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How we love each other, with my husband, Jess (pt 1) · SAY GRACE | Weight Loss + Health for Overwhelmed Women- Stress, Busy, Consistency, Realistic, Motivation, Starting Over, No Restrictions

• 0:39
  All right, y'all. I have gotten so many questions lately about my marriage with my husband, Jess.
• 0:46
  People are constantly asking about our communication, our decision-making,
• 0:51
  or how we love each other well.
• 0:54
  Now, let me be clear. We are not marriage experts.
• 0:59
  We do not have it all together. we still have lots of struggles, right?
• 1:06
  But we have come so far, and we have learned so much by this point in our marriage.
• 1:13
  And honestly, I just love to hear advice and thoughts from other like normal people on this topic.
• 1:18
  So I figured in honor of Love Month, I'd bring Jess back on to talk about how we love each other.
• 1:27
  Welcome, my love. Hey.
• 1:33
  Okay y'all so we don't have
• 1:36
  much of a plan here we don't have much of
• 1:38
  a script i've like listed out some bolded out categories and sent it to him
• 1:43
  when he was on his way home from carpool and that's about that so are you nervous
• 1:48
  babe a little bit i'm close to the mic oh my gosh y'all the one thing anytime
• 1:54
  he's on the podcast i'm like i have to turn your volume all the way up,
• 1:58
  Actually, I think I will turn it up. Okay. Anyway, it is all the way up.
• 2:02
  Okay, you're going to have to speak up.
• 2:04
  Okay. So I just, I don't know, babe.
• 2:07
  I just feel like, again, we like, we still have a lot, right?
• 2:12
  Like we still have a lot that we're working on and that we probably need to work on.
• 2:17
  We don't even know we need to work on. For sure. For sure.
• 2:22
  We have like a baby coming and that always brings the challenges in a marriage.
• 2:28
  So like six months from now, we may listen back to this and be like, who are those people?
• 2:34
  You know, but I think I do. I get this question a lot. People love to see you in my stories.
• 2:40
  They love to see like how you are at home.
• 2:44
  They, you know, and I think it's, I think it's easy, right? On social media,
• 2:50
  no one knows what we've been through.
• 2:52
  You know what I mean? And so I think it's easy to look at us and be like,
• 2:57
  oh, he's just perfect. And she's just, you know, whatever.
• 3:01
  Well, but you know what I'm saying? Like, I think it's really real.
• 3:05
  I think more than anything, it's really, really important.
• 3:08
  To let people know that, like, it didn't just magically happen this way.
• 3:12
  Like, we work really hard to stay in love.
• 3:16
  You know what I mean? For sure. For a long time. For a long time. Okay.
• 3:21
  Which brings me to my first bolded out bullet point.
• 3:25
  You want to tell everybody how we met? People ask me this all the time.
• 3:29
  You do? They ask you this or you say this? No, people ask me this all the time.
• 3:33
  Okay. Well, I think our stories are a little different because I don't necessarily
• 3:37
  remember the first time we met.
• 3:40
  He still denies me all these years later.
• 3:43
  I don't deny you. I just don't remember your version of the story.
• 3:47
  Okay. Well. But what was it? Sixth grade?
• 3:50
  Yes. Yeah. Sixth grade. I was. Miss Mackey's class.
• 3:57
  I transferred from a private school over
• 4:01
  to the public school for what was that considered middle
• 4:04
  school i guess and yeah fish out of
• 4:06
  water walking in trying to figure out what who was
• 4:09
  who and what was what in the place and a little
• 4:13
  shell shocked everybody was like jess shelby's coming
• 4:16
  oh jesus he's coming from the private school and
• 4:19
  we were all like i remember watching you like i
• 4:22
  think did you come to a tour or something yeah i remember in the cafeteria like
• 4:27
  watching you walk through for the tour yeah and then you were there yeah well
• 4:33
  i mean yeah so i i mean obviously started school and we were in the same class
• 4:40
  in sixth grade in sixth grade.
• 4:45
  Continue i mean i don't other than that like i remember you being the cute girl
• 4:49
  in class but i I don't remember like our first interactions or anything like you. I'll take over now.
• 4:59
  Megan, if you're listening, I know she listens to our podcast.
• 5:03
  Sometimes Megan will remember this and she will vouch for me.
• 5:07
  In sixth grade. So in sixth grade, what, we changed classes two or three times? I can't remember.
• 5:12
  We stayed with our same class. We just changed teacher rooms.
• 5:17
  And so we were outside the hall. We were headed to the next class.
• 5:22
  And Megan pulled me and you together and said, Jess, tell Constance what you
• 5:31
  think about her or whatever.
• 5:33
  And you were like, I don't know what you're talking about and and she was like
• 5:38
  you said that you thought she was cute and you were like,
• 5:43
  what did you say like no i didn't no i didn't that's what you always say anyway
• 5:47
  and then like walked away like walked away from us and i don't think i talked
• 5:52
  to you for the rest of the year yeah it took a few years i was so like if he
• 5:57
  can't even own that he thinks i'm cute,
• 6:00
  I'm going to date another boy in this class and we're out of here yeah I just
• 6:05
  didn't recall I guess 5th grade private school girls being as direct so I was just kind of.
• 6:13
  Is that why you fell in love with me the most direct girl you ever met well
• 6:19
  I was just thrown off a little bit by the confrontation or being confronted,
• 6:25
  about potentially thinking somebody was cute or not Yeah.
• 6:29
  I mean, how does it make you feel that our daughter's going to be in sixth grade
• 6:35
  next year and like. I don't love that.
• 6:37
  Could be like in a class with her future husband.
• 6:41
  I don't love that. I mean, the odds are she won't, but.
• 6:44
  Yeah. I don't know. I need to hit the gym a little more. I know.
• 6:47
  Get ready for that. You do.
• 6:49
  I only got a year or two before the first dates and all those things.
• 6:53
  Oh, what? She's not going on a first date in seventh grade. Didn't you?
• 6:57
  I mean, when was your first date, fifth, sixth?
• 7:00
  Fourth grade. So, I mean, it's not out of the realm of possibilities here.
• 7:08
  Okay, so then Jess kind of was like in and out of our school.
• 7:11
  Like he left and went back to the private school for a few years and came back to the public school.
• 7:16
  And so then we kind of were in what the same friend circles and evolved into
• 7:23
  what we called best friends.
• 7:27
  By like 10th grade? Yeah. 9th, 10th grade? But like I had a real serious boyfriend.
• 7:32
  You had a real serious girlfriend.
• 7:36
  My boyfriend and i broke up then i dated your serious girlfriend's twin brother
• 7:41
  we were in a wild world just to get closer to me right right right,
• 7:51
  i think that was my my move the whole time yeah yeah but so this is my favorite
• 7:56
  part of all the stories of all time i can't wait to tell it publicly why are
• 8:00
  we doing that i don't understand.
• 8:03
  So it was the summer before our senior year.
• 8:06
  And like, we were best friends, truly. Like you were at the house all the time.
• 8:11
  Like, and we ran in a group, like we were all together, you know, consistently.
• 8:16
  We did church together and all that kind of stuff. But yeah.
• 8:20
  I don't know what made us. I feel like we must have had a conversation prior
• 8:24
  to this, like about being more than best friends. I don't remember.
• 8:30
  But anyway, it was in the summer. It was my female best friend's birthday night.
• 8:36
  We were going out to do something for a birthday.
• 8:38
  I can't remember, but was going as a date to another guy, like a guy was taking
• 8:46
  me to the birthday thing, whatever it was we were doing. And you knew that.
• 8:52
  You're going to have to cut all this. This is not how it went. Merc on his face. Babe.
• 8:58
  I remember it very differently. I literally came to my house that afternoon
• 9:03
  because it was in the summer and we were like hanging out.
• 9:05
  And then I was like, okay, you have to go because I have a date tonight and
• 9:08
  I have to get ready. And you were like, what?
• 9:11
  So you left. I got ready. I was with all my people and I was with the guy that I was on the date with.
• 9:20
  And you text me in the middle of the date and said, I think I want to be more than best friend.
• 9:28
  Just show me. All right. Well, again, that's not exactly how I remember it. Do tell.
• 9:32
  I'd love to hear your side. I thought that, great time to do it here in public in front of everybody.
• 9:40
  I thought that her birthday was like our first date outside of the movie.
• 9:46
  It was, but we, but we were, it was like the weekend before something.
• 9:50
  This is how I remember it. Okay.
• 9:53
  If you're ready. I wasn't there with all the stuff you're talking about.
• 9:57
  I was at that like summer league baseball thing and we were texting and you, you had to let me go.
• 10:07
  We were talking on the phone or something. You had to let me go because you
• 10:09
  had to get ready for your date.
• 10:11
  And then you actually went on the date. and then I'm over here like in a dorm
• 10:16
  full of boys thinking about my hot best friend going on a date.
• 10:21
  And then after the date,
• 10:24
  I realize like, wait, that's not how I want that to go. I remember this particular
• 10:29
  guy that we are speaking of.
• 10:32
  Leave him nameless. Jim. Jim.
• 10:36
  Jim, I remember you laying across my bed and I was in the bathroom and I was
• 10:43
  like, you got to go. I got to get ready.
• 10:46
  I don't know if maybe that wasn't the official date, but maybe that was like
• 10:50
  our get to know you. Maybe. Gathering.
• 10:55
  I don't remember. Anyway, either way. But I thought I was with a group.
• 11:00
  Like, I know it wasn't just a one-on-one date when you sent me that text. Yeah.
• 11:05
  Because I remember grabbing my girlfriends and being like, look at this.
• 11:09
  He finally made his move. And then I was just like, Jim, peace out, homie.
• 11:14
  Nice knowing you. Oh, my gosh. Jim. Poor Jim.
• 11:20
  I brought a Jim. Poor Jim. Anyways, okay. So, yeah. That's hilarious.
• 11:26
  Ten minutes of talking about. But, yeah.
• 11:28
  I mean, I don't know. I think a lot of that ten minutes to talk about how we
• 11:32
  met and how we first started dating.
• 11:35
  But I think a lot of that plays into kind of our relationship in general.
• 11:38
  For sure. Like, we had, it wasn't just like an attraction and then like,
• 11:44
  oh, let me get to know this person.
• 11:45
  I got to know you way better than most people do before they start dating and
• 11:50
  all that kind of stuff before we ever started dating. Right. I felt like I knew you.
• 11:55
  About as good as I knew anybody. Right. Probably at that point.
• 11:59
  For sure. Before we started dating.
• 12:00
  Yeah. I mean, for sure. I think it was like a honest, we were real honest with each other.
• 12:05
  And we had no reason not to be. Yeah. Like when we were getting to know each
• 12:09
  other because we really weren't trying to date.
• 12:11
  Yeah. I mean, I don't, I mean, I can't speak for you, but like I was always
• 12:14
  extremely attracted to you, you know, and like there was always some kind of
• 12:18
  like friction there, you know, but like it wasn't, like you said, we both had.
• 12:23
  And it literally we didn't like
• 12:26
  cross any lines or do anything at all yeah like
• 12:29
  you know before we were both single
• 12:33
  shoot before i mean we were best friends a while after we were both single for
• 12:37
  sure and then wow you started trying to date jim or jim made his move before
• 12:45
  ladies what is the lesson here i mean this is like for high school kids High
• 12:49
  school lady's the one high school lady out there listening.
• 12:54
  Because you're in the backseat of your mama's car. That's hilarious.
• 12:57
  What is this lesson? No, but truly, I do.
• 13:01
  And so I think a lot of people are like, oh, y'all are high school sweethearts.
• 13:06
  And there is a lot of real sweetness about that.
• 13:11
  But it was like really hard to, I mean, like really, really hard because like
• 13:17
  the person that I am today and the person that you are today,
• 13:20
  ooh, we were not those people in high school. That's right.
• 13:23
  You know, and so I do remember it. So I, and my cheer coach will still say this
• 13:29
  to this day, you know, like I remember one day you would always come meet me
• 13:33
  at my locker in the hallway that our senior year of high school.
• 13:37
  And I remember one day watching you walk towards me when I was standing towards
• 13:41
  my locker. And I just felt like flooded, like that's going to be my husband one day.
• 13:45
  Like I just knew it. And I went to cheer practice and I told everybody.
• 13:47
  I was like, I just got confirmation that Justin was going to be my husband one
• 13:51
  day. Like I just felt it all over.
• 13:53
  But that didn't mean that we were just like living. Smooth sailing.
• 13:58
  Yeah. Like even during that time, like our senior year, I mean,
• 14:02
  we were wanting to do things with our friends. And we were, we were like,
• 14:05
  all the things you do when you're like a kid about to graduate,
• 14:08
  like, what's our life going to look like?
• 14:10
  What, you know, what, what is then the future for us?
• 14:13
  And so it wasn't just.
• 14:17
  They've met and then they were sold
• 14:20
  out forever kind of thing yeah and so
• 14:23
  it really tested us I think all the way through you know obviously high school
• 14:26
  and then into college and we even took a little break in college and I think
• 14:29
  that was like the best thing we could have done for ourselves and for our relationship
• 14:34
  because I think it helped us realize what we had in each other Yeah.
• 14:41
  And not, not just like realize what we have, but like realize maybe why we're,
• 14:47
  how we were individual, like apart from each other, like, who are we?
• 14:53
  Because we, I mean, that was like what our junior year.
• 14:56
  So like i mean we'd been together for three or four years
• 14:59
  yeah of college and it was almost like we
• 15:02
  weren't our we weren't ourselves individually right so we had like everybody
• 15:07
  we knew in college they knew us as a couple or whatever so it's kind of hard
• 15:13
  to to to know who you are without that person when you're in the years of growing
• 15:19
  and like knowing who you are in general like Yeah.
• 15:21
  And becoming an adult, you figure out who you are. Yeah.
• 15:25
  Yeah. And we were doing it while trying to make sure that this other person
• 15:29
  approved of it or liked it or whatever.
• 15:33
  And yeah, so I think stepping aside and having that time where we weren't together,
• 15:39
  you know, it opens eyes. It's just like you going on a date with Jim.
• 15:43
  Like, oh, well, that chance may not be there anymore.
• 15:47
  Like, I don't have the opportunity to do that or whatever. That was kind of
• 15:51
  like me thinking I was going to miss out on something.
• 15:55
  The other is more of a reflection, I guess, how like I could I could have taken
• 16:02
  more responsibility or done these things different or whatever.
• 16:04
  Well, I think it just made us realize that.
• 16:07
  It was, I mean, just like with marriage, right? Like you can really get into
• 16:11
  just the swing of things and kind of like assume this is just how life is going
• 16:15
  to be. And like this is just our rhythm.
• 16:18
  And like somehow our rhythm kind of turned to something that wasn't exactly the best for us.
• 16:23
  Like we were drinking a lot and going out.
• 16:27
  And, you know, it was just a lot. And so the paths that you take do affect.
• 16:35
  Like there is aftermath from those things.
• 16:38
  And so I think we just got into this rhythm that maybe wasn't the healthiest,
• 16:43
  but it just became our rhythm. And so we were just like accepting of that.
• 16:46
  And so then when we did break up, it made us say, okay, what do we like?
• 16:52
  Okay. Do we value each other enough to try to stay together?
• 16:55
  And then what does that look like? Like, well, how are things going to have
• 16:59
  to change for us to healthily stay together?
• 17:03
  You know? And so I think, I mean, I think I'm like, you know,
• 17:07
  back then I thought it was the worst thing in the world. Like it was an awful time.
• 17:11
  But now I do feel so blessed that it happened when we were young.
• 17:17
  I feel like everybody goes through something like that in their relationship eventually.
• 17:22
  And I'm like, OK, we learned real quick, you know, that. Well,
• 17:26
  not real quick. It was really long.
• 17:28
  It was a long, drawn out thing. But we learned that, you know,
• 17:32
  and I and I feel like we've we took that with us. for the next however many years it's been.
• 17:38
  I haven't forgotten that lesson. I mean, I mean, yeah, you know,
• 17:43
  some lessons you don't forget. And that's, I think that's kind of the purpose of them.
• 17:47
  Right. So then we got married.
• 17:53
  I don't know. I mean, I think we even worked on then before,
• 17:57
  before we got married. Like it was a, it was a lot of figuring out how we were
• 18:02
  going to move forward at that point.
• 18:05
  To like communicate, to work on like how we argued, to work on like all that stuff. Yeah.
• 18:13
  So. Before we got married. Yeah. Before we, before we really got back together,
• 18:17
  you know, or I don't, I think it was before,
• 18:21
  it was definitely before we got married, but I mean, we learned a lot about
• 18:24
  how to communicate with each other and all that good stuff through that process. For sure.
• 18:29
  Like how to be open and honest and how to, even when things don't feel right
• 18:33
  or feel good Or this is not what this person wants to hear right now,
• 18:36
  but I need to say it because it's the way that it's bothering me or whatever.
• 18:40
  We did all that before marriage. Right.
• 18:42
  And at the retreat, the team went out to dinner one night. I don't do this.
• 18:49
  But Stacey, my dietitian, was like asking a little bit more about our relationship
• 18:54
  and like how we met and all the things.
• 18:57
  And she did not. Stacey didn't know me right before just a couple of years ago.
• 19:03
  And so she did not realize...
• 19:07
  What kind of person, not what kind of person I was, but what my temperament
• 19:12
  was back in the day. Oh, yeah.
• 19:16
  And so it was just so funny. We told, I told, so it was me and then my sister Candace was there.
• 19:22
  And then my cousin, Kayla, was there, who we grew up together.
• 19:26
  And then it was Kylie, my best friend, and then Stacy. And so Kylie and Stacy
• 19:31
  have not known me but a few years.
• 19:33
  Yeah, the past like four to five years. Right. Yeah. So Candace,
• 19:37
  Kayla and I were giving this a rundown of how I was and how I was like a firecracker.
• 19:44
  You know, I just would say what I thought. I didn't care.
• 19:47
  I didn't care how it affected you. You better get on over it because I am who
• 19:51
  I am. And like, I just really was.
• 19:55
  A stick of dynamite. Yeah. As onions.
• 20:00
  Firecracker's too small. Firecracker's too small. Oh, you know,
• 20:04
  for some reason. You were, yeah, I mean, you were explosive.
• 20:07
  I was explosive. That's a very, like, but in all ways, the good and the bad, you know?
• 20:12
  Like, if you didn't like something, everybody knew it, and especially the person
• 20:17
  who did it or whatever, you didn't care how they felt about it. Right.
• 20:20
  But if I loved something, everybody knew it, too. Exactly.
• 20:24
  You know, and I think I still carry that with me, thank goodness. That's right.
• 20:27
  You know, like the excitement and the energy. energy but i think i just had
• 20:32
  blinders on to like compassion for other people you know even like the thought
• 20:39
  that other people don't have the life like i have they don't have the freedom
• 20:43
  they don't have the i mean.
• 20:46
  We were kind of spoiled growing up. Like they didn't, you know,
• 20:48
  like just stuff like that. I was just so naive to.
• 20:51
  And because of that, I think the way I behaved in the way I spoke was very much
• 20:57
  like I felt like I was invincible a lot.
• 21:00
  And so, yeah, during that time when we were getting back together,
• 21:03
  I think I really learned how, oh, the things you say and do actually do matter to other people.
• 21:10
  You know what I mean? Like no one had really taught me that lesson yeah
• 21:13
  I mean
• 21:17
  you know what I'm saying like my parents did a
• 21:20
  great job at trying but it was just like I had
• 21:23
  had none of the hard life lessons yet to like have
• 21:27
  to deal with yeah you know have to have to face I guess you know I pretty much
• 21:32
  got everything I wanted up until that point in my life yeah and so that's something
• 21:37
  I'm like always really aware of with our girls because like we're also So kind
• 21:41
  of spoiling them, you know what I mean?
• 21:43
  And that's what every parent wants to do is to be able to spoil their kids.
• 21:46
  But I'm also like, okay, how do I make sure these children don't think that they're invincible?
• 21:51
  We're trying hard not to let them feel that way. Right.
• 21:55
  But also trying to give them the things that we feel like we didn't get or we
• 21:59
  want them to have or whatever.
• 22:02
  So anyways, yes, lots of life lessons in that time of our lives.
• 22:07
  And I do think that has helped us to just kind of like grow even more as we've aged.
• 22:14
  But we did. But then we got married. So, again, we learned all these new communication
• 22:18
  skills. I think we were really in a great place, like as we were rebuilding
• 22:22
  our relationship and you.
• 22:25
  So we graduated from college and then I went to grad school and you moved to
• 22:29
  the same city that I was in, but you got a job there.
• 22:33
  And so you had roommates and I had roommates, but then you got a job there.
• 22:38
  And y'all, he was making like $10.50 an hour. $10.50 an hour with a college degree.
• 22:44
  Again, you high school kid who's sitting in the back of your mama's car.
• 22:47
  I mean, just because you get a college degree don't mean you come out making
• 22:50
  the big bucks, you know. Especially in 2009.
• 22:53
  Right. That's like economy in a toilet.
• 22:56
  Sounds like such an old man. I survived 2009.
• 23:00
  Anyway, but it's true. He struggled to get a job out of college.
• 23:02
  And he was like a great student. His resume was excellent.
• 23:07
  Anyway, so he worked for $10.50 an hour.
• 23:10
  And he saved like all of his dollars, y'all, and bought me a ring.
• 23:14
  And this ring I still have on my finger right now.
• 23:17
  And so then he did get another job. And he moved back to Jackson.
• 23:21
  And then I moved back to Jackson a little later. And, you know,
• 23:23
  I finished up school, got my master's, finished my dietetic internship.
• 23:27
  And then like I graduated in May and then we got married in June.
• 23:34
  Less than a month later. Less than a month later. I had no job lined up.
• 23:38
  And then it started just a whole other like set of fun, fun.
• 23:46
  Learning how to pay bills and have saved money and, you know,
• 23:52
  have things to eat and stuff.
• 23:55
  And I think they talk about like the newlywed phase and I'm like,
• 23:58
  those people must've been older when they got married, when it's like a true,
• 24:01
  like newlywed phase. Cause I think we were on the struggle bus.
• 24:04
  Like I was trying to buy, I felt like we had to have a house, so we got a house.
• 24:10
  Before we got married. Before we got married. And then I was trying to buy all
• 24:14
  these things to fill this house. And I did not have a job.
• 24:18
  She didn't have a job, but she was filling our house with things with mom credit. Right.
• 24:26
  Because I didn't have any money.
• 24:30
  I remember I worked hourly at WIC.
• 24:35
  And it eventually turned into a full-time job But I think I was like part-time
• 24:38
  at that point and I would go to my WIC job where I wasn't making a whole lot
• 24:42
  of money You don't make a lot of money at WIC,
• 24:44
  And there was this home store like 10 minutes from my WIC location.
• 24:50
  So I'd drive over to the home store and walk in the house that evening with
• 24:54
  like, look at this candlestick I bought.
• 24:57
  Look at this. You know, that was back when everything was like shabby chic.
• 25:00
  Oh, yeah. Like, look at this distressed.
• 25:02
  Lamp. Yeah, like rabbit that I got for the front. You know what?
• 25:06
  Or just like the most random crap.
• 25:08
  Oh, yeah. And you would be like, what are we? Where are you even going to put
• 25:11
  this? And I'm like, I don't know. I just thought we would figure it out.
• 25:15
  And like, you know, anyway, it was it was a struggle. So we were really learning
• 25:19
  how to I was learning how to budget.
• 25:22
  And I think I still am. And he was, you know, learning patience.
• 25:29
  And neither one of us are very good at those things. We were terrible.
• 25:32
  It was really bad. You were bad at budgeting. And I had zero patience. Yes.
• 25:37
  And so I think you walked around like I don't think back then you would have described it this way.
• 25:41
  But I think you walked around with like low key anxiety all the time.
• 25:44
  All the time. About our finances.
• 25:46
  Yep. And then you were like kind of grumpy all the time. So then I was like,
• 25:50
  oh, he hates me. Why do we get married?
• 25:53
  It was like a really, it was the first few years of our marriage were like.
• 25:58
  Not the best. Lots of arguing. And not, not, I don't mean they weren't the best in like a general sense.
• 26:04
  I mean, they, they weren't the best of our 14 years of marriage.
• 26:09
  I mean, we really struggled. Yeah. I mean, you were coming from,
• 26:14
  like you just mentioned, you were spoiled.
• 26:16
  And I'm not saying that in like a negative way. That's what you said.
• 26:19
  And that's what you came from. That's how you felt.
• 26:22
  And then we came into like a house together where your dad and mom were no longer there to spoil you.
• 26:29
  Yeah. The credit card bill was paid by me now instead of my mom and dad. That's right. And so...
• 26:34
  With you just starting out with your job and me like being a Dave Ramsey-holic,
• 26:40
  like it just wasn't, we weren't on the same page.
• 26:43
  Yeah, he was like really into Dave Ramsey too at the time.
• 26:47
  And, you know, I don't know if y'all have ever, I know a lot of my listeners will talk about this.
• 26:51
  Like they'll message me about like Dave Ramsey or budgeting or whatever,
• 26:55
  whenever I kind of put fun at Jess.
• 26:56
  But so, you know, if you go down that rabbit hole, like if you get his books,
• 27:00
  if you turn his podcast on as soon as you get in the car or whatever, Like it consumes you.
• 27:05
  And so I think you were really in like you were consumed at that point. Yeah.
• 27:10
  And I'm meanwhile like, what do you mean we don't have money to go to Jamaica
• 27:15
  or a second year of marriage? Let's go to Disney World.
• 27:18
  I mean, I was like, not just buying, you know, a distressed rabbit.
• 27:23
  You know, I was like buying all kinds of stuff. Opening all the credit cards
• 27:26
  every time you'd go to, oh, Victoria's Secret, here's 10% off today if you open a credit card.
• 27:33
  Let's go to HomeGoods. Oh, 10% off if you open a credit card.
• 27:37
  And we're just opening all the credit cards. You were like, every credit card
• 27:42
  you open it drops your credit.
• 27:47
  Oh, that's great times.
• 27:51
  On top of the distressed rabbit for the yard or
• 27:54
  whatever and the vacation that we couldn't afford and i mean but we were like
• 27:59
  i was like we're 24 oh yeah we were kids like so at the same time we both are
• 28:05
  kind of like oh wait college is over this is life you know anyway it was some
• 28:11
  tough times we could talk about that forever but.
• 28:13
  I don't know. I think we got into a really great couples, small group with our church.
• 28:19
  And then we also got really involved in a CrossFit community.
• 28:22
  And I think those two things helped like turn us around.
• 28:26
  I think we were exposed to people who had been married a lot longer than us.
• 28:31
  We were exposed to people of all ages.
• 28:33
  We just had like a lot of wisdom coming our way. And obviously like biblical
• 28:37
  truths that were being instilled in us.
• 28:39
  Even our CrossFit community was very biblically focused, which I know,
• 28:44
  you know, that's not like the norm for some CrossFit communities, but the one we chose was.
• 28:51
  So it was just a good transition. But, golly, those first few years were really, really hard.
• 28:58
  Yeah. So, okay, we got married.
• 29:03
  Marriage got better. And I think we've just been working on it ever since, right?
• 29:06
  The kids came. I don't know if there's anything else that stands out.
• 29:09
  To like capitalize on like the early years yeah probably not i mean i think
• 29:16
  there was a lot of us trying to figure out each other right like where i i never
• 29:21
  wanted any kind of like help,
• 29:25
  from you know what i mean from anybody and you had to like i guess learn that or like.
• 29:32
  Respect that maybe don't call my dad when something's well
• 29:35
  yeah for sure that but like yeah that
• 29:38
  but i mean you know like things not working should
• 29:41
  we call my dad and he'd be like no he is
• 29:44
  a plumber but no it's been like three hours on youtube yeah trying to figure
• 29:49
  it out youtube was even cool like trying to figure out what what to do but yeah
• 29:54
  but again like we i'm we're joking about that but i think because of those things
• 29:59
  because of me being kind of stubborn with that,
• 30:02
  it eventually led to a place where you had confidence in me to complete things,
• 30:09
  that I said I was going to do or whatever.
• 30:11
  Like instead of your initial reaction, let's call somebody.
• 30:14
  My family was never like that. It was always, I can fix this myself or whatever.
• 30:20
  That was my best dad impressionation there.
• 30:24
  But so like we had to learn how to like bring those two things together.
• 30:28
  Well, and I think, okay, so I tell this story
• 30:30
  all the time to other people but like one one thing
• 30:33
  that I really remember was still in our first house and
• 30:36
  I drove that Altima which was like
• 30:40
  literally I had had it my dad bought it for me in college so like I still had
• 30:43
  that car but it was making this god-awful noise there was like a hole somewhere
• 30:49
  I don't know I don't remember what all it was something with my brakes I don't
• 30:51
  remember you I'm sure I am sure you remember exactly because we kept talking
• 30:58
  about it and I'm like we need to go get it fixed.
• 31:00
  And again, this is during the same time that it's like, we're on the Dave Ramsey
• 31:03
  plan and also Constance can't, you know, manage money to save her life.
• 31:06
  And so my car needed to be fixed.
• 31:09
  But we really just didn't have the extra who knows how many dollars to have
• 31:14
  it fixed. So you were like, I can figure this out.
• 31:17
  So you went and y'all, he has no car or had no car experience, like changed all.
• 31:24
  Other than holding a flashlight for my dad.
• 31:27
  Like none. And so I remember sitting inside the house by myself for hours waiting
• 31:36
  on you out there fixing that car in the dark, messing with it, messing with it.
• 31:39
  I mean, first you had to figure out what was wrong with it. Then you had to
• 31:42
  figure out how it was going to be.
• 31:43
  Anyway, it was like forever and ever and ever.
• 31:47
  And I just remember sitting there thinking like, oh, my God,
• 31:49
  when is he going to come in and let me call somebody?
• 31:52
  And I would go check the door or look out the window or whatever.
• 31:56
  And then this man fixed this freaking car.
• 32:00
  He had no idea.
• 32:02
  Like, you know, I mean, I'm sure you had some idea because whatever,
• 32:06
  boys, you understand things like that a little bit more. But,
• 32:09
  like, it's just like it wasn't your specialty. It wasn't in your wheelhouse, really.
• 32:14
  And you went out there and you were so determined and you found every YouTube
• 32:16
  video and every car thread and you fixed it. Yeah.
• 32:21
  And I just remember thinking, well, dang, maybe I should just,
• 32:27
  like, leave him alone about things like this.
• 32:30
  And so I think that's a really good like beginning to the years after that,
• 32:38
  I really started to feel more convicted to actually let you lead.
• 32:42
  You know, and like we if, you know, we hear about it in church,
• 32:45
  like the husband is the leader of the home and, you know, whatever.
• 32:49
  But like wives are control freaks. Like all women, we have so much on our plate.
• 32:55
  We have to kind of have everything organized and scheduled and whatever.
• 32:58
  And so it can bleed out into every area of our lives.
• 33:03
  Like it can make us control freaks across the board.
• 33:07
  And so like, even in that situation with me, you fix in the car,
• 33:11
  I was thinking, he's wasting our time.
• 33:13
  We could be doing something else right now. And I'm going to still going to
• 33:15
  have to, you know, get a ride to work tomorrow and blah, blah, blah.
• 33:18
  Like I was already thinking of all the things that I wanted,
• 33:22
  that I needed to control. Like I felt like I needed to control it.
• 33:26
  And so it, that, like that situation for me is just one that really will always
• 33:31
  stand out. Cause I'm like, okay, wait a minute. Maybe I don't know everything.
• 33:34
  Like maybe I don't have to have the control. Maybe I can like start to like let go of that.
• 33:40
  And I think over the years, I've only gotten better and better at that.
• 33:45
  Like truly letting you lead, like not just convicting you or like saying,
• 33:51
  well, you should have let our household. So why didn't you do XYZ?
• 33:54
  You know, right. But in the times that you're trying to do XYZ,
• 34:00
  like shutting up and letting you know what I mean?
• 34:03
  And I think we just went through this with like this new job that you've got.
• 34:08
  It's like we had a lot of stability and security, you know, with your other one.
• 34:13
  And like the control freak in me would have wanted to be like.
• 34:16
  No, man, we're good, you know, but you knew better.
• 34:20
  And it's the same when you got that job, the first job or not the first job,
• 34:24
  but you know, the job you had for 13 years. Like I did not want you to take that job.
• 34:29
  And you were just like, no I know this is what I need to do
• 34:32
  and I'm like okay you know and then it turned out
• 34:35
  to be the biggest blessing of our lives you know so that
• 34:39
  for me I think like letting go
• 34:42
  of the grip of control over these years of marriage which too in turn also means
• 34:48
  like this man pulled out these envelopes for me told me I had you know this
• 34:53
  many dollars to spend at the grocery store y'all and I that because we were
• 34:57
  getting serious about our budget and I had to let it happen.
• 35:00
  Like I had to let go of my control and let him lead, you know?
• 35:04
  And so I think just.
• 35:07
  It's the weirdest thing, but that's how we were designed. That's right.
• 35:11
  Like that's how not me and you were designed. That's how men and women were
• 35:14
  designed is to like, the man is the leader of the home.
• 35:20
  And I think the more I lean into that, the less anxiety I have about control,
• 35:26
  which sounds so backwards because it's like, well, if I'm giving you all the
• 35:30
  rain, then shouldn't I have more anxiety about you not doing it right?
• 35:35
  But it's like the more i just say he gonna
• 35:38
  do he got it you know he's whatever this his wheelhouse
• 35:42
  he you know it's his role the easier
• 35:45
  it is for me to breathe every day isn't that weird it
• 35:49
  is but i don't think it's as simple or like as
• 35:51
  i don't think it was blind faith like i
• 35:55
  think because of all the things that we went through and did and that like that
• 36:01
  example was the one that maybe thought or made you clue in that oh maybe he
• 36:06
  can do this right and so like we've we've tussled like who's got control and
• 36:11
  who's leading and who's doing all that stuff for a lot of our marriage,
• 36:15
  until because i'm a stick of dynamite that's right the freaking hardest thing
• 36:18
  ever for me to have done correct and so you eventually having enough faith and
• 36:24
  trust in me that i'm going to be able to do it and i'm going to if i say i'm
• 36:30
  going to do it i'm going to do it it might not be in your time,
• 36:32
  but it's going to happen.
• 36:34
  Years and years of me proving that to you is what gave you the,
• 36:41
  I guess, the- Foundation.
• 36:43
  More of the foundation to be able to release it. That is, and I think that was
• 36:48
  a pivotal point in our marriage. We're like-
• 36:52
  I remember going through, and I think it was when we were in that first little
• 36:55
  small group with just the best people ever.
• 36:58
  But I remember going through that conviction of like letting you lead,
• 37:02
  but also being like, well, he says he'll do X, Y, Z, but like then it never
• 37:07
  gets done and blah, blah, blah.
• 37:08
  And so it was like a really hard thing for both of us to for me to say,
• 37:14
  I am going to let my hands off of this regardless of the outcome,
• 37:19
  which means even if he doesn't do what he said he was going to do.
• 37:22
  And then also for you to then notice that in me and say, oh,
• 37:28
  OK, let me step into doing it.
• 37:31
  Right. Like, let me continue to show up and do the things I say I'm going to do.
• 37:37
  Like that just that wasn't immediate and it wasn't easy.
• 37:44
  Yeah. But it was like a really beautiful like transition over time to where
• 37:49
  the more I let go of my grip, the more you stepped into the space, you know.
• 37:55
  And I think it's because, dude, is it not like you felt like you could?
• 37:59
  Yeah. Whereas otherwise you're coming up against like a rager, you know, like.
• 38:07
  Yeah. Well, I mean, so you were mentioning, you were saying this earlier about
• 38:11
  being a control freak and.
• 38:14
  Having to let go of that. In the Bible, literally it says, whenever God is talking
• 38:19
  to Eve, to the woman, he said, I will surely multiply your pain and childbearing
• 38:23
  and pain you shall bring forth children.
• 38:25
  Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.
• 38:31
  So, I mean, from the beginning, that has been the issue, right?
• 38:36
  A woman's desire for control, but God's designed to have that for the man and
• 38:43
  then to figure out that balance, right?
• 38:45
  Because again, not all men are going to take control.
• 38:48
  Not all men are going to be able to do those things unless they're like either
• 38:55
  pushed to do so or like can figure out that that is something that they're able to do, right?
• 39:01
  So like I think I don't know that I would have ever become who I am today without
• 39:06
  your pushing, if that makes sense. Does that make... So like...
• 39:11
  Maybe eventually God would have like worked on me enough to like make me be
• 39:15
  the leader and like the doer and like the project completer and all the things
• 39:20
  that like eventually grew your faith in me.
• 39:22
  But like it was maybe you doubting me or you pushing me or whatever in the beginning
• 39:28
  that made me like try even harder to become that, if that makes sense.
• 39:33
  So I think it's very much a two-way street, right? Women can't just like sit
• 39:38
  back and let their husbands not lead or not do what they say they're going to do and all that.
• 39:47
  Right. They have to also like be the be the submissive wife,
• 39:52
  but also like help their husband become the man that they need, if that makes sense.
• 39:58
  And so I know that that's not very popular in today's world.
• 40:02
  No, I've known all these women out here trying to do it all and be it all.
• 40:06
  And I mean, you know, we don't have no man.
• 40:08
  And I mean, you know, like it's very, even like in this, in the women on small
• 40:13
  business world that I'm in, that I live in, it's like.
• 40:16
  We were talking about this yesterday on our walk. Like the family and the husband
• 40:20
  is an aftermath because you are a boss, girl.
• 40:24
  You know what I mean? Like that's kind of the message that you can get from a lot of these women.
• 40:28
  And I think it's, I don't think it's all, I mean, I think it's some of,
• 40:32
  it's well, well intentioned, you know, but it's not the way, it's not the way.
• 40:37
  Like it's not the way. It's not biblically based. It's supposed to be. Yeah.
• 40:41
  Like we do, we do need the man and, you know, we do need each other. Yeah.
• 40:46
  And I think as partners, it is our job to like challenge each other,
• 40:50
  but it's also our job to like encourage each other. For sure.
• 40:53
  Right. You know, like I think in that season of you like really stepping into,
• 40:59
  again, doing what you said you were going to do, regardless of what that is. Right.
• 41:04
  I feel like I did my best to like encourage you in that.
• 41:09
  But I think the minimum that I did was acknowledge that you were doing it.
• 41:14
  You know what I mean? I think as wives, we so desperately want to be the encourager
• 41:19
  all the time and our husband's cheerleader.
• 41:23
  And sometimes it doesn't happen because we've got a million things going on.
• 41:27
  But I do think even just the acknowledgement of like, hey, dude,
• 41:32
  you got out there and you fixed that car.
• 41:35
  I mean, you know, I think you've always done a lot since then.
• 41:39
  Good job, dude. But that was just like my first eye-opening thing.
• 41:43
  I don't know. And you've done so much since then. Like, I think we painted the cabinets in the house.
• 41:47
  I built a table. You built a table? LAUGHTER.
• 41:52
  I mean, you had done a lot up until that point, but still, like,
• 41:56
  that for me was just something so, it blew my mind. So anyway.
• 42:01
  Okay, y'all. Typical with Say Grace. We allowed this episode to go a lot longer than intended.
• 42:08
  So we're going to continue this conversation next week with Jess.
• 42:12
  And on that episode, we're going to dive a little deeper into different relationship categories.
• 42:18
  So things like communication and intimacy
• 42:21
  and fun and how we have not only come a long way and the things that have that
• 42:26
  have happened to help us do so but also some of our tips and our thoughts about
• 42:31
  each category that we feel like you can take into your relationship so join us back next week.