Latest / Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano / The Exhaustion of Pain with Lyndsay Soprano

Transcript

The Exhaustion of Pain with Lyndsay Soprano · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: This is Your Pain Game podcast where we talk about
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: the game of living in and with chronic pain and trauma,
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: getting to the heart of how to heal. I am
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan on
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: discussing with doctors, chronic pain patients, holistic practitioners, loved ones,
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: and anybody that is interested in having their voice.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: Heard in the chronic pain and trauma world that we
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: live in.
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: Oh my god, you not want to do this right now,
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: but at the same time I do. I have been
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  Speaker 3: sitting here rocking out to all kinds of different music,
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: and then I.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Zoned in on an Offspring.
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: And if you're in my age bracket, you're a big
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: fan of Offspring, And if you're not, then you can
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: just tune me off and never speak to me again.
• 0:57
  Speaker 3: But I've been baireing, like totally rocking out to Offspring
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: to put this episode together, and I'm not one hundred
• 1:03
  Speaker 3: percent sure why, but I guess we're gonna find out.
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: Right my feet, I'm literally sitting here doing this episode.
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  Speaker 3: My feet are in this little bag that I actually
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: get from Rooted In, which is one of the affiliates
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: that we work with Plug Shameless plug for sure. But anyways,
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  Speaker 3: I get this bag and I sit with my feet
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  Speaker 3: in it, and it's got ice ice baby, So I'm
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: having a physical ice bucket challenge going on with my
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  Speaker 3: feet right now under my desk, and I am unsure
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: who is winning outside of maybe a little THHC as well,
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: because I have been living in so much pain and
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: you know I don't take anything for it, so here
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  Speaker 3: I am. I'm beat down, guys, I am absolutely exhausted.
• 1:51
  Speaker 3: So I started to like do this episode in the
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  Speaker 3: dark because I like to turn the lights out because.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: It helps me. I don't know why it helps you,
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  Speaker 2: but it does.
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  Speaker 3: And then the lighting was so bad and I looked
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  Speaker 3: really ugly, so I turned the lights back on, and
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  Speaker 3: I'm not happy about it. So I'm gonna leverage this
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  Speaker 3: epic studio lighting that we have here so I don't
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  Speaker 3: look like a total weirdo. Anyways, I was just telling
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: my sweetie that I don't want to do this. I
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: don't want to do this episode, this episode, this one
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  Speaker 3: right now that you're listening to.
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  Speaker 2: I'm unfocused, I'm tired.
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  Speaker 3: I have one of my dogs behind me in the
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: corner snacking on something. I'm lonely. I'm lonely in this
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  Speaker 3: I'm lonely in this pain. I'm lonely in the exhaustion
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: that comes from it. And I don't want to sound
• 2:45
  Speaker 3: like a broken record though, right, you know, like I
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: get on the show, I'm like yeah, yeah, bah blah.
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: I don't want you guys to think that I talk
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: about the same thing every day, expecting different results. But
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: I do expect different results. Ooh, that is not ad lindsay.
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  Speaker 3: I do expect different results than sitting here with my
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: feet and moving my little toutsies around in my ice
• 3:07
  Speaker 3: cold bath here.
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  Speaker 2: I expect different results from this.
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  Speaker 3: I expect different results from us as a community together
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  Speaker 3: to try to give our pain more purpose.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: So we're gonna do this today, right.
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  Speaker 3: So one of the things that I struggle with my
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  Speaker 3: sweetie in particular is I'm like, I don't want to
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  Speaker 3: do this, and he always says, well, then don't. And
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  Speaker 3: that's a powerful statement for me because it can go
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  Speaker 3: both ways, right. It can mean well, fuck, yeah, don't
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  Speaker 3: do that, don't do that thing, don't do that thing
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  Speaker 3: that somebody is asking to do or begging you to do,
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: or guilting you to do, or shaming you into doing that.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: You're like, hell, no, go with your gut. Then there
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  Speaker 3: is then don't, which is like for me, it's kind
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  Speaker 3: of like a it's a challenge, right, it's a big
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  Speaker 3: challenge room.
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  Speaker 2: Then don't do it all right, walk away? Oh well
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  Speaker 2: then you better believe it, buddy, I am going to
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  Speaker 2: do it.
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  Speaker 3: So take a beat on the then don't thing right,
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  Speaker 3: So then don't do what doesn't serve you. But this
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  Speaker 3: show here serves me. So as I opened up with
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  Speaker 3: I don't want to do this, I didn't today. I
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  Speaker 3: did not want to do this. I just want to
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  Speaker 3: be in my pjs like sucking my thumb, not talk. Honestly,
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  Speaker 3: I don't even want to talk to anybody or do
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  Speaker 3: anything or or reply to to to text messages. I
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  Speaker 3: don't want to do anything because I'm trying to keep
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  Speaker 3: it together. Guys here, the past couple of months have
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  Speaker 3: been brutal in the pain department. So much life stuff
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  Speaker 3: has been going on that's simply just not calmed down.
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  Speaker 3: And a lot of this is going to be first
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  Speaker 3: world problems that I'm complaining about, and I apologize that
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  Speaker 3: I'm doing this, but all of this has turned into
• 5:06
  Speaker 3: these first world problems, I've turned into a lot of
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  Speaker 3: stress and all this that's going on. So a little
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  Speaker 3: bit of perspective here my Sweden. I bought our house
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  Speaker 3: in December of twenty twenty three. As I'm recording this
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  Speaker 3: right now, it is June of twenty twenty five, just
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  Speaker 3: a year and a half of construction.
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  Speaker 2: Have we lived here the whole time? No, no, we
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  Speaker 2: have not.
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  Speaker 3: But since we started construction, it's been a daily back
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: and forth and back and forth, going from where we
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  Speaker 3: lived and going back up to la going back to
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  Speaker 3: northern Orange County. I mean, it's just been like so insane.
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  Speaker 3: And now that we live here full time, our dog,
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  Speaker 3: my little dog, is barking in the background because he's
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  Speaker 3: super pissed off about this as well. I know, Tommy,
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  Speaker 3: I feel you, bro. But now that we live here
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  Speaker 3: full time, it's incredibly hectic. So all over the place,
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  Speaker 3: the entire house is covered in this like.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: Like this freaking moon dust. It's everywhere.
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  Speaker 3: Like I went to go iron and I pulled out
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  Speaker 3: an iron ore iron out of where I house it
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  Speaker 3: and it was covered in dust and I used it
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  Speaker 3: like two days prior. So it's not like it's been
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  Speaker 3: sitting there. So anyways, my whole entire life is covered
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  Speaker 3: in dust. And for somebody like me who has a
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  Speaker 3: massive amount of OCD and as a project manager by trade,
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  Speaker 3: so like everything I do is like seeing things to fermition,
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  Speaker 3: like to fruition, seeing things come full circle, everything like, oh,
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  Speaker 3: I see all, I see the light at the end
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  Speaker 3: of the tunnel. I am still waiting for the light
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  Speaker 3: at the end of the tunnel. I am still looking
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  Speaker 3: for my little chotchkey from my fake store in Hollywood
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  Speaker 3: with my moon dust.
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  Speaker 2: But all of this dust is just making me sick.
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  Speaker 3: It's making me sick. It's making me sick from a
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  Speaker 3: like mental health perspective, I'm coughing. My allergies are out
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  Speaker 3: of control? Is it what's going on right now? Like
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  Speaker 3: in my areas a bunch of stuff blooming. I feel
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  Speaker 3: like it's probably moondust that's happening around here, but everything
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  Speaker 3: is covered.
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  Speaker 2: I'm sick and tired of contractors everywhere.
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  Speaker 3: I'm sick and tired of like random butts sitting on
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  Speaker 3: my bathroom.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm I'm cleaning every bathroom every single day of
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  Speaker 2: my life.
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  Speaker 3: Dear Lord, do you know how much TP these people use,
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: and also like where is everything?
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  Speaker 2: I'm living in a.
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  Speaker 3: Construction hell and a moving house, So everything's in boxes,
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  Speaker 3: Everything's covered in plastic. Every I don't need. The labels
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  Speaker 3: don't even mean anything on boxes anymore, because that room
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  Speaker 3: is not the same room from the house that it
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  Speaker 3: went from from the last place. I am in O, C. D. L.
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  Speaker 3: And when you live in pain, all of this is heightened.
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  Speaker 3: So every conversation that I have about the house, or
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  Speaker 3: I'm about a decision that we have to make about
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: a silly thing like a sink or a faucet, again
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  Speaker 3: first world problems. All of it is adding and adding
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: and adding and adding and adding to this list that
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: I feel will never have an end. And so with
• 8:28
  Speaker 3: that comes this unbelievable amount of stress, an unbelievable amount
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  Speaker 3: of emotion that I feel like I can't even explain,
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  Speaker 3: Like I just want to like scream at people do
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  Speaker 3: not understand how hard it is to not a peace
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  Speaker 3: in your living environment. I feel like a lot of
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: you understand this. If you have more than one child,
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  Speaker 3: you have hecticity in your life. I have one, he's
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: seventy three years old, and then I have two Weenie dogs. God,
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  Speaker 3: I don't know why you guys aren't filling my email
• 9:03
  Speaker 3: up with how are you doing, young lady?
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  Speaker 2: How are you hanging in there? Oh?
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  Speaker 3: My god, guys, it's just absolutely nuts. And you know,
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  Speaker 3: all of that stuff, all the OCB, all of the
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  Speaker 3: non cleanliness that's going on around here is making my
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  Speaker 3: body feel like it's under attack. And I'm kind of
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  Speaker 3: an emotional puddle about it, and I'm not really sure
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  Speaker 3: how to handle that puddle. I'm like, just feel like
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  Speaker 3: I'm putting a mop into the ocean and just trying
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  Speaker 3: to mop the ocean out.
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  Speaker 2: But my body's under attack.
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  Speaker 3: And with that means that exhaustion, means that sadness, means
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  Speaker 3: that heaviness. Oh speaking about heaviness. Okay, So this morning
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  Speaker 3: I wake up from my knees down. It felt like
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  Speaker 3: somebody had poured concrete into every nerve, every muscle, every fiber,
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  Speaker 3: everything from my knees down actually really started for my
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  Speaker 3: hips done, but the most pain started when it hit
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  Speaker 3: my knees and it just felt like the concrete has
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  Speaker 3: been in there all day and it hasn't yet set
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  Speaker 3: to dry, but it's just getting there. Those are my feet,
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  Speaker 3: that's what's been happening today amongst all the other bologna
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  Speaker 3: that happens all the time, right, And this is how
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  Speaker 3: I live, This is how so many of us and
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  Speaker 3: pain live. We live in a place where we cannot
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  Speaker 3: describe the sensation. They tell me to use the word
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  Speaker 3: sensation for pain, where the sensation is happening in our body.
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  Speaker 3: How is it possible that my brain is making me
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  Speaker 3: feel this pain right now? And the way that it's
• 10:48
  Speaker 3: making that pain feel, I mean, it's just it's like, well,
• 10:51
  Speaker 3: it's mind boggling, it's out of control. And so all
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: of you that are listening that sleep next to somebody
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  Speaker 3: that is groaning and moaning and crying at night because
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  Speaker 3: they are in so much pain, we got you. And
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: for those of you that are doing all the moaning
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  Speaker 3: and crying and sobbing and pain all night, we've got you,
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  Speaker 3: because that's me and my sweetie every night. This is
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  Speaker 3: the place that we live in. And we have this
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  Speaker 3: amazing decision that we have to make every day. Right
• 11:25
  Speaker 3: to go back to the cement thing that I have
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: about my legs this morning, we have a decision to
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: make in regards to that, to let that cement dry
• 11:35
  Speaker 3: or to like keep that truck ooh, you know that
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: truck that moves in front of you. It's keeping the
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: concrete moving. It's still the same matter. Keep that concrete
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  Speaker 3: moving before we turn into juzzleballs, before we turn into
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  Speaker 3: sclurre derma, which turns your body into like stone. I
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: have a buddy of mine, in fact, it's my sweetiest
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  Speaker 3: best friend who asks slurer derma turns yourself into like
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  Speaker 3: biblical stone.
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  Speaker 2: It's nuts.
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  Speaker 3: So instead of turning ourselves into stone, let's just keep
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: on moving, okay, because that's the only thing that we
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: can do, or else we're just gonna end up being
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  Speaker 3: those people that you know nobody talks about on shows,
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  Speaker 3: that nobody writes books about that, your family doesn't talk
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  Speaker 3: about it there at your funeral. Be the person that
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  Speaker 3: you want to be, no matter what kind of cement
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: is running through your body, right because I am literally
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: trying to squeeze in recording these episodes through the amount
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: of concrete that's going through my body so that I
• 12:40
  Speaker 3: can be here for you guys today, And I am
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: not guilting you into listening. I'm just saying, man, I'm here,
• 12:50
  Speaker 3: you know, I'm constantly here. I'm not the chick that's
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: going to show up late. I'm not the chick that's
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: going to like, whoops, I forgot. I don't want to
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: be that chick, and I don't want you to be
• 13:02
  Speaker 3: that chick either. I don't want you to be your disease.
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: I don't want you to be whatever diagnosis that's been
• 13:09
  Speaker 3: given to you.
• 13:10
  Speaker 2: No, no, no, no no, will you be you?
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  Speaker 3: You just have whatever they told you you have. You
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: just have it, you not are it right? So today
• 13:23
  Speaker 3: there are a couple of things that I did. I
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: called a polo. This is a new thing I might
• 13:29
  Speaker 3: be bringing into my show. Polo. I also like to
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: call my work husband. We met through friends of ours,
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: and within like twenty three seconds of meeting this dude,
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: he was like my bro.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: He and his gorgeous bride. We're at her wedding. So yeah,
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: I called a polo.
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: So whenever I have something that I have a question about,
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: I say Marco and then here replies Polo, which is
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: his name. One of the things that I had to
• 13:55
  Speaker 3: do in regards to all this construction, because he's the
• 13:58
  Speaker 3: lead dude on all of our instruction, is to put
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: up a little bit better boundaries with the construction workers
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: and the time of when they arrive, because of course
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: they want to be here at the buck kraka dawn. Well,
• 14:10
  Speaker 3: we can't do that, and it's okay for us to
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: say no, to say beat it, to say, you know what,
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: I've got to make this work for my life and
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: my lifestyle, for my health. I was not doing that.
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: Does it mean that the project's going to take a
• 14:25
  Speaker 3: little longer. Maybe maybe it's not, because now I've got
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: these mofos focused on We've got three days to do
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: this stuff instead of fat see polo, that's what we're doing.
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: We're calling a polo. But it's also honoring and respecting
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: the fact that like, hey, a disabled human being lives
• 14:44
  Speaker 3: here in this house and lives in pain, and not
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: every morning is the same. So having those conversations with
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: people in your life, no matter who they are, and
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: establish some good solid boundaries is super important. But another
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: thing that I do is I do these positive affirmations.
• 15:01
  Speaker 3: And I know it sounds lame, and a lot of
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: you that do know that it doesn't sound lame, But
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: oh my god, I am on fifty five days straight
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: of affirmations on my phone and I love it.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: Do it.
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: Figure out a way to do it. It is the
• 15:17
  Speaker 3: easiest thing you can do. It sounds stupid and it
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: feels stupid, like for the first three days, and then
• 15:22
  Speaker 3: after that, you guys just like jam it out. There's
• 15:26
  Speaker 3: another thing that I'd done that I really love, which
• 15:29
  Speaker 3: is batching. So for me, when it comes to pain,
• 15:33
  Speaker 3: I really struggle with being able to focus right. So,
• 15:36
  Speaker 3: like putting this episode together, when I said in the beginning,
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: I don't want to do this, a lot of the
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: reason why was because I was really struggling to focus.
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: It was like fifty minutes, twenty minutes, thirty minutes.
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: I couldn't figure out what I wanted to talk to
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: you guys about, and my outline wasn't working for me.
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: So I kept redoing it and kept redoing it. So
• 15:54
  Speaker 3: one of the things that I end up doing is
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: I end up doing this thing called batching, where I'm
• 15:58
  Speaker 3: just like, I'm able to sit there, I tune out
• 16:01
  Speaker 3: all the world, and I tell everybody that that's what
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: I'm doing. So you turn off your phone, you turn
• 16:05
  Speaker 3: off your kids. Oh my god, if only you guys
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: could turn off your kids, turn off your dogs. Nobody
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: wants to turn off the dogs unless they're barking. But
• 16:12
  Speaker 3: you know what I mean, turn off all the distractions
• 16:15
  Speaker 3: and batch get that stuff done. And then you don't
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: feel like, oh man, I only did ten minutes here
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: and I only got twenty minutes here. Do you never
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: feel really like you were accomplished during the day. And
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: I know moms feel that way. I know for me
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: in chronic pain, I certainly feel that way. And then
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: for me, man, oh man, do I in for a sana?
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: I read?
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: I also gave myself a gift of a day spa, right,
• 16:40
  Speaker 3: so I know this is not a first world thing.
• 16:43
  Speaker 3: Is everybody You can go pay for a twenty dollars
• 16:47
  Speaker 3: massage to do something for yourself. It doesn't even have
• 16:50
  Speaker 3: to be a massage. You can meet anything. It can
• 16:53
  Speaker 3: go strolling through Barnes and Nobles and just running your
• 16:55
  Speaker 3: fingers along the bindings of the books. It can be
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: anything you want. That day spot to be, that infrared
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: son to be, that reading to be, can be any
• 17:07
  Speaker 3: of that.
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  Speaker 2: You just have to give it to yourself.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: And if you say that you don't have thirty minutes
• 17:11
  Speaker 3: to do it, twenty minutes to do it. Ten minutes
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: to do it, you're lying to yourself, and you still
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: need to keep listening to the show, and of course
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: always sob I mean, if you're feeling like you need
• 17:23
  Speaker 3: to cry, let it all out. But the last thing
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: that I have been doing, and you guys can take
• 17:31
  Speaker 3: this literally or figuratively, I swim every morning and now
• 17:35
  Speaker 3: I've been swimming in the evenings as well. In fact,
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: I'm going to do this after I did this episode
• 17:39
  Speaker 3: that I did not want to do. It's more structured
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: than I normally do episodes, which is why I'm not
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: liking it. But I'm still doing it. But I go
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: out and I swim. It is the only place where
• 17:51
  Speaker 3: my body does not feel heavy.
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: It feels at peace. It feels the light, and especially
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: in the evening.
• 18:00
  Speaker 3: Tonight, the bubbles come out of my breath that I'm
• 18:04
  Speaker 3: holding in.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: And then they're colored.
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: With the lights in my in my pool, which just
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: makes it all the more glorious. And it's the only
• 18:13
  Speaker 3: place that I pray. We're all struggling. Obviously I am,
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: but the only thing that I know that I have
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: in this life is you. So thank you for showing
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: up for me here right now today to listen to
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: this because this was a hard episode for me to do,
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: only because I didn't want to do it.
• 18:32
  Speaker 2: I just didn't. I'm pooped.
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: It's not my best work. I'm okay, and that's okay
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: for you too. So before we jam out of here,
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: I have a new thing called the Pain Game. Pain bites.
• 18:45
  Speaker 3: Actually I'm not even doing my whole spiel, that's how
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: tired I am. Go to the Instagram easy link in
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: our bio tells you everything that you need to do
• 18:55
  Speaker 3: and speak out loud.
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: Talk about your pain.
• 18:58
  Speaker 3: Talk to me about what's going on with you, and
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: I'm happy to talk about it on our pain baits
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: on Fridays. So you guys are exclusively invited to share
• 19:07
  Speaker 3: this under construction, absolutely exhausted vip pain journey together.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: Let's get to the heart.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: Of how to heal with you by my side. Please
• 19:19
  Speaker 3: follow the Pain Game Podcast wherever you digest your podcast content,
• 19:23
  Speaker 3: we will be there. Visit us at the Pain gamepodcast
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: dot com and follow us on all the socials.
• 19:30
  Speaker 2: Thanks for listening to my little VIPs.
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: Catch you on the other side of a nap that
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: your host most definitely Mats