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When No One Understands: Reducing Shame and Isolation · Love and Science Fertility

• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Hello, my loves, and welcome back to the Love and Science podcast.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: This is episode 12, and today we'll be discussing when no one understands.
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: Truly, I am on a mission to reduce and eliminate the isolation that comes with a fertility journey, because what I believe is that shame, which is kind of my nemesis shame and isolation cannot coexist.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: The minute we start breaking down the barriers of isolation, the minute we start sharing our stories and connecting with each other, the shame it just melts away.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: And you know, I think one thing I've learned in the last few years is that guilt and shame are actually different.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: Guilt is I did something bad, right, and I feel bad about that.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: Shame is actually I am bad, and if you think about your fertility journey, it is so incredibly insidious, but most of us experience some level of shame regarding this process.
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: And so let's see what we can do to think about the situations that we encounter when we feel that nobody truly understands us, to take a step back, figure out ways to bust some myths, figure out ways to connect with one another and, at the end, my hope is to give you some useful thoughts that you can use that will help you in this way in the world, to feel less alone and, like I said before, to really melt away the shame.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: So what are some situations that we encounter when we feel nobody understands us?
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I would say the most common situation that I encounter in my coaching practice with my clients is when a friend a fertile myrtle friend just announces a pregnancy.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: And I think it's so very hard to know what to do with this, because if a person has never struggled with infertility, they may not even have a concept that there are people out there in the world who are dealing with this, who might not receive that news as easily as other people.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: And on the other side of it, the person who has infertility who is listening it's not out of malice, but it's just.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: It can be so very triggering to know what to do with that and then to know how to interact with that person.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: Right, that's the tricky part.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: So you know, I would say, when friends get pregnant easily and announce that pregnancy, it can be super, super hard and it really can feel like no one understands, because you're like this person we've been friends since we were 12, you know, and I can't share this with her and I can't get her and she can't get me and how are we going to navigate this right?
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: So that's one situation.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Another situation is when work makes assumptions about you.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: You know, maybe you've shared a little bit that you're trying to get pregnant and that you are, you know, needing certain accommodations for appointments and such, and so people maybe know a little bit.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: And when people just make assumptions about your time like, oh, my kids have such and such and you know, can you just cover this shift because you know kids stuff or whatever it is, it's almost like there's this hierarchy of time and that people who have children, that their time is valued more highly than people who don't have children and that you know, especially like in my world, where 90% of my clients are physicians people just make assumptions that people without children can just pick up a slack because they have nothing that's as equally demanding of their time, and that's just not true.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: You know many of my clients say, listen, I've got IVF, I've got stuff to do.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: Not that everyone has that response ready to go or feels comfortable sharing, but it's like we all have important things to do and I think that when work makes certain assumptions, especially in situations where maybe it's our boss or maybe they have feelings about this or they want to talk about it.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: Really being able to set appropriate boundaries is helpful, but then also knowing that, unfortunately, there are other people experiencing these same things and so it's not just you.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: It's absolutely horrible, but it is not just you and you make sense for feeling this way.
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's like acquaintances who are just like you know, making chit chat.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: Maybe you run into somebody you haven't seen since high school and they're just like going on and on and on about you know, their three children and their activities.
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: Or we talked about this a little bit in one of our support groups a few weeks ago.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: That like sometimes there's this like mom identity thing where you know people are just like, oh, my gosh, I'm so tired.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: Well, it's because I'm a mom, right.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: Or then there's this like oh, but you would never understand, because you don't have kids, or your time is all your own, or whatever people say.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: People are like over-identifying with being moms and they use that to like whatever their story about victimhood is or whatever they don't like about their own current lives right now.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: They project that onto other people and there's this like othering that happens.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: You know it's like mom, not mom people in two different categories and that I mean that is so ridiculous.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: We're all human beings.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: But I think that it can further exacerbate the feeling of like wait, this person thinks that I can't be exhausted or tired because I don't have a child living in my home.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: That's just completely different and I want to break that apart.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's a partner who is maybe like over trusting in the process.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Like you know, I see this dynamic frequently in my heteronormative couples, where the female is, like you know, so organized and on it with the testing and the process and all the appointments and all of that.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: You know, even like when to have intercourse.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: You know women generally know when they're ovulating if that's part of your story but, you know, say the husband is like, relax, it'll happen what it'll happen.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: And you know, just don't take this so seriously it's because you're so stressed or whatever people say like, and I think part of it is like, well, if my spouse is my best friend, and like how, like, how can they see me and understand me when I'm doing everything in my power to make this happen?
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: And they just like they're so chill about it.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: Like I don't know about you, but like if anybody ever tells me to chill or relax, I like seriously want to physically harm them because I'm like don't you tell me to relax?
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: Like I'm the one holding up this universe over here, you know.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: So that's just a little personal anecdote, but I think that, um, really, just feeling seen by your partner and feeling seen by you know other people who are going through this process, it does take planning, it does take effort, not that we can't do things for stress reduction in the meantime, but I think when one person is like kind of like involved to a great extent and the other person is not really taking part in that, that can really add to these struggles.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: And then another thing is social media.
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: You know everybody and their brother is posting kid pictures or pregnancy announcements, or like I call it the 5%, you know, the top 5% that people want highlighted about their lives.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: And I don't know I mean I really really struggle with this because I play this game with my sister it's like what I would post on social media and what I'm actually thinking or feeling right now, you know, and it's like that discrepancy is so great.
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: So much of the time I mean nobody posts themselves like cleaning a toilet or doing something that's like undesirable.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: I mean nobody posts themselves like cleaning a toilet or doing something that's like undesirable.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: Similarly, nobody posts, for the most part, about infertility, and you know going to appointments and you know dealing with the uncertainty and having a large part of their bank account taken from.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: You know treatments that are very costly, and it's just, it's one of those things where I think social media exacerbates these differences between people and it's the people who aren't posting who are having miscarriages and infertility.
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: And that's one in six, right Like that's one in six couples, and even one in four female physicians who's going through this.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: You know, partly because training's so long, but it's just one of those things where it's like why can't we just turn off or turn down or contain the social media for a little bit?
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: Because, like I said before, it just adds to that othering, it highlights the lack or what we don't have, what we want, and it makes things more painful.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: You know, I actually saw on Peloton.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I was very excited.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: I actually got a Peloton bike not too long ago and so I'm now finally like getting into the I guess the craze and they actually have a filter where, if you do not want to see classes on, like you know, like motherhood or pregnancy or anything like that.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: You can actually specifically ask not to see that.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: So I'm I'm sharing this as a public service announcement.
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: Maybe if you joined Peloton when it was, like you know, first coming out and, like you know, even cooler than it is now, it might be more novel.
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: I think that you know I didn't.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: I actually I did sort of delve in it a few years ago.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: I didn't see that then, but now I see it now and I'm just really, really happy that companies are recognizing that you know, being exposed to these things, like almost without your will, that that can be very triggering, and that there are ways to take back that agency.
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: So I think we need more of that.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Like more gosh, like big brother monitors us like constantly, you know, wouldn't it be great if we could use that to our advantage, where we weren't being flooded with images of, like, pregnant people and baby supplies and all those sorts of things?
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: So you know all these situations with friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances, you know, social media, your partner, like it's just sometimes it can just feel like we're bombarded with not being seen and not being understood.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: And you know, I know we all have different personalities, but one of the things that bothers me the most in my life and maybe it's my own core wounds or things like that but it's like, you know, when I am feeling a certain way and somebody does not honor that, see that, recognize that, and I feel just like invisible or I don't know if incapable is the right word here, but like invisible alone, like somebody, like there's no way that somebody can share in that with me, because they're like missing the mark, and not only have I been missing the mark, they're like missing me, right?
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: So part of it is, you know, learning how to express ourselves in a way that maybe people can understand, and that's vulnerability.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: But then part of it also is finding your tribe, meeting with people who actually do walk those same steps and experience those same things, and, you know, coming up with solutions, creative solutions together.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: Like what do you do when your boss corners you in a room and you know just spews all this vile about anti-infertility treatments?
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: Like what do you do when that happens?
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: Like sometimes it really takes other people who have experienced that as well to give some suggestions and to offer support.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: So my first suggestion for when you feel alone on the fertility journey is to own your experience, to name it, to validate it.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: So I call this the it makes sense list.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: So it makes sense that I feel othered at work when all of my colleagues have kids and I don't.
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: And write it down.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: Like you know, if you're a client of mine, you know I'm like I get the look and I'm like write that down, that made a lot of sense.
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: Write it down, you know.
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: It makes sense that it's, you know, halloween and I'm on social media and all I like.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: I'm just like nauseous overseeing all these people in their, like, kid costume photos or maybe it's like the first day of school and that's very triggering to like.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: It makes sense that this bothers me and I feel off kilter, you know, even when other people say I should just be able to handle it and suck it up, or even when other people say I should just be able to handle it and suck it up.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: It makes sense that the fertility process is consuming a lot of my thoughts and my energy right now and I don't have a lot of energy for other things.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: It makes sense that I'm jealous of my closest grade school friend who had three children without even really thinking about it.
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: Or maybe resentful Resentment and jealousy are actually very close.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: If you, it's just sort of a side recommendation.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: Brene Brown's Atlas of the Heart book is a wonderful resource.
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: It is a book.
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: It's not like a sit down fiction.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: Read it on the beach book.
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: It's a book about how we can find vocabulary for our feelings and when we can be more specific about how we're feeling, then we can actually then share that with another person.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: And so what I learned from that book is that resentment is actually a form of jealousy, and once I realized that it kind of helped me navigate my relationships a little bit better.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: So the it makes sense lists, right, like, and just keep going like as many things as you can write down.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: Like it makes sense that you know I'm angry, that I'm putting my dream vacation on hold until I get through this IVF cycle.
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: It makes sense that like, on and on and on and on, like when we can validate ourselves.
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: I think part of the painful part about not feeling seen by another person is that we want somebody to see us and honor our experience.
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we really struggle to validate ourselves and see ourselves.
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: So this is really the starting place of that validation is we validate ourselves and see ourselves.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: So this is really the starting place of that validation is we validate ourselves, we see ourselves, we tell ourselves we make sense because we do.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: And then from that self-confidence and that awareness of who we are and that you know, that sort of Glennon Doyle talks about this all the time.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: Like you know, I'm just always trying to prove that I'm not crazy.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: This is not about like begging or proving or anything like that.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: This is really about showing ourselves that we make sense.
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: And that then becomes the springboard for the next step, which is honoring our feelings.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: So I guess we got a little preview in there with the Brene Brown book.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: But the next step after validating ourselves is to honor our feelings.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: And you know, I used to think that we feel like one strong feeling at a time and then, once that passes, then we feel another feeling and sometimes that's just dictated by the external circumstances.
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: We're kind of just like floating on these clouds of feelings.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Now I was working with a therapist a few years back who actually worked with kids a lot, and from her work with children she said the term double dip feeling and I was like what is a double dip feeling.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: And she said a double dip feeling is when it's kind of like having two scoops of ice cream at the same time.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: That may seem contradictory but in fact it actually makes sense because in the human experience we might be feeling at the same time tired and hopeful, and frustrated and anxious and, you know, hopeful.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: I don't know if I said hopeful before, but, like you know, there's a whole sort of spectrum of feelings that we can feel at the same time because a part of us is feeling a certain way right, this comes from the internal family system stuff where a part of me is feeling joyful, a part of me is feeling sad, a part of me is feeling angry, a part of me is feeling apprehensive and when we can understand that, you know, not even just like double dip feelings, but we can have, like, whatever those.
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: I'm from Vermont, so I think about that like Ben and Jerry's, like sort of trough of ice cream that they used to sell it, and they might, they might even still sell it.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: I would not be interested now if they did.
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: But in terms of thinking about feelings, like you know what, if we could have 15, 20 feelings at the same time, maybe they take up different amounts of space and attention in our internal landscape, our internal, our kind of inner world.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: But just that awareness of, like you know, it's not just me feeling, like you know, like happy for my friend that she announced she's pregnant.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: Maybe like a teeny, tiny part of me feels happy for her but, like the vast majority, feels resentful and fearful and anxious and jealous and afraid and like all those different things that come up as we navigate our own fertility journey.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: So just honoring our complexity is really important.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: The first step of that is really naming the feelings.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: So I do this all the time.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: Like you know, if you work with me in my course, you'll see that we use the how we feel app to kind of prompt us on a daily basis to name our feelings.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: Um, and sometimes, like I do that kind of regularly on a scheduled basis, because I love the app and I'm a little compulsive and it just kind of keeps me on track, and I realized, like a lot of the times as I've been doing this, like sometimes I really don't have that awareness of what I'm feeling, like sometimes I'm just going about my day, doing my errands, you know, being at work, and there's this like unconscious or subconscious feeling that is driving my actions.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's like low level irritability, and I don't like feeling irritable.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: I don't know about you, but I'm like you know.
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: Okay, maybe that's a form of anger.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Why am I feeling irritable?
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: Is there something I need to address so that I can release that, so I can feel more at peace, more calm, more grounded and get through my day in a way that doesn't steal my joy, in a way that doesn't steal my energy?
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: So that's that app.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: That's very useful, although it does only allow, to my knowledge, one feeling at a time.
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: I love my Google Keep app on my phone.
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: I mean, I don't always carry a journal with me, but I always carry my phone most of the time and I pull up just like a blank list and I just say I feel, and then I start listing my feelings until I feel like I'm done listing my feelings.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: And so I'm usually surprised by that, because what comes out when I do that kind of detox or awareness or whatever you want to call it, is like a lot of the time I'm feeling things that I don't even realize I'm feeling until I think about it.
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: So it's really helpful.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: Like I said, I do that how we feel thing a few times a day.
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: I'm imprompted through my phone, through the app, but then if ever I feel kind of off kilter or maybe it's like a transition and I just kind of don't feel quite right or settled in myself, I just get curious and I say like how am I feeling right now?
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: And I make that list and I honor those feelings.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: I feel them in my body, which is something that I teach my clients how to do, and then I let them go.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: And then the magical thing is that they don't have power over me.
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: And so, as these things come up, right when no one understands the shame, the isolation, the fear, the, the guilt, the regret, like all those things, like when we can say that our experience makes sense, when we can notice that these feelings are existing in our inner world, when we can feel them in our bodies and let them go, then that's the pathway to freedom, right, but we got to do the hard work of working through those things, the thoughts and the feelings, before we can release and be free.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: So what are some useful thoughts?
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: You know, once you kind of flush out your thoughts and your feelings, what are some useful thoughts that kind of get us out of that trap of like nobody understands and nobody will ever understand.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: The first one is the false thought they should understand right, and I think that's an assumption because we want to be heard and seen for who we are that I fall into that trap sometimes and I like to flip the script and reframe it to say, like how could they fully understand?
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: Like they're not me, they don't walk in my shoes and even if I can get to this place, like I don't expect them to understand that's a huge step.
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: Like cause, it's like wait, I just want, I just want them to see me, maybe it's a partner.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: Like I want them to understand what it's like to be monitoring my you know ovulation and making the like I just.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: But like how could they understand, you know, if it's a heteronormative relationship?
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: Like they don't live in a woman's body, they don't feel this biological clock ticking in the same way.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: Like that I don't expect them to understand.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: Or I don't expect them to understand, or I don't expect them to understand fully.
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: I think that that takes a lot of the pressure off.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: And one thing I've learned and I really take a lot of this from Dr Kavita Sun in her Heal your Relationships and her mastery courses is like when I can fill my own well, at least halfway, then when I make requests of somebody else, it's not coming from this somebody else, it's not coming from this scarcity place, it's not coming from this desperate place.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: So if I can say I trust myself to be able to fill my own well, to meet my own needs, if my partner doesn't understand, I will find a person who understands.
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: If I can say that in authenticity, then I can share my experience.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: Authenticity, then you know I can share my experience with my partner.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: And again, this is hypothetical but still like I can.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: I can share this experience with the partner and you know they might assimilate like 10% of it or maybe you know it's it's, it's a, it's a vulnerability exercise that brings us closer, but maybe they still don't quite get it at the end.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: But they're like how can I support you?
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: What do you need?
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: I want to be there for you as much as I can.
• 22:08
  Speaker 1: That's a very different experience and feeling like you know nobody gets this.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: I'm alone in this world, I'm always going to be alone, I'm going to die alone and you know I'm in this partnership and and like they're just never going to get it.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: That feels like a very disempowered victim place.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: And I just wanted to flip that script a little bit and this is another one that's related to this one.
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: We kind of talked about the victimhood that we can get into and this is not judgmental at all, but it's like back to that like why me that we talked about in the last episode and my mother encounters that was saying like why not me?
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: So I think the thought, and we're Right, so I think the thought, and we're going to call this out the thought I am not a victim.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: There are people who will understand and I just haven't found them yet.
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: So, knowing that there are spaces, there are safe spaces on Facebook, although sometimes those can go a little rogue, so be careful.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: There are support groups locally.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: There are, you know, groups on Facebook, both local and otherwise, for people with infertility.
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: There's Love and Science, which I'm a huge protector of this community.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: It's my passion project.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: I love creating a safe space for professional women who are struggling, and so that really is a haven for many people where we talk about these hard things, we talk about what nobody understands and we help each other navigate creative solutions.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: So just know that if you are in this situation and you are feeling completely isolated and, as a corollary, filled with shame and all these complicated emotions, there are resources.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: You just need to find them.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: And remember the reason that I do this work is to help people take back their power.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: And if that is what you desire, know that that is able to happen, that is in our wheelhouse and we can make that happen.
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: Okay, so the third useful thought I will offer is how can I be kind to myself?
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: And so I know that's a question, not really a thought, or maybe you could say I can be kind to myself, but I think sometimes, getting the creative juices flowing, it's better to say how can I be kind to myself?
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: Now, remember, one of Chris and Neff's three pillars is self-kindness, which is the opposite of self-judgment.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: And so, if we think about it and I say this on a daily basis right, there have been periods of my life when I went months without doing something kind or thinking something kind, and that's just.
• 24:25
  Speaker 1: It makes me very sad now to think about it.
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: But you know, know better, do better.
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: So, like what are things that you can do?
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: Like.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: One thing that I do every night that just shows me that I matter is I have a hot cup of tea.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: Usually it's Egyptian licorice, because I'm a super dork and I love like, I love things, I love routine, I love that.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: I love the licorice tea, even though I don't like licorice in real life.
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: I know that's like a quirky thing, but for me that's a way that I show myself kindness, because I'm telling myself okay, the day is done, it is safe to wind down.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: Like taking this comfort, taking this love, like everything's going to be okay.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: I don't know why, but like, for me that is an act of self-kindness.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: Another act of self-kindness that I do for myself is exercise.
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: Exercise is my mental health.
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: It affects my brain chemistry.
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: I fully understand that.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: If you're doing the fertility process right now and your REI has said you need modified activity, that can be really stressful, but usually that doesn't mean no activity.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: So, whatever you know maybe that's self-kindness to you is exercise and doing whatever is possible within the recommendations for you personally.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: That really can help, you know, especially if it involves being outside and seeing nature.
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: You've probably heard me talk before about how nature is just so inspiring to me, because it just is right, like talk about being versus doing, like it's the being that I connect with in nature, and nature isn't judging itself, it's just being nature and keeping these life cycles going, keeping these seasons going, and I get a lot of hope and inspiration from that.
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: Maybe it's like giving yourself a foot massage, maybe it's like, you know, doing a face cream, and the funny way that's actually something I do for myself sometimes is like it takes 10 minutes before bed I put on a face cream.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: I look kind of funny and then I like scrub it off and my skin has turned over and I feel like, you know, just kind of a more refreshed person.
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: Like there's all these little ways throughout the day that we can be kind to ourselves.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: And I'm not saying please do not misconstrue this to say that I'm saying that bubble baths are going to solve your problems and solve the world.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: This is not.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: I think that we need deeper healing on these emotional levels as well.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is that sometimes we think we don't deserve these things, especially if we're going through a hard time.
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: Sometimes we think that we're not worthy of experiencing the joy and the beauty of a moment because it's like, well, I have to keep Googling, I have to keep on the path.
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: I'm a soldier, I'm like making this happen, I'm forcing this to happen, like I got to keep stay strong, don't let my guard down.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: But it really is in these unhurried moments, it really is in these moments of softness and moments of tending to ourselves the way, like, almost like a nurse, would you know.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: I think about like, just like someone coming to the house, like back in the olden days who would like bathe a person or feed them if they couldn't do that themselves, and like it's just we are so staunchly independent as professional women and I think that is to our detriment.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: Just remembering that you are worthy of love, you are worthy of acts of self-kindness, in whatever form those are, and make that list, as I do with my clients, like write it down, like the things that make you feel better.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: Of course, sometimes they take different levels of time and planning, but there's a, there's a bunch of things we can do, even like in the spur of the moment, that show ourselves that love and that kindness and that really changes our energy moving forward.
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: Now I will also say I mean I think spirituality comes into this in a sense because, as we think about nobody understanding I know we all have different perspectives on the universe and creation and wisdom, traditions and all of those I mean.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: Mine is a Catholic Christian tradition, although I do consider myself to be more spiritual than religious.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: A lot of what I do at Love, science and in my own life is to focus on, like, the 12 steps and letting go and surrender and all of those things that are really commonalities as we think about, like, what is a life of faith, what is a life of service, what is a life of humility, and really like being good stewards of the gifts that we were given, and looking back at the end of our lives and saying, like you know, I did the best I could, and so, in that same vein, it's really helpful for me to remind myself that there is a God and I am not God.
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: Right, I do believe I am of God, but I really think and again, this is not to be religious, but I think tapping into that power that is greater than ourselves is so crucial for this process If it's tapping into love, like I had an experience this morning where I ran into somebody that I hadn't seen in many years and I just knew that that was the divine energy showing up for me and saying like, remember, you're not alone, I've got you and I've known since I was a little girl that I was never alone.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: I've always just felt this deeply loving presence with me, although, to be quite honest, it has taken different amounts of strength over the years.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I felt it very strongly, other times it was kind of like a dim flame and I really had to like find it, you know.
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: But that the truth is at least what I believe to be true, right Is that there is a higher power that is with us all the time and we can dwell on that, for we can draw upon that for comfort in times when we feel alone.
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: You know, thinking about, like the Christian God you know, who suffered so much on a cross, and you know, when I face my own suffering, I think about how the version of God that I was raised with and you know think about that was a God who suffered and it was through that transformation of suffering that then, you know, comes everlasting life.
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: And again, I'm not to say that one, you know, one religion is better than another.
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: I have clients and patients and friends and colleagues from all sorts of different wisdom traditions.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: But this is in my worldview.
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: Suffering is part of what it is to be human and knowing that we're not alone in that suffering, whether it's a friend who comes to bring us a sandwich, or maybe a colleague who gives us a hug, or maybe it's a call from our mom to check in and see how we're doing, like, maybe it's making a call with me, you know, at Love and Science, to explore, working together, like truly we are never alone and there are forces beyond ourselves which nurture us and hold us.
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: We just need to be open to those.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: It takes that like letting go of that staunch independence I just mentioned, that humility and letting that love in.
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: But we are vessels, we give love, we receive love, and it's in that spirituality, it's in that letting go, that we find a lot of the comfort that we need.
• 31:28
  Speaker 1: So I hope that if you're listening and we have different wisdom traditions, I hope that you can hear this in the spirit which I meant it.
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: But it's to say there's something greater than ourselves and when we tap into that energy, I think we all do a lot better.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: So, in summary, infertility is incredibly isolating.
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: With the infertility and the isolation comes a lot of shame, and as we can start to break down those walls, we really can reconnect with each other and find a way through.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: That melts the shame, melts the isolation and helps us to tap into that loving energy which really does connect us all.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: I hope that the useful thoughts that I shared are helpful to you in terms of just sort of overcoming limiting beliefs and finding a way through, and just know that I am rooting for you always and I'm here to help.
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: Okay with that.
• 32:21
  Speaker 1: I'll see you guys next week.
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: Bye.