Latest / The Family Teams Podcast / Ep. 193 | How to Deal with a Boy Calling your Daughter Names

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Ep. 193 | How to Deal with a Boy Calling your Daughter Names · The Family Teams Podcast

• 0:00
  What you're doing is really disrespectful to my daughter, and your job is to be a protector. Hey guys, welcome to the 5-Minute Fatherhood Podcast. I'm your co-host, Jeff Bethke, along with my friend and mentor, Jeremy Pryor. Join us Monday through Friday as we chat about quick tips, skills, and ways to help equip you on your journey as a father to build your multi-generational family team on mission. Stay tuned.
• 0:32
  What's up guys, Jeff and Jeremy here. Another episode of five minute father. This one comes from our Facebook group. If you're not in the five minute fatherhood Facebook group, I believe there's a link in the YouTube video below or the audio podcast below. Um, I think we have over a thousand fathers in there just sharpening each other, asking questions. And one of these was a good one. And it was a father who kind of, um, uh, had to deal with a tough problem, uh, and totally understand where he basically said, how do you deal with a boy calling your daughter names? I think in this instance, it was actually him, the boy calling his daughter, a B word. So it's very serious. Um,
• 0:59
  And he said, you can't just beat in his head because you could go to jail because he is underage, which that is true. And I'm very glad you didn't do that. But this is – but I think this is a larger question, Jeremy, and I love this question. Yeah.
• 1:13
  essentially when kind of like, when do you know when to step in? When do you know not when to step in? What do you do, especially as a father to a daughter when there's kind of a disrespect or something thrown towards her age, different levels, appropriate, different levels, them kind of, you know, being able to handle it, not handle it. There's a lot of different layers here, but I think in general, let's say, let's consider maybe the option or this, this situation. That's a little bit more like serious enough where obviously I think a parent needs to, if a parent sees that parent needs to say something. Yeah.
• 1:38
  Um, now I'd love to hear your thoughts, Jeremy, but my thoughts are, yeah, I will say I don't like, and I'm naturally repelled by the classic, like dad with a gun when you're dating that type of thing. I really don't like that. Um, that image. Right. And I don't like that, that, uh, that vision of a father. That's kind of the classic American dad, you know, that it's kind of like a joke at this point, right? If you want to come over and date my daughter, then there's like a gun in the, you know, and that scene from bad boys, I think with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence.
• 2:06
  But I think there's a sliver of truth there of we are in charge of provision and protection for all of our children. And we are the front gate. We are the gatekeepers. That's really important. But I think that has to be coupled with like, what does it mean to be a father in the kingdom, right? And the father of the kingdom is a father who is like, it's Jesus, right? Who is completely firm.
• 2:32
  who wasn't just some flimsy hippie, but actually talked about hell and judgment more than anywhere else in the scriptures, which I always find fascinating when people want to talk about Jesus and his love, which is so true, but he actually literally proportionally talked about hell and judgment more than anyone else in the scriptures. So he has that true about him.
• 2:47
  yet he looks in people's eyes and says, Hey, you're forgiven. You're new. That's not who you are, right? You're loved. There's, there's grace. And that's broken in this moment of what you deserve. But what I did, what I gave you instead was a gift and a blessing. So I think holding those two as the father, uh, is really important. And that's a hard, hard thing to do unless you're being very spirit led in that moment. But I think that's really important. That's just the first thing I would say. I don't know. How would you kind of answer this or talk about this?
• 3:13
  Yeah, I think the three options that generally you see is, on one hand, if some boy is attacking, let's say, your 13-year-old daughter, right, just calling her names, verbally abusive. On one hand, there's sort of a cultural thing, you know, trope that, Jeff, you were describing of, like, go beat him up or something, right, sort of an old-school version. There's another one that's really growing in our culture, which is, hey, just let your daughter grow up. This is the world. She's got to have the emotional health to deal with.
• 3:42
  you know, boys and girls and, you know, other problems and stay out of it totally. And there's really a third option. And this is what was so fun in the Facebook group, because this guy, Stephen, jumped in and said, hey, my 13 year old daughter was being, you know, really verbally abused by a boy in a sports context. And he said, I just walked up to the boy and I didn't beat him up. I didn't threaten him. I just said, hey, I just want you to know, like, you know, what you're doing is really disrespectful to my daughter.
• 4:09
  and your job is to be a protector. Like he called this boy's identity over him and said, that's your job is to protect these girls. And he said the boy was super freaked out and just lots of yes sirs, yes sir, yes sir, which is awesome. And man, our Facebook group, when Stephen shared this, just blew up with likes over this comment because it's like he just absolutely nailed it. Yeah, he did that tension perfectly. Yeah.
• 4:35
  Yeah, like this idea that our culture is saying that basically, look, women are just like men. They should be out there unprotected from the predators that are out there, and they have to figure out how to deal with that themselves, and fathers have no role at all. Like that is not true either, right? It's not our job to necessarily run around with a shotgun, but it's also not our job to watch other men or boys bully and hurt our daughters. It's odd that we can't step in and at least—
• 5:04
  demonstrate to these boys that this is our daughter, right? And when you hurt my daughter like this repeatedly, you're going to have to deal with me. It doesn't mean you're going to deal with me as like an angry jerk who's coming after you.
• 5:20
  You have to deal with me that, like, look, she's a treasure to me, and I expect you as a fellow male to man up and protect my daughter the way that women should be protected. And so what's odd in our culture, you guys, is that a lot of times our daughters are in context where there is no way for the father to even be a part of that conversation as boys are coming and doing this with their daughters—
• 5:45
  And so what I think is important, what Steven did in this case is, just sort of weighed in a very culturally appropriate way. At a practice, hey, can I talk to you for a minute? Man, that'll change everything. The minute a boy sees that a man is protecting this girl,
• 6:02
  then they're off limits. And hopefully you're not just saying, don't mess with my daughter, but doing what Stephen did and calling this boy up to being more of a real man, which is like, love the girls in your life and protect them and don't treat them like a predator would. But yeah, any other last thoughts, Jeff?
• 6:20
  No, I love that. I think that's good. And Stephen literally basically applied exactly what I was saying in the beginning of that tension, right? And I think there's something, too, about even like boys usually who are acting like that. There's probably so many different layers of shame, abandonment, and so many things. You don't tend to get to that place unless there's some type of anger, resentment, or bitterness, or some type of something in the heart. And I think like he did, and that's why the boy finished with a lot of yes sirs, there's something about the minute a male or an adult figure kind of actually like almost has this subtle...
• 6:46
  subtle tone of like, I believe in you actually, but like, and I don't, and that's why you can't do that. Uh, it kind of, whoa, wakes him up and calls him to a kind of higher standard. And I think that is the exact, what Jesus did is that he kind of like, he actually believed in us more than we did at some level. And it kind of calls you up in grace into this really special place. So yeah, I love that one.
• 7:06
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