Latest / Privycast / Ep, 181 Golgothan - The Dogma Poop Monster

Transcript

Ep, 181 Golgothan - The Dogma Poop Monster · Privycast

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Imagine like an assassin.
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They're trained to hunt down and stealthily dispatch their target.
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Now imagine the assassin just reeks of poo.
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Just got crap stank royale.
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Cannot like-
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Welcome back to Privy.
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Privy is a podcast about bathrooms recorded from my home bathroom.
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I'm your host, Hunter Hoover, and I love bathrooms.
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Welcome back everyone.
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Thank you so much for being here and happy spooky season.
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Like we're gonna get into this and I'll launch this, but.
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There's been a lot going on.
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It's the busy season for me.
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and fall is always deceiving.
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It's kind of like a bad fast food burrito.
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Like for me, fall, I'm emotionally ready for fall before like I'm able to get physically and the world really is able to get physically ready for fall.
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And then there's the like jump the sharks, the like hobby lobbies.
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And really, I mean, for goodness sakes, I've got a festive holiday poppy today.
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I know, polar.
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I still am trying to win your good graces.
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Don't worry.
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I have a feeling next episode will feature a polar, but it's one of those tough things because fall both sneaks up on us and has the slowest run up to of any season.
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Like you can see it coming from a mile away and yet emotionally you're ready for it.
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I'm, I'm so.
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Deep in the thick of pumpkin spice right now, you have no idea.
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You have no idea how deep the pumpkin spice runs in these veins.
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But like a bad fast food burrito, you think you're ready for it.
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and then you house the burrito, and then that evening, the burrito strikes.
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You are met with the consequences of what was probably not truly being prepared for the burrito.
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And it's tough, it's a challenge for all.
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That's okay.
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It's tough because the mood and the vibe is fall, but the weather is still 80 degrees.
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The temperature's out.
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It's 75, 80 degrees and you're ready for fall festive fun, but it's not there.
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It's not time for it yet.
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And so emotionally we're ready.
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The calendar has told me it is fall, but alas, fall has yet to physically arrive.
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It's wild out here.
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tough.
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We've got a lot to celebrate.
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We've got a lot of fun coming up as we draw through the last quarter of our year together.
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But before we get deeper into, we, I have to acknowledge and I already meant to say it's October.
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If you're hearing this listener, it's the first week of October, which means it's officially time.
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to ring in Spoopky season.
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Now, I went out and I got myself, let's see if it'll fit over the headphones.
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I might have to switch to the, nah, nah, nah, we're good with that.
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A festive holiday plunger hat.
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The stick's a little more floppy than I like.
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I like a nice rigid stick, but happy Spoopky season everyone.
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And this Spoopky season, let's get it adjusted there.
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Let's get it.
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All adjusted real good.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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It's spooky season in the past on privy.
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And if we need to explain what spooky season is, it's kind of either like those who know, know what spooky season is.
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Um, but it's a combination really, I know it's very high brow hair.
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It's a combination of the word spooky and the word poop you see.
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poop in their key.
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I know the naming conventions that I have endeavored into are baffling, I'm sure.
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And as always, we want to kick off the season by me, Hunter, telling you and taking an opportunity to make you known about an adventure, an important venture.
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that I have been about in the past and I am going to be about this year.
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I'm going to double down on it for this year.
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And that is our annual October justice for the twist campaign.
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In short, if you don't know what justice for the twist is, go like, I don't know.
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My social is like covered in justice for the twist in the month of October.
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You can go peek at stuff in the past, but the problem is this to raise awareness is every year, one of the popular Halloween songs that gets propagated over the airwaves is a song
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colloquially known as the monster mash.
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I know, I know.
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But this song has been incorrectly or I would argue unjustly and wrongly named.
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Rather, the Monster Mash in the song we hear from the Cryptkeeper who is the person who invented the dance on which the song is named and in it when he awakes from his slumber,
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he sees the monsters doing his famous dance and he asks them
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What happened to my Transylvania twist?
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At which point Bobby Boris in the Crypt-Creeping 5 or whatever answer, it's now the mash.
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And they unjustly and inappropriately renamed the Crypt Keepers dance and accompanying song, the Monster Mash.
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Now justice for the twist is my campaign to recognize and realize that the Monster Mash should be called
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The Transylvania Twist and that the song that Bobby Boris and the Crypt Keepers have made called The Transylvania Twist is the soundtrack for the dance that the monsters do.
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Thus it should be called The Transylvania Twist sing-along dance version, obviously.
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Now, I know it's very important.
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You probably hear that and you go, man, there's a lot going on in this world, but I'm glad I can get behind a good cause like that.
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I agree.
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Now, how can you get involved?
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How can you play a part in justice for the twist?
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The first is to correct those who may attempt to call the Transylvania twist by its inappropriate and unjustly called name, the Monster Mash.
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How this looks, somebody's talking to you as like the song comes on.
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And I don't wanna get like struck.
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And they're like, oh, I love that song, the Monster Mash.
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This is where you get to say, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
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to prove to you, look, it says Monster Mash.
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And you're going to say, yes, I understand.
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The Universal Music Group and all of the record companies and all of the music distributing companies have leaned into the popular view that it's called the Monster
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Mash, but they are all wrong.
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And really it's a refusal to back down is the vibe that we need in this.
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The second way you can get involved is when you see pertinent justice for the twist posts on social, share those out using hashtag
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Right there, hashtag justice for the twist, no spaces.
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You can also feel free to create your own justice for the twist material.
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And really we want to saturate this.
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Now you can also use hashtag down with the mash, but justice for the twist is really captures the heart of what we're trying to accomplish here.
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Not just on privy, but me as a person hunter.
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So don't forget justice for the twist, share it out, look for it.
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There's going to be plenty out there.
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But now we got to get back to Spoopkey season.
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I've got a floppy plunger on my head.
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And I want to note we've covered a lot of topics for Spoopkey season in the past.
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We've discussed how the Haribo gummies, the sugar-free variety, make you poop.
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We turned into a molding of a past episode, turned into somewhat of a film.
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yeah, we're going to get this.
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We talked about Bigfoot.
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The fear of Bigfoot, bog bodies and the dead petrified bodies that they found in English bogs, the homunculus, the piss prophets, fecal fortune tellers, Japanese toilet demons and
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demons from beyond the toilet.
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And last year we discussed the vampire fish and its desire for your pee.
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Like I said, very highbrow.
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But in the vein of what was a classic privy cast
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online internet search afternoon.
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It turned into a molding of a past episode turned into a somewhat film review where I want to cover a creature that is very bathroom related and would need to be covered in honor of
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spooky season in due time.
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But before we do that, as always, I got to tell you the story about how we got
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A year or so ago, I was talking to a coworker about the TV show, Evil.
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It's very good, highly recommend.
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And I hope they make more evil someday.
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Not like the concept, but the show.
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It's pretty good.
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This coworker asked me if I had ever seen the movie Dogma.
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I had not.
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And they lent me the film, which I realize now I think I still have on my shelf.
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If you're hearing this, I'm sorry.
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I will view it and bring it back.
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And that's kind of where that interaction ended.
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I took the film.
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said, I don't get to watch movies very often.
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And they're like, yeah, that's fine.
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Watch it and bring it back whenever.
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Here we are almost two full calendar years later, I think.
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And I still haven't watched it.
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It's on my to-do list though.
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Then in preparation for Spooky Season 2024 last year, I had a list of bathroom related scary things that I wanted to look into and not enough time to look into them all.
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I know.
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Thus is the way of adulthood.
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It's a bummer.
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It's the nature of things.
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I threw one of them on the list and moved about my time, figuring I would get into it sometime in the future.
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and we would dive into it in a future Spooky Season.
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Then as this year's Spooky Season rolled around, I was like, man, what am I doing?
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What, what, do I got?
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What's on the docket for Spooky Season?
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And I started looking through my list only to be reminded of the first item that is sitting under my Spooky Season ideas.
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After a quick search, it became clear that this was something from a movie and that that movie was now not available anywhere for streaming.
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I know, bummer.
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But.
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I decided to just continue my research.
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I want to note, many people have a lot of opinions about this movie.
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which was consequently sitting on my shelf thanks to my coworker.
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And a lot of people's views about the movie are interesting at best.
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It's a fun piece of fiction, but because it has religious undertones, people are pretty upset thinking that it's in bad nature.
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I don't know.
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But this movie was unavailable to me.
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And so I began digging.
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And the background of the movie, I wanted to get into the history.
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The movie is Dogma by Kevin Smith and in an essay including the DVD bonus features of the sequel Dogma 2, the director and creator of the film shares where the idea Dogma came
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from.
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Kevin Smith's famous for his 1994 movie Clerks, but before he began working on Clerks, he took down ideas for a movie called quote God at the time.
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As he worked on Clerks, his
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The deity named movie continued to take shape on paper.
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Some early ideas were having 13 apostles, a muse character, and it centering around a group of high school characters.
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Think kind of like latter day stranger things.
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Get hyped for season five.
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By the time Clerks came out, he pretty much had God ready.
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But he moved on to Universal Studios to develop his next film called Mallrats.
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He didn't give up on the project while working on Mallrats.
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He actually decided on the name Dogma during this time, and it continued to undergo lots of changes in storyline and backstory and plot.
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Kevin Smith finished Mallrats and went to work on Chasing Amy, 1997, where he began to pick up some big name actors and actresses in show business that would join him for his
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movie.
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He finally began work on the film, which was set to release November 1998 by Miramax.
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But because of the film's controversial content, I noted that it has a lot of religious or religiously adjacent content.
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They kind of backed out and the distribution rights went to Lionsgate.
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The movie was postponed to the following year.
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When it released in theaters, I went to the theater the weekend that it released with my cousin.
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Not for dogma, but for Pokemon, the first movie.
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When the movie released, it was met with backlash from many in the religious community.
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who denounced the movie as blasphemous.
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Protests were staged outside the movie.
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Famous movie critic Roger Ebert wrote, we're free in this country to disagree about religion and blasphemy is not a crime.
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Well said, Roger.
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Well said.
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And while some criticism of the movie's themes, you know, like Roger said, just as you are entitled to your criticism, they are entitled to the art form that Kevin Smith chose here.
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That doesn't necessarily mean that you should go seek it out.
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But I got, this made me all wondering like, what's all the hubbub about?
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I decided to dive in and find out.
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In the movie Dogma, two fallen angels are banished from heaven to live in Wisconsin.
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Man, if they'd have banished them to Minnesota, it would have like been sending them to earth, or to hell, they went to earth.
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Their plan.
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in this banishment.
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is to turn into humans and undergo some Catholic rite, which would provide plenary indulgence.
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For those of you that don't know, plenary indulgence is where like you go do something and the Catholic church like allows you to go to heaven as if they had any say.
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And thus would allow them to get back to heaven, even though they've been kicked out.
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Bethany, a worker at an abortion clinic is told by a vision from God about their plan to do so and that if they succeed, it would overrule what God has said and as a result, undo
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the fabric of reality.
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As such, she has to team up to save the universe really.
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She's joined by the 13th apostle Rufus in the Muse Serendipity.
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Asrael.
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The seemingly driving force, like ultimate big, bad, bad guy, demon of the whole thing, begins to work overtime to get the fallen angels to accomplish this goal, and as such
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begins to work against Bethany and those who are attending her and helping her out.
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One of the helps throughout this ordeal that they run into are the quote, prophets of old Jay and Silent Bob.
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Jay and Silent Bob.
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are apparently some of Kevin Smith's recurring characters.
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Potheads who saved the day.
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In short, eventually they do that.
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They save the day and I'm convinced it's the very end of the movie which caused the stir where they say Bethany is pretty much the second Mary impregnated by God who is a,
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apparently a woman in the story.
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It's hard to follow.
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It's a mess.
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And that's a short synopsis of the film.
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But in his attempt to stop Bethany and the others in the movie, Asriel, the big bad, super bad demon, enlists or perhaps creates something called the Golgothan.
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And this is the creature that we are going to be talking about in full on this episode, spooky episode of Privy.
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Now, first things first, it's gonna do well for us to describe the appearance of the Golgothan.
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Like, what does it look like?
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Really, and I'll try to have images of this posted in the privy socials, but think if like Chewbacca was a seven foot tall bear shaped creature, but instead of being made of fur,
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he's actually just made out of like poo and sludge.
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Like that's what the Golgothans going on.
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That's the vibes it's giving me.
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It's not giving fall vibes.
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It's giving creepy, weird, Pooh Sludge Bear monster vibes.
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In dogma, this big bad Azrael demon is said to have made him out of the excrement of bodies that were crucified on Golgotha, which those with a keen ear and a heart inclined
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towards the word of God will note is the place where Jesus himself was crucified.
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Technically the Golgothan comes from multiple different popular crucifixion sites and technically he's more than just poop, blood and pee.
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He's really other bodily fluids from those who were crucified that then Azrael has decided let's get those bodily fluids together and make a super monster out
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And this would have been, he would have had a lot of materials to work with, sadly enough.
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When the Romans crucified their victims, when those victims would be at the point of death, sometimes they would lose continents.
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Other times they would cut them, strike them, do things to those crucified so that way their bodily fluids would come out of their bodies.
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The locations of these crucifixion sites would be covered in bodily fluids and solids and other waste material.
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for Asriel to go gather these up and create a weird poo monster out of it.
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It's not just gross.
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It's pretty sick and twisted.
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Technically, I also think then that the Golgothan is by definition a homunculus.
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You can go look at our episode about, you know what?
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Go listen to our episode about homunculi and tell us what you think.
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Is the Golgothan a homunculus?
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But for the sake of our discussion and for the movie dogma, he is a poop demon or a poop monster.
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In the story, the Golgothan is presented to the viewer for shock value and a little bit of potty humor.
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It's like, look at this terribly disgusting, slimy, sludgy, grotesque shiz monster.
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Like how awful.
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And what's even more interesting is.
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The actual creature, the thing that is being filmed is actually technically a puppet.
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This was a puppet poo creature in the world, the universe, the cannon, if you will, of dogma.
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Its classification is an excremental and is described as the most elite and feared assassin known throughout all time.
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As I understand it, in the film, after someone, J and Silent Bob are hanging out with, someone takes a dump in the strip club bathroom and the Golgothan emerges from it.
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Now, this is where, like, you have to suspend some disbelief.
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Because, like, what was Asriel doing?
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Walking around with, like, big old Tupperware containers full of crucifixion site dookie?
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Like it just doesn't make sense.
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How did the dookie get to the strip club over here?
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It's not worth thinking about.
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It's not important because the Golgothan is kind of a like a shock factor gag.
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He's the most, again, remember he's the most feared assassin, which is stupid, A, because he's made a poo.
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And if an assassin, imagine this.
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Imagine like an assassin.
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They're trained to hunt down and stealthily dispatch their target.
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Now imagine the assassin just reeks of poo.
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Just got crap stank royal, cannot like, the flies are following him, he's all slurpy, sludgy sounding when he's moving.
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The most extreme assassin, yeah right, and then you're thinking, well he's probably so powerful that he cannot be defeated, which is why he's such a good assassin.
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Well, in the movie, the Golgothan is defeated by a mere spray of air freshener.
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which keeps the odors out.
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And if there's any truth, which is just embarrassing, like.
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And I guess it's fitting, you know, like the best that a demon has to offer is a crap monster defeated by like glad pumpkin spice air spray.
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And that's some truth we can take from dogma.
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When you drop a big stank, a big stank deluxe, I don't turn to air freshener.
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I turn to candles and boy, do we have candles.
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We got a candle burner right now.
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It's actually Christmas scent from last year.
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We're trying to burn off the old Christmas scent.
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It's kind of tough.
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Regularly.
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I could defeat the Golgothan bajillion times over.
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Like if the Golgothan tried to run to me, I have within reach probably.
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nine products that I could dispatch his disgusting sludgy husk with.
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The Golgothan is sort of scary.
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He's very bathroom related and he is made of poop.
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And as a result, he is just what the doctor ordered for Spoop Key Season 2025.
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The Golgothan or poop demon from the movie Dog.
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Let us know if you've seen the movie and what you think of the Golgothan.
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Do you think I could defeat him easily with some air wick room spray?
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Shoot us an email privycast.gmail.com.
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We'd love to hear from you.
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can even comment Spotify has comments.
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And if you're listening in the pod bean app, which is our hosting platform, I don't talk about this much, but we're.
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I've loved being on pod bean pod bean has been very good to us.
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Uh, and there's a link in the ding dong below.
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If you're looking to start a podcast, use that link can't hurt, but.
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Leave us a comment.
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Let me know if you think that I would be in trouble or if I would easily dispatch the Golgothan because of his weak constitution against air fresheners.
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As I noted, send us an email privycast.gmail.com.
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Go on our website privy-cast.com.
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We'd love for you go over there.
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New episodes, updates.
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We do have a store that runs through Sticker Mule and we are working on more things coming soon.
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I know I've been saying that for some time, but we are working on.
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Follow us on social media.
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We're at privycast.
25:22
I'm at Owlette7.
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You can go follow me.
25:24
Share the social media stuff.
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Share the show online.
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Just go down right now.
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Hit that little share thing.
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Hit Facebook, hit Twitter, whatever, X, sorry, forgive me, Elon Husk.
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Just go share the show with a friend.
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Tell him, like, hey, this dude's wild.
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He put a plunger on his head and is talking about a poo monster for the last 20 minutes.
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ah We would love for you to do that.
25:46
Leave us a rating review.
25:47
The five star options are preferred.
25:49
Those rating reviews help others find the show.
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And every time you leave a rating review, we donate a dollar to the Wounded Warriors and Living Water International.
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As a reminder to keep pooping in the free world.
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This free world was not always free and in pursuit of cleaner water for all.
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Cause not everybody has it, but everybody should.
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This brings us to the end of another episode of privy.
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Thank you so much for being here.
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Thank you so much for listening.
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Keep pooping in the free world.
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Own your stank.
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Don't forget to arm yourself against the Golgothan when you go.
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And now as always, don't forget to flush.
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I'm not not knock my beverage.