Latest / Tone It Down / Reclaim Your Relationship’s Confidence & Connection with Sexual Wellness Coach Gabriella Espinosa

Transcript

Reclaim Your Relationship’s Confidence & Connection with Sexual Wellness Coach Gabriella Espinosa · Tone It Down

• 0:02
  This is your weekly girlfriend chat, the kind that we all crave, where we can show up exactly as we are, laugh until we cry, get honest about the things we're navigating and all the private girl talk that we need more of.
• 0:15
  No pressure, no perfection, just real women like us, sharing real stories with real connections.
• 0:22
  Over the years of Tonidab, I've learned that the most transformative moments don't always happen in a workout.
• 0:28
  They happen in those conversations before and after.
• 0:31
  when we realize we're all going through something, when we feel seen.
• 0:35
  And that's what Tone It Down is built on.
• 0:38
  My intention is simple, to help you tune back into yourself, to quiet the noise, and to remind you that you're allowed to evolve.
• 0:47
  This is Tone It Down.
• 0:54
  Welcome back to your Tone It Down podcast.
• 0:57
  It's your friend Karina here.
• 1:00
  How are you doing?
• 1:01
  How are you doing?
• 1:02
  All right, before we get into today's guest, this just might be a podcast that you want to schedule for a ladies' night to grab a glass of wine, some kombucha, maybe post-workout ladies' hang where all the good conversations happen after a workout and you have your Tone It Up protein.
• 1:19
  This is a conversation where even I was like, are we going to go there?
• 1:23
  And we are.
• 1:24
  It's one of those taboo, that shouldn't be taboo conversations about sexual wellness, which is all about wellness in general.
• 1:34
  Sexual wellness is also wellness, which is everything Tone It Up is about.
• 1:38
  Our physical wellness, mental wellness, our friendship, community wellness, just social wellness.
• 1:45
  It
• 1:45
  hydration wellness, everything is here.
• 1:49
  And I really want to make sure we're talking about all things 360 about wellness.
• 1:55
  So today's guest, we're going to dive into it girls, Gabriela Espinosa.
• 2:00
  She is a certified women's health and sexual wellness expert.
• 2:05
  So Gabriela, she's a wellness educator, a pleasure advocate on a mission to bust the mist and rewrite the narrative around midlife and menopause.
• 2:14
  She's also the host of Pleasure and the Pause, which is dedicated to empowering women to connect with their bodies, pleasure and power.
• 2:22
  She's currently executive producing a documentary called Hot, which explores midlife, sexuality through candid storytelling and medical expertise.
• 2:32
  And she sits on the board of Let's Talk Menopause, which is a national nonprofit leading the charge on menopause advocacy and education.
• 2:41
  You've seen her on Oprah Daily, Women's Health, to say the least.
• 2:45
  And this conversation...
• 2:47
  We talk about destigmatizing women's pleasure and sex.
• 2:52
  We learn about the language to talk about our experience, but instead learn how we haven't learned how to speak about our experiences, especially in peri and menopause and how our hormones are changing.
• 3:03
  Our estrogen levels are dropping.
• 3:05
  We talk about all the symptoms that are typically ignored.
• 3:09
  And we talk about just taking away that shame and making sure you're thriving and
• 3:15
  in these years of your life, like every year, because you deserve to shine and thrive and feel good and carry no shame.
• 3:22
  And we even have some props.
• 3:25
  Ladies, we're having sex ed.
• 3:27
  I'm 45 and I'm learning a lot here.
• 3:30
  We also answered a community question from Dawn.
• 3:34
  For those of you that left voicemails, thank you so much.
• 3:37
  I love getting your messages.
• 3:39
  If you didn't know, you can go to KarinaDawn.com slash message and leave a voicemail.
• 3:46
  And I love getting them.
• 3:47
  Sometimes I'll respond to you on there or we'll play them on the podcast and have myself or the experts answer it.
• 3:54
  So yes, Dawn, thank you for sending this question in.
• 4:00
  I hope you're with a lady.
• 4:01
  You can just open up these conversations, learn how to talk about sometimes the uncomfortable things, or maybe it's not uncomfortable for you.
• 4:09
  Like you got it down, then kudos to you.
• 4:11
  But a lot of us don't.
• 4:13
  And thank you, Gabriella, for sitting here with me in the podcast studio to educate.
• 4:20
  All right, before you go on to the podcast, pretty please, will you do me a favor and click subscribe on this podcast, however you're watching it.
• 4:30
  And I really appreciate that.
• 4:31
  It helps get great guests.
• 4:33
  And also don't forget, you can watch this on YouTube.
• 4:36
  You might want to because for some of the demos with the props here, you're gonna want YouTube.
• 4:41
  All right, enjoy, share this message with anyone you know, a girlfriend that needs to hear this too, and enjoy.
• 4:49
  Welcome to Tone It Down, Gabriela Espinosa.
• 4:53
  Thank you so much, Karina.
• 4:54
  It's such a pleasure to be here with you.
• 4:56
  Ladies, get ready for this conversation.
• 4:58
  It is not one that we've had yet on Tone It Down, but it's something that needs to be had more.
• 5:05
  Absolutely.
• 5:05
  And you are the expert in women's health and sexual wellness.
• 5:08
  And you were just pointing out the fact that sexual wellness is women's health.
• 5:14
  Absolutely.
• 5:14
  Sexual wellness is...
• 5:17
  is not separate from any other part of your health.
• 5:20
  Just like you take care of your skin, your muscles, your bones.
• 5:27
  Sexual wellness is essential to your overall health and well-being and pleasure sits right in the middle of that.
• 5:34
  So pleasure is wellness.
• 5:36
  Yeah, so get ready.
• 5:37
  We're going to talk about perimenopause, menopause, changes in hormones, all the things.
• 5:41
  But before we dive into that, how did you get into this work?
• 5:46
  Yeah, I love that question because it started from a place of silence, a place of darkness.
• 5:52
  I always say that perimenopause...
• 5:55
  left me feeling like I was totally in the dark.
• 5:59
  I was in my early to mid 40s when I started experiencing this intense sense of disconnection from myself.
• 6:08
  I had a beautiful life.
• 6:10
  I was married, had three kids, was living my best life abroad.
• 6:15
  We were living in London at the time.
• 6:18
  And I just started to feel that intense sense of just not feeling like myself.
• 6:23
  Rain fog, anxiety out of nowhere, and low libido.
• 6:29
  My desire, the light switched off, and literally I was left in the dark.
• 6:34
  I felt prepared for periods, for pregnancy, and...
• 6:39
  parenting, I read all the books, but perimenopause, there was total silence and darkness.
• 6:45
  Isn't that so interesting?
• 6:46
  It's almost like you're back to that, for me, 12-year-old girl who's like, what's happening to my body when my period comes?
• 6:53
  And for me, I didn't have anyone to talk to because my mom was out of the house.
• 6:57
  And so I was educating myself on that when I was young.
• 7:01
  And now I went into perimenopause at 37.
• 7:04
  And again,
• 7:07
  alone, went through all those symptoms that you were talking about.
• 7:10
  And so when that was happening to you, did you know what was happening with your body?
• 7:14
  I had no idea.
• 7:15
  I just felt, again, this sense of disconnection.
• 7:19
  I felt there's this term going around.
• 7:22
  I felt like blowing up my life.
• 7:24
  Everything felt so dark and heavy and oppressive.
• 7:28
  Motherhood, marriage, my life.
• 7:31
  I really literally wanted to run away and go live everything.
• 7:35
  In an ashram in the mountains somewhere.
• 7:37
  I think I went through that phase too.
• 7:38
  Yeah.
• 7:39
  And a lot of women experience that, that sense of just the world just caving in, you waking up and realizing what is going on.
• 7:47
  And yeah, going back to, you know, when we were younger, yeah, we would talk about it with our girlfriends.
• 7:51
  You know, I don't know if you read, Are You There, God?
• 7:53
  It's Me, Margaret.
• 7:54
  No, I probably should have.
• 7:55
  No, you didn't.
• 7:56
  know.
• 7:57
  Well, that was the book that taught me about periods and wearing a bra.
• 8:01
  And I'm like, I talked about it with my girlfriends.
• 8:04
  And so I had that.
• 8:05
  And then of course, you know, periods and pregnancy, I was already prepared for that, but nothing prepared me for perimenopause.
• 8:13
  And so there was this intense sense of...
• 8:18
  shame and realizing that I had no words, no language for it.
• 8:24
  I couldn't describe it.
• 8:25
  I felt, does this mean I'm getting old?
• 8:28
  Does this mean my sex life is over?
• 8:31
  Is my marriage over?
• 8:32
  You know, when there is no language to describe your inner experience, your inner emotional landscape, shame and silence fills that space.
• 8:43
  So there was a great degree of shame and silence.
• 8:46
  Yeah.
• 8:47
  So it's interesting because when I started having all those symptoms, I went to the doctor.
• 8:51
  My anxiety was through the roof.
• 8:52
  I'm like, what is this?
• 8:54
  Why am I feeling this?
• 8:55
  I could barely function.
• 8:57
  And I went to the doctor.
• 8:58
  I was like, I think I'm dying.
• 8:59
  And she did the EKG.
• 9:01
  She's like, you're perfectly fine.
• 9:03
  And she's like, I'm not prescribing you anti-anxiety meds.
• 9:06
  I'm like, that's not what I'm asking for.
• 9:07
  I don't want to be on anything.
• 9:08
  I just want to make sure I'm okay.
• 9:11
  But that was it.
• 9:11
  There wasn't anything beyond that.
• 9:13
  Like, let's do your blood work.
• 9:14
  Yeah, my symptoms were dismissed as being a busy mom of three.
• 9:18
  Yeah.
• 9:19
  A stressed out busy mom of three.
• 9:20
  So I was prescribed beta blockers and an antidepressant, which I said no thank you to.
• 9:27
  So that's what led me down this beautiful journey that I find myself in now, learning as much as I can about my body, about my hormones, about female sexuality, and...
• 9:39
  And realizing there's so much silence and taboo around this topic.
• 9:44
  And I said, no more silence, Gabriela.
• 9:46
  You need to really uncover, unmute that silence and start talking about this and normalizing conversations around this.
• 9:54
  And then once you started talking about it more and the changes that you made in your life to understand what was going on, how did your life and your emotions, like what did you have this freedom?
• 10:08
  Like, what did that feel like?
• 10:09
  Because I think somebody like, this is it.
• 10:12
  My life is over.
• 10:13
  I'm never going to be happy again.
• 10:14
  I'm never going to feel good again.
• 10:17
  Explain that.
• 10:18
  Yeah, it felt like this.
• 10:20
  burden, this weight that was on my shoulders completely lifted.
• 10:24
  And, you know, there was still some resistance around talking about it with my girlfriends.
• 10:29
  Some of them, I don't know if they were not going through these changes yet, but a lot of them kind of denied it or glossed over it again.
• 10:37
  We didn't have a language to talk about it.
• 10:39
  But I did start talking about it with my husband.
• 10:42
  I had to.
• 10:43
  And part of it was just saying, tuning into what I felt.
• 10:48
  So I was a yoga teacher at the time.
• 10:51
  I was very well versed on yoga.
• 10:55
  inner awareness, inner bodily sensations.
• 11:00
  I was always connected to myself in that way.
• 11:03
  And so I just started tuning in, tuning in and asking myself, what is it that I'm feeling?
• 11:08
  What is it that I want?
• 11:10
  Most women are never given permission to ask, what is it that I want?
• 11:16
  What is it that I need?
• 11:17
  What does my body need right now?
• 11:19
  And so with my husband, it sounded like
• 11:24
  especially when it came to intimacy.
• 11:26
  I need more time.
• 11:28
  I need more closeness.
• 11:29
  I want more hugs.
• 11:31
  I didn't know even that that meant intimacy, that that's what I needed.
• 11:35
  I just wanted more gentleness.
• 11:37
  Yeah.
• 11:38
  Do you find like in your marriage, are you still married?
• 11:42
  Yes.
• 11:43
  25 years.
• 11:44
  I'm going strong.
• 11:44
  I know.
• 11:45
  It's a tough world out there and lots of changes and ups and downs.
• 11:49
  And yeah, so going through that, number one, how did you approach talking to your husband about it?
• 11:54
  Because I believe there's still a lot of women who might have shame around it.
• 11:58
  Yeah.
• 11:59
  I mean, there were some bumps along the road, especially when it came to intimacy.
• 12:03
  We started our relationship, like most relationships.
• 12:07
  Yeah.
• 12:07
  beautifully in love, very hot.
• 12:10
  Wake up in the middle of the night.
• 12:12
  Very hot and heavy, couldn't take our hands off each other.
• 12:15
  And then three kids later, I felt overtouched.
• 12:20
  I just didn't want to be touched.
• 12:22
  I felt things were going too fast, too fast and hard for me.
• 12:27
  And so it really started like
• 12:30
  Saying to him, you know, I need something different.
• 12:34
  And or just rolling over in the middle of the act and saying, I can't do this anymore.
• 12:40
  Or sometimes if I didn't want to go there in that conversation, teary eyed and saying, this is what I need.
• 12:46
  This is not working for me.
• 12:48
  I need something else.
• 12:50
  Sometimes it just meant forfeiting my pleasure and just giving my pleasure away and letting him have his pleasure and me just kind of saying, okay, you know, maybe next time.
• 13:02
  Right.
• 13:02
  So then I can imagine, as I know, you then want it less and less.
• 13:07
  Of course.
• 13:08
  Yes.
• 13:08
  You want it less and less.
• 13:10
  I would do anything to avoid.
• 13:13
  Being seen after the shower, I would quickly get dressed.
• 13:17
  I wouldn't want him to see me to get, you know, turned on or aroused.
• 13:21
  I would spend inordinate amounts of times after the kids went to sleep doing all the admin for them, cleaning up the dishes, doing all the things while he was patiently waiting in bed.
• 13:31
  And I thought I would, you know, be busy enough until he dozed off to sleep.
• 13:36
  And, you know, that was it for a long time.
• 13:38
  And then you hold that in you because then there's a guilt that you carry.
• 13:41
  Yes.
• 13:41
  But that's the thing, you know, a lot of us during those parenting years or even now as midlife women, we're caregiving.
• 13:50
  Our parents are getting older or we're saying goodbye to teenagers who are leaving the nest.
• 13:55
  There's so much that we're going, our hormones are changing and female nervous systems are not equipped anymore.
• 14:02
  to receive and experience pleasure when they're on constant go mode, constant juggling mode, constant rushing from one thing to another.
• 14:14
  We're in survival mode.
• 14:15
  When our bodies are in survival mode, they're protecting us.
• 14:19
  They're protecting us from things that we can't move into yet.
• 14:23
  So they're protecting us from receiving, from giving.
• 14:27
  And then we think
• 14:30
  What is wrong with me?
• 14:31
  We wake up one day, am I broken?
• 14:33
  But our nervous systems are doing exactly what they're meant to do.
• 14:36
  They're protecting us.
• 14:37
  So let's go back to a significant other, a partner.
• 14:41
  And you're caring.
• 14:43
  He wants to be intimate and they can just be like, let's go.
• 14:47
  So a woman is listening.
• 14:48
  What would you say to her on how to communicate?
• 14:52
  You know, she's like, I don't want to hurt his feelings.
• 14:54
  He's feeling unattractive.
• 14:56
  He's feeling that she doesn't like him anymore.
• 14:59
  Like, what is something?
• 15:00
  And when you talk about intimacy, and I always have talked about, like, intimacy begins throughout the day.
• 15:08
  So she's listening.
• 15:10
  How can you give her the confidence of what she can say to her husband on what she needs?
• 15:15
  So I define intimacy as feeling what there is to be felt.
• 15:19
  It's not necessarily about sex and what happens in the bedroom, although that's definitely a big part of it.
• 15:25
  Feeling what there is to be felt in yourself.
• 15:27
  So it's connection to yourself and connection to your partner.
• 15:30
  And you're absolutely right.
• 15:32
  That starts earlier in the day.
• 15:35
  with the way that you say goodbye to your partner, the way that you look into each other's eyes and the way that you look after yourself.
• 15:42
  How are you looking after yourself?
• 15:45
  I say pleasure is a vitamin, just like you go out and get vitamin D, pleasure is vitamin P. So how are you nourishing your body with pleasure?
• 15:56
  I know you had Dr. Kabeca on the show and she talked about little micro moments of joy.
• 16:01
  I call them pleasure snacks.
• 16:03
  Yeah.
• 16:04
  And beginning in small little ways, what does it feel like when you go out for a walk and notice the sun caressing your skin?
• 16:15
  What does it feel like to move your body if you're in the gym?
• 16:19
  What does it feel like to engage those muscles and feel the strength of your body?
• 16:24
  Yeah.
• 16:24
  What does it feel like to sit down and savor, slow down and savor a beautiful meal?
• 16:30
  What does it feel like to notice the water on your skin as you're taking a shower?
• 16:34
  So tuning into those little moments of pleasure, those pleasure snacks, really noticing where does this feel good in my body?
• 16:43
  It widens your capacity.
• 16:45
  It widens your capacity to experience other forms of pleasure.
• 16:50
  So when you're filling up your cup with those pleasure snacks, you might think, oh, well, I want to experience another kind of pleasure with my partner.
• 16:59
  I want to be intimate in the bedroom.
• 17:02
  And definitely voicing this to your partner.
• 17:07
  Women need 20 to 45 minutes.
• 17:12
  to become fully aroused and ready for deeper intimacy, meaning penetration.
• 17:19
  So what can you do in those 20 to 45 minutes?
• 17:22
  You can cuddle.
• 17:23
  You can give each other a massage.
• 17:26
  You can wind down and debrief yourself on the day.
• 17:30
  You can talk about what you'd like to experience, where you want to go during your day.
• 17:36
  intimate encounter.
• 17:38
  So it's all about communication, all about connecting to yourself, connecting to another and communicating.
• 17:45
  What are a few examples of pleasure snacks of the day?
• 17:47
  Like I'm imagining like, oh my gosh, Bobby, he'll just touch me on my back.
• 17:52
  Like a little touch and like, oh my God.
• 17:54
  Oh, I know.
• 17:55
  That feels so good.
• 17:56
  Like a little like, hey, I'm here.
• 17:58
  Just passing by.
• 17:59
  Is that what you're talking about in terms of...
• 18:02
  In terms of there's pleasure snacks that you can give yourself.
• 18:05
  Moving your body, nourishing meals, feeling the sun on your skin.
• 18:09
  Dancing like nobody's watching in your kitchen, right?
• 18:13
  And sleep and managing your stress is so, so important.
• 18:17
  Again, lack of sleep and being on stress mode puts you in survival mode.
• 18:21
  And when you're in survival mode, you have no access to pleasure.
• 18:24
  So you really have to look after your sleep and how you manage your stress.
• 18:28
  Breath work is excellent for that.
• 18:30
  A little bit of mindfulness meditation.
• 18:32
  But then when you come into an intimate encounter with your partner, again,
• 18:37
  Start with your clothes on.
• 18:39
  You can start at dinner, cooking together, noticing how fun it is to cook together, eat together, share a meal together, wind down from the day, noticing how wonderful that feels.
• 18:52
  And then you can move on to the sofa and then start having a conversation, holding hands, looking into each other's eyes, aligning your breaths together.
• 19:03
  You know, just ask your partner, can we just breathe together for a little bit?
• 19:07
  That's what I need right now.
• 19:09
  Placing your hands on each other's hearts and taking a moment to sink your breaths together together.
• 19:16
  And then, yes, if touch is what you need, then ask for it.
• 19:20
  Ask for it.
• 19:20
  You know, I'd love for you to caress my arms or can you caress my legs?
• 19:25
  Give me a foot massage.
• 19:27
  When you experience those micro moments of pleasure, it moves your body into a receive and yes mode.
• 19:38
  Your body starts to open up and say, yes, I want more.
• 19:42
  So what I'm hearing here is takes you first with yourself, taking care of yourself in all the ways that you mentioned.
• 19:50
  And then, I mean, they always say that, you know, take care of yourself first so you can be the best version of yourself for those in your life that you love.
• 19:57
  Yeah.
• 19:58
  Absolutely.
• 19:59
  And you have to love yourself.
• 20:00
  Yes, it all starts with you.
• 20:02
  You can't be intimate with another person unless you become intimate with yourself and get to know yourself.
• 20:09
  So understand what lights you up.
• 20:12
  And a lot of that takes...
• 20:14
  time and intention, and a little bit of self-exploration through pleasure snacks.
• 20:20
  I also am a huge advocate for self-pleasure.
• 20:24
  So self-pleasure, there's a lot of taboo and shame around self-pleasure.
• 20:30
  Some people call it masturbation.
• 20:31
  Masturbation, it's very goal oriented.
• 20:34
  You want to reach orgasm.
• 20:35
  Self-pleasure is...
• 20:38
  You don't have to go there.
• 20:39
  It's a little bit more gentle, a little bit more accessible.
• 20:42
  It can include exploring your body through the tips of your finger, caressing your skin, your neck.
• 20:49
  Your whole body is full of pleasure points.
• 20:53
  So start exploring what feels good in your body.
• 20:56
  And then...
• 20:58
  You can literally take your partner's hand and show them, this is what feels good.
• 21:03
  This is where it feels good.
• 21:04
  Can you go?
• 21:05
  Can you touch here?
• 21:06
  Can you touch there?
• 21:07
  Can you touch a little bit softer, a little bit slower?
• 21:10
  And again, it's an exploration and invite your partner in.
• 21:13
  Just you can even...
• 21:14
  Tell your partner, hey, I listened to Karina and Gabriela on this podcast and they gave me so many ideas of how we can take our intimacy, our sex life to another level.
• 21:26
  I love being with you and I love connecting with you.
• 21:30
  We can take it to another level.
• 21:32
  Sexual pleasure is the next frontier of personal development and it takes two hours.
• 21:39
  to tango right you have you both have to have a growth mindset of like yes this can be better this can take us places we've never been before yeah that is a good idea because there can be a lot of shyness even when you came in and you're like i have brought some stuff that we can talk about i'm like let's do it never done it here before no reason we can't talk about it but yeah say gabriella and karina said this
• 22:03
  I want to shift a little bit to hormones and then come back to pleasure.
• 22:08
  But I got this voicemail from Dawn and I want to play it here.
• 22:12
  I love that you do that.
• 22:13
  You invite your listeners to.
• 22:15
  Hello, Gabriela and Karina.
• 22:18
  My name is Dawn and I'm in the Denver area.
• 22:22
  I've been a toned up girl since 2009.
• 22:24
  And I'm one of the older gals.
• 22:27
  I'll be 55 in the fall.
• 22:30
  And there is, as you may know, an estrogen patch shortage right now.
• 22:35
  So I have been weeks without my estrogen patch.
• 22:38
  So I was wondering if you had any suggestions or ideas on what to do while suffering the symptoms again of menopause and not having the support of estrogen.
• 22:51
  Thank you so much for answering this question.
• 22:55
  Yeah, that's really, really tough.
• 22:57
  Estrogen is such an important hormone.
• 23:00
  We have estrogen receptors all over our bodies and our brains, our hearts, our gut, our genital tissues.
• 23:08
  So when we are missing that, we're going to feel it in terms of mood, irritability, anger, loss of libido.
• 23:18
  So
• 23:20
  I know the estrogen patch shortage is a real thing.
• 23:23
  What I did when that happened here in Austin is I sought other forms of estrogen.
• 23:30
  So you can use a gel, you can use, there's estrogen compounded, estrogen creams.
• 23:36
  So the important thing is contact your doctor and talk to them about other forms of estrogen that you can take.
• 23:45
  You don't need to go cold turkey just because there are no patches available.
• 23:49
  You can use other forms of estrogen that are out there.
• 23:53
  And I was on the phone calling every pharmacy in Texas.
• 24:00
  Amazon Pharmacy is a great one.
• 24:03
  CVS has their own online pharmacy, although I know they're the main culprit of the shortage, but they have their own online pharmacy.
• 24:09
  Yeah, I was going to say, why is there a shortage?
• 24:10
  Because I'm sure for men, they're not short on
• 24:12
  Yeah, I mean, they're saying the demand is high and these pharmaceuticals can't keep up with the demand.
• 24:17
  I'm not sure if that's true, but it's really important to talk to your doctor about other forms of estrogen.
• 24:25
  And just to, you know, moving on to the sexual health side of things, I mentioned estrogen.
• 24:32
  We have estrogen receptors in our vagina and our vulvas.
• 24:36
  And so that can...
• 24:38
  lead to pain during intercourse, dryness, frequent UTIs, needing to go to the bathroom or leaking when you sneeze.
• 24:49
  Oh gosh, I experienced that too.
• 24:51
  The estrogen patches are systemic.
• 24:53
  Yeah.
• 24:53
  They're all over your body, but you can still use localized vaginal estrogen.
• 24:58
  So vaginal estrogen is separate from the patch.
• 25:02
  I often recommend and most doctors recommend using both.
• 25:06
  I brought a tube with me.
• 25:08
  So this is what vaginal estrogen looks like.
• 25:12
  I use the tube.
• 25:13
  It also comes in little pellets.
• 25:15
  This is the applicator.
• 25:16
  So you insert about five millimeters, about this much into the applicator and insert it vaginally.
• 25:25
  You can also use a little pea-sized amount and rub it on the vulva, around the clitoris, around the entrance to the vagina.
• 25:36
  Vaginal estrogen is known as liquid gold for your sexual health.
• 25:42
  I need to look into that.
• 25:44
  It's safe.
• 25:44
  It's been proven safe and effective by all medical bodies.
• 25:49
  And it helps with...
• 25:52
  revitalizing the vaginal vulval tissue.
• 25:54
  It helps with lubrication.
• 25:57
  It helps with blood flow.
• 25:59
  It helps by restoring the integrity of the tissue so things feel plump and juicy again and you feel more sensation.
• 26:08
  I definitely noticed, I actually recently went on vacation and didn't take my vaginal estrogen with me.
• 26:14
  And then, you know, everything was fine and great during the vacation.
• 26:17
  But then I came back and noticed my orgasms felt more muted.
• 26:24
  I was leaking from sneezing or coughing.
• 26:28
  And I'm like, what is going on?
• 26:30
  And so I went back and started using my vaginal estrogen twice a week.
• 26:34
  Okay, I was going to ask how often do you?
• 26:36
  Twice a week.
• 26:37
  And sure enough, after two weeks,
• 26:42
  I was back to normal.
• 26:44
  I felt sensation and blood flow to the area again.
• 26:48
  My orgasms felt good again.
• 26:49
  I wasn't leaking when I was sneezing, coughing.
• 26:54
  So it's a game changer.
• 26:56
  I highly, highly recommend that you talk to your doctor about vaginal estrogen, especially if you are experiencing those uncomfortable symptoms, which are known as
• 27:06
  genitourinary syndrome of menopause, GSM.
• 27:09
  There are constellation of symptoms.
• 27:11
  And it's not just part of getting old.
• 27:15
  It means your hormones are declining and you need to restore those hormones.
• 27:19
  There's something you can do and it's preventative.
• 27:22
  It's like using sunscreen on your skin to prevent sunburns or using toothpaste or flossing to prevent tooth decay.
• 27:31
  I guess you can kind of look at it as you get older too, you need more protein to keep your muscle mass.
• 27:36
  So you just need some more hormones and estrogen.
• 27:39
  Yes.
• 27:40
  So this is topical.
• 27:41
  It's only a tiny amount.
• 27:43
  So I know some people feel that they don't want to use systemic hormones like the patch or the cream.
• 27:49
  But this is a tiny amount that goes just locally to your vaginal tissue.
• 27:54
  And it maintains the health and integrity of the vaginal tissue.
• 27:59
  Even if you're not partnered.
• 28:01
  Some people think, well, I don't have a partner, so why does it matter?
• 28:04
  Your sexual health is health.
• 28:06
  And so you want to prevent that embarrassing leaking.
• 28:10
  You want to prevent those UTIs.
• 28:13
  You want to prevent that as you age down the road because that tissue continues to age with the loss of estrogen.
• 28:24
  All right.
• 28:25
  So I see you brought some props.
• 28:27
  Oh, yeah, yeah.
• 28:27
  I brought some pleasure tools.
• 28:29
  Some toys and some tools.
• 28:30
  Yeah.
• 28:30
  So, you know, one of the things that came into conversation with my husband and with myself first was I didn't know...
• 28:41
  my own sexual anatomy.
• 28:43
  I didn't know.
• 28:44
  I'm so embarrassed when I was in my 40s that the terminology of my sexual anatomy.
• 28:51
  So I brought... All right, girls, buckle up, have a seat.
• 28:55
  This is such a cute Volvo model.
• 28:57
  It's crocheted, hand crocheted.
• 29:00
  And I do want to say, if you want to see this on YouTube, check this out on YouTube, because we've got props here.
• 29:05
  Yes.
• 29:05
  Yes.
• 29:06
  So this is a little model of your vulva.
• 29:10
  So the vulva is all the external tissue, what you see if you go and take a good look at yourself in the mirror.
• 29:18
  So I highly recommend taking a mirror and taking a look at your vulva.
• 29:22
  You want to know what your normal is now so that you can notice if there are any changes that you need to alert your doctor to.
• 29:29
  So the vulva includes the clitoral glands, the little clitoral head bulb that's right here.
• 29:37
  The little clitoral bulb here.
• 29:38
  This is the hood of the clitoris.
• 29:40
  You have the inner lips, the outer lips.
• 29:44
  You have the entrance to the vagina or the vestibule.
• 29:48
  You also have the little...
• 29:50
  hole where urine comes from.
• 29:53
  You also have the perineum and you have the anus.
• 29:56
  All this external tissue is the vulva.
• 30:00
  The vagina is inside.
• 30:02
  It's the vaginal canal that connects to the uterus, right?
• 30:07
  And so where babies come out of.
• 30:09
  And so all this tissue is sensitive to estrogen.
• 30:13
  And the clitoris, I'll take the clitoris out.
• 30:16
  This is the clitoris.
• 30:17
  The clitoris is the sole organ for pleasure.
• 30:22
  It contains 10,000 nerve endings.
• 30:26
  And that's its purpose.
• 30:27
  And that's its purpose.
• 30:29
  Pleasure.
• 30:29
  And so fascinating statistics.
• 30:33
  80% of women orgasm through clitoral stimulation alone.
• 30:39
  And so...
• 30:40
  Part of the issue is it takes time, especially as we get older, it takes time.
• 30:46
  I think not even as you get older, for even younger women, it takes time to stimulate the clitoris.
• 30:53
  And what you want the clitoris to do, you want it to become engorged.
• 30:57
  You want to direct blood flow to the air.
• 30:59
  So I have another clitoral model here.
• 31:01
  This is what a fully engorged clitoris looks like.
• 31:06
  Yeah.
• 31:06
  Right.
• 31:06
  If you, some people like think and look at it and say, oh, it looks like a penis.
• 31:11
  Yeah.
• 31:12
  It has erectile tissue.
• 31:13
  I just know that it engorges that.
• 31:14
  Yeah.
• 31:15
  It has erectile tissue just like the penis.
• 31:17
  So here you have the clitoral glands, the clitoral legs.
• 31:23
  the clitoral bulbs.
• 31:26
  And if you notice, you know, you have the shaft of the clitoris, which is also very sensitive.
• 31:31
  If you see here, the clitoris hugs the vaginal canal.
• 31:36
  So when those bulbs or legs become engorged, it makes penetration easier and more comfortable and more pleasurable.
• 31:47
  The way to stimulate the clitoris is not going straight to the bulb.
• 31:51
  Some women are very sensitive to that.
• 31:53
  So the legs extend all the way down the outer and inner lips.
• 31:58
  So you want to just, with your fingers, use some beautiful water-based lubricant or aloe-based lubricant or silicon-based lubricant to massage the outer lips, the inner lips.
• 32:11
  You can palpate.
• 32:13
  And then as this area becomes engorged, you can then go to the clitoral bulb, the little sweet spot.
• 32:20
  And that really allows women to become fully aroused.
• 32:26
  It feels so good, so pleasurable.
• 32:28
  You don't have to go for the orgasm.
• 32:31
  Some women are just satisfied with stimulating that tissue.
• 32:34
  And so until this...
• 32:36
  area until the clitoral network is fully engorged.
• 32:39
  And you'll know it because your body will say, yes, I want more.
• 32:44
  You're really not ready to be penetrated.
• 32:46
  And what happens is a lot of women say yes to penetration before they're fully engorged, before they're fully stimulated.
• 32:55
  And they don't feel anything.
• 32:57
  They feel dissatisfied and they give their pleasure away for the sake of pleasing their partner.
• 33:02
  But this takes time and it takes curiosity.
• 33:05
  It takes fun.
• 33:06
  It takes a little exploration.
• 33:08
  I love using pleasure tools.
• 33:10
  So I brought here some tools from my favorite woman-owned company, Obu Love.
• 33:17
  And so all of these tools are meant for external vulval stimulation.
• 33:23
  So research shows that five to ten minutes of gentle external stimulation with a vibrator
• 33:32
  allows for blood flow to the tissue, allows for greater lubrication, greater arousal.
• 33:39
  It strengthens pelvic floor tone.
• 33:42
  So it's good for your health.
• 33:44
  It's good for your health.
• 33:45
  Ladies, don't be embarrassed.
• 33:47
  It's good for your health.
• 33:48
  And there's so much shame and taboo around self-pleasure.
• 33:51
  And people, one of the...
• 33:53
  The myths that I want to bust is that, oh, it replaces your partner.
• 33:58
  It can enhance your partnership.
• 34:01
  Bring it into the bedroom.
• 34:02
  Show your partner how you use it on yourself.
• 34:04
  So something like this, this is called the ooh vibrator.
• 34:08
  It's like a palm vibrator.
• 34:10
  You use it in your palm and you can just place it over the clitoris.
• 34:16
  Gentle, gentle vibration starts to...
• 34:20
  bring blood flow to the tissue, starts to engorge that clitoral tissue, starts to make you say, yes, I want more.
• 34:29
  So this is for the whole vulval network, right?
• 34:31
  It stimulates all the clitoral network.
• 34:34
  You have things like the smooch, which uses sonic waves to just stimulate the clitoral bulb.
• 34:43
  It feels like someone is smooching.
• 34:47
  It's literally that.
• 34:49
  So it uses gentle sonic waves.
• 34:52
  A lot of women love that direct stimulation to the clitoris.
• 34:56
  And then you have something like this, which is called the nook, which, again, allows you to stimulate different parts of the clitoral network, the clitoral bulb, the inner lips, the outer lips, down through the perineum.
• 35:12
  And you can even use it.
• 35:14
  This is you placing it, you know, you're placing it on your clitoris and you can use it while you're enjoying intimacy with a partner.
• 35:22
  Yeah.
• 35:23
  So again, because 80% of women experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation alone.
• 35:29
  you and your partner can share the pleasure.
• 35:32
  Why not?
• 35:33
  Right.
• 35:33
  So you can allow for penetration while you're having the clitoris stimulated.
• 35:38
  And sometimes this, this as well increases stimulation arousal to the vaginal network.
• 35:46
  So all kinds of pleasure when you allow curiosity and communication and permission to play.
• 35:55
  Do you feel like that curiosity and communication starts again with yourself?
• 35:59
  Absolutely.
• 36:00
  So I say explore these tools by yourself so that you know what feels good to you.
• 36:06
  You can do it.
• 36:06
  Some of them are waterproof, so you can do it in the shower if you're short on time.
• 36:12
  One thing that changes is, you know, as we move through perimenopause and menopause and we experience that decrease in estrogen levels, those 10,000 nerve endings, some of them are more become more sensitive to vibration and less sensitive to touch.
• 36:30
  So that's why pleasure tools are a great wellness tool to bring into the bedroom.
• 36:35
  So when you are playing with vibration, again, use different kinds of speeds, different kinds of vibration modes on your vibrator to see what feels good.
• 36:50
  And it may take a little bit of time.
• 36:51
  I know the first time I used a vibrator, I'm like, I don't feel anything.
• 36:54
  And literally, I felt numb.
• 36:56
  I felt numb.
• 36:58
  And my vulva and vaginal tissue, there was nothing.
• 37:00
  Is this hormonal?
• 37:01
  Yeah, it was hormonal.
• 37:03
  And so it takes a little bit of time to wake up that tissue.
• 37:07
  And so five to 10 minutes, two to three times a week to just gentle vibration to start waking up that tissue.
• 37:15
  And I've spoken to doctors on my podcast who have done studies on women that have shown that,
• 37:22
  That five to 10 minutes of gentle vibration increases lubrication, increases arousal, blood flow.
• 37:29
  I'm going to take it back to a fitness.
• 37:30
  You know, you got to build your muscle tissue by continuing to lift weights.
• 37:34
  So you've got to build your tissue.
• 37:37
  So ladies, if you've been a little dormant,
• 37:40
  You can do this.
• 37:40
  Yeah.
• 37:41
  And again, it doesn't require a partner.
• 37:43
  You can enjoy this solo.
• 37:44
  And this is health.
• 37:46
  This is pleasure is health.
• 37:49
  So if you could just say one thing to a woman listening who's like, I want to glow like you.
• 37:57
  I want to be confident like you.
• 37:59
  I want to feel again.
• 38:01
  Like, where does she even start?
• 38:03
  She's like, I want to have sex with my partner again.
• 38:06
  Yeah.
• 38:07
  If you want to want and you miss that connection, because some women say they're fine not having it.
• 38:14
  So I don't want, I don't like pressuring women to do that.
• 38:17
  But...
• 38:18
  Definitely starting with vaginal estrogen is important.
• 38:20
  That's the health part.
• 38:21
  But if you want to experience sexual pleasure, I start with connection, right?
• 38:28
  Again, starting, it's those micro moments during the day with yourself, with your partner, having that conversation.
• 38:36
  I like making a list of yucks and yums.
• 38:40
  Okay, let's go into that.
• 38:42
  Grab a pen, grab a paper, have a fun conversation.
• 38:47
  If you want to have a glass of wine because you're feeling a little bit, you know, intimidated or, you know, scared to have this conversation, make it fun, right?
• 38:56
  Although I would say don't have too much wine because alcohol does kill the pleasure buzz.
• 39:02
  You know, some women start to go numb when they drink too much.
• 39:06
  So,
• 39:07
  Whatever it takes to put on some sexy music, some candles, whatever it takes for you to feel comfortable to have this conversation.
• 39:14
  But it's such an important conversation you can start with.
• 39:17
  I heard Karina, my girl, I've been following since 2009, having this conversation about how in midlife.
• 39:27
  Pleasure, libido changes, especially for women and for men too.
• 39:32
  And I'd like us to try and play and go to different places with our sexual pleasure.
• 39:40
  So many people say that sexual pleasure is a place that you go.
• 39:44
  Where is it that you want to go?
• 39:45
  Do you want to go to the stratosphere?
• 39:47
  Do you want to go to the stars?
• 39:49
  Do you want to go into a nice, warm place?
• 39:53
  bathtub, pool of water, how is it that you want to feel?
• 39:55
  Where is it that you want to go?
• 39:56
  And so your list of yucks and yums could be anything, what kind of touch you like to receive, right?
• 40:04
  What is a must before you engage in sexual pleasure?
• 40:08
  So I, for me, I'm like, I have to feel clean.
• 40:11
  So I have to, I need to take a shower.
• 40:13
  Sorry.
• 40:14
  I need to go take a shower before we engage in any kind of sexual pleasure because I like to feel clean and that's fine.
• 40:20
  So if that's,
• 40:21
  It'd be nice if your partner also showered too, if that's what you want.
• 40:24
  Please do.
• 40:24
  So, yeah.
• 40:25
  So maybe that's your yak, having intercourse without taking a shower.
• 40:29
  Some people like it.
• 40:30
  You have to be sweaty and dirty, whatever.
• 40:33
  Make a list.
• 40:35
  How is it that you like to touch?
• 40:36
  How is it that you want to feel?
• 40:38
  Do you want to bring tools into the bedroom, right?
• 40:42
  Is there a place that you like to have and experience pleasure?
• 40:46
  Some people take it completely out of the bedroom because they feel like...
• 40:50
  the bed is just so weighed down with so many kind of pressures, right?
• 40:56
  So maybe the sofa, maybe, I don't know, the kitchen.
• 41:00
  Where would you like to explore pleasure?
• 41:02
  Put that on your yum list.
• 41:03
  Yeah, I feel like this is a great journaling practice because we journal about all our goals and the day and, you know, all of our feelings.
• 41:11
  Like this is great.
• 41:12
  Journal what perhaps you're
• 41:14
  your pleasure dream would be.
• 41:17
  So it's almost like you start writing it down and then you manifest it into real life.
• 41:22
  You get comfortable there and then you can say it out loud and then kind of like easing in.
• 41:28
  Yeah, and it gives your partner also the opportunity to voice their wants and their needs.
• 41:33
  I mean, I know...
• 41:35
  Many women say, I'm always focused on pleasing my partner.
• 41:39
  Okay, so yeah, have a list of what they want, right?
• 41:43
  Very important.
• 41:44
  But also have a list of what you like and what you don't like.
• 41:47
  And I love to start with the journaling prompt.
• 41:51
  What is it that I desire?
• 41:53
  Again, many women are never asked about their desires.
• 41:58
  So make a list of your desires.
• 42:01
  Don't be shy.
• 42:02
  Don't be shy.
• 42:03
  It can start with, I desire ice cream to, I desire, you know, 20 to 30 minutes of foreplay, right?
• 42:12
  Or I desire to be touched and held.
• 42:15
  Or I desire to be massaged.
• 42:18
  I desire foot massages, right?
• 42:21
  Belly massages, breast massages.
• 42:23
  What is it that you desire?
• 42:24
  I desire to feel good in my body and to feel good in my body.
• 42:31
  Again, I want to feel clean.
• 42:33
  I want to smell good.
• 42:34
  I want to have the lights dimmed.
• 42:37
  I want to have the candle on.
• 42:38
  I want to have this type of music playing.
• 42:41
  Just create your own pleasure sanctuary by making a list.
• 42:47
  And, you know, you don't have to always tick off all the boxes, but just start with small things.
• 42:54
  I love music and candles.
• 42:55
  So I just start there and then we'll take it from there.
• 42:58
  What about she's listening to this?
• 42:59
  She's like, I don't have 40 minutes.
• 43:01
  I don't have the time.
• 43:03
  I need to get my, you know, eight, seven, eight hours of sleep.
• 43:07
  What do you say to her?
• 43:09
  So I say schedule it in on other days.
• 43:14
  of the week.
• 43:15
  So I totally get it.
• 43:17
  By the end of the day, a lot of us are running on empty.
• 43:20
  We have no room to give or to receive.
• 43:22
  And if sleep is a priority, then schedule it.
• 43:26
  Schedule it for the weekend.
• 43:28
  Schedule it for the middle of the day.
• 43:29
  Schedule it for the morning.
• 43:32
  But prioritize it.
• 43:33
  Couples that prioritize pleasure and step into that prioritization with intention and communicating what they want to feel and experience...
• 43:43
  experience fulfilling sex lives.
• 43:46
  And it goes back to the story you shared in the beginning of what are you filling your calendar with in order to avoid?
• 43:53
  Yes, absolutely.
• 43:55
  You know, some of us may have children still at home.
• 43:59
  So I know that can feel like an obstacle to pleasure.
• 44:05
  But, you know, go out for a date night, maybe do a staycation, rent a hotel room if you need to do that, right?
• 44:14
  Rent a hotel room for the evening, hire a babysitter, experience what you want to experience there, just the two of you.
• 44:23
  If your kids are out of the house, sometimes couples are left like, oh my gosh, what do we do with all this time?
• 44:28
  They're kind of left like thinking crazy.
• 44:31
  I don't know.
• 44:31
  I don't know where to start.
• 44:33
  Part of us is still grieving that the kids are out of the house.
• 44:35
  But again, approach it with curiosity and play and fun and create time to do it.
• 44:44
  Okay, it's, you know, it's three o'clock on a Saturday afternoon.
• 44:50
  Let's make time for this.
• 44:52
  Create the space, create the environment and just take your time.
• 44:57
  Don't schedule anything that you have to race off afterwards.
• 45:01
  Just allow that to be your day and your priority.
• 45:05
  Well, Gabriella, thank you for sharing all of this and opening up this conversation for the Tone It Up community.
• 45:13
  And again, all the conversation, like, you know, some women aren't comfortable talking about it.
• 45:17
  Myself, I'm like, you know what, let's do it.
• 45:19
  You know, let's talk about it.
• 45:21
  We have to break the silence around our sexual health and pleasure.
• 45:26
  You know, I didn't talk about this earlier, but especially when it comes to our sexual health, empowering yourself with the language allows you to approach your doctor to get to receive the right type of support.
• 45:38
  25% of medical schools don't teach sexual health.
• 45:41
  80% of doctors won't bring up your sexual health unless you do.
• 45:46
  So if you're experiencing pain, dryness,
• 45:50
  burning, UTIs, talk about that.
• 45:52
  Talk about what it feels like.
• 45:54
  Talk, tell your doctor where you're experiencing that.
• 45:57
  And then also with your partner, 50% of women won't even bring up that they're experiencing pain during intercourse.
• 46:06
  Please don't stay silent with your partner.
• 46:08
  Your partner doesn't want to hurt you.
• 46:10
  Your partner wants to pleasure you.
• 46:12
  So if you have to take penetration off the table, start with external stimulation,
• 46:19
  Good vibes like a vibrator.
• 46:21
  It can be mutually pleasurable and beneficial.
• 46:25
  If you talk about it, talk about how you can give and receive pleasure and it becomes a conversation.
• 46:31
  And it doesn't have to be that way forever.
• 46:33
  You don't have to take penetration off the table or out of the bedroom forever.
• 46:37
  with the right kind of support and tools and being able to talk about it, you can restore pleasure.
• 46:43
  I like to say that sexual pleasure has no age limit or expiration date.
• 46:49
  It's with us for the rest of our lives.
• 46:53
  I have thoroughly enjoyed this conversation.
• 46:55
  I've gotten a lot of tips.
• 46:57
  I really appreciate you coming here and being so open.
• 47:00
  Oh, yeah.
• 47:00
  I love this conversation.
• 47:02
  I love you breaking the silence and normalizing this.
• 47:04
  Thank you.
• 47:05
  And of course, where can we all find you?
• 47:07
  Hang out with you more online, in person?
• 47:10
  Yes.
• 47:10
  So you can find me on Instagram at Gabriela Espinosa.
• 47:14
  You can also listen to my podcast where I have solo episodes where I talk about
• 47:19
  All of these things, pleasureinthepaws.com.
• 47:24
  And you can follow me there as well for any upcoming workshops and events that I like to host right here in Austin, Texas.
• 47:33
  I love it.
• 47:34
  Thank you so much.
• 47:34
  Thank you.