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Returning to Work After Loss: Navigating Grief and Professional Life · The Boujee Multipreneur

• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the podcast.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Hillary.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Today I want to talk about something a little bit less peppy and fun.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I love to have fun and uh be all positive.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: But honestly, I want to talk a little bit about something that happened to me.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: I took a few months off and I want to kind of talk about why.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about what it's like to go back to work and go back to life after a sudden death in your family.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Uh recently, I lost my father suddenly.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to kind of talk about that because if you haven't gone through that, then you might not know what to expect.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: And if this is too sudden for you to listen to this, feel free not to listen to this episode.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I totally get it.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: I just felt like today I was in a good space that I could talk about it while some of the emotions were still fresh for me.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and I think it's something we should talk about, right?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, it all happens to us, it's a process of life.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Death is gonna be present.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: And um, if you're like me in your mid-40s and you haven't lost someone, like it's the time, right?
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I mean, I losing my father was very sudden.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And so there's probably a lot of emotions, you know.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: I got to spend a lot of time with him in hospice care at the end and got to tell him everything that I wanted to, and heard everything he wanted to tell me.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: So the closing was wonderful.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: However, it's like you just don't bounce back.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I read some books, I've listened to audibles and podcasts on it, and I read things and yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: They're oh, you're just gonna take time.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, yeah, but like how much time?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm a type A person and I've got shit to do.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I've got several businesses, I've got young kids at home, I do stuff, I've got, am I gonna make it to my Platys in the morning?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like it, it just was like, I need to know when I'm gonna be okay to do all this stuff again because I don't really like sit around and just feel sorry for myself.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it definitely took a lot longer than I expected.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: And it is like some little things sometimes can just set me back like a week.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, dang, I was doing so well.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: I went like a whole week without crying, um, or feeling sad or sorry, or you know, all these memories flooding into my mind all the time that causing me to not be as creative or uh not want to do as much stuff.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that one of the main things that I noticed because I'm a type A and I'm an extrovert, I definitely went inward a little bit more than what was normal for me.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Even my my mother mentioned it to me, and my husband's like, just get out there, just get out and do stuff.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, yeah, or I could just stay in this bedroom and I could just read a book or I could just watch these next Netflix series and just be happy.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I forced myself to go out quite a bit and I forced myself to do things.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: I I did spend some time alone and you know try to to work through things, but I wasn't ready to actually go back to work.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was so exhausted.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think the adrenaline and the sympathetic nervous system fight or flight going for so for for a couple months while he was in hospice and in the hospital.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: I think that it just like came to a halt and I kind of just like crashed and I was so exhausted, like definitely emotionally, but even physically, like I felt exhausted physically.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't want to go do my Pilates or go for a walk or do anything.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was just like, God, I'm so tired, you know.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess that's what my body needed.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I tried to check in and think, well, is my body trying to tell me something?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I had a friend that would say, Well, you just need to start up running.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: You need to run every day five miles.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like, hey, I hate running.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's oh, it's so good for your brain.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm thinking, I don't see how me being in uh fight or flight mode for months and then pushing me into running is going to be helpful.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, so listen to your body.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like I had to check in like at least once a day with like, what's my body saying?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, step back and look at it.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Why is my body saying, like, go back to bed after you get the kids on the bus?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: And normally I would never do that.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a napper at all.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm a morning person.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: I get up and get shit done in the morning.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I was like, okay, I guess I'll try to lay down and take a little nap.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: This is weird for me, but I guess I'll try it.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, things like that, like, you know, checking in in the morning, in the afternoon, like, what is this?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: What am I trying to say?
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: What am I doing?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, definitely tried to, you know, watch how I presented in front of my kids too.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: But then I finally just told them, like, I'm just not doing well today.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And we would talk about why, because I just don't think it that we need to hold back these emotions and not talk about things or not tell them, like they're gonna, they're trying to navigate the loss of their grandfather too.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to show them like it's okay to like take time for you and to talk about it and to say, like, when you're just not okay, I I don't feel like doing that.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, oh, let's do this.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, I would love to, but I'm really tired today.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go to bed early.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's only 8 30, but I'm gonna go to bed.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I love you guys.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so normal Hillary would say, let's do, do, do for everyone else.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so the last few months, I was like, I'm trying to think about, well, what more what do I want?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: What is my body trying to tell me?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I chose me.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I chose me over a lot of people and a lot of things because I felt that's what I needed during this time.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: But that it's not normal for me.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like normally I don't choose me, to be honest.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm a mom and like I told you, I do so much all the time.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone always says, How do you do it all?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Probably because I don't always choose me.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I choose people, I choose to help a lot, I choose my kids a lot and my family.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: But this time I was like, nope, this is what I need, you know?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know how long I need it.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it's just today, but I'm just this is like a day-by-day thing.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I know they say that in all the books and stuff.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've been through this, you're probably like, yeah, yeah.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I guess I never had been through something this tragic because losing um other family members wasn't as traumatic and emotional as watching someone pass away in front of your eyes.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: So it, you know, I just took time off and I told my um chiropractic office, I was like, I just don't think I'm ready to come back.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And they were so like, you do what you need.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And my patients were very understanding, and some of them I just recently told because they're like, Where were you?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Were you on a trip?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I wish.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, well, we know you like to travel.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, No, I just wasn't ready.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: I said I just wasn't emotionally ready to come back.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that if you're a chiropractor listening or you work with people and you're an empathetic person, having to take on someone else's emotional uh baggage that day or empathy that day when I'm already full.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was it was like the thought of it was like, oh, that's overwhelming to me.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I can't bear anyone else's baggage, if you will, because I will take on like I'm in pain, this and that, my husband's divorcing me.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's too much.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: I just I was like full to the brim.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I could not take any more of anyone's stuff.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I just wanted to be happy.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to like watch funny movies, you know what I mean?
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was tired of crying all day, every day for months.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: It was just too much, you know?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I'm not a huge crier anyway.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: So this was like it was a lot for me.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so like I said, my my team, my my patients, everyone was understanding.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's another great thing to look back and say, like, wow, I have created this wonderful, amazing chiropractic team that supports me that well.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I couldn't have asked for anyone and I else.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I I just is was so blown away by how well they kept everything rolling.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: And they never barely reached out to me at all, except to check on me and ask how I personally was doing.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: So give yourself time, right?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: I know that they say that.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but if you're like me and you're like, yeah, but how much time?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: I even said that to my Ricky practitioner.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, Yeah, but like how much time are we thinking?
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like another week, or I just need to know when I can start scheduling things, you know, and we laugh because I know like that was like ridiculous.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: But in my mind, that's what some people like me at Taipei do.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: We're like, we schedule, we're organized, we go, go, go, go, go.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so it was just like, so I'm not going, so what am I doing?
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just like walking around my house or like I'm watching things.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: I read about a book a day because I'm also a speed reader.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of reading my business books that I normally do, I read stupid like fantasy books about like vampires and fairies and stuff.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually kind of loved it.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And it was funny because like that's something that my dad would have done.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like he would have read those books too.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: So it was very good for me to go through that as part of my grieving process, you know?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I I look and I think about people that maybe don't have the opportunity that I do to take a couple months off of work um and without a pay cut.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, I feel bad because like had I not like process this, I don't want, I didn't want to end up like some people that bottle everything in and then it's so emotional every time it's brought up.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like they didn't work through it and it's 15 years later and they still can't hand handle like the death, or they you know, they still get all worked up when it's around the anniversary of the death of a loved one.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like I needed to, I needed to work through this to make it good for me because I didn't want to be kind of like strangled, if you will, strangled with this the rest of my life.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like I don't want to hold on to that.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to grieve correctly, whatever that is for me, I guess.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to be happy and to do everything and then start back in a routine of like, okay, I'm gonna only work with my coaching clients.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm only gonna do my half hour, hour calls a couple times a week.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna start there.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm only going to do so many events with networking.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do one because I was again still so exhausted.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I did notice the more that I started back with a somewhat of a root routine, because that's who I am.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a routine girl.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: I did feel better.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: It's like my body clicked like, yes, this is good for you.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't know when that was gonna be.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just kind of like let it go intuitively of when it was going to be.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I still can't say I'm back 100% because by four o'clock, sometimes even three, I'm exhausted, like mentally, physically.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: But if I look back, you know, three or four months ago, I wasn't like that.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was still going, I was still doing my social media stuff.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I was making a lot of these podcasts and I took some time off and I was just like, F it, I don't even care.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna take time off and not worry about it.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: But type A person, Hillary, she would have, she would have kept going.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And um so if you are going through this or have gone through this, I know a lot of this is probably sounding familiar to you, um, but I hope that you took the time that you needed and you chose you, like choose what you needed.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I know everyone says there's no right way to grieve or return to work.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And it is true.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I even had a another death in the family uh shortly after that.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, I just don't think I can go to that funeral.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I barely got through the last funeral.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm gonna choose me.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, and I know it's the right thing to go to people's funeral, especially your own family members.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but after such a big traumatic one with my father, I couldn't go to my grandfather's funeral.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I just I'm gonna choose me.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: And if it upsets anyone, then I'm sorry, but I think now's the time.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's a good wake up, is to start choosing you.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_00: Almost like I felt like I'm being selfish, but maybe that's what I need to be for a little bit.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe we all need to be a little bit selfish, if you will, because who else is gonna look after us, you know, if it's us?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like you can only help yourself, control yourself.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: We can't rely on other people around us.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's great to talk to people and have a support system and you know, all these friends and family you can text and talk to.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it really comes down to you, right?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: You we're only responsible for ourselves, and no one else is gonna take as good care of us.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: So um really had to lean into and you know see what I needed.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, this might be a podcast that you're thinking, oh, I hope I never have to like go through that, or I hope it's not for a long time.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope not either.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: But I think a lot of this too could be for other traumatic events too.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, a lot of these emotions can go through with other things.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: So again, hope that this wasn't too much of a downer for everyone.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to be real and I think we should talk about stuff like this, and it's okay to think about it.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm in such a great place right now.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I just hope that anyone that has to go through this has the time to do it and to listen to themselves and you know, just even if it's years later and you're still working on it, like, oh well, choose you.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, choose what you need, do what's best for you.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I guess, like I said, the word selfish, I don't know.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: But feel free to reach out to me.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I do business coaching.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also an um intuitive life coach.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to help anyone, you know, work through some things like this.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, or if you feel this way too, just uh send me a message sometime and let me know if you like this or if it was like too too dark and sad for a day like this.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: But um, anyways, have a great day and until next time.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that you attract a lot of money and a lot of success.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve it.