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Preparing for kink Events · Kinkyboys Podcast

0:07
Buck: Hello and welcome again to the Kinky Boys Podcast.
0:11
Today we are keeping it in-house with regular co-hosts, Adam and master David.
0:18
Adam: Hello again, everyone.
0:20
David: Good to see you or hear you again.
0:24
Buck: Yes.
0:25
And today we are at time of recording a week away from a
0:30
big group trip to Darklands.
0:33
So to keep in the spirit of things because we are very much doing this
0:36
now, we are going to talk about planning and packing for a kink event.
0:43
David: Well, does everyone listening to this even know what dark lens is?
0:47
Buck or Adam, would you like to explain it?
0:50
Buck: ooh.
0:51
Adam: Darklands is a big indoor kink event held every year in Antwerp in Belgium.
0:59
It is host to a number of different contests as well as the vendor market
1:05
and a series of events and stage shows.
1:09
Dance parties are every night and several days, it is a huge
1:18
multinational community event.
1:21
Buck: Mm-hmm.
1:22
David: It is
1:23
Buck: It's,
1:24
David: very large event.
1:25
As kink events go,
1:27
Buck: yeah, as far as I'm aware,
1:28
David: big.
1:29
Buck: yeah, as far as I'm aware it is the largest in Europe.
1:35
David: That sounds accurate to me.
1:38
Buck: Yeah.
1:40
So it is a lot.
1:41
And we've all been more than once at this point.
1:45
David: But
1:46
Buck: Yeah.
1:46
David: for this episode is about helping people to understand and prepare for
1:52
kink events in general, big or small.
1:55
Buck: Mm-hmm.
1:58
Yeah, because there's some general considerations people have to
2:01
do and some general pitfalls.
2:03
I know people fall into I'm people.
2:08
David: I think all of us are people sometimes.
2:10
No, all of us are people all of the
2:12
Buck: Mm-hmm.
2:12
David: am I saying?
2:14
Buck: Well,
2:15
Adam: Yeah.
2:15
I've made a few pretty big stumbles and I've learned from all of them.
2:20
David: Indeed, yes.
2:23
Buck: So yeah, most of our advice, we will be using Dark Lens as an example,
2:27
but this can be applied to others.
2:29
I think a good place to start would be before the event, so, packing.
2:36
David: Well, let's talk about preparation in
2:39
Buck: Mm-hmm.
2:40
David: and packing is one part of that, of course, but there's the preparation
2:44
of what to bring, and there's also the preparation of what to expect and
2:49
how you prepare mentally in general.
2:53
But yes, packing is definitely a good place to start.
2:56
Buck: Yeah.
2:57
David: Buck, what do you typically bring to a kink event?
3:00
Buck: Too much.
3:02
Which is something I've learned to mitigate over the years I
3:05
have on these brains that goes, well, what if this happens?
3:09
Well, what if you decide to do this?
3:10
What if you meet a hot guy and he is into this?
3:13
So you have to take pretty much everything.
3:16
Yeah, which for my first couple of kink events, I massively overpacked,
3:22
lots of gear that was never worn.
3:26
It's very easy to fold into particularly if you've not been to the event before
3:30
and don't really know what to expect.
3:33
This is where talking to people who have already been before and
3:36
looking at the programme like event programmes to see what you're in for.
3:44
What I've learned is for Darklands specifically I pack basically about four
3:53
kink outfits in the main one for the Thursday, which is the sort of warmup day.
4:00
Things start to open, but not the full market.
4:03
People generally tend to have kink light for this, like harnesses jeans.
4:09
Last year we did just Lycra, Adam and I for that day.
4:13
That was fun.
4:16
Then you have Friday and Saturday, which I always describe
4:19
as the peak peacocking days.
4:22
This is where everyone puts on the gear version of their Sunday
4:27
best, their most flashiest outfits.
4:29
You know, I've seen people walk around with leather wings before because people
4:36
do make a spectacle outta these days.
4:39
And of course there's Sunday where everyone is exhausted and tired
4:43
and have been in boots for seven days, so they tend to dress down.
4:48
A lot of people on this day go jock and a harness with
4:52
trainers because practicalities
4:57
David: So what I'm hearing from you is lots and lots of gear, several
5:02
different outfits so that you can do plenty of different fun costume changes.
5:07
Is that right?
5:09
Buck: sort of, I try and keep it to at least one outfit a day.
5:12
It should be said I don't, Elise, I know you master and I don't really
5:17
do the evening events, which would often call for a change of outfit.
5:22
David: Adam, what about you?
5:23
What do you typically pack for fetish events?
5:25
Adam: So I have had the benefit of a little more experience going
5:29
to a bigger variety of events.
5:32
The joys of having travelled cross continents to places which on big
5:39
outdoor events, big indoor events, little outdoor events, little indoor events.
5:44
So for me, it's a lot more variable based on what I'm going to.
5:49
I look at how many days the event is going to be, whether I need to travel to the
5:56
event space from where I'm staying or not.
6:00
And whether, whether it's going to be outdoor or indoor like what the
6:05
temperature's going to be like.
6:07
At the time, I made the mistake in my first Berlin folson of going out in
6:14
full body rubber cat suit in the beating sunshine, and I was out for eight full
6:20
hours I thought, oh, yes, I am 21.
6:25
Of course I'm going to be fine to go out to a club after doing this.
6:29
Made it back to the hotel at the end of that for, shower,
6:35
change food, and went oh dear.
6:38
Is this what heat stroke is?
6:41
Buck: Mm-hmm.
6:41
Adam: stay in tonight.
6:43
So
6:44
David: wise.
6:45
Adam: having learned.
6:47
You now think ahead, go, okay, I'm going to be outdoors.
6:50
It's going to be hot, it's going to be sunny.
6:52
I'm going to wear something that I can sweat and the sweat will evaporate in.
6:58
Likewise, if it's going to be an event in the middle of February in
7:04
Belgium, I'm going to be travelling from my Airbnb to this indoor space.
7:10
It's going to be really fucking cold outside.
7:12
It's probably gonna be raining.
7:15
going to have something I can wear underneath
7:18
David: Okay.
7:18
Adam: a pair of joggers and a hoodie, for example.
7:23
So for me, I plan.
7:27
One outfit a day or one outfit that I'm just wearing.
7:33
If my suitcase is too small for that and then I go, okay, then I need
7:39
the civilian clothes for travel.
7:41
Or I don't, I need clothes.
7:45
I need items for activities that I've planned or I don't.
7:51
I need my medicine.
7:53
I need my CPAP.
7:55
I need boots.
7:57
I need, I'm probably going to bring a couple toys for playing with, I don't.
8:04
so on.
8:06
I have to have a sort of priority list of things.
8:08
I absolutely need things I will use things I want to use, things I can
8:16
probably get away with not bringing.
8:18
And then I look at my suitcase and I see how much space I've
8:21
got and I work through that way.
8:22
It.
8:25
David: It
8:25
Buck: Yeah, that's a good method.
8:28
And I mean, we are quite lucky in the fact that we can get to
8:32
this event by train and train.
8:35
Travel does not put weight restrictions on luggage.
8:40
Adam: Yep.
8:42
Plane flights, especially in America where you know you don't get a suitcase, you
8:48
are allowed your carry on, and that is it.
8:52
David: Unless you pay extra.
8:53
Adam: unless you pay extra, but
8:55
Buck: Mm-hmm.
8:55
Adam: who can afford that?
8:57
I'm
8:58
Buck: Yeah.
8:59
Adam: I paid for the outfit, I paid for the plane ticket, I paid for the hotel.
9:02
I can't afford the suitcase as
9:04
Buck: Mm-hmm.
9:05
Adam: So
9:06
Buck: Yep.
9:06
Adam: that is, you travel in your heaviest bulkiest clothes, you accept
9:11
that you are going to be sweating the plane, but at the very least you've got
9:16
all of the soft, squishy, light clothes packed away, and you're still good.
9:23
It's the old adage, you fly in your boots, you pack your sneakers, trainers.
9:30
Buck: Very much so.
9:31
Although it does have a nice side effect, I will say, which is when you're
9:35
travelling to these events, you can always tell who else is also travelling that way.
9:40
Adam: Mm-hmm.
9:41
Buck: One of my favourite things is the 9:00 AM train Eurostar to
9:47
Belgium from London, and you go through the gate and the whole
9:51
terminal is filled with leather bed.
9:58
David: So both of you pack pretty heavy in terms of various different
10:02
outfits and implements and such.
10:04
Buck: Mm-hmm.
10:05
David: as someone who is definitely kinky, but not so much into gear
10:11
exactly, I tend to pack a lot lighter.
10:15
For
10:16
Buck: Mm-hmm.
10:17
David: I tend to.
10:19
Think about bringing maybe one or two pieces, well, you might
10:25
call them pieces of flare.
10:27
A couple of interesting statement pieces that I can wear, whether that
10:33
is like a pair of leather gloves or suspenders or a kilt or maybe
10:39
a vest or something like that.
10:40
But something that I can add to my outfit that makes me look more
10:46
visually distinguishable as kinky.
10:49
personally, I don't bother that much with bringing a whole lot of
10:53
big, heavy, bulky outfits and such.
10:56
I'm much more interested in making sure that I have sort of toys or lube or
11:04
Buck: Mm-hmm.
11:04
David: implements that I want to use with somebody and making sure that I'm able to.
11:11
Set up wherever I'm staying in a comfortable way for
11:15
me and whoever I might be
11:16
Buck: Mm-hmm.
11:18
David: So I know that some people like doing things like candles, for example,
11:24
to feel more comfortable in the place that they're staying or your favourite
11:29
toys, bringing whatever lube you prefer, because you're probably not going to
11:34
be able to find that sort of thing very easily when you are travelling.
11:38
So it helps to think ahead, not just in terms of what you're going
11:40
to wear at the event, what would you like to do in private as well,
11:46
and what are you going to need
11:48
Buck: Mm-hmm.
11:48
David: Make sure you bring that as well.
11:51
Buck: Yeah, it's worth saying.
11:53
So on that note I travel quite regularly, like particularly to Amsterdam.
11:59
And one of the things I've done is I've basically put together a sort of travel
12:04
wash bag with everything I need, which includes travel, douche travel bottle
12:10
of lube travel tub of grease based lube.
12:15
And that I basically got an emptied out tub of what kept it was a tub of hair gel.
12:21
Once that was finished, I washed it out, put in some elbow grease, lube, one full
12:26
travel pocket also have fibre pills.
12:32
I know some people dislike to do this, but I have fast acting Imodium pills.
12:38
They're fast acting because A, they act faster, but also they
12:41
clear out your system faster.
12:43
Because when travelling, you will not have access to a regular kitchen often.
12:49
And this means a reliance on takeout food and eat out restaurant food,
12:53
which tends to be a bit more greasy.
12:58
So
12:59
Adam: Yep.
13:00
For me, I am much more powder-based.
13:02
I have my powdered lube, I have my powdered fibre, and time was, I had
13:09
my powdered caffeine, but that is sold by target and it's not sold over.
13:17
Buck: yeah.
13:18
Oh, the other thing I've started doing is taking so I, you can get them in
13:22
many forms, you can get them in packets, but I take the little effervescent
13:26
tablets of zinc and vitamin C. Now the efficacy of how much vitamins affect your
13:35
immune system is debatable by science.
13:39
It, during, kind of here and there, but generally speaking,
13:43
they're not gonna harm you.
13:45
And when travelling especially to a big event like this where everyone is mixing
13:50
kennel cough, and after event laggy is a thing, I prefer to at least hold
13:55
it off until after the event is done.
13:58
So I take these vitamin tablets with me to help with like the immune system.
14:03
David: Very smart.
14:05
Buck: Mm-hmm.
14:05
David: I
14:05
Adam: Conrad is real.
14:07
It is for every convention out there, it is the exact same thing as fresh as flu.
14:13
We are mixing everyone's viruses from everywhere who was coming, and I'm sure
14:20
it's a placebo effect, but god dammit, it's a placebo effect that works.
14:25
So I take them all the time.
14:27
Buck: Yeah.
14:30
And so master, you talked about taking toys and implements.
14:36
Again, this is something I struggle with where my mind goes, well,
14:41
what if you use this for play?
14:42
Well, if you use this for play?
14:44
So it is very tempting to take a whole raft of toys and implements
14:49
that most of the time don't get used.
14:52
David: It's
14:52
Buck: I think it's important to say a lot of these events, people,
14:57
unless you deliberately put time aside and plan for it, most of these
15:02
events, it's actually harder to arrange play than you might expect.
15:08
David: Prioritise bringing.
15:11
Smaller, more flexible items that you can
15:15
Buck: Mm-hmm.
15:15
David: in various different ways rather than extremely niche,
15:19
very specific scene based items.
15:23
So for example, rope.
15:25
Rope is great.
15:26
Rope can be used in all sorts of different ways.
15:29
Some people enjoy flogging, so bringing one or two vloggers you probably don't
15:36
need like the very specific speculum device that you like for, you know,
15:41
your specific whole style unless you know that you're going to play with
15:46
someone who likes that specific thing.
15:50
Adam: This does come with the, of course, corollary of.
15:54
You can indeed plan ahead to meet up with very specific people
15:59
to do this very specific scene.
16:02
you have to plan around bringing the implements for that.
16:06
See also me putting me putting people in the blueberry suit, the big
16:11
inflatable rubber thingy back in MIR.
16:14
That
16:14
Buck: Mm-hmm.
16:16
Adam: It took an entire carry on.
16:19
I had to plan around that.
16:22
David: Yeah.
16:23
Buck: Yeah.
16:24
Like I know certain kink providers do make things for travel.
16:29
Like I know a big one is under the mattress restraints where essentially
16:34
a big X of elastic, so you just lift up your hotel or Airbnb mattress and slide it
16:40
under, and the weight keeps it in place.
16:43
I know people tend to like say they're very good.
16:49
And you can get others, like some people do take collapsible and travel slings.
16:54
Now again, this is something you kind of have to know you're going to use.
16:57
Otherwise, it is a loss of heavy carrying.
17:01
Adam: So for that, I've seen a lot of a lot of use out of them at events
17:05
that take place inside the host hotel.
17:09
It is a much easier thing to invite someone back into your
17:13
room if all you are doing is going down the hall and up the left.
17:19
If you are trying to invite someone back to an Airbnb that is
17:22
out the hall across the parking.
17:25
car park onto the bus, take the bus, three stops, then go down the road up
17:29
the stairs, and that's a lot harder.
17:33
it, again, it depends on the venue that you're going to.
17:36
It depends on what you're going to be doing.
17:40
thank goodness, gives their own slings.
17:45
MIR, IML A MAL.
17:49
They don't, and that's why you will often find people with red hankies and that
17:55
very distinctive duffel bag on the way in.
18:00
Buck: Yeah.
18:00
Darklands is quite good in the fact that the essentially big event hall has
18:06
dark rooms event open basically all day.
18:12
And I think, again, I think it's saying you have to be wary of
18:16
your energy levels and time.
18:19
Like I would advise people to do the dance card method, say you
18:24
have this many slots for play and.
18:29
So when making plans go, okay, I'm gonna have basically about the energy
18:34
and time for what, three play sessions?
18:38
Maybe four.
18:39
So prioritise who you want to play with ahead of time.
18:43
Arrange it and you know, you may have to accept people's energy levels drop or get
18:49
burnt out a lot quicker than they think.
18:52
You know, there have been plenty of times where I've gone to an event and
18:54
there's someone I really have talked about playing with and the time comes
18:59
and I'm physically exhausted and I'm like, I will cuddle and make out,
19:04
but I can't do a scene right now.
19:07
I'm just gonna have to go back to the hotel.
19:09
Adam: Yep.
19:11
David: And I think that's a really.
19:13
Buck: Mm-hmm.
19:13
David: that's a really good segue as
19:15
Buck: Mm-hmm.
19:16
David: talking about planning, not just in terms of the
19:18
physical stuff that you bring,
19:20
Buck: Mm-hmm.
19:20
David: also mental preparation, social preparation, things that you can do
19:26
to make the event more of a success in advance so that when you arrive at
19:31
the event, you don't feel terrified.
19:34
And what do I do?
19:38
Adam: Yeah, so with the American events, this is usually quite easy because it's
19:43
all focused around a single big thing.
19:47
IML is very focused around the IML contest,
19:52
Folsom, the street fair, and so you can plan around that one central thing and
19:58
then you can start branching around that.
20:01
If you are going to dark lands, there is so much happening
20:07
Buck: Mm-hmm.
20:08
Adam: you have to just go to the programme first and go.
20:12
Okay.
20:14
I want to think of one thing each day that I wanna do, and then you
20:25
can have that one thing that you will guarantee you have the energy for.
20:30
And then from there it is things that be nice to do.
20:34
And then things that you know, you can take or leave.
20:38
But it'd be cool.
20:40
And as long as you do the one big thing each day, you're probably
20:45
going to still have a good time.
20:48
I,
20:50
Buck: Yeah, like plans, especially at these events rarely
20:53
survive impact with reality.
20:56
Everything is going on and you'll be distracted at the time.
21:00
You'll go oh, I'm really enjoying talking with this person, or,
21:03
I'm really enjoying this event.
21:04
I think I will just have to not go to this other thing.
21:07
I originally planned to.
21:08
Adam: mm-hmm.
21:11
David: Yeah, that's a good point.
21:12
It's, it is very helpful
21:15
Buck: Mm-hmm.
21:15
David: plans in advance, to have an idea of what you want to do.
21:19
But it is equally helpful to be flexible around those plans to say,
21:23
this is my idea, this is my intention, but the reality might be different.
21:30
And if I'm finding that I don't actually want to leave the current
21:35
situation I'm in to go and do the thing that I plan to do, that is okay.
21:41
You do not
21:42
Buck: Mm-hmm.
21:43
David: through on the plans that you make.
21:46
Buck: And on that note, I think it's also worthwhile saying, well, making plans
21:51
rest and recuperation is not something that happens in between things going on.
21:56
It is something you need to plan for and build in.
22:00
You need to give yourself slots in the day.
22:03
To chill out and relax because these events are intense.
22:07
They are socially intense.
22:09
You are meeting so many new people in a very high excitement forum.
22:14
They are centrally very loud, very in your face.
22:19
Everything's going on all the time.
22:22
Very busy, very crowded.
22:25
So you do need to plan for taking a break from that.
22:29
And how are you gonna do that?
22:30
Are you gonna step out the venue?
22:32
Are you, is there a area you can go to chill out and maybe plan to do it at a
22:37
lunchtime so you can rest and refuel?
22:40
I know we like to basically use lunchtimes to go back to a hotel
22:45
or Airbnb and have an hour or two just in the quiet to recharge.
22:51
And these are things you need to think about.
22:54
David: Yeah, but also don't scare the introverts too much
22:59
while everything that you're saying is true, it is loud, it is intense.
23:03
It can be intimidating for sure.
23:06
It's also important to keep in mind that.
23:10
overlap of people who are interested in kink and fetish events and
23:16
people who are neurodivergent or have problems with overstimulation.
23:21
That van, that Venn diagram is practically a circle.
23:24
Buck: Mm-hmm.
23:25
David: I guarantee you that even if you are terrified of this idea of going
23:30
into this big event and dealing with all these people, you are not the only one.
23:35
And there will be many people there who you can talk about your experience with.
23:39
And I guarantee you they will say, oh my God, me too.
23:42
Adam: Which leads me to one of my favourite little things for you still want
23:48
to be social, but you are aware of your own neurodivergence you are aware that
23:54
you are starting to get overstimulated.
23:57
The number of people who I have played magic the gathering with at kink events
24:03
is I'm approaching triple digits.
24:06
At this point, I have started saying it's not, I haven't met any puppies
24:13
if I haven't played Commander,
24:15
Buck: Mm-hmm.
24:17
Adam: so.
24:18
David: Or any other little game that you can bring with you and spend
24:23
five or 10 minutes with playing with someone you know, you can a game that
24:27
you can explain the rules very easily.
24:29
Board games are very popular
24:31
Buck: Mm-hmm.
24:32
Adam: I am so excited to see what the zeitgeist for the Europeans is
24:37
for the Neurodivergent game that everyone brings to these events.
24:42
'cause there's gonna be something, and I have five pounds that
24:48
says someone is going to play power grid while we're there.
24:55
Buck: Power grid is a good one.
24:58
It's.
25:01
David: So yeah, when you go to these big kink events, to be overwhelmed.
25:07
Expect that there's going to be a lot of people and it's going to be
25:11
difficult to deal with at times, but also expect that there'll be other
25:15
people in the same boat as you.
25:18
that you will probably be able to find people who also want a couple of minutes
25:22
of quiet downtime and people to play with.
25:25
And in fact, that's a really great way of bonding with people.
25:28
You know, maybe you find this very attractive guy who's also looking a
25:33
little bit overwhelmed and you say, Hey, can we play a game together?
25:36
Are you into that?
25:37
And he says, yes.
25:39
And then you start playing together, and then in like an hour or two,
25:42
the two of you are back in your hotel room doing all sorts of nasty,
25:45
terrible things to each other.
25:48
that only happened because you sparked that connection with being introverted.
25:53
Turns out it happens a lot of events like these.
25:56
Adam: Another tactic I have had great effect with for that massage, you would be
26:04
Buck: Mm-hmm.
26:06
Adam: and not surprised in the slightest at how many people have been in their
26:12
leather, in their rubber, in their Lycra, and after two days of this,
26:19
they're sore, they're stiff, aching.
26:23
If you give them the option to hate, do you want to head over to the
26:27
sofas over there and have a back rub?
26:31
Chances are they're going to say yes because that is much more
26:34
chill, much more low energy.
26:36
Buck: Mm-hmm.
26:37
Adam: recuperative, but it's still social and it's still intimate,
26:42
and it's a great way to have that cool down time while still having
26:47
that intimacy and that connection
26:51
Buck: Mm-hmm.
26:52
Adam: then lead to, you know, massaging in other ways.
26:55
Buck: Yes.
26:57
Like similar to that one of my favourite travel toys to
27:00
bring is my travel massage gut.
27:03
It's not intimate in the same way of hand to body massages, but trust me,
27:10
people line up for that shit when they see you've got a massage garden
27:14
and are working on people's back in public, you get a line forming.
27:18
David: Oh, I believe it.
27:19
Buck: Mm-hmm.
27:20
Adam: And we are not going to be on a plane, so I can
27:22
actually bring the good one.
27:25
Buck: Yeah.
27:28
David: I see the ideas forming.
27:30
Adam: Oh, this one has the hot and cold attachment, and I can tell
27:38
plenty of boys in their chesty belts are going to enjoy that.
27:43
Buck: Yep.
27:49
Yes.
27:49
Making tests.
27:51
I've made a spreadsheet already of what items to bring for what day and what
27:58
events I'm going to try prioritising, so.
28:02
David: If you're the sort of person who likes organising and preparing and
28:06
making lists and spreadsheets, go for it.
28:09
Do it.
28:09
Buck: Mm-hmm.
28:10
David: the sort of person who finds that more overwhelming
28:13
than helpful, then don't,
28:15
Buck: Mm-hmm.
28:15
David: Everyone prepares in different ways.
28:18
Adam: Yeah.
28:19
David: And another thing that I wanna mention as well especially when you're
28:25
going to an event for the first time, and honestly, this is not specific to
28:30
kink events, this is events in general.
28:32
When you're going to an event for the first time, really easy to be
28:37
overwhelmed in terms of the social aspect.
28:41
Looking around and feeling like everyone already knows each other, everyone
28:46
is already talking with each other.
28:48
And I don't know anybody.
28:50
And sometimes it's helpful to try to come up with ways to deal with that and
28:55
to make those social connections where, at least to make it easier to break the
29:00
ice once you actually enter the event.
29:02
Do either of you have any tips about that?
29:05
Buck: There is a great old standby, which is, Hey, I like your gear,
29:10
or I like what X you are wearing.
29:13
That is always a great opener and it allows people to discuss and just.
29:18
It's a great way to start a conversation with someone you know nothing about.
29:22
There are also at these places, dedicated socials built around often specific kinks.
29:29
Like we as a group will be running one this year as the hypno kink social,
29:35
or we'll be helping you master rather.
29:38
David: Mm-hmm.
29:39
Buck: Mm-hmm.
29:40
Yeah.
29:41
But there are different socials on throughout the day and they are
29:43
good places because they are where people go to introduce themselves
29:47
and everyone is a mindset of I am going to talk to new people.
29:52
So they are will be more receptive when you talk to them.
29:56
Adam: Meanwhile for me, I have found great success with one
30:01
Buck: Mm-hmm.
30:03
Adam: day before you go ask, hi, who will I be seeing there?
30:08
And you will have a list of people to look out for.
30:10
They will in turn know people and they'll introduce
30:14
Buck: Mm-hmm.
30:14
Adam: as you bump into them.
30:17
And two, going around in gear, you are signalling that you
30:24
are part of this community.
30:26
People will look at you, people will say hi.
30:29
People will make flirty eyes with you.
30:31
And if you go into it in with your energy levels up, with your caffeine
30:39
levels high, with your confidence assured because you are wearing your battle
30:43
armour, you can just smile back and that'll be enough to start conversations.
30:50
If you are going to one that are centred around a focal event, chances are
30:55
there's going to be travel to that event.
30:57
Travel from that event lines.
31:00
Just chatting to the people in the queues around you.
31:04
I made my first friend in America because on the shuttle to the main event at
31:11
IML, the boy who sat opposite me was wearing a bone collar I barked, hello,
31:18
and he barked back and boom, broken.
31:22
We are in conversation.
31:23
We have indicated that we are part of the same community and now
31:27
we're busy nerding out together.
31:29
And
31:29
Buck: Mm-hmm.
31:30
Adam: yeah, just remember
31:32
David: So your advice is bark at redose.
31:36
Adam: it worked
31:39
indicate that you are part of the same community as people
31:42
around you and they will often be open to interacting with you.
31:48
Buck: And like the fact that you are willing to bark at someone in public
31:52
who you didn't know brings up a point, which is at, there are things you
31:58
can do to mitigate nervousness and make introducing yourself easier.
32:04
At the end of the day, the paradox of being nervous to meet people is you can
32:08
only meet people by pushing yourself.
32:11
Past that there always has to come a point where rubber meets the road and you have
32:16
to actually say something to someone,
32:21
and
32:22
David: One.
32:23
Buck: you can make that easier certain ways, but at some point, you will have
32:26
to be the one to introduce yourself.
32:29
David: Very true.
32:30
One little thing I have found that
32:32
Buck: Mm-hmm.
32:33
David: me at
32:34
Buck: Mm-hmm.
32:34
David: with.
32:35
Recognising that it's that, that I'm not the only person who doesn't know anyone
32:41
Buck: Mm-hmm.
32:42
David: is you are in a room full of people and they are talking with each other.
32:48
The natural lens to view that through is to look at the people who are in
32:55
conversation with each other, because that's what you're looking for.
32:58
Of
32:58
Buck: Mm-hmm.
32:59
David: you're seeing the people who are actively engaged with each
33:02
other, that can feel isolating if you are not already in a conversation.
33:09
But one thing that I find helps me to feel a little bit less uncomfortable
33:14
is to try shifting my perspective.
33:16
And instead of looking at the people who are talking with
33:19
each other, I try to look at.
33:23
edges of the social group.
33:26
I try to see, oh wait, so there's a group of three people who are all talking with
33:30
each other, but there's another group of three or four people standing right next
33:33
to each other and they're not talking.
33:36
I think that means they don't know each other.
33:39
Like maybe those people who are talking with each other, they know
33:41
each other, but there's people right next to them who they don't know.
33:45
And then there's more people who are like standing right next to each
33:48
other and are not in conversation.
33:50
And they also probably don't actually know each other.
33:55
maybe I'm not the only person here who doesn't know people, like even the people
34:00
who are talking with each other, they probably don't know everyone in the room.
34:06
they're probably just talking with the people that they do know because
34:09
they're a little intimidated to reach out to people that they don't know.
34:13
it sounds so silly and so obvious to say it out loud,
34:16
Buck: Mm-hmm.
34:17
David: but I find that reminding myself of this in that situation.
34:22
Makes it a lot easier for me to feel less awkward that I don't know people here.
34:29
Buck: Yeah.
34:29
David: I'm not the only one who doesn't know people here.
34:32
Buck: Yeah.
34:32
And there's also an assumption there, which is, I often, I have done this
34:36
many times where so in conversation, one of my stock questions for me
34:41
meeting someone new is, so, how long have you known this person?
34:45
Da.
34:46
'cause that obviously opens the door for them to talk about
34:48
their history and so forth.
34:50
And often at these big events, the answer I've gotten is oh, I
34:54
just met him five minutes ago.
34:56
So these people who are talking away in conversation, I assume they already
34:59
knew each other and no, they, like everyone else, are here fresh off
35:03
the boat and they are just mingling.
35:08
Adam: Yeah, it's,
35:13
yeah, I am so used to people just sort of, if you are in like the
35:18
Buck: Mm-hmm.
35:19
Adam: at Darklands or if you're in the seats for a contest, just literally
35:24
turning my head to the side and going, hi, the, I just sort of assume nowadays that.
35:31
You don't know each other until you've started making inside
35:35
jokes in the conversation.
35:37
Once they laugh at something that no one else seems to understand and they look
35:41
at each other, that's when I get the cue of, oh, you actually do know each other.
35:46
Buck: Mm-hmm.
35:47
Adam: which has, I'm now realising there's been an incredibly
35:50
helpful mindset to walk in with.
35:53
David: Adam, I'm seeing that you have become incredibly American.
35:58
That is a very American trait to be able to just strike up conversation
36:03
with someone you don't know.
36:04
And I'm American as well.
36:06
I also have the skill, but having moved to Europe, I am seeing just
36:12
how unusual that is in other co,
36:15
Buck: Mm-hmm.
36:17
David: So I know that not everyone finds it as easy as Americans to just
36:21
say hi to someone that they don't know.
36:23
Adam: This is where my neurodivergence is shining in though.
36:28
'cause this was how I learned to deal with going to like going back
36:36
to school as an adult and not having like big cultural signifiers is just
36:42
scanning and going, okay, do I share anything with either of these people?
36:46
Yes.
36:47
The class that we are in and the thing that we are looking at and the
36:50
activity that we are doing together.
36:53
That's enough.
36:54
I'll run with that and
36:57
Buck: Mm-hmm.
36:58
Adam: yeah, maybe it's an overcorrection for the shyness that I did have.
37:05
Do have question mark.
37:09
Look, being an extroverted introvert is weird.
37:14
David: Can relate
37:15
Buck: Yeah.
37:16
Oh, before we move on fully from this topic, there is one more thing
37:20
which I think we need to cover with talking to people in the kink world.
37:25
Things get very parasocial in the fact that often we will follow people online
37:30
for their pictures or thirst traps or videos or official OnlyFans or just for
37:39
fans or insert video service of choice.
37:44
Adam: Yep.
37:44
Buck: And it can be this really weird space of I know you, I know
37:49
a certain amount about your life,
37:51
David: I've
37:52
Buck: you dunno
37:52
David: to
37:52
Buck: me.
37:53
David: many times.
37:54
Buck: Yes.
37:55
Yeah.
37:55
Which personally I love to hear, like, I love it when someone's told me that and.
38:03
Going up and just saying, Hey, I follow your social media.
38:06
I really like your stuff, is a great opener.
38:09
Although also don't be surprised if the conversation does go much
38:13
beyond that because these are busy things and it's like, oh great.
38:17
And yeah.
38:19
Adam: Yeah, I've had that go both ways.
38:22
I have been able to start with that as the icebreaker and
38:28
Buck: Mm-hmm.
38:28
Adam: show my humanity as opposed to just immediately fangirling start showing that
38:34
I actually see the other person as a full human and not as an image on a screen.
38:41
And that's gone really well.
38:44
And then also, you know, you get people who just, can't get past the idea that
38:51
you are simply an image on a screen
38:54
Buck: Mm-hmm.
38:54
Adam: and.
38:56
The social interaction kind of stops once they realise, wait click.
39:01
I'm trying to click on you.
39:03
Why aren't you doing the thing?
39:05
Buck: Hm
39:06
Adam: because I am a human and I'm holding a coffee in one hand and
39:12
my passport in the other to try and get into this event, gimme a minute.
39:18
Buck: mm-hmm.
39:20
Yeah.
39:21
And like, yeah, there are also people there at these events
39:24
who are basically on the clock.
39:27
And you know, I've had it where there have been people I've followed and
39:31
crushed up, like para socially crushed on for ages and they're sort of at
39:36
their booth and I'm like, oh my God.
39:38
Oh my God.
39:39
And it's also that they're on the clock, they're working.
39:44
They have sort of don't flirt with the waitress
39:50
where they be rude or get away.
39:53
Adam: Mm-hmm.
39:53
Buck: be aware, like.
39:56
They're on the clock and just say, I like your stuff, big fan.
40:01
Move on.
40:03
Adam: Yeah, they, yeah.
40:06
Context is always important in these things,
40:09
Buck: Yeah.
40:10
David: It is also okay to.
40:14
a nice five minute conversation with someone.
40:17
And then if it seems like things are going well, you can say, Hey,
40:21
I give you my contact information?
40:24
Is there
40:24
Buck: Mm-hmm.
40:25
David: information you would like to give me?
40:27
And maybe we can like follow up with an actual deeper conversation
40:32
after this big crazy event is over.
40:36
Adam: That is a great way to go about it.
40:39
Yes.
40:41
Buck: Definitely.
40:41
David: then of course, when you reach out to them on whatever social media
40:45
or whatever contact information they've given you, to remind them who you
40:49
are because most of these people are.
40:54
Going from person to person to person to person.
40:56
They might have spoken to literally more than a hundred people that day.
41:02
anything that you can do to help jog their memory, Hey, I was the person wearing
41:08
this, or We talked about this particular obscure topic, or I thought it was really
41:14
cool that you were wearing this particular jockstrap and I wanted to take a selfie
41:17
with you, and you said that was fine.
41:19
Buck: Mm-hmm.
41:20
David: that you can do to jog their memory, I guarantee
41:23
you they will appreciate it.
41:26
Adam: One.
41:27
Yes.
41:29
The amount of times I have had to just sort of smile and nod and rack
41:34
my brain as I'm trying to remember who the fuck was this person?
41:38
Have we even met before?
41:40
They're acting like they know me.
41:41
Did they know me from social media or did we meet in person?
41:44
I despise my memory sometimes.
41:46
I wish it was better to, my sub still has me in his phone because I used that
41:56
specific tactic for how I put myself into people's contacts as Adam Big.
42:03
But from Lloyd's birthday, he never changed it.
42:10
David: It helps.
42:11
It genuinely helps.
42:14
Buck: It's generally tactic for memory where if you want to remember someone's
42:18
name, you remember something specifically about them like they wear glasses or their
42:24
hair is like blue or something, and attach their name to that one element about them.
42:31
It's an actually quite an old memory trick people have like talked about for ages.
42:37
Personally, I am I advocate.
42:41
Name tags, like obviously puppies and pet players have them already.
42:45
I got myself a nice little magnetic name tag with my name and also my
42:52
social media handle, and it's magnetic so I can have it on both leather
42:56
and rubber without damaging stuff.
42:59
And it may sound silly, but at these big events where everyone's mixing
43:04
them, being at, I can see the relief on their face when they just look over
43:07
and see, oh, that's that person's name.
43:09
I don't have to remember it.
43:12
Adam: Do you think there's time to order one of those before dark lines this year?
43:17
I think I need one.
43:19
Buck: I can look one up tonight.
43:21
I will look them up tonight that they're like one pound 50 off Etsy.
43:25
So, yeah.
43:27
Adam: Amazing.
43:28
Wonderful.
43:28
Perfect.
43:29
Yes.
43:30
Buck: Mm-hmm.
43:32
Yeah, trying to think.
43:35
So we've covered planning for packing and not overpacking.
43:39
We've covered planning for events and not overextending ourselves.
43:43
We've covered being sociable.
43:47
There is one more thing I think we should cover, which is budgeting
43:50
for for frivolity and toys, both money-wise and taking stuff home.
43:57
David: And after we're done with that topic, we should also talk a
44:00
little bit about after the event
44:03
Buck: Mm-hmm.
44:03
David: how you handle the come down.
44:05
Buck: Oh, that's a big one.
44:06
David: First
44:07
Buck: Yes.
44:08
So most of these are big events have market stalls.
44:13
The pop, the most popular ones are actually what I've seen both
44:18
in Darklands and my experience at MIR is the secondhand stalls.
44:24
Tend to be insanely popular because you can get some really
44:27
good deals on very unique gear.
44:32
Often before they're open, the lines are going right round the door.
44:37
Adam: So the method I used to use which honestly I should really
44:42
go back to was two twofold.
44:47
One, the amount of suitcase space that I have spare.
44:51
I
44:52
Buck: Mm-hmm.
44:52
Adam: remember that in the process of packing so that I can think, okay, I
44:57
have a pair of boots worth of space.
45:00
I have a t-shirts worth of space.
45:02
I have a, bad dragon extra large worth of space, and I can plan
45:10
what to purchase from that.
45:12
And then two, I used to either go cash back in the olden days or then
45:18
prepaid cards for currency transfer.
45:23
And that way I would have a set amount of money that I had for the entire trip.
45:30
I would be able to monitor it as I go and I'd be able to say, okay, in food,
45:36
factoring in travel, I've got about this much that I can spare on nice things.
45:42
What is my budget for this specific shop?
45:47
And I could work that way.
45:49
Buck: Yeah, like modern banking apps often have pot features that let you make
45:55
little pots of money ringfence for these sorts of things which are very handy.
46:01
Just having that set budget beforehand can work really well.
46:05
One trap I used to fall into when I was younger is feeling
46:09
like I had to get something.
46:12
Almost like when I'm at this big event and there are all these vendors
46:15
here, I should at least get something just to have a memento of this event.
46:22
And that had quite often led to buyer's remorse.
46:26
'cause I You got bought it, brought it home, and it sat in the drawer like
46:33
David: Yeah.
46:35
Buck: Yeah.
46:36
Adam: Every free t-shirt that they give out at the American ones,
46:40
Buck: Mm-hmm.
46:41
Adam: hey.
46:42
It's a cool idea, guys, that after I stopped tearing the sleeves off and using
46:48
them as gym vests, because I still had even too many gym vests after that, I've
46:54
just picking them up from the event.
46:58
just gone, oh, thank you.
46:59
But no thank you and given it back.
47:03
David: Makes sense.
47:04
Buck: Yep.
47:06
David: when it comes to buying gear at a fetish market in one of these big events,
47:12
Buck: Mm-hmm.
47:13
David: two things that you absolutely should keep in mind, and those are
47:18
the two best times for buying things.
47:21
Depending on what you're looking for, the best time for buying something.
47:27
If you're looking for something specific, something unique, or something
47:32
that you think is going to sell out.
47:34
Is right at the beginning of the event as soon as possible, rush over
47:40
to the vendor area because everyone will still be in stock of all the
47:44
things at the beginning of the event.
47:46
And that is the time to look when you have the most choice and the most
47:51
opportunity to find something that there may not be very many options of.
47:58
if they have something unusual, the vendors might only bring one or two
48:02
copies of it, and when they're gone.
48:03
So you're looking for that specific, unusual thing, right at the beginning.
48:11
And then the second thing to keep in mind is if you're looking for a deal, if
48:15
you're looking to save some money, go at the end of the event because vendors who
48:24
go to these events to sell their goods.
48:27
They have to pay to transport their goods to and from the event.
48:33
Buck: Mm-hmm.
48:34
David: And their ideal situation is that they bring just enough goods to sell
48:41
everything and at the end of the event, they have nothing left to transport back.
48:45
That is the ideal situation for a vendor, but that hardly ever happens.
48:51
Usually by the end of the event, they still have a significant number of items
48:55
that they have not sold, and every one of those items is something that needs
48:59
to be packed up and transported back, which is a cost, both in time and effort.
49:06
if you're looking for a deal, you can approach one of these vendors at
49:10
the end of the event and say, Hey.
49:13
see that you have this thing that hasn't sold yet.
49:17
you be willing to sell it to me for a discount so that you
49:20
don't have to bring it back?
49:22
You can haggle over the price.
49:24
That is something you can try.
49:26
They may or may not be receptive to it, but you can always ask,
49:30
and it helps a lot if you're willing to buy more than one item.
49:35
It's almost guaranteed that if you approach a vendor at the end of the event
49:40
and you ask about buying two or even three items from them at once, and then
49:45
you ask for a discount of 10 or 15%, almost guaranteed they're gonna say yes.
49:54
Buck: Yeah.
49:55
Adam: Yeah, pretty much.
49:57
Buck: Mm-hmm.
50:00
Adam: oh and one more thing.
50:02
At almost all of these events nowadays you will have someone who does the sizing
50:09
for the cock cages for chastity devices.
50:14
You wanna do that early as well because they do also run out of your size
50:22
of cock cage, cock cage in general.
50:27
be one at the end, your specific one that's special
50:32
and that needs to happen early.
50:35
David: Absolutely.
50:38
Buck: Oh yeah.
50:38
And it like getting sized up for stuff like cock cages in person, which is
50:43
quite difficult to do in general.
50:44
But these events, there tends to be booze for this sort of thing.
50:48
Very worth doing if it's something you've wanted for a long time especially.
50:54
Adam: Strongly recommend can no longer relate.
51:04
Buck: So, yes.
51:05
What was the last topic to cover?
51:08
David: Handling you react to after an event is over and the
51:12
Buck: Yes.
51:14
Event drop is a thing.
51:18
It is a very.
51:21
So it often happens quite reliably and it's often a
51:25
very hard thing to go through.
51:28
The neurology behind it is after days of lots of excitement, your dopamine has
51:34
been running, your serotonin has been running much higher than it normally does.
51:38
You have been socialising, and when that suddenly stops and you are
51:45
left going back to regular life, it can cause a huge mood drop.
51:54
Adam: So for me personally, I used to try and just force myself
52:01
back into the routine immediately.
52:04
This did not work.
52:07
I have learned from painful experience that no, I really need a rest day.
52:13
if that means that I missed the last day of the event because I
52:16
have worked the day after, so be it.
52:20
I would rather be functional then than gotten the like energy day.
52:32
Buck: Yeah.
52:33
The biggest thing I found is the hair of the dog method, where a large part is
52:38
you're missing out on the socialising.
52:40
So make plans for once you come back, like say to some friends who
52:45
you know, you enjoy their company.
52:47
Say, Hey, this afternoon or evening, do you wanna come around
52:51
my place or go around theirs?
52:54
Do you want to go out to a restaurant together so we can be out and
52:58
socialising and just sort of get a bit of the hair of the dog, which
53:02
helps alleviate the impact of.
53:05
David: Or video chat also works, especially for people
53:09
that you've met at the
53:11
Buck: Mm-hmm.
53:12
David: and then you've gone back to your home and they've gone back to
53:14
their home and probably both of you are feeling that event drop, out to
53:20
them and say, Hey, are you struggling?
53:22
'cause I'm struggling to, can we talk?
53:25
Can we just like talk about this big event, this big intense
53:29
event that we just went to?
53:31
Buck: Mm-hmm.
53:32
Yeah.
53:32
And that's a great way to carry on friendships and bond as well as, yeah,
53:37
as you said, alleviate the event drop.
53:40
One thing I always do is because my partner tends not to come with me to these
53:45
so I asked my husband can you make sure on my day back that we have a nice, hearty.
53:52
Like comforting home cooked meal because again, I've been probably
53:56
eating out at restaurants and fast food takeaways for the last couple of days.
54:00
Just something made with love and care and is nourishing would be really good
54:05
and really just help with my mental state.
54:11
Adam: It was always games nights for me.
54:13
Buck: Mm-hmm.
54:14
Adam: planning something in those few days after I got back.
54:18
Just board games, card games, something that doesn't require too
54:22
much planning and that everyone knows how to do, but is still sociable
54:27
and done in person, helped me.
54:31
Also for not in person discord movie nights, discord TV nights,
54:36
discord video game nights.
54:38
Having those with people that are far away, it meant that we were still sharing
54:44
something together, if it was much lower energy, much more chill, much more calm.
54:51
It made all the difference for the recovery period.
54:54
Buck: Mm-hmm.
54:55
David: And it doesn't have to be Discord.
54:57
It can be whatever chat system or video system
54:59
Buck: Mm-hmm.
55:01
Adam: Yeah.
55:01
Buck: Yes.
55:03
Other chat systems are available, as they say on news networks.
55:07
There's also one more thing, which I think we, we've talked about ways to
55:13
avoid or alleviate, which are good.
55:17
I also think you kind of do have to go through periods of low mood
55:22
David: Absolutely.
55:23
I.
55:23
Buck: and Yeah.
55:25
Yeah.
55:25
And what I found is I actually recover a lot quicker if I actually just let
55:28
myself have a day where I let myself feel down and don't pressure myself
55:33
to be chirpy or over it already.
55:36
If I just say.
55:38
This is my miserable day.
55:39
I am going to stay in bed.
55:41
I'm going to make myself lots and lots of cup warm cups of tea or
55:45
hot chocolate and just feel a bit down on the sofa watching trash tv.
55:51
And the next day I tend to find myself feeling much, much better
55:56
just for letting myself process it.
55:58
'cause feeling these feelings is a way of your brain processing things.
56:02
Adam: Well, yeah, it's rest day.
56:03
The same as having done any, like any big exercise in your body.
56:08
Needs rest.
56:09
You've just done a big mental exercise and your brain needs rest.
56:13
Buck: Mm-hmm.
56:16
Adam: I tended to call it sofa day, back in the day.
56:20
Buck: Exactly.
56:20
Sofa day, duvet day.
56:23
Sometimes you just have to go through it.
56:26
David: Yeah, but it does
56:28
Buck: Mm-hmm.
56:29
David: to intentionally set a limit on your
56:32
Buck: Oh yeah.
56:32
David: period.
56:34
Like,
56:34
Buck: Oh yeah.
56:35
David: feeling your feelings is very important.
56:38
It's okay, and it's valid to be sad and miserable, but make a decision
56:43
when you come back from this event, okay, I am going to wallow for, I
56:48
don't know, one day, maybe a day and a half, and then at the end of that
56:53
period, I need to pick myself up and I need to go back to living my life.
56:58
Buck: Mm-hmm.
56:58
Adam: Yeah, it's
56:59
Buck: I find that's a yes.
57:02
Like I do find that is a really good strategy in life in general.
57:07
Just if something hard has happened, saying, I will give myself X amount of
57:12
time and then I have to pick myself up and get on with things, and that does help.
57:17
Just allotting that time to yourself as a limited space
57:22
does help you in the long run.
57:26
David: Definitely
57:27
Buck: Mm-hmm.
57:28
So, yeah.
57:29
Anything you guys can think of that we've not covered already?
57:34
Adam: Make sure to pack shoes because there will come a time when
57:40
you cannot wear your boots anymore.
57:43
Buck: Mm-hmm.
57:47
David: and drink a lot of water.
57:49
Pace yourself.
57:51
You have limited energy reserves, respect that, breaks.
57:57
Buck: Oh, one more thing, which I think's important.
58:01
If you are packing a lot of your favourite gear and toys into a
58:05
suitcase, get travel insurance.
58:10
David: And also like put them in plastic bags or some sort of way of protecting
58:16
them just in case the bottle of lube opens in the middle of your suitcase.
58:22
Buck: Mm-hmm.
58:23
Adam: Every
58:24
Buck: Yeah.
58:26
Adam: It's always the shampoo.
58:28
Again, not a
58:29
Buck: Mm-hmm.
58:30
Adam: but
58:34
Buck: Yes and always bring a travel douche.
58:36
Adam: mm-hmm.
58:39
Buck: So I think that about covers everything.
58:42
David: I think so, yeah.
58:43
Buck: Mm-hmm.
58:44
Yeah.
58:45
So yeah, I will put your links in bio.
58:49
People probably know where to find us by now.
58:52
So what I will say is thank you listeners, and as always, play safe.
59:03
That would.