Latest / Becoming Irresistible / Season 2, Episode 22: How to Get Back Power when you feel Stuck and Powerless.

Transcript

Season 2, Episode 22: How to Get Back Power when you feel Stuck and Powerless. · Becoming Irresistible

• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Becoming Irresistible.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Jay, a high achievement lifestyle strategist and irresistibility expert.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I've been thinking a lot about power lately, and I don't mean power in the sense of status or being the boss.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't mean how much ability you have to control other people.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: I mean something much more ordinary than that.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: The question I'm looking at today is what do you do when you're in a situation where you are simply not the person with the power?
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because I think we give people a lot of advice that assumes they have a lot more power than they actually do.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like set a boundary, tell them no, walk away, get it out of your life.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Don't tolerate it.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, but what if you can't?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: What if you walking away is gonna hurt your kids?
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: What if saying no to your job is gonna take food out of your kids' mouth?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: What if set a boundary comes with repercussions that you just aren't equipped to handle right now?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because maybe technically you can do any one of these things, but the consequences at this time might be so significant that it's not really reasonable.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: And like I said in our prior podcasts, sometimes nobody can understand that cost burden but you because they don't know the intricacies of how one decision can affect everything else in your life.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: So it might be easy for a person who's married but has no kids to walk away from a bad marriage, but it might not be so easy for someone who has three kids and no job to walk away from a marriage.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lot different of a situation.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: The same thing goes for work, and the same thing goes for relationships that are not romantic, for people who just can't recognize your value.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: So if you desperately need a job to feed your children, telling your boss, I'm not gonna tolerate this might not be as empowering as it sounds on Instagram.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can be a college student and your professor can control your grade and determine the future of your career opportunities.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a real power difference there.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: If you're financially dependent on someone, there's a huge power difference there.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're dealing with a family situation where you're saying exactly what you think or what you want to say, but you know that it'll blow up relationships that matter to you, it's not so simple as just saying, well, set a boundary.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because the power imbalance is sometimes very real.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I think pretending it isn't actually makes that advice less useful.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So what I've been thinking about isn't how do I take control of the situation?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because yes, we all have a choice too, but the question really isn't about whether or not you can make that choice.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: The question is really, how high is the cost and consequence to making that choice?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: So I believe the more empowering thing to ask yourself is where can I create control inside a situation that I don't control?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And even more importantly, can I use the things I do control to slowly change how much power this situation has over me?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's not the same to imagine somebody's in a job they really don't like.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the hours are terrible, maybe the environment's difficult, maybe their boss is unreasonable, whatever it is.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: And for whatever reason, you can't leave right now.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: You need the income, you need the health insurance, you have kids, you have debt, there aren't a lot of other jobs in the field, whatever the reason, saying just quit is not really helpful to most of those people.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: They already know that quitting exists.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Just like we talked about with the exercise.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone knows exercising is good for you, but the cost barriers sometimes make it hard for people to do it in reality.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the same thing happens when you're not in control or you don't have the leverage in that situation.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: We already know that walking away and finding something better is the ultimate option, but sometimes the cost and consequence of doing that is so high that it's more painful than staying.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: That doesn't mean I think you should just stay in a situation that's bad.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I think you need to start creating what we call an alternate option.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_00: What if you started putting$10 a week into a different account?
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: $10.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, you won't be able to quit your job just because you saved$10.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And even after 10 weeks,$100 isn't probably gonna give you the freedom to leave your job.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: But something internal to you changes because now you have an alternate option, you have purpose.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a savings, it's the beginning of a new life.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there's something really powerful and psychologically important in that, even when your circumstances have not changed, even when the injustices around you have not changed, even if your salary or income has not changed, but you changed the situation with your actions, you are quietly building an alternative, and that makes it really interesting because sometimes power doesn't even come from changing the thing that has the power over you, like changing your job.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes power comes from needing that thing less.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: There's a concept in negotiation under the acronym B-A-T-N-A, BATNA.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: It stands for best alternative to a negotiated agreement.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it sounds very business schoolish, but the idea is if you're negotiating with someone, one of the things that determines your power is what happens if you don't reach an agreement.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: If you're negotiating with someone who has absolutely no alternative, then you retain a lot of power and leverage over that person.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: But if that person has five other alternate options that are acceptable, suddenly the negotiation is extremely different, even if they do not use any of them.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what's so fascinating.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: What you really have to hone in here today.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes just knowing you have an alternative changes the way you interact in negotiation, changes how you show up to meetings, changes how you show up to your life, because you know the alternative is out there.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: So alternatives have value even if you don't use them.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Even if your account with a hundred dollars is one that you will never use, knowing it's there, knowing it's growing every week or month, gives you a different power when you walk into a room, when you step into a job, when you face a relationship, when you meet your life.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: It changes the way you actively experience that situation and how you actively show up in it.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: It changes your actions.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: So think about that.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: You don't actually have to leave or change who's in charge or find some way to blackmail someone so you have leverage over them.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, you don't have to do that.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't even have to choose the alternate option.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes just having an alternate option changes the amount of power that situation has over you and the way you experience it.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: Let's look at how much of our lives work this way.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine two people.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: One of them gets a$50,000 raise.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing else about their situation changes.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: They have the same demands.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, they may have more demands because now they're getting paid more.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: So their expectations are more.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's the same environment, same frustrations, but now they're being paid$50,000 more.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's extremely valuable.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: Money creates choices, money creates security, money solves real problems.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Let's imagine the second person doesn't get a raise, but something changes in their life where they suddenly know I could walk away from this tomorrow if I wanted to.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe they have another source of income.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe another company has told them, if you ever want to leave there, come work with us.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever it is, they haven't changed anything about their situation.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: And they may not even want to leave, but just knowing they can gives them a whole different sense of power.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not even sure if I can say that one is better than the other.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Making more money is one type of power.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: But knowing you don't have to be in a situation is another extremely valuable type of power.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it depends on the person, the situation.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: But I definitely think there's something profound about being able to say, I'm here because I choose to be here, not I'm here because I have nowhere else to go.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: And no one else outside you might even be able to tell the difference between those two things.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: But you can.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: You understand it that having that alternate option gives you a different experience and a different sense of power.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: And again, like I said, this isn't just about jobs or career or salary.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine a young person whose entire sense of whether they're good enough is tied to one person's approval.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that could be a parent, could be a coach, it could be someone that they're dating.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that makes every interaction become high stakes, high stress, because that person's approval has become so important.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: We could say, you know, you really should just stop caring what they think.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: But we all know that's not really helpful.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: You care about what certain people think.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: We all do.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe the better question is, how can I build a life where this isn't the only place that I get approval or I get my needs met so that if I don't get it there, I'm not left in the lurch or left hanging or left feeling completely depressed and rejected.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can develop relationships with other mentors, or maybe you just get really good at something that gives you confidence in yourself outside of that person.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: Build new friendships.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you start making decisions that don't rely on that person validating you.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then slowly your whole equation changes.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that that person changed, but you've changed how dependent you are on them.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that changes the power dynamics.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: The same thing can happen financially.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: If one person controls all the money in a relationship, the answer may not be, well, demand financial independence because sometimes that's not possible, or sometimes the other person doesn't want to cooperate.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: But learning how the finances work is power, knowing where things are is power.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Developing a skill that you could eventually earn your own money is power.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: Building your own credit history is power, or saving just a little bit of money that belongs to you can be power because each one makes you a little less dependent on the situation that exists as it is and gives you more power to change that situation.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, if you walk into a car dealership and you have four other great options to buy or lease, it's gonna be harder for that person to have power over you and make you do something that you really don't want to do.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: But if you walk into that dealership and that's the only option that you can really afford or that works for your situation, you're gonna have less power in that situation because you know that's your only option.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what we're talking about here.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the usual idea of just take one tiny step every day.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Tiny steps are wonderful, and when you're working towards a goal, you definitely should take steps.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: But what I'm talking about is something more strategic.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Before you take those steps, you have to ask yourself, what can I build that will change the power equation?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's a very targeted type of question and targeted type of goal.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Let's say somebody takes up running, and that's fantastic.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: They'll become healthier, they'll feel better, they may be more confident, but unless that running is going to somehow change their options in the specific situation we're talking about or dealing with, that isn't necessarily leverage.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: But if they use that same time to learn a new certification that qualifies them for another job, then you have evened out the power dynamic.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Not because certification is better than exercising, it's because it creates an alternative that changes the power dynamic for the specific situation.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: It changes what is possible.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, if you could do both, great.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: But this is what we mean by leverage.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Just making a change isn't necessarily going to create a different power dynamic, but creating a change that contributes to that specific power dynamic is what we're talking about here and what we mean by leverage.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're using something you do control to reduce your dependence on something that you don't control.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: So a student may not be able to change a professor or teacher, but they could find out what exactly the appeal process is, or to document if something is happening that shouldn't be happening.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or they can talk to another person, an advisor, a counselor.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: So it's not about look at all the little things you can do.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: The point is what action will actually change your position in that power dynamic.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: Which action will give you more information, resources, relationships, skills, money, time that you did not have before.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, it's about creating enough leverage that you're not boxed into making one specific choice and getting consumed by the situation.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Suppose your family is always expecting open access to you constantly, and you don't want to have some enormous confrontation about it.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: But what if you could decide that just one morning, maybe Sunday morning, is yours and yours alone?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: If your phone goes off that morning, you go somewhere else, you read, you write, you go to the gym, you sit at Starbucks for two hours, whatever it is.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the activity itself that's important.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's important about you creating a piece of your life where that other dynamic has no power over you.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes that little piece is where you can begin building everything else.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because once you experience having some agency and control, you then start asking where else you can create it.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this also changes how we think about boundaries.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes a boundary is something you communicate to another person, but sometimes the most powerful boundary is something that doesn't even require their cooperation.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because if my entire strategy depends on someone else respecting my boundary, then in some ways I'm still dependent on that other person.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: It still requires them cooperating with what my rules are.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: But if I build my life so that another person's refusal to respect my boundary has a consequence that I can actually carry out, now something definitely has changed.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a threat, it's not a you better do this or else situation.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's just I have options.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a huge difference between a boundary that requires someone else's permission and a boundary that's supported by solely your own capacity.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I think this is sometimes where people confuse power and confrontation.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: You don't actually have to announce any of this.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to tell people, I'm building my boundaries.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to make some giant speech or say, I'm taking my power back now.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: You can become powerful quietly.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: You can learn, you can save, you can meet people, you can develop skills and gather information and create another source of income.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: You can build relationships outside the current relationship that's training for you or all consuming.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can make yourself less dependent.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then one day, that situation where the cost and consequence was too high to pay.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: Now it might be difficult, but it doesn't feel as extreme or impossible, and it doesn't own you in quite the same way.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_00: Let's remember another side though, and I think this is important.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we talk about empowerment as though if you just become empowered enough, you can somehow transform every bad situation into a good one.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't think that's true.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I've had enough experiences to know that that isn't always the case.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: There are situations where you can build all the leverage in the world and the situation is still unacceptable.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's be realistic here.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Your family dynamic may never become a healthy one.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Your boss might never change or become open-minded or caring.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: Your institution may never become fair around injustices, and your relationship may never become what you had hoped and expected it would be.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the purpose of power isn't always to fix the situation.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, yes.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you can build enough power and leverage to change the situation you're in, even if the other person is reluctant.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes, even if you have all the power, the other person isn't willing to make the changes.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: And in that case, having more power isn't to fix things, but it's to make leaving possible.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: And that's also important, and it matters a lot.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because otherwise, you can spend years asking, how do I make this situation work?
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: When you should be asking, how do you make yourself less dependent on the situation working?
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: So, what I really want to leave you with this episode is if there's an area of your life right now where you feel like somebody else has all the power, ask yourself, what would make me less dependent on this person or situation changing?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, just sit with that for a little while because your answer might surprise you.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: The answer could be money, could be information, could be that you need another relationship in your life or a skill that you don't have yet.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you just need to know if there's other options out there already for you.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you just need one day of the week or a few hours of the week that belong entirely to you.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you need an exit plan that's going to realistically take two years, and that's okay if that is the case.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: The exit plan doesn't only become powerful on the day you exit, it becomes powerful on the day that you realize there is a door available to you.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's the deeper idea here.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: We spend a lot of time wanting people who have power over us to give some of it back, to understand and to change and to become fair, to recognize our value, to pay us what we're worth, to treat us with respect, to stop asking so much of us, to just finally behave differently.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: And once in a while they do, but a lot of times they don't.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: And realizing that you may not be able to make another person give you power or make an institution become suddenly fair doesn't stop you from building a life in which you need less from that person or system that currently has power over you.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's where the leverage begins.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Not when they change, not when they give you permission, and not when they decide to finally respect you.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: It begins the moment you realize that I can build another option.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: And even if I never use it, I am no longer quite as trapped as I was yesterday.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is a principle of becoming irresistible.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll use it to create leverage for yourself.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: And until next week, stay irresistible.