Latest / Unbalanced with Cerys Davage / 45. Friendships in your 20s

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45. Friendships in your 20s · Unbalanced with Cerys Davage

0:09
Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode of Unbalanced
0:13
with Me. Kerry Savage, how are you all
0:16
doing? I hope you're surviving this
0:17
winter. I'm hanging by thread, but I'm
0:21
excited to sit down and chat with you guys before I have to
0:23
shoot off to work today. I've been so excited to sit down
0:27
and talk about this topic today because it's a topic I have
0:30
wanted to cover since I started this podcast.
0:33
It's something that affects all of us, especially as young
0:39
adults, and I know a lot of you guys will be able to relate to
0:42
this episode. I know a lot of you guys have
0:44
asked me to talk about this kind of topic.
0:47
So today we're going to be talking about friendships,
0:50
specifically friendships in our 20s because that's the only
0:54
thing I can talk about. Can't talk about anything beyond
0:58
that really as a 20 three-year old.
1:01
And I guess I've been putting off talking about this topic so
1:05
far in my unbalanced journey because I didn't see how
1:10
disabilities would play a role in this topic.
1:13
But the further I've put this off in the more kind of life
1:17
experience I've had, the more I've realised that it definitely
1:21
does play a big part in friendships and there is
1:25
definitely a space to talk about that, definitely.
1:28
So that's what going to be diving into today.
1:31
We're going to be talking about friendships during school.
1:34
We're going to talk about friendships post school and
1:37
going into university and jobs and how unpredictable they are,
1:43
as well as how disabilities play a role in friendships.
1:47
Before we begin, this is me from the future just popping in.
1:51
I've frozen the video just to let you know that my very
1:54
talented friend Hayden has very kindly made an opening sequence
1:59
for me for my podcast. So if you haven't been watching
2:01
the video, I urge you to go back to the beginning just to watch
2:06
the opening video because it's so cool.
2:08
This is the intro I will be using from now on.
2:11
So thank you again to Hayden and back to you, Karis.
2:14
Yeah, let's get straight into it.
2:16
I'm not going to bore you with any life updates today.
2:19
If you do want to keep up with my personal life or just any of
2:24
the little bits that I get up to, make sure to follow me on
2:27
Instagram at Unbalanced Podcast and at Karis Davage.
2:31
If you want to follow my personal one as well.
2:33
That's where I keep in touch with people.
2:35
So if you have any questions regarding this topic or anything
2:39
else, then please shoot me a message over there.
2:42
I've also started to get my TikTok going.
2:45
If you want to follow my TikTok, it's at Keras Savage.
2:48
And if you're watching on YouTube, don't forget to
2:50
subscribe to me as well. That really would mean a lot.
2:53
Let's get straight into it. So this is a really, really big
2:57
topic and this is a topic that affects everyone so differently.
3:01
And I've obviously I can only talk from my own experiences.
3:05
I'm going to start with friendships in school because
3:08
the friendships you have in school are nothing like the
3:11
friendships that you have outside of school.
3:14
It's convenient. You are kind of, not necessarily
3:18
forced, but you are kind of forced to be with these people.
3:22
And what I really don't like about school, and I'm sure a lot
3:25
of you can agree, is the the categories that are placed in
3:29
school, the the cliques, the groups, you know, the certain
3:33
niches that are just placed onto you.
3:35
Very unfortunately, as soon as you start school, you are just
3:40
placed into this category and you're forced to be friends with
3:42
the people in that category. You know, you've got like the
3:45
computer nerds, you've got like the people who don't actually
3:48
care about work at all and just want to ditch their classes
3:51
every time, or you've got the people that compete in like the
3:56
school, like musical and stuff. And that was definitely me.
4:00
You've got some party animals, you've got like book nerds,
4:04
you've got art nerds. You've just got so many
4:06
different categories. And so as soon as you start
4:09
school and you start hanging out with certain people with the
4:13
same hobbies as you, you are placed in that category.
4:16
So I found in my school experience that my friendships
4:22
had evolved a lot over school. And by the end of school, I
4:25
think our group had gotten so big and friends of friends had
4:29
started to hang out with each other.
4:31
And the group had expanded so much that it was just really
4:34
difficult to figure out who you were actually fans with to the
4:38
core, who you would actually hang out with outside of school,
4:41
who you knew you were going to keep in touch with in school.
4:45
And I knew for me, those kind of people that I was going to stay
4:48
in touch with were the people that genuinely saw me for me and
4:53
genuinely wanted to hang out with me and wanted to help me.
4:56
I definitely had a couple of friends in school.
4:58
I was very, very lucky that stood by me during my time
5:03
figuring out my disability, because when I was in school, I
5:07
didn't really know much about my condition.
5:10
I didn't really know the effect it was going to have on me.
5:13
I didn't know how, I guess drastic it would change my life
5:18
in, in the in the future and in the long term as I was figuring
5:23
out my symptoms in school and there weren't many to begin
5:26
with. And you know, I started to
5:27
struggle with stairs. I did have friends that would
5:30
stick by me with that, but it took me having to explain to
5:33
them that I needed their help to get up the stairs, I needed them
5:36
to accompany me if I needed to use the lift instead.
5:40
You know, it took a lot of bravery and speaking out about
5:44
it, even though I didn't really know much about the condition
5:46
myself. And I say this a lot in my
5:49
interview episodes. You know, when people talk about
5:51
going through changes in school, it's really difficult to explain
5:55
those needs to other people whilst trying to figure it out
5:59
yourself and not even knowing what you're going through to
6:02
begin with. So yeah, that's, that's a kind
6:05
of a pivotal point I think for me.
6:08
And then after school you lose touch with a lot of people.
6:13
And maybe that's for the best because I guess in school you're
6:16
you're seeing these people every single day, you're in touch with
6:19
them. It's really easy to stay in
6:20
contact with them. But the more you are
6:23
disconnected from that lifestyle as soon as you leave school, the
6:26
harder it is to keep in touch with absolutely everyone.
6:31
I guess for me it was postponed a bit because Covad happened not
6:34
long after I started university, so I was still in touch with a
6:38
lot of friends from school and we would do group Zooms and
6:41
things like that and that was really nice.
6:44
But I guess after lockdown lifted and after Covad kind of
6:48
faded away and life went back to normal, you know, everyone's,
6:52
everyone's too busy, everyone is trying to figure out their own
6:55
life outside of school. They're all trying to figure out
6:58
their place in life and who they want to keep in their lives.
7:01
And it's not like a harsh thing like cutting people out of your
7:04
life. It's just a natural path that
7:08
just happens after you leave school.
7:10
And I think it, I think I really benefited from that because it
7:15
was such a struggle to keep in contact with so many people that
7:18
I realised I wasn't even that close within school.
7:21
And it's nothing to do, it's nothing personal, it's nothing
7:24
to do with that person or that group of people.
7:28
You just kind of figure out who you naturally stay close with
7:32
and who you naturally gravitate towards as friends and who you
7:35
really want to connect with deeper outside of school.
7:39
Because after school you have to make an effort to see people.
7:42
You have to put in that time to FaceTime, to text, to travel, to
7:48
see each other, to meet up. Because a lot of my friends
7:51
moved away from Cardiff, my hometown, and they they moved
7:56
away for university. So you know, meeting up to see
7:59
each other was more difficult apart from Christmas when
8:02
everyone comes back. And that's really nice.
8:03
It's like a little catch up. We all knew that friendships
8:07
evolve a lot after school, but I don't think you really fully
8:11
know the extent of it until you go through it yourself.
8:13
And you think like now I look back and I'm like, wow, I have
8:17
lost so many friends. Like I've lost contact with a
8:19
lot of friends. But that's just, you know, the
8:22
way life goes and that's just the way we grow as people is to
8:26
maybe start chiselling down on the on the amount of friends
8:30
that you have. And I have found that having a
8:33
few close friends are just so much better and so much more
8:37
valuable than having like a big group of friends like I had in
8:40
school that I realised I wasn't even close with half of them and
8:43
it was just there for convenience.
8:44
Like it's just so nice to be making these connections a lot
8:48
deeper, but it's also nice to not see your friends every day
8:53
in school. It's convenient.
8:55
You talk about absolutely anything and everything because
8:57
you spend every single day together by the weekends.
9:01
And even then, you know, we'd meet, meet up on the weekends a
9:04
lot of times. But it's just so nice to have
9:06
that time by yourself. Go to university, make some new
9:09
friends. Again, those friends are most
9:12
likely convenience. If you do get along with them,
9:15
you're there because you live together or you're on the same
9:18
course or the same society or whatever, but they're slightly
9:23
more organic than just being clumped together in a group like
9:27
in school. At least there you can decide
9:30
whether you want to be friends with them or not.
9:32
And but I'm really glad I had that time away from home to
9:37
figure out my own trajectory in life.
9:40
And that means when you come home or when you meet up with
9:43
those original friends, the connections are so much deeper
9:47
because you have so much more to talk to, talk to each other
9:50
about. You have so much more to say to
9:53
each other. You have a lot more catching up
9:55
to do. And I feel like seeing each
9:58
other less often and just having your own time by yourself just
10:01
like solidifies you as a person. Gosh, I sound really wise here.
10:06
Don't mind me. You just feel like these
10:10
connections are deeper in a way. And that's how I felt in uni.
10:14
And you know, it just gives you time to figure out your own way.
10:18
I think I've said enough on that.
10:19
Of course one thing that happened whilst I was at
10:22
university and not with my original home friends is my
10:27
condition worsened and that was something that my uni friends
10:31
quickly got used to because they didn't really know and me before
10:35
my symptoms at this point. Like they met me already with
10:37
this condition and with these symptoms.
10:39
So they they clung on to that concept pretty quickly and they
10:43
were able to help me pretty quickly because they knew what I
10:46
needed. But going home or Post
10:50
University, once I had worsened, you know, like I've been in
10:55
university three years, I come home, my symptoms are a lot
10:59
worse than they were when I started university.
11:02
That's just a fact. And that's just the way the
11:04
condition is. It's a degenerative condition.
11:07
My symptoms will get worse over time.
11:09
And so I think during uni, a lot of changes happened.
11:13
And so communication was key. Then when I got home, to have to
11:18
explain to these friends that I hadn't seen for maybe years, or
11:23
not as often as I had seen them in school.
11:25
And suddenly seeing them a lot more, you know, if I'd moved
11:28
home or if I met up with them more often, to have to
11:32
communicate those new symptoms to them.
11:34
And, you know, have to say like, Oh, yeah, I know we used to be
11:37
able to do that, but I actually can't do that anymore.
11:40
That's such a big step to take, but it's essential in keeping
11:45
your friendship real. I have to say here that I'm very
11:48
lucky in the sense that my friends have stuck by me and
11:54
they've tried their best to understand my condition.
11:56
They're very supportive. I just wanted to add an example
11:59
that my friends, both old and new have done or had to do a lot
12:03
recently, which is when we plan things together now, we always
12:07
have to find an accessible venue.
12:09
And they're really good at that, I have to say.
12:11
Like they're really good at just looking into things beforehand,
12:14
researching, phoning places, you know, messaging different venues
12:19
and different companies, asking if the place is accessible or if
12:23
we do come across a venue that's not accessible, they're really
12:26
good at helping me navigate that, you know, by challenging
12:29
members of staff or if there's like a step or two, they're
12:32
really good at just knowing automatically that I need their
12:35
arm to help me up or they'd be happy to ask a member of staff
12:39
for the accessible way or the accessible toilets.
12:42
So yeah, I just thought I'd add these in as a couple of examples
12:45
rather than just saying the word supportive in passing because
12:49
actions like these don't make me feel like a burden or that I'm
12:53
adding a sense of inconvenience to the situation.
12:56
They make me feel completely normal and will go out of their
12:59
way to do that. I think a good friend is someone
13:02
who doesn't see you for your disability.
13:04
It's just like a part of you and it's not a big deal, you know?
13:08
Yeah, definitely someone who doesn't make your disability a
13:10
big deal. That's that's a deal breaker.
13:12
I know that's not the case for a lot of people.
13:14
I've had a lot of people message me saying that their friends
13:18
have decided that they don't want anything to do with them or
13:22
that they just aren't willing to take out that time to get to
13:26
know the person's condition or, you know, the best ways they can
13:31
help that person. And so if you have friends like
13:35
those or people in your life that just don't really want to
13:39
associate themselves with that aspect of you, I just want to
13:43
say that they're not the right friends for you.
13:45
The right friends for you will be people that stick by your
13:49
side no matter what and are willing to help you through
13:51
things, willing to help you through your condition, willing
13:55
to be there by your side as you figure out your condition
13:58
yourself. And I don't understand how
14:01
people can call themselves real friends if they don't put in
14:05
that effort and energy. Because I would do it for my
14:08
friends, you know, if my friends needed something, if they had
14:13
something going on in their lives that was really difficult
14:16
for them, that's your role as a friend, to step up, to be there
14:20
for that person and to just help them through it no matter what.
14:22
Even if you feel like you're not really fulfilling that role in
14:26
the best way, you're still doing as much as you can.
14:28
You're still putting 100% in to that friendship.
14:32
And that applies even without a disability.
14:35
I have found myself all through these years after school, trying
14:40
to keep putting effort and energy into friendships that I
14:45
realised were completely one sided on my part.
14:48
The other person just wasn't interested.
14:49
The other person wasn't putting in as much energy as me into the
14:54
friendship. And that's when you have to just
14:56
pull the plug because I'm wasting so much energy here
15:00
trying to keep in contact with and stay close with someone who
15:04
clearly doesn't want the same. And it's nothing personal.
15:07
I mean, I take AI used to take a lot of things personally and I'm
15:10
really learning not to do that now.
15:12
But it's just the way life is. You know, that's their loss.
15:15
You have to know that that is their loss.
15:18
And you will do better without that friendship because why keep
15:22
pushing for a friendship that is clearly one sided that they
15:25
clearly don't want to be a part of?
15:27
That's just going to hurt you and affect you negatively more
15:31
and more. So you just got to, you just got
15:33
to cut, cut ties. You know, it's really difficult
15:36
to do that in the moment and I've had my fair share of having
15:39
to do that. But you'll, you'll grow from it,
15:42
you'll learn from it and you will realise that the true
15:45
friendships and the ones that are worth putting energy into
15:49
and that will flourish the best are the ones that will put as
15:54
much energy into the friendship as you do as well.
15:57
And I'm not saying you have to constantly be in touch with
15:59
people. I'm not saying you constantly
16:01
have to, you know, meet up with them, FaceTime them, text them
16:05
it. It can mean going months without
16:07
speaking to them. But then as soon as you do, you
16:10
put 100% into seeing each other, catching up into, you know,
16:14
investing in one another emotionally.
16:17
And for me, that's what a true friendship is.
16:20
And that's the kind of friendship that's worth putting
16:23
your time and energy into because those are the ones that
16:26
all flourish. Something I've experienced a lot
16:28
recently is I've made new friends as an adult.
16:32
And I'm not saying I've gone out and, you know, met those people,
16:36
made loads of friends, but I have made some meaningful deep
16:40
connections and relationships as an adult, outside of university,
16:45
outside of school, outside of education.
16:48
And it's so refreshing. And I think they're so
16:50
underrated. Like, why is no one telling me
16:53
to go out and make friends? I mean, they are, they
16:55
definitely are. But anyway, I have made some
16:59
really, really good and close friends in my 20s in this period
17:05
of my life where I'm working and I own a home and I'm just
17:10
completely separated from that life that I lived, you know,
17:14
when I was in school or university.
17:17
This is my own life and it's completely up to me what I do
17:21
with my time and my life. And those friendships that you
17:25
make in your 20s, it might be scary and you might feel right
17:29
now that you don't have many close relationships and many
17:32
close friends. But Oh my word, you guys need to
17:36
go out and make some friends in this era of your life because
17:41
it's it can be draining to try and cling on to friendships from
17:45
your past that maybe aren't benefiting you.
17:47
I just want to pause this for a minute as I'm editing this and I
17:50
realise that I'm making this sound really easy and maybe it's
17:54
because I'm an extrovert and I love socialising and this has
17:57
become quite easy for me and I've been very lucky in the past
18:01
to not find making friends really difficult.
18:04
But I know it's not the case for a lot of people.
18:07
I know that social anxiety exists and so does just being an
18:11
introvert and loving your own company and being fine with
18:13
that, so I just wanted to recognise that as well.
18:17
I know it can be so hard to socialise and make friends a lot
18:20
of times for a lot of people, so I just want you to know that
18:24
you're not the only one who struggles with that.
18:26
I know it's a really common feeling so I just want you to
18:30
know that I am there for you. My DMS are open for anyone who
18:33
just fancies a chat or need someone to listen to them and
18:37
take what I'm saying with the pinch of salt.
18:39
Obviously this is just my own experiences but everyone
18:41
experiences things differently so I would love to know your
18:46
perspective on things. If you disagree with a lot of
18:48
what I'm saying, don't be afraid to challenge me on this and to
18:51
send me Adm. If you're watching the video, I
18:54
apologise. The sun is out.
18:56
I'm completely in my eyes and I'm loving that the sun is out.
18:58
But it's slightly jarring. I've got tulips out though.
19:02
Have you seen those? I can't even look towards the
19:05
direction of them right now, but they are absolutely beautiful.
19:08
Tristan's mum got them for me and it just makes me so happy
19:11
because it feels like spring is already here or on its way
19:14
anyway. But yeah, I urge you all to go
19:19
out and make fans in this kind of era in your life because they
19:24
know you now. For you, they don't know your
19:28
past. Not that I've had a very dark
19:30
past. That sounds really sinister.
19:32
Not at all. But it's just a chance to start
19:36
fresh and for them to get to know you as you now.
19:40
Obviously, my condition at this point is the worst it's ever
19:43
been, and that sounds quite deep.
19:45
It's not. It's just a fact.
19:47
So making friends as I am right now, they will completely
19:52
understand the way my condition affects me.
19:54
Because as long as I open up to them about my condition and let
19:59
them in and let them help me, I know that the friendships
20:05
flourish so much because they know exactly how you work.
20:09
They know exactly what help you need.
20:12
And they're not going to judge you for it because I feel like
20:15
it's going to be a lot easier for people from your past to
20:17
judge you now because they know what you were like before you
20:20
got this bad. And I know I'm only speaking
20:23
from a perspective of someone with a degenerative condition,
20:27
but you know, a lot of disabilities come on later in
20:30
life, you know, through accidents or through late
20:33
diagnosis or whatever. So as long as you recognise
20:37
toxic friendships that maybe are ablest towards you and don't
20:43
respect you as much as they did when you didn't have the
20:46
disability or when you weren't as affected as you are now,
20:50
making time, making space for new connections is exciting.
20:57
And it's just such a great thing to do in your 20s especially,
21:02
especially if you've got a lot of different kind of friendships
21:05
from your past. Being able to start fresh, being
21:08
able to still feel like you're starting a lot of things in your
21:12
life even though you're 20 something, it's just so nice to
21:16
have someone that will support you in that way.
21:20
And I feel like, you know, we're past uni, we're mature, we're
21:24
working or we're doing whatever. The sun is still in my eyes.
21:28
I apologise, but the friendship can be a form of advocacy in a
21:33
way. Friends can be allies for
21:36
advocating and disability rights.
21:38
They can be supportive of you. They can speak up if they hear
21:42
something that's not quite right.
21:44
They can advocate for you in that way.
21:47
And it's just, it's refreshing to have people in your life that
21:51
understand you and that want to make that time for you.
21:53
So if you don't have those kind of people in your life, I urge
21:56
you to do so because it will change your life for the better.
22:00
It will lift such a weight from your shoulders in that way
22:03
because yeah, you've you've finally got friends that know
22:08
you and respect you for you and look beyond your disability for
22:12
you. And everyone's got baggage.
22:15
Everyone's got struggles, you know, and not one friendship is
22:18
going to be smooth sailing or easy.
22:21
But it's going through those things together that will make
22:24
you stronger. And I kind of sound like a
22:26
relationship coach as well right now, but I promise you, it is so
22:31
worth it once you find that connection, once you get deeper
22:36
into a friendship with someone, in a relationship with someone,
22:41
having someone to be able to trust and that you know will be
22:44
there for you and vice versa, you know, you know you want to
22:48
be there for them at all times. It's just so beautiful.
22:52
Another quality that's in a good friend is someone who recognises
22:59
that sometimes you need space, sometimes you can't do things
23:04
and doesn't force you out to do different things.
23:06
I have had to turn down a lot of plans in the past because you
23:10
know, I'm too tired or I just don't have the energy for it, or
23:14
I know I physically can't do it. And having understanding friends
23:19
in that way is so important because the last thing they
23:24
should do is make you feel guilty for not being able to do
23:27
the same things as them. And sometimes it's OK to not
23:30
want to hang out with people because you need your own space.
23:33
You need your own time. That is also important to
23:35
recognise. And everyone needs their own
23:38
space. And that's something we didn't
23:39
have in school because everyone's with each other all
23:41
the time. So now it's just really
23:43
important to recognise, you know, that you need that time
23:48
apart and like I said, it makes your connections when you do see
23:53
each other a lot stronger. I just love this kind of time in
23:57
our lives. I actually prefer being in my
24:01
20s than being in my teen years. And it sounds really weird to
24:04
say, especially as someone who could do a lot more physically
24:07
as a teenager. Obviously, there's a lot of
24:09
things I can't do anymore because of my condition that I
24:13
used to be able to do as a teenager, but I just prefer the
24:17
version of myself that I am now. I feel like I'm so much more
24:19
resilient. I'm getting emotionally maturer,
24:23
maybe not quite there yet. I don't know.
24:27
I just. And then meeting other people
24:29
that is also on the same wavelength and not immature,
24:32
not, you know, knowing how to maintain a proper friendship,
24:37
being able to meet people on that same level and still trying
24:40
to figure out life as much as you are.
24:43
Yeah, it's just so nice. So I'm looking forward to this
24:47
era in life and to just pursue my friendships in my 20s as well
24:52
as the original ones. You know, like I've been through
24:56
so many ups and downs with my home friends, like my original
24:59
friends from since I was really young.
25:02
And that's so needed, you know, I feel like the connections you
25:05
have with friends that you've grown up with, you're kind of
25:08
like siblings in that way. You know, you've probably grown
25:11
apart, you've probably fallen out a lot.
25:13
You've probably had to navigate so many ups and downs together.
25:18
But it will make you stronger because it will make you figure
25:21
out who you are and who that person is so much better and so
25:25
much deeper. And it's just so fulfilling to
25:28
watch your friends grow alongside you and to mature
25:31
alongside you and to be able to look back and think about how
25:35
far have we come since then. You know, I love my friends so
25:41
much, right? The sun's getting in my eyes a
25:43
bit too much. So I think I'm going to leave it
25:45
there for this episode. I hope you enjoyed it.
25:48
I hope that you were able to relate to or be able to take
25:52
something away from this episode.
25:53
If you have anything else you want to add about this topic,
25:56
please feel free to share it with us in the Q&A box
26:00
underneath this episode. Don't forget to follow and rate
26:03
this podcast 5 Stars. That really, really helps me
26:06
out. Thank you so much to Cure LDMD 2
26:09
I for sponsoring this podcast, and I will be back with you guys
26:12
very soon. But until then, have a lovely
26:15
couple weeks. Bye.