Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 117 - Samantha

Transcript

Recovery Chronicles Ep. 117 - Samantha · Recovery Chronicles

• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome to Recovery Chronicles. My name is Shannon Huber.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: I am a licensed addiction counselor at Hertview. During this podcast,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: we address addiction from alcohol and other drugs. On today's program,
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: we have Samantha. She is going to share her story
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: of struggles and successes with the disease of addiction. Samantha
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: has been kind enough to be our guest on today's program,
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Recovery Chronicles. Samantha, Welcome to Recovery Chronicles. Can you tell
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: us how you were able to kiss the pass goodbye?
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: Yes, well, it's kind of a recent past. I am stilling.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: I mean aftercare currently, am I allowed to say that?
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah?
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: Okay, and just graduated treatment again for like the nineteenth time.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: I started using pills when I was fifteen when my
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: doctor prescribed them for my migraines. My whole family has migraines,
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: and he put me and my sister and my mom
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: all on hydrocodone. Me and my sister got addicted to
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: them and started stealing our mothers so she stopped taking them,
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: and I started buying them off of the streets. For
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: about six years. It was just pills at the time,
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: and then when I started dating a man, his name
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: was Nate. He we were throwing a party at our house,
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: a four day party, and he was going to go
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: into the bedroom and smoke some meth with some of
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: our guests. And I have never done that before and
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: wanted to. My friend was urging me not to do it,
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: but I did not listen to her. I don't normally
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: listen to people. So I went in there and I
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: started smoking met with them for the first time. He
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: had to show me how to do it because I
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: didn't know how. And I mean, after that, I was
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: pretty much hooked on it. I wanted to smoke more
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: than they did. You know, I was up for four
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: days the first time. I mean, when he didn't want
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: me to smoke anymore, I kind of I met somebody else,
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: of course, you know, and started getting it behind his back.
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: I'm really nervous. No, you're doing right, okay, started buying
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: it behind his back. My dad had passed away when
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: I was thirteen from a motorcycle accident, and he left
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: me a lot of money. Me and my sister and
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: I went through that pretty quick on hydros for those
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: six years, and then my mother made the wrong choice
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: and giving me another about forty grand extra that he
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: had left, and I went through that pretty quickly. I'm
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: buying meth for a lot of years. Well no, I
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: ran out of that money in less than a year,
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: so then I pretty much had nothing. And then when
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: I was twenty one, I started shooting up. I met
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: another guy. I was homeless at the time, met another
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: man who only shot up. He didn't smoke it, and
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: so he shot me up for the first time and
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: didn't tell me what to expect.
• 4:29
  Speaker 3: So I.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: After he hit me, I felt to my knees and
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: I couldn't see straight for like thirty minutes. He had
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: to carry me to a bed so I could lay
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: down and pretty much go through it. And then after
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: I mean, I was pretty much hooked after that on
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: shooting up. And then I didn't do it any other
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: way because it wasn't the same.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: Can you talk a little bit to the listeners, because really,
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Recovery Chronicles is about informing people, giving them the information,
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: and you just did an awesome job of explaining once
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: you use a chemical methamphetamine IV, you know they're you're
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: not getting that same high.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, the high, I mean, it's pretty much the best thing.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: When you're a user, it's pretty much like the best
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: feeling in the world. Once you start shooting up, you
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: don't want to do it any other way. But there's
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: a lot of risks involved in it. I ended up
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: getting pepsi more than once.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: And explain what pepsi is, Yeah, I don't really know
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: to it. Well, it's it's like a liver disease, right.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: Yes, extra affects your liver. You can die from it
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: over a long period of time if you don't get
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: help for it. I had to do the treatment recently actually,
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: like a couple of years ago. The last time I
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: was in prison, I got the treatment for it, and
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: it was like a twelve week thing and got I
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: was extremely tired and crabby and pretty muture it all
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: over from it. It took me a long time to
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: get out of that after that because I was really
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: just exhausted from the treatment. It was no fun.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, okay, So every time you say something, I
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: think it's just really important that people know that there
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: are so many risks that go along with it. And
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: when we talk about it's a great high, you know,
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: we keep searching for that, so it's not like it
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: was the best thing in the world.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: Right. Yes there were consequences, Yes, Yeah, I've been arrested.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: I don't even know how many times. I've been to prison.
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: Three times. In twenty eighteen, I was with I was
• 7:19
  Speaker 2: stating a woman at the time and had relapsed, and
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: so she ended up kicking me out of the house
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: in nothing but a skirt and tank top. I might
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: have add and you know, there's things when you're user
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: and homeless, there's things that you have to do in
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: order to have a place to stay sometimes. And I
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: ended up getting pregnant, which I didn't know who the
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: dad was. It was between three guys that I was
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: bouncing around without the time, I'm for a place to stay,
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: and so I was pregnant, homeless and didn't think, God,
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: I could take care of a child. I wasn't there
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: for my first one, who's healthy by the way, she's
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: with her father and happy. And I was staying with
• 8:22
  Speaker 2: this guy down south and I don't know, so honestly,
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: I don't know what happened between these four days. I
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: have no idea what happened to me, or what I
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: did or anything. And I ended up in the hospital.
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: I had cellulitis in my left leg and I couldn't walk.
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: I had cellulitis, my organs are shutting down, pregnant, had
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: a hemorrhage underneath a baby, so I was bleeding a lot,
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: and two other infections, and then I had like seventeen abscess.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: I had to get cut open and have heal from
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: the inside out. And I was in the hospital for
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: two months trying to get better from all of that,
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: and then I did end up losing that child.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, And after that I went to Heartview for treatment
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: for a while, but I know I scrolled off and
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: started using again, you know, because I got arrested. The
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: judge did let me out on a six hour furlough
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: to go to my baby's funeral, which was amazing, and
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: I didn't think i'd turn myself back in, but I
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: did because I was tired of doing all this crap
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: and living like that. So the funeral was very sad
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: for me. And every year that is the anniversary too,
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: you know, cause I thought that when I was in
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: the hospital, I wanted to keep her, even though I
• 10:06
  Speaker 2: still had no idea I was gonna take care of her.
• 10:08
  Speaker 2: It was a girl. Yeah, did you name her I did.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: I named her Terry Lynn Kay. Terry was my dad's
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: name and he died when I was thirteen. Lynn is
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: my mom's middle name, and Kay's my middle name.
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: That's a beautiful name. Yeah, beautiful trivia.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: When you talk about losing your baby, which is so
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: incredibly sad, and you talk about all the absess and stuff,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: that's not unusual. Yeah, Uh, people don't hear about it.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: Can you explain to the listeners, like why you had
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: absess and what was it from? Uh?
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: I had abscess because being a needle user, I have
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: been shooting up for eleven years and so my veins
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: are pretty much shot. So I try to go into
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: every little one and I can and end up missing
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: my shot. And that's how you get obsessed from missing
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: your shot. It's an infection, so you normally I had
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: to get mine cut open and have the fluid drained
• 11:26
  Speaker 2: out of them. M.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And so you were in the hospital for over
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: two months just healing. Yeah, that's an incredibly long time.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: So you would think after all of that happened that
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: that would be a rock bottom and you wouldn't use again. Yeah?
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Is that how things?
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: No? No, you would I think that a lot of
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: the stuff that I had happened to me or that
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: I did or whatever would be my rock bottom. But
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: it doesn't matter how important something or somebody is while
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: you're sober, because you'll stop all over that when you're using.
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: It doesn't it's not important as getting high is, you know.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: And yeah, so, I mean, you'd think losing children or
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: having them taken from you and stuff would make you stop,
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: but it doesn't. It has to be something that's in
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: your mind, and it just wasn't in my mind yet
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: at that time. You know, it took a very long time,
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: and it's still taking time for me to find a switch,
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: you know, and say that I don't want to use anymore.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: I mean, this last time, so I've had about seventy
• 12:59
  Speaker 2: nine days sober.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: Now, congratulations, that's amazing.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: Thank you. And it's that took, you know, my counselor
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: calling me in to CPS and reporting me and for
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: them coming to my house and saying that mentioning just
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: mentioning the word foster home, you know, in order for
• 13:27
  Speaker 2: me to not think about getting high one time since
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: it's happened. So that's what has helped me because she
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: was in foster care. I have no idea how long
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: it would take for us to get her back. You know,
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: she could begin there for a year years and and
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: you don't know what happened to them in places like that,
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: and so you know, I wasn't allowed going to allow
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: that to happen. So that's what's stopped me from continuing
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: down that road, you know.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: So if we could go back and talk about so
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: you lost your baby and then you had another baby.
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: Yes, okay, Yeah, in twenty twenty one, I had a daughter.
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: Her name is Victoria, and yeah, so once I had her,
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: I had moved back to Bismarck to be with my family. Yeah,
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: so when Victoria was three weeks old, I moved back
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: here to be with my family and had Victoria with me. Yeah.
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: I was just I was going through treatment again at
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: Heartview and doing really well, you know, but I did
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: have a slip up and ended up getting kicked out
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: of my sister's boyfriend home where I was staying at
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: the time because of my using. And so then I
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: was homeless again, you know, really had nowhere to go.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: I was getting help from the churches.
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: So you were homeless, yes, and caring.
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: Caring for my child. Yep, yep. I did have EVT,
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: you know, so it's not like she didn't have It's
• 15:24
  Speaker 2: not like she had didn't have any food or anything
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: like that. And the churches were helping me with the
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: hotel room to stay for a while till when I
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: while I was homeless, Stephen, her father, came to Bismarck
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: to live, but did not have a place to live
• 15:44
  Speaker 2: as well. So we were just homeless together caring for
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: our daughter, and the churches were helping us with the
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: hotel room until we could get into the Welcome House
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: and which is a homeless shelter for families, and they
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: gave us a room and clothes and food. They helped
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: us with anything that we needed. I was still going
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: to treatment at the time, and Stephen was working, you know,
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: so we were doing really really well at that Around
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: that time, I had about ten or nine months sober,
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: and you know, we got rent help and was able
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: to finally look for an apartment and get our own apartment.
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: And I just want to shout out to Welcome House
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: because if we weren't able to get into them, we
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: don't know where we would be at this time. And
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: so it is an amazing place to go if you
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: are homeless, if you have a family. They're even allowing
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: people who don't have children, you know, to depending on
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: the case, stay there to help get their life together.
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: So I just want to it's just a it was
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: a great place. We actually went to see them yesterday
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: again and they miss us so much, and I missed
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: my room there. It was just happy. It was a
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: happy time. And yeah, it's a great place to get help.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: And so now we have our own apartment. It's really nice.
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: Victoria has her own room and it's big in there.
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: And Stephen is working and he's doing an amazing job.
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: He's actively in his recovery. You know, he's got his
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: sponsor and he's working extremely hard. He's trying to get
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: meetings set up in the jails and the prison because
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: they don't get to go to a lot of them,
• 17:54
  Speaker 2: you know. So that's wonderful. I just graduated from treatment
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: and in aftercare. We went to a meeting this morning.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: It was really good, and simon aftercare now and then
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: I go to parenting classes on Wednesday evenings at the
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: Women's Care Center, and then I have a class that
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: I go to every other Friday morning, so I'll be
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: going there tomorrow morning.
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: And how did you get paked up with like parenting classes?
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: So the Women's Care Center we call them because when
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: we were homeless and stuff, we needed diapers and they
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: helped us out with clothes while we were staying at
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: the hotels and with diapers and wives and things are
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: Victoria and you know, I mean just wonderful. And and
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: we were just told as they do parenting classes there,
• 18:48
  Speaker 2: so we just started doing them and it's great. And
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: then we get diapers every time we go, and you
• 18:55
  Speaker 2: get coupons and you can buy things for your child there.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: It's the coupons, and I mean, yeah, it's pretty cool.
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: What I really think is so neat about you being
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: so authentic with your struggles with this disease as you are.
• 19:16
  Speaker 1: You're just saying, hey, this is how it was. You're
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: given a shout out to the welcome house. It's a resource, yeah,
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: that people don't know about. You're talking about the struggles
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: with white bees and diapers. People have full time jobs
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: struggle with white bees and diapers.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, they're expensive. It's ridiculous how expensive they are, you know,
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: especially with the homeless. I mean it's just I mean,
• 19:44
  Speaker 2: you can get EBT and stuff like that, so that
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: helps a lot, but there's no resource to help you
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: buy your diapers and your wipes or anything else for
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: your child, medicine nothing, and that stuff is expensive. Ye,
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: So I mean we go through a lot of money
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: just with that, you know. And my daughter she's teasing
• 20:05
  Speaker 2: like crazy. So she's going through medicine like crazy. Oh yeah,
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: it's expensive. It's not cool.
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: It is when you talk about just being with your
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: daughter in a wherever you were homeless in a vehicle.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: Yep.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: So why didn't like other family members take you in? Ah,
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: can just share what you're comfortable sharing.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: Well, I'm never allowed to stay at my parents' house
• 20:39
  Speaker 2: because because I have stolen from them. You know, I've
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: put through my mom and stepdad through with everything. You know.
• 20:50
  Speaker 2: I tried to kill myself in my mom's house, like
• 20:54
  Speaker 2: in front of her, you know, so she saw that,
• 20:58
  Speaker 2: and yeah, she just doesn't trust I mean, it's not
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: like she doesn't trust me now, but she just doesn't know,
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: you know, like you're just never too sure if that
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: person is going to slip up again or whatever. So
• 21:14
  Speaker 2: I mean I don't blame my mom. And my sister
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: is you know away right now, and so she was
• 21:24
  Speaker 2: nice enough to let me stay with you know, see
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: her dad, her kids as one of her kids's father
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: at their house for a while, and I messed that
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: up too, So yeah, I mean it's understandable. And then
• 21:39
  Speaker 2: I don't talk to my dad's side of the family
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: because you know, when my dad died, they try to
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: steal stuff from us, and stuff that was rightfully me
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: and my sisters when you know, we were just little
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: and and they try to take a bunch of stuff
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: away from us.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: That had to be very painful.
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we had to go to court and everything. You know,
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: my sister had to testify against them. So so yeah,
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: I don't. I mean, I stay high to them if
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: I see them, but it's not like we hang out
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: and have bringing family events, you know.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So when we talk about your dad passing away
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: and leaving, leaving you and your sister money, that's this
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: is not an unusual conversation where those of us that
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: are fortunate enough to get this disease and get into recovery,
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: but it's so easy to blow through that inheritance. Yeah,
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: keeping a talk a little bit about how expensive drugs
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: and alcohol are and how I don't think people realize
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: how expensive and how easy it is to blow through
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: that money.
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, I you know, was left forty grand, and
• 23:05
  Speaker 2: then once I went through that, my mom give me
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: another forty grand. And so when I was buying my
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: hydros and my you know, my delauted or whatever, hydros
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: are expensive, they like depending on which ones you get.
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: You know, the white ones are fives and those are
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: five dollars, the blues are ten. You know, Delauded is
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: if you get a formula ground that's forty bucks a
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: pill and an email grounds eighty bucks. I mean it's expensive.
• 23:36
  Speaker 2: You know, pills are expensive. At least with Matthew, you
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: can make it last a little bit for what you
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: pay for depending on how big your shots are. But yeah,
• 23:46
  Speaker 2: I mean it's really really expensive. I went, I was
• 23:49
  Speaker 2: buying like five six hundred dollars worth of pills every day,
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: you know, once while I had that money, and then
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: I had an apartment with that guy, and I went
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: through meth like crazy. Well you know what, No, for
• 24:04
  Speaker 2: a year, I was only smoking it, so it lasted
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: me quite a bit, you know, But I mean fifty
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: dollars for a bag or twenty five, you know what
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: I mean. And I was buying fifty two hundred, one
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: hundred and fifty dollars of meth maybe every couple of days.
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: And then once I started shooting up, it was way
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: more than that, you know, I was buying it every
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: day and towards the end, I mean my shots are
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: pretty big, you know, half a gram in one shot.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: Just to keep up, yeah, just to keep up with
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: my tolerance is there's a lot of money, you know.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: So Samantha, can you talk about tolerance and what that means?
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: Explain to the listeners.
• 24:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, depending how long you use, you know, your tolerance
• 24:52
  Speaker 2: how it was, just how much you can take out
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: or use at one time. It will go up and
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: up and up, and so you can feel how you
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: felt when you first started doing it, which you'll never
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: find it. I've tried, you just won't. So from when
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: from fifteen years old and having two hydrocotones the tens
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: make me throw up to taking twenty five at one time,
• 25:22
  Speaker 2: you know, I mean at the end, that's a lot.
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: And it was twice a day. I was taking twenty
• 25:29
  Speaker 2: five mouth the whole thing at one, you know, twice
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: three times a day just to get me there like
• 25:37
  Speaker 2: it did in the beginning. So I mean, yeah, my
• 25:40
  Speaker 2: tolerance wasn't up a lot.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: So when you're talking about taking twenty five pills at
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: once and just to get that desired effect you are,
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: you're wanting to be numb because it's not making you
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: all alone, alert and productive, and you're sleeping.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: Well I'm not sleeping. I just am laying there feeling
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: really good. So yeah, okay, yeah, And when did the
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: hydros like stop in your life?
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: I did?
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: They They did? Yeah, probably when I was like twenty one.
• 26:25
  Speaker 2: I stopped doing them so much, you know, and now
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: and then towards the end, I just didn't do pills
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: at all. It's not because I didn't want to, because
• 26:34
  Speaker 2: they love pills. I used to love pills. I just yeah,
• 26:41
  Speaker 2: they're harder to find out. My connections are not there
• 26:45
  Speaker 2: no more, you know, especially after going to prison and stuff,
• 26:48
  Speaker 2: and then once you get out and you're good for
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: a while, and then you get back to it, it's
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: like where's they where's the person at you know, and
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: it's hard to find them again. And you know, when
• 26:58
  Speaker 2: I moved back here and had my laps this last time.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: I started doing those blues and smoking those and I
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: didn't know that they were fetanyl pills. I didn't know.
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: I don't mess with fetanyl. I don't do that because
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: I would love it probably and it would kill me.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: And so I started smoking those blues and I got
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: so messed up once I was smoking those blues, and
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: you know, I would get so messed up, and I
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: was just like, oh my god, if I don't stop
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: doing those, you know, it's probably gonna kill me. And
• 27:33
  Speaker 2: so I got on the box and that's really helped
• 27:35
  Speaker 2: me stay after those because I wouldn't I probably wouldn't
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: have stopped using them, you know, because I haven't hadn't
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: done pills in a very long time. It felt really good,
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: and I knew if I didn't do something, I wouldn't
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: stop so and I wouldn't stop spending all my money
• 27:52
  Speaker 2: on it. So I got on the box.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: So when we talk about doing a medication assisted therapy
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: and getting into a treatment center to assist you, did
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: you do that like by yourself?
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah? What do you mean got on it by myself? No?
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: What I'm asking is, did somebody like influence you is
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: there somebody that said, hey, you need to change your life.
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: Oh, I mean numerous people told me I needed to
• 28:31
  Speaker 2: change my life.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yep, I like how you go from yeah did
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: it myself? Number?
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah? A lot of people did, you know, and a
• 28:40
  Speaker 2: lot of times. So, I mean I had I was
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: on methodone once, you know, and that made me really fat.
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: I didn't like that one. So I mean I've been
• 28:51
  Speaker 2: on them both a couple of times, you know, and
• 28:52
  Speaker 2: then I've been into treatment, like nineteen times. I was
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: in Tompkins. I've been in both Center and a Mandana
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: and Fargo numerous times, you know. So I've been through
• 29:05
  Speaker 2: the chain of places. I don't think. Well, I haven't
• 29:09
  Speaker 2: been challenge yet. I'm not going to go there.
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: Okay, well hopefully. Well it's one day at a time.
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: Right, yes, yeah, long days sometimes.
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah. And I appreciate you being so honest about all
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: of the really painful things, losing your dad, losing a baby,
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: having an older child that you don't see a.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: Lot, or yeah, I'm getting to see her now. We
• 29:43
  Speaker 2: talk every week, and you know, when she's got events
• 29:48
  Speaker 2: or whatever, he'll call me now and say, hey, come
• 29:51
  Speaker 2: come over or come to this if you want to,
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: you know, And so I'll do that. And whenever we're
• 29:57
  Speaker 2: having something at my parents, he lets that go on,
• 30:00
  Speaker 2: you know. So he lets me pick her up and
• 30:03
  Speaker 2: spend the day with her and stuff. It's pretty cool.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: So yeah, I'm getting to see her a lot more
• 30:08
  Speaker 2: than I have in the past.
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: So yeah, and your face just lights up when you
• 30:16
  Speaker 1: talk about your children. And I think so many people think,
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: oh my gosh, your kids should be enough to quit using,
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: and it's just that's not the way this disease works. Yeah,
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: because we still love our children.
• 30:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 30:33
  Speaker 3: Yeah, So you've been in a lot of treatments, You've
• 30:40
  Speaker 3: been through a lot of tough stuff.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: Can you talk to us about what the good things
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: are and what's happening now? You mentioned earlier you'd gone
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: to a meeting this morning.
• 30:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah that was really nice. You know, I know few
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: good people there. And yesterday we met with Steven's sponsor
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: and had lunch with him. So I got to talk
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: to him about his recovery. I mean, he's been sober
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: forty two years. I believe. He said, Holy, if I
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: could get there, that'd be great, you know. So that
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: was good. I I you know, you feel better. We
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: still have our place, I mean a really nice place.
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: We're able to you know, start getting things that we
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: want that we haven't been able to have, or get
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: my car fixed or car fixed, you know. I mean
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: that's freting. It does, Yes, it does. I mean I'm
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: looking for a sponsor right now. I talk to somebody
• 31:49
  Speaker 2: this morning who I want to ask to be my sponsor.
• 31:53
  Speaker 2: So I got to call her. I'm gonna call her
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: later and talk to her and hopefully start working my steps,
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: you know, and stuff like that. And I'm doing good
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: in aftercare. Yeah, and yeah, I get to see all
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: I've got to see all the Victoria's first and I
• 32:12
  Speaker 2: missed all of that with Madison, you know. Yeah, So yeah,
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: getting to watch her grow up and I get to
• 32:19
  Speaker 2: look at her every day. It's just it's the best ever.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: And nobody's trying to take her away from me. And
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: I don't have to prove myself to anybody, you know.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: I mean, I'll get off parole next April. If I'm good,
• 32:33
  Speaker 2: I'll be off everything, which I have not been off
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: of everything since twenty eleven, really, yeah, been on something
• 32:41
  Speaker 2: even Yeah, So how do.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: You think that's going to be for you, because sometimes
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: I think having a probation officer is like having a
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: babysitter or somebody to be accountable for. Do you have
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: any fears about that?
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: A little bit? Yeah, because then I'm not going to
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: have all these people checking up on me. You know,
• 33:03
  Speaker 2: I only have to see my Africa accountsler once a week,
• 33:05
  Speaker 2: you know what I mean. And so I mean, yeah,
• 33:08
  Speaker 2: it's scary because I'll have more more freedom freedom, yeah,
• 33:17
  Speaker 2: than than normal. So I could get into a lot
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: more trouble if I wanted too.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: But what are the things that you're recognizing or identifying
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: that are going really well now that you don't want
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: to lose?
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: Ah, my family life, my relationship. I mean, he's grown
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: so much from the person that I have that I met,
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: you know, the person that I started dating. I mean,
• 33:45
  Speaker 2: he's changed so much it's incredible. And I love watching
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: him grow too, you know. And and he keeps me
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: on my toes and he helps me grow in a
• 33:57
  Speaker 2: lot of ways. And my childcare class started teaching me
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: how to become a better mom. And since the whole
• 34:06
  Speaker 2: CPS thing and the foster care thing, Stephen has said,
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: I have grown a lot into this, Like he said,
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: I've blossomed and this wonderful mother because I wasn't as
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: close to her as then I am. Now you mean
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: her didn't have a connection. Really, I wasn't.
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: As just connected.
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I just you know, I wasn't as connected with her,
• 34:36
  Speaker 2: and then this whole foster care thing happened, and now
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: I engage in a lot of things with her. I
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: play with her, I read with her, you know, and
• 34:44
  Speaker 2: she just loves me. She comes and she gives me
• 34:46
  Speaker 2: the best hugs. I mean I get really good hugs,
• 34:48
  Speaker 2: but she gets really good up you know. And it's
• 34:52
  Speaker 2: pretty cool the connection that met her have Now, I
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: mean I wouldn't have that if it all wouldn't have happened.
• 34:59
  Speaker 2: So well, yeah, it's great. I don't want to lose that.
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: I don't want to lose my family. I love him,
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: And you know, me and my mom have gotten closer,
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: and me and my sister have gotten closer, which is
• 35:10
  Speaker 2: weird because we've never been closer, you know, So it's different.
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: So what do you think is really interesting that what
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: you're talking about? And I guess I can relate to this,
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: but you're talking about all these improvements with other people,
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: But you're not giving yourself any credit for doing the changing.
• 35:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, oh yeah, that's true. Well, I mean I am
• 35:38
  Speaker 2: doing pretty well because I am following through with my
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: my parenting classes and I'm following through with therapy, which
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: I've never done. I'll say I'll go, you know, but
• 35:49
  Speaker 2: I haven't. I didn't normally follow through. So I'm trying
• 35:53
  Speaker 2: to work on that, trying to work on my codependency
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: and become more independent because I was to have people
• 36:00
  Speaker 2: take care of me, so I want to be able
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: to take care of myself as well, you know, and
• 36:09
  Speaker 2: I need to. I want to work on, you know,
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: my past trauma issues, my rape and mental and emotional
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: abuse in the past, and you know, I've been attacked
• 36:21
  Speaker 2: by drug dealers, you know, my drug dealer and stuff
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: like that. Like, i have a lot of issues that
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: I have to work on and I'm starting to work on.
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: So I'm excited for that. And I'm excited to actually,
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: you know, follow through with a sponsor and follow through
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: the steps because I've only ever gotten to the third one.
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: And so yeah, I'm hoping to get past at this time.
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: Wow, And you have been through a lot of trauma.
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: A lot of people don't recognize that one of the
• 36:54
  Speaker 1: reasons people go through nineteen treatments or end up in
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: prison is because of the past trauma and since COVID,
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: and there's just not enough resources over there. So the
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: fact that you're like, oh, I have this resource, I'm
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: taking it. I have this resource parenting classes, therapy, aftercare,
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: and you're taking it. Yeah, is that the advice that
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: you would give to other people?
• 37:34
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I would. I would tell them to
• 37:38
  Speaker 2: look up all the resources that they can, because there
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: is a lot out there, you know. I mean, we
• 37:45
  Speaker 2: found a place to live. They help you with your
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: phone built, you know, you so you don't have to
• 37:49
  Speaker 2: pay at all for your phone. You know, there's groceries,
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: there's wick for your child, you know, food pantries. I mean,
• 37:59
  Speaker 2: there's there's a lot of things that can help you
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: out there, and a lot of churches will help you
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: if that's what you want. But you have to want it.
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: You can't force anybody to do it. You can't force
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: anybody to want to get better and get out of
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: that situation because they still have friends who are almost
• 38:17
  Speaker 2: an inn that situation. So, I mean, you can spout
• 38:21
  Speaker 2: it off all day, you know, but it's up to
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: them to take it right.
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: So they you know, you've been through so much, you
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: know some resources. Do you ever think about wanting to
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: help other people that have gone through what you've gone through?
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: And is there a specific area?
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so for a long time, I want to be
• 38:47
  Speaker 2: in like psychology, but I want to work at Heartview
• 38:53
  Speaker 2: in the residential area because I've been there numerous times
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: and I liked it there. You know. I do want
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: to become an addiction counselor, but you have to be
• 39:03
  Speaker 2: sober for that, you know. So I mean, I'm just
• 39:06
  Speaker 2: I'm trying to work on my recovery first. I would
• 39:09
  Speaker 2: like to work at the Welcome House. I've talked to
• 39:11
  Speaker 2: Evince about it, you know, because it would be wonderful
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: to help people like that that need it, you know.
• 39:19
  Speaker 1: And yeah, that's pretty much so far all I've thought about.
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: So could you understand because.
• 39:27
  Speaker 2: You yeah, yeah, and you know a lot of people
• 39:29
  Speaker 2: that do help people, they don't understand it and they
• 39:33
  Speaker 2: judge you, you know what I mean, They'll help you,
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: but they judge you. And it's like, really, get somebody
• 39:39
  Speaker 2: in here. I want help from somebody who knows what's
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: talking about because, yeah, because somebody's been through it the
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: way that I have, you know what I mean. That's
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: I don't want somebody who's branding and doesn't know what
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: they're talking about, who's never been through it, because they
• 39:55
  Speaker 2: do not understand the depths of it.
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: So yeah, so do you think that that is definitely
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: a hurdle asking for help? Is the fear of being judged.
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a lot of times I've tried to ask
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: for help or no, I didn't try to ask for
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: help that I wanted to, but you know, and a
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: lot of doctors and nurses, they are very judgmental towards you,
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: especially when you come and sick. They think you're just
• 40:27
  Speaker 2: trying to get high and pill seeking in this and
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: that when it's not what you've come there for, you
• 40:33
  Speaker 2: know what I mean, You just you need help. But
• 40:36
  Speaker 2: but we're scared too, because I don't know if we're
• 40:38
  Speaker 2: gonna they're gonna turn us in or you know, look
• 40:42
  Speaker 2: down on us. When I was sick and getting my
• 40:45
  Speaker 2: arms killed and stuff, I I got into it even
• 40:48
  Speaker 2: after having my after having my baby, Victoria, and they
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: knew that I was an addict. The nurses were very
• 40:56
  Speaker 2: judgmental to not want to give me my medication, my hydros.
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: You they gave you one at a time every so hour,
• 41:03
  Speaker 2: but they didn't treat me very kindly. And I raised
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: the big fuss about that, because you're not gonna treat
• 41:10
  Speaker 2: me some type of way, you know what I mean?
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: I just had a baby and look at me differently,
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: because you know that that's not cool. You know, I
• 41:19
  Speaker 2: was sober at that time. Who's their career, you know?
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: So yeah, Well, I'm glad that you talked about that,
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: you know, feeling judged and the frustration of that. And
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: you know, I look at you today and you are
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: You've always been absolutely beautiful, and I appreciate you doing this.
• 41:44
  Speaker 1: I do have a off the cuff question here, Okay,
• 41:50
  Speaker 1: if you could spend an hour with anyone deceased for
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: still living, who would that person be and why would
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: you pay that specific person?
• 42:11
  Speaker 2: I would choose my dad and ask him if he
• 42:16
  Speaker 2: was proud of me or not, because I feel like
• 42:22
  Speaker 2: he would be very disappointed in my choices. And you
• 42:28
  Speaker 2: know it's my sister was closer to him than I was,
• 42:33
  Speaker 2: and she got more time with him than I did,
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: So I would like to know him now, and you know,
• 42:42
  Speaker 2: a lot of people ask me about my mental issues
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: and stuff and if he had any and I think
• 42:48
  Speaker 2: he did, but I would like to know stuff like
• 42:51
  Speaker 2: that too from him, you know, and and learned about
• 42:55
  Speaker 2: his side of the family and hug him one more time.
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: So yeah, that's whoy I would choose.
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: Thank you, that's beautiful.
• 43:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: So in closing, would you be willing to say the
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: serenity prayer with me?
• 43:17
  Speaker 2: Yes?
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: Okay, do you know?
• 43:19
  Speaker 2: What? Are you? Of course? I know it. Ok God,
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: grab me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: the courage to change the things I can, and the
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: wisdom to know the difference.
• 43:34
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much the mouth, thank you for having me.