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Transcript

Trying to Control Love After a Toxic Relationship? · Girl, Date the Good Guy ™ | Healing After Heartbreak & A Toxic Relationship

• 0:00
  Sis, have you ever caught yourself overthinking, checking, questioning,
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  trying to manage your relationship, and then thought, wait, why am I trying
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  to control this, especially when you're finally with the good guy?
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  Today we're going to talk about it, because control isn't random.
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  It's learned. And today, we're breaking it.
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  Hey sis, welcome to Girl Date the Good Guy, the Christian relationship podcast
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  for women who are healing from heartbreak, learning to trust again,
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  and desiring something real, healthy, and God-led.
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  I'm your host, Emily Jordan, Christian mentor and relationship coach.
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  And if you're in a season of healing, confusion, or starting over,
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  you are not alone. I've been there too.
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  This is a safe space to rebuild your heart, rediscover who you are,
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  and prepare for the love God has for you when the time is right.
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  So grab your crown, your heart, and your journal. Your royal training begins now.
• 1:04
  Hey sis, welcome back to Girl Date the Good Guy.
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  It's your girl Emily, your Christian mentor and relationship coach.
• 1:12
  Thank you so much for being in this space with me today. And if this is your
• 1:16
  first time joining, welcome, welcome, welcome.
• 1:20
  We are seeing some growth in the podcast right now, and I just want to make
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  sure whoever's new that's coming in that you feel at home here and know that this is a safe space.
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  This is literally my mission to help women all around the world to heal,
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  rise, and prepare for God's very best in love.
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  My very own testimony.
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  And if he can do it for me, sis, he can do it for you.
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  Now, yesterday we started a new series, Your Royal Return, and we are talking
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  about reclaiming your crown.
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  Why? Because you are a queen and God agrees with me.
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  If you haven't listened to that episode from yesterday, I would love for you
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  to go back and do that because I want you to journey along with us as we heal.
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  Now, some of you right now could be fresh out of a toxic relationship or situation,
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  and I want to ask you to do me a favor.
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  If you are grieving, I want you to go see a trusted therapist or counselor for
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  your healing because when I came out of my marriage back in 2012,
• 2:31
  I needed one for a few years to start making sense of the mess I was coming out of.
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  And also listen in to this podcast.
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  Don't forget to follow the show so you don't miss an episode.
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  And if you wanna go deeper, don't forget to come into our community,
• 2:48
  Your Royal Guard. It is our private Facebook group.
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  The link is in the show notes. So today, today we are talking about control.
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  This is for the woman who has come out of the toxic relationship,
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  who has experienced the heartbreak, the betrayal,
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  the red flags, or this is for the woman who is in something healthy,
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  or maybe you're dating, but she is still trying to control it.
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  This episode is going to set you free today. I remember realizing this about myself.
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  I wasn't trying to control him. I was trying to control how I felt.
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  I was trying to prevent pain before it happened, trying to stay one step ahead,
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  trying to read everything so I wouldn't be caught off guard again.
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  And on the surface, it looked like awareness, but deep down, it was actually fear.
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  And when I brought that to God, he led me to Ezekiel 7, and I felt him say,
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  the end has come to this version of you, not in a harsh way, but in a freeing way.
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  You don't have to live like this anymore. Come on.
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  All right, sis, let's walk through this together because this is where you trade control for peace.
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  So I'm gonna give you a few points today. You ready?
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  Control is the rod of pride, but peace is actually your portion.
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  Let's talk about this honestly.
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  In Ezekiel 7, it says, pride has budded.
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  And that hit me because control doesn't always look like pride. but sometimes it is.
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  Not arrogance, but the belief that if I just watch closely enough,
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  if I just stay aware enough, if I just manage this correctly, I can prevent the pain.
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  Says that's not peace, that's pressure.
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  You're putting pressure on yourself. Because here's the truth, control is an illusion.
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  It didn't stop the betrayal in the past, and it won't create safety in your present.
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  So what's the shift here? You move from the rod of control to the staff of peace.
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  You say, God, I trust your watch over this relationship more than my own.
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  And that right there, that's where your nervous system starts to rest.
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  Number two, control cannot buy you peace.
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  In Ezekiel 719, it talks about people throwing their silver into the streets
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  because it couldn't satisfy them.
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  And this is what control is like. You think, if I just check one more thing,
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  if I just ask one more question, if I just make sure everything is okay, then I'll feel peace.
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  But do you? No.
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  You feel more anxious, more exhausted, more disconnected.
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  Because control doesn't produce peace. It drains it.
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  So the next time you feel that urge rise up, I want you to see it for what it is.
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  Not truth, not intuition, just a learned survival response.
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  And I want you to say, this control cannot give me what God already has. And let it go.
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  I know that sounds simple, but it really is that simple to just decide to make
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  that shift in your mind that you're just going to let this go.
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  I've had to do it many times in my healthy relationship, unfortunately,
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  because I want to control everything.
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  Number three, control is rooted in a wounded heart, not a bad one.
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  Now let's bring compassion into this, because I know for some of you,
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  this realization hurts because you think, I don't want to be controlling. That's how I felt.
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  I know what that feels like and says, I need you to hear this.
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  You're not controlling because you're toxic you're controlling because you were
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  hurt you learn to grip tightly because you were dropped before but now you're
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  in something safe and healing requires honesty so one of the most powerful things
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  you can do is use your voice you can say hey.
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  I realized I've been trying to control things to feel safe, and I'm going to start working on this.
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  I don't want to change you. I want to trust God with you.
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  Do you see how healing that is? That's not weakness.
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  That's emotional maturity, and it doesn't require control to feel safe.
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  So letting go of control in our lives is one of the greatest gifts we can give
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  to ourselves, and we can give to our healthy partner.
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  Number four, you're not the Holy Spirit. Release the role.
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  Sis, let me say this with love. You are not the Holy Spirit.
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  You are not responsible for monitoring him, fixing him, guiding every decision
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  he makes, preventing every possible outcome.
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  That's not your role. And when you try to take that on, you exhaust yourself
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  and unintentionally create pressure in the relationship. But when you release
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  that, you step into something better.
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  You become a watchman of grace, not policing, policing is how you say that,
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  not controlling, but discerning, peaceful, grounded.
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  You trust God to lead him while you stay rooted in your own alignment.
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  And that says, that's where freedom lives.
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  Number five, declare the end of the old version of you. In Ezekiel 7,
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  God says, the end has come.
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  And today, I want you to declare that over yourself.
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  The end has come to the version of me that has to control to feel safe.
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  The end of overchecking, the end of overthinking, the end of trying to manage
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  love instead of receive it.
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  Because you don't need to live like that anymore. You're not in survival.
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  You're healing. You're in the healing season. and believe me,
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  I'm saying this to myself too, all right?
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  I still have triggers today, so we are going to walk this thing out together.
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  So for your royal reflection, I want you to be honest with yourself.
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  And I want you to ask yourself, where am I trying to control instead of trust? That's a big one.
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  What am I afraid will happen if I let go?
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  Do I trust God more than I trust my fear?
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  And then this one. what would it feel like to just rest in love?
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  Man, man, man. So this week we're doing a cast the silver practice.
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  When you feel the urge to control, I want you to pause and literally say,
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  this cannot give me peace, and then release it.
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  Take a deep breath, step back, hand it back over to God, and if needed,
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  communicate instead of controlling, all right?
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  Or even put a visual in your head of you literally taking that silver and throwing it into the street.
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  Just like, no, I'm not doing that anymore. I'm not going to control the situation.
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  I am not going to overthink everything.
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  And create drama for yourself, Chaos for yourself.
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  We're not doing that anymore, sis. All right?
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  So control was never your protection.
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  God is. In the moment you release the need to control, in the moment you finally experience peace.
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  Let's pray. Father God, we come to you today ready to release control.
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  God, you see the fear behind it, the pain that created it, The moments that
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  taught us we had to hold everything together.
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  But today, we surrender that. We lay down the need to control, to monitor, to manage.
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  And we choose to trust you instead.
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  Lord, teach us how to rest. Teach us how to love without fear.
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  Teach us how to trust what you are building. And remind us that we are safe in your hands.
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  And we can trust you with our good guys.
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  If you're in a good relationship, you can trust God with your good guy.
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  In the mighty name of Jesus, amen.
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  All right, so if this episode spoke to you, don't forget, come join the Royal Guard.
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  The link is in the show notes. And if you're in the season of learning to release
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  control, I'd love to hear your story.
• 11:39
  Join the group. Come answer the questions that are pinned at the top.
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  It says interview questions and I'll send you a little gift as a thank you.
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  Sis, you don't have to control love.
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  You get to just receive it this time.
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  I love you. I'll see you in the next episode. Bye for now.
• 11:58
  Sis if this episode spoke to your heart don't
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  forget to subscribe leave a review on apple podcast
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  and share it with another woman who's on her healing journey too and if you're
• 12:09
  ready to go deeper come join us inside the royal guard the link is in the show
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  notes this just isn't about finding love it's about becoming the woman who can
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  walk in it build it and sustain it with God at the center.
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  Until next time, keep your heart soft, your standards high, and your faith even higher.