Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / TOP Jokes You Can't Skip | 🚨New Podcast, click link in description to listen

Transcript

TOP Jokes You Can't Skip | 🚨New Podcast, click link in description to listen · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: I live in New York and I love public transportation.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: For all the penises I've seen, I still love it.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know why?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm a really insecure person, like, especially about the way I look and how I'm doing in life at this point.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: So then I ride the bus and I feel better.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Do that.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Do that.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you're ever having a bad day, find a bus and ride it.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because you'll get on there and you'll look around and be like, I'm doing alright.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: No, the subway helps me so much with my insecurities.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: So much.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's wild.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: I sat down on the subway one time next to this Hasidic man.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: And before I continue on with this story, I just want to let you all know that I am Jewish.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: So everything I'm about to say is fine.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing you should know is I'm from Kentucky.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And in Kentucky, we don't have Hasidic Jews.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a thing.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's the curly cue Jews, by the way.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you guys know.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have them.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: So when I moved to New York and I saw them, I got all excited and I called my friends back home in Kentucky, and I was like, you guys, they have extreme Jews here.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: But what my friends were picturing was not a Hasidic Jew.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: My friends were picturing just like a guy going skydiving while wearing a yarmulke.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're picturing a guy who's like, eh, extreme Jew.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, a guy who's like, oh, I actually don't need a parachute.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: I have a Tali.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: So an important rule to know for Hasidic Jews is they have, it's this thing called Shomer Nagia, and it means that they're not allowed to touch members of the opposite sex if they're not related or married.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I sat down on the subway next to this Hasidic man.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And as I sat down, the train rocked, and then I accidentally brushed up against him.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then he intentionally recoiled away.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: He got as far away as he possibly could and started praying under his breath in Hebrew.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's the sexiest I've ever felt.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Hands down, hands down.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, I'm gonna violate a man's religion today.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: Still got it, you know.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_02: One of the things I missed the most, I couldn't find a good bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich when I moved here.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: I would go to the deli and I'd be like, Can I get a bacon, egg, and cheese?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: And they'd be like, I don't, you know, I don't know.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: And I said, I said all the I said it.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_02: I said all the stuff.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_02: Just do what I said.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_02: And they have their own version.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_02: It's it's fancier.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_02: They have like they call it a breakfast sandwich, and it normally has some type of a garnish on it.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: And um an aioli.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_02: Are you familiar familiar with aioli?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_02: It's like rich guy mayonnaise.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_02: And I didn't know I ordered a breakfast sandwich the first time I bit into it.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_02: I just got a mouthful of aioli, and I was like, you gotta warn, you gotta warn us.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: I've never had more empathy for women than in that.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_02: It's like you gotta say something.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: Is that what it's like?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want your unannounced rich guy mayonnaise on my mouth.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_02: I miss sarcasm.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: I feel like people on the East Coast are a lot more sarcastic than they are out here.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_02: You guys have a good sense of humor, but it's not the same.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_02: Um I get little, I look for it in people.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_02: I remember when we were moving out of our last apartment into our new apartment.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_02: My wife uh goes to the movers, which are just three giant Russian guys.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, We need to be out of this place and into our new place in three hours.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: Could we do that?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: What do you think about that?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: That's how much money we have.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_02: And one of the Russian guys goes to the other Russian guy, he goes, three hours.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe if magic happens.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, good.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: That is good.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_02: I love knowing that that guy has like maybe like six phrases in his back pocket to survive in a new country, and one of them is maybe if a magic were to happen.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_02: I love that.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_02: Anyone have anything else they miss?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_02: Do you miss anything speci do you live here now or you just visiting?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_02: You live here.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_02: Do you miss anything specific from New York?
• 5:12
  unknown: Uh-huh.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: Puerto Rican people?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: Jamaican people.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: Dominican, Dominican people.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, no, no, no, not Jamaican people.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_02: You can find, if you look, you could find them.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_02: I miss um, I miss having straight friends.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_02: You guys ever do those?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: I miss it, dude.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_02: All my my gay friends vastly outnumber my uh my straight friends.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know when that happened, but the ratio is off.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: And uh they took me to the parade.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: They took me gay guy parade.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_02: It was fine.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: I had a cool, fine time.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_02: Not a lot of notes coming from me.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: I do think I didn't super need to be there, if I'm being honest.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_02: I think there were too many straights at the gay parade.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think we need to go to everything.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: Not that allies are important.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_02: I think I think a gay guy needs a straight ally, like a band needs a bass player.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_02: I think it's good, you're doing a good job, you're being support, but you turn it down and you go over there.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: And you don't dress up like the lead singer and dance around.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_02: That's the lead singer's thing.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: When the bass player starts dressing like the lead singer, you're like, okay, Jeff, fucking take it easy.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm not gay, but I I was called gay every day in high school, so I did celebrate.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_02: I still get called gay sometimes.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_02: I got called gay recently for having a bidet.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: Do we think having a bidet is gay?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: Jerry's still out.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: Dude, if having a bidet is gay, I'm the gayest guy.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_02: That's my favorite place I've ever sat down.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_02: The pressure on that shit is it's alarming, too.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_02: I took the governor off.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_02: The pressure is I'm like Iron Man.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_02: I come up a little bit.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_02: That's how I get food out of my back teeth late at night.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_02: That's how I'm pressure on the bidet is.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_02: I love that thing, dude.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_02: I have a travel bidet now.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_02: That's how gay I am.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_02: Did you even know they made those?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: Dude, they hook they recharge USB C.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: It's beautiful.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: German engineering, probably, if I'm guessing.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just guessing.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_02: But it's great, that's the same technology as your phone, player.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_02: Sometimes it goes off in my bag when I'm going through TSA.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: And I gotta be like, it's not weird, it's for my ass.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_03: It's cool being a celebrity, you hang out with other celebrities.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_03: Um, one time I was right here in this comedy club, but this woman came up to me, I swear this is real life.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: She goes, Hey Taylor, that's so cool you're on America's Got Talent.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: I was also on a reality show.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, Oh, that's interesting.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_03: Uh, what show are you on?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: And she goes, hoarders.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: I don't know if you're familiar with the TV program Hoarders, but it's a show about filthy, disgusting people who you'd prefer mention to you that they want hoarders before you shake their hands with your hands.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_03: I'll be honest though, as disgusted as I was, I was also impressed.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_03: Equally.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_03: Do you know how disgusting you have to be to be invited to be on hoarders?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_03: Like, it's not like, you know, remember the end of Doubledare when it's like, if you want to be on Doubledare, send a self-ger stamped envelope.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: They don't provide this on hoarders.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_03: They find you, okay?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: They hear about you, they smell about you, they find you.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_03: This woman was probably sitting in her house one day.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_03: Then she heard her phone ring, she heard like the muffled phone ring noise, you know?
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_03: And then she went to where her phone usually is, and then uh her eight cats were on the phone.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_03: They weren't like on the phone, like meow meow, meow, how are you?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a cat, I'm a telephone.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: That's not what I meant.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: That's funny, though.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: That's funny.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_03: That's funny.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_03: I got it, that's not meant.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_03: And her eight-cats, they were on the phone, you know.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_03: She's like, Come on, guys, get off the phone.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_03: We got two rings left.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_03: Come on.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_03: Come on, why aren't you moving?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_03: And then she's like, Oh yeah, they died three years ago.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: I forgot.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: Disgusting.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: Weird, yeah.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_03: So then she scooped off all her dead cats.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_03: And she was like, hello?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: And the guy's like, Hi, this is Josh, the producer quarters, the show where we take filthy, disgusting people and we showcase them for the whole world to see how filthy and disgusting they are.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_03: Is Barbara available?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_03: And she's like, speaking?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_03: And he's like, Barbara, I'm so glad we connected.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_03: I've been trying to call you for six months, you never answered the phone.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_03: And she's like, I'm so sorry, I'm so embarrassed.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_03: I have my dead cats, they were on the phone.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_03: They were like on the phone, like, meow meow, I'm a ghost cat.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: I'm in heaven, we go to heaven too, such as dogs.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a cat, my father's dead.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a ghost cat.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_03: But don't worry, don't worry.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: Um, they're in the trash now, it's not gonna be a problem.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_03: And he's like, no, no, no, put them back, we'll use it for the show, we love it.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_03: This is great.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: I'm so glad we connected.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_03: I understand you've been collecting your toenails since 1972, and you categorize them by color.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_03: This man is so happy.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: We'd love to have you star in the next episode of Hoarders.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_03: Here's how the contract works, it'll air for the next hundred years.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_03: You'll be paid zero dollars.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: Everyone you know and love will disown you.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_03: And she's like, go on.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_04: You get the joke, you get the joke.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, go on.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_04: You get the joke.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_04: Dude, I love basketball.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_04: Basketball is my favorite sport.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_04: I really do love the way they dribble up and down the court.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_04: Uh it's been my favorite thing as far back as I can remember.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I don't think that's normal to love the same thing from four years old to 40.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_04: That's crazy.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_04: Uninterrupted.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_04: And I've loved basketball the same way my entire life, where I'm I'm obsessive, I'm always trying to like memorize statistics, I'm always trying to find like who is going to become the next big superstar in the NBA, right?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_04: And I just turned 40 and I did an audit of my Instagram account recently.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_04: I follow like 300 teenage boys.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_04: Like you know, like muscular, athletic, desperate teenage boys.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_04: Can't be good.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, man.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_04: I'm a fan of the, obviously I'm a fan of the Minnesota Timberwolves.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, I know you guys get it, but in most places, when I tell people I'm a fan of the Timberwolves, it's like telling someone I'm a cutter.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_04: You know what I'm saying?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_04: They're like, what?
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_04: Are you okay?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_04: And it's like, not really, no.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_04: Does it hurt?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, it hurts a lot.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_04: But I get off on it.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_04: They've been bad my whole life, but this year they're very good, and it's very exciting.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_04: And a lot of that is uh due to this guy on the Timberwolves, this this guy named uh Anthony Edwards.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_04: He's so good at basketball.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_04: He's such a muscular boy, and I love him.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_04: I love him.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_04: I was visiting my parents recently, and I was telling my mom about the Timberwolves, and I was telling her about Anthony Edwards, how much I loved him, and and I got kind of carried away because at one point I was like, Mom, I for real, I would jump in front of a bullet to save his life.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_04: That's how good he is at basketball.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_04: My mom was like, What?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_04: My mom's never heard me talk about anyone this way.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_04: And I could tell she was a little jealous because she went, What about me?
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_04: And I was like, What about you?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_04: She was like, Would you jump in front of a bullet to save my life?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_04: And then I'd be like, Yes, mother, I'd jump in front of a bullet to save your life.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_04: She didn't love my my level of sarcasm, uh, because she followed that with a a truly insane hypothetical, right?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_04: My my mom went, okay, Joe, let's say I was standing on the street next to Anthony Edwards.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_04: And I was like, Mom, that's the coolest thing you've ever done.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_04: And she's like, Okay, and let's say someone shot a gun in our direction, and you could jump in front of the bullet to save one of our lives.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_04: Who are you gonna save?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_04: Me or this Anthony Edwards?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_04: And I looked at her and I was like, Mom, you know that's unfair.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_04: That's so manipulative.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_04: You're my mother, I love you, you brought me into this world.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_04: You've lived a long life.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_04: You know, I don't want to tell you.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_04: What?
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_04: You want me to save you and let this beautiful boy die with his whole life ahead of him?
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_04: Absolutely not.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_04: It's like, mom, you did it.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_04: You raised two kids, you were a federal judge, you retired.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_04: None of those things has gotten me any closer to winning an NBA championship.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_04: Like, like, sorry.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_04: It's like, mom, you have no jump shot, your handles are trashed, like if my mom tried to play defense in the NBA, she'd get fucking cooked.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_04: Like, her ankles would break, she has osteoporosis, that's part of it.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_09: Like kind of a classic upbringing.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_09: My uh my mom stayed home, my dad worked, my mom, way too nice, I could get away with anything.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_09: Dad, he could get like too intense.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_09: You know, I always say if it was just me and my mom growing up, uh, I would be in jail right now.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_09: But if it was just me and my father, he would be in jail.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_09: And I would be in a wheelchair.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_09: No, I know.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_09: I mean, some of y'all, I know you had a dad like that.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_09: Like he never crossed the line, but he got pretty close.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_09: He got pretty close.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_09: Like, there's a handful of times I set my dad off.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_09: I'd just make him so mad he'd just scream out the first punishment that came to the top of his head, storm off.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_09: About 20 minutes later, he'd walk back out.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_09: All right, your mother and I discussed him.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_09: We determined you actually do not have to carry me on your back to my job every day.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_09: As previously shouted.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_09: They were a great happy meeting, the two of them.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_09: And I got my humor from them.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_09: They're they're always messing with each other, poking fun at us.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_09: It was a great atmosphere.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_09: My mom, she was the easy target, my poor mother.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_09: Just this uh last Thanksgiving, she always makes the turkey.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_09: I was giving her a hard time.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_09: I'm really laying into her.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_09: I'm like, mom, you overdo the turkey.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_09: I gotta be honest, we have tools now.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_09: We can check when it's perfectly cooked, take it out.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_09: Uh, because I don't know about y'all, Utah.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_09: I grew up in a household where they were like, we're pretty sure the meat's done.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_09: Let's cook it another four hours.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_09: I grew up dunking my chicken in water, just trying to get.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_09: I looked like Joey Chestnut on the 4th of July.
• 17:06
  unknown: Oh!
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_09: It's like past the A1, like, you don't need the flavor, I need the lubricant.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_09: We love to roast each other.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_09: I was roasting my mom, but you know, my mom, the thing about her, she'll roast you right back.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_09: And she's visiting my house soon.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_09: And it's very scary when your boomer mom comes to visit your situation.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_09: They always have thoughts.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_09: They do, don't they?
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_08: My mom is coming to town.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_08: She's gonna judge me up and down, but don't misunderstand.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_08: She won't lecture me.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_08: She's gonna do it passive aggressively with just a look.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_08: Tiss a boy love.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_08: Reminds me of my childhood.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_08: Gotta get it back real good.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_08: So I changed her password on Facebook.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_08: Thank you.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_09: She's like, you know what, Trey?
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_09: I'm just doing what my mom taught me to do.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_09: The cooking the turkey, whatever.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_09: I didn't grow up with all these phones, this and that.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_09: All I know is what my mom taught me.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_09: And it kind of occurred to me when we were eight months pregnant, we got thrown a million links, podcasts, YouTube videos, you name it, to prepare us.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_09: And it's kind of amazing any of our parents did as well as they did raising us, considering they apparently just winged it.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_09: I think my parents' philosophy was just like, uh, let's coach his little elite teams and hit them.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_09: Okay.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_09: But no, I know my dad loved me.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_09: You know, I think a lot of my generation we like to blame our dads for their problems.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_09: Blame your dad.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_09: You know, my fat my father didn't convey to me he loved me enough, so I have nervous poops to this day.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_09: It's like, well, did did your father ever show you he loved you with his actions?
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_09: It's like, well, he worked every day for 45 years with no sick days, but I never got a poem.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_09: Maybe he loved you, man.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_09: And I know my father loved me, but he was old school, right?
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_09: He did, you know, wipe some dirt on a kid.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_09: Real men, don't cry, be tough, be a man, all that good stuff.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_09: But as the years have gone on, my father's gotten more and more sensitive, very emotional.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_09: I feel like that happens with age.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_09: Now every time I see my father, I leave him, I'm like, all right, bye bye dad, love you.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_09: I'll talk to you later.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_09: He's like, all right, I love you so much.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_09: Oh, I hope you know how proud I am of you.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_09: I was like, well, it's too late now.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_09: It's too late.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_09: You used to whoop me for crying, so I'm a little confused.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_09: I'm a little happens with age, right?
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_09: My grandma, oh my grandmother.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_09: She she would she would give me the biggest bear hug, sloppy kiss on the cheek, and I swear, I swear year after year, her kisses were inching closer.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_09: And closer.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_09: Until I'm pretty sure one year our tongues touched a little bit.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_09: And teenage Trey thought he impregnated his gamut.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_09: That's what you taught me.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_09: I remember kids on the basketball team and being like, You ever done it before?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_09: I was like, Yeah, with my Grammy and I think.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_09: God rest her soul.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_09: She left us in 2020.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_09: 2020, she passed.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_09: Not of COVID.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_09: I feel like you have to say that.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_09: Don't worry, she did not believe in it.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_09: She did not.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_07: I'm woke.
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_07: I know all our righteous acts are filthy rags, but I'm woke.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_07: I understand that women got it tough with the whole beauty standards thing, all these weird shifting beauty standards that men are always applying.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_07: Thigh gap.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_07: Remember that?
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_07: Remember that nonsense?
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_07: If you don't remember thigh gap, there's this thing going around a few years back.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_07: It was this idea that in order to be considered at the top level of beauty, a woman, when her feet were together, there had to be like space between her thighs or something.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_07: Because I guess like no matter how attractive a woman can be.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_07: You'd rather see like what's on the other side of her.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_07: You'd rather see like half a mailbox or something.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_07: Who came up with that?
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_07: That's insane.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_07: Like some lunatic just woke up in some more, we need a fourth hole.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_07: I don't care.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_07: Put it above their knees.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_07: I'm insane.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_07: Thigh gap is crazy.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_07: What you're saying with thigh gap is that you want less woman whenever possible, which is like I guess that's the ideal woman for a man is less woman, you know?
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_07: Men woman whenever possible.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_07: You want like a woman who's like, you know, two foot six, we're 30 pounds, has translucent skin like a bat.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_07: I told you I was woke! No one ever believes me.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_07: Beauty standards, though.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_07: It's much tougher for a woman, obviously, you know.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_07: A woman got all these hoops they gotta jump through, you know, to attract a man.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_07: If a woman wants to attract a man, she's gotta get in shape and have her hair done and her nails done and her makeup tasteful, you know.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_07: She's gotta be confident but not too bold, and she's gotta be demure, but not too not too shy.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_07: She's gotta jump through all these hoops to attract a man.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_07: But if a man wants to attract a woman, it's much easier.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_07: If a man wants to attract a woman, all he's gotta do is kill Ronald Reagan.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_07: That's right, I've entered the fun facts portion of my set.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_07: Broop.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_07: Django suffers from night terrors.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_07: You all get those, right?
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_07: Night terrors.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_07: Wake up in the middle of the night paralyzed with the guy in the corner of the room.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_07: The midnight man.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_07: I hate that guy, man.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_07: I hate the midnight man.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_07: Like like what does this gesture even mean?
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_07: Use your words, midnight man.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_07: I don't care that you don't have a mouth.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_07: It's like I'm getting a little off track here.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_07: What was I talking about?
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_07: Men and women are different, right?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_07: No, I was talking about beauty standards.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_07: Men, women, sexuality, the whole thing, you know.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_07: Sexuality obviously is a big topic of discussion these days, you know.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_07: Everyone's always jawing about it.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_07: And I, you know, I'm I'm a modern, sensible person.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_07: I believe that sexuality is a spectrum.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_07: And it ranges from uh people who are going to heaven to triggered much to this.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_07: You're triggered.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_07: Don't pretend like you're not triggered.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_07: I said something mean and now you're unhappy about it.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_07: Check mate.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_07: No, sexuality though.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_07: That's the topic of the next joke.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_07: I consider myself heterosexual with maybe a caveat here and there, you know.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_07: Like, though I consider myself straight, I do enjoy Greek art.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_07: I'll go to a museum and see like a an ancient vase that features three nude Greek boys chasing each other around a mulberry bush.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_07: And I'll be like, huh.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_07: Now this speaks to me.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_07: If only life could imitate art, yeah.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_07: It's wild how the ancient Greeks invented both democracy and child molestation.
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_07: What an ambitious one-two punch.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_07: How could that possibly have even been received?
• 27:20
  SPEAKER_07: Like, wow, ancient Greeks, you got they probably called them regular Greeks back then.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_07: Wow, regular Greeks.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_07: You guys have invented representative democracy.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_07: Uh, Greece is now the cradle of civilization.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_07: What do you got next?
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_07: Cradle, huh?
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_07: To the bathhouses.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know if all of our kids.
• 27:55
  SPEAKER_07: I see the appeal though.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_07: All right?
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_07: Have a kid, have a little version of yourself.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_07: Teach them to fear what you fear.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know if I have what it takes to be a dad.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_07: I think maybe at best, I could be like an emotionally abusive stepfather.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_07: Why not?
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_07: I like Coors Light.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_07: I can see myself posting up on the couch.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_07: Where you going with them books, boy?
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_07: You go to the library.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_07: You go to the library to get more books.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_07: We never had no books in Kuwait, that's for sure.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_07: I feel like I've been doing a lot of glaring tonight.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_07: I realize that I can make people uncomfortable occasionally, you know.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_07: And that can be, you know, one-on-one conversation, or even when I'm just following them out to their car.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_07: I'm getting older though.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_07: There's no way around that.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_07: It happens suddenly.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_07: Right?
• 29:25
  SPEAKER_07: Getting older.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_07: One day you wake up, you're old, you have a favorite kind of cracker.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_07: You gotta fill out a form online, and to find your birth year, you gotta do that big price is right spin to get down there.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_07: Two fingers on the trackpad.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_07: Jeez, man.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_07: Not even the Lehman brothers bankruptcy yet.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_07: Getting older.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_07: My attention span is shortening by the day, especially when you compare it to what it was when I was a child.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_07: It's like when I was a kid, like I would just read books all day long.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_07: That's all I would do, day in and day out.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_07: We had this big chair in our living room, and I would just sit there and read books, you know.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_07: I was super cute.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_07: I would read books all day long.
• 30:31
  SPEAKER_07: I love reading, you know, I love reading stories about hobbits and boxcar children.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_07: I used to love those little hobos.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_07: But I'd read all day.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_07: You know, I'd wake up and I'd get to the big chair and I'd read the same book for like five hours straight.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_07: Then I'd sprint to the kitchen and eat lunch as quickly as I could so I could get back to the big chair and read the same book for like seven more hours.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_07: It's crazy.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_07: Because when you compare it against who I am now, it's like this deranged lunatic.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_07: Or every morning I just wake up like, God, my phone!
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, oh, oh thank God.
• 31:14
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, thank God, it's in my hands again.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_07: Okay.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_07: Okay, funny video, funny video.
• 31:21
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, that's funny, that's funny.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, the premise is taking too long to establish.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_07: Next video, next video, stab video.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, yeah, this will make me happy.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_07: Okay, stab video.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, the soldier is getting back from one of the countries.
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_07: That is dog's dare to greet him.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, I knew it would always work out.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_07: I need to buy something.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_07: I need to get something that'll make me happy.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_07: All the other things I bought didn't make me happy.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_07: This, this, oh hamburger gloves.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_07: I need the hamburger gloves.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_07: If I buy the hamburger gloves, that will be it.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_07: I'll be happy.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_07: All the other things didn't make me happy, but the hamburger gloves.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_07: Well, I need the company of a woman.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_07: I need companionship of a woman on the dating websites.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_07: Let's look at all the women on those.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_07: Our nose is weird.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_07: Next woman! Next woman! I don't like that woman.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_07: I need a better woman.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_07: She's using too many exclamation points.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_07: Next woman, no, I don't, I don't, that's not what I want.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_07: What I want is, what I want is, I don't remember what I what do I want?
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_07: I remember what I want, what I want, what I help me.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_07: Please, I don't want to help me, help me, help, help, help, help.
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_07: And at this point, it's like 8 15 a.m.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_07: Disgraceful.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_07: Kind of makes me wonder what happened to the uh little boy in the big chair, right?
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_07: I hope he's doing okay.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_01: Wherever he is.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_01: 25's a great age, by the way.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_01: It's a good age.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_01: I got a brother, he's 28.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's pretty cool.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_01: Big difference, though, between uh the younger people and me is that I was bullied relentlessly.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_01: Uh my brother did not experience this fate.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_01: I say bullied, it was more just like low-key sexual assault.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_01: It was a lot of like wrapping your dick around your wrist and asking a slow kid what time it is.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_01: He can't read a regular clock.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_01: Don't hit him with dick clock.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_01: Another cool one was you'd uh take your ball bag, put it on top of your buddy's hat, you know.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_01: I like, I like it, I like your yarmutka, you know.
• 33:31
  SPEAKER_05: That was that was a good one.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_01: Uh the worst one for sure was this game called Warm Up My Face.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_01: You sound like you played that game.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's the laugh of a victim.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_01: I would ask you if you ever play, but I don't want you to have a seizure, sir.
• 33:57
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want your fucking brain to pop.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_01: You're right to leave, I understand.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, why about my face went like this?
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_01: There was a bigger boy named Wyatt Mays, and he would come up to me in school and he'd be like, Sam, your face looks pretty cold.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I would say, Who fucking told you that?
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_01: My face is an adequate temperature, Wyatt.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_01: And he would say, I don't know, man, looks pretty cold to me.
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I would say, I will swear on any book you call holy.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_01: It is warm, Wyatt.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_01: And as I was begging and pleading, another kid named Anthony would kneel behind me, and Wyatt would shove me over him.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_01: As I was laying on my back, Wyatt would pull his pants down and sit on my face.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_01: Oh yeah, he was quite cunning, this Wyatt.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_01: He was an improviser.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_01: Then he would say, I bet your face is warm now, and I would say, Because I was wearing a boy as a mask.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_01: So I suffered that.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, but the young people, you guys had to deal with a whole different American calamity, which is the uh the deeply American problem of the school shooting.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_01: You had to live in fear of that.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_01: Just fucking go with me.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_01: Chill, alright?
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_01: I was bullied, you had to live in fear of the school shootings.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, you know.
• 35:18
  SPEAKER_01: Big difference.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_01: I will say this though.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_01: School shootings are a pretty effective means of bullying.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_01: Pretty efficient, really.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_01: Wyatt only had one butt.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_01: Imagine if he had a gun that shot 15 butts a second.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_01: He could have warmed up a lot of faces.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_01: See, it's a butt joke, everyone.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry, it's okay.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I never envied you guys.
• 35:55
  SPEAKER_01: One time I envied your situation.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_01: Because in sixth grade, uh I was on a field trip to the Denver Art Museum, and I was in the gifted and talented program, so I had to give a speech on a Picasso painting.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_01: And I had to like explain what the stars represented.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_01: And as I was up there boring my entire class, another kid came, Jesse came up behind me and pulled down my basketball shorts.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I was 5'10, you know, fucking 220 pounds, 11 years old.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_01: So it was adult body baby penis.
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_01: And this was pre-9-11.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_01: So there was no cloud cover.
• 36:36
  SPEAKER_01: It was just full pink snout right there.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_01: As I was standing up there exposed to my entire class, I would have much rather been shot in the fucking head.
• 36:48
  SPEAKER_01: That would have been a mercy killing.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_01: Because now I'm labeled, you know, adult body baby penis.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's all I am.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_01: Forever.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_01: I'm baby penis Sam.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_01: And even like if I'm shot later at a school shooting, they're not gonna remember me as friend to all Sam talent.
• 37:06
  SPEAKER_01: They're gonna be like, oh, did you hear about Sam?
• 37:08
  SPEAKER_01: No, what happened?
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, he was shot in that school shooting.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_01: Oh wait, baby dick Sam?
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, it's it's too bad.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_01: Where was where was he shot?
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely not the dick.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: The shooter didn't have a scope on that thing.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_01: He wasn't a sniper.
• 37:37
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, that's a difficult joke to tell.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_01: But hey, I'm from Colorado.
• 37:42
  SPEAKER_01: We kind of invented it, so it's okay, alright?
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_06: Any parents here who had to work really hard to make a baby?
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_06: There you go.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_06: God bless you.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_06: It takes a lot of trying.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_06: Took me and my wife two years of trying to make our baby.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_06: Two years of trying.
• 37:59
  SPEAKER_06: That's the term people use for coming in your wife.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_06: People are real comfortable with it.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_06: My mom would be like, are you guys trying?
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_06: Mom, are you asking if I'm blasting loads inside of Ashley?
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_06: Is that what you're asking?
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_06: Is that what you're asking comfortably at the dinner table?
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_06: Are you guys trying, huh?
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_06: Getting it in there.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_06: No butt stuff.
• 38:24
  SPEAKER_06: I want grandkids.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_06: My mom is obsessed with grandkids, dude.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_06: One time me and my wife were staying at my parents' house, and my wife was ovulating, because she's a little slut.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_06: And sorry, I don't believe in science.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_06: Um and my mom found out, and she goes, Hey, if you guys have to try, why don't you use our room?
• 38:47
  SPEAKER_06: She said, The bed's more comfortable up there.
• 38:51
  SPEAKER_06: She's like, it'll be quieter.
• 38:53
  SPEAKER_06: I'm like, it won't be quieter up here, though, while we're doing it.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_06: But it took us two years because my wife is 38, so she technically had a geriatric pregnancy.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_06: Do you know that's the offensive term they give to a middle-aged woman getting pregnant?
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_06: As if at 35 your vagina gets a little walker with tennis balls on it.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_06: Like a middle-aged woman opens her legs and all you see is a coupon for soup.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_06: But it's true, it takes longer when you're older.
• 39:22
  SPEAKER_06: You know, if you ever see a teenage girl who's pregnant, tip your hat.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_06: That's the smartest girl in the class.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_06: She ran the numbers.
• 39:29
  SPEAKER_06: I'm not kidding.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_06: If you have a teenage daughter, tell her to get knocked up now.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_06: IVF is expensive and she can take math at any point in the rest of her life.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_06: Because it's hard to get a woman pregnant when you're trying to do it.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_06: When you're not trying, pretty easy.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_06: You could sneeze on a woman a coachella, she's like, fuck twins! But when you are trying, it's tough.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_06: You gotta wait for a harvest moon.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_06: Pluck one feather off a goose, tickle her cooch for three or four minutes, while singing a John Mayer tune.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_06: Because here's what I didn't know about women's bodies.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_06: They're magical, they make babies, but they only do it two or three days a month.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_06: Ovaries only work two or three days a month.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_06: Ovaries are like government workers.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_06: They're always there, but they're never doing shit for anybody.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_06: Meanwhile, balls, it's not complex labor, but they're showing up every goddamn day.
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_06: Like illegal workers.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_06: Ready for hard labor.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_06: Unless you've been drinking, then it's less hard and more labor.
• 40:47
  SPEAKER_06: No, but really, I know we're close to Mexico, but balls really are the illegal immigrant of the body, aren't they?
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_06: Think about the dick gets all the credit, the balls are in the background, putting in the real hours.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_06: Sharing that little apartment.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_06: And everybody thinks they smell.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_06: So I'm sorry, I had to do three.
• 41:12
  SPEAKER_06: I had to do three.
• 41:18
  SPEAKER_06: So you get those three or four days and you gotta fuck like crazy in that window.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_06: Right?
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_06: And I'm 40.
• 41:23
  SPEAKER_06: I like to fuck twice a week, but there's a lot on Netflix.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_06: I'm sorry, I don't care how good your pussy is, it's not better than Squid Game.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_06: No way.
• 41:31
  SPEAKER_06: You know what I mean?
• 41:33
  SPEAKER_06: But you get those three or four days, two or three days, you gotta fuck constantly.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_06: I had to come six times in three days.
• 41:39
  SPEAKER_06: Six times.
• 41:40
  SPEAKER_06: That dude's super excited about all that coming.
• 41:43
  SPEAKER_06: Six times is too much for a man my age.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_06: The last time one sperm came out, it was one little hillbilly trucker hat wearing sperm.
• 41:53
  SPEAKER_06: Just like, what's that?
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_06: Everybody else went home.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_06: Still trying to beat that egg.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_06: And me and my wife, we were like, we want a baby, we want a baby, but we just we don't want to fuck each other.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_06: So I was like, we gotta find something to do.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_06: So we started watching porn during our baby-making attempts.
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_06: And that's a weird thing to do with your partner because you learn what each other are into.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_06: And sometimes you're like, I don't think you should be a parent.
• 42:29
  SPEAKER_06: Turns out my wife is some dark, dark, derogatory, misogynistic porn.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_06: Like she's a feminist, but not when it comes to porn.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_06: She likes see-I mean, she cried when Ruth Bader-Ginsburg died.
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_06: She likes seeing a woman take a load to the face from multiple angles.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_06: She's Hillary Clinton in the streets and a big old Bill Clinton in the sheets.
• 42:50
  SPEAKER_06: You understand what I'm saying?
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_06: And I'm pretty generic with porn.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_06: You got, you know, sir, right?
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_06: You know me and porn.
• 43:00
  SPEAKER_06: Right, Todd?
• 43:01
  SPEAKER_06: You know all about it, right?
• 43:03
  SPEAKER_06: I'm pretty generic with porn.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_06: I like two straight women pretending to be gay.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_06: Right?
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_06: A couple of American straight lesbians.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_06: Not my wife, no.
• 43:14
  SPEAKER_06: She likes that evil porn that's always up in the side of the red tube or the U porn or wherever the fuck you jerk off to.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_06: You know those evil videos of one woman and nine naked men standing around her?
• 43:24
  SPEAKER_06: And you're like, who's that for?
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_06: Turns out it's for the mother of my daughter.
• 43:28
  SPEAKER_06: That's who that's for.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_06: And she names each guy like they're in a little boy band.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_06: And I thought we were gonna have a male child.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_06: I thought we were gonna have a boy.
• 43:41
  SPEAKER_06: I have a lot of back hair, I watch the UFC, I thought we were gonna have a boy, you know?
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_06: So when we would jerk on, I mean, no, we would jerk on.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_06: Sorry, I was thinking about what I would do after the show.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_06: Um, but I thought we'd have a boy.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_06: I did, I thought we'd have a boy.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_06: So when we would watch porn to make the baby, I would always secretly save the link because I figured one day.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_06: I could give my son the lake.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_06: And when he turns 15, he can jerk off to the scene that made him.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_06: And I think that's what the kids call an NFT.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_06: No, it took us two years.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_06: It took us two years of trying to make this baby.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_06: And eventually my wife told me I had to check my semen, which was scary, because I have never checked my semen before.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_06: I have checked myself for semen.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_06: But I've never checked my semen, you know, and I'm like, dude, I don't know what's in my semen.
• 44:38
  SPEAKER_06: What if it turns out I'm gay?
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_06: You know what I mean?
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_06: Like, I don't know how this works.
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_06: Like, if we're gonna look at my semen, I want it to be phenomenal.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_06: You know, I want the doctor to hold it up to the light and be like, this is one guy! That's one guy! You sure that's not all four ninja turtles?
• 45:08
  SPEAKER_06: That's one guy.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_06: Gets on the intercom.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_06: Everybody get in here, you gotta see this.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_06: You gotta taste this.
• 45:18
  SPEAKER_06: I was like, I don't know if I want to check my semen.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_06: My wife goes, I make the money, you're gonna check your dick.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_06: Yes, ma'am, I will do that right now.
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_06: So we go to the fertility doctor, went to the fertility doctor, and he told us, he goes, Moe, you gotta give us a sample.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_06: You can do it here or you can do it at home.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_06: And I was like, How would I do it here?
• 45:32
  SPEAKER_06: And he said, Well, we have an iPad.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_06: And then he just lifted up an iPad in a Ziploc plastic bag.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_06: Just a little Ziploc plastic jerk-off slave iPad.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_06: Just staring out at me like, no! I don't want to do it again.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_06: Like all day long, this little camera stares up at 40-year-old men, like, why did I wait?
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_06: He's like, Yeah, we got an iPad.
• 45:55
  SPEAKER_06: I use it at lunch sometimes.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_06: I got it bookmarked.
• 46:02
  SPEAKER_06: And my wife's a doctor, like I said, so she's like, just jerk off in the cup, I'll bring it into the hospital where I work.
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_06: I'm like, yeah, but that just seems like a bitch move.
• 46:10
  SPEAKER_06: To be like, you take it.
• 46:14
  SPEAKER_06: You already make the money.
• 46:16
  SPEAKER_06: Now transport my broken jizz.
• 46:19
  SPEAKER_06: Like, no, I'm a man.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_06: I drive my own cup of jizz to the hospital while listening to Metallica.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_06: But here's the thing, and I don't want to gross you out, but this is true.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_06: On the cup, when you do this, it says you gotta get it to the hospital in one hour.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_06: You have to get it to the hospital in one hour, and it says you have to hold it to your body to keep it warm.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_06: So you gotta jerk off and then immediately cuddle your six million unborn ghost children.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_06: And I don't know how you guys jerk off, I do it butt-naked.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_06: That's just how I do it.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_06: Where are my butt-naked jerkers at?
• 46:47
  SPEAKER_06: Fuck yeah.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_06: I don't like sitting there with my pants down.
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_06: I feel like I'm trying to get away with something.
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_06: I feel like I snuck into my neighbor's house and I'm stealing Wi-Fi the old-fashioned way.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_06: So I had to jerk off the cup, get dressed, fight LA traffic, you know, and fuck, I stopped at Starbucks, that was a mistake.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_06: They were like, is that a gun?
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_06: I'm like, it's Jiz.
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_06: They're like, that's worse.
• 47:06
  SPEAKER_06: I'm like, oh, this jizz is for a kid.
• 47:10
  SPEAKER_06: I race into the hospital.
• 47:11
  SPEAKER_06: There's a big line to drop off the sample.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_06: It's like 24.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_06: You know, the time is, we're out of time.
• 47:15
  SPEAKER_06: It's mission impossible.
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_06: There's a big line, you know.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_06: But it said, if your sample has an expiration, you can cut the line.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_06: You know, I've lived in LA for years.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_06: I've lived in LA for years.
• 47:23
  SPEAKER_06: I can never get in anywhere.
• 47:25
  SPEAKER_06: It felt good to cut the line.
• 47:28
  SPEAKER_06: Felt like I knew the DJ.
• 47:29
  SPEAKER_06: I was like, yep, I'm here with Jiz.
• 47:30
  SPEAKER_06: What's up, Doc?
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_06: So I get up and I gotta hand my cup of Jiz to a nurse, a woman who knows I jerked off maximum 58 minutes ago.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_06: So she's looking at me like, well, he's pretty sweaty.
• 47:45
  SPEAKER_06: He might have done that in the elevator.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_06: And she had no tact.
• 47:50
  SPEAKER_06: I was like, uh, my sample has an expiration.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_06: She goes, semen?
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_06: Is it semen?
• 47:58
  SPEAKER_06: And an old man's like, why does he get the cut?
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_06: She's like, Siemen, sir.
• 48:03
  SPEAKER_06: Low grade.
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_06: So they tested it, right?
• 48:09
  SPEAKER_06: And guys, we always hear we have swimmers, but we assume, well, we got Michael Phelps, right?
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_06: That's what I got.
• 48:14
  SPEAKER_06: A little sack of Michael Phelps lovers swimmers, right?
• 48:17
  SPEAKER_06: That's what you got, Michael Phelps swimmers.
• 48:18
  SPEAKER_06: We just assume that's what I got, little Michael Phelps swimmers.
• 48:21
  SPEAKER_06: Not necessarily.
• 48:22
  SPEAKER_06: He might also have that fat kid at summer camp who swam in his t-shirt because he's got little bitch kits that would float in the water.
• 48:29
  SPEAKER_06: I think Travis was his name.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_06: That could be your swimmers.
• 48:35
  SPEAKER_06: Because the doctor said to me, he goes, Mo, you have good semen, but you have bad semen mobility.
• 48:42
  SPEAKER_06: So I was like, so my dick's like a parade float full of fat guys with bad angles?
• 48:45
  SPEAKER_06: Like, that's pretty much.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_06: First of all, I didn't even know like bad semen mobility.
• 48:52
  SPEAKER_06: Like, how mobile does semen have to be?
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_06: I'm putting it in my wife's body, I'm not putting it on her back like, good luck, fellas.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_06: You got a load of the rings quest ahead of you.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_06: So I was all bummed out, you know, I was all bummed out.
• 49:08
  SPEAKER_06: And then my wife, God bless her, says, I don't think you have bad semen mobility.
• 49:12
  SPEAKER_06: You should check again.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_06: I'm like, well, how would you know?
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_06: What do you feel?
• 49:14
  SPEAKER_06: I'm whipping around on little wave runners in there.
• 49:19
  SPEAKER_06: So I checked again.
• 49:20
  SPEAKER_06: The doctor goes, Oh, your semen's fine.
• 49:22
  SPEAKER_06: I was like, what happened last time?
• 49:23
  SPEAKER_06: And he said, Quote, sometimes balls have a bad day.
• 49:30
  SPEAKER_06: And I'm like, well, I'm about to shoot a comedy special.
• 49:33
  SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna have to name it that.
• 49:39
  SPEAKER_06: That's a lot of jizz talk.
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_06: It's a lot of jizz talk.
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_06: Thank you guys.
• 49:44
  SPEAKER_06: You guys stuck in there, you know.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_06: You stuck in there.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_06: I think one or two people actually came during that.
• 49:47
  SPEAKER_06: That was ironic.
• 49:51
  SPEAKER_10: Conspiracy theorist.
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_10: Oh, I'm into it.
• 49:56
  SPEAKER_10: But I'm not into the mainstream ones, like my dad.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_10: He's one of those guys that wouldn't get the get the vax, you know.
• 50:05
  SPEAKER_10: He's like, I don't want computer chips in my blood, Luke, and the government fucking tracking my whereabouts, dude.
• 50:12
  SPEAKER_10: I'm like, you have a smartphone.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_10: They know where you're at.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_10: Your location services are on.
• 50:18
  SPEAKER_10: They can find you.
• 50:20
  SPEAKER_10: It's also listening to you.
• 50:22
  SPEAKER_10: You know?
• 50:23
  SPEAKER_10: That's why when you go on like Amazon, it pre-predicts that you want to buy more wrestling t-shirts.
• 50:32
  SPEAKER_10: When you go on Pornhub, it knows you're into stepdaughter stuff.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_10: What?
• 50:38
  SPEAKER_10: He loves it.
• 50:40
  SPEAKER_10: He absolutely loves it.
• 50:44
  SPEAKER_10: He cannot get enough.
• 50:48
  SPEAKER_10: I don't know why I know that.
• 50:54
  SPEAKER_10: Not me though.
• 50:55
  SPEAKER_10: I'm a trailblazer.
• 50:57
  SPEAKER_10: I like to be the first guy that comes up with a conspiracy theory.
• 51:00
  SPEAKER_10: You know what I mean?
• 51:04
  SPEAKER_10: I think that JFK got shot by that Oswald guy.
• 51:10
  SPEAKER_10: I think we landed on the moon in 1969.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_10: I do not really think that there is more than meets the eye.
• 51:23
  SPEAKER_10: No funny business there.
• 51:25
  SPEAKER_10: I believe those ones.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_10: But I got, but I got but I got but I got a conspiracy theory for you.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_10: Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_10: My conspiracy theory.
• 51:40
  SPEAKER_10: Y'all know those packages of wet wipes that have the resealable tops, the ones that peel back the soft packs, you know I'm talking about.
• 51:52
  SPEAKER_10: I kinda think they make it hard for you.
• 51:54
  SPEAKER_10: Cause when you go to grab one, you always end up with two.
• 51:58
  SPEAKER_10: Then you're like, shit.
• 51:59
  SPEAKER_10: I only needed one, but now that they are in the open air, I guess what's done, it's done, and then they make it so hard to slip them things back inside of the package neatly.
• 52:10
  SPEAKER_10: I think they do that shit intentionally to make us use more wipes discreetly.
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_10: Can I get an Amen?
• 52:20
  SPEAKER_10: Motherfucking Amen.
• 52:23
  SPEAKER_10: I think it's messed up, yeah.
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_10: That big wipe would do that to us.
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_10: Fuck you, big wipe, for making us spend tens of dollars more per year on wipes.
• 52:37
  SPEAKER_10: That ain't in my budget, dude.
• 52:40
  SPEAKER_10: Don't even get me started on those stupid iPhone chargers.
• 52:46
  SPEAKER_10: I think they design them cords to break after four or five uses.
• 52:51
  SPEAKER_10: I think that women's clothing pockets are so small on purpose.
• 52:57
  SPEAKER_10: I think they're in cahoots to make you ladies still by purses.
• 53:05
  SPEAKER_10: Seriously, what you supposed to fit in those tiny little jeans pockets?
• 53:12
  SPEAKER_10: Serious question.
• 53:15
  SPEAKER_10: Like a single M.
• 53:18
  SPEAKER_10: But not a peanut Eminem.
• 53:21
  SPEAKER_10: Cause a peanut Eminem is a thick boy.
• 53:29
  SPEAKER_10: These lady jeans don't got the square footage for the chubby little MM.
• 53:38
  SPEAKER_10: Sometimes I think they change the name of shit.
• 53:41
  SPEAKER_10: Like we ain't gonna know to sit.
• 53:45
  SPEAKER_10: But you know we fucking known as it.
• 53:49
  SPEAKER_10: When I was growing up, my dad said, wrap it before you tap it, Luke.
• 53:54
  SPEAKER_10: You do not wanna get no genital wards, my dude.
• 53:59
  SPEAKER_10: But you don't really hear about genital wards no more.
• 54:05
  SPEAKER_10: Odd.
• 54:06
  SPEAKER_10: Did they go away?
• 54:09
  SPEAKER_10: They didn't.
• 54:11
  SPEAKER_10: There's still a room.
• 54:13
  SPEAKER_10: What's the most popular STD?
• 54:15
  SPEAKER_10: There is shut it out.
• 54:18
  SPEAKER_10: Herpes is wrong, but it says a lot about you.
• 54:27
  SPEAKER_10: That's a top fiver.
• 54:30
  SPEAKER_10: Herpes is a good guess, but it's HPV.
• 54:35
  SPEAKER_10: Yeah, little woo for HPV.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_10: Lotta HPV fans out in the crowd.
• 54:43
  SPEAKER_10: Human papillomavirus.
• 54:45
  SPEAKER_10: And like 90% of us have it.
• 54:48
  SPEAKER_10: And it mostly kills women.
• 54:51
  SPEAKER_10: Sure, yeah.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_10: Throw that on the pile of shit.
• 54:54
  SPEAKER_10: Only y'all gotta worry about.
• 54:57
  SPEAKER_10: Meanwhile, me and the boys out here spreading the bug.
• 55:01
  SPEAKER_10: Not wearing condoms.
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_10: Definitely does not work on it.
• 55:11
  SPEAKER_10: It feels so much more rad when you don't have H Eevey.
• 55:18
  SPEAKER_10: Human Pablo virus.
• 55:20
  SPEAKER_10: What's a Pablo Luke?
• 55:22
  SPEAKER_10: I'll save y'all a Google.
• 55:23
  SPEAKER_10: It's a motherfucking genital war.
• 55:26
  SPEAKER_10: We all have genital warts, you guys.
• 55:29
  SPEAKER_10: They just changed the name of that shit to make it sound less disgusting.
• 55:34
  SPEAKER_10: But we all have it.
• 55:37
  SPEAKER_10: So many people hating on Mayo.
• 55:41
  SPEAKER_10: And it's like we get it, Sarah.
• 55:45
  SPEAKER_10: You do not like mayonnaise.
• 55:49
  SPEAKER_10: Do you like Aeoli, Sarah?
• 55:53
  SPEAKER_10: Oh you do?
• 55:54
  SPEAKER_10: That's cool.
• 55:55
  SPEAKER_10: That's rad.
• 55:57
  SPEAKER_10: Cause it's literally mayonnaise.
• 56:01
  SPEAKER_10: You are eating mayonnaise.
• 56:03
  SPEAKER_10: They put garlic in it, but it's fucking mayo.
• 56:06
  SPEAKER_10: Quit lying to yourself, Sarah.
• 56:09
  SPEAKER_10: You're not better than us, Sarah.
• 56:12
  SPEAKER_10: What else is there?
• 56:14
  SPEAKER_10: Oh yeah, Epstein didn't kill himself.
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_10: Thank you.