Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Dealing with Meltdowns - Teens to Toddlers | Ep. 32

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Dealing with Meltdowns - Teens to Toddlers | Ep. 32 · The Parenting Podcast

• 1:02
  Cheryl: Welcome to the parenting podcast listeners.
• 1:05
  Cheryl: We're so glad you're here.
• 1:07
  Cheryl: And it's the three of us.
• 1:08
  Cheryl: Just introduce yourself and Denae
• 1:12
  Danae: and I'm still Ellen.
• 1:15
  Cheryl: I'm Cheryl and we want you all to know just who we are here today.
• 1:21
  Cheryl: And y'all do.
• 1:22
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 1:23
  Ellen: good.
• 1:23
  Ellen: Looking forward to summer coming.
• 1:25
  Ellen: It's starting to warm up and everything.
• 1:27
  Cheryl: So this is our California girl, and I would much rather just stay fall weather or spring weather.
• 1:34
  Ellen: If it's below 60.
• 1:36
  Ellen: I'm like, oh my gosh, bring out the down Jack,
• 1:40
  Cheryl: which you don't even like it blow 75.
• 1:42
  Cheryl: No, I don't good.
• 1:43
  Cheryl: Let's stay 68 and 70 all year long.
• 1:45
  Ellen: We don't even turn our air conditioning on till it goes over 80.
• 1:49
  Danae: And then, so I like the change.
• 1:51
  Danae: I love living in Oklahoma.
• 1:53
  Danae: I am someone who I like change in my life.
• 1:56
  Danae: I guess I get bored easily.
• 1:57
  Danae: So I like all the changing seasons
• 2:00
  Cheryl: does here.
• 2:01
  Cheryl: That's for sure.
• 2:02
  Ellen: So I'm trying to in the same
• 2:03
  Danae: day,
• 2:05
  Cheryl: well, you know, recently we were talking about.
• 2:08
  Cheryl: That false.
• 2:09
  Cheryl: I think you used the word Phantom or the Pinterest perfect fake idea that we have in our parenting and how it rubs us.
• 2:17
  Cheryl: And it grabs our children,
• 2:20
  Danae: yes.
• 2:21
  Cheryl: because we're chasing a Phantom that doesn't exist and it ruins our reality.
• 2:26
  Cheryl: It's a really high standard, high fake standard that.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: Yeah, ruins everything.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: So let me tell one.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: So my son and his family live in Mumbai India.
• 2:37
  Cheryl: And so usually on my Tuesday night, which is their Wednesday morning, I'll zoom and I'll chat with the family, but mostly with the kids.
• 2:45
  Cheryl: I love modern technology, how I can stay in touch with them, you know, let a Foundry
• 2:50
  Danae: team
• 2:52
  Cheryl: so fun.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: And I read books to them and they show me what they're doing it'd be a long distance.
• 2:57
  Cheryl: It's really, it's just great.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: Keeps our relationship and just keeps us in each other's lives to a degree.
• 3:03
  Cheryl: So we were chatting and usually they're eating breakfast to start with.
• 3:08
  Cheryl: And then they moved over to the stuff fast cause I was going to read to them and when they sat on the couch, so we have so.
• 3:16
  Cheryl: Five and three.
• 3:18
  Cheryl: And so the little, one's a boy and the oldest two girls, And when they sat down, Hollis sat in the middle and she put her two arms around the younger ones and pulled them close.
• 3:27
  Cheryl: And my grandmother's heart is just bursting going, oh, that is sweet.
• 3:32
  Cheryl: And she just smiling and they're all cuddling next to each other.
• 3:36
  Cheryl: And, and so then I go to this Phantom of my past.
• 3:42
  Cheryl: My children didn't do this all the time and you know, wow.
• 3:46
  Cheryl: I wish my children had not been so adversarial And instead they loved each other and all of that, but this is not what I had all the time.
• 3:56
  Cheryl: And I'm just telling you, that's the lie, that's the fandom I pursued.
• 4:01
  Cheryl: What did I do wrong?
• 4:02
  Cheryl: Well, that's what I saw that we could be nice to each other.
• 4:05
  Cheryl: And if I parented well and I love them well enough if bill and I love them well enough that they would love each other and have that Polaroid moment.
• 4:13
  Cheryl: Oh.
• 4:14
  Cheryl: As for a whole child.
• 4:16
  Cheryl: No, no, no.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: I'll go make your bed.
• 4:18
  Cheryl: That's okay.
• 4:19
  Cheryl: This is this fake fandom that I had, that was so unrealistic, but here it really is.
• 4:27
  Cheryl: You can actually have it well, by the time I had those thoughts, suddenly they are fighting and pulling.
• 4:35
  Cheryl: Two of them are crying, total meltdown.
• 4:40
  Cheryl: And so my daughter-in-law said, I'm sorry, just a minute.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: And.
• 4:45
  Cheryl: Two of them away.
• 4:46
  Cheryl: And the third one is sitting on the sofa.
• 4:48
  Cheryl: It's crying too, because all of it just, so of
• 4:52
  Danae: course, what someone would probably put on Tik TOK would be the cut version smile earlier,
• 5:01
  Cheryl: but this is the big picture.
• 5:04
  Cheryl: Because we're just, a mess ourselves.
• 5:06
  Cheryl: And then that we would think that we could parent and control life and human beings in a way where it just flows it was a dose for me You know, just realistic parenting and going, oh, that's right.
• 5:22
  Cheryl: So remember, moms embrace and love the part when it is joyful like that.
• 5:29
  Cheryl: I guess give you the determination for when it falls apart.
• 5:33
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 5:33
  Cheryl: And then you have to go and have the conversations and deal with that.
• 5:37
  Danae: Yeah.
• 5:37
  Danae: And what I think is crying and falling apart, children.
• 5:42
  Danae: I mean, that's not fun.
• 5:43
  Danae: That's not a part of parenting.
• 5:46
  Danae: Enjoyed or that anyone enjoys.
• 5:48
  Danae: But if you add on top of that, the fear of what am I doing wrong?
• 5:53
  Danae: I should, you know, that just escalates all the emotions versus, okay.
• 5:59
  Danae: Let's decide what does this one need?
• 6:01
  Danae: We're going to put them to bed or whatever.
• 6:03
  Danae: And so now as a
• 6:04
  Ellen: mom, you're in the corner, because all the things I did wrong, I list,
• 6:12
  Cheryl: right.
• 6:13
  Cheryl: Well, and this actually piggybacks on a question that we had, and I thought it'd be good to talk about today.
• 6:19
  Cheryl: So a mom's and it's a question and don't, we want to encourage everybody to send us questions, please, please do.
• 6:26
  Cheryl: Because what if we're not answering what you want and some
• 6:30
  Ellen: of us forget.
• 6:31
  Ellen: So when you ask questions and we're like, remember
• 6:33
  Danae: that?
• 6:35
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 6:35
  Cheryl: So here's what she wrote.
• 6:36
  Cheryl: She said, I know people talk about toddler tantrums, but I also have teens melting down.
• 6:43
  Cheryl: So could you help me with both of them?
• 6:45
  Ellen: Ooh.
• 6:46
  Ellen: I think the teen ones are so much harder than the toddler ones.
• 6:49
  Ellen: Cause the toddler, you can go get their little child and it's kind of annoying and it's usually happens that it an inappropriate or a hard time.
• 6:57
  Ellen: But when your teenager does it, there's so many emotions involved.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:01
  Cheryl: So why don't we do that then let's look at what it's we're talking about little ones melting down more tantrum.
• 7:07
  Cheryl: And then let's proceed up to the big ones.
• 7:09
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 7:10
  Danae: I, the phrase that comes to my mind are noodle babies.
• 7:15
  Danae: It has what we would call our toddlers that would just go limp.
• 7:20
  Danae: Maybe they're screaming, you know, but they're just, they're whole, like all their muscles just go away and you can't pick them up.
• 7:27
  Danae: They're like slippery.
• 7:29
  Cheryl: So what are the struggles of mom?
• 7:30
  Cheryl: Let's say a young mom and she's listening to her.
• 7:35
  Cheryl: So, what do we see going on here for her and what are her struggles?
• 7:40
  Cheryl: Yeah, it wasn't say the
• 7:41
  Ellen: tantrums don't, you know, always happen when everything's calm and.
• 7:46
  Ellen: All of a sudden your child just drops down and it has a tantrum it's usually you might be in the kitchen making dinner.
• 7:52
  Ellen: There's a whole bunch of things going on.
• 7:54
  Ellen: And then you have a child in the background.
• 7:56
  Ellen: That's had a meltdown cause you don't even know what's going on now.
• 8:00
  Ellen: Sometimes it's, there's a direct correlation.
• 8:02
  Ellen: You've asked them to do something they didn't want to do, but it's always really hard, especially with really little ones to kind of figure out what on earth is happening
• 8:11
  Cheryl: here.
• 8:12
  Cheryl: If what you're saying, cause you've said it before and I like it on some, a quote, you, that parenting doesn't happen in a vacuum.
• 8:18
  Cheryl: No.
• 8:19
  Cheryl: And so we can't just say, oh wait, I have only this time to do this, so we have to engage with it.
• 8:28
  Cheryl: Um, but what we're dealing with little ones are immature little people.
• 8:32
  Danae: Yeah.
• 8:33
  Danae: Um, they understand what's going
• 8:36
  Cheryl: on.
• 8:36
  Cheryl: A lot of it.
• 8:37
  Cheryl: And sometimes it's the top popped off of a top door they're playing or they're scribbling on something and the crayon breaks or the paper tears, and they just are on the floor.
• 8:52
  Cheryl: Melting down or you've said it's time to stop.
• 8:55
  Cheryl: We have to do it.
• 8:56
  Cheryl: And they are, they are just noodling.
• 9:00
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 9:00
  Cheryl: So what is it?
• 9:02
  Cheryl: What's behind that child's breakdown?
• 9:04
  Cheryl: Oh,
• 9:05
  Danae: I think, I think the issue is it could be a lot of different things.
• 9:08
  Danae: You know, you mentioned maybe just some what we would call minor frustrations, toddler frustrations.
• 9:16
  Cheryl: That's I don't have the ability to cope with their overwhelming emotion.
• 9:20
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:20
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 9:21
  Danae: Yeah.
• 9:21
  Danae: Um, I remember as a mom, I'm sure another wise mom shared this with me, you know, to just kind of go through the basics.
• 9:29
  Danae: What are they.
• 9:30
  Danae: Could they possibly be hungry?
• 9:32
  Danae: Have I had it if we had a busy day and I forgot snack time, you know?
• 9:37
  Danae: So just to kind of go through that checklist in my, my mind, like, have they eaten, you know, if they're young enough, do they have a dirty diaper?
• 9:45
  Danae: Maybe if they're, they're still young.
• 9:48
  Danae: Did they miss their nap or something happened during their nap?
• 9:52
  Danae: Just the questions I asked myself, I need a nap.
• 9:59
  Danae: Chop the bar, not to just a few minutes ago.
• 10:01
  Danae: Cause I thought, Ooh, that's when the crankiest happened.
• 10:03
  Danae: When I, when I'm a little hungry,
• 10:06
  Cheryl: you know, is that a responsibility you have?
• 10:09
  Cheryl: I allow this to happen or am I just dealing with really immature?
• 10:14
  Cheryl: You know, and, and I, what I'd like to do is help the overreaction of the mom so that she goes, okay, this is just a little person that can't verbalize what they want.
• 10:26
  Cheryl: They can't explain it, or they've come up against something.
• 10:30
  Cheryl: The blue crayon broke and there's not another whole blue crayon.
• 10:34
  Cheryl: I can't cope with this.
• 10:36
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 10:37
  Cheryl: You know,
• 10:38
  Danae: no sympathy in me to hear you say that, you know, if that, that gives an opportunity for us to sympathize with our children, we may not understand why they're melting down over a broken crayon, but yeah, that's a great time to come beside your child and put your arm around them and say, oh, that must be really
• 10:58
  Cheryl: hard with some of my.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: I wouldn't touch them in tough felt like they wanted me to.
• 11:04
  Cheryl: I might ask, do you want me, you know, I'm still in the throws of this or just sitting there patiently or if there, a negative, like, I don't want to go wash my hands now.
• 11:19
  Cheryl: I didn't mind just, I don't know, but y'all did, y'all do this.
• 11:22
  Cheryl: That's okay.
• 11:22
  Cheryl: Lie on the floor.
• 11:24
  Cheryl: And have your emotions out.
• 11:26
  Cheryl: And then when they're over, come back over and then let's talk about it.
• 11:29
  Cheryl: Or now let's get up, wash your hands, go wash your hands.
• 11:32
  Cheryl: We
• 11:32
  Danae: talk about the stress of parenting.
• 11:35
  Danae: And this is hard.
• 11:37
  Danae: I mean, what if you have to be in an appointment?
• 11:40
  Danae: What if right.
• 11:42
  Danae: You know, and it just, it takes a lot of margin.
• 11:45
  Danae: It takes a lot of time to parent your children to be with your children.
• 11:51
  Ellen: And sometimes you just have to pick them up and put them in the car and move on because you can't in a perfect world.
• 11:58
  Ellen: You would want to take the time to do that, but there's situations you really don't have the time to do it.
• 12:04
  Ellen: And then if most of the time you're working with them, then that's the exception.
• 12:09
  Ellen: You just have to pick them up
• 12:10
  Cheryl: and go.
• 12:11
  Cheryl: This is so good.
• 12:12
  Cheryl: Ellen.
• 12:13
  Cheryl: I like that.
• 12:14
  Cheryl: The idea of don't worry, you'll have plenty of opportunities in the future to deal with it.
• 12:19
  Cheryl: And so you may have to kind of shortcut the long periods.
• 12:25
  Cheryl: But over the long haul, we want to have the conversation.
• 12:28
  Cheryl: So we want to do this, but sometimes you're right.
• 12:30
  Cheryl: I think about the mom particularly has to get to work or other circumstance,
• 12:36
  Ellen: the grocery store.
• 12:37
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 12:37
  Ellen: That's probably the time to take your child out.
• 12:39
  Ellen: And
• 12:40
  Danae: I have a story.
• 12:41
  Danae: So I had someone, it was actually.
• 12:44
  Danae: Pastor's wife who came up to me and she said, oh, I didn't want to stop you in the grocery store because your son was in the cart streaming.
• 12:54
  Danae: Oh, so you didn't want to come up to me the grocery store and embarrassed me and I thought, well, I'm embarrassed now.
• 13:01
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 13:02
  Cheryl: So I don't know about you all, but I would love to.
• 13:06
  Cheryl: Offer all the moms, the opportunity.
• 13:08
  Cheryl: If, if your child is melting down in public, that's the time to pick up a noodle child and take him somewhere else.
• 13:15
  Cheryl: And for several reasons, courtesy for everybody involved.
• 13:19
  Cheryl: But another reason is also if they're old enough, they might get embarrassed of what they're doing or they're just out of control and for their own privacy, remove them from what's going on.
• 13:31
  Cheryl: Uh, for both of those reasons, I would encourage everybody if you're.
• 13:35
  Cheryl: Gently remove your child.
• 13:37
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 13:38
  Ellen: Especially as a courtesy to others, because we've all been in the grocery store with a mom.
• 13:43
  Ellen: Let's the child cry for 10 Isles right in your,
• 13:47
  Danae: I just keep thinking margin, margin, margin, you know, if our lives are so full and you think I only have 30 minutes to get to the store with my three children in tow.
• 13:57
  Danae: And because I've got the big dinner and then woo.
• 14:00
  Danae: I mean, you don't have.
• 14:02
  Danae: The margin, you don't have the emotional capacity.
• 14:05
  Danae: The time to just stop.
• 14:09
  Danae: Yeah, I'm getting to, I'm just going to pick the child up.
• 14:11
  Danae: We're going home and try again later.
• 14:14
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 14:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:16
  Cheryl: We have to be on the control, whether our children aren't and I do, I feel compassion for the moms who have so much pressure on them and they do have a schedule.
• 14:26
  Cheryl: Maybe that's imposed on them.
• 14:28
  Ellen: They don't have the luxury, they just have to do what they have to do, but that is a good point.
• 14:33
  Ellen: Maybe come back another time and try again, if you can.
• 14:36
  Ellen: But most of the time you don't have the time to do that.
• 14:39
  Ellen: I can remember I had a very busy life and we had a lot of external things going on, people at the house, all that kind of stuff, where you just had to get through it and figure out the best way to help your child cope.
• 14:52
  Ellen: And,
• 14:53
  Cheryl: you know, Go back and rethink.
• 14:55
  Cheryl: We're always going to talk to moms about having margin margin and emotional margin so that you can love your children the way you want to.
• 15:05
  Cheryl: Cheryl.
• 15:06
  Danae: I remember several times we would have something planned.
• 15:10
  Danae: Maybe we were getting together a play date with the children or, or doing, you know, having an activity or, meeting for something and you would call and you would say.
• 15:21
  Danae: I needed to spend this time talking with the child.
• 15:25
  Danae: I'm sorry that something came up between my children, with my children.
• 15:29
  Danae: That was so different than anything I'd ever experienced, but it really taught me that.
• 15:36
  Danae: To, to take the time that I need to take with my children, not worrying about being embarrassed about that or, or not meeting someone else's expectations.
• 15:47
  Danae: I know you can't always do that.
• 15:49
  Danae: There are things in our lives that are, have tos.
• 15:52
  Danae: Ellen, you talked about, you know, the word that came to my mind was what are we characterized by?
• 15:58
  Danae: Am I characterized by stopping and listening, going through that mental checklist in my mind, are they hungry, tired, or was it a broken blue on you
• 16:09
  Cheryl: are exactly right.
• 16:10
  Cheryl: Let's put that list together.
• 16:11
  Cheryl: So are hungry and this can be all ages, but particularly young ones.
• 16:15
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:16
  Cheryl: Hungry, tired.
• 16:18
  Cheryl: Um, I see a lot of children overstimulated.
• 16:20
  Cheryl: That's
• 16:21
  Danae: how, I'm glad you brought that up.
• 16:23
  Danae: And we want to even always know why.
• 16:24
  Danae: Right.
• 16:25
  Danae: That's why a lot of times I think it does happen in the grocery stores.
• 16:27
  Danae: Yes.
• 16:29
  Danae: Overstimulated.
• 16:30
  Danae: I get overstimulated.
• 16:31
  Danae: I'm going to share a really quick story.
• 16:33
  Danae: I put on headphones when I go into Walmart, because I get very overstimulated.
• 16:38
  Danae: My kid, we kind of have a joke now.
• 16:39
  Danae: They're like, oh, mom's in Walmart.
• 16:41
  Danae: We're afraid she's going to get lost.
• 16:43
  Danae: If you checked on mom lately, I get really overstimulated by the lights and the noises and all those things I want to buy.
• 16:51
  Danae: So you could go on with the list, but I think overstimulation
• 16:53
  Cheryl: is right.
• 16:55
  Cheryl: We don't know what, just what you're saying.
• 16:58
  Cheryl: And then we have to discern because sometimes a meltdown, particularly younger ones is because they don't want to do what they're asked to do.
• 17:07
  Cheryl: And so it's a confrontation of wills.
• 17:09
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:10
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 17:10
  Cheryl: And I think that's why we have to have that margin emotionally.
• 17:15
  Cheryl: I need to slow down.
• 17:16
  Cheryl: Is this truly.
• 17:18
  Cheryl: They're just little and this is happening and they're immature and it's an emotional, uncontrolled or emotional response, or are they melting down and having a tantrum because they don't want to do my well, they want me to do their well.
• 17:32
  Cheryl: And so just stepping back, asking those questions.
• 17:35
  Cheryl: If you have some margin to do it,
• 17:37
  Danae: but I'm wondering if, even if it is a battle of the wills, if you would go to the checklist, especially the hungry one and maybe, I mean, I spent a lot of time distracting my children, especially when they were young, they were fighting with a sibling or something I would distract.
• 17:55
  Danae: And so I'd be like, Hey, can we get a juice box?
• 17:58
  Danae: You know, or can we get a, a fruit snack or something and they perk up and yeah.
• 18:03
  Danae: You know, because there's plenty of times where the battle of the wills needs, you know, that's, that's where you're going to be.
• 18:10
  Danae: And it's going to end on, you know, obedience or disobedience.
• 18:13
  Danae: But, but I think let's, let's try to encourage just that's doing this the easiest way we can, the best way we can give them the juice box and then ask them maybe to go put up their toys and see what happens this time.
• 18:27
  Does
• 18:27
  Cheryl: that make sense?
• 18:28
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 18:29
  Danae: Well,.
• 18:29
  Ellen: Um, having, you know, having five children and they're all different.
• 18:33
  Ellen: I would say my first three just rarely had temper tantrums.
• 18:37
  Ellen: I can't remember that even being an issue, but then, you know, some of the children after that were more.
• 18:44
  Ellen: To have temper tantrums, which was really shocking because we hadn't had an issue
• 18:49
  Cheryl: with it again, with this fake parenting ideal that we had.
• 18:54
  Cheryl: You really knew how to raise children without I thought
• 18:57
  Danae: that you thought I was all about you.
• 19:00
  Danae: I look at all
• 19:00
  Cheryl: the checks, all the boxes selling.
• 19:03
  Cheryl: You've got it.
• 19:04
  Ellen: If I would say, go do that.
• 19:05
  Ellen: Oh yeah, mom, I would, you know, You know, uh, we had some non-compliant children, so that was kind of a surprise and it was nothing bad about the child.
• 19:15
  Ellen: It just was, they were different personality.
• 19:18
  Ellen: And we just happened for the first three, not to have those issues.
• 19:21
  Ellen: So that was really surprising having to learn to deal with serious
• 19:26
  Cheryl: temperatures.
• 19:28
  Cheryl: Well, and I liked, cause she said they weren't bad because see, we kind of say, oh, these are doing what I'm on.
• 19:36
  Cheryl: These are my good children.
• 19:37
  Cheryl: Whether we ever have those words come out of our mouth, this is just the natural way.
• 19:41
  Cheryl: We see things when they doubt cause
• 19:43
  Danae: problems.
• 19:43
  Danae: They're there,
• 19:44
  Cheryl: the good children, the causes, the problem, the tornado child.
• 19:48
  Cheryl: I was aware of it to a degree then, but as I've matured and learned so much more.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: I realize at least I knew what that expressive felt and they were maybe not in a mature best way, but they were letting me know I'm unhappy, I'm distressed.
• 20:07
  Cheryl: I need help.
• 20:09
  Cheryl: I need help.
• 20:10
  Cheryl: And the other ones being the really nice compliant ones.
• 20:15
  Cheryl: It all just went deep and I didn't know.
• 20:17
  Cheryl: And I didn't realize, I need to understand that they've got storms brewing inside of a different nature and it's harder to get to them.
• 20:27
  Danae: You've seen that as they've gotten older than, yes.
• 20:30
  Danae: We've talked about
• 20:31
  Cheryl (2): it now because I'm more mature.
• 20:33
  Cheryl (2): I didn't realize.
• 20:35
  Cheryl (2): Um, the danger of that closing off.
• 20:38
  Cheryl (2): Well, for me personally, the same thing, I didn't allow myself to embrace my negative attitudes.
• 20:48
  Cheryl (2): And so I squelched them and it wasn't good.
• 20:50
  Cheryl (2): And as I've gotten more emotionally healthy and self-aware, um, I've really.
• 20:57
  Cheryl (2): No, I, you're not supposed to only have good emotions.
• 21:01
  Cheryl (2): It's a healthy, balanced understand my negative motions and why, and
• 21:05
  Cheryl: process
• 21:06
  Cheryl (2): them.
• 21:07
  Cheryl (2): And.
• 21:08
  Cheryl (2): No gross thing, but how doctors sometimes will pop something that's festering under the skin and cut into it and get it out that, that at least your tornado, but it sure is.
• 21:20
  Cheryl (2): Yeah.
• 21:21
  Cheryl (2): But you're getting it out where it can heal and when it's covered up, it can always heal and it festers in
• 21:27
  Danae: there.
• 21:28
  Danae: So I've been doing.
• 21:29
  Danae: Some work with teenagers on growth mindset.
• 21:34
  Danae: And I actually have a pillow it's called the emotion wheel pillow.
• 21:38
  Danae: You could also just, you can also just find the emotion wheel on a lot of different places.
• 21:42
  Danae: You can Google it.
• 21:43
  Danae: Um, but we spend a lot of time talking about emotions and a lot of us.
• 21:50
  Danae: Aren't trained in that we are chain more like put a smile on act like everything's okay.
• 21:56
  Danae: And especially in those teenage years, you know, it kind of starts, you start back into the meltdowns because you're, you don't have words for how you're feeling.
• 22:07
  Danae: And so it's amazing how many words there are for emotions.
• 22:09
  Danae: You know, we say sad when really someone's feeling anguish.
• 22:14
  Danae: That's very different.
• 22:15
  Danae: If your child could come to you and say, I have.
• 22:19
  Danae: Anguish about this matter.
• 22:20
  Danae: I mean, I'm going to sit up a little taller and have my ears open more.
• 22:24
  Danae: And so that's an encouragement.
• 22:26
  Danae: I do it now.
• 22:27
  Danae: We have emotion pill at my house.
• 22:29
  Danae: And so my grandkids and I talk about that.
• 22:32
  Danae: And, and so about the meltdowns, that would be something with those, those teenagers.
• 22:37
  Danae: Now you can talk to them a little bit more than.
• 22:41
  Danae: Your toddler's trying to
• 22:43
  Cheryl: help and give them that space.
• 22:44
  Cheryl: That's one of the reasons, you know, we talk all the time about relationship and not cutting off the conversation.
• 22:50
  Cheryl: So they feel safe to begin.
• 22:53
  Cheryl: Talking, you know, and, and generally you have to wait to, the emotional was going to say,
• 22:57
  Ellen: they may not want to do it right away.
• 22:59
  Ellen: And maybe three hours later, or three days later when they really want to explain.
• 23:04
  Ellen: And sometimes they don't know.
• 23:05
  Ellen: Right.
• 23:05
  Ellen: But that's a hard thing.
• 23:06
  Ellen: I think when you're a teenager too, you don't always know why you reacted so ferociously to something That's something we can do to help them as parents.
• 23:15
  Ellen: And I wish I had done that more with my teens was helped them to be more introspective.
• 23:20
  Ellen: Why did that bother you?
• 23:21
  Ellen: Not in the moment, but later on to go, did you get your feelings hurt?
• 23:26
  Ellen: Because it took me well into adulthood to realize the reason I would get angry.
• 23:31
  Ellen: Just because I actually got my feelings hurt and that was a legitimate thing.
• 23:35
  Ellen: I was taught as a child.
• 23:36
  Ellen: It's okay.
• 23:36
  Ellen: To be angry, but you can't have hurt
• 23:38
  Cheryl: feelings and mine was the opposite.
• 23:42
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:42
  Cheryl: And it's okay to have your feelings hurt, but not to be angry.
• 23:45
  Cheryl: Right.
• 23:46
  Cheryl: And how healthy would be.
• 23:47
  Cheryl: I love this.
• 23:49
  Cheryl: There's actually a study that says teen boys, it takes them from seven to nine hours to even recognize an emotion.
• 23:58
  Cheryl: They have to process it to get that point.
• 24:01
  Cheryl: So we're talking about particularly young teens.
• 24:04
  Cheryl: Think about that.
• 24:05
  Cheryl: Think of the struggle.
• 24:06
  Cheryl: There are a lot of struggles with our teens and a teen 13, 14 year old boy, and has a lot to struggle with, but imagine all that volcano of all the hormones and everything that's going on and he needs seven or more hours to process to realize he's even had an emotion.
• 24:26
  Cheryl: And I love this again, slowing down, calling you back revisiting, and just the compassion that you mentioned earlier.
• 24:36
  Ellen: George, it's something that I wish I would have started with my other kids.
• 24:38
  Ellen: I didn't think of it.
• 24:40
  Ellen: The fourth child.
• 24:41
  Ellen: Um, I started a notebook.
• 24:44
  Ellen: With him.
• 24:45
  Ellen: And, um, we would write back and forth to each other in the notebook and it would be like, you know, I felt angry mom, when you did this.
• 24:55
  Ellen: And I would say, well, I felt angry when you did this.
• 24:58
  Ellen: Or I really liked it didn't have to be negative, but it was especially for boys.
• 25:02
  Ellen: I think it's, uh, it's really hard for young boys to communicate as Cheryl was saying.
• 25:08
  Ellen: And that was a really positive.
• 25:10
  Ellen: And w we just leave the notebook on the bed.
• 25:12
  Ellen: Like I put it on his bed, then he'd answer.
• 25:15
  Ellen: And there was no pressure.
• 25:16
  Ellen: You didn't, you know, if you wanted to answer, you could.
• 25:18
  Ellen: And eventually the notebook would be on my bed and we were able to kind of communicate to each other, whereas words at that point might've been too volatile or too painful, and they got in the way.
• 25:31
  Cheryl: They haven't even processed enough.
• 25:33
  Cheryl: correct.
• 25:34
  Cheryl: I mean, I'm trying to be self aware of my emotions and it takes me sometimes what you're talking about, naming the emotions.
• 25:40
  Cheryl: It takes me a long time and I'm not a 13, 14 year old.
• 25:43
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:44
  Cheryl: What
• 25:44
  Danae: I'm going to say.
• 25:45
  Danae: Um, I, I hear what you're saying about boys, but one of my daughters.
• 25:49
  Danae: It's very, very similar.
• 25:51
  Danae: So I think it's also a personality thing.
• 25:53
  Danae: And what we did starting about 15 was we read text, you know, cause that's what she's able, that's kind of her vehicle, you know, of talking and sometimes it's just emojis.
• 26:04
  Danae: Yeah.
• 26:05
  Danae: You know?
• 26:05
  Danae: And so it's just having that connection with them in that.
• 26:11
  Danae: Yeah.
• 26:11
  Danae: You know, where they will feel connected and can explore the emotions
• 26:15
  Cheryl: because you've become a safe place.
• 26:18
  Cheryl: Both of those you've become that safe place.
• 26:20
  Cheryl: I think that's top tier that we need to have with our teenagers is we need to be the safe place where they can say, I am so mad about this, or you are wrong that we can allow them.
• 26:33
  Cheryl: some Latitude to express their emotions.
• 26:35
  Cheryl: There have to be boundaries, but to be the safe pace, instead of coming now, remember to teach them instead, let them vent and talk about it and slowly have a chance to address it.
• 26:48
  Danae: Yeah.
• 26:48
  Danae: And I would say, I just want to highlight that, within reason, just to encourage all of you moms, that respect still needs to be.
• 26:58
  Danae: Part of that relationship.
• 27:00
  Danae: So yes, let your children explore their emotions, talk about their emotions, but I think you can draw a line and not letting your children, they may be melting down, but that doesn't mean they can yell at you or be disrespectful to you.
• 27:16
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 27:16
  Cheryl: That's why we have to say within boundaries right.
• 27:19
  Danae: So like, uh, you had us think of the list that we need the checklist for the toddlers.
• 27:25
  Danae: What do you think the short list that we'd be going through in our minds as parents?
• 27:29
  Danae: with Our young or teens boys,
• 27:32
  Cheryl: Um, I would say.
• 27:34
  Cheryl: Do you want to go ride your bike or go do some basketball?
• 27:37
  Cheryl: I feel with boys in particular, getting out and doing something physical, walking the dog or whatever they're into.
• 27:45
  Cheryl: If they're in tune skateboarding, just go Vince, some physical things and they would usually come back with.
• 27:52
  Cheryl: Different
• 27:52
  Danae: person that's reminded me of me giving my toddler the juice box.
• 27:56
  Danae: Right?
• 27:56
  Danae: Yeah.
• 27:56
  Danae: Kind of a distraction.
• 27:58
  Danae: A way to help them settle
• 27:59
  Cheryl: down and something about the physical yes.
• 28:02
  Ellen: Processing really anger and frustration, especially for boys.
• 28:05
  Ellen: I think that is a good point.
• 28:07
  Danae: yes.
• 28:07
  Danae: yes.
• 28:08
  Cheryl: Really Andy we're.
• 28:09
  Cheryl: So.
• 28:10
  Cheryl: You know, kind of trying to figure it out.
• 28:13
  Cheryl: Is this just part of what's going on in their life or can you see that it's happening in one area and something is suddenly different.
• 28:21
  Cheryl: Like we were talking about some of your children more, uh, even, even keeled and so forth, suddenly something there's a really unusual response that you haven't had before.
• 28:35
  Cheryl: Um, To say, is there, is this something new?
• 28:38
  Cheryl: Is there something red flag, that they're in a new circumstance, or maybe they've moved from one school to another school or been put up or down or moved or whatever it is, or a friend moved away.
• 28:50
  Cheryl: Just is there some new facts and they
• 28:52
  Ellen: may not even know.
• 28:53
  Ellen: And that's where you can help them to go, oh, are you feeling bad about this?
• 28:58
  Ellen: But also on the flip side too, especially maybe with teens, not dwelling too long on feelings and getting stuck and staying.
• 29:07
  Ellen: You know, starting from young age, helping your child to learn.
• 29:10
  Ellen: Okay.
• 29:11
  Ellen: I'm glad that you said all that.
• 29:12
  Ellen: I'm glad, you know how you feel now, let's go back to what we were doing.
• 29:16
  Ellen: Go set the table or go, whatever, go finish your homework or whatever, cause I've watched some parents where they will stay with that child in that emotion for two or three hours.
• 29:29
  Danae: Yeah.
• 29:29
  Danae: It really is what we model to our children, you know, as we were coming emotionally healthy and, and not melting down ourselves.
• 29:36
  Danae: Right, right.
• 29:38
  Danae: I did want to mention before we go, just as I'm going into the middle.
• 29:42
  Danae: Profession that in any of these circumstances, whether it's a young child, who's having tantrums that just seem really out of control.
• 29:52
  Danae: You're not sure how to, you know, over a period of time, how to help in that, to see your pediatrician.
• 29:58
  Danae: And then what's your teens thinking about so many struggles that, that teens have that if you feel really stuck is to seek a therapist.
• 30:07
  Danae: Yeah.
• 30:08
  Danae: Yeah.
• 30:08
  Cheryl: That's really good.
• 30:09
  Cheryl: So we encourage you moms, reach out.
• 30:13
  Cheryl: Don't stay there.
• 30:14
  Cheryl: If you feel like you need something.
• 30:16
  Cheryl: A family doctor might be a beginning place to start, and then there are good therapist to help you maybe say, oh, don't worry.
• 30:25
  Cheryl: This is normal.
• 30:27
  Cheryl: And that's the thing.
• 30:27
  Cheryl: Just like a blood test.
• 30:29
  Cheryl: You're within the range.
• 30:31
  Cheryl: So just keep on doing what you're doing.
• 30:33
  Cheryl: Keep loving.
• 30:34
  Cheryl: Yes, there we go.
• 30:36
  Cheryl: We've run out of time again thank you for being here today.
• 30:39
  Cheryl: Again, send us your questions moms any way you can get them to us and Remember hang in there.
• 30:45
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it is worth it.