Latest / Raising Daughters / All Adolescent Girls Are Vulnerable: Here’s What They Need to Bloom and Thrive

Transcript

All Adolescent Girls Are Vulnerable: Here’s What They Need to Bloom and Thrive · Raising Daughters

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Raising Daughters, the podcast that helps parents learn
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: the best ways to support their daughters as they navigate
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: the high levels of stress, anxiety, pressure, and uncertainties so
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: pervasive in our culture today. Doctor Tim Jordan is a
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: developmental and behavioral pediatrician who has specialized in counseling girls
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: for over thirty years and shed's light on the realities
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: of today's young women in all facets of their lives.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: This is your opportunity to learn how to better support
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: your daughters, making them feel safe, secure, and truly loved
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: in the midst of life's ups and downs. Here is
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: your host, Doctor Tim.
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: Hello friends, Doctor Tim Jordan back here. I'm really glad
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: you're coming by today because I have an important question,
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: maybe an odd question, to start this podcast. Have you
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: ever wondered about the association between New England Blue Crab
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: and your teenage daughters, especially your teenage daughters and them
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: spending so much time huddled up in their rooms with
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: the door closed. Our teenage girls who become depressed, we
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: kind of shut down, who don't show a lot of emotion.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: Have you ever wondered about that and Blue Crabs? I
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: bet you have not, But today In this podcast, I'm
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: going to tell you about why they are so intensely connected.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: And we'll talk a little bit also today about the
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: heroine's journey, because sometimes we don't understand where our daughters
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: are going through, and we think the worst. We notice
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: them in their rooms, we know them on their phones,
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: we notice them being kind of sullen. They're like that
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: turtle who pokes their head out, only occasionally they kind
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: of retreat back in their shell, and we worry and
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: we worry, and unfortunately, the medical profession oftentimes worries about
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: them and we diagnose them and we medicate them, when
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: in reality, maybe they're telling us something different than a disease.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: So back to the blue crabs. The blue crab has
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: a rigid, hard shell, like an exoskeleton, they call it,
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: and in order for that blue crab to grow, it
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: must periodically shed its smaller shell through a process called molting.
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: So this little blue crab stops eating and it seeks shelter,
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: like underneath little rock croppings and things. They dig down
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: to the bottom of the ocean floor in order to
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: avoid predators. Because when they're going through this process of molting,
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: they're very vulnerable. Their body rapidly absorbs water, causing their
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: tissues to swell and swell and eventually swell enough that
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: splits the old shell open, and then they begin this
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: slow process of backing out of the old shell that's
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: then discarded. Salts are rapidly deposited to thicken and harden
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: a brand new shell, and the crab slowly but surely
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: grows inside that new shell, and so there's no more
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: room to grow inside the shell, and the moulting process starts.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Over a typical female blue crab most about eighteen to
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: twenty times in their lifetime. Male is about twenty one
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: to twenty three times. That moulting process takes a lot
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: of energy, and it takes a lot of time and
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: a lot of focus. If you will, let me tell
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: you how that relates to your teenage daughters, I would
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: say also pre teen and teenage daughters, because during that
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: adolescent period right before puberty, during puberty, in that preschool
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: high school kind of age range, I think girls, I
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: think all of our girls are very vulnerable during that
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: time period. I'm not saying that they're weak, I'm saying
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: they're vulnerable. And what makes them vulnerable A lot of
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: things things like the changes of puberty, and today the
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: onset of puberty is earlier and earlier, way earlier than
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: it was when I was growing up. There are a
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: lot of girls when I was growing up where they
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: didn't start their first period until they were maybe sixteen, fifteen, sixteen.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: They didn't start into puberty until they were twelve thirteen, fourteen,
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: And today it's not uncommon to see girls starting when
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: they're eight to nine years of age starting The average
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: time is probably more like ten or eleven today, So
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: they're starting that process young before they've matured very much.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: And one of the problems with that is they end
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: up maturing physically much sooner than they mature emotionally, and
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: much before they mature in their brain. And so oftentimes
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: we treat them like their excuse me, we treat them
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: like how they look, when in reality, we got to
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: remember to treat them like they're chronological and their emotional age.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: That's something to keep in mind instead of treating them
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: like they look, which is a much older. They're not
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: there yet. Their brain isn't there, os aren't there their
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: emotional controllers out there. They've got to remember do that.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: If we don't it makes them vulnerable. An lot of
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: things that happens with girls as they're going through that
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: vulnerable period in their pre adolescent adolescent years is is boys,
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: boys start hitting on them. A lot of girls complain
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: to me in my counseling practice, in my weekend retreats,
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: in my summer camps. They talk about how the boys
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: touch them inappropriately, groping them in the hallways of school.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: Boys start pressuring girls in middle school to send nudes.
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: I remember we were talking about this whole thing in
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: one of my weekend retreats for middle school girls about
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: a year ago, and the girls all had stories about
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: boys rubbing up against them, grabbing them, pushing them, pushing them,
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: pushing them to send nude pictures. And one of the girls,
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: who I've known a long time, I've noticed since third
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: grade she's a very sensitive young woman. Now at that
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: point she was in eighth grade, but she has a
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: huge she's very empathetic. She's very sensitive in a good way.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: I mean, she feels everybody's emotions. And she started crying.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: I remember this was on a Saturday evening, and everybody
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: was kind of tired as well. And we're going through
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: all these stories these girls were telling. This girl starts
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: crying and she couldn't stop, and she was crying deeply,
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: and when she finally could have some words to her feelings,
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: she said, she said, I can't believe we have to
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: put up with this. We shouldn't have to deal with
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: this stuff. Now, we're just kids. I'll never forget that moment,
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: she said, we're just kids. And she's absolutely right. She's
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: absolutely right. That's one thing that makes girls vulnerable in
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: this period. The other thing is all the pressures that
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: girls feel today. It's a little bit different than it
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: was twenty thirty, forty fifty or so years ago. Pressure
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: is to be perfect, pressures to get straight a's stressure,
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: pressure to get on the best you know, clubs, club teams,
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: sports teams. Pressure to be admitted to the top colleges,
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: not just college, but top colleges. Pressure to be pretty
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: and to be hot, and to be thin and to
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: have the perfect body. They're also pressure that in this
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: day and age. Early on, girls complained about this to
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: me in late grade school and in middle school. The
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: pressure they have their whole life figured out. Girls have
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: told me over and over and over again in my
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: retreats about the pressure they feel about college. And these
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: are sometimes seventh graders or fifth graders, worried about their careers,
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: worry about their major in college, the educational system, and
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: I think the culture is pressuring these girls. It makes
• 7:37
  Speaker 2: them vulnerable at a time when they're trying to figure
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: out so many things that just tips them over the edge,
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: if you will. I also think another thing that makes
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: girls vulnerable is that there's a lot of mixed messages
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: that they have to sort of sift through, and it's
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: really intense because they're being told today to be good girls.
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: Still there's still supposed to be good girls who were
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: pleasant and always happy and worry about everybody else but themselves,
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: and to be obedient and kind and all those kinds
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: of things. So they're told, you're supposed to be very nice,
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: but you're also supposed to be really competitive today. You
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: can be assertive, but not too assertive because if you're
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: too assertive, you get you get labeled as being bossy.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: You can be a leader, but not too much out
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: there because you get labeled for that too. And they're
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: an assertive man or a man who puts themselves out
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: there is called assertive, they're called a leader, not women.
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: A lot of times, even in the workforce, girls have
• 8:34
  Speaker 2: gotten the message, the mixed message that you're supposed to
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: be powerful, but you'll also be judges being too aggressive,
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: You'll be judges being the B word, you'll be a bitch.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: You're supposed to be liked, and you're supposed to be
• 8:45
  Speaker 2: accepted and fit in and be popular, but you're supposed
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: to be yourself and you're supposed to be authentic. You're
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: supposed to be confident, but not too confident or speak
• 8:55
  Speaker 2: too openly or too assertively, because you might cause conflicts,
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: you might pissed people off, you might make people jealous,
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: so you've got to be worried about them, not just
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: putting yourself out there. You can be successful, but not
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: too successful, and you can't be all that if you will,
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: You're supposed to take care of yourself, but you're supposed
• 9:14
  Speaker 2: to also put everybody else's needs before yours. There are
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: a lot of mixed messages that causes girls a lot
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: of angst and it makes them vulnerable. I think too
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: that one of the things that I've learned over the years,
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: I'm a reader. As a lot of you know if
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: you've listened to these podcasts for a while, I've got
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: a whole bookshelf behind me, one big at least. I
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: have two rows of books of just stories. I love
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: fairy tales, I love stories, I love biographies. I have
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: way more space than that with biographies. But I've learned
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: a lot from fairy tales because in the old days,
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: the original fairy tales were told in taverns and bars.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: They were adult stories that adults told to other adults,
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: and they are very sexual. They were very violent, very
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: body if you will. But then that's switched around the
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: time of pro and some of the other authors who
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: took those stories and decided to make them more into
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: stories to be told to add lescens tales to add
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: lessons to impart lessons about their metamorphosis to adulthood. It's
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: about the heroine's journey, about the heroin's journey, being an
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: inward journey or a girl through overcoming hardships and challenges
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: and obstacles, becomes a loving, wise, powerful woman was ready
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: to rule her kingdom. That was the morals of many
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: of those stories, not the originals, but the ones I mean,
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry, the originals, not the ones that that Disney
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: took us on, not those trips dead before it. An
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: author one time said you must go into the dark
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: to bring forth your light. It takes a lot of quiet,
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: reflective alone time for girls to discover what's going on
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: inside of it them to know and understand what they're feeling,
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: to know they what they need to figure out who
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: they are and who they aspire to become. If any
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: of you have seen those Inside Out movies Part one
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: and part two, you know about all those emotions that
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: girls are trying to sift through. So girls and women
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: fall asleep in the stories in the fairy tales when
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: they can't face the fears that their parents can't protect
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: them from anymore, and when they feel unprepared to face
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: the real world. The real world is scary, the world
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: of men, the world of marriage, the world of jobs,
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: and all those kinds of things. So in the fairy tales,
• 11:37
  Speaker 2: girls tend to withdraw from the world, and oftentimes it's
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: a metaphorical sleep, a metaphorical sleep. Think about Sleeping Beauty,
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: Think about Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz. There's so
• 11:49
  Speaker 2: many fairy tales where sleep is involved. Snow White in
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: the seven to worst, so they fall asleep as a
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: count is an unconscious way to kind of escape from
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: the real world and all those pressures, all those things
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: that are too much for them, that are overwhelming them,
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: withdraw to a quiet place and to remain still. That's
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: what sleep is about in the fairy tales, and I
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: think for our girls who are going to their rooms
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: and closing the doors and they're hibernating, and also the
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: depression a lot of girls in the adolescent years faced.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: I think it's a way for them to quiet themselves,
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: to get still to and to try to access their
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: inner world. That's what depression is about for a lot
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: of people, not just adolescent girls. It's the time to
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: sort of back off from what you're up to and
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: take some time to reflect figure things out. They have
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: to go back, They have to be open and receptive.
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: They have to sort through their emotions, their new values
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: they're trying to have for themselves, their needs, their boundaries,
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: to figure out what is right for me, especially since
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: a lot of girls up to that point in their
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: lives have done things to please their parents, to please
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: their teachers, to please their coaches, and not displease people,
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: displease people or disappoint them what is right for me
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: without the benefit of the acquired wisdom and strength that
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: comes through this conscious transformation, if you will, girls end
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: up having to find unhealthy ways sometimes to withdraw, numbing
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: out their feelings, depression, anxiety, alcohol and drugs, hooking up
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: with guys, driving themselves. To be the best students, it
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: has to be aged. They have to be perfect, being
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: the best athlete, at being a career woman who is
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: leaning in to the top of the career letter. They
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: literally lose themselves quote unquote in their activities and their
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: work that those are representations metaphorically of sleep. I also
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: think in this day and age, a girls' energies end
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: up being diverted a lot by other quests, not their
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: heroine's journey, but quests for physical beauty, being perfect, eternal youth.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: And that is not just for adolescents. Obviously, look at
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: the look at the UH the industry in this country.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: But UH like surgeries, cosmetic surgeries, makeup companies, women today
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: have gotten the message that you should not grow old,
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: you should have wrinkles, et cetera. Energy is diverted by
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: quest for popularity, fitting in being perfect, being the best,
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: hooking up, leaning in striving to meet external expectations and
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: honor realistic standards huge for girls, and that distracts them
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: from their inner journey because there's so much energy focused
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: out there outside of themselves, pleasing people outside themselves. So
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: the sleep that girls require is like that that hiding
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: that the Blue Crab required. It's not a total withdrawal
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: from the world for one hundred years, if you will,
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: Like with Sleeping beauty. What I'm saying is, we need
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: a balance of factors. We need a balance of things
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: in our lives. Girls need time to be in sacred spaces.
• 15:08
  Speaker 2: Sacred spaces mean they feel safe and comfortable, times of solitude, reflection,
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: soul searching, time spend with their girlfriends and family where
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: they feel safe to be themselves. Like they call those
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: sacred spaces sacred, not meaning religious, but sacred meaning safe, comfortable.
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: I can be me, I can be authentic. I think
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: that's one of the biggest gifts that we offer girls
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: that are we can retreat in summer camps is it's
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: a very safe environment. Girls feel comfortable to open up
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: and be themselves and to share themselves and to try
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: things out and distretch and to grow. I think all
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: girls need opportunities like that, especially in the middle school
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: and high school years when there's so much growth, so
• 15:53
  Speaker 2: much transformation going on. They need times to engage in
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: their passions, discovering their strengths and their aptitudes and their weaknesses.
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: They need to sample to discover what they like and
• 16:05
  Speaker 2: what they need. Instead of hyper specializing in one sport
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: or one activity or one whatever. They need time to
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: sample things, see what is right for them and what
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: they like. They need quiet moments to feel deeply and
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: express their emotions by talking it out or writing it out,
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: or drawing it out, or writing a poem or a
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: story or a song or whatever their medium is. Any
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: time for that kind of reflection and that kind of expression.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: They also need in that period of life when they're vulnerable.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: They need to learn how to express their emotions in
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: healthy ways. And they need mentors. Mentors who can reflect
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: back to them who they really are, because in those
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: adolescent years it's hard for girls sometimes to trust who
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: they are and to believe in themselves. So if they
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: have adults around them who reflect back, I see you,
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: I know who you are. I see all this noise
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: out here, with anxiety or whatever, but I can see
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: through that to see the real you, and I totally
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: believe in you. I think that's another thing that we
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: do well in our campuses. We give girls that kind
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: of mentorship, and they need it so badly. A lot
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: of girls feel disconnected with their families. They feel just
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: disconnected in general from the adult world. We don't have
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: those neighborhood kinds of neighbors that we used to have
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: in my generation that we could also talk to if
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: we needed to. Families don't oftentimes live in the same
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: city as grandparents, aunts, uncles, so they need they need mentors,
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: They need adults who can who can see them for
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: who they are. There's been so many good studies about
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: what helps kids get through challenges, adversities they call them.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: They call them adverse childhood experiences, hardships, traumas, whatever. And
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: the number one factor that's most important in kids getting
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: through those is I had someone who was there for
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: them and took them under their wing, loved them unconditionally
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: and supported them. Sounds simple, but it's the truth. So
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: our girls all need that, especially in those years where
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: they're going through so much. I also think it's good
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: for them to read fairy tales and to read biographies,
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: and to have coffee with adults who can share their
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: stories so they know they're not alone. That's the third gift.
• 18:29
  Speaker 2: This wasn't about my camp, but I just popped in
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: my head. That's another gift our campers get with, which
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: is they hear other girls sharing their stories, their their adversities,
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: their challenges, and they realize, I've been thinking all along,
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: I'm the only one who's going through this, and there
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: are a lot of people who can understand me. There
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: are a lot of people who can relate with my
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: stories and my emotions. I'm not alone, I'm not crazy,
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: and I have some support. Oh what a beautiful gift
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: that is for all of our girls. So they need time,
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: quiet time, alone time, reflective time. They need to metaphorically
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: sleep when they're in this vulnerable period in order for
• 19:11
  Speaker 2: them to figure out who they are, to stretch themselves,
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: get on their comfort zones, figure things out, figure out
• 19:18
  Speaker 2: who they are and what they want and what they
• 19:20
  Speaker 2: need and what's right for them. So at the end
• 19:25
  Speaker 2: of that process, as they get through their heroine's journey,
• 19:27
  Speaker 2: if you will, metaphorically speaking, it's not a prince's kiss
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: that awakens her. It's not the prince's kiss that awakens
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: a woman, it's having discovered who they are and embracing
• 19:39
  Speaker 2: their magnificance, their magnificence, and their passions. They've learned to
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: draw upon their innermost resources of strength and courage and
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: hope and resolve that girls never knew they had until
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: they consciously went through this process of transformation. And they
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: can only gain this kind of wisdom and courage and
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: strength and hope and resolve. They can only gain this
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: through overcoming obstacles and challenges and tribulations. They can have
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: support from outside of them, but they need to get
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: through it. We can't do it for them. We can't
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: rescue them and save them, because if we do, then
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: they do not get those gifts. Our daughters will not
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: grow like I'm talking about in protected environments, protecting being
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: people doing it for them, protecting them from any hurts
• 20:28
  Speaker 2: or any skin knees. Growth is a response to demands
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: and challenges and experiences. That's the only way they can
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: gain that same thing with grit, resilience, all those kinds
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: of things. So girls are transformed, they're not rescued. So
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: when you see those princesses being rescued in the movies, goo,
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: remember in your mind that it's a metaphor. They've been
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: through their transformation. They've awoken on their own, through their
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: own process of growth. And when a girl gets a
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: taste of who they are and they learn to fall
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: in love with life, and they learn to fall in
• 21:05
  Speaker 2: love with themselves, and they find their passions and they
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: find their purpose, it rouses them from their sleep? Is
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: there right now? They become their highest self. They acknowledge
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: the princess within themselves. They fall in love with themselves,
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: if you will, and that's a necessary prelude before they
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: can be loved by anybody else. So Cinderella's new sense
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: of herself in the Cinderella story was caused. It was
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: because was caused by her transformation from being the cinder girl,
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: the ash girl, to becoming a princess. And that transformation,
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: it wasn't about her clothes, It was about the joy
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: she was radiating. That is what attracted the prince. So,
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: like the Blue Crab, girls need protected spaces. Girls are
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: vulnerable during their middle school, high school, adolescent kind of
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: years as they're going through all these all these necessary
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: changes as they're going through adversities and they're trying to
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: figure things out and it's confusing and mixed messages, and
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: the changes in their bodies and puberty and boys and
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: the culture and college and all these kinds of things.
• 22:16
  Speaker 2: As they're getting themselves through all of that and they're
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: gaining their wisdom, they need those protected spaces. They need
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: understanding and support. They need guides to help and support
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: and to give feedback sometimes, but most important importantly, they
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: need mentors who will love them for who they are,
• 22:35
  Speaker 2: through all of their angst and through all of their
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: their acne and through all of their stuff, and to
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: reflect back to them that WE see you, we see
• 22:44
  Speaker 2: who you really are, and even though you're struggling now,
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: I know you're going to make it through because I see,
• 22:51
  Speaker 2: I see the potential, and I see It's like I
• 22:54
  Speaker 2: see the oak tree when before me is all I
• 22:56
  Speaker 2: have is the acorn. I'm gonna put a whole bunch
• 23:02
  Speaker 2: of resources in the show notes. I've had a couple
• 23:07
  Speaker 2: of previous podcasts where I talked about the heroin's journey,
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: so I'll put the links to those two podcasts. I'll
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: also put a link to a book. It's one of
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: my favorite books about fairy tales. It's called Spinning Straw
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: into Gold by Jane I'm sorry, Joan Gould g o
• 23:24
  Speaker 2: U l D. But that'll be in the show notes.
• 23:26
  Speaker 2: You just go to www dot d R Tim Jordan
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: dot com, go to the podcast page and go to
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: the show notes and you'll see these links there. And
• 23:35
  Speaker 2: also I'll put a link to my to my weekend
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: retreats in summer camps. Our camps are called Camp we Loki,
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: which stands for we Love Kids. That made up sort
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: of a Native American sounding name which we took on
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: oh gosh years ago. This is our thirty fourth summer
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: of camp, coming up, thirty fifth year of weekend retreats.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: So we've learned a lot about supporting grows through their
• 24:00
  Speaker 2: heroine's journey, if you will, and I think we do
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: a good job of creating a safe place for them
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: to be heard, to learn, to become more self aware,
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: to learn really important life skills, to connect more deeply
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: with their peers, and to learn from each other. So
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: that's interesting to you for your daughters, and just look
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: on our website at www dot dr Tim Jordan dot
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: com at the camp we Loci page and you'll see
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: all the information about our summer camps so we can
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: retreats coming up next fall. It's it's a it's a
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: it's a interesting process watching girls, as I have for
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: over thirty years, go through their adolescents and a lot
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: of people are afraid of are there turned off by
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: middle school girls, which is ridiculous because they're amazing. I
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: think a lot of a lot of adults are sort
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: of intimidated by teenagers. And if that's true for you,
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: then get over it, because even though they're going through
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: all this stuff, they're amazing. They're amazing all the change,
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: the transformation, the energy, the joy, the downs, the upsite,
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: it's it's a great ride to support them with not
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: to get on their ride with them, but to be
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: there around there and too and to help them through it.
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: Thank you so much. This is a good uh. This
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: is I think a good podcast to listen to with
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: your daughter to lead to some discussions about what they're
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: experiencing during their heroin's journey. I hope it was helpful
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: for you as the parents to be to be guides
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: and supports. Hopefully it'll be helpful for your daughters too.
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: If they listen in. I'll be back next week with
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: a brand new podcast. Thanks so much for stopping by.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: Thank you for tuning in to this episode of Raising Daughters.
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: Hopefully you've learned something useful about girls and young women
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: and how to help them navigate the pressures and challenges
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: and opportunities of modern life. If you want to become
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: a more effective parent, keep listening to the show at
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: doctor Tim Jordan dot com and let the conversations shape you.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: Build that one of a kind connection with your daughters
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: in the most profound and meaningful ways possible, shaping them
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: into strong, confident women of the future. That's all for now,
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: see you next week for another episode of Raising Daughters.