Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E6 - Limit Setting: The Third "Pillar" of Play Therapy Parenting

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S2E6 - Limit Setting: The Third "Pillar" of Play Therapy Parenting · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
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  you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode, we are continuing with the four pillars.
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  So we have already covered reflecting feelings and choice giving.
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  Now we're moving into limit setting. So the third pillar
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  and something that I'm actually really excited
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  about for the limit setting pillar is
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  you use the first two
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  and fuse them into a limit setting process.
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  So we will look back at the reflecting feeling, skill and the choice, giving skill.
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  And then you will learn a framework for setting limits with your children
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  using those two skills in combination.
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  And here's why I think that
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  the four pillars work so well with each other and in conjunction with each other,
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  because they all integrate seamlessly,
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  you often can use multiple pillars in any given scenario.
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  And specifically, once you understand the value of one of the pillars,
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  you can see how it influences the rest.
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  And that's very true in the limit setting skill
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  because you start with reflecting feelings and you end with
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  giving choices with a neutral limit in between them.
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  So we are going to look at the three steps dive into that today
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  and keep in mind that
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  this is the
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  correction
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  skill.
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  In other words, many parents will say, OK,
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  so I wanna be all in with this child-centered approach, I want to learn
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  the skills. I want to use the pillars effectively.
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  And what do I do
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  for discipline?
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  What do I do to correct my child's behavior?
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  When do we get to the section that talks
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  about addressing the struggles that we have in,
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  in our family.
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  It's really helpful to think of limit setting
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  as
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  the corrective skill.
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  But it is also probably more importantly, two things. Number one,
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  preserving of the relationship
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  because of the way that it is presented
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  and
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  it allows the child to practice self control
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  and self regulation.
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  So
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  in traditional discipline methods,
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  in any way that we would normally approach the correction
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  of whatever is going on,
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  we are in charge, we are in control, we dictate what happens.
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  We enforce the consequences,
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  we have all of the power and we make sure that our kids comply.
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  Not only does that fracture the relationship,
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  it creates more power struggles
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  and the child has no opportunities to practice
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  what it feels like to accept consequences,
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  what it feels like to understand how self control is developed
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  to actually work on self regulation skills.
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  And all of that comes from the limit setting process.
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  So I think you'll find this really helpful. And
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  again, it's just a combination of what we've already talked about.
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  So it should be able to
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  be something that you implement pretty quickly and easily
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  the path to calm, confident and in control parenting starts now.
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  Ok. So when we're talking about limit setting,
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  the very first step of the three is to reflect the child's feeling.
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  Here's why this matters. And this is what we talked about when we actually covered.
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  The reflecting feelings pillar,
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  a child's feelings are always valid.
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  They can always be acknowledged
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  and it is helpful for the child to feel heard and understood.
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  So when your child is screaming at you, when they're hitting their sibling,
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  when they're getting in trouble at school, when they refuse to get out of the car,
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  when they throw their shoe across the room and it breaks your lamp,
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  whatever is going on,
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  the behavior might need a limit,
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  but the feeling is always valid.
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  So the child is not wrong for being mad,
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  the child's not wrong for being frustrated.
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  The child's not wrong for getting deregulated, but the behavior needs a limit.
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  And if we can keep that in mind,
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  it changes the whole dynamic
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  because when we reflect a feeling,
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  it immediately diffuses the intensity of the emotion
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  just by saying out loud to your child.
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  You're really, really upset about what happened.
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  You're so mad that your brother took your fire truck.
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  You're really disappointed that you didn't get to go play with your friends
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  just by saying that out loud to the child.
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  Not only do they feel heard and validated
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  and understood it diffuses the intensity of the emotion
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  so that automatically ramps them down a little bit.
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  And then
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  the child
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  feels that the relationship persists
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  even in the midst of their meltdown.
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  Even when they're tantruming with the best of them.
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  The child knows that
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  you love them,
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  you unconditionally accept them
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  and
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  while you set a limit on behavior,
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  you're not mad at them for how they feel.
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  So we always lead with reflection of feeling.
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  So whatever that is,
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  we say it out loud,
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  you're disappointed, you're angry, you're frustrated, you're annoyed,
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  you are angry, you're upset. I mean, you can choose whatever feeling
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  matches the scenario best,
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  right?
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  And then you move into the second step,
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  which is setting the neutral limit.
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  So here's why this matters so much.
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  The neutral limit
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  is not meant to do anything
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  other than
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  set an expectation
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  of what is or is not for doing.
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  So let's go back to the example where a sibling took the fire truck.
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  So the child probably feels betrayed. So in that scenario, you might say
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  you're really betrayed that Tommy took your fire truck
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  and related aside. Let me take a side turn for a second.
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  Don't dumb down emotions for kids.
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  I've had so many parents, I've actually had therapists ask me this too.
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  So therapists and parents alike will say,
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  yeah. But I mean, as a four year old really gonna understand the word betrayed.
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  I don't think that's really an age appropriate emotion,
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  emotions are emotions.
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  It's no different than telling them the word
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  photosynthesis.
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  It's a big word and they may not understand what the word means,
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  but you can explain it to them if they need explanation.
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  So if you say you're really betrayed, if betrayed is how they feel,
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  say that word to them. It's emotional vocabulary. It's development of emotional IQ
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  you never need to dumb down the emotion
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  to make it more palatable for young ears.
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  If they're not sure what the emotion means, they'll ask you,
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  but they will learn what betrayed feels like for them,
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  they're dealing with the somatic reaction of that emotion.
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  They, they can feel in their body
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  how yucky they feel in that moment.
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  So now they have a word for it.
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  So don't replace it with something else that
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  doesn't help them build an accurate emotional vocabulary.
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  If it's betrayed, you can say betrayed.
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  OK? So I'm back on track.
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  So
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  when you say you're betrayed that Tommy took your fire truck,
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  but your brother is not for hitting,
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  ok,
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  you're not wrong for feeling the way you feel.
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  I want you to feel, heard, understood and validated.
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  But your brother is not for hitting
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  notice that
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  it's
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  A is not for B
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  or X is for Y
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  So your brother is not for hitting
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  and or people are not for hitting, if you want to enlarge it a little bit bigger
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  because if we say your brother is not for hitting, then
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  there's the possibility that they might think their sister is. So
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  you have to know your children and know which one is more appropriate to say.
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  So you may wanna say people are not for hitting.
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  So that would be the A is not for B. X is for y would be hands are
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  for being kind.
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  So there is the
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  A is for B. X is not for Y. You can do either one.
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  So hands are not for hitting
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  or hands are for being kind.
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  All right. So now you've set the neutral expectation.
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  Now, if we stop there,
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  that's two thirds of the battle.
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  But we have the third step,
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  which is just as important and this is where we give them choices.
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  Here's what we know about kids.
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  They are emotional,
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  they're here and now they're driven by whatever
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  feeling they have at any given moment.
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  So if you say
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  you're really betrayed that Tommy took your fire truck,
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  but your brother is not for hitting or people are not for hitting,
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  that is helpful and they know what is expected of them,
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  but they don't know what their alternatives are.
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  So if you don't then provide the choices,
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  you can choose two,
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  come tell me what happened
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  or you can choose to ask for him to give it back. Which do you choose
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  a child needs to replace one behavior with another?
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  Remember, they're not rational, they're not cognitive,
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  they're not going to think through it. They're not going to reason through it.
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  So if you just stop with the reflection of feeling and the limit
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  in the next moment that something like that happens,
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  they don't know what to do with it.
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  So
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  I'm feeling the same way again,
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  I'm going to react the way I always have unless I
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  have something that I can replace the original behavior with.
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  So in that scenario,
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  you're really betrayed that Tommy took your fire truck,
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  but people are not for hitting,
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  you can choose to come tell me what happened or you can
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  choose to ask for him to give the fire truck back.
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  Which do you choose
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  now?
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  He knows? Ok, I have options.
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  Do I wanna go tell mom or dad or do I wanna ask Tommy for it back?
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  And the more that you do this three step process,
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  you reflect a feeling you set the neutral
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  limit and then you offer alternatives with choices.
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  The child learns
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  actions have consequences,
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  the child learns to own and accept
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  the outcome. So there's responsibility over decisions.
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  They learn to self control and self regulate.
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  Do you always wanna have to step in
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  and break apart your warring children
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  because they're hitting each other
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  inevitably, what you're teaching them is you go as far as you wanna go,
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  you get as out of control as you wanna get,
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  you cross the line
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  and I will step in and control your behavior for you.
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  I will grab your hand before you hit Tommy. I will physically separate the two of you.
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  I will send each of you to your rooms.
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  I will make sure that you stop hurting each other.
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  What does your child learn about self control and self regulation?
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  What they're learning is, I don't have to control my behavior.
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  Someone else will always step in and control my behavior for me.
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  When it gets out of hand,
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  there's no self regulation development.
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  There, there's no process of learning self control.
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  But when we do this three step model of limit setting,
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  the child very quickly learns
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  what it means
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  to feel the weight of a choice
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  and
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  comply with expectations.
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  So that is the third
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  pillar of four.
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  So next week, we're moving into encouragement, which is the last one.
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  And I do wanna let you know once we get through the four pillars,
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  the week after that,
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  I'm going to circle back to the limit
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  setting pillar and move into advanced limit setting.
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  Because inevitably the question I know all of you
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  are saying out loud to me through the airwaves
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  is ok?
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  But what if my child chooses not to come tell me
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  and not to ask Tommy for the fire truck back then?
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  What?
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  Well, that's when we move into ultimate limit setting.
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  So I promise there's a part two,
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  but I want to get through the four pillars first. So we will eventually get to
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  the advanced and ultimate limit setting
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  in a couple of weeks.
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  So if you have questions, I would love to hear them.
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  Please email me at brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  You can also call my call in line and leave me a message and then I can
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  answer your question that way.
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  And that number, if you are in the States is 813-812-5525,
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  you can leave a message on there and then I can
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  answer your question on air from the voicemail as well.
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  But you can always email me brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  Please visit www.playtherapyparenting.com
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  so that you can sign up for my newsletter.
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  And if you subscribe to the newsletter,
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  I will be happy to send you a video of a workshop I did on birth order.
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  And it will really help you understand how
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  the order in which your children were born affects their
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  personality as well as yours and your birth order,
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  role as a child, your parents, birth order roles, your friends, your spouse,
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  everyone in your life.
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  It will forever change the way you look at relationships.
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  So I'd love to give you access to that video if you sign up for the newsletter. So
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  thank you so much for spending part of your week with me.
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  I'm so grateful for each and every one of you and we will talk again soon. Bye.
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  Thank you for listening
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  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
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  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
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  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com