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George Washington Love Story, Making Love in History 🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:27
  SPEAKER_03: Oh boy, thank you so much for coming tonight.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_03: I'm so excited.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_03: This is gonna be a real treat.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_03: Everything has to be perfect.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_03: Um, because it's my special, and I think uh it started off well.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, the weather was beautiful already, so we have that.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_03: Um I think if you live in a city as gorgeous and fun as New York and and the weather is as perfect as it was today, it's impossible to have a bad day.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_03: This morning I I woke up from this real sexy sex dream.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, sex dream.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_03: Um, where I was uh making love to George Washington.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_03: Or rather, he was making love to me and I was just keeping real still.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_03: Like it's done.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_03: Um and things are going better than I could have ever dreamed of, which is ironic.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_03: Um, when halfway through, out of nowhere, my vagina just turns into this avocado pit, and George Washington was like, what the f is that?
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, oh, I don't know.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sorry.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_03: Oh god.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_03: Wanted to die.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_03: Thank God I woke up because I don't know how I would have gotten out of that mess.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_03: Ladies and gentlemen, I am so excited to introduce a special guest on the show tonight.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_03: Um I'm so surprised that he agreed to do it.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_03: I've been working with him um since the early 70s, off and on.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_03: But, anyways, uh Kurt, could you bring him out, please?
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_03: Kurt, um thank you.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_03: Kurt is um Kurt's my comedy partner, and um, we both wanted to do the special, but because I'm more famous, they said just I could have a special and and Kurt could um do the props.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: So doing them pretty good.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Doing pretty good.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_03: Big break for you.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_03: Big break.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_03: Um, ladies and gentlemen, um, please put your hands together for my winging, singin', dancing bird.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, no!
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_03: Excuse me.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_03: Hello.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_03: Hi.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_03: No, yeah, I got the note.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, you you gotta go south, you gotta go south.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm doing it now.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_03: Not so good.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, well, do you think you can make it for the last hello?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_03: Kurt! Kurt.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: What's up, what's up?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_03: The bird is gone.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, geez, that dude's unreliable.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know what I'm gonna do because I the rest of my set was all with the bird, is gonna be singing and dancing and gymnastics.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: I know what you can do.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can do the best one-woman show I've ever seen, and you're too afraid to perform.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_03: Kurt, I uh first of all, this is a comedy show, and that is an intense, gripping drama.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: So Kristen, the world deserves your drama.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now give drama to the world.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_03: Ladies and gentlemen, um, this is um a one-woman show that I have been working on for the last five years about a woman that has shaken history to the core.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_03: And that woman, of course, is Anne Boleyn.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_03: And I am so excited to present to you the first act of my show, Anne Boleyn on fire.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_03: Um, but um, before I do that, before I break into Anne, because once I become her, there's there's no coming back.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_03: Um, all the layers.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_03: Uh I just want to dedicate uh this performance to someone who has stood by my side through all of it, and he's been my dramaturg and my boyfriend.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_03: And um, it happens to be his birthday tonight, and um, I know he's gonna hate me, but what better way to celebrate than in front of everybody?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_03: Scotty, could you come on stage real quick, just for a quick birthday, and then that's it.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_03: Come on, come on.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_03: Um, whoa whoa.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_03: Uh before you sit back down, um, I have one other birthday surprise.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_03: Uh we have been dating for a long time now.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: And every day that I'm with you is like the happiest day of my life, and I cannot imagine spending a single day without you.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_03: Just the thought of it makes me suicidal.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_03: And um I've been racking my head trying to think, oh, what can I get Scotty for his birthday that he doesn't already have?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_03: He has everything, and then I'm like, oh, there's one thing that you don't have, and that is um to ask you if you would marry me.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: Have a good show.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_03: As being serious.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, we gotta keep doing the show.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_03: Ladies and gentlemen, Anne Bolein on fire.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_03: Hello, my name is Anne Bolin, and this is my story.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, hello! Welcome to my castle! It's a beautiful day in London, isn't it not?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, but what's that I see on the horizon?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: Why it looks like a cloud with the ominous threat of a storm.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, wait a minute, that's not a cloud at all.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_03: Why, that's King Emory, the eighth.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_03: They're beautiful.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_03: But don't these belong to your wife, Catherine of Aragorn?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_04: What do you mean divorce her?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_04: That's not allowed.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, well, I guess you are the king.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_04: You certainly are.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: Is it because you're still in love with your ex-girlfriend?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: Is that why you?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_03: Is that why?
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're all so you made me gay.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_03: Well, this is oh.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_03: Excuse me.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_03: Hello.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, hey.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, great.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, no, it's the best show I've ever done.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, killing.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_03: That's awesome.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_03: Okay, well, um, that was uh my bird.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_03: Uh he has a lot of pull in Hollywood, and um apparently he uh got me an audition for Law and Order SVU.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_03: I know, I know.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_03: Um it's a it's a wonderful part.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_03: It's the part of the Chubby Grocer, and um if I book it, it is gonna change everything for me.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_03: It's a really good part.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, it takes place in this 24-hour grocery store where my character, the Chubby Grocer, works.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_03: And in it, um, Detective Benson and Detective Stabler are coming in to question me after recently discovering the mangled corpse of my best friend, Jennifer, who's been severely murdered.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_03: And raped, SBU, um, by our by our teacher, Mr.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_03: Gaines.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_03: Um I mean by a suspect in the show.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_03: All right.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, and thanks, there's a prop in it too.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_03: There's a cake.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_03: Bum bum.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, hello detectives.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: Welcome to the store.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_03: Is there something I can help you find?
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_03: No?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I hope you don't mind if I help myself to something.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_03: It is my birthday after all.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: Thank you.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_03: Sweet 16.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_03: I hope it's better than 15.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: Those were some rough times.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_03: Ooh, mmm, chocolate.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: My favorite.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_03: It's a little melty.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_03: Where was I this morning?
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_03: Um, well, I was helping my best friend Jennifer study for our exam for Mr.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_03: Gaines' class.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_03: Why?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_03: What?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_05: Dead?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_05: No.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_05: No.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_05: No!
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_04: She was my only friend! That's why I was working at the shell of a store so we could get out of this crap town.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_05: We were not lesbians.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_05: We were much more than that.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_05: We were lesbians.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_03: Ladies and gentlemen, uh, before I uh get off the stage, which is gonna be very hard for me to do because this is the only time I ever really feel alive.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_03: Um, a couple weeks ago more than on my hand.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_03: Hurry! Hurry! Um, a couple weeks ago, a good friend of ours um disappeared and he hasn't bothered to make contact with any of us, and we're really worried.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_03: He's been very depressed.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_03: Have you heard anything yet?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing yet.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'll keep watching the phone.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_03: Um if you see him, if you're out and about wherever you are and you happen to spot him, he's pretty easy to pick out in a crowd.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_03: Uh he's very small.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_03: He's about two inches.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_03: Um he's green.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_03: His name's Clarence.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_03: He's a caterpillar, not that that matters.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_03: Um and I have a picture of him too, just so you don't give me the wrong caterpillar.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'm so mad.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_03: Um what's this?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_03: That's weird.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_03: Clarence's journal, keep out.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe this'll shed some light on where he went.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_03: Um June 24th, I'm a caterpillar.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_03: Someday I'll be a butterfly.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, that's the lie they've been feeding me my whole life.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_03: June 30th, ate too many leaves today.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_03: Feel fat.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_03: Greta came over to show off her new wings.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_03: They were beautiful.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_03: What a bitch.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm so in love with her.
• 17:31
  unknown: That's not good.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_03: July 2nd, dreamt all night of flying, woke up excited, looked in the mirror.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_03: Still a caterpillar.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_03: July 24th, couldn't go outside.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_03: Couldn't stand to be mocked by Greta and her new friends with all their goddamn pretty colors.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_03: Sometimes I think I just want to take a knife to my ugly caterpillar throat and end it.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my god, Clarence.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_03: Leaf dead, dead leaves, die, die, dead.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_03: I have no idea where this is going.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_03: Dead, die.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_03: Too sad to write.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_03: Perhaps it's time I took my transformation into my own hands.
• 18:18
  unknown: Oh my God.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I found them, so you don't bother looking at me.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Clarence is with me now.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_03: George Washington.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: Ahoy! Freedom will call us by our first names.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: That's a George Washington quote.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's a private quote.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Kristen, we have some unfinished business.