Latest / Lose the Plot with Carla and Emily / Bride by Ali Hazelwood - Fangs, Fur and Confusion!

Transcript

Bride by Ali Hazelwood - Fangs, Fur and Confusion! · Lose the Plot with Carla and Emily

0:00
Hi friends, you're listening to Lose the Plot with
0:02
Carla and Emily. In this episode, we're reading
0:05
Bride by Ali Hazelwood. We are talking about the
0:08
entire book, so warning, there will be spoilers.
0:25
I'm Carla and... Bright.
0:28
The smell. Sorry about that. I'm
0:33
Emily and I'm wearing my modesty froth. Your
0:36
what? Modesty froth. What
0:38
the fuck is a froth? Oh, the stuff in the bath.
0:43
Before we dive into this juicy
0:45
episode, we have a tiny favour to ask. If
0:47
you've enjoyed our previous episodes and want us to
0:50
continue creating content, take a moment right now,
0:53
click over to our profile and leave us a five star
0:55
review on whichever platform you're using. Share
0:58
with a friend if you know they love smart. Thank
1:00
you for supporting us. Trigger
1:04
warnings from the author's website. Spoilers,
1:08
obviously. Death of several people within
1:11
the context of a war between different species.
1:15
Girl, what? Several
1:17
mentions of blood, kidnapping, mild violence,
1:20
poisoning and attempted murder, attempted kidnapping,
1:23
harming of a child, death of a parent, explicit and
1:28
graphic sexual content, knotting, cursing and vulgar
1:33
language. Foul. And it says, main male
1:38
characters apparatus is not quite human in brackets.
1:42
Where do we start on this? It
1:43
goes a bit back and forth, doesn't it? It
1:46
does. With sanity? No,
1:49
in the start. We go to the wedding. Before
1:51
the wedding, the night before and then back to
1:54
where are we? Where have we been? Before
1:57
we actually get into the plot, can we talk about
1:59
the cover? Yeah. What on earth is going on?
2:03
A lot of things. It
2:04
looks like it's a mistake. Why
2:06
does he look like a fox and not a wolf? And
2:08
why is he floating in the air? He's
2:11
flying to the moon. Fly high, baby. He's
2:19
like tippy -toeing on the trees. That's
2:21
what I'm doing under his skin. Crew,
2:23
design this format. Is that a bridal jumpsuit? She
2:27
wears a bridal jumpsuit. You're
2:29
telling me you're 25, you're getting married once
2:31
and you're wearing a bridal jumpsuit? No,
2:34
absolutely not. You are not 50. It's
2:35
giving party city. No. She's got a cape, like a
2:41
little cape. They really said vampire. Look,
2:44
some people love this cover, some people hate it.
2:47
It's giving cardboard cutout. It
2:49
is. And honestly, if you put the
2:51
moon under him, it's a little fox jumping the
2:54
moon. Yeah. I thought he's a big bad
2:57
wolf. He is. He's
2:59
a little fox, baby. I was confused because further
3:02
in the book, they have one who is a wolf in front of
3:05
him, in front of her, and he's like at knee height.
3:09
I'm like, how big are you? How
3:10
are you supposed to be scary when you're a little
3:13
puppy? What are you going to do, bite
3:15
machines? A little nibble on the ankle?
3:18
Yeah, a little ankle bone action.
3:20
Let's not get to boning. It's
3:21
too soon. It's too soon. Already
3:23
traumatized. Can we just fucking fess up?
3:26
Someone needs to admit that they
3:28
requested this fucking Jacob Renaissance fanfic. Like,
3:35
and she picked it up and she put it down and it
3:37
somehow got published. I don't know what happened.
3:41
Girl, like what is going on?
3:42
There was so much and so little
3:44
world building. It was ridiculous. There
3:46
was zero, but some in the wrong areas. Exactly.
3:51
Like I was saying, I had one shot, one shot to make
3:54
you wear a wear with romance. Yeah.
3:57
Fucking fumbled so hard. You
3:59
fumbled the ball girl. I fumbled. I
4:00
was like, this is not what I wanted. I
4:02
want to be traumatized, but not like this. It
4:06
was giving contemporary romance. It
4:09
was watered down with supernatural characters.
4:12
What's the fucking point? You've
4:13
got a vampire pretending to be human being. Cool.
4:17
What's the fucking point then? Bitch.
4:18
And then it went in this weird arranged marriage
4:21
mafia direction and like. When
4:27
you told me it's very twisted love, all I could
4:31
picture was the dad. Where is the Asian guy? Yeah.
4:35
All I could picture was an Asian villain. And
4:39
I was like, I don't know what's going on anymore.
4:41
You know what I realized
4:41
though? To be more specific, it's like
4:45
you put King of Wrath and the Serpent and the Wings
4:48
of Night in a blender, added a lot of water, like
4:50
watered it down. Yeah. And then it spat this out.
4:54
Yeah. Yeah. That's
4:55
literally what it is because it's arranged
4:57
marriage. It was that weird mafia vibe
4:59
and it was all the stupid family politics of Serpent
5:02
and the Wings of Night. You
5:03
know what? Really? I can't even think of the
5:06
word. I was like, you know what
5:07
really triggered me? What? She is versioned. She's
5:11
never kissed. She's never. What's
5:14
the trope for? I was like. Da
5:20
da da da da. Is that Dawson's Creek? I
5:23
don't know. I'm trying. I
5:23
don't know. It's like giving two -way
5:25
romance. It's like I was so pissed by
5:28
the trope that I forgot the name. Like
5:29
it was just the Virgin Trope. Inexperienced
5:32
Trope. Yes. Her reasoning was just
5:35
bullshit. You stupid girl. She's
5:36
like, I just don't want to fuck humans. So
5:39
I was already lying to them. So
5:42
we have an ethical vampire now? Can
5:45
we? Okay. Talking about vampires, the
5:49
ethical part. How are they so on the bottom
5:52
of Abby Lee Miller's pyramid? Right?
5:55
They're so on the bottom. They're
5:56
on the bottom. They would be on the bottom.
5:58
She would pull that piece of
6:00
paper out and she'd be like on the bottom
6:02
vampires, which never makes any sense because in any
6:05
other world, they're on top. Literally.
6:09
They're Tyra Banks on top. Yeah.
6:10
But here they are at the bottom. Here
6:12
they are at the bottom. No one gives a fuck about
6:14
them. They're dying out. Yep.
6:16
They're not scary. No. She's pretending to be a
6:20
person because she pretty much does a lot of people.
6:23
How unscary they are. She
6:24
gets in fight with one werewolf and they're like,
6:27
oh, she's going to kill everyone. I
6:28
was like, realistically, how? You
6:31
could throw her out a wall and she'd give me. But
6:33
she's fucking drinking blood out of a vial every day.
6:36
Huh? Have her little sippy cup.
6:38
Because you can't suck out of
6:40
things because then you'll get the hots for them. Oh.
6:45
I'm sorry, but this author has actually fucked with
6:49
vampire law. She's given us vegan vampire. Is
6:53
that why she put a Y? She's
6:54
spelled it with Y. I don't know. I
6:55
don't know if there's a difference. It's
6:57
giving impossible but I just don't understand how
7:00
they're supposed to be the villain when they could
7:03
barely. They can't even tie their shoes,
7:06
honestly. They're the underdog already. No
7:08
wonder that dad's like good of the most. There's
7:10
nothing left of you. Literally,
7:14
she has to put in colored contacts to make her eyes
7:17
look normal. She files down her things.
7:19
Honestly, when I read that, my teeth
7:20
felt a little sore for a couple of days, but it's
7:22
fine. She just wants to pay bills
7:25
and live a boring life. Like,
7:28
what do we do about that? She
7:31
has all the possibilities to live her rich life.
7:35
Honestly though, if you take the
7:36
supernatural out of this book, what is the book?
7:39
Nothing. It's a kidnapping. How
7:42
the fuck does it start with just an arranged
7:46
marriage, right? He automatically hates her.
7:50
Just because she's a vampire.
7:51
She only agrees to it because
7:52
she finds out his initials. Because
7:55
she only cares about Serena, who a third of the
7:59
way through the book, I thought they were lesbian
8:00
lovers. Honestly. I thought that was for the
8:04
reason. I don't know. Going
8:06
to Serena and Misery. Misery
8:09
goes, yes. Ali writes romances on science,
8:15
technology, professors, and students getting there. Her
8:18
things. She would add a little bit of
8:22
technology nerd, where we have to bring up hardware,
8:26
software, every two fucking seconds, coding. Oh,
8:29
so she's a dork. Yeah, IRL. Yes.
8:33
All her other books are chess. Yes.
8:36
I am. There's one where it's like a Star
8:40
Wars fanfic kind of thing, but it's like a signed
8:44
student with the professor. I
8:46
literally left the chat. Yeah.
8:48
Oh, like she would somehow. Oh,
8:51
is that why they kept doing the stupid database
8:53
shit? Go, if you're going to go
8:55
fantasy, lean in, bitch. Stop
8:58
leaning out. Lean in all the way. She
9:00
had one towing. The technology. Pulling
9:02
it back out. These are not vampires. These
9:05
are not werewolves. You're werewolves coming up to
9:06
people's shins. You vampires are shaving their
9:08
fangs down and are too scared to fucking suck on
9:11
people. What's going on? There
9:12
was no humans in this. No. You know how you understand
9:17
the relationship between the werewolves, the vampires,
9:19
and the humans? That's the whole point. And
9:20
why are we more scared of humans? Oh,
9:23
at this point, they're the endangered species. The
9:26
vampires and the werewolves and us, the humans are
9:29
just fucking everything up for everybody, which makes
9:31
sense. That's tracks. Tracks.
9:33
But then... Who am I rooting for here? I'm
9:36
like, I'm supposed to be dipping out of this world,
9:38
not dipping. I know. Give
9:40
us something to get into. No.
9:43
Like, don't give us some lukewarm, normal world.
9:46
You're telling me that the person
9:50
we do not speak of from America's would be fine in
9:54
this world? No, no, I was thinking...
9:59
Baltimore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No,
10:03
I was thinking also Elon Musk, when you said that.
10:05
Oh, yeah, yeah. Anyone
10:07
else? Any American would be fine. I
10:11
just... They're tasty. I'm
10:13
just a society. I'm honestly on the verge of
10:15
tears. You don't pick up a fantasy
10:18
book to get forcefully shoved into this mediocre
10:21
fucking world. What is this? At
10:24
one point, she goes, I just want to grind and I
10:26
guess pay my pills and exist. Bitch,
10:28
aren't you immortal? What the fuck are you doing?
10:31
It's the same thing that people
10:33
would point out with Twilight. Why
10:34
is Edward going to school? He
10:36
doesn't need to be in school. He's
10:38
immortal. He's gonna be anywhere else. The
10:41
last year of school is arguably the worst year of
10:43
school ever. So why would you pick that
10:44
page to be replicating? I'd be like, girl, I'm at
10:47
least at uni. She's backpack everywhere.
10:50
Literally. Who's gonna know? What's
10:54
Old Love's actual name again? Not
10:56
Misery, but what's her actual name? It's
10:58
not actually Misery, is it? Yeah,
10:59
it is. What? I thought she had a real
11:01
name. No, it's Misery. They
11:04
call her Missy in the start because she's in the
11:06
humor. Gotcha. Well, her name is Misery.
11:09
And then she explains to the
11:10
governor that's like, why would you be Misery? I
11:14
can help change the name. And
11:15
she's like, it's because we don't want two like,
11:18
Madison's at school when I haven't two of them. But
11:21
there's one Owen. Literally. That's the most normal
11:28
fucking name on this planet. Right?
11:30
I know at least three. Honestly,
11:34
it was kind of growing on me in the end, but I
11:36
don't. I think it was because it
11:37
was the only thing that wasn't realistic. But
11:40
it was also giving me violence. But
11:44
miserable. Literally. She's a miserable bitch.
11:47
She kind of low key is if the
11:49
shoe fits. Lace that bitch up. I
11:53
hope ballet flats don't actually come back. Look
11:55
low key. And the tangent. You
11:57
know how 2000s fashion is coming back? I've
11:59
seen a couple. Sorry. I had just a whistle or
12:03
reaction to that. Anyway, if the ballet flat fits.
12:07
She would wear ballet flat.
12:09
This bitch would. She
12:10
would. She would. She's
12:11
so basic. Yeah. Who even is she? The
12:15
start. I was like, okay, just don't
12:17
marry him then. Problem solved. Book
12:19
over. Yeah. That's not the point. She's
12:22
trying to find. She's a virgin who's never been
12:25
interested in relationship. I
12:27
thought she was having a fucking lesbian. I
12:29
was like, and then she's like, oh yeah, I'll just
12:32
totally marry the alpha way. Let's
12:34
be fucking for real for a minute. That
12:37
man was a virgin too. Yeah,
12:40
actually. Yeah. Wasn't that cannon? I
12:45
don't think it was, but it was. It's
12:48
cannon. It's cannon. Like
12:49
literally you cannot convince me. We've
12:51
just decided. You cannot convince me. He
12:54
is the most virgin man energy I've ever read in
12:57
my life. His name is Low. He
13:00
likes to get low. It's like, please, I'll make him
13:05
interesting. Books with the fur. He
13:09
would have the fur. We're making him more interesting
13:11
than he already is. Low is, oh, every male
13:17
character ever. Did we ever get a description
13:20
of Low besides his eyes? Because
13:21
I don't recall one. No. We sort of got hints that
13:25
he was just a big buff bitch. With
13:29
big bitch. 14 shoes. Give me that big bitch with the
13:35
size 14s. Fuck off. You're
13:38
getting nowhere near me. Fucking
13:40
Goliath. Fuck off. This
13:43
isn't right. What fucking little girl. What
13:48
little woman. It's like, yeah, give me the
13:50
biggest, baddest man. Fuck off. Size
13:53
queens. Am I right? I'm
13:57
just like, what bitch? Because
13:59
you know what? In books, how they're always
14:00
like, I'm so petty. And then they'll be like, oh,
14:05
that's a huge man. That's nine foot seven. At
14:08
this point, are they even taller or is that bitch
14:10
just small? I don't know. It's
14:12
an old conclusion at this point. Oh
14:15
my god. I don't even know what's
14:17
going on anymore. Look, you're actually in a
14:21
fucking one of those clown mirror faces. This
14:28
is how unhinged this book made me feel. Oh,
14:33
turns out she's not gay. Yes.
14:36
Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert. Serena
14:38
just made a download the software to her hardware.
14:42
But I just didn't get the
14:44
dynamic at the start. And then we realized with a
14:46
bit more information, Serena was like her human pet to
14:50
make her feel OK. Honestly, they would just trauma
14:55
bonded at this point. And then they're pretty much
14:58
like sisters. Sisters from another mistress. Yeah.
15:02
But she went missing. And that's the only thing we're
15:04
supposed to care about in this book. I
15:05
don't give a fuck about Serena. Never
15:08
have, never will. But they kept bringing it up.
15:11
They kept bringing it up like
15:12
I'm supposed to give a fuck. I
15:13
honestly, every time she came up, I was like, I
15:15
don't care. I want the romance. I
15:18
want the spice everyone lied to me about.
15:21
Literally, we have been hoodwinked,
15:23
bamboozled and let us straight. I
15:25
should have known better. We
15:27
should have known. Come on now. You
15:28
should have known. Well, I'm like seeing for weeks
15:32
with shit about the nodding, which we'll get
15:34
to. And that's it. And
15:36
I was like, and all the spice. And
15:37
then I was like, bro, where is the spice? The
15:40
fact that I already made to talk about this book
15:42
before we've even recorded this goes to show because
15:45
I would never normally do that. It
15:48
is literally just fanfic. This
15:50
is what pad quality. How did it elevate to this
15:53
level? I don't know. It's
15:56
fine. I could probably write a
15:59
better book with my ass. It's
16:02
juicy. I get it. Just
16:05
put a quill in these cheeks and let it go to
16:08
town. I just don't know. What
16:13
is this dialogue? What is honestly the only thing
16:17
that got me through was her talking, her dialogue.
16:20
But then sometimes I was
16:22
confused. I was like, where did you
16:23
pull these words out of? She
16:25
was always trying to be witty in a way. Yeah.
16:29
It was fine. Is she giving pick me though?
16:32
Really? I don't think so. Why
16:35
not? I don't think pick me. OK.
16:37
I think she's bored. And the only way she entertains
16:40
herself. She's doing it for the plot.
16:42
This girl does it for the plot.
16:44
She because it's not like she
16:46
does it to herself to get sympathy. She's
16:51
over boring people and this is how she entertains
16:54
herself. Well, to be fair, she's
16:55
essentially been locked up her entire life. So
16:57
she's like, OK, if I at least get married to him
17:00
and do that exchange, then at least I can leave this
17:04
room. She's like, I've pretty much done
17:07
this already. It's fine. It
17:09
starts off with him getting married, though, which is
17:11
always a bad sign. Absolutely.
17:14
I don't even care about the arranged marriage. I
17:17
just wanted to know what green shit he put on her
17:19
that never came up again. It
17:21
came up once. Once? The veins shit? Yes.
17:24
What was it? Was it paint decorative or was
17:27
it to symbolize the stank smell that she's supposed
17:31
to have? I think it was supposed to
17:33
have the smell. He's like, I researched and
17:36
imported. But what is it? What
17:41
do you think it is? I don't know. If
17:43
it's like, then it's some random hormones or
17:46
pheromones and they're not mates and it defeats the
17:49
purpose. Is it just some wolf booty
17:51
pheromones? Wolf butt sweat? Literally,
17:57
they extracted it from his actual mate that he
18:00
actually wanted, Gabby. Yes. They just extracted her
18:03
booty hole and put it on. And
18:05
then that's why he actually likes her. Okay.
18:08
Can I just say, you know at the wedding, you know
18:11
how he was pulling the disgusted faces? All
18:13
I could think about was that scene in Twilight
18:15
where Edward's sitting in the science room and he's
18:17
like, yeah, that's all I could imagine. And
18:20
I was pissing myself laughing because of course
18:23
the Alpha Werewolf arranged husband hates how attracted
18:28
he is to her. It's every other book. Yeah.
18:31
They're always so attracted and so like, why do you
18:34
hate? Women so much. Literally
18:35
calm down. Calm your shit. And
18:39
you just knew from the start that they were mates.
18:42
He smelled her and was like,
18:43
nah, it's typical. Typical wolf. Typical.
18:48
Couldn't even cope. She's constantly bathing this girl
18:51
because she's so like, oh, I smell really bad. Would
18:54
you not just let her know that she does not smell
18:57
that bad? Men don't do that. They
19:00
encourage you to think you're stinky. Yeah,
19:04
it's the negging, isn't it? It's
19:05
the negging and fall flaws. It's
19:07
the negging for me. It's why we even have a
19:09
feminine product market. It's
19:12
because men just pretend that women stink for some
19:15
reason. Oh, it's their dirty dicks.
19:18
It's straight up from their
19:20
dirty dicks. Anyway, dirty dickholes. Cheese
19:24
dick brains. I love how just off track we
19:29
are already. This is more important than the
19:31
book to be fair. PSA dirty dickholes. Anywho,
19:35
honestly, I thought there'd be more dramas at the
19:38
wedding, but it was like a fade to black of weddings
19:40
and it pissed me off. It was so roomy. Yoga.
19:44
You're going to tell me that one, he pinned her to
19:47
a wall. I don't know what he did.
19:49
Everyone's got guns out. Everyone's
19:52
got their nails, teeth out, whole. Everything's
19:55
out. Dicks out. Dicks
19:58
out for the goyals. They're swinging. Then
20:02
10 minutes later, we're putting a ring on. I
20:05
was like, bitch, you could have had the most drama
20:09
and you gave me nothing. But
20:11
this is what they want it. This
20:12
is what everyone agreed to. So
20:14
shut the fuck up. Retract your stupid claws and your
20:17
fangs and your dicks. Also, why is he full on ripping
20:21
her when she's like, we need to calm it down?
20:24
She's like, I don't want this.
20:25
And he's like, oh, it's
20:29
uncontrollable. Urge. Obviously, though, when she
20:34
agreed to marry him, because I didn't know the
20:37
context of what she was fucking going through at
20:40
that moment yet, I thought she was full fangirling.
20:43
She heard the name and I
20:44
thought she was like, oh, I have a poster of him on
20:47
my wall. That's who I'm marrying for life.
20:50
Same. Well, what else information
20:52
did we have at the time? Well,
20:53
just nothing. Zero context. Why
20:56
was Dad at the start giving luscious Malphoy and
21:00
old mate Vincent from Serpent in the Wings of
21:02
Night and then just fucking disappear for the entire
21:04
book and only pop up at the end? To
21:06
be trash. Yeah. Yeah. But
21:09
why do we always have to have a dad figure in these
21:11
kind of books? I just shut up. Why
21:13
did she have to kill her mom? Yeah.
21:16
Why? He got the name Owen. He
21:18
came out first. Had a terrible birth. They
21:21
even say it in there. But she was the one that took
21:23
her out. So she had to be misery.
21:26
Bidiculous. Men just get away with
21:29
everything. Even in book world. Even.
21:32
Even the Fowlens' Fault. Everything's
21:37
Owen's Fault, to be honest. To
21:38
be fair, I don't remember the dad's name, not for a
21:40
minute. There was a Vincent somewhere,
21:43
but I don't think that was... He
21:45
doesn't matter. He only pops at the end to
21:47
have a fucking male authority figure. Why
21:51
did we ever need him? We then are immediately
21:55
thrusted. Thrusted. We're not ready to be
21:58
thrusted yet. Into... I don't know if we go to
22:02
the wedding party where he sniffs her out, or if it's
22:06
straight up into the bedroom where she's
22:08
sleeping. Because this is where it's all
22:10
over the place. It's like wedding, wedding party.
22:13
And then it goes six weeks
22:15
before they're married. And then it goes back to after
22:18
wedding. And it was just like, what? We
22:20
didn't need to have the wedding first. No.
22:24
Honestly, you could have cut out the wedding. It's
22:26
like it was trying to do that to be twisty, but
22:28
there was no twist in this book. No.
22:29
It was just like... Yeah, get it. I
22:31
just got confused because they were in her bedroom.
22:34
Yeah. And this is where the
22:35
sister breaks in. But then they were like, last
22:38
night, when I was driving into the house, I'm like,
22:41
what's the point? There is no point. Just
22:43
trying to annoy me. You know, whenever someone's
22:46
arranged, married, in these kind of books, they're
22:49
always immediately locked in a room, just indefinitely.
22:52
Why did he... Why
22:53
can't they do anything? It's
22:55
always like, oh, now I have you. You're
22:57
under my protection. Get in your room. Get
23:00
in your room, bitch. Forever.
23:02
When that's how she was raised. But
23:04
they take away her internet too. Like
23:06
at least give her the fucking internet. Give
23:07
her tic -tocs so she can bed rot. Like
23:10
she's immortal, right? I have no... Who
23:12
even knows? I don't know. They
23:14
didn't even let her have Netflix. They
23:16
moved a vampire into the house and were like, we're
23:19
not going to give you curtains. You
23:21
can just sleep in the closet. And
23:24
also, why did at no point, someone move a mattress in
23:27
there for her? Or get her a mattress to fit
23:29
in there? He's got good questions with
23:31
none of them answered. You know what, though? Why
23:34
the fuck? Why did they have to take
23:36
Gabby to be with Owen? Explain
23:40
this better. Yeah. There's this exchange
23:43
program where they have an exchange tutor from each
23:46
side and they take him to promise that they won't
23:49
have war on each other and they're supposed to be
23:51
valuable enough so that they won't go back on
23:53
their promise. Like that's going to change
23:55
anything. These fucking species have
23:57
supposedly been fighting since the dawn of time. So
24:00
they're just going to trade one little measly life. Who
24:03
cares? Yeah. And it's for a year. Like
24:06
that fixes anything. What happens after the year?
24:09
Because an arranged marriage is
24:10
always a year, remember? It's
24:11
always a yearly contract. And
24:13
then they have to... Like they have to live off. And
24:15
then they're like, we'll call off the divorce. Why
24:18
even get married at that point? Just
24:19
exchange the people. Actually,
24:21
I don't even... I do not understand why they
24:25
had to get married but Gabby and Owen didn't. Like
24:28
that makes no sense to me. It
24:30
was just a bit decided. Who
24:31
could say my wife? That's the only reason and you
24:34
know it. I never want to hear my wife
24:36
ever again. It was every two seconds. My
24:38
wife? Take a shot every time you read
24:40
Alpha. I was not okay. On
24:46
the floor. Take a shot though. On
24:47
the floor. Between Alpha and wife, dead. Dead.
24:51
Deceased. It's always like that in books
24:54
though because then it's supposed to make us all
24:55
tingly to be like... You're my wife now. Yeah,
24:59
but he's cool. Like, what are you doing, wife?
25:01
That... He doesn't... He
25:03
doesn't... He doesn't... What
25:04
are you doing, wife? Wife. It's giving Dwight from the
25:08
office. Like just... What
25:09
are you doing, wife? He doesn't even say it in any
25:11
sex. Like, that's my wife. It's
25:14
what are you doing in here? Wife.
25:17
Terrible. Not like, that's my wife. Don't
25:20
touch her. She can imagine a whole pack
25:24
of vampires coming. That's my wife. Don't
25:27
touch her, please. Skips off into the distance. You
25:35
know how you said he kind of looked like a fox? Can
25:38
we not agree that Robin Hood, the fox version, has
25:42
more swag than old mate Lo? Hello?
25:45
How good would that be? If you're going to give me a
25:48
super... Literally. You've got to copy that
25:50
shit right now. If you were that... It
25:52
really is. It's called Robin Hood or what
25:54
is the fox? Disney. No, no. The...
25:57
Is there a fox version? Yeah,
25:59
he's a fox. You know, Robin Hood. Yeah.
26:02
And he's a fox version. He has way more riz. And
26:05
he's a little fox than this big ass Lo guy. Is
26:09
it... Show me. It's
26:11
not Mr. Fox, is it? Like,
26:13
Roald R. No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
26:13
no. No. I was like, that's a
26:16
kid's... What are we doing? Okay,
26:18
hold on. Robin Hood. Robin
26:22
Hood. Fox. Are you opening a new
26:24
world to me? Because I read a lot of shit.
26:27
Yes, it's this guy. It's
26:28
Robin Hood. Oh, I... He
26:30
has way more swag. And he's a little boy. Yeah,
26:33
yeah, yeah. That's a little... He's
26:35
a little Victorian child. And
26:37
he still has more swaggy... Than
26:40
Lo. I don't know if he's stealing
26:42
from the rich. She's giving to the poor.
26:44
Amazing. Look at him. He
26:45
was made marrying. Same species. Take
26:50
note, Ally Hazelwood. No, the point is... This
26:55
is the whole point of the... Yeah,
26:58
but she did it badly. I'm just trying to understand
27:03
how marrying a vampire benefits werewolves when
27:06
they're on the bottom of the food chain. She
27:09
doesn't even have fangs. If she wanted to... She
27:11
has fangs. They grow back. But
27:13
she grinds them down on the rig. Not
27:15
anymore, because he's obsessed. But
27:18
I mean, okay, who's fighting who? What's
27:20
going on in the world that they need to have this
27:22
arrangement? Because it's apparently humans. What
27:26
are the humans doing apart from polluting the earth?
27:30
Like water. What
27:34
do you want from us? I'm like... You've
27:36
got your blood. Yeah, you don't need it. You
27:39
little baggy blood. What else do you need? Take
27:44
your sustenance and fucking go. We're
27:46
literally trying to find the point here. It's
27:50
so hard. Why are we doing all this? For
27:53
who? For what reason? This
27:56
is when we find out she's not pure fangirling. She
28:00
found a name. Got the wrong name, obviously,
28:02
because you know, she's no good at journalism, like
28:06
her friends. But why wouldn't the police
28:08
believe her? Why are the police are like,
28:10
she would just leave you, bitch. Yeah,
28:13
they're like, oh, you had one argument. She
28:15
fucking hates you. Yeah, she's not a fan. And
28:17
they're like, oh, she's only had the cat for a
28:18
week. You're irrelevant. Yeah.
28:21
She doesn't care about this cat. Although
28:23
the police have a lot of work to do. So
28:25
she gets attacked. Of course, some random vampires
28:28
have killed his family. And he decides to, you know,
28:33
this untrained werewolf decides to kill her
28:36
himself. What the? How
28:38
is she safe with it? Like, I don't... I
28:41
don't understand also why they're the top of the
28:43
food chain. They're stronger, faster, bigger,
28:48
everything than her. But her getting her fangs out.
28:53
Shut them up real quick. What
28:54
is she going to do with them? What
28:56
is she physically going to do? Because
28:58
she's got no sharp nails. So
29:00
she's just going to bite him. And
29:02
we've read what happens when that happens. Exactly.
29:06
So she's just going to... Get
29:08
horny. Get horny for this 15 year old
29:10
boy. Sorry. I didn't realise his age.
29:14
That's a statutory. Yeah.
29:18
Um, sorry. Sorry, sorry. Like,
29:20
what are you going to do, girl? Also,
29:21
if you're a werewolf, wouldn't you have that
29:23
thick -ass fur, thick -ass skin? It's
29:26
going to take a lot for her to get down to the
29:27
actual skin and bite to actually feed off of him.
29:31
So... I love how they then all
29:33
of them run upstairs and they're just like, oh, she
29:35
was trying to... With what? And
29:37
why would she do that, though? Why
29:39
would she be in her own room? To
29:42
attack some werewolf? Also, there's like a point where
29:46
she's hiding knives under a pillow. Yeah.
29:49
And he's like, oh, there's better knives in the
29:51
kitchen because they aren't going to work. How
29:53
is she a threat? It's just a butter knife. She's
29:56
just a buttering baby. It's the most baby butter knives
29:58
that have the really curved edge. Then
30:00
he's like pulling her into the office, right? That
30:04
Juno... There's some weird fucking names in
30:06
this book, eh? It's like, she's a liar. Max
30:10
isn't a loyalist. And I'm like, girl, you are
30:13
DeLulu. Fucking misery doesn't even know
30:15
what a loyalist is at this rate. She
30:17
doesn't even know... She doesn't even know... Why
30:18
would she lie about anything? She
30:19
just wants a house. She just wants... She
30:22
just wants to get Serena back, honestly. That's
30:24
the only reason why she signed up for this. And
30:26
somehow, in this little conversation after Juno
30:31
leaves, it comes up that she is a virgin and he's
30:34
surprised. And I'm like, why are you
30:35
surprised? And also, why is she a virgin?
30:39
Why does she need to be a
30:40
virgin? Why is she inexperienced at 25?
30:43
She's just never thought about
30:45
sex because she's a vampire. Is
30:47
what we're supposed to believe. I
30:48
thought vampires were horny all the time. That's
30:51
literally also what they said. I
30:52
don't know. And also, how old is this man?
30:55
Low. Yeah. I
30:56
don't think they ever said, did they? No.
30:59
He's giving very immature for his age, whatever it
31:01
is. I'm like, is he 25 or is he
31:03
40? Because he gives 40, but he gives
31:05
like 15. Which tracks? You
31:09
know what's really embarrassing? What?
31:11
And this is a bit further into it. When
31:13
she realises, because she assumed Gabby was his mate,
31:17
the moment you realised that Gabby didn't even want
31:21
him, wouldn't that give you the biggest ick? Yeah.
31:24
But she didn't even want the alpha, this gross, no.
31:29
Virginal low dude. Oh,
31:31
foul. No. Alps is apparently supposed
31:34
to be celibate. They're supposed to be celibate,
31:37
which makes no sense. In the world of alphas. It's
31:41
because they're supposed to have one mate forever, is
31:43
that why? No, they're a distraction. It's
31:47
giving McLavin. Giving me anxiety. Low
31:54
just gives me McLavin. Just,
31:57
but she ends up, because of this weird thing that
32:02
happened, she gets around the clock supervision. I'm
32:06
like, who is it for? I don't. Do
32:09
not have other things you need to do. No.
32:13
She couldn't even take a shower. She
32:15
couldn't even take a shit by herself. But
32:18
where, who's the supervisor? Just
32:20
anyone he, anyone. Like guards. Yeah,
32:23
guards. She either has Mick, she has
32:25
Juno, she has Cal. Like they don't have other shit
32:28
to do. That's embarrassing. It
32:30
is. What's she gonna do? But
32:32
to be fair, we don't actually know what they are
32:34
doing. Except, oh my god, get this.
32:37
Because you know the bit where she
32:39
goes, are we rich husband? Oh
32:42
yeah, yeah. But anyway, guess what they're
32:45
doing? She was doing it. No,
32:47
that, yeah. Guess what they're doing? What?
32:50
Guess what the werewolves are doing? They're
32:53
literally buying investment portfolio. Like
32:56
they've got an investment portfolio. It's
32:58
stock pros. It's 365 all over again. They're
33:03
on the fucking stock exchange all day. They're
33:05
flipping investment properties. They
33:07
don't have regular jobs. They
33:08
do go to work. But somehow they have the most
33:10
outrageous degrees. They're all like accountants. Just
33:14
beware wolves. What's going on? Why
33:17
is Juno like a blood scientist? Whatever
33:20
it's called. Oh, why is it husband that we
33:23
have such a good lifestyle? Bitch.
33:26
We don't even know what kind of house you're living
33:28
in. We don't know what kind of
33:29
clothes you're wearing. What kind of car he's driving.
33:32
No, we don't know shit
33:34
actually. No, that's what I mean. The
33:36
world building does not make any sense. She
33:39
could be sitting in a dark cave and this all could be
33:41
in her imagination for a while. Well,
33:42
they said biodynamic house. I
33:44
don't know what that means. Let's
33:46
be for real. They're in the middle of a forest.
33:50
Probably. Are they? They
33:51
couldn't give us that. At least say the werewolf
33:54
hideout was in the woods. Just
33:56
give us one fucking sentence. Oh,
33:59
way to. Do you know what a biodynamic
34:01
house is? Is it like eco -friendly? Yes.
34:05
It's like one of them organic houses. Fuck
34:08
me. To save the fucking planet.
34:10
They've all got Teslas. This
34:13
is. There's corn out back. There's
34:16
corn and wheat to the side. Do
34:17
you think that they were trying to go for the
34:19
Twilight House? You know how it was. That's
34:21
not biodynamic. Yeah, but it looked like it
34:23
could be. Fuck. And if there was cork on
34:26
the wall. That was a window prison. Why
34:30
do they care about the environment? If
34:32
they're vampires and they're immortal. No,
34:34
it's the werewolves. Sorry. Yeah, like if they're
34:36
because they sniff dirt all day. They
34:39
roll around in the mud. So they want to roll around.
34:42
Why do they want to roll
34:42
around? This human life so bad. Because
34:44
they're humans. Why are they doing that? I
34:49
should also. There's two questions about this.
34:51
Why are we talking about
34:52
werewolves? There's a point in there where
34:54
they're like only the strongest ones can turn
34:57
when it's not a full moon. And
34:59
only the strongest ones can. Not
35:03
turn when it's a full moon. But
35:04
Serena's out here fucking turning in the end, swiller
35:08
for the end. So you're telling me she's
35:10
probably competition for Lowe. Because
35:14
they pretty much said that is not possible unless
35:18
they're really strong, right? And
35:20
you know, she's a newbie. She
35:21
only just started. So of course she has to be
35:23
abnormally strong. It just tracks with female
35:26
main character energy. You know what though? Who
35:29
cares about his stupid little sister Anna? Who
35:33
the fuck cares? Why do these books always turn
35:35
into an ancestry .com about their fucking family tree?
35:38
I don't care. I
35:40
honestly think she was in there for like comedy. I
35:43
think she was in there to make him the protective
35:46
older brother. And also to fill it a bit.
35:49
Because he wasn't there all the
35:50
time, but Anna was there all the time. Can
35:52
we can we just talk about the fact that when Lowe
35:57
was described in Mates and all of that lore, all of
36:01
that lore, shall we say? And
36:03
the bit where he out of himself is not being
36:06
rejected by Gabby. Anyway, the bit where he was like,
36:10
oh yeah, so and so men on Tinder online. And
36:14
I was like, so we're just people again. Yeah,
36:17
yeah, we're just, oh, this is the one here on the
36:18
roof where she's like, yeah. And
36:20
he's telling her all about werewolves and mates and
36:22
blah, blah, blah. And he's like, oh, well, so
36:23
and so and so and so men online. Okay,
36:25
eHarmony. Like what? Who?
36:27
Shut up. Shut up. Take
36:30
every fucking little bit of vampires and werewolves out
36:33
of this book. I'm fucking threatening you
36:35
because this is not a fantasy book. Get
36:39
absolutely fucked sideways. It's
36:42
a fantasy book of the year, Carla. Stop
36:46
it. You know, I don't even like
36:48
fantasy, but if you're going to do it this badly,
36:50
like it's not even actually fantasy. You
36:52
know, the thing is, I just, there will be a
36:55
fantasy one day that will convince you, I'm sure. I
36:57
know. But it's, I just, it's not
37:00
this one. It's not this one. It's
37:02
not this one. It's so hard. No,
37:03
I know, I know. But that's why I'm so offended
37:06
by this because it's just nothing slapping. And
37:09
like the only other ones are full series and ain't
37:13
nobody got time for eight book series. I
37:15
know. That's why we'll just have to
37:16
start and hope that one of the first other series will
37:20
get us somewhere. You know how in normally in
37:23
these kind of books or shows or series, there's a
37:27
certain element and she hides that she's a vampire
37:29
so she can integrate into human life. Yeah.
37:32
We don't even know if the humans know they exist.
37:35
Yeah, I'm just so confused. No,
37:38
they do because at the start of the book, when
37:40
she gets pulled up at a job by a fan or whatever,
37:43
he's like, there's a vampire in here. So
37:46
they're not meant to exist with humans, but they don't
37:49
feed on humans. When she's asking about mates
37:53
and stuff, he's so fucking weird every single time.
37:57
Like we get it. She's
37:58
your mate. We're aware. Literally.
37:59
She's not aware. You're aware. But
38:02
why is he so offended when she uses the word? He's
38:04
like, don't use something you don't understand. And
38:07
it's like - Because he won't tell her. Don't
38:08
keep keeping. Don't be fucking condescending.
38:11
He's not for the girls in 2024.
38:13
No, he's not. And
38:13
you can't tell me, he's not a girl's girl. He's
38:16
like jamming it down a throat at the same time.
38:18
He doesn't want to answer the
38:19
questions. Yeah. But he does and he's like,
38:21
I would do anything for her. I
38:23
would sniff her ass every day. I
38:25
know. He's talking about her in the
38:27
third person when she's fucking right there. And
38:29
everyone knows that he's talking about her. And
38:31
the worst thing is everyone knows. She
38:34
doesn't know. But every time they talk about
38:36
it, she's like, yeah, but you're a cat. She
38:38
would be really into that. Gabby
38:40
would love you. Yeah. She finds out it's not
38:43
Gabby. Like it clicks. She's
38:44
like, you just need to tell your mate. Or
38:47
for this man having, honestly, I'm not gonna
38:49
lie. He doesn't even make it onto
38:51
a book boyfriend list. And if he does, he's just so
38:54
bare minimum. He doesn't even, you don't
38:57
even know what he looks like. At
38:58
least he's got - He's got other books you know what
39:00
they look like. Yes. Bare minimum. Bare
39:03
minimum. He's got no personality. What
39:06
even is his personality except for things that she
39:09
uses to describe him? Nothing.
39:11
He doesn't provide - He doesn't provide banter? He's
39:14
got the smallest bare minimum banter when they're
39:17
on the roof, right? This is when they decide she's
39:20
gonna go to California because of course, he's a
39:23
literate with - He's so technology illiterate. So
39:27
I'm like, is he a 70 year old man at this point?
39:29
Because I don't know his age. I
39:32
don't know what he looks like. He
39:33
typed Google into Google apparently. He
39:36
takes blurry pictures of Anna. So
39:38
she's - That poor girl's got nothing when she goes
39:40
up because you can't tell me he's not one finger
39:43
methoding the computer. And he really was convinced
39:46
that he'd be able to hack into Emory's server on the
39:50
phone. He was just like, I'll just
39:51
slowly type it in. And wasn't this to help her
39:55
find Serena? Yes. So he's like, yeah sure, I
39:59
can use the database. I don't want you to use the
40:01
database because maybe you'd find your way onto Tinder
40:03
and find someone better than me. Just
40:06
let it use the fucking computer at this point.
40:08
Even when she's on the computer,
40:10
they're like, oh what was she searching? And
40:12
then they were like, oh what are you trying to do?
40:14
And it's like, she was
40:15
searching the fucking newspaper and her girl's
40:19
name. What do you think she's going
40:20
to do with that? I'd be like, how to kill
40:22
werewolves. And then I'd be like, I don't
40:25
know how they got on there. Who
40:27
knows? Who knows? How
40:30
to tell if someone's obsessed with you. This
40:33
man, so obsessed. It was so badly done. You
40:36
know how there's the pining? Yeah,
40:38
he was just sniffing air constantly. But
40:41
he wasn't giving pining, he was giving Edward
40:43
constipated in science class. Over
40:46
and over and over and over and over and over and
40:48
over. No development, no growth. No,
40:50
because even there's a bit in the office where she's
40:52
leaving the office and turns around and he's like,
40:54
whiffing her. Why would she smell good to
40:57
him though? Because they're mates, that's how
40:58
it works. But they're not, it's just.
41:01
That's how it is, Carla. I
41:03
know it doesn't make any sense. It's
41:05
the same with fucking fairies. It's
41:08
the same with werewolves. They
41:10
have pheromones. Yeah, they smell it and they're
41:12
like, Ongo Boonga, that's my girl. Ongo
41:15
Boonga! Stop. You know what though? The
41:19
scene with the peanut butter was again when it
41:21
was king of wrath, because the only conversation they
41:24
had was around for it. And I hated that scene so
41:27
much. She, oh I'm so embarrassed to
41:30
eat a brood of peanut to bea -tya. I
41:32
think she's pretending to be human being for how
41:35
long, sis. It's because she practically
41:37
lifted off the floor. And that's your real problem.
41:40
That's your, yeah. And
41:43
who cares? And then she's like sucking the
41:46
peanut butter off her finger and then he's just
41:48
like, Yeah, he's obsessed. He's
41:51
probably picturing it in his face. You
41:52
know that he wanted to ask if she shits. That's
41:55
what I wanted to know. Yeah,
41:57
but you know that that's what he's thinking. He's
41:59
like, you digest food. Where
42:01
does it go? How that butt go girl. Like
42:03
you know that that's what he's thinking. And
42:06
that's like. When she's like eating it and
42:11
she's like, take it away. And
42:12
he's like, nah, I'm just, oh, you know, he was, she
42:15
was just slicing that peanut butter off that
42:17
spoon. Disgusting. Can we talk about the
42:22
plane? Because you bring it up. But
42:25
can we talk about the weird sniffing licking? Oh,
42:29
that's right. That happened on the plane. That
42:31
happened on the plane because he told her how to
42:34
have to make you smell like me. It's
42:36
not quick. Quick. I can see my enemies from
42:38
the cabinet window. I'm like, would you do that
42:41
before you got on the plane? I've
42:43
had so much more time. Man with stress. Anyway,
42:47
quick, quick. Pretend what they do. Is
42:52
this what Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey do on their
42:55
private jet? Oh, 100 % before Touch Now.
42:57
Yes. It's what, yeah. Why?
43:02
Why? Okay. Why is this man so consent
43:05
king, but he didn't want to give her any information
43:07
about what was happening because he goes, I'm going
43:10
to make you smell like me. And
43:12
then he goes, I'm just rubbing my skin against
43:14
yours and his tongue. And that's what he tells her.
43:17
I was like, you didn't want
43:18
to tell her you were about to fucking bite down on
43:20
her spine. Literally. You didn't want to tell
43:22
her that you were going to like make out with her
43:24
entire neck. You're practically tongue -punching
43:26
her fart pops. And he's like, you got to
43:29
stop. His tongue was through her ear
43:31
through the other side. And she was like, this is the
43:35
most normal thing I've ever done. He's,
43:38
as if he's asking to hold her hand to do one of
43:40
those little delicate kisses on the top. And
43:42
he's just rubbing his tongue. But
43:43
really, he's just like, yeah, licking all between
43:47
her fingers. Not like, fucking fingers. All
43:51
under her little fingernails. Fucking
43:53
foul. They can probably see them
43:54
through the window being like, oh, look at these
43:56
fake bitches. You can't be full consent,
43:59
King, and be like, I need your consent without telling
44:01
her you're going to eat her entire neck. She
44:05
didn't care. She didn't care. She
44:06
was warning for the first time in her life. She,
44:09
yeah, that bite sparked the arstapina's grub. I
44:16
can't do that. But I just, why? Could
44:18
you imagine sitting there? She's
44:23
sitting there and she's like, is it weird for you
44:25
as it is weird for me? And
44:26
he's like, no, it's not weird. Meanwhile,
44:28
she's just patiently sitting there while he's like
44:32
sniffing up and down her neck. And
44:33
then he turns her around. He
44:35
wasn't even going to bite any of that. I
44:39
just can't deal with him pretending this is normal.
44:44
But then he panics and steps
44:45
back and then I'm like, just commit to the bit at
44:49
this point. Just bite on it. Why,
44:51
you could have just, that would smell so bad. But
44:54
then she was itching to bite him. Yeah,
44:56
because she got all horny. There
44:58
was a point where Lowe said, there you are. And
45:01
I got fucking trauma flashbacks from there she
45:05
is. It was exactly the same
45:06
context too. There was in the last book we
45:10
read or the book before. The
45:12
Serpent and the Wings of Light. No,
45:14
no, it was in that book. But
45:15
I think it was in Floralis where they said it a
45:18
couple of times too. And I'm like now, now that
45:20
we've unseen it. No, it's everywhere all the
45:24
time. Immediately after the plane thing,
45:27
we're thrusted into Emory's life. I
45:30
know it just gets scarier and scarier. Strap
45:35
in guys. It's just getting hot. It
45:38
honestly gets so much worse from here. And
45:39
I read a couple of reviews and everyone, well, the
45:42
people that did not finish, did not finish around the
45:44
40 to 50 % mark. Thank fuck you guys because you
45:48
guys, you miss, you made a good like decision. Because
45:50
you just honestly get so much worse. You
45:52
miss all the funniest things because. I
45:55
don't remember shit about Emory. I
45:57
don't remember a shit about why they were there. But
45:59
I do remember them having to buy each other. And
46:02
they were like getting off it. So
46:04
they're hacking because you know, man can't hide. And
46:09
they need a distraction so she buys him. And
46:13
they're like full humping each other. They're
46:17
full going to town humping each other. Like
46:19
are they even hacking? Just give up at this point. I
46:21
don't even, Serena doesn't even want you to find her.
46:24
If this is how it's going to
46:25
be. No, she wants to be left
46:27
alone. Just let her out. She's
46:29
a human being. Just let her go into the world.
46:32
She'll be better off. I
46:34
know. Okay. You can't tell me. He's
46:36
sorry. I was trying to be moving.
46:39
You're tracking so hard. So
46:40
hard because. She, they get caught in her
46:44
office. And she's like just kiss me.
46:47
And he's like. We'll
46:47
totally play this off. Yeah.
46:49
We'll play it off. And he's like that's not going
46:50
to work. They think you're feeding. How
46:52
are they going to know? Yeah.
46:54
What's the difference? What's
46:55
the difference? This man was just horny to get
46:57
bitten. Yeah. But you know, he's just
46:59
trying to trap her. Yeah. From the moment he bit
47:02
her, he was itching. Every chance he got, he wanted
47:05
her to feed. He was so desperate for it.
47:08
He's desperate for me. He
47:09
is. We can't get caught kissing,
47:11
but we can get caught. Fucking
47:14
almost. Feeding off each other. Yeah.
47:17
Okay. Here's a quote. It's
47:18
both of them. Talking. That was about our speech,
47:22
Misery. Badass is my middle name. Your
47:25
middle name is Lynn. Shit. Stop reading my file. Are
47:30
we supposed to fucking sit here and believe that this
47:32
is banter? Yeah. For who? For
47:35
whom? For whom? For
47:37
whom? Let's be real. Misery
47:39
had more chemistry with Alex the other tech guy
47:44
than she did with anyone else. And
47:45
she had more chemistry with Anna. Stop
47:49
it. Yes. But yes, she did. She
47:53
had more fun. She had more chemistry with
47:56
Mick at some point. Like honestly. Not
47:58
Mick. Not Mick. Misery
48:02
Lynn Lark. Misery Lynn Lark. And
48:07
you're telling me she's out in the world pretending to
48:09
be human being? Her mom's name is Misery Lynn
48:12
Lark. Honestly, it fits when you say it
48:15
like that. Only way it works. When
48:17
you said it normally, I was like, no. No.
48:19
But you know, when you get your little hillbilly on.
48:22
Yes. Can we fast forward because
48:24
we're already at them dry humping. Yeah,
48:25
yeah. There was a lot of dry humps.
48:28
Yeah, there was a lot of riding
48:29
up to sex because he's too scared to fuck her. I
48:32
like the only thing I got between that is she gets
48:35
poisoned and then it's all dry humps all over from
48:38
there. How did we get to the point
48:45
in conversation where I don't know, it must have
48:47
been pre -sex. She asked him, do you have a
48:50
condom or something? Fuck off pretending this is a
48:54
fantasy book. Also, a very big thing they
48:58
made. The point they made in that
49:00
little meeting is she got the birth control shot.
49:05
They made it a big thing. Just
49:08
admit that you don't want to ride a fantasy. Yeah.
49:11
The only reason we want to read a fantasy is that we
49:14
don't have to fucking read about condoms, the real
49:17
world taxes. Honestly, when you think about it, I
49:20
think Allie was aiming for entry level fantasy. You
49:23
know how like four -poings entry level fiction. I
49:27
just don't want to hear about it. No.
49:29
I want to hear about it in a contemporary because
49:30
it makes sense. No. When she asked about the
49:33
condom is when we get the first little glimpse of the
49:37
not. Foul. Honestly, at this point, is
49:41
this like furry fetish porn? I
49:45
like I get the point of it. But
49:47
also when you think about the fact we'll go back,
49:50
but like you think about this fact that she's stuck
49:52
on him for half an hour, but he was hyping it up
49:55
to be so painful. And then it was just normal. I
49:58
think because it's supposed to swell so big, but it
50:01
must just swell to disgusting the size of her.
50:04
So it's not even that bad. It
50:05
made me want you fucking hell. And
50:07
that's just me. I don't know. But
50:09
this is where this man comes so fast and I'm
50:12
like, he is a version. Literally.
50:13
He's got no sexual stamina at all. You're
50:16
telling me he's the biggest baddie. Biggest
50:18
baddest baddie. Baddie. And then you're telling me
50:21
that after being completely disappointed with this two
50:25
-pump chump, you've got to stay there for fucking 30
50:28
whole business days. I actually had that exact
50:31
thing as a note. I'm like, he's disgusting. So
50:33
you've got to then you're just reevaluating all your
50:35
life choices. So many quotes of every time
50:38
they had sex that immediately made me want to
50:40
kill myself. Oh, Jesus. Oh,
50:47
no. Like, rest in peace. Fine,
50:53
baby. I just, I'm really sorry for
50:57
that one, but honestly, have you got these quotes?
51:01
I do. Oh,
51:02
no. Let me, okay. For
51:04
one, he makes her say not and then he almost comes
51:07
on the spot. Do you remember that? Yes.
51:09
I had to take a minute. I needed a minute. Remember
51:13
when she said this was the most embarrassing and erotic
51:17
moment of her life when he was explaining the fact
51:22
that they used C -O -M -E -CUM and not C -U -N -KISS
51:26
-A? Get it right. Are
51:30
we trying to be slutty or not? Are
51:34
we slutty or not? My leg. So
51:37
we can go back to the, what? It
51:39
makes it ye olde English, doesn't it? Yes,
51:43
honestly. Has me lady come? So
51:47
we're going to like, just me going crazy in the
51:50
background. Me, I'm just trying to gather
51:53
my thoughts because they're trying to have a logical
51:55
podcast. Me, insane in the background.
51:58
It's just because I haven't had
51:59
the sugar today. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm
52:02
just, yeah. I think. That's
52:05
all right, we'll get through it. It's
52:06
fine. It's fine. I'm
52:08
fine. It's fine. Okay.
52:13
Okay, where were your quotes? I'm
52:14
so sorry. This is the second time they
52:16
actually have proper sex and then we can go back
52:19
to the trauma of the first time they actually have
52:21
sex. But the second, you can't tell
52:23
me that this wasn't written by a 15 year old boy
52:26
misery. You're so warm inside, so wet,
52:29
just for my not. Dead ass. Dead
52:32
ass. I really passed away. Just
52:35
then, I honestly wanted to die. It
52:38
only gets worse from here. The
52:41
next one was misery. I want to live inside you.
52:43
Okay. We know you want to wear
52:45
a skin, but calm down. I'm going to do it misery. I'm
52:50
going to come where I'm supposed to. I'm
52:52
going to pop a knot in your tight little, that's
52:54
it. That man's never had sex. That
52:57
is a 15 year old boy. He's
52:59
like, oh my God. I'm going in raw. No.
53:05
My beautiful mate coming all over my knot. We're
53:08
going to do this every day. And
53:10
when you're ready, I'll bite you where it counts.
53:12
I'll leave a scar and I'll look
53:13
at it every morning and night. Jail.
53:17
Who's trying to convince me that I'm trying to get off
53:20
to someone licking my face like a little doggie every
53:23
day? Terrible. I just still can't get
53:25
past it. I'm coming where I'm going to
53:27
come where I'm supposed to. What
53:30
do you want a gold star? I
53:32
can put it on the fridge. Gisley,
53:35
have we ever read anything this foul? Like
53:38
sometimes I read it and I'm like, oh, maybe. What
53:44
parts were you thinking were a maybe? All
53:46
of it was a stung up hand. No,
53:48
no, no, not this book. Not this book. Ah,
53:50
okay. In other books where I'm like,
53:51
it's not the best but it's. But
53:54
it's giving? It's giving. Like
53:55
I can get how someone gets it. I'm
53:57
like, who's getting off on this chart? Honestly.
54:02
Who's? That's why I made a TikTok and I
54:04
said you need therapy babes. Who?
54:06
Because honestly, I swear to fucking God, if you
54:08
enjoy this book, you need to be on a fucking list.
54:11
I want to scrub it off my
54:12
Kindle list forever. I just want to know. I
54:16
think we're on a list now for simply consuming this
54:19
content. I don't understand how this
54:21
is one of the spiciest books of this year. And
54:25
you're telling me the spices. I'm
54:27
going to do it, Misery. I'm
54:28
going to come where I'm supposed to. A
54:30
book of pussy out. Like that's how low. Like
54:37
honestly, though, like they took the pussy out. They
54:42
did. They, the pussy, it was tight
54:44
little full stuff. Can we go back to the trauma
54:48
of the first time they had sex? Mind
54:50
you, she's a virgin. They're
54:53
slowing it down because he's a two -pump charm.
54:55
We've already gone over. He's
54:56
got to have breaks. You know, he's an old man. He
54:59
needs his walking stick. He needs his electrolytes.
55:04
Anyway, that's the problem. That
55:07
is not the problem. So I'm making a big clunky,
55:10
not really smooth. She starts asking questions
55:13
about the mate thing again. And
55:16
she's like, oh, I know you as a person now. So
55:18
it would not make sense for you that you would be
55:22
sleeping with me and doing this if you had a mate.
55:27
And she's like, so I'm an are
55:29
you mate? And he pretty much is like,
55:31
no, no, you don't understand how it works.
55:34
I'm like, you cannot tell this
55:36
bitch. She doesn't understand when she
55:38
feels this way for one. At this point, he's smearing
55:42
his come on her back. And then he goes, I enjoy
55:45
fucking you and I wish you the best. But
55:47
no, this is a mistake. And also now we've broken up.
55:51
We've broken up. And
55:53
he's like, he's still got the dick smearing come on
55:56
her. And he's like, we're breaking
55:57
up right now. And he's smearing come on her.
56:00
And it's the first time she's
56:02
had sex. Now that I've had sex with
56:04
you, I want nothing to do with you. But
56:07
you know what, though? It's giving the author realized
56:09
they needed a reason to break up. And
56:11
then it's so late in the piece. It
56:13
was like, why are you waiting till like what, 75
56:16
%? And then you just had to throw
56:18
the break up in there like that, though? At
56:20
least make it make sense. I
56:21
just don't understand why you would go back to
56:24
someone who gaslit you in a way after you lost their
56:28
virginity to them. You know what, though? In
56:30
this book, it does the exact thing that all these
56:32
kind of books do. Is the male main character
56:35
just comes back into the scene after they've had
56:38
this horrible breakup. And then they just act like
56:40
everything's normal. And they're surprised when the
56:43
female character just doesn't forgive them and
56:45
acts like that whole breakup didn't happen.
56:47
Because he came in and he was all
56:48
like, he can't wait to see misery. And
56:50
she's just like, what? And then he's surprised. He's
56:53
like, huh? Even after he said all this
56:55
fucking heinous shit work, pretty much pulling her
56:58
crazy saying like, I'm only ever wanted to fuck you.
57:01
That's it. Now
57:02
that I've done it, I'm good. We're
57:04
good. We don't need to do it again.
57:06
He kisses her on the head and
57:07
does the like little I love you mumble into her
57:10
head while she's fucking. She
57:11
can't even cry. Vampires don't cry. Girls
57:14
crying on the inside, screaming, slipping down the
57:17
wall pretty much in the shower. Why
57:19
even break up with her if you're going to say I love
57:21
you? Yeah. While we're talking about
57:23
the sex, can I just say that the lady from the
57:28
fucking doorknob sex book had more chemistry with the
57:33
fucking door than Lohan with misery in their sex
57:39
scenes. It was more believable that
57:41
some chick fucked a doorknob. I
57:42
think because I was too busy trying to get over
57:44
the fact that he was literally putting it in and
57:47
immediately coming every time. I
57:49
know. It was embarrassing. Of
57:51
course one of the bad guys is Mick because he's the
57:55
one guy with the normal name and he's the only
57:58
older person because have you ever noticed in these
58:00
kind of books? Yes. It's always the one older
58:03
character that's like evil. Also
58:05
the one we're not going to be like super pipe for
58:08
like we don't give a fuck about. There
58:09
was someone who's been mentioned but then never
58:12
comes up again until they're the bad guy. I
58:14
will give Ellie this. I did know it was Mick
58:16
immediately day one. I didn't know it was her
58:19
dad. The dad never came was a
58:22
thought on my mind. Because he didn't matter until the
58:25
end. Of course Serena was kidnapped
58:28
by her dad. It was so anticlimactic though.
58:33
Yeah exactly. It
58:34
was just like cool. How bomb would it be if it
58:37
was actually, is it Cohen? The
58:40
random guy he's friends with that's the alpha of
58:42
the Northwest pack. But nothing actually came full
58:47
circle if that makes sense. There
58:48
was nothing tied up nicely that made sense. No
58:51
because she's making a second book. Stop
58:55
it. Why? Honestly I think I just
58:58
read that many books. It's going to be between Serena
59:00
and Heenon. It's kind of like she was like
59:03
oh shit we're at 80 -90 % of the book. She
59:05
better just find Serena and conveniently they break out
59:09
very easily. The dilemmas have started
59:11
delimiting all at once. And they were like mild
59:14
delimories. The way that the dad popped up
59:16
the end just to fucking bore us with dialogue I
59:19
was like fuck off. I know. I
59:21
was like and of course, of course Lowe's there. Of
59:24
course I went there. You know what though? There's
59:27
nothing I hate more. Okay so Gala top tier hated.
59:31
There's nothing I hate more than
59:33
the enemy bad guy speech where they talk for pages
59:36
and pages about why they did what they did. Shut
59:40
the fuck up. If you weren't in the book
59:42
the whole time why the fuck if I got to sit down
59:46
and listen to your bullshit at the end. Peppert
59:48
through the book. Shut the fuck up. Absolutely.
59:52
We know I hate declarations of love. Fucking
59:56
foul. And of course she's got to be
59:57
like you are the best thing that's ever happened
1:00:00
to me and I hope that me dying doesn't ruin your
1:00:03
life. Just know I wouldn't hold it
1:00:05
against you for you to save your seven year old
1:00:08
sister. And then she's like yeah. She's
1:00:14
like a crickets sound effect. And
1:00:16
then she's like oh you know that thing she can't
1:00:19
do. Well she'll be able to do it
1:00:22
at 25. I don't know about you. I'm
1:00:24
stupid as fuck. If you said something like
1:00:26
that to me I'd be like. You're
1:00:28
like what? Algebra? The fuck. What
1:00:31
can she do at 25? What are the possibilities of
1:00:35
her being able to do things at 25? Her
1:00:38
frontal lobe is developed. Oh
1:00:41
like pinot nails. Identify the size. Oh.
1:00:47
Cut crust with her own sandwich. All
1:00:50
right you're like you're gonna need to narrow it
1:00:51
down. I mean like a couple of days
1:00:52
ago that she was making mocktails for everyone for
1:00:55
dinner. That's something she can do when
1:00:57
she's 25. Yeah. Oh the dad admitted that
1:01:01
he was willingly out to kill this girl. And
1:01:04
they were all shocked and I'm like I'm not shocked.
1:01:07
Who would be shocked? What
1:01:09
do you mean Serena? No. Misery. Oh.
1:01:14
Yeah he's like I poisoned you on purpose bitch. Who's
1:01:18
surprised? Who's surprised? He
1:01:21
leaves her at the nest or whatever it is. Goes
1:01:24
back and they're like moping about each other.
1:01:27
I'm like why didn't you have a
1:01:28
conversation before you left? Like
1:01:31
it takes like 20 minutes. If
1:01:33
that. If that. It's
1:01:34
just the miscommunication trope. I
1:01:36
hate it. He flew to get Emory done. I
1:01:40
don't know. Arrested. Fuck me how that works. We
1:01:43
don't know what's this doing. She's
1:01:44
gone to court. She's gone to Judge Judy. That
1:01:48
would be entertaining. I just don't. Of
1:01:51
course it's called a nest. Little
1:01:54
birdies in a nest. Please describe anything for us.
1:01:57
Please I'm begging for a
1:01:59
description. It's a big fucking building with
1:02:01
a lot of floors. Okay don't worry about it. Don't
1:02:03
worry about it. But I mean come on just give
1:02:05
us something. Something for my poor little
1:02:09
eyeballs. I'm a visual learner. If
1:02:12
you've got a well built. Don't
1:02:14
just tell me about how the vampire's on the bottom of
1:02:17
the food chain. Tell me about your surroundings.
1:02:20
It's not that hard. It's
1:02:21
not that hard. If you're going to write a
1:02:22
fantasy book you have leeway to write an extra
1:02:25
100 pages. Exactly. There could have been a
1:02:27
lot less of the dad talking and a lot more of
1:02:31
settings to pepper through the whole book. But
1:02:33
also I guess the biology of the vampires and the
1:02:35
werewolves. Because you know how she was like
1:02:37
oh the temperature of the house is good like this or
1:02:40
that and I'm cold and then I'm not. And
1:02:41
then explain that. Or like vampires get flues and
1:02:45
boring. Boring. Vampires have flim. Like
1:02:49
I don't want to know about that. Yeah.
1:02:51
Tell me why you're sucking blood out of a little
1:02:54
blood sachet. And tell me why no one else
1:02:57
knows that you do this but you're dying off in the
1:03:00
planet because you probably would be fine. Tell
1:03:02
me if you poop. Tell me why you like peanut
1:03:05
butter. But not the crunchy kind or
1:03:07
not the smooth kind of wet. Anyway
1:03:09
it wraps up pretty quickly. She
1:03:12
goes back in she's like I love you. Ba
1:03:15
ba ba ba ba. Why does she even love him. I
1:03:18
don't know they don't even have conversations. He
1:03:23
all her stuff is packed up and she's like I'm not
1:03:25
moving and he's like well bitch I'm just changing the
1:03:27
windows out because you know you can't walk around
1:03:31
the house during the day like this should have been
1:03:33
done years ago. And then we get to the
1:03:37
epilogue and it's just them hanging up a picture frame
1:03:40
and are coming home by the other alpha guy and the
1:03:44
other alpha guy sniffing Serena and that's it. There
1:03:47
was no wrap up. If you're putting in it no
1:03:49
honestly if you're putting in an epilogue I don't
1:03:52
want it three days later it has to be at least six
1:03:55
months to a year later if I'm reading about them
1:03:58
again. Otherwise it's not an epilogue. It's
1:04:00
not the end of the chapter. Yeah
1:04:01
I don't give a fuck about them in three days. I
1:04:05
want to know if she's I hate pregnancies but I want
1:04:07
to know if she's pregnant. I
1:04:08
want to know if they're married. I
1:04:09
want to know if they're living together. I
1:04:12
want to know. That's all point of a romance
1:04:14
book. Yeah the fact that I'm so
1:04:17
offended when I don't even like fantasy is really
1:04:19
what's done it for me. Did you like fourth wing or
1:04:24
you were it was all right. Would
1:04:26
you want something a little bit more than that but not
1:04:29
too much. I think for me the problem
1:04:31
with fourth wing was I didn't know who the baddies
1:04:34
were and why should I care. Exactly.
1:04:37
Remember the baddies I was like what. Yeah
1:04:39
I like something with a proper love triangle. Don't
1:04:41
give me this watered down dame bullshit. Give
1:04:45
me a female main character that actually fucks. I
1:04:49
just want a reason to be rooting for both men and
1:04:52
then to be sad. Yes when she picks Devo. Yeah
1:04:56
rip my fucking soul out. Shit
1:04:59
on it. Should we do two pumps. Two
1:05:04
pumps. Yeah how many two pumpers out
1:05:06
of five. Yes okay. I'm
1:05:09
not going to lie when I was reading it I was like
1:05:10
I'm entertained. Yes. And then it just got worse
1:05:14
so it's devalued since we've had a conversation so
1:05:18
it's a two. Yeah okay so it was okay. It's
1:05:22
a two pump jump. Yeah. Oh very fitting. I'm
1:05:25
going to go one because I was just so offended.
1:05:27
Honestly fair. One
1:05:28
two pumps out of five. When
1:05:30
I was reading it I was like fuck. Yeah
1:05:32
how hard it is to convince Carla to read a fantasy.
1:05:35
It's so hard. Sometimes
1:05:36
she gives me like an idea of what she wants to read
1:05:39
and I try to fit it and it's so wrong. And
1:05:41
I was like yeah it's always so wrong. But
1:05:43
you know what though it's hard to get because we've
1:05:46
only got maybe a couple weeks to read a book. A
1:05:49
real fantasy is looking 600, 700, 800 words. You
1:05:52
know what I mean so to find something that quality
1:05:55
300 for 400 words is absolutely not happening.
1:05:58
It's not doing. And
1:05:59
that's why. So if anyone wants to
1:06:01
recommend a fantasy that could get Carla going
1:06:04
because girl I'm so picky. The
1:06:06
way I'm just trying to convince you it's because
1:06:09
I'm reading and we're two different sections of
1:06:12
reading. That's so true. Is
1:06:14
that it? That is it. Surprise
1:06:16
please. Thanks the Lord. Oh
1:06:19
this is one that I'm never going to remember anything
1:06:21
from. To be fair after I read it
1:06:24
it immediately left my brain. And
1:06:26
usually I remember so many things. Thanks
1:06:28
for joining us on Lose the Plot with Carla and Emily.
1:06:31
Don't forget to rate us five
1:06:32
stars and subscribe if you enjoyed. Slide
1:06:35
into our DMs on TikTok or Instagram. Lose
1:06:37
the Plot podcast.