Latest / RealTalkwithMikeD / Episode 46 - Explosive Diarrhea ( Funny )

Transcript

Episode 46 - Explosive Diarrhea ( Funny ) · RealTalkwithMikeD

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Real Talk with Mike D. Ladies and gentlemen,
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: welcome back to Real Talk with Mike D. I am
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: the one, the only, and the original Mike D. I'm
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: going to apologize immediately. Right off the bat, I am
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: sorry for what you are about to hear and what
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: you are about to witness. I know on this podcast
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: we normally talk about Real things. We talk about life.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We talk about relationships. We talk about money. We talk
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: about stress and mental health and positive affirmations. But apparently today,
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: we are talking about explosive diarrhea. Yep, you heard me right.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Explosive diarrhea. Because sometimes you sit down and record a
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: podcast thinking you're going to discuss something deep and meaningful,
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: and then your stomach says, nope, we are changing the subject.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: Oh no! But let's be honest, nobody wants to talk
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: about diarrhea. It's one of those subjects where everybody has
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: experienced it, but nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: admit it. You could be sitting around with your friends
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: talking about your career, your relationships, your vacation plans, and
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: somebody says, Hey Mike, remember when I had diarrhea? And
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: then suddenly everybody needs to leave the room. Because they're laughing.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: They're like, this guy's an idiot. Why is he bringing
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: that up? But today, we are going there. Because explosive
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: diarrhea is one of those things that can humble a
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: person faster than almost anything else in life. You could
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: be the most confident person on earth. You could walk
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: into a room like you own the joint. You could
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: be dressed in a three-piece suit, six feet tall, rich
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: and famous. But when your stomach starts making those noises, yep,
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean. None of that matters anymore.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: And suddenly, you are on a mission. And your only
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: mission is to find a bathroom immediately. That's the difference
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: between regular diarrhea and explosive diarrhea. Regular diarrhea is like
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: your body politely sending you an email. Hey Mike, just
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: wanted to let you know there may be a situation developing.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Now explosive diarrhea, that's an emergency alert. That's a five
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: alarm fire. That's your digestive system hitting the nuclear launch button.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: And the worst part is, It always seems to happen
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: at the most inconvenient time. Maybe you're driving. Maybe you're
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: at work. Maybe you're in a fancy restaurant or a
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: fancy store shopping. Maybe you're visiting someone's house. Or maybe,
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: just maybe, you are on a first date. But ladies
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: and gentlemen, if that happens to you on the first date,
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: that will be your last first date with that young lady.
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: Because if you shit yourself in front of her, It
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: is game over. Or maybe, maybe you're driving somewhere. Maybe
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: you're driving to pick her up. And suddenly your stomach says,
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: hey Mike. And you know exactly what that tone means.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: And you're like, don't you dare. And then comes that
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: moment when you're starting to look around for a bathroom.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: And you're not walking anymore. You're speed walking. You're basically running.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: And you don't want anybody to know you're speedwalking. So
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: you do that weird thing where you're walking incredibly fast
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: while pretending everything is completely normal. And you're thinking, oh
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: my God, just act normal. Meanwhile, your face is sweating.
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: Your face is turning red. Your stomach is cramping. And
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: you're calculating the distance to the nearest bathroom like you're
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: planning a military operation. Oh, wait. There's a gas station
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: a half a mile away. Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: There's a McDonald's closer. Oh, wait. There's Walmart. There's Walmart.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: park your car you run into the bathroom and boom
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: it's all over but we have to talk about public
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: bathrooms because when you're dealing with explosive diarrhea suddenly you're
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: not picky you don't care if it's clean you don't
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: care if it's fancy you don't care if there's music
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: playing you don't care if somebody's standing outside the door
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: you just need that bathroom and you need it now
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: You walk through that door like you just won the
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: freaking lottery. Thank God. You sit down and you realize, yep,
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be here for quite some time. And
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: that's when you start questioning every decision you've made in
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: the last 24 hours. What did I eat? Oh my God,
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: why did I eat that? Why did I have that
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: second helping? I knew I shouldn't have trusted that leftover
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: Chinese food. And that's another thing. leftovers you ever look
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: at something in the refrigerator and think is that still
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: good and then your brain says probably that is how
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: trouble starts you smell it you look at it now
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: wait a minute you smell it and look at it
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: are we talking about diarrhea or are we talking about
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: something else okay okay back to back to back to
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: diarrhea so you convince yourself that food's fine Five hours later,
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: your stomach is filing a formal complaint. And let's not
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: forget fast food. Sometimes you eat something and your stomach
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: immediately says, congratulations, you have made a terrible decision. And
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: you haven't even finished the food yet. You're still holding
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: the french fries. And your stomach is already making evacuation plans.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: But here's the thing about diarrhea. It's miserable. But it's
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: also one of those universal human experiences that everybody has had.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: Everybody has had that moment. Everybody has been caught somewhere
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: without easy bathroom access. But I just hope you weren't
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: wearing white shorts. If you're wearing white shorts, game over.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: I mean, you might as well just go home. Everybody
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: has had that moment where they thought, I'm never eating
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: that shit again. And six months later, yep, I'm eating
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: that same shit because apparently we don't learn. Now here's
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: the serious part. You know what? I'm not even, I'm
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: not going there. I'm not talking about anything serious. This
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: is supposed to be funny. This is about diarrhea. This
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: is about shitting yourself. You know, laugh a little bit.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Life is too serious. This is funny. So ladies and gentlemen,
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: I'm going to end this here. I hope you enjoyed this.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: I hope you laughed. I hope you thought it was funny.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: And please do not shit yourself. And if you do,
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: make sure you're not wearing white pants. Okay? For the
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: love of God. Please. Please. Please. Stay away from white pants. Alright.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: I appreciate you all being here. I appreciate you listening.
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: And until the next time, be the reason someone smiles. Peace!
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: Thank you.