Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Ask Amy & T.J.: “He Cheated, We Broke Up. Now His Life Looks Different, Should We Try Again?”

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Ask Amy & T.J.: “He Cheated, We Broke Up. Now His Life Looks Different, Should We Try Again?” · I Do, Part 2

0:02
Speaker 1: Hey, there are folks in our latest Yahoo advice column.
0:06
Speaker 1: Why d J. That's what she calls herself. She wrote
0:08
Speaker 1: into it. Why why d What G?
0:11
Speaker 2: He said?
0:11
Speaker 1: J Oh see, there's the thing y'all didn't know who
0:16
Speaker 1: she was anyway, But we're gonna be accurate. Why d G?
0:21
Speaker 1: Not why DJ? But why DJ wrote into us. She
0:25
Speaker 1: wants our advice, and maybe you can help award some
0:27
Speaker 1: advice as well. You see, her ex boyfriend X cheating
0:32
Speaker 1: boyfriend that she broke up with two years ago, has
0:35
Speaker 1: all of a sudden started liking a lot of her
0:38
Speaker 1: social media posts. And on top of that, she looked
0:41
Speaker 1: and it appears that he now has his shit together,
0:44
Speaker 1: So she's wondering should she give him now another chance?
0:49
Speaker 1: My advice, Calm down, robox advice girl, please, And with that,
0:54
Speaker 1: welcome to this Relationship Advice edition of Amy and TJ. Robes.
0:59
Speaker 2: This a.
1:02
Speaker 1: This one is the first one we've had that we
1:04
Speaker 1: both seem to strongly agree with what this person should do.
1:09
Speaker 1: But this is an interesting scenario.
1:11
Speaker 2: Yes, because you know, I think it's been two years
1:14
Speaker 2: since they broke up, and they did date four I
1:16
Speaker 2: believe it was five full years they were talking about marriage.
1:20
Speaker 2: The point being is during those two years, I think
1:24
Speaker 2: a lot of times, especially if you haven't found someone
1:27
Speaker 2: better or you haven't really moved on, you start remembering
1:31
Speaker 2: the good times and you start romanticizing what your relationship
1:36
Speaker 2: was like. And then yes, maybe if you hear or
1:38
Speaker 2: see he's doing well, he's got a pet, he has
1:41
Speaker 2: a they just s he's had a pet, not a dog. Fine, yeah,
1:45
Speaker 2: we will read the whole thing. But you start noticing
1:48
Speaker 2: that he's doing well, and suddenly maybe you're not feeling
1:50
Speaker 2: so great and you're thinking, maybe I need to go
1:53
Speaker 2: back to that, maybe I need to return to this person.
1:56
Speaker 2: And just from that standpoint alone, it doesn't sound like
2:00
Speaker 2: a very good idea.
2:01
Speaker 1: Okay, So her scenario, she wrote into us and again
2:05
Speaker 1: with our weekly Yahoo advice column, where folks write in
2:08
Speaker 1: with all kinds of not just we say relationships in
2:11
Speaker 1: terms of romantic relationships, but this could be anything. This
2:14
Speaker 1: applies to all kinds of things, friends, family. But she
2:18
Speaker 1: wrote into us and asking Amy and TJ my ex
2:21
Speaker 1: and I data for five years before we broke up,
2:23
Speaker 1: he cheated on me with my colleague. I was rightfully upset.
2:26
Speaker 1: We'd even started to talk about a future in marriage,
2:28
Speaker 1: so I didn't want to give him a second chance.
2:31
Speaker 1: But now it's been two years and I'm considering going
2:35
Speaker 1: back to him. He seems to have made real improvements
2:39
Speaker 1: in his life. He finally has a job, he bought
2:41
Speaker 1: an apartment, he even has a pet. Now I'm not
2:45
Speaker 1: sure how he managed to get his life in order
2:47
Speaker 1: so quickly, but I'm happy for him. I do think
2:51
Speaker 1: I miss him, and I've noticed he's been looking at
2:53
Speaker 1: my social media pages a lot. He's liked almost every
2:57
Speaker 1: single post I've made. Maybe that means should I go
3:01
Speaker 1: back to him? Or is it a waste of time? Signed?
3:06
Speaker 1: Why d G not? J huh? Is how she said?
3:10
Speaker 1: You know what, I forgot a part of this scenario?
3:13
Speaker 1: Where is it here? Made real improvements in his life?
3:17
Speaker 1: He seems to have made real improve provements in my life,
3:20
Speaker 1: and he I'm sure how he managed to get his
3:23
Speaker 1: life in order so quickly that I don't remember the
3:26
Speaker 1: first time around. What was it about his life with
3:28
Speaker 1: you that kept him from doing well? Is the thing
3:31
Speaker 1: that jumped in my mind a lot.
3:33
Speaker 2: We'll get to the viewer comments or the reader comments,
3:35
Speaker 2: but a lot of people pointed that out.
3:37
Speaker 1: Really I miss line.
3:38
Speaker 2: That sometimes like that. Actually, what if you reread, actually, YDG,
3:43
Speaker 2: if you reread your question to us, your message to us,
3:47
Speaker 2: you might find your answer. Right.
3:52
Speaker 1: We talk about this being able to separate yourself from
3:55
Speaker 1: If you saw someone else doing this or going through this,
3:57
Speaker 1: you would easily say, well, dugo. But when you're going
4:00
Speaker 1: through it, and it's not taking anything away from her
4:02
Speaker 1: feelings and where she is in life and what they
4:04
Speaker 1: might have had, and she might still be in love
4:06
Speaker 1: with this guy. I don't know, but the signs are there,
4:10
Speaker 1: and some of what she's saying.
4:11
Speaker 2: I didn't want to give him a second chance.
4:14
Speaker 3: Believe yourself, Trust where you were, Trust you made a
4:17
Speaker 3: good decision for yourself, and yes to your point, maybe
4:21
Speaker 3: even ask yourself, why wasn't he doing well when he
4:23
Speaker 3: was with you?
4:24
Speaker 1: And that's okay, that's painful. It's hard see someone get
4:28
Speaker 1: out of a life or relationship with you and all
4:31
Speaker 1: of a certain flourishes. That's just that's human nature, and
4:35
Speaker 1: that's that's just tough, and.
4:37
Speaker 2: It's human nature. Then to be the person who actually
4:39
Speaker 2: did the dumping, to say, wait a minute, well maybe
4:42
Speaker 2: I want that now. Maybe now I see the best
4:45
Speaker 2: version of him. Maybe I didn't see the best version
4:47
Speaker 2: of him, and truthfully, he could have worked on himself.
4:50
Speaker 2: He could have been broken hearted. We don't know all
4:52
Speaker 2: the details about her breaking up with them, and that
4:54
Speaker 2: could have been his catalyst to get his life in order.
4:57
Speaker 2: That could have been his reasoning for saying, hey, I
4:59
Speaker 2: need to take care of me. I have been trying
5:02
Speaker 2: too hard to do whatever, and now I can just
5:05
Speaker 2: focus on improving myself. And maybe he is and would
5:07
Speaker 2: be a better partner now. And I wrote this, I
5:10
Speaker 2: said this. I would never be the person who told
5:13
Speaker 2: someone don't go for it, don't try for love again,
5:16
Speaker 2: if she feels strongly about it and she really has
5:19
Speaker 2: real feelings about him, and she really has forgiven him
5:22
Speaker 2: and maybe done her own work on why the relationship
5:25
Speaker 2: wasn't good. I know some people don't like hearing this,
5:27
Speaker 2: but I don't think most people cheat out in a vacuum.
5:32
Speaker 2: I think that there's a symptom of a larger problem
5:35
Speaker 2: in the relationship. Possibly it's not always the case, but
5:37
Speaker 2: it could be a moment or an opportunity for the
5:39
Speaker 2: person the other person in the relationship to say, you know,
5:42
Speaker 2: I'm going to take this time to improve me and
5:45
Speaker 2: to make sure I'm a better partner, to make sure
5:47
Speaker 2: I'm a better human just in general to myself, even
5:49
Speaker 2: forget the other person.
5:50
Speaker 1: But that's not our nature to do that. It's not
5:52
Speaker 1: just look for somebody who checks all the boxes, but
5:54
Speaker 1: what we want instead of becoming something that extraally is
5:57
Speaker 1: a desirable She's going to have a problem here because
5:59
Speaker 1: he this is gonna be very difficult if he has
6:02
Speaker 1: become now the man she wants and always wanted. But
6:06
Speaker 1: now that he's that, she might not be the woman
6:08
Speaker 1: that he wants, right, And that's tough. He has grown,
6:11
Speaker 1: If he has, in fact, he has grown, he's different.
6:14
Speaker 1: He has a different perspective. And there are people everybody
6:17
Speaker 1: listening to our voices right now can think of someone
6:19
Speaker 1: in their life that they they married to have a
6:22
Speaker 1: long term relationship with, and now you're five or ten
6:25
Speaker 1: years removed. Go wow, I would never be interested in
6:29
Speaker 1: a person like that. Oh yes, you wouldn't like I
6:31
Speaker 1: would never be attracted to that now duh. But it's
6:34
Speaker 1: just where you are in the moment. And to your point,
6:38
Speaker 1: our thing was, don't sit and wait and wonder, reach
6:41
Speaker 1: out if you want to and get your answer. Better
6:43
Speaker 1: to get it now then have to do this again
6:45
Speaker 1: for another six months.
6:46
Speaker 2: Yes, that's the first thing I would say is go ahead,
6:48
Speaker 2: text him, DM him, take the leap and just see
6:52
Speaker 2: where he is and see how you feel when you
6:54
Speaker 2: meet him. I also believe this, having lived enough life
6:58
Speaker 2: and had enough relationships, I do believe there is a
7:01
Speaker 2: reason for some relationships. There is a season for some relationships,
7:05
Speaker 2: and there is a lifetime for other relationships. But they
7:08
Speaker 2: can't all be that. They're all going to cycle in
7:11
Speaker 2: and out. And I also believe that the person who
7:14
Speaker 2: you are in a relationship with your partner, they are
7:17
Speaker 2: your best teachers and you learn the most about yourself
7:21
Speaker 2: when you are actually committed to trying to make a
7:24
Speaker 2: relationship work, and when it doesn't work, that is the
7:28
Speaker 2: moment where you actually, I like to look at it
7:30
Speaker 2: like this, get the opportunity to work on yourself and
7:34
Speaker 2: be in a relationship with yourself, and then you are
7:38
Speaker 2: going to be the best partner. It does, but I
7:41
Speaker 2: mean it's it does sound cheesy.
7:44
Speaker 1: People their eyes or in one ear out the other,
7:46
Speaker 1: because it does.
7:47
Speaker 2: It sounds like but we all so quickly point the
7:50
Speaker 2: finger and all of us do this at the other person,
7:52
Speaker 2: at the other person in a relationship. They did this
7:55
Speaker 2: to me, so that's why I feel this way. This
7:58
Speaker 2: happened to me, and that's why I feel this way.
8:00
Speaker 2: But those are such opportunities to switch the narrative and say, wait,
8:04
Speaker 2: why am I feeling this way? What can I do
8:08
Speaker 2: to feel better for myself? Not expect someone else to
8:11
Speaker 2: do it for you. And so these are just the
8:12
Speaker 2: moments and relationships where it's sometimes breaking up is the
8:15
Speaker 2: best thing. And who knows. I mean, he could be
8:17
Speaker 2: feeling the same way. They both could have been working
8:19
Speaker 2: on themselves. It's hard to know exactly where she is.
8:23
Speaker 2: It's just by reading her question to us, it just
8:26
Speaker 2: kind of sounds like she's filled with regret because she's
8:32
Speaker 2: looking at something that she wants that she once had
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Speaker 2: and she's trying to justify it to herself instead of
8:40
Speaker 2: actually working on improving herself and moving on.
8:43
Speaker 1: I asked one thing before we get into the comments
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Speaker 1: from readers and the advice they were giving. I say
8:49
Speaker 1: this sometimes and women have called me on it when
8:51
Speaker 1: I talk about confidence, And while I say, it sounds
8:54
Speaker 1: so simple here, just reach out to them, Just reach
8:57
Speaker 1: out to the guy and say hey, this is what's
8:59
Speaker 1: going on social media texts. That's simple, get this done over.
9:04
Speaker 1: We're grown folks. We ain't got time to be messing around.
9:06
Speaker 1: And I have so many women call me on that TJ.
9:08
Speaker 1: You make it sound like it's so simple. That is
9:10
Speaker 1: difficult for a woman. It's difficult to make that move.
9:12
Speaker 1: It's difficult sometimes to have that confidence to be outgoing.
9:15
Speaker 1: Where do you come down? I guess that makes sense,
9:19
Speaker 1: but my comeback is always, you're grown ass woman. We
9:22
Speaker 1: don't have time for games. Ask a question. Either gonna
9:26
Speaker 1: like the answer or you're not, but you're gonna have
9:28
Speaker 1: one right now?
9:29
Speaker 2: You got nothing right. I think most suffering comes when
9:32
Speaker 2: you don't know, when you're in limbo, when you're wondering,
9:35
Speaker 2: what's he thinking, what's he feeling? Is this going to
9:38
Speaker 2: work out? That's where you start suffering. That's when you
9:41
Speaker 2: start spiraling. That's when you start going into worst case scenarios,
9:43
Speaker 2: and that's when your confidence crumbles. And so when you
9:48
Speaker 2: start feeling yourself going into that pattern, and we've all
9:51
Speaker 2: been there, what you have to ask yourself in those
9:54
Speaker 2: moments is what can I do to be the best
9:56
Speaker 2: version of myself and the rest will fall into place.
9:59
Speaker 2: You always say this attract, don't chase, but it shouldn't be.
10:02
Speaker 2: It's not even a manipulative thing or a game you're playing.
10:05
Speaker 2: It really is truly about investing in being your best self.
10:09
Speaker 2: And when you're your best self, you are going to
10:11
Speaker 2: be the most attractive person. You are going to have
10:14
Speaker 2: a better shot at getting someone else who's also in
10:17
Speaker 2: that space. But wondering chasing when you find yourself doing it,
10:21
Speaker 2: and again, I have been there, I'll probably be there again.
10:25
Speaker 2: You just can say, wait a minute, stop, stop, let's
10:28
Speaker 2: just do this with confidence and let me actually take
10:32
Speaker 2: a moment to believe in myself and to remind myself
10:35
Speaker 2: of what a great partner I am and can be.
10:39
Speaker 1: Well, I'm supposed to skip over the part where you
10:40
Speaker 1: said you're gonna end up there again, where you're doing
10:42
Speaker 1: something back and forth old or somebody you're dating. Did
10:44
Speaker 1: I miss the.
10:45
Speaker 2: No, I guess no, no, no, no no. My point
10:48
Speaker 2: is saying, I'm It's not like I make a decision
10:51
Speaker 2: and I'm suddenly perfect from here on out. I'm saying
10:53
Speaker 2: we all fall back into these patterns every now and then,
10:56
Speaker 2: it's about recognizing it. When your brain starts going back
10:58
Speaker 2: to the familiar, or your mind starts looping back to
11:01
Speaker 2: this negative, weak position, you have to go up there,
11:05
Speaker 2: I go again.
11:06
Speaker 1: Stops of dating something.
11:08
Speaker 2: Oh no, no, no, no, no no. I'm talking about
11:11
Speaker 2: the mind games we play with ourselves.
11:13
Speaker 1: Jeez, so fun.
11:16
Speaker 2: But I'm glad you asked so I could make sure
11:18
Speaker 2: I clarify that.
11:19
Speaker 1: You know, once again, though, you you go through the comments,
11:22
Speaker 1: it's mostly dudes.
11:23
Speaker 2: What this time, babe, I'm going to go with It
11:26
Speaker 2: was ninety five percent max, and they were clearly masculine
11:30
Speaker 2: names like Daniel, Steve, Ryan, you know, just like Mike.
11:36
Speaker 2: There was no possible. It was very specific. Beaver is
11:40
Speaker 2: the only one I don't know.
11:41
Speaker 1: Okay, but before you read them, can you tell me
11:44
Speaker 1: what was the general? Is there a general?
11:47
Speaker 2: So the few women who did write in most of
11:50
Speaker 2: them were like cheaters are always going to cheat? What
11:51
Speaker 2: did you expect? That kind of thing. But the men
11:55
Speaker 2: actually had really nuanced, interesting comments that I was kind
12:00
Speaker 2: of impressed with and surprised by.
12:02
Speaker 1: Can we start with Beaver?
12:03
Speaker 2: Yes, Beaver? So Beaver says this to our friend YDG.
12:09
Speaker 2: Let me get this straight. He cheated on her with
12:11
Speaker 2: her friend, and now she is considering taking him back.
12:14
Speaker 2: I don't think this woman had an active father in
12:17
Speaker 2: her life. Perhaps her mom tolerated it. Anyone ask yourself this,
12:22
Speaker 2: you catch the barista spitting in your coffee? Should you
12:25
Speaker 2: ever consider that barista again? Yes, people change, but if
12:30
Speaker 2: you tolerate it once, it will happen again. Seems she
12:33
Speaker 2: seems to be a poor judge of character and needs
12:36
Speaker 2: a new set of friends to hang out with. Sadly,
12:38
Speaker 2: her vote is worth yours or mine is probably worth
12:42
Speaker 2: more than yours, or mind. She's going to decide what
12:44
Speaker 2: she wants to do. But I thought that was fairly harsh.
12:47
Speaker 2: And yet I think a lot of people do think this,
12:49
Speaker 2: like hello, stupid, don't go back. And I think that
12:53
Speaker 2: that was a pretty common theme by a lot of folks.
12:56
Speaker 2: She's kind of saying, duh, don't go back to him.
12:59
Speaker 2: People can't change. I actually disagree with that. I think
13:02
Speaker 2: people can change, and I don't think that once a cheater,
13:06
Speaker 2: always a cheater. I think that that person probably has
13:08
Speaker 2: ego is just issues to work out.
13:11
Speaker 1: See. I haven't gone that far to the to considering
13:17
Speaker 1: the cheating part when they're getting back together. All I
13:20
Speaker 1: am sticking with is you said you don't want the guy,
13:24
Speaker 1: you say you want him. Now you want him because
13:29
Speaker 1: he's this, this, this, this and this. Then okay, that
13:32
Speaker 1: is not a consideration from cheating is not a consideration.
13:35
Speaker 2: She didn't even bring that up, didn't It is.
13:38
Speaker 1: Okay if she forgave him or who knows what happened,
13:41
Speaker 1: But it doesn't seem to be the issue. And I
13:43
Speaker 1: don't see the issue here her asking should I go
13:46
Speaker 1: back to a cheater or not?
13:48
Speaker 2: That's true.
13:48
Speaker 1: She's saying, should I go back to my ex? Yeah,
13:51
Speaker 1: we broke up, he cheated, but now he's this, this, this, this,
13:55
Speaker 1: and this. She's listing all these other things that are
13:58
Speaker 1: important to her. She's not asking about the cheating. Trust
14:03
Speaker 1: him again.
14:03
Speaker 2: She didn't ask that should I.
14:05
Speaker 1: Give him a second chance? Could I ever? Nothing? He's
14:09
Speaker 1: got a.
14:09
Speaker 2: Pet, that's so interesting pet.
14:13
Speaker 1: So yeah, it was a little hard, And it's hard
14:14
Speaker 1: here because we don't know enough about the boyfriend, the
14:17
Speaker 1: ex boyfriend to know what happened, and we've taken her
14:19
Speaker 1: word for it. Who knows how things went down, but
14:21
Speaker 1: let's take her at her word. He cheated, broke up.
14:24
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, So here's what Bill had to say
14:29
Speaker 2: to our friend CDG. I never fully trust people asking
14:33
Speaker 2: for advice like this to paint a clear picture of
14:35
Speaker 2: the relationship. That's kind of what you were saying, TJ.
14:38
Speaker 2: Relationships can be a lot more complicated than people present.
14:42
Speaker 2: To Shay, my first wife cheated on me. I could
14:46
Speaker 2: just leave it at that and look like a victim,
14:48
Speaker 2: but I became a bit too wrapped up in my
14:51
Speaker 2: career and didn't treat her very well. I was way
14:54
Speaker 2: more into being me than being part of a couple.
14:57
Speaker 2: I left her at home with two young children, and
14:59
Speaker 2: even when I was home, I wasn't mentally there. Does
15:02
Speaker 2: that totally excuse her cheating. I don't think so. But
15:06
Speaker 2: I wasn't the greatest guy either. I appreciate that.
15:09
Speaker 1: Post he gave some He just said, everybody, before you
15:13
Speaker 1: dump on her, dump on him, let me explain my story.
15:16
Speaker 1: I understand why. There's always some context there. That's Bills
15:20
Speaker 1: an adult, right. He admitted to a mistake that he
15:23
Speaker 1: made and how it might have contributed to the mistake.
15:28
Speaker 1: Everybody else is pointing at his wife for making He
15:31
Speaker 1: is taking some of that heat off of her. No,
15:33
Speaker 1: he's anonymous here, we won't get to know who it is.
15:35
Speaker 1: But that was. I love when people write in and
15:38
Speaker 1: are open and honest and sharing their own experience and
15:40
Speaker 1: how it could relate. That was. That was a good
15:43
Speaker 1: And it's tough, and lord knows, we understand context and
15:46
Speaker 1: complication is not as simple as it seems.
15:48
Speaker 2: Well, I think in a lot of relationships, especially if
15:51
Speaker 2: you can and I don't want to say claim to be,
15:53
Speaker 2: but if you are the wronged party, if you're the
15:54
Speaker 2: person who felt like they got cheated on and that
15:56
Speaker 2: you were blindsided, either by someone and being unfaithful or
16:01
Speaker 2: by someone just suddenly saying I want a divorce or
16:03
Speaker 2: I want to, you know, break up with you, A
16:06
Speaker 2: lot of folks will take that victim's status and say,
16:09
Speaker 2: I didn't see it coming. How could he do this
16:11
Speaker 2: to me? I do appreciate when people acknowledge and this
16:15
Speaker 2: this is hard to do, that relationships involve two people,
16:19
Speaker 2: and it's usually not a singular bad person and a
16:23
Speaker 2: singular good person. Everybody does things, and some people do
16:28
Speaker 2: worse things than others, for sure, but I just appreciate
16:29
Speaker 2: the nuance.
16:30
Speaker 1: All right, Well, we'll come back here. There's a guy
16:33
Speaker 1: named Ron and there's another guy named Don, and one
16:36
Speaker 1: of them has a very important question that they think
16:41
Speaker 1: are that they think our reader needs to ask, and
16:43
Speaker 1: the other has a story about divorce that you need
16:47
Speaker 1: to hear.
16:57
Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone to ask Amy and t where we
17:00
Speaker 2: go even deeper into our relationship advice column on Yahoo.
17:04
Speaker 2: And this week's question came to us from a young woman.
17:08
Speaker 2: I say, she's a young woman. I just kind of
17:11
Speaker 2: assumed she was Why DG, That's what she says. But
17:14
Speaker 2: she was dating her ex boyfriend for five years. They've
17:17
Speaker 2: been apart for two years. He cheated on her, she says,
17:20
Speaker 2: and that is why they broke up. But now he's
17:23
Speaker 2: got a job, he's got a dog, he seems to
17:25
Speaker 2: have his life together, and she is wondering if she
17:28
Speaker 2: should go back to him.
17:30
Speaker 1: So, yes, or women, a guy with a dog, does
17:33
Speaker 1: that suggests something about responsibility stability in life?
17:37
Speaker 3: Yes?
17:37
Speaker 2: I think when women, I'll speak for myself, see some
17:41
Speaker 2: guy who we are attracted to being just loving towards
17:47
Speaker 2: an animal or a child. There's something so sexy and
17:51
Speaker 2: attractive about that. Maybe it's our biology. Maybe we're trained
17:55
Speaker 2: or our biology tells us to go for be attracted
17:58
Speaker 2: to a man who can nurture and take care of
18:00
Speaker 2: another living being. That tells us we could be safe
18:03
Speaker 2: with him, we could have children with him. So yes,
18:06
Speaker 2: as a.
18:06
Speaker 1: Cat or a dog and iguana doesn't matter.
18:08
Speaker 2: No, it doesn't. I mean iguana maybe a little less
18:11
Speaker 2: but because I don't know how warm and fuzzy, yeah,
18:14
Speaker 2: a little weird. But cat dog, yes, I that is
18:16
Speaker 2: a very attractive quality because it shows your nurture. I think,
18:19
Speaker 2: and I do think, we are conditioned from an evolution
18:24
Speaker 2: standpoint to choose people who we think would take care
18:26
Speaker 2: of us and take care of people who are vulnerable. Yeah,
18:30
Speaker 2: that's very hot. That's why firefighters and lots of women
18:33
Speaker 2: like that kind of a thing, right.
18:35
Speaker 1: They say, exactly, people take issue with cops.
18:39
Speaker 2: I stopped, sure, I stop short of cops with firefighters.
18:43
Speaker 2: Who doesn't love a man in that kind of uniform?
18:45
Speaker 2: That's right?
18:46
Speaker 1: Wellfighter calendars are.
18:49
Speaker 2: Also all right, So we are we are. Actually we
18:53
Speaker 2: just plucked out We love love looking at all the
18:56
Speaker 2: comments in the Yahoo column, but we plucked out a
18:58
Speaker 2: few of them. We just thought they're interesting conversation starters.
19:01
Speaker 2: About this woman's dilemma, and so Ron wrote in and
19:04
Speaker 2: said this, listen up, ask him if he is interested
19:09
Speaker 2: in a future together. If so, tell him it will
19:13
Speaker 2: require counseling. At counseling, You're going to ask tough, core questions.
19:18
Speaker 2: Be ready as he may have some for you. At counseling,
19:22
Speaker 2: you can find out if you still want a future relationship.
19:25
Speaker 2: But the key is both being honest. And then it's funny,
19:29
Speaker 2: he said. Arrive at counseling separately, good luck. Why maybe
19:35
Speaker 2: you have time to really think about what you want
19:37
Speaker 2: to say and what you want to understand when you
19:41
Speaker 2: arrive separate, and then when you come together you're ready
19:44
Speaker 2: versus if you go together, or you're thinking about what
19:47
Speaker 2: the other person's going to say or do, and maybe
19:48
Speaker 2: you kind of get wrapped up in the US and
19:50
Speaker 2: we versus. What do I need? What do I want
19:53
Speaker 2: to hear? What do I want to know? That's my
19:55
Speaker 2: only guess because I've never heard that before. Arrive at
19:58
Speaker 2: counseling separately.
19:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you've talked about this. You've in some
20:01
Speaker 1: points in your life done some relationship counseling. Have you
20:04
Speaker 1: done it physically?
20:05
Speaker 2: I absolutely haven.
20:06
Speaker 1: And its not just a matter of romantic relationships. I
20:08
Speaker 1: could point out as well, that's true in all of
20:10
Speaker 1: those did you ride with the person to the place?
20:16
Speaker 2: In one instance, I remember not because I was coming
20:19
Speaker 2: from work, so that was different. But yeah, it is
20:23
Speaker 2: kind of weird going with the person who you were
20:25
Speaker 2: having an issue with. I guess I feel like I
20:29
Speaker 2: have gone separately most of the time and met them there.
20:33
Speaker 2: H yeah, I actually think so.
20:35
Speaker 1: What is a conversation on the way to therapy with
20:37
Speaker 1: the person who's going to It's.
20:40
Speaker 2: Kind of like, okay, so before we get in front
20:43
Speaker 2: of the microphone, and even when we were on television,
20:47
Speaker 2: one of the kind of golden cardinal rules is to
20:49
Speaker 2: not talk before you talk, because then somehow it's not
20:54
Speaker 2: either as authentic or it doesn't feel as real. So
20:56
Speaker 2: you just you save it. You've even said this to
20:59
Speaker 2: me when we were having an issue. Let's just not
21:02
Speaker 2: talk about this unless it's in front of a license professional.
21:06
Speaker 2: So then, okay, if you're not going to talk about
21:08
Speaker 2: what you're about to talk about because you want to
21:10
Speaker 2: make sure that the right person's listening and helping you navigate,
21:14
Speaker 2: maybe even referee, what do you talk about awkward small
21:18
Speaker 2: talk like weather's hot today? Like what do you do now?
21:22
Speaker 1: You don't go to therapy hating each other?
21:24
Speaker 2: Do you? Well, no, but you're uncomfortable. Probably if you're
21:27
Speaker 2: getting to that point, you're a little uncomfortable.
21:30
Speaker 1: Isn't the thing with the therapy is that where we
21:32
Speaker 1: can function just fine, dinner together, we can watch a
21:34
Speaker 1: movie together, but we have this issue we need to
21:37
Speaker 1: work on. So it's just that issue or I don't know,
21:39
Speaker 1: I guess I have I.
21:41
Speaker 2: Feel like so you know, obviously my my other relationships
21:44
Speaker 2: have ended, so it was interesting for me in therapy.
21:50
Speaker 2: It actually, I feel like, made things worse in a
21:52
Speaker 2: lot of ways because it opened things up to an
21:55
Speaker 2: even deeper level, which made it even more obvious that
21:58
Speaker 2: things were not going to work out. Like I feel
22:01
Speaker 2: like it was a scary thing to go because you
22:05
Speaker 2: have to be willing to accept what the outcome is.
22:08
Speaker 2: And sometimes you find out turns out we have nothing
22:12
Speaker 2: in common, turns out we don't agree on anything sometimes
22:18
Speaker 2: sometimes and sometimes well, and that doesn't last if you
22:21
Speaker 2: don't have the other things like respect and friendship. Love
22:27
Speaker 2: is a feeling. I actually really think I don't know
22:29
Speaker 2: that it's a When it's an action, it's different and
22:31
Speaker 2: it has to have other things behind it to survive.
22:35
Speaker 2: I believe done end. Sorry, we went to therapy with ourselves,
22:40
Speaker 2: all right? So yes, let's move on to oh yeah,
22:44
Speaker 2: because I skipped to Ron, Here's Don. I like Don's
22:48
Speaker 2: first line. We are all imperfect, and sometimes we genuinely
22:52
Speaker 2: make mistakes. Being too quick to break up can be
22:55
Speaker 2: disastrous for an individual. We should instead learn to be forgiving.
23:00
Speaker 2: Forgiveness is the key, not breakup. I made a mistake,
23:04
Speaker 2: which was partially due to my wife's error, and went
23:07
Speaker 2: with another lady. This was an error and I would
23:10
Speaker 2: have in no way continued what happened. I loved my
23:13
Speaker 2: wife and children. She was very tough with me and
23:16
Speaker 2: filed for a divorce. The judge gave her no alimony
23:19
Speaker 2: nor any share in the house. I did all I
23:22
Speaker 2: could to seek her forgiveness, but she wouldn't. Those who
23:25
Speaker 2: say she should not go back might be making a mistake.
23:28
Speaker 2: I think he still loves her, and that's why he
23:30
Speaker 2: keeps looking at her posts. My suggestion is that she
23:33
Speaker 2: has a conversation with him and be willing to forgive.
23:37
Speaker 2: Life would be better with more forgiveness. We all, inherit sin,
23:41
Speaker 2: are imperfect and will make mistakes. Be forgiving calm.
23:47
Speaker 1: That's very calm and measured response. And I think the
23:50
Speaker 1: key there is I think everybody have to agree. I
23:53
Speaker 1: know you said some women wrote in that leave no
23:55
Speaker 1: way you go back to him.
23:56
Speaker 2: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
23:57
Speaker 1: But he's I think we all just could have conversation
24:00
Speaker 1: with him. I think can we not just universally agree
24:03
Speaker 1: everyone have a conversation?
24:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know, I got again. I sound so cheesy,
24:08
Speaker 2: but I got chills reading that because we can all, yes,
24:12
Speaker 2: we all want that for ourselves. We can all apply
24:15
Speaker 2: that to someone else in our lives instead of holding
24:17
Speaker 2: on to this hate or needing them to be wrong,
24:20
Speaker 2: or needing them to have wronged, you to feel like
24:22
Speaker 2: you have purpose. A lot of times, you know, being
24:25
Speaker 2: a victim and maybe even wallowing in that gives you
24:29
Speaker 2: some sense of purpose and belonging and a reason to
24:33
Speaker 2: wake up to be angry. Like people actually get used
24:36
Speaker 2: to feeling that way, and letting it go can go
24:38
Speaker 2: a long way. I mean, this writer, this person who
24:43
Speaker 2: wrote in I feel his pain that he is truly
24:46
Speaker 2: sorry and made a mistake and I do think sometimes
24:49
Speaker 2: it's obviously more than just the mistake. I'm sure their
24:53
Speaker 2: marriage had much more significant complications which led to all
24:56
Speaker 2: of the above, but it felt heartfelt what he but
25:00
Speaker 2: he wrote in it's a good.
25:01
Speaker 1: One to end on and please don't make him say.
25:03
Speaker 1: Anybody who say cheating is an absolute deal breaker understand that. Yeah,
25:09
Speaker 1: absolutely understand that. But she's got to get to a point.
25:12
Speaker 1: I don't know if she has forgiven them, but you
25:16
Speaker 1: can forgive them and still move on. Just because you
25:19
Speaker 1: forgive them doesn't need you have to be with them.
25:21
Speaker 1: And yeah, you can be with them if you're still
25:24
Speaker 1: working to forgive them. All those things can happen. And
25:29
Speaker 1: I just wanted to talk to the guy I do too,
25:32
Speaker 1: Just ask a simple question. His response, His response might be, oh,
25:37
Speaker 1: my girlfriend, I just got engaged. Who knows what he's
25:41
Speaker 1: gonna say.
25:42
Speaker 2: But she'll know and she'll have closure. Either way, she'll
25:45
Speaker 2: either know that there's an opportunity or this is the
25:49
Speaker 2: end and that's okay. And maybe they can even have
25:51
Speaker 2: a kind of a wonderful parting conversation that didn't end
25:54
Speaker 2: with finger pointing and anger, but instead with acceptance and understanding.
25:58
Speaker 2: I think that would be a beautifull way either way
26:01
Speaker 2: to end this. But I actually would love we would
26:04
Speaker 2: love to hear why DG. Why wouldn't you love to
26:07
Speaker 2: know what she does? Oh?
26:08
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're gonna find that. We have to we have
26:10
Speaker 1: to follow up on this one. This is one everybody's
26:12
Speaker 1: very like. This is something very actionable, like one movie
26:15
Speaker 1: has some other people writing he's eh, you know, just
26:17
Speaker 1: don't change. Just about this advice and about how this
26:20
Speaker 1: is an action This is the most actionable advice we've given.
26:24
Speaker 1: Talk to the guy.
26:26
Speaker 2: Yeah, so Natalie is our producer. We're gonna see if
26:28
Speaker 2: we can follow up with why DG? And if we
26:30
Speaker 2: can find out what she decided to do or what
26:33
Speaker 2: she decided not to do, we will pass it along
26:36
Speaker 2: to you all. But in the meantime, we hope that
26:38
Speaker 2: you got some some level of understanding and some just
26:43
Speaker 2: it's it's interesting to hear, and it's nice to know
26:45
Speaker 2: that we're all not alone in this messy thing called relationships.
26:48
Speaker 2: That we all want perfect ones, but none of us
26:50
Speaker 2: have them, and and maybe we can all learn from
26:52
Speaker 2: each other. So thanks for listening to us on this Saturday.
26:55
Speaker 2: We hope you have a wonderful weekend. I'm Amy roboch On,
26:58
Speaker 2: behalf of TJ Holmes. Thanks for listening.