Latest / Back Porch Confessions / Part 4 of 4: The Next Fifty Years are Mine!
Transcript
- Gravesb41: Sometimes my soul is just tired, tired of being strong, tired of carrying the heaviness, tired of fighting battles nobody else can see. And maybe you know that kind of tired too. The kind of tired that doesn't come from sleep, the kind of tired that settles deep in your heart, your mind and your spirit, the kind that comes from surviving, enduring, holding it all together and still showing up when your life had tried to take everything out of you. But here's the truth. Being tired does not mean you are weak, it does not mean you are broken, and it does not mean your story is over. At Renewed Mind we talk about the hard things, the hidden heaviness, the silent battles, the trauma, the grief, the healing, and the fight to keep going when your soul feels weary. This is the place where strong people can finally tell the truth, where healing gets honest, where pain is spoken out loud. And where the ones who have spent their whole lives pouring into others can find a space to breathe, be seen, and remember they are worth the battle too because sometimes the healer needs healing. Sometimes the strong ones need somewhere soft to land, and sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is admit you're tired and keep choosing to heal anyway. This is renewed mind, real talk, real pain, real healing. One honest conversation at a time. Y'all, let me tell you about one of my favorite little gyms back home in Robinson, Illinois. If you're looking for boutique style that feels good, fits right, and doesn't break the bank, you have to stop by Polished Boutique, owned by my sweet friend, Mindy, and her two friends, Jennifer and Valerie. And it's ran with heart, y'all. Polished is one of those places where you're not just shopping, you're family. From on-trend outfits, cozy everyday staples, statement accessories, and deals that make your wallet smile, Polished has something for every woman, every season of life. So if you're anywhere near Robinson, Illinois, go see Mindy and her girls at Polished Boutique. Tell them Back porch confession sent you. And don't be surprised if you leave feeling a little more confident than when you walked in. Polished Boutique, where style meets heart. Welcome to Back Porch Confessions, where the sweet tea is strong, the stories are stronger, and no topic is too taboo for the porch. Grab a seat, kick off your shoes, and let's get into the kind of conversation your mama warned you about, but you listen anyway. Back Porch Confessions: Hey everybody, how are you? I know I've skipped again. life gets a little chaotic for me sometimes. sometimes I don't feel good. Sometimes this or that happens, but here I am. I am going to go into part four. And this is the final episode. I think that there should not be any more episodes or bonuses that go with this, but we'll see, yet to be told as I get recording this. But anyway. This particular one is the next fifty years belong to me. And I don't know. I I'm still in awe that the fact that we made it to the final fourth hour of all of this ish, hour-ish. it's been longer than that, but you guys have been graceful and then have enjoyed it. so I appreciate that. So if you've been with me from the beginning, I just want to stop for a moment and say thank you. thank you for trusting me. Thank you for allowing me to walk beside you. Thank you for being brave enough to have conversations that so many people spend a lifetime avoiding. over the last three parts, we've looked back. we've looked about the little child who wondered if they were enough. We've not looked, but we've talked about it. we've talked about anger and discovered that anger wasn't our enemy, it was our protector. We've mourned the parent we needed but didn't always receive. We've comforted the younger version of ourselves and promised that we would never abandon that child again. Those conversations, they mattered. They're necessary. Because we cannot heal what we refuse to acknowledge. There has to be awareness. You have to have an understanding. There comes a point where healing gently whispers, now it's time to live. Not just cope, not just survive, not just make it through another day. It's time to begin living. And for some of us, that might be one of the hardest things we've ever learned to do, was just to learn to live. For us. Survival was never meant to become your identity. For years I didn't realize that survival had become my identity. I wasn't just going through things. I wasn't just surviving those difficult memories. I was surviving triggers. I was surviving trauma responses. I was surviving PTSD moments. I was surviving an ordinary Tuesday. I was surviving simple. Quiet mornings, family dinners, even some phone calls that I didn't want to be on. I was surviving pushing through compliments that I didn't know how to receive. Everything felt like something I had to get through. Maybe you felt that way. Maybe you wake up already tired. Not because you didn't sleep. Because your nervous system never truly rested. You spend your day anticipating problems that haven't happened yet. You replay conversations. You overanalyze facial expressions. I'm good at that. You worry about. Disappointing people. You prepare yourself for rejection before anyone has ever rejected you. And at the end of the day, you're so exhausted from always being prepared for the worst. Not just because life was unusually difficult, because your body has been standing guard all this time. It stands guard every day. That's what survival feels like. It's a It's living a tough life. Life over and over again. And you're stuck in it. It's living as though danger is always just around the corner. But here's what I've learned in all of this. Survival may have helped me stay alive. But survival was never meant to become the place where we spend the rest of our lives. It's not where I'm meant to spend the rest of my life. There's a difference between surviving and living. What does living actually look like? That's a question I've asked myself many times over, every time I have to start over, what does living look like for me now? Because if you spent decades surviving, living can feel very unfamiliar. So what does living actually look like? Living looks like drinking your coffee while it's still hot. How many of you go and reheat your coffee? It's it's because you're no longer rushing to solve everyone else's problems and you have time to enjoy your coffee. Living looks like laughing without immediately wondering if something bad is about to happen or if it's inappropriate. Living looks like answering the phone without your stomach dropping. It looks like saying no, because that's a full sentence, without rehearsing an apology afterward. No, I'm sorry, I wish I could, but stop that. Living looks like sitting on your back porch, watching the sun come up, and realizing I'm safe enough to enjoy this moment. Thinking about how revolutionary that is is is overwhelmingly joyful in my heart. To actually enjoy life. Not everything is perfect, not after everyone changes, not after every relationship is healed, but living right now, in the now, that moment right now is beautiful. Because joy isn't something we earn. Joy is something we allow ourselves to experience. How often do you allow yourself to experience, actually experience, joy? You know, sometimes and a lot of us were taught that choosing yourself was selfish, right? Sometimes there's many different ways we're taught that. Sometimes we're taught that because we watched our parent be selfish or we watched a spouse be selfish and self-centered. And how much that hurt. Because you were never chosen. They were always first. You never mattered. They were always first. You were never categorized as being a priority in their life. So choosing yourself seems oddly unfamiliar. It seems somehow wrong. But it's not. I hear the phrase all the time, choose yourself. Many times in my life I've stopped. I've stopped myself because so many people in my life have chosen themselves over me, which led to abandonment and rejection, devaluation. So when you hear that, what does that really mean? What does it mean to choose yourself? Does it mean become selfish? No. It really doesn't. Does it mean ignoring everyone else's needs? No. It doesn't. Does it mean becoming hard hearted? Absolutely not. I would never ask you to do that. Choosing yourself simply means you stop abandoning yourself to keep everyone else comfortable. How many of you do that? I'm gonna say it again. Choosing yourself means you stop abandoning yourself to keep everyone else comfortable. Stop it. Think about your life. How many times have you said yes when everything inside of you wanted to say no? How many times have you stayed silent because speaking up? might upset someone. How many times have you ignored your own exhaustion because you didn't want anyone to think you were lazy? How many times have you put everyone else's happiness ahead of your own? Ahead of your own emotional well being, ahead of your own needs. I know I have, and for years. Not I naively called it love. I called that love, and you do too. Now I definitely call it something different. I call it self abandonment. Healthy love never requires you to disappear. Nope. Healthy love makes room for both people. It allows honesty, it allows boundaries, it allows needs, it allows rest. That's what healthy love is. And that little girl inside of you or boy, you're watching. Remember that the little child in you we've been talking about this whole time. The one who's wondered if they were enough, the one who's waited for someone to notice them, the one who's carried anger because they didn't know what else to do. They're still watching every day. Not because they feel trapped in the past, some are, but because they're waiting to see what kind of adult you become. They're watching when someone criticizes you, watching when someone disappoints you, watching when you're exhausted. Watching when you're tempted to settle for less than you deserve? And they're asking one question. Will you protect me this time? Think about that. Not will someone else protect me, but will you? Healing is answering that question with our choices. Every healthy boundary says yes. Every act of self respect says yes. Every time we leave an unhealthy relationship, toxicity, every time we tell our truth, every time we speak kind to ourselves, we're telling that younger version of ourselves, I've got you. That is such an amazing feeling. I've got you. There's a cost to always being strong. I wanna know how many of you feel like you have to be strong all the time. Can I be honest for a minute? I sometimes get tired of being the strong one. I get tired. Maybe you know what I mean. You're the one everyone calls, the one everyone leans on, the one everyone expects to keep it together. You're the helper, the fixer, the encourager, the peacemaker. And somewhere along the way, you stopped asking yourself. Am I okay? Can I handle this? You just do it anyway. Somewhere along the line, you stopped asking for any kind of help for yourself. Because strong people aren't supposed to need anything, right? So I want to try and lovingly challenge you on that belief. Strength isn't pretending you don't have needs. Strength is having the courage to admit that you do. I'm gonna say that again. Strength isn't pretending you don't have needs. Strength is having the courage to admit you do. Strength is saying, I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I'm hurting. I need support. I can't carry this alone anymore. That isn't weakness, everybody. That's honesty. And honesty is the birthplace of your healing. One of the most fascinating things I've learned is that healing isn't just about changing your thoughts. It's about giving your nervous system new experiences. Your nervous system has spent years believing the world isn't safe. That black cloud is over your head. It has to experience safety repeatedly before it begins to believe it. That's why little moments actually matter. Sitting quietly with your morning coffee, having quiet time with yourself, taking a walk without rushing to do it, reading a book because you enjoy it. Watching a sunset, watching a sunrise, laughing with friends. Holding your dog, holding your grandbaby, listening to birds sing. All those moments may seem small, weeding your garden, watering your lawn, water mowing your lawn, whatever it is that you find peace in. They may seem like small moments, but they're not. They're not small moments. Every peaceful experience gently teaches your nervous system that you're okay. We're okay. That we don't have to be always on high alert. We don't have to scan for danger every second of every day. Healing happens in those ordinary moments that you allow yourself to see and feel. Not because they're big dramatic moments, but because they're consistent. Your nervous system needs consistency. Wanna ask you something? If fear wasn't making your decisions, what would your life look like? Would you finally take that trip? Would you start that business? Would you finish that book you tried to start writing? Did you go back to school? Stop yourself 'cause you think you're too old. You're not. Go back to school. Would you re re would you sorry, tripping over my own tongue. Would you maybe leave a relationship that's draining you? And that could be any ship that you can be on. It doesn't have to be a a partnership. Would you finally leave the one that's toxic and leaving and draining your energy? If fear wasn't leading you? Would you forgive yourself? Would you finally believe you deserve happiness? Think about that. How much of your life has been shaped by fear? and how much could be shaped by freedom. That's pretty strong. I wanted you to sit in that for a minute. How much could be shaped by freedom? if you stepped on the other side of fear. For years I stayed in fear. For years I didn't think I would succeed at anything. I thought success meant achieving more. I didn't know how much more I could do. Doing more, working harder, proving more of myself. Now Success means something completely different to me. Success is actually waking up with peace in my heart. Success is laughing easily. It's sleeping through the night. It's having relationships where I don't have to perform. I'm just me. Weird, quirky, funny, smart mouthed, foul mouthed. Nurturing me. Success is speaking kindly to myself. It's protecting my peace. Success is living a life I no longer need to escape from. Maybe that's what has always been. That's what success has really always been. And I just didn't see it. Because let's be real. The world don't teach you that that's what success is. It's not impressing the world. It's coming home to yourself. That's success. I I want you to hold on to one thought. You've survived enough, right? You don't have to spend the rest of your life proving how strong you are. Maybe real strength looks like something different. Maybe real strength actually just looks like joy. Peace, boundaries. Maybe it looks like rest. Maybe it just looks like believing. Maybe it looks like believing the next fifty years belong to you. I I think when I go further into this, I'm gonna talk about something that actually changes every relationship we have. We're gonna learn the difference between surviving love and actually experiencing healthy love. Because healthy love never asks you to disappear to keep someone else comfortable. Right? Healthy love doesn't require you to abandon yourself. How many of you have abandoned yourself in relationships just to keep someone happy? Whatever ship that is? How many years have you spent trying to become a version of yourself that you thought everyone else wanted? Really think about that. How many years have you spent trying to become the version of yourself that you thought everyone else wanted? How many years did you spend trying to be easier, quieter, more agreeable, less emotional, more helpful, less dramatic, more available, forgiving, understanding, patient, more everything except yourself? I know I did. I still do from time to time. I still work on it. For years I believed that if I could just become everything everyone else needed, then maybe I'd finally feel loved. Maybe I'd finally feel accepted. Maybe I'd finally feel enough. Somewhere along the way, he went. I disappeared a few times in my life. Not overnight, not all at once. Little by little. Every time I ignored my own needs, every time I swallowed my own words, every time I stayed in places that were hurting me because I was afraid of disappointing someone, the fear of what's on the other side. Every time I apologized for having feelings. Or I convinced myself that peace meant keeping everyone else happy. That isn't peace. That's survival. And survival often disguises itself as love. So is it love or is it survival? So I'm gonna ask another question. When you think about your closest relationships, are they built on love or are they built on survival? That may sound like a strange question, but stay with me. Love says I can be myself here. Survival says I have to be careful. Love says I can disagree without losing this relationship. Survival says if I speak honestly, they'll leave. Love says my needs, all my needs matter. They matter too. But survival says my needs become a burden for the people around me. Hmm. Love says I don't always have to earn my place. Survival says I better keep proving my worth. How many of you feel like you need to keep proving your worth? Can you hear the difference in those? One feels peaceful. The other feels, frankly, flippant exhausting for many of us. We've confused the two because survival is all we've ever known. If love and childhood felt unpredictable, healthy love may actually feel unfamiliar, sometimes even uncomfortable. Not because it's wrong, but because it's different. It's not familiar. We choose chaos over comfort when chaos is all we've ever known. So we find ourselves in repeating patterns. Have you ever noticed that as we often end up in a relationship that feels like strangely strangely familiar. You keep choosing the same people over and over again. Like I like to say, my picker is broke. It's just different names, different faces, different places, but somehow the same emotional experience seems to keep happening. Maybe you're always the caretaker. Maybe you're always the one giving more than you receive. Maybe you're always trying to fix someone. Maybe you're always walking on eggshells. I don't know, maybe maybe you're always afraid of saying the wrong things. Then one day you stop and you ask, why does this keep happening? How do I keep getting in these relationships? Why can't I just say no to these types of relationships? The answer isn't always that we're choosing unhealthy people on purpose. Sometimes we're choosing what our nervous system recognizes. Our nervous system, it's it isn't asking, is this healthy? It's asking, is this familiar? If chaos was familiar, Peace can feel strange, uncomfortable. If inconsistency in your life is what's familiar, having a consistent love or somebody that's consistent in your life is gonna feel suspicious. So if love have to be earned, unconditional love can almost feel unbelievable. Right? That's why healing takes time. We're teaching our hearts and our nervous system that healthy is safe. That takes time, said Healthy love doesn't require us to have a performance. For years, and I catch myself every once in a while, feel like I need to audition for love. Maybe you know that feeling? You become the helper, the listener, the strong one, the dependable one, the one who never complains, the one who never asks for anything, the one who carries everyone else's emotions. Because somewhere deep inside, you learned I'm useful. If I'm useful, maybe they'll keep me. No. Healthy love doesn't require a performance. That'll lead you to people that want to take advantage of you. You don't have to audition for a place in someone's life. You don't have to earn your seat at the table. You don't have to become someone else to deserve belonging. The right people won't ask you to abandon yourself to keep them comfortable. Healthy relationships don't shrink you. They allow you to become more fully yourself. I cannot speak highly enough on making that happen for yourself. Healthy relationships don't shrink you. Remember that. There's power in boundaries. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about boundaries. I know it's a word that we hear a lot these days, almost overused. But what are boundaries really? Boundaries are not walls. They're not punishment. They're not rejection, even though sometimes they feel that way. They're simply saying this is what helps me feel safe. This is what I'm okay with. This is what I'm not okay with. Okay with For so many years, I thought boundaries meant I was being mean. I thought saying no meant I was selfish. I thought that if I was protecting my peace. It meant that I was letting people down somehow. But healing taught me something different. Every healthy relationship has boundaries. Without boundaries, resentment grows. Right? Without boundaries, resentment grows. You have to set that boundary. Without boundaries, people become exhausted. Relationships end. Without boundaries, we begin giving from our emptiness instead of our abundance. Can I tell you something? People who truly love you will learn your boundaries. People who only benefited from your lack of boundaries may resist them. Keep your eyes open. That doesn't mean your boundaries are wrong. It simply means the relationship is changing. And their true colours are probably going to show. There comes a moment in healing when I realized, when you will realize, not everyone deserves unlimited access to your heart. That doesn't mean you stop loving people. It means you become wise about who has access to your inner world. Some people are safe, some people are not. Some people encourage growth. Some people drain it. Some people celebrate your healing. Some people are threatened by it. Those people need to go. Anyway, one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is learning the difference. Because protecting your peace isn't selfish, it's stewardship. God entrusted you with your heart. It's okay to protect it. Let me ask, when you leave a conversation with someone, how do you usually feel? Do you feel lighter, encouraged, accepted, maybe seen? Or is it the opposite? Do you feel anxious, drained, confused? Like you're never quite enough. Our bodies are funny, and they often recognize unhealthy relationships before our minds ever do. Pay attention to how you feel. Your nervous system carries wisdom. Listen to it. Listen to it. I've decided of the recent past year to try and become someone that I enjoyed actually being around. Because I was starting to not like myself. It was so full of hurt and pain and resentment and anger and every kind of negative emotion you could think of. Then one day I asked myself a question: if I met myself today, would I enjoy spending time with me? I had to sit in that one for a minute and really be honest with myself. And that question to myself changed everything. Because healing isn't only about becoming someone other people enjoy. It's also about becoming someone you enjoy. Have you ever thought about whether or not you enjoy yourself? Someone who laughs, someone who rests, someone who tells the truth, loves deeply, apologizes when necessary, who forgives themselves and moves with grace, who isn't constantly trying to prove their worth. You deserve to joy to enjoy, sorry, you deserve to enjoy. You deserve joy, but you also to deserve to enjoy. I'm so sorry, got the belgiese today. Your own company. Because you'll spend more time with yourself than anyone else ever will. Remember that you'll spend more time with yourself than anyone else ever will. Healthy love will never require you to disappear. Healthy love makes room for honesty, welcomes boundaries, allows you to be fully seen, and perhaps the healthiest relationship you'll ever build is the one you will build with yourself. Because when you finally believe you're worthy of love, You'll stop chasing people who ask you to earn it. Take a deep breath on that one. Because learning how to experience your own joy after a lifetime of surviving is is awe inspiring, challenging, unexpected. You learn that you can laugh without guilt, rest without fear, you can enjoy life without waiting for something bad to happen. That's exactly where we're trying to head. Learning to live after a lifetime of surviving. I thought along the way of all of this that healing was going to be about learning how to stop hurting. That's what I that's what I set out. That was the goal. I wanted to stop hurting. I thought that if I just went to counseling, read enough books, pray enough prayers. Process enough memories that one day I'd simply just stop feeling the pain. I would stop hurting. What surprised me in all of it was how difficult it was to learn how to receive joy. I can give it. I didn't know how to receive it. Sounds kind of strange if you think about it, but it's true. If you've not lived though your life through trauma, like a lot of us have It wouldn't sound strange to you. Well, if you lived your life in trauma, that statement wouldn't sound strange to you. Because when you've spent years just surviving, joy can actually feel unfamiliar. Peace can feel unfamiliar. Rest is unfamiliar. Again, like I said earlier, not because any of those things are bad, but because they're different. For years my nervous system knew exactly how to respond to chaos, how to just keep pushing through, to do how to carry everyone else, how to anticipate problems before they ever happened. You know, hyper-aware. how to smile even while I was hurting, how to just survive. What what I didn't know was how to simply sit with myself in the moments Drink my coffee in peace, listen to the birds, watch the sunset. I didn't know how to do that and believe that I was safe enough to enjoy those moments. I didn't know how to do that. I'm sure a lot of you know exactly what I mean. It's hard to understand and believe it and do it. It's like the syndrome of waiting for the other shoe to drop off. You just constantly waiting for something to happen. How have you ever had those days? Like you can have this day that's completely amazing. Everything's going along swimmingly well. And then somehow, out of the balloon, all of a sudden you just become anxious. Anyway. Nothing really that you can actually see that's wrong. Nothing was wrong. No emergency. No argument. No crisis on hand. But you still felt uneasy, holding your breath, shoulders crunched, tight. Your mind is scanning everything. Going, what am I forgetting? I feel like I'm forgetting something. What am I forgetting? Something bad's probably about to happen. Yep, that's why I have this anxious feeling. I have this weird anxious feeling. There's something wrong. Something bad's about to happen. That's what I get for getting too comfortable. I got too comfortable. Does that seem familiar? Does that sound familiar to you? That's what survival does to you. Trauma teaches us not to trust peace. So when peace all of a sudden shows up one day, we freak out. Trauma teaches us, don't relax. Don't celebrate too soon. Definitely do not let your guard down. Keep that wall up. And every time life seemed calm before something p painful happened. That's where the trauma lies. So now your nervous system has learned to expect a storm when the sky is clear. But here's something that can be so beautiful out of all of that. Your nervous system isn't trying to ruin your happiness. It's simply trying to protect you. It simply hasn't realized you're not living in yesterday anymore. I know I've said this over and over again, but we have to retrain the nervous system. The nervous system doesn't know what year it is. It's still stuck back in the trauma where it was protecting you. So those familiar moments are the ones that trigger you when you feel triggered. Anxious, overwhelmed. All the above. One of the most helpful things I've ever learned was that your nervous system doesn't have a calendar. So think about that. It doesn't wake up every morning and say, Good morning, it's 2026, you're safe now. No. It responds to experiences, consistency. If your child had taught you that love disappeared, your body may still be bracing for. people to leave. If your childhood taught you that conflict wasn't safe, well, your body may still panic when someone says we need to talk. If your childhood taught you that your needs were too much, you may apologize for simply existing. Not because you're weak, because your body learned those lessons long before your mind had words for them. Healing is patiently teaching your nervous system something new. Again and again and again. We're safe. We're okay. We don't have to run anymore. When you have to stop running and face it, that's kind of an eye-opening moment. When you have to face life. So let me paint a picture for you. Imagine you've spent your entire life living beside a railroad tracks, say. And like every hour, you know, train the train comes through. The ground shakes, the windows rattle, the noise is overwhelming, and for years it happens over and over. You become used to it. And then one day you move to a quiet little house in the country, no trains, no noise, no shaking. And the first few nights, you guessed it. You are not sleeping. The silence feels uncomfortable. Your body keeps waiting for the dream. Not because you want the dream, but because it's familiar. Then one morning you wake up. Two birds singing. The breeze is moving through the trees. The sun is shining. And for the first time, the silence feels peaceful instead of frightening. Healing works exactly like that. At first, peace feels unfamiliar. Eventually, peace begins to feel like home. That's what I want you to get to. That's what I want to get to. What if this is the good part? I wonder how many beautiful moments I've almost missed because I was so busy waiting for something bad. Have you ever done that? You're on vacation, but you're worried about work? You're holding your grandchild, but your mind is somewhere else? You're watching a sunset, but you're replaying yesterday's conversation? You're laughing with friends, but you're wondering how long it will last. What if today come on buddy. What if today isn't the calm before the storm? What if today is simply a beautiful day? What if this morning's coffee isn't something to rush through? What if the walk you're taking isn't something to just check off your list? What if this conversation is enough? Healing gently invites us back into the present because the present is where life happens. Now, it's in the now, not yesterday, not tomorrow, today. Life happens now, in real time. I have a feeling that probably more than one person, but there are people listening that need to hear these things today. I think you in I think you Definitely need to hear this part. Your joy does not betray your pain. Hear that. Your joy does not betray your pain. Enjoy those moments. Sometimes people feel guilty when they begin healing. They think, how can I laugh after everything I've been through? How can I enjoy life when other people are still hurting? How can I move forward when so much has been lost? I'm here to tell you. Choosing joy doesn't erase your story. It honors your resilience. Every time you laugh, you're reminding your nervous system I survived. Every time you rest, you're reminding your body we're safe. Every time you choose peace, your breaking cycles that may have existed for generations. Joy isn't disrespecting your past. Joy is refusing to let your past steal your future. Joy is refusing to let your past steal your future. It's not disrespecting the past. I wanna visit that little child inside of you again. Just one more time. I'm sure we'll do it in many more podcasts. And just one last time here, maybe. Only this time when we do it, she's different. They're different. They're outside. They're barefoot. They're running through the grass, laughing, chasing butterflies, lightning bugs, blowing bubbles. You're not looking over your shoulder, not waiting for someone to criticize you, just simply being a child. Can you imagine that? Every time you choose peace, every time you protect your heart, you tell yourself the truth. Every time you stop apologizing for existing. You're giving that little girl something she deserved a long time ago. You're giving that child that. Not a perfect childhood, but a beautiful adulthood. You know, Some of the things that I've learned through this process. One of the things that healing has taught me. Is To notice ordinary miracles. Godwin moments, if you know me. Like a a hot sweltering day, and then out of the blue, you feel a cool breeze come across your face. a dog wagging its tail when I walk through the door, the pure love and joy they have to see me come home. To hear your grandchild's laugh. Or a beautiful text from a friend just checking in. The sound of rain. Watching leaves move through the wind, finding a beautiful feather out of nowhere, smelling the roses. These moments used just slip past me. How about you? Because I was too busy surviving. Now I try to stop, breathe, notice. Because healing isn't just about reducing pain. It's about increasing your presence in yourself. Maybe happiness was never hiding. Maybe I was just simply too exhausted to see it. Are you? When was the last time you truly rested? Not scrolled on your phone, doom scrolling, not watching television while you worry about tomorrow. I mean rested. When was the last time you laughed until your stomach hurt? When was the last time you watched the sunrise? When was the last time you sat quietly with God? Allah, whoever it is that you follow, without asking for anything from Him? When was the last time you simply enjoyed being alive? If it's been a while? I'd like to extend you the invitation to try and do it today. Begin living instead of just existing. There's a difference between the two. Existing it says, I'm just getting through another day. Living says, I'm grateful, I get another day. Existing counts hours. Living notices the small moments. Existing survives. Living actually participates. You didn't fight this hard just to spend the rest of your life merely existing. You fought to live, to laugh, to love. To rest, to dream, to become. And I believe that's exactly what God, or whomever you believe in, desires for you. If you woke up tomorrow and for just one day fear didn't make your decisions, what would you change? Who would you call? What dream would you finally chase? What boundary would you finally set? What would you stop apologizing for? Who would you become? Because fear has been driving your car long enough. It's time to hand the keys to hope. To take a deep breath. And grab on to the journey. There's a legacy you want to leave behind. Purpose. What healing leaves behind. And what it truly means to say the next 50 years belong to me. We've sat here through nearly four plus hours of all of this. Four plus hours of remembering, understanding, questioning, grieving, learning, maybe even some healing, a little bit of hope. Hopefully. Believing something different about yourself than you believed when we first began. When you press play, Maybe you thought you were coming here to learn about anger. But I don't think that's what this journey was really about. I think this journey has been about something much deeper. It's been about changing the story you've believed about yourself. Because for years, many of us asked the wrong questions. I do, still do. We keep asking, but What's wrong with me? When maybe the better question should be, what happened to me? And once we ask that question, everything can start to change. Because it's not what's wrong with you, it's what happened to you. Because there is nothing wrong with you. The story we carry, every one of us carries a story. Some of the stories are filled with laughter, some are filled with loss, betrayal. Most of it contains a type of resilience, joy. Most of us it contains a little bit of everything. The question isn't whether you have a story. The question is who gets to write the next chapter? Because for a long time I allowed my past to hold the pin. You're allowing your past to hold the pen. Every rejection wrote another sentence. Every disappointment wrote another paragraph. Every painful memory convinced me that It knew how my story would end. But healing handed me the pen back, not so I could erase the past, but so I could decide what comes next. You might not have written the first chapter of your life yet, but you have a voice in the chapter, in the chapter, in the next chapter, that haven't been written yet. And that's powerful. There's a lot that healing really gave me. You know, sometimes sometimes people ask me, Barbara, what changed? Was it the counseling? Yes. Was it faith? Absolutely. Time, time helped. Learning about trauma without question, had understanding and awareness. But if I had to put it into one sentence for you. I'd say Healing, healing gave me permission, permission to stop measuring my worth by someone else's inability to see it. That changed a lot for me. Because once I understood that, I stopped chasing people who couldn't love me well. I stopped apologizing for my existence. I stopped shrinking myself to fit inside relationships that required me to disappear. I stood up for myself. I stopped confusing my exhaustion. With love. I stopped believing I had to earn what God had already freely given me. And little by little, peace is becoming more familiar than chaos. And that's a beautiful thing. Absolutely. So when when this episode ends, I don't expect you to remember every story I shared, or every analogy, or every sentence. But I do hope you'll remember these truths. You were never too much. You were never too sensitive. You were never too emotional. You were never too difficult to love. You were never a burden. You believed yourself to be. Sorry. You were just a child. A child trying to make sense of things no child should ever have to understand. A child who deserved comfort, protection, affection, encouragement, consistency, delight in life. A child who deserved to feel emotionally safe. If those things were missing, that says something about what you experienced, does not say something about your worth. Please don't confuse those two things. You have to break that cycle. One of the things I care most about is helping people break those cycles. I had to break that cycle. Maybe you grew up in a home where emotions weren't safe. You can change that. Maybe you grew up believing love had to be earned. You can change that. Maybe you grew up never hearing the words, I'm proud of you. You can become the person. Who says those words to someone else? Healing isn't just about what happens inside of us. Healing changes what flows through us. I'm gonna say that again. Healing changes what flows through us. Every healthy boundary you set changes your life. Every sincere apology you offer changes your life. Every time you choose listening over yelling, compassion over criticism, curiosity over judgment, you change your family. Sometimes the greatest legacy you'll ever leave isn't money, success. It isn't your achievements. It's emotional safety. Imagine your child. Your children, grandchildren, your friends, remembering you as the person they could always come to. The person who listened, who believed them, the person who made them feel safe. That is legacy. That is one I can stand on. Know that my back porch door is always open. One of the reasons I choose the name Back Porch Confessions is because a porch feels different. There's something about sitting outside, the breeze, the birds, the rocking chairs, the slower pace. It reminds us that not every conversation has to be rushed. Healing isn't rushed. Sometimes Sometimes healing looks like two people sitting quietly. Sometimes it looks like tears. Sometimes it looks like laughter. Silence. My hope is that every time you listen to this podcast or to me on my TikTok lives, it feels like you've come home. Not because I have all the answers. Because I don't. I heal through you guys a lot. But because I believe healing happens when people finally feel safe enough to tell the truth. So before we leave, let's visit that little child. Picture them standing there, not frightened anymore, not carrying the heavy backpack, the suitcase, not looking over their shoulder, just standing there, waiting. Walk over to them, take their hand, smile, and ask them one question: What do you want to do today? Maybe they want to swing. Maybe they want to color. Maybe they just want to laugh. Maybe they want to dance in the ring. Maybe they just want to sit beside you. Whatever that answer is, say yes. Because healing isn't only about releasing pain. Healing is learning to play again, to laugh again, dream again. Believe again, trust again, live again, I'd like to pray just for a moment. Heavenly Father, thank you for every person listening today. You know every story, every wound, every unanswered question, every lonely night. Every tear no one else saw and Remind them that their identity is not found in what happened to them. Their identity is found in who you say they are. Teach them to speak kindly to themselves. Teach them to rest. Teach them to receive love. Teach them to set healthy boundaries without guilt. Teach them that peace is not something they have to earn. It's something that you freely offer. For those who are still grieving, comfort them. For those who are still angry, help them understand what their anger has been protecting. For those who are still afraid, remind them they don't walk alone. And for every little child still living inside of an adult heart, wrap them in the kind of love that never leaves. In Jesus' name, amen. Before I say goodbye, I'd like to make one more promise. Not to me. I want you to make it to yourself. Repeat it if you'd like. I promise to stop blaming myself for wounds I didn't create. I promise to speak to myself with kindness. I promise to stop abandoning myself to keep everyone else comfortable. I promise to protect my peace. I promise to stop chasing people. Who have repeatedly shown me they cannot meet me where I am. I promise to remember that healing isn't perfection. Healing is a returning home to myself. And finally, I promise the next fifty years belong to me. Thank you guys. I appreciate you. I love the fact that you have bared with me through all of this. Thank you for allowing me to share my stories and my time. If something in these stories touched you in a place that's still hurting, please don't carry it by yourself. Healing isn't meant to happen in isolation. Reach out to someone that's safe. Doesn't have to be me. A trusted friend, another counselor. A safe pastor, someone who will s sit beside you without trying to fix you. The greatest healing comes from finally realizing you don't have to walk alone anymore. I want you to remember one thing above everything else. There was never anything wrong with you. There was a child trying to con. To just survive, to continue on with life, trying to survive the circumstances they should never have had to carry. Today, the child has an adult who finally understands, finally listens, finally protects, and believes them. That adult is you. So give yourself life, give yourself laughter, rest. Love courageously, set healthy boundaries, tell the truth, and protect your peace. And never again allow someone else have the hold on you because they have the inability to love you the way you need it. To become the measure of worth. That they needed. My brain had to pause there. Sorry, you guys. But become the measure of your worth that you need. Because your worth was never really up for debate. It was given to you by God long before anyone had the chance to question it. This has been Back Porch Confessions. This is Barbara. Until next time, keep healing, keep growing, keep becoming, and never forget, the next 50 years belong to you. God bless you all. Keep your eyes open for the Godweek moments. And I'll meet you here on the back porch again. Thank you guys. Much love to all. Gravesb41: If you're looking for beautiful, meaningful, and custom-made creations that tell a story, Little Butterfly Design and Print is where creativity and compassion come together. Cheryl specializes in personalized designs that celebrate life's most important moments, from custom shirts and prints to heartfelt gifts, memorial pieces and unique creations made just for you. Every design is crafted with intention, care, and a personal touch that you can feel. Whether you're honoring a loved one, supporting a cause, building your brand, or simply want something one of a kind, Cheryl brings your vision to life in a way that feels truly special. Little Butterfly Design and Print isn't just a business. It's a reminder that even the smallest ideas can transform into something beautiful. Support a small business that pours love into every detail. Find Little Butterfly Design and Print by Cheryl A. Harlan online and see how she can create something meaningful just for you. Hey beautiful people, it's Barbara here from Backport's Confessions. You know, I am only gonna share what I truly love. And y'all, this one's a game changer. Our Way Skin by AYXA is a simple, luxurious skincare created with real women in mind. Think clean ingredients, formulas you can see and feel, smoother texture, that healthy glow and confidence looking back at you in the mirror. Whether you're juggling family, work, or just need a little self-care moment, Ixa's products give you spa quality results right at home. I'm obsessed with Our Way Skin and the way it makes my skin feel buttery soft. Go check out Our Way Skin by Ixa at ourwayskin.com and tell them Barbara sent you because your skin deserves to be cared for your way. That's a wrap on this episode of Back Porch Confessions. Where the tea is hot, the stories are real, and we never apologize for keeping it honest. Produced and edited by the magic makers over at Zay Media. Until next time, keep your porch talk spicy and your secrets safe, mostly.