Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Start Parenting the Outcome, Not the Outburst (Boundaries 3) | Ep. 184

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Start Parenting the Outcome, Not the Outburst (Boundaries 3) | Ep. 184 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Cheryl New (2): Some truths.
• 0:07
  Cheryl New (2): Don't click until real life presses on them.
• 0:12
  Cheryl New (2): Lately I'm seeing how boundaries aren't about control.
• 0:17
  Cheryl New (2): They the edges that let love stay close.
• 0:22
  Cheryl New (2): Today on the Parenting podcast, Christie and I are diving into two anchors.
• 0:27
  Cheryl New (2): That change family life responsibility, who carries what, and sowing and reaping how choices grow outcomes.
• 0:41
  Cheryl New (2): We'll walk it from littles to teens with simple language that you can try tonight and we'll talk honestly about the hard part for us as parents stepping out of rescuing.
• 0:56
  Cheryl New (2): And into calm, consistent guidance.
• 1:01
  Cheryl New (2): I'm Cheryl Lang.
• 1:03
  Cheryl New (2): Grab a breath and join us.
• 1:13
  Christie (2): Cheryl.
• 1:14
  Christie (2): Happy birthday.
• 1:16
  Christie (2): Not your birthday.
• 1:18
  Christie (2): No to TPP, but t p's birthday.
• 1:20
  Christie (2): We just passed four years that we've been doing this.
• 1:25
  Christie (2): Can you believe it?
• 1:26
  Christie (2): Isn't it fun?
• 1:27
  Christie (2): I just, it has been fun.
• 1:28
  Cheryl New (2): I can't believe it.
• 1:29
  Cheryl New (2): We're approaching 200 episodes
• 1:31
  Christie: That's amazing.
• 1:32
  Christie: We've
• 1:32
  Cheryl: had tens
• 1:33
  Christie: of thousands of downloads.
• 1:35
  Christie: Oh my goodness.
• 1:36
  Christie: I just think back at all the different eras of PPP.
• 1:40
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:41
  Christie: There we are, the eras and it's, you know, thinking back at our guests that we've had and different hosts that we've had, and topics we've talked about, and, um, encouragement we've received from listeners to keep going and how we've
• 1:55
  Cheryl: been impacted.
• 1:55
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: You know, and.
• 1:57
  Cheryl: Like you say, the eras.
• 1:59
  Cheryl: Where we are today and what we've learned and how we know better to communicate with our audience.
• 2:06
  Cheryl: This is where I wanted to be four years ago.
• 2:09
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 2:10
  Christie: Yeah.
• 2:10
  Christie: Something about that process.
• 2:11
  Christie: Right.
• 2:12
  Christie: You know, that old
• 2:12
  Cheryl: process that, that hard thing called experience.
• 2:16
  Christie (2): Yeah.
• 2:16
  Christie (2): Well, and you know, like you said, we're growing as we do this.
• 2:20
  Christie (2): Yeah, absolutely.
• 2:20
  Christie (2): And I'm sure, I haven't gone back and listened in a while, but I'm sure if we went and listened to an earlier episode, we.
• 2:25
  Christie (2): It'd be pretty cringey.
• 2:26
  Christie (2): Oh, cringey is the word I was thinking
• 2:28
  Cheryl: too, you know?
• 2:29
  Cheryl: But we didn't do it for us or to build a reputation.
• 2:33
  Cheryl: We just had this heart and we felt called to want to communicate the kinds of things we do through tPP and it's been a great ride.
• 2:42
  Cheryl: I'm sure enjoying it.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: It really is so much fun.
• 2:45
  Cheryl: It sure is.
• 2:45
  Cheryl: And hey listeners, thank you so much for being there.
• 2:49
  Cheryl: You are the reason we do this and thank you.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: Keep coming back.
• 2:55
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 2:55
  Christie (2): Yeah.
• 2:56
  Cheryl New (2): So, we've Been preparing to do this book study conversation mm-hmm.
• 3:01
  Cheryl New (2): On boundaries with kids because we want boundaries to be the lifestyle for our family, not just something we do.
• 3:09
  Cheryl New (2): Right.
• 3:10
  Cheryl New (2): You know, for example, if you're a person of faith, you don't want it to be something we do.
• 3:15
  Cheryl New (2): You want it to be something that permeates your whole lifestyle.
• 3:18
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 3:18
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 3:18
  Cheryl New (2): Doctors Townsend and Cloud have set 10 laws of boundaries that we want to teach our children.
• 3:24
  Cheryl New (2): so I thought if we looked at these, um, 10 principles,'cause it says law, but Christie's law sounds legalistic.
• 3:34
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 3:34
  Cheryl New (2): And like, don't go over 35 miles an hour.
• 3:37
  Cheryl New (2): Right.
• 3:37
  Cheryl New (2): But in this case, what they mean by laws is they believe in boundaries so much and they've convinced me whether you acknowledge or not.
• 3:48
  Cheryl New (2): The law exists and you will reap benefits or suffer consequences mm-hmm.
• 3:53
  Cheryl New (2): On how you treat it.
• 3:55
  Cheryl New (2): For example, if you don't believe in the law of gravity and you jump off your roof, okay, you're gonna figure it out.
• 4:04
  Cheryl New (2): You're gonna figure it out.
• 4:05
  Cheryl New (2): And so what we wanna do is.
• 4:06
  Cheryl New (2): Acknowledge what the principles, are, talk about'em, apply'em.
• 4:10
  Cheryl New (2): So not only do we understand what they are,, but we can begin to actually use them in our families.
• 4:16
  Cheryl New (2): Okay.
• 4:17
  Christie: That's really helpful?
• 4:18
  Christie: You know, when, when we talk about boundaries, We do often just think rules or Yeah.
• 4:23
  Christie: Things to do or not to do, and where you draw the line.
• 4:25
  Christie: So that, that's, that perspective is really helpful.
• 4:28
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 4:28
  Cheryl New: Because this is relationships.
• 4:29
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 4:30
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 4:30
  Cheryl New: So our mantra that.
• 4:31
  Cheryl New: We're gonna say is healthy boundaries.
• 4:34
  Cheryl New: Make healthy families Yeah.
• 4:36
  Cheryl New: We've already done a couple Introductory episodes, but I just keep seeing it work in my life.
• 4:42
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 4:42
  Cheryl New: And in other people's lives and.
• 4:45
  Cheryl New: The reason I did not do boundaries, I didn't understand that it was a law.
• 4:50
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 4:50
  Cheryl New: And if I violated it, I have to pay the fine.
• 4:53
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 4:54
  Cheryl New: And then the other thing is, is it looked to me like it separated instead of realizing the healthiness of it helps us to grow closer and healthier.
• 5:03
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 5:03
  Cheryl New: And actually to love people better.
• 5:05
  Christie: Right.
• 5:05
  Christie: That's what I was thinking is it's actually a way to love our children, love the other people in our lives, in our relationships not to, um.
• 5:14
  Christie: Be harsh or, or punishing them for something.
• 5:18
  Christie: Absolutely not.
• 5:19
  Christie: In
• 5:19
  Cheryl New: fact, if, for example, if we didn't teach our children about the law of gravity, that would be harsh.
• 5:25
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 5:26
  Cheryl New: But we teach them the law of gravity for their protection and because we love them.
• 5:32
  Cheryl New: And I think it's the same thing with the law of boundaries.
• 5:35
  Cheryl New: Hmm.
• 5:36
  Christie: So.
• 5:37
  Christie: Okay, so these laws, Cheryl, what are some of the first principles or laws that we should talk about in this book?
• 5:44
  Cheryl New: Okay, so we're not gonna do all 10 and we'll combine some.
• 5:46
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 5:47
  Cheryl New: So the first two we're gonna talk about are the law of sowing and reaping.
• 5:52
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 5:53
  Cheryl New: And the law of responsibility.
• 5:54
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 5:55
  Cheryl New: So sowing and reaping is an agricultural term.
• 5:58
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 5:58
  Cheryl New: If you could go see my front garden right now, even here already in the beginning of the fall.
• 6:04
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 6:04
  Cheryl New: I have zinnias and they are gorgeous to die for
• 6:08
  Christie: the pictures you sent me, they could be like a, a calendar, I mean, I know.
• 6:13
  Christie: Or a screensaver or something.
• 6:15
  Cheryl New: They are so beautiful.
• 6:17
  Cheryl New: And yesterday I saw.
• 6:19
  Cheryl New: Um, my first monarch, and today I saw my first hummingbird aw.
• 6:24
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 6:24
  Cheryl New: So I've practiced the law of sowing and reaping.
• 6:28
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 6:28
  Cheryl New: Because I sowed these great seeds.
• 6:31
  Cheryl New: zinnia seeds.
• 6:32
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 6:33
  Cheryl New: I'm reaping this reward of exactly what I wanted outta my zinnias.
• 6:37
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 6:37
  Cheryl New: Everybody would understand that if they saw me planting tomato seeds.
• 6:41
  Cheryl New: and I was frustrated that I got zinnias.
• 6:44
  Cheryl New: Or vice versa.
• 6:45
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 6:46
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 6:46
  Cheryl New: Everybody say You're so foolish.
• 6:49
  Cheryl New: And we understand sowing
• 6:51
  Cheryl New (2): and reaping in a garden, but Christie, we don't always practice in our lives.
• 6:54
  Cheryl New (2): Right.
• 6:55
  Cheryl New (2): You know, I mean, how many times did I know I had a test coming or I had an assignment in school?
• 7:01
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 7:02
  Cheryl New (2): And I didn't prepare for it, and then I was really upset that I didn't do well.
• 7:06
  Cheryl New (2): Right.
• 7:06
  Cheryl New (2): Or didn't get a good grade.
• 7:07
  Cheryl New (2): Right.
• 7:08
  Cheryl New (2): That's the law of sowing and re cause and effect.
• 7:10
  Cheryl New (2): It.
• 7:10
  Cheryl New (2): It's cause and effect, but it's the sowing what you sow, that's what you get.
• 7:15
  Cheryl New (2): right?
• 7:16
  Cheryl New (2): And that's a, foundational principle.
• 7:18
  Cheryl New (2): And then the second one is what they call the law of responsibility.
• 7:24
  Cheryl New (2): That each person is responsible for their own feelings.
• 7:28
  Cheryl New (2): Attitudes and behavior.
• 7:30
  Cheryl New (2): Hmm.
• 7:30
  Cheryl New (2): This is the, this is me, this is not me.
• 7:34
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 7:34
  Cheryl New (2): And we've talked about it previously, but both of these work together.
• 7:40
  Cheryl New (2): Um, I think like introducing it to a family to begin to understand it.
• 7:47
  Cheryl New (2): like The law of responsibility, if we could have that circle and we say, this is inside my circle, this is outside my circle.
• 7:55
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 7:55
  Cheryl New (2): And with little ones you, if you're really trying to kind of show them, have a hula hoop and go, look, this is inside.
• 8:02
  Cheryl New (2): Step into your hula.
• 8:03
  Cheryl New (2): Now you're in.
• 8:04
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 8:04
  Cheryl New (2): What you own, what you have to take responsibility for.
• 8:07
  Cheryl New (2): Whoops.
• 8:08
  Cheryl New (2): You stepped out and you could just reinforce it by physical circle But it helps me visually to think, um.
• 8:17
  Cheryl New (2): Am I responsible for this or not?
• 8:20
  Cheryl New (2): And so I have to have a boundary of where the line is between what I'm responsible for and what everybody else is.
• 8:28
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 8:28
  Cheryl New (2): And it's not just work because a lot of this, when I used to think about this, I thought this was like.
• 8:36
  Cheryl New (2): Doing and not doing right.
• 8:38
  Cheryl New (2): Like
• 8:38
  Christie: chores or, that's what I'm thinking of.
• 8:40
  Christie: I remember even my littlest kid saying, that's not my chore area.
• 8:45
  Christie: Exactly.
• 8:45
  Christie: Because we have these
• 8:46
  Cheryl New: boundary lines and that is an application Uhhuh we've talked about you leave your lunch at home, an older child, then let them feel the burn of their choices rather than always fixing it so they don't learn to be responsible for what's inside.
• 9:01
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 9:02
  Cheryl New: Their circle.
• 9:03
  Cheryl New: Uhhuh, um, so what I want us to do is expand it, that we're not mostly talking about what we do and don't do in the physical world mm-hmm.
• 9:11
  Cheryl New: Take care of our car mm-hmm.
• 9:12
  Cheryl New: And take care of that.
• 9:13
  Cheryl New: But in the relationships we have with one another, what we wanna do is have healthy boundaries,
• 9:20
  Cheryl New (2): by applying sowing And Reaping.
• 9:22
  Cheryl New (2): Take responsibility of how I should in my relationship with you and others, but let's just use between the two of us.
• 9:30
  Cheryl New (2): Because.
• 9:30
  Cheryl New (2): Christie, every choice has a result.
• 9:34
  Cheryl New (2): That's the way God designed life to work.
• 9:36
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 9:37
  Cheryl New: Um, like my zinnias.
• 9:38
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 9:39
  Cheryl New: And the problem is if we're not doing it well and we don't understand it as parents, then we're not gonna be able to connect the dots for our children.
• 9:48
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 9:48
  Cheryl New: And I know every one of us right now.
• 9:52
  Cheryl New: Could think of an adult that we know, full grown adult that has not understood what I sow I'm going to reap right now.
• 10:01
  Cheryl New: They may have had the consequences, but they may not ever connected the dots.
• 10:05
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 10:05
  o: You know,
• 10:06
  Cheryl New: irresponsibility.
• 10:08
  Cheryl New: Early on in life and now they're paying consequences.
• 10:11
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 10:12
  Cheryl New: And so what we wanna do for our children is help Connect the dots so that they have these great guardrails mm-hmm.
• 10:21
  Cheryl New: In their relationships with other people, with what's mine to own and what isn't.
• 10:27
  Cheryl New: And then as they get older, we connect fewer dots, but we continue to work with our children.
• 10:33
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 10:33
  Cheryl New: Does that make
• 10:33
  Christie: sense?
• 10:34
  Christie: It does.
• 10:34
  Christie: And I'm also thinking it, it's just as important our, our tone in setting these boundaries, especially in this area.
• 10:43
  Christie: Um, you know, it's sometimes tempting.
• 10:46
  Christie: Think or say, well, what did you expect?
• 10:49
  Christie: You know, you did this.
• 10:50
  Christie: Of course you're gonna get that and to be kind of snarky about it.
• 10:54
  Christie: But we have to come at this with words of compassion.
• 10:57
  Christie: And even though we're setting a boundary, we are, um, remembering that this is our kids' first time through life.
• 11:04
  Christie: As it is ours and that we're we're, um, patient with them with the consequences.
• 11:09
  Cheryl New: You're exactly right.
• 11:11
  Cheryl New: This is not at all meant to be harsh mm-hmm.
• 11:14
  Cheryl New: In any way.
• 11:15
  Cheryl New: this is a loving thing to do.
• 11:16
  Cheryl New: I mean, setting those guardrails is so loving and trying to help our children, our family, to have healthy relationships.
• 11:25
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 11:25
  Cheryl New: This is amazing.
• 11:26
  Cheryl New: And it takes healthy boundaries, right?
• 11:28
  Cheryl New: So snarky is not in here in anyway.
• 11:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:32
  Christie: Nor is the other extreme because it, it's so tempting to just wanna swoop in and fix the problem and take control and help them out in places that.
• 11:41
  Christie: Are not your responsibility.
• 11:43
  Cheryl New: That's right.
• 11:43
  Cheryl New: That's why we have to be discerning.
• 11:45
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 11:45
  Cheryl New: That's why we want parents to grasp it so they can begin operating in a way that will bless the kids.
• 11:51
  Cheryl New: Because children naturally want freedom without responsibility.
• 11:56
  Cheryl New: I mean, who doesn't?
• 11:57
  Cheryl New: Right?
• 11:58
  Cheryl New: But children are born that way, and so everybody understands a little bit.
• 12:03
  Cheryl New: Maybe you have to pick up your blocks, you know?
• 12:06
  Cheryl New: But as it gets older.
• 12:08
  Cheryl New: You know what teenager doesn't want a car and a credit card with no responsibility.
• 12:14
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 12:14
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 12:14
  Cheryl New: But that's irresponsible right?
• 12:17
  Cheryl New: In the area of finance, uhhuh, um, and what I'm saying, I agree with them.
• 12:22
  Cheryl New: It's irresponsible if we allow that in relationships
• 12:25
  Christie: as well as objects, right?
• 12:27
  Christie: Yeah.
• 12:28
  Christie: Because it's all.
• 12:29
  Christie: Crafting their character.
• 12:30
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 12:31
  Christie: Because that's an entitlement issue.
• 12:32
  Christie: That's a heart issue.
• 12:34
  Christie: It's not about the car and the credit card.
• 12:35
  Christie: Exactly.
• 12:36
  Christie: It's about their hearts and their expectations of us and what they are, um, gaining from our relationship in that situation is more entitlement rather than
• 12:48
  Cheryl New (2): relationship.
• 12:48
  Cheryl New (2): That's exactly right.
• 12:49
  Cheryl New (2): And again, in this entitlement in a relationship that I can treat you any way I want.
• 12:55
  Cheryl New (2): to speak to you any way I want.
• 12:58
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 12:58
  Cheryl New (2): And I should not have to pay consequences.
• 13:00
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 13:01
  Cheryl New: In any way.
• 13:02
  Cheryl New: And that's just in relationships, right?
• 13:05
  Cheryl New: No entitlement, right.
• 13:06
  Cheryl New: This is me, this is not me, and I need to draw a healthy boundary.
• 13:10
  Cheryl New: If you're gonna talk to me or treat me that way.
• 13:11
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 13:12
  Christie: And if that's the seed we're sowing at a young age, it's just going to be what we reap more of in their older ages.
• 13:19
  Christie: Well said, um, so what are some examples at different, different ages that we see these principles played out?
• 13:26
  Cheryl New (2): And again, like we always do on here, talk about.
• 13:31
  Cheryl New (2): How I did it wrong, right.
• 13:32
  Cheryl New (2): You know, and so my mistake a lot of times was thinking.
• 13:39
  Cheryl New (2): I was being loving by stepping in and rescuing.
• 13:42
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 13:43
  Cheryl New (2): And I felt bad, like I was a mean person.
• 13:45
  Cheryl New (2): Yeah.
• 13:46
  Cheryl New (2): If I didn't rescue them, in fact, right now, um, in some relationships in my life, oh.
• 13:53
  Cheryl New (2): I'm choosing to draw boundaries.
• 13:55
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 13:56
  Cheryl New (2): And I feel the tug that I'm being mean rather than loving.
• 14:02
  Cheryl New (2): Right.
• 14:03
  Cheryl New (2): To not come in and rescue.
• 14:04
  Cheryl New (2): Right.
• 14:05
  Cheryl New (2): But now i Wanna say the kind of thing, I'm here with you, but this is still yours to carry.
• 14:12
  Cheryl New (2): Yeah.
• 14:12
  Cheryl New (2): Mm.
• 14:13
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 14:13
  Cheryl New (2): You know, I'm sorry, that's hard for you.
• 14:16
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 14:17
  Cheryl New: But I'm not gonna pick it up for you.
• 14:19
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 14:19
  Cheryl New: So let's look at some examples.
• 14:21
  Cheryl New: You think of littles.
• 14:23
  Cheryl New: Um, they're not very self-regulated with their emotions and their words.
• 14:28
  Cheryl New: And so without.
• 14:29
  Cheryl New: Any correction, they will run rampant over everybody.
• 14:33
  Cheryl New: And we all know little ones that do.
• 14:35
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 14:35
  Cheryl New (2): And with little ones, a lot of times it's the practical stuff.
• 14:38
  Cheryl New (2): We're beginning to set boundaries with objects.
• 14:40
  Cheryl New (2): So if you're gonna play with your blocks, you have to put'em up.
• 14:44
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 14:45
  Cheryl New (2): And that we come back to it.
• 14:46
  Cheryl New (2): And no, you don't get to go eat your dessert.
• 14:49
  Cheryl New (2): You didn't pick up your blocks.
• 14:50
  Cheryl New (2): You must pick up your blocks first.
• 14:52
  Cheryl New (2): saying it one time to a 3-year-old is not enough.
• 14:56
  Cheryl New (2): it's gonna have to become a lifestyle Yeah.
• 14:58
  Cheryl New (2): And so one of the things to do is for example, saying if you'll speak to me with kind words.
• 15:04
  Cheryl New (2): I'll answer you.
• 15:04
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 15:05
  Christie: I'll help you You're encouraging the behavior you wanna see.
• 15:09
  Cheryl New: That's right.
• 15:09
  Christie: And withholding a little bit on the, the behaviors.
• 15:12
  Christie: You don't
• 15:12
  Cheryl New (2): Where you continue to do it so they realize, ugh, I'm gonna have to speak in a modulated tone.
• 15:18
  Cheryl New (2): And we're not talking about a 3-year-old acting like a 30-year-old.
• 15:21
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 15:22
  Cheryl New (2): They can't scream and demand and tell me what I'm supposed to do and then I jump to it.
• 15:27
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 15:27
  Cheryl New (2): We've all seen that in action and it's an easy mistake to make because it's a lot easier to give them the cookie when they scream at you for it.
• 15:37
  Cheryl New (2): Right.
• 15:37
  Cheryl New (2): Because they wanted another cookie than it is to say, we're gonna speak in kind tones and I'm not going to respond when you talk like that.
• 15:45
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 15:46
  Cheryl New (2): Again, we're making our life.
• 15:48
  Cheryl New (2): In the short run a little harder.
• 15:50
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 15:50
  Cheryl New (2): Because we're gonna have to follow through with it.
• 15:53
  Cheryl New (2): But in the long run, look at the gift we're giving our children
• 15:56
  Christie: because when they're little, they're such concrete thinkers.
• 15:59
  Christie: Yeah.
• 15:59
  Christie: They may not be grasping the value and worth of their mother or the character that's being built in them.
• 16:06
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:06
  Christie: So this, these are still the training years of just.
• 16:08
  Christie: Developing good habits that we point back to later.
• 16:11
  Christie: Right?
• 16:11
  Cheryl New: And it would be the same just as they go up the ladder.
• 16:15
  Cheryl New: The thing now would be, as you begin to help them understand, and all of it is training that you train them and talk about what their responsibility is, Uhhuh, what their
• 16:24
  Cheryl New (2): circle
• 16:25
  Cheryl New: is.
• 16:26
  Cheryl New: For example, particularly school assignments.
• 16:30
  Cheryl New: I think a lot of parents don't follow through with boundaries.
• 16:34
  Cheryl New: on school assignments Mm.
• 16:36
  Cheryl New: Because they care too much about the grades that kids gonna get.
• 16:39
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 16:39
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 16:40
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 16:40
  o: So
• 16:40
  Cheryl New: they're too invested in the academic performance to draw the circle and say.
• 16:48
  Cheryl New: I'm not gonna run out at nine o'clock at night and get your stuff for your,.
• 16:51
  Cheryl New: Project.
• 16:51
  Cheryl New: I told you I was available this morning and I'm not tonight.
• 16:54
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 16:55
  Cheryl New: And so again, those are practical areas, but it changes from the little ones.
• 17:00
  Cheryl New: Still.
• 17:00
  Cheryl New: You require, the way we treat each other is
• 17:02
  Cheryl New (2): with value.
• 17:03
  Cheryl New (2): But we move up the ladder they're gonna take on increasingly more responsibilities and we're not gonna step in and rescue them.
• 17:10
  Cheryl New (2): Right.
• 17:11
  Cheryl New (2): So it gets harder but different.
• 17:13
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 17:15
  Cheryl New (2): Okay.
• 17:15
  Cheryl New (2): And then teen years,
• 17:19
  Christie (2): which we have full episodes on here on this podcast.
• 17:23
  Cheryl New (2): It is more complicated.
• 17:25
  Cheryl New (2): there are just a lot of areas, this is why we have to be discerning, know our kids well.
• 17:31
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 17:32
  Cheryl New (2): And.
• 17:33
  Cheryl New (2): Not come down heavy but again, we talk about what's their area of responsibility, how you're not going to step in.
• 17:41
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 17:42
  Cheryl New (2): And one of the main boundaries we must do with our teens is the way they treat others in the house.
• 17:49
  Cheryl New (2): And me as a parent with their tones and the words and the attitude with which they.
• 17:57
  Cheryl New (2): Treat us right and stopping that this is a boundary.
• 18:01
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 18:01
  Cheryl New (2): And I'm really thankful I got enough of this teaching towards the end of having teens in the home.
• 18:08
  Cheryl New (2): and young adults.
• 18:09
  Cheryl New (2): and there were times where Christie, I actually did it where I said, the way you're speaking to me is not acceptable.
• 18:16
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 18:17
  Cheryl New (2): And this conversation's gonna end unless you change Your tone Mm-hmm.
• 18:22
  Cheryl New (2): And then it's in their court and they could choose to continue.
• 18:25
  Cheryl New (2): But I was ready to walk away and there were a couple of times, I actually walked away.
• 18:29
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:30
  Cheryl New: And then they followed me down the hall and I said, no.
• 18:32
  Cheryl New: I said, I'm walking away.
• 18:33
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 18:34
  Cheryl New: Maybe in the future we'll pick this back up.
• 18:37
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 18:37
  Cheryl New: It was very effective.
• 18:39
  Cheryl New: And I wish I'd done it all their lives.
• 18:41
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 18:41
  Cheryl New: But I actually did it a little bit and it was hard.
• 18:45
  Christie: Well, that's what I was just thinking, is I, you know, I may have gotten a few accidental boundaries Right.
• 18:51
  Christie: In the early years.
• 18:52
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:52
  Christie: Um, but certainly if anyone's listening and they're in the teen years and they're realizing now how few boundaries they actually have.
• 19:00
  Christie: Yeah, and that was me.
• 19:01
  Christie: You know, once mine started hitting teen years, I started really feeling the reaping of what I had sown Yeah.
• 19:08
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 19:09
  Cheryl New: And the wonderful thing about it, it's always a new day.
• 19:12
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 19:12
  Cheryl New: You know, and we, we don't want to make radical, harsh changes, but we can make radical changes.
• 19:18
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 19:19
  Cheryl New: We can start having these kind of conversations in homes, all of us.
• 19:23
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 19:24
  Cheryl New: And I've done it with my kids, I've said.
• 19:26
  Cheryl New: I'm really sorry.
• 19:27
  Cheryl New: I did not do boundaries well.
• 19:29
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 19:29
  Cheryl New: And I'm sorry I didn't teach you how to do it.
• 19:31
  Cheryl New: We didn't do conflict resolution, which is boundaries.
• 19:35
  Cheryl New: And I
• 19:35
  Cheryl New (2): honestly said, I'm really sorry, but I want that to change.
• 19:39
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 19:39
  Cheryl New (2): I don't want that to be the way we continue in our relationships with each other.
• 19:43
  Cheryl New (2): Yeah.
• 19:44
  Cheryl New (2): And you know, now it's not the practical stuff so much, it is just how we talk, how we.
• 19:50
  Cheryl New (2): treat each other, what we expect of someone else.
• 19:52
  Christie: Right.
• 19:53
  Christie: And
• 19:53
  Cheryl New: so one of the benefits of this is expectations.
• 19:55
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 19:56
  Cheryl New: This kind of gets it out on the table of expectations of what I can expect from you and mm-hmm.
• 20:02
  Cheryl New: Like a teenager, what they can
• 20:03
  Cheryl New (2): expect of us! You know, for example, um, if you give them.
• 20:08
  Cheryl New (2): The responsibility to get themselves up and get themselves off to school or to work, or to football practice or whatever it is.
• 20:16
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 20:16
  Cheryl New (2): And you have clearly said that's in your area, that's your circle to be responsible for.
• 20:22
  Cheryl New (2): Then you don't step in and wake'em up.
• 20:24
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 20:24
  Cheryl New (2): And you don't.
• 20:26
  Cheryl New (2): Throw their books together.
• 20:27
  Cheryl New (2): We don't step in and rescue'em.
• 20:29
  Cheryl New (2): Not because we're being unkind Christie, but because we're trying to teach them what you sow, you're gonna reap.
• 20:36
  Cheryl New (2): Right.
• 20:36
  Cheryl New (2): And that there's a law of responsibility.
• 20:39
  Cheryl New (2): You're responsible for this.
• 20:41
  Cheryl New (2): I want to help you know what we responsibility feels like.
• 20:44
  Cheryl New (2): Mm-hmm.
• 20:45
  Cheryl New (2): Because like we say all the time, I want them to learn the pain and the burn of that in my home so that at least they know.
• 20:54
  Cheryl New (2): Wow.
• 20:55
  Cheryl New (2): This is what, not being responsible feels like.
• 20:59
  Cheryl New (2): Oh, there's a burn to it, not a rescue.
• 21:02
  Christie: Right.
• 21:03
  Cheryl New: I mean, there's grace.
• 21:04
  Cheryl New: We always say there's grace.
• 21:05
  Cheryl New: Sure.
• 21:05
  Cheryl New: But there's a general pattern in our home.
• 21:07
  Christie: Right.
• 21:07
  Christie: Well, yeah, and especially in those later teen years, you are at your very last.
• 21:13
  Christie: Thread Yes.
• 21:14
  Christie: Of being able to, um, model what you want your relationship to look like in their adult years, and so you're really finalizing how we're going to treat each other as peers here in a few years, once you've left the home.
• 21:31
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:32
  Christie: And I want b healthy boundaries mm-hmm.
• 21:35
  Christie: To keep our relationship healthy, which means we also have to have that in our other relationships because our, our teens and children are watching.
• 21:42
  Christie: So, I mean, just thinking about that, how, how can we model this for our kids?
• 21:47
  Christie: They're watching us.
• 21:48
  Christie: It's caught rather than taught, we've said here on the podcast Sure is.
• 21:52
  Christie: so how can we show them this is what healthy relationships look like?
• 21:56
  Cheryl New: And the truth is,, there's no perfection.
• 21:58
  Cheryl New: This is a long lifetime working.
• 22:00
  Cheryl New: Sure.
• 22:01
  Cheryl New: Towards process.
• 22:02
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 22:02
  o: Um.
• 22:03
  Cheryl New: How hypocritical if me saying to my children, oh, boundaries bound here, heres' your responsibility.
• 22:09
  Cheryl New: Oh, that's hard.
• 22:10
  Cheryl New: I'm sorry.
• 22:10
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 22:11
  Cheryl New (2): And we're doing it to them and we are not doing it right.
• 22:13
  Cheryl New (2): So, um, it might be, um, when we're doing it right, that.
• 22:19
  Cheryl New (2): We have a trip tomorrow, so I'm gonna go somewhere early in the morning.
• 22:24
  Cheryl New (2): So I give myself margin tonight to go out and get the gas so we're not rushed and cramped in the morning.
• 22:31
  Cheryl New (2): Mm mm-hmm.
• 22:32
  Cheryl New (2): So that I'm doing what I'm telling my teen they have to do, or that also parents have to follow the same rules of the way we treat people, even when I'm tired.
• 22:43
  Cheryl New (2): Mm.
• 22:44
  Cheryl New (2): So even I'm tired, I have to choose to talk to people with respect and honor their boundaries of treating them with value.
• 22:52
  o: Mm-hmm.
• 22:52
  Cheryl New: Makes sense.
• 22:53
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 22:53
  Cheryl New: And then they're the ones where we don't do it so well let's say.
• 22:58
  Cheryl New: We didn't get out early and do all that.
• 23:01
  Cheryl New: Okay.
• 23:02
  Cheryl New: And so instead of owning it, I go, well, I just didn't leave early enough and dah, dah, dah.
• 23:06
  Cheryl New: And we come up with an excuse Mm.
• 23:08
  Cheryl New: Rather than saying, wow, I made a mistake and I didn't prepare ahead of time.
• 23:13
  Cheryl New: I'm getting us off late'cause I didn't go get, the gas last night and we own where we didn't take responsibility, right.
• 23:20
  Cheryl New: Or, um.
• 23:21
  Cheryl New: Grumbling and complaining and talking about the government or the bank about fees that are maybe, I mean, it's a small thing.
• 23:28
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 23:29
  Cheryl New: But fees that were imposed because a check bounced or I didn't pay my taxes on time instead of it.
• 23:35
  Cheryl New: Admitting, uh, I did not get that in on time.
• 23:38
  Cheryl New: I didn't follow through.
• 23:40
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 23:40
  Cheryl New: And now I have to pay the fee.
• 23:42
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 23:42
  Cheryl New: See, that's a boundary, not, not
• 23:43
  Christie: passing the buck.
• 23:44
  Christie: Exactly.
• 23:45
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 23:46
  Cheryl New: Not passing the buck That's the law of responsibility.
• 23:49
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 23:50
  Cheryl New: And own up to it in front of your children.
• 23:53
  Cheryl New: Right.
• 23:53
  Cheryl New: Because remember Christie, they're watching us and listening all the time.
• 23:57
  Cheryl New: Yeah.
• 23:58
  Cheryl New: And they're just a cloud of witnesses around us all the time.
• 24:02
  Cheryl New: Like we're in the middle of the stadium and there's all of them watching all the time.
• 24:08
  Cheryl New: The little tiny things.
• 24:10
  Cheryl New: So where they can see, wow.
• 24:13
  Cheryl New: Look at
• 24:14
  Cheryl New (2): how my parents are handling it.
• 24:15
  Christie: Right.
• 24:16
  Christie: Well, and like you started off saying at the beginning of the episode, um, that this is something we want to be, we want to have in our being, our core values for ourselves.
• 24:26
  Christie: You know, I think about the definition we gave our kids of integrity was being the same person, when nobody's looking Right.
• 24:33
  Christie: That's what we want, because we think just with our kids around.
• 24:37
  Christie: Quote unquote, nobody's looking, but our kids are watching who we really are when, when strangers aren't around.
• 24:43
  Christie: Exactly right.
• 24:44
  Cheryl New: And so that kind of covers these two first principles.
• 24:49
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 24:49
  Cheryl New: But they're foundational and all the rest of them build on of these.
• 24:53
  Cheryl New: So
• 24:53
  Christie: good.
• 24:54
  Christie: I just wanna encourage everyone to just get the book and go ahead.
• 24:57
  Christie: Yeah.
• 24:57
  Christie: And, um, read along with us while we're discussing this.
• 24:59
  Cheryl New: Yes.
• 25:00
  Cheryl New: So, doctors Townsend Cloud have everything you could possibly want, um, but get one, listen and follow along with us or.
• 25:08
  Cheryl New: Maybe have a group of other parents and say, Hey, this is really hard for me.
• 25:12
  Cheryl New: Let's meet over coffee and figure out how we can do it.
• 25:15
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 25:15
  Cheryl New: Mm-hmm.
• 25:15
  Cheryl New: It's great stuff.
• 25:16
  Cheryl New: Hey, thanks again.
• 25:17
  Cheryl New: Appreciate it.
• 25:18
  Cheryl New: Glad to be here.
• 25:19
  Cheryl New: So parents, remember, hang in there.
• 25:21
  Cheryl New: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 25:25
  Cheryl New (2): Before the day gets loud, take a moment with me.
• 25:30
  Cheryl New (2): Pick one small place to draw a kind line.
• 25:34
  Cheryl New (2): Say it simply, I'm with you and this part is yours to carry.
• 25:41
  Cheryl New (2): Then let the next outcome do the teaching while you stay steady and respectful.
• 25:49
  Cheryl New (2): If you catch yourself rescuing, that's okay.
• 25:53
  Cheryl New (2): Name it, repair.
• 25:55
  Cheryl New (2): And try again.
• 25:57
  Cheryl New (2): Notice the small wins.
• 26:00
  Cheryl New (2): A calmer tone, one less reminder, a child taking a tiny step towards ownership.
• 26:09
  Cheryl New (2): Those little shifts add up.
• 26:12
  Cheryl New (2): If you want more encouragement or want to share what you're trying at home, reach out at contact@theparentingpodcast.com or connect with us on the site or socials.
• 26:25
  Cheryl New (2): We'll keep learning this together.
• 26:27
  Cheryl New (2): One kind boundary at a time.
• 26:31
  Cheryl New (2): Until next time.