Latest / That Mom / Stop Managing Everything: How to Build a Summer Routine Kids Actually Follow Pt II ( Nicole Gambino)
Transcript
- Maria Woods: To That Mom, the podcast where we explore finding more joy and more meaning in the beautiful chaos of motherhood. I'm your host Maria and I'm so glad you're here. Welcome back. We're here with Nicole Gambino to finish up our conversation on creating capable, confident kids through summer routines. Let's jump back in. We're kind of successful as adults in part by our good habits that we build. Right. And so, ⁓ you know, I know when I'm trying to do something, take a new supplement or make sure I floss every night, that yeah, I have to build in these routines. Usually I'm anchoring them to like bedtime. When I'm doing when I'm brushing my teeth, I'm gonna floss, or when I'm having my first meal of the day, I'm gonna take my vitamins. So This really kind of makes sense. We're doing the same thing with our children. We're just teaching them this executive function. One hundred percent. And you are trying to zero in on those bookends. That's what I call them the beginning of the day and the end of the day. That's where the magic happens. Yes, that totally makes sense, especially in summer. Cause otherwise in the school year, probably the end of school or possibly the end of camp could be another transition. 100%. Yes, you really want to zero in on those transitions. And so everyone should be doing this, especially for personal hygiene, light chores, and maybe some school schoolwork or reading or coloring, something like that. Yes. Yeah. And what's the danger if summer is open-ended? Open-ended, because we do want to have fun. We do wanna ⁓ Right. Sometimes I can see a parent saying, I want my kid to sleep in and wake up and do what they want to do. Like what's the what's the challenge of doing that? Everything in moderation. So the challenge is is your child do they have the self-discipline to initiate tasks that are typically ones that are going to be avoided or they're gonna procrastinate on. And if the answer is yes, then you want to have a plan. Because if not, then you're not providing them with any source of empowerment because you're taking on the role of motoring them through those responsibilities. And then we talked about this last time, but give an example of motoring and what you mean. Reminding. Reminding. Reminding. ⁓ So when we're reminding, we're in charge. Yes, exactly. So the onus should always be on the child. That's what creates empowerment because over time they're able to self-observe that they are capable. And that capability is building their confidence over time and creating self-reliance. Yeah. But if it's on you, then there's a disconnect, right? Because they are capable. Yeah. So it's it's really again, I always say we're playing the long game here. You want them to go out into the world feeling capable and feeling confident, knowing that they can do hard things. Yes. So in this case, we're really asking our kids to do something maybe that they don't want to do, but we're giving them the skills to work through it, to figure it out. To figure it out exactly, to feel Safety in a sense that there is a plan in place. Okay. So it's almost like a turnkey. There's a plan in place. And if it feels like nails on a chalkboard, which for some students it or children rather, it really can, what could you do to make it more tolerable? Could you play some music? Could you put your, you know, your air buds in? Could you grab some gum or have a snack? Or even give yourself a quick reward afterwards. So again, it's it's just an infusion of different kinds of techniques and strategies that you're teaching them to employ really and to and to embody because that is real life, right? Yeah. And that's real life. And when you say play the long game, it makes sense because I think I don't know about your experience, but I can see where parents might have a hard time implementing this is that they just want the kids to be kids. They don't want to burden them with responsibility, right? And I think it what you're saying is it's really benefiting them so much more than any temporary discomfort in having to kind of follow through on a ⁓ pre-approved plan. One one hundred percent. Yes, it's so important. And I understand that. Let kids be kids. Let them, you know, be innocent and enjoy the day and the moment and not have worry or burdens. ⁓ and at the same time, a part of building their self-confidence is through teaching them that moving through life is also about. Doing things that we don't want to do and being able to move through that friction, discomfort, I always call it the clench. Okay. And if students never have a sense of what it's like to have to move through that, that creates pretty large challenges later on. Yeah. Also, I love that you keep bringing up confidence and empowerment. ⁓ because those are such positive things. I think everyone wants to have a confident, capable child. ⁓ and then this system is really creating that, really creating confidence from the ability to move through these challenging situations. Well, you know, think about it like simplistically, I guess. Think about Being able to master a task that you once saw as impossible. Yeah. That's an incredible feeling. Yeah. That's so true. There is, I I always look at that, it is priceless. It is priceless. And that's why I love doing this work. Because yes, it is, it's challenging, and there can be ⁓ a lot of emotion, which is absolutely okay, that that is released when we're asking children to do things that feel really hard, really unpleasant, really uncomfortable, and to them unnecessary. But once they get to the other side. It's just it It it's you you like I said, you just can't put a price on it. Yeah. Because what it's doing is it's building the belief that they have in themselves. Yeah, the capability to do these things. I think that's to do whatever they want to do. Yeah. To do whatever they want to do. And that's I think that's why I always say, Well, aren't you know, I always when I'm having these conversations, aren't we playing the long game here? You know, I want my own son to abandon. ⁓ above anything else, believe in himself. Because that's what this is really about. It's about your belief in yourself. And there is so much self-doubt out there, Maria, especially with social media. That you know, going back to the basics and getting a little grit in there, it goes a very, very long way. Yeah. Such a powerful message. ⁓ And to that end, would you give me some examples of real routines that could work for a couple different age groups? Like what is a good summer routine? Obviously it's gonna depend on the family and depend on your goals, but what are some that you like or some examples of things you've been working on putting together with parents? Okay, so one that comes to mind right now is I have a family, ⁓ they have two children. One of them is in elementary school and one is in middle school. Okay. And the elementary school student is being asked to same, you know, when feet hit the floor, there are a series of steps that she is being asked to move through. Whereas her brother, who's in middle school, needs a little bit more time. So he is getting up. Setting ⁓ an egg timer, taking some time to have breakfast and settle in, and then start his routine. Okay. And so they both vary a little bit. So the elementary school child, she gets up, she's expected to brush her teeth, to brush her hair, to get dressed, to go downstairs and put food out for the family pet. And she is able to make herself breakfast. And she goes out and she waters some of the flowers in the front. And then she comes in and she is able to fold some clothes for herself and for her brother and put them away. Wow. In the best way that she can. Again, this isn't about having any kind of expectation on what it looks like. It's to the best of her ability with regard to her age. Yeah. Right. Cause I think some people are probably listening like, wow, that's a lot. But then as I'm listening to, I'm like, it does seem really doable. Yeah. Water some flowers. Okay. Have some breakfast. Okay. Fold some clothes, like you said, to the best of her ability. So we don't know how neat they are, but they're folded. They get folded and they get put away. That is huge. That's I mean, that's a huge help to the family. It's it certainly is. And she feels great about it. Yeah. And then she moves on with her day. Okay. And that's the end of it. Great. Right? And so then her brother. His routine is a little bit different. So his routine involves making the bed, of course, you know, getting up, relaxing, putting his egg timer on, and then he's ready to, he actually goes back upstairs and he makes the bed, does his, you know, his teeth, gets dressed, brushes his hair, comes down, empties the dishwasher, and what is his? I think he goes out to get the mail. So the dishwasher, the mail, and then some yard work, not necessarily ⁓ watering, but stuff that his his dad puts together for him because they have pretty big property. So it could be, you know, moving some rocks around, ⁓ you know, dirt piles getting cleaned up, but he really likes to be outside. So that works for him. That's great. Two great examples for different kind of age ranges. and they also those the that family, those children were also asked what they wanted to do as a routine. As a routine. So the parents came up with a list first and then they sat with their kids and they discussed and they came up with what they what they thought would be practical and realistic and reasonable. ⁓ that's great. So what from this list kind of sounds good to you type of conversation. Exactly. So again, not that you can't do it this way. They're not being told what to do. Right. And again, every household is different, right? W if you have older kids that maybe this is going to be new to them, the delivery might be a little different. Yeah. ⁓ and so I have a question. Sure. This is for me. Okay. So my son, I he's great and he loves routines. So I'm sounds like it. Loving all this information. But sometimes I've been introducing s some more chores like, would you do this? Would you do that? They're not routines right now. So what if you're trying to establish a routine? Do you have to explain why? So for example, I'll say to my son, what about, you know. Picking up this room or clearing the table, and he'll sometimes say, like, why me? Why do I have to do everything? And so do you have to explain like this? I try to say, you know, this is part of helping the family and blah, blah, blah. But sure. You can explain once or twice. And that that's that's about it. Yeah. That's about it. again, everybody parents differently. Right. Or you know, we're we're all individuals. I always I I think back to when I was growing up, nothing was explained, but that was my generation. You just you did what you were asked or told to do. Right. And I think, you know, I didn't ⁓ intuitively I just knew my mother cooks every single night and she did. And We were expected to clear the table and put everything in the dishwasher. And I did not like it at all. But I under but but I got it. It was obvious why I was being asked to do it without an explanation. So I'm not I'm not big on over explaining. It's like too much water kills the plant. Yeah, that makes sense. It they can handle it. They can do it. And again, it may ⁓ again, your son is five, right? ⁓ six. Six. I I wouldn't be asking him to rinse dishes. Right. But maybe even setting the table, like putting the placemats. I've had my son putting placemats on our table since he was five or six. Yeah. Because nothing's breakable. And that's something that he can do safely. Yeah. It is funny because so ⁓ my son's six. We have this little routine. ⁓ but now I'm thinking about What he does every day when he wakes up a bit more. Part of his is getting dressed and making the bed, but I'm kind of thinking about how we can make this into a habit. ⁓ and then my daughter, who's only four, is like, what's my routine going to be? Because she's so exciting. Yes. She's like, When do I get my summer routine? And it's in it's it's infectious. So it's just like I think about when I design a workspace for a student. Typically the siblings want in on it. Yes. Right? And how fun is that, really? It's great. It's fantastic. And again, though, they feel empowered. They feel empowered. Sure, when they're laying around and they're watching TV or they're playing, they don't want to do these things. But yet, once they're in the zone of doing them. you can see that energy shift. Yeah. Because they feel productive and that is super empowering. Super empowering. I think it gives them a bit of purpose too, right? So 100% I know there's purposeful. There's a book, The Anxious Generation, and I think that talks a lot about anxiety and lack of purpose. So just kind of came to my mind as another way that you're providing a bit of purpose for kids. Absolutely. I think we we all feel good when we have a bit of purpose. Yeah. So it's like that balance. I understand. Let let kids be kids and let them have that open time and that open space. But let's let's give them some purpose, have a little grit, right? And build that sense of capability, confidence, self-reliance, self-belief. Yeah. Okay, now I hate to talk about the end of summer because we're just getting started in summer. But is there anything you'd recommend as summer comes to an end and we start to think about going back to school? Is there any way to support that? That transition. That transition, yeah, from like a routine perspective, from a perspective of ⁓ having our kids know what to expect and be able to start the school year initiating on their own? Well. I guess I I look at it always through the lens of materials. Okay. So kids, they like things. They like materials and they like to have things and they need things for school. So that's how I start that transition. So if they don't have a workspace, that's what we start to talk about. where it's gonna be, what it's going to look like, what we're going to need for it, and doing the shopping for it, which is fun. And also, you know, having some pleasers in there, some like comforts and maybe fidges and whatnot, because it gets them excited. We're not thinking about the work aspect. We're setting the tone for the environment. And if they already have a designated workspace, then we just we talk about clearing it, cleaning it. Talking about maybe ⁓ what additional materials they might need and what we could do away with and how we could make it even better. Do we have a comfortable chair to sit in while we're doing our homework? Like how are how are we progressing with this? That's usually a great way to transition. Yeah, that's a really fun tip that I have never heard before. In terms of I've heard you talk about homework and workspace, ⁓ because you have a great homework warrior student program, but ⁓ I've never heard that as a summer transition tip. Like let's set up the workspace, make that fun and exciting, talk about what we need, involve obviously your child in the process. It's their space as a way to help them start thinking about their success in the school year. 100%. And it it anchors them to the experience of school of Homework and it's empowering and it creates autonomy because it's theirs. Amazing. This is great. Anything else you want to say about summer, summer routines? I would just say to everyone, you know, have a plan. Think about the guardrails. You want it to be practical and realistic and be patient. Patience and also it doesn't have to be perfect. It's just have an open mind, but have structure in terms of making sure that your child that you're setting them up for success. Basically, with the I want to make sure that they're able to independently initiate without my motoring. How can I do that? How could this be fluid? And have me step back at the same time. So it's just taking a little bit to to just think about what that is going to look like. Yeah. It's a process though. It doesn't happen overnight. Yeah. Which makes sense. I think last time you said it could take two weeks. ⁓ you know, so if we're expecting a child to get up and initiate making their bed and brushing their teeth, getting dressed, that could take some time if it's brand new. Especially if it's brand new, and especially if you have an older child. Mm-hmm. But that's the success metric, right? So I that's ⁓ how I understand you say, have an open mind but be structured is the expectation remains the same. That's the structure. Getting up, getting dressed, brushing your teeth. But we're having an open mind about how the hair is brushed or how the laundry is folded in that last example. So we're not You know, we're we're looking at them initiating as a success, not nitpicking how the hair was brushed. Never. Exactly. Yes. 100%. That that is just a pillar. 100%. That they are what that's what you're looking for. You're looking for independent initiation and completion. So it independent initiation and follow through. And whatever that looks like is is okay. Yeah. That's great. That's great. Thank you, Nicole. This was so much fun talking about summer. Thank you so much for having me. This is Maria, and you've been listening to That Mom. Thank you for being here. If this episode resonated, share it with a mom who needs it too. And if you're ready for more, your next episode is waiting. Because every conversation here is meant to empower you to live. Better.