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why do you feel like you're not enough? · feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell

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  Why do you feel like you're never enough?
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  No matter what you accomplish, no matter what you do with your
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  life, you feel like you are never enough.
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  And it's not loud. You don't hate yourself for it,
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  but there's always a little voice in your head telling you
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  that you are not doing enough, that you're not where you're
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  supposed to be, that you're not healing fast enough, that you're
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  not being productive enough. You can be doing everything
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  right, and yet there's still something missing.
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  You feel like you're falling behind.
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  You feel like you're failing at a life that everyone else around
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  you seems to understand. If this sounds like you, just
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  know this feeling is incredibly common and it doesn't mean that
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  something's wrong with you. My name is Ethan Jewell and
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  welcome back to Feel Your Feelings.
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  I felt this way for much of my life.
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  I've always felt like I should be doing more, I should be
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  accomplishing more, I should be healing faster.
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  There's this little voice in my head that's always there, and
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  it's not me, it's something else entirely.
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  But there's just this feeling that I'm not enough.
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  So where does this come from? Why do we feel this way?
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  Most people think that feeling like we're not enough comes from
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  low confidence, but the truth is, it often comes from
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  pressure. Pressure to be further along.
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  Pressure to be healed by now. Pressure to be happier, calmer,
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  and more secure than you actually feel.
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  And somewhere along the line, you internalized a timeline for
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  your life. A timeline that doesn't exist in
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  reality, but you started telling yourself, by this age, I should
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  feel better by now. I should be more healed by now.
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  I should be more confident by now.
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  This pain and this trauma that I've been feeling shouldn't hurt
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  anymore. You started telling yourself
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  that the path that you're on is incorrect, that each step you
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  take is wrong, that every direction you decide to go is
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  making you worse. That you are not doing enough.
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  And when your real life doesn't match that expected timeline,
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  your brain starts to look for an answer, starts to look for an
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  explanation. And you know what the easiest
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  explanation is? It must be me.
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  Not your circumstances, not your nervous system, not your
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  experiences, not your real life. No, it must be you.
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  You must not be doing enough. You're not where you quote
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  should be because you're not doing enough.
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  Because your experiences are not leading you in the right
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  direction. You're not being productive
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  enough. And when you believe in your
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  heart that you are not enough, it changes how you move through
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  the real world. This made-up world of
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  expectations, a made-up timeline of where you should be, directly
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  influences how you act and how you feel in the real world.
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  You overthink everything. You second guess yourself
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  constantly. You minimize your progress
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  because it doesn't feel big enough.
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  Nothing is ever enough. You wait to start things until
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  you feel more ready. You hold back joy because it
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  feels undeserved. You turn growth into proof that
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  you were failing, and eventually you don't just feel like you're
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  not enough. You start living it like your
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  life is a draft, like you're only allowed to relax once you
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  fix yourself. You don't feel like you're not
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  enough because you're not enough.
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  You feel that way because you're measuring a version of life that
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  doesn't exist against your real life and your real experiences.
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  You're comparing your messy, human, still figuring it out
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  experience to an imaginary version of where you should be
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  by now. And no one, I mean no one, has
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  ever healed by convincing themselves that they are failing
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  at being a human. Because you are not supposed to
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  be anywhere. You are enough as you are.
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  Simply existing is enough. Getting through the day is
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  enough. These unrealistic expectations
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  are ruining you. You don't have to be more.
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  You don't have to be more productive.
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  You don't have to be more healed.
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  You don't have to be doing more to be enough.
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  You simply are enough by existing exactly as you are.
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  You're not behind. You're not broken.
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  You're doing just fine. But this feeling, it eats away
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  at you. It eats away at every
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  accomplishment that you have, at every achievement that you
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  reach, every moment that you commit to your healing journey.
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  You are constantly talking back on yourself because you don't
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  feel like you're doing enough. And this is a difficult thing to
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  deal with. Maybe part of your healing
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  journey was simply getting through the day.
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  But at the end of the day, your brain is convincing you that
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  because you didn't journal and go to therapy and talk to people
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  and get out of the house more, you tell yourself that you
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  didn't do enough. And suddenly the success that
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  you should be feeling by getting through that day, by being aware
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  of your feelings, by working towards healing, feels like
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  failure because of the unrealistic expectations that
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  you've set up for yourself. So what do we do with this
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  feeling? Because pretending it doesn't
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  exist doesn't work, and trying to fix yourself out of it just
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  makes it louder. The first thing that helps is
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  this Stop treating feeling like not enough as a flaw.
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  This feeling is a signal, not a diagnosis of wrongdoing.
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  It's a signal that you've put yourself under too much pressure
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  for too long without self compassion.
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  You can want to grow without turning your current self into a
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  problem because growth says I'm learning and shame says I should
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  have figured this out already. And those two feelings are very
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  closely interlinked when we're trying to heal.
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  And it is up to you to separate the difference between growth
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  and shame. They have to be separate.
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  You need to be able to say I want to be somewhere else in
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  life, but there's nothing wrong with where I'm at.
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  You don't have to make your current life a negative thing in
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  order to grow away from it. And yes, you can be in a bad
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  situation. You can acknowledge the fact
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  that you don't like feeling this way, that you don't like being
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  disrespected by other people. Maybe you don't like where
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  you're at in life, but that doesn't mean you have to shame
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  yourself for it. That doesn't mean you have to
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  tell yourself that you're not enough.
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  That is where the issue lies. You can be unhappy where you are
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  and want to change, but instead of pushing away who you are, you
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  can grow towards who you want to be.
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  Healing doesn't come from shame, it comes from growth.
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  Also, you should stop using the finish line where you want to be
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  as proof of your value. A lot of us believe I'll finally
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  feel enough once I get there, but the problem is there's
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  always another there. More healing, more success, more
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  self work. If you keep tying your worth to
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  who you haven't become yet, you'll never let yourself
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  arrive. Because being enough isn't that
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  destination. It's a starting point.
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  It is human nature to always want more, so if you are
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  constantly looking at a finish line and going, I'll be happy.
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  Once I blank, I'll be content once I blank, I'll love myself.
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  Once I heal. The goal post will keep getting
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  moved further and further. Yes you may meet your current
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  goal now of getting through the day, but once you do that you're
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  going to go Oh well I'm not going to be healed until I go to
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  therapy, until I do all of these other things.
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  And by moving that goal post you are creating an unrealistic
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  expectation for yourself because you will always want more.
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  You have to learn to be OK with where you're at and still strive
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  towards healing and be happy with where you are without
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  wanting more constantly. Also, you need to accept the
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  fact that you're simply trying. You're holding an expectation of
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  yourself, of somebody who is healing, but you are just trying
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  right now. So ask yourself this honestly.
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  If someone you cared about was doing exactly what you're doing
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  right now, would you tell them they weren't enough?
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  Or would you say yeah this is hard but you're still showing
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  up? You don't need harsher self
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  talk, you need compassionate self talk.
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  If you've been watching my episodes recently, I've been big
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  on this idea of self compassion and self talk.
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  Because healing comes from kindness.
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  Healing comes from self love. You cannot grow a flower by
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  telling it that it's not enough where it is and that it's not
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  beautiful enough, that it's not worth enough, that it needs to
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  be a bigger flower than it needs to be more beautiful.
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  No, it doesn't work like that. You grow a flower by giving it
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  water, by giving it love, by giving it sunlight.
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  And you need to treat yourself the same way.
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  Healing does not come from shame of not being enough.
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  It comes from love of wanting to be more.
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  It comes from love of wanting to grow.
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  It comes from love of encouraging yourself to be more
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  healthy, to be happier. It comes from self compassion.
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  You cannot hate yourself into healing.
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  You have to love yourself into healing.
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  And you are worthy of that love and you are worthy of that
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  healing. But what matters is you have to
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  try. And there is a chance that you
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  will fail. One of the most damaging beliefs
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  we pick up is that effort doesn't matter unless it works.
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  That trying to heal doesn't matter unless we actually heal.
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  But effort matters, especially when things are heavy.
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  Getting out of bed counts now. Setting boundaries counts,
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  starting over counts. All of these things count and
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  they become a collective that slowly guides you towards
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  healing. Even when it doesn't feel
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  impressive. Even when it doesn't feel big.
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  Because healing is not a large impressive journey.
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  It's small and you have to stack up small bricks over time.
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  You are allowed to be a work in progress and still be worthy of
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  love, rest and peace. You don't have to become
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  somebody else to give yourself self compassion, you don't need
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  to heal perfectly to deserve patience, and you don't need to
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  hate yourself into becoming better.
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  You're not behind, you're not broken, You're human, and you're
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  learning what to do with all of these difficult, complicated
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  feelings. And shaming yourself into not
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  being enough because you're not healed yet will not get you
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  anywhere. A flower does not grow from
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  hate. A flower grows from care, from
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  sunlight, from water. You're enough as you are, and
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  you've always been enough. Now it's time for you to start
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  believing it. That's going to wrap it up for
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  today's episode. Thank you so much for being
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  here. If you need help feeling your
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  feelings, please check out my music on all platforms under the
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  name of Ethan Jewell. I almost guarantee it'll make
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  you cry. Also, if you enjoy this podcast,
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  one of the best ways you can support me is by grabbing merch.
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  I'll link it down below. Also, drop me a comment and let
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  me know what you think about this idea of healing without
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  shame, of healing without trying to convince yourself that you're
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  not enough. So thank you so much for being
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  here. Thank you for understanding that
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  you are enough and you've always been enough.
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  And as always, thank you for feeling your feelings.
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  I'll see you next time.