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You Make Me Mad! · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Good morning everybody.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Hope you're off to a good week.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um, hope you're uh I hope you're just tracking on where you're at.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh let me say that better.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you're paying attention to your internal state condition so that you can uh kind of practice monitoring and managing it better.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: I want to pick up with some things that we were talking about last week.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Last week we were talking about how this year's kind of gone kind of crazy and um we've had all this uh you know uh COVID-19 and the social distancing and stay at home kind of stuff.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: We've had the the the racial stuff that that is just you know stirred up everything in a in a you know, it's good, it needs to happen.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you know, uh, you know, here at Seacoast we've had some other things that have been stressful.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: Uh now people are concerned about uh getting back to normal.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: But what I want to talk to you about is not just not really specific to those things, although obviously they're great examples, but how do you the way I described today's session was I started with this statement, and I want you to imagine somebody pointing their finger at you and looking angry and saying this, you make me mad.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: And what I want to talk to you about is how much power you're giving away when you say that or when you say things like that.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, for those of you that know the teaching on boundaries that I've done, this is all sort of sneaking little pieces of that in there.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, you know, keep keep pay attention because pretty soon I'm gonna be doing some things with the boundaries that you could get involved in.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: Uh might call it boundaries, boot camp.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the deal.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: You make me mad.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk to you about last week we talked about that there's three types of control we have over anything in our life, over uh our children, over our our emotions, over the weather, over our health, over our finances, over other people and how they feel toward us.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: And the three types of control are direct control.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can determine the outcome.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need anybody else to cooperate.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: You can make this thing happen.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And um, to be honest with you, that circle's pretty small.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: The next type of control is indirect control.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: And indirect control is where you can't determine the outcome, but you can affect the outcome.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, the third area is no control.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you're gonna find if you're honest and if you want to be healthy, uh, you're gonna find that there's a whole lot of stuff you don't have much control over.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, direct control, anything over which you have direct control, you are responsible.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you can determine the outcome, then you're responsible for that outcome.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: You make a choice, you're responsible for the the uh consequences of that choice.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: And um you you you make a decision and go take take a course of action, you're responsible for that course of action.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um indirect control is the word influence.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: You can't determine the outcome, but you can influence the outcome.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then, of course, no control.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: What I said last week is this if in the areas you determine you have no or extremely little small control, the best thing to do is to find someone bigger than yourself that you can trust, and obviously that person is God.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: So, to put it in context, let me pick a few that when I when I've taught on this and I've said, hey, what are some of the things you you are concerned about?
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, and then we'll play with the the direct, indirect, and no control.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't let the simplicity of this not make you take seriously the power of it.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are some things that concern us?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: How about children slash family, um, health, finances, uh, you know, COVID-19 and and kind of a macro issue affecting our whole culture in one sense, economically and otherwise, but also um the concerns about our own health, the concerns about our loved ones' health.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: So let's just play with those four things.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And and here's what I want you to do.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Think about do I have direct, indirect, or no control, direct, indirect, or no control in each of these areas.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: So let's take children.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's always a little bit fun to do this because you ask a group of people, no matter what age they are, do you have direct, indirect, or no control over your children?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: And you'll get laughter and no control, you know, that kind of thing.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the deal: for the sake of time, I'm gonna cut to the chase.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Children, your children, should, with healthy parenting, pass through all three stages.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: There's early life, zero to twelve-ish.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: You have direct control over your child.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: You determine what to feed them, how what behavior is appropriate, what behavior isn't.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: You train them using whatever form of discipline you uh have decided to use.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, zero to twelve, you have direct control.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: From 12 to 20-ish, and again, there's lots of spread there, you have what I would call indirect control over a child.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: What does that mean?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: You can influence their behavior, and you really want to learn to give up control and pass it to them, and I'll explain why in just a minute.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And um, as they get through their their adolescent years into young adulthood and then adulthood, you want to give the control of their life.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Remember, if it's direct control, you can determine the outcome and you're responsible for the outcome.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your job as a parent is to work yourself out of a job.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Your job as a parent is to raise a child who doesn't need you anymore.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: And want you, love you, honor you, but not need you.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I'm talking about.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Children, we're talking about direct, indirect, no control.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Zero to twelve, direct, twelve to twenty-ish, indirect.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then there should come a point in a child's life where you have no control over them.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you don't really mean that.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I do mean that.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, your job is to give them their life and raise a young person who can govern, manage their own life and decisions.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: So children go through all three stages: direct, indirect, no control.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: What about health?
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: What about our health?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Do we have direct control, indirect control, or no control over our health?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think anybody would say no control.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: I can eat better.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, I need to.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I can exercise, I can do certain things.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: But can I determine the absolute outcome of my health?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Now, most of us maybe are Christians that have beliefs about stuff like that.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I would say to some degree, maybe more than most people think, but here's the deal, guys.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't have direct control over my health, particularly at my age.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, again, I just want you to feel what that feels like.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Direct, indirect, no control.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: How about finances?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Direct, indirect, no control.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Direct, indirect, no control.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Finances.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think very many of us would say no control.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: I can manage the money I have, I can use it wisely, I can uh develop my skills, excuse me, I can develop my skills to make more.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um I can uh get a different job, but also uh there could be large-scale macro issues where I lose my job, no uh no responsibility of my own.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: So again, here we are with another situation where I don't have absolute total direct control, but I don't have no control.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm kind of in this zone, and and to some degree I don't have control.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um COVID-19, uh, I can pray, I can uh I can follow to the best of my ability what I believe is what I should do based on my um health challenges, my stage of life, etc.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've got some age issues and I've got some health issues that make me want to be particularly careful.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: I trust God, I believe God's committed to taking care of me, but at the same time I want to be smart about it.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't have direct control over it.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: I can do some things in the middle, indirect control, that protect myself and my family.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I have to recognize that there's an element of, particularly on the macro level, there's an element of the COVID-19 thing that I don't have control.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: So remember what we said last week.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Direct control, anything over which I have direct control, I have responsibility in that area.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: If I can determine the outcome, then I'm responsible for that outcome.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Indirect control, I can influence the outcome, but I can't control the outcome.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: No control, what I need to do is find someone bigger than myself that I can trust.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously that person is God.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: So here's what I want you to think about for a moment.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: We started off by saying, imagine somebody that's scowling at you, saying, you make me mad.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the way I would teach it if we were doing a boundaries workshop is I would say this.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Where are your emotions?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Where is your anger?
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your anger's in your circle, it's inside your sphere of influence.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I would even go so far as to say this.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Everything inside your circle is guess what?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: Your responsibility.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's your responsibility.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to throw in another little phrase here that we're gonna play with next week.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: Three things that always travel together, and they always travel in this order: responsibility, authority, and power.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Responsibility, authority, and power.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: I know I'm going a little bit long, but we'll be okay.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Forgive me.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Responsibility, authority, and power.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Here's how that works.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: If I'll accept responsibility for the things that are under my direct control, I'm gonna be given the authority to carry out that responsibility and the necessary power to support my authority to successfully carry out my responsibility.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: What am I saying?
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: We all want more power, whether it's over our uh emotions, whether it's over our finances, whether it's over our health, whether it's over other people, and it's appropriate or not.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: We all want more power to kind of determine what happens.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the problem: power is the last part of it.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: To get to power, you've got to properly uh analyze and receive and recognize this the boundaries of your responsibility.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Within those boundaries of your responsibility, you receive authority, in other words, permission, and then where you have responsibility, authority slash permission, you have the power to be successful.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, let's go back to you make me mad.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: You make me mad.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm saying is this.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: You're responsible for my anger.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: You're responsible for my anger.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you would change your behavior, I would no longer be angry.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what I just did, whether I meant to or not.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: If I give you the responsibility for my anger, guess what else I give you?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: The authority and power to control me.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: What I give away is the authority and power to learn how to manage myself.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because I rejected the responsibility.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: The place you've got to learn to start is this simple question.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: God, for what am I responsible?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: And obviously, for what am I not?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where you begin to find yourself, direct, indirect, no control, responsibility, influence, trust.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: You make me mad.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm saying is, you're responsible for my emotion.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Whether I mean to or not, I'm abdicating my responsibility, and I'm giving it to you.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: And whether I mean it or not, understand it or not, I'm giving you the authority and power to control me.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, guys, I hope you get that.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's not gonna end well, and it's not gonna make you a pleasant person to live with because you're you're not doing jobs that are yours.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're expecting someone else to do jobs that are not theirs, and consequently, nobody's got the appropriate levels of authority and power to do the jobs that are theirs properly.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna stop there, but we're gonna pick this up next week and we're gonna talk about this whole area of control, and I use that term loosely because I'm not a big fan of it.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: But this whole triangle or trinity, if you will, of responsibility, authority, and power.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: I think it touches so, so, so many areas of our life.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to be free from victimhood, victim mindset, you've got to figure out how these three things work responsibility, authority, and power.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: So we'll talk about more about it next week.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: I so appreciate you hanging in there with me.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I see some of your names dancing over there.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Sam, I see you're watching.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: I saw Robert Knight, I see Angie, uh, and forgive me if I missed your name.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_00: I can just call out some that I've seen while I've been talking.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: But uh, love you guys, and um uh spread the word about this, man.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: This particular stuff we're talking about that we started last week is so important.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's a key to your owning the power that's yours and letting other people own the power that's theirs.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: And man, does it live well.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: Love you guys.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_00: Bye.