our own thoughts.
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  And that's where most of our mental energy go every day.
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  And once you accept that, oh, you can stop shrinking for a crowd that's not even paying attention.
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  You will start speaking more honestly because you're not pre-editing your every sentences.
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  You will try to do new things in life because now you're not imagining headlines that,
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  oh, you know, you're failing or you're not doing things perfectly,
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  but, you know, you will laugh more freely and you will allow yourself to be
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  imperfect and not being people pleaser, if I could say.
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  So there's a lightness that comes when you no longer curate everything,
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  you know, to other people's expectation and the fear of being judged.
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  And ironically, this is also when people connect with you more deeply,
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  you know, because authenticity feels kind of rare because so many of us performing constantly.
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  So when someone shows up relaxed and polished, it's kind of refreshing, isn't it?
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  The person who is not trying so hard to be impressive to everybody often becomes
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  the most compelling one in the room, not because they're flawless,
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  but because they are real.
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  So next time that you feel self-conscious, pause.
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  Ask yourself, am I performing right now? Are you adjusting your personality
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  to match what you think is expected of you?
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  Are you holding back maybe something amazing because that you're imagining there will be judgment?
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  Then remind yourself. Remind yourself that the room you're in is not a jury box.
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  It's a collection of people with their own values, their own opinion,
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  their own judgment, trying to manage their own insecurities.
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  Oh man, I love this podcast. I love this episode. Save this podcast for when you need to hear this.
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  The world is not sitting around analyzing your missteps, guys.
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  It's really filled with individual replaying their own. That's what it is.
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  And you're allowed to take up that space and you're allowed to experiment and
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  you're allowed to be you and you're allowed to say the slightly imperfect things, it's okay.
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  Because the spotlight that you feel on you is often one that you're holding on yourself.
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  All right. So there's a huge feeling of freedom in realizing that you're not
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  constantly being evaluated.
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  All right. And what I want this podcast to do is just to give you permission,
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  permission to try, permission to be you, permission to fail and to change and
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  to evolve and to be visible without rehearsing who you are and your every sentence in your existence.
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  It doesn't mean that you stop caring about people around you.
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  It just simply means that you stop assuming that you are under surveillance constantly.
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  And when that pressure kind of lifts your body and makes you feel a bit freer,
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  it feels less like a performance, but more like participation.
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  Like you're not on stage anymore. You are in the audience and the cast and also
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  the writer of your own story. And so is everyone else. So.
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  Here's what I want you to try this week. This is your little action step.
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  Walk into the room without adjusting yourself at all. All right?
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  Post the idea online. Share your opinion.
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  Just start the project you want to start.
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  Say the thing that you've been overthinking, not because everyone is watching,
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  but because they are not. And that is your freedom.
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  If this episode resonates with you, please save or share with somebody who needs
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  a reminder that they are not under a microscope all the time.
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  And if you've been holding yourself back because you're imagining that there's
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  an audience out there judging every move you make, please let this be the moment
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  that you step off that imaginary stage you created.
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  All right, I'm Nadia Chapman, and here's your reminder. You don't have to perform
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  your life. You just have to live it.
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  I'll see you in the next episode.