Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #446 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#446 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
0:07
Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers. Now.
0:10
Speaker 2: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson. It's Friday. Love Fridays
0:15
Speaker 2: because we get to talk about I'll do better tomorrow.
0:17
Speaker 2: This is the segment on the podcast where we focus
0:20
Speaker 2: on what went well or what didn't over the past
0:21
Speaker 2: week and try to figure out how we can do
0:24
Speaker 2: things better. And in the.
0:26
Speaker 1: Background, why you like Fridays.
0:29
Speaker 2: Why do I like Fridays Because we get to be together. Okay, So,
0:32
Speaker 2: for those of you who have missed the news, Kylie
0:34
Speaker 2: and the kids are on the coasts. We're moving there.
0:36
Speaker 2: I'm still in Brisbane trying to pack up the house,
0:38
Speaker 2: get the trades people to come through and get it
0:40
Speaker 2: all ready for sale. We're almost on the market, finally.
0:43
Speaker 2: It's been such a long process, but we're nearly there.
0:46
Speaker 2: About a week or so to go now, Thank goodness, Kylie.
0:49
Speaker 2: Because it's old do better tomorrow. I think that it's
0:51
Speaker 2: time for us to have a conversation about what we've
0:53
Speaker 2: learnt this week about parenting, what we did well, what
0:54
Speaker 2: we didn't do so well. It's a moment of truth. Perhaps,
0:58
Speaker 2: do you want to go first or should I.
1:00
Speaker 1: Oh, look, there's been so many ups and downs. I've
1:02
Speaker 1: actually really struggled to make a decision on what I
1:05
Speaker 1: should share with you today. But I'm going to go
1:08
Speaker 1: a little bit sciency on you.
1:10
Speaker 2: I think, wow, a reverse in the way we normally
1:14
Speaker 2: do things. But that's fine, let's hear it.
1:16
Speaker 1: Well. We talk a lot about gratitude on the podcast,
1:19
Speaker 1: and especially the benefits of gratitude. But the other day
1:23
Speaker 1: I was reading Brene Brown's latest book, Atlas of the Heart,
1:28
Speaker 1: and it's just this amazing book that kind of really
1:32
Speaker 1: gets to the nitty gritty of what each emotion is
1:34
Speaker 1: and how it manifests in us. And she wrote about
1:40
Speaker 1: gratitude and she actually included a quote by Robert Emmons.
1:44
Speaker 1: I don't know if you've heard of him, but he's.
1:46
Speaker 2: The world Bob Emmons is the world's most renowned gratitude researcher.
1:50
Speaker 2: I've got two of his books on my shelf right
1:52
Speaker 2: behind me.
1:53
Speaker 1: Well, I might just have to read them because I
1:55
Speaker 1: really appreciated what he said. He said, research on emotion
1:59
Speaker 1: shows that positive emotions were off quickly. Our emotional systems
2:03
Speaker 1: like newness, They like novelty, they like change. We adapt
2:07
Speaker 1: to positive life circumstances, so that before too long, the
2:10
Speaker 1: new car, the new spouse, the new house, they don't
2:13
Speaker 1: feel so new and exciting anymore. I found that fascinating,
2:16
Speaker 1: and I'm going to talk about that soon. But it
2:18
Speaker 1: goes on to say, but gratitude makes us appreciate the
2:21
Speaker 1: value of something, and when we appreciate the value of something,
2:23
Speaker 1: we extract more benefits from it. We're less likely to
2:26
Speaker 1: take it for granted. In effect, I think gratitude allows
2:30
Speaker 1: us to participate more in life. We notice the positives
2:33
Speaker 1: more and that magnifies the pleasures you get from life.
2:37
Speaker 1: Instead of adapting to goodness, we celebrate goodness. We spend
2:41
Speaker 1: so much time watching things movies, computers, screens, sports, but
2:44
Speaker 1: with gratitude we become greater participants in our lives as
2:48
Speaker 1: opposed to spectators. And as I was reading that, like
2:53
Speaker 1: I said, I was really blown away with this idea
2:56
Speaker 1: that positive emotions wear off so quickly, because I think
3:00
Speaker 1: about when I'm angry, for instance, and I can be
3:03
Speaker 1: angry for a really long time, as you can, it
3:08
Speaker 1: just doesn't seem to disappear. But liking acknowledges, you get
3:12
Speaker 1: a new dress or whatever, and the feeling of that
3:15
Speaker 1: wears off really quickly.
3:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel every time I get a new dress,
3:20
Speaker 2: the feeling of excitement wears off very quickly. Indeed, I
3:22
Speaker 2: can tell you now.
3:25
Speaker 1: So the reason I was sharing that was I number one,
3:28
Speaker 1: just I guess for me a mental note that those
3:31
Speaker 1: positive emotions do actually disappear quite quickly, and that gratitude
3:36
Speaker 1: gives us an opportunity to almost relive those positive emotions,
3:41
Speaker 1: and we extract more benefits from life by expressing gratitude
3:45
Speaker 1: because of that capacity for us to relive. And so
3:48
Speaker 1: I had an experience with the kids this week that
3:51
Speaker 1: just really highlighted that for me. One of our daughters
3:54
Speaker 1: having a bit of a rough time at the moment,
3:56
Speaker 1: and she just did not want to get up for
3:59
Speaker 1: school no matter what I asked of her, it just
4:02
Speaker 1: wasn't going anywhere. And so I just decided to kind of,
4:05
Speaker 1: you give her a bit of space and just acknowledge
4:08
Speaker 1: that she wasn't going to make it to school on time,
4:11
Speaker 1: but that if I played my cards right, that hopefully
4:13
Speaker 1: she would actually go to school in her own time.
4:16
Speaker 1: And she eventually got up. She had a big, big
4:19
Speaker 1: sleep and she got up and I made her some
4:21
Speaker 1: breakfast and we just had a really nice, calm morning.
4:24
Speaker 1: I didn't badger her, We were just able to have
4:27
Speaker 1: a conversation and she shared some of you know, the
4:29
Speaker 1: experiences she's having at her new school, and without me
4:33
Speaker 1: even asking her, she kind of finished the conversation and
4:37
Speaker 1: she said, Mom, I think I might go to school now,
4:39
Speaker 1: And so she went and got herself ready. But it
4:42
Speaker 1: wasn't until that night when we sat around the dinner
4:45
Speaker 1: table and I asked each of the girls to express
4:49
Speaker 1: what they were grateful for that she was able to
4:52
Speaker 1: share with me just how important that moment was, because
4:54
Speaker 1: so often, because our lives are busy, there's not a
4:59
Speaker 1: lot of time for us to just sit and be
5:01
Speaker 1: still and for her to not have to share me,
5:03
Speaker 1: and she was just so grateful that while it meant
5:07
Speaker 1: she got to school light, that she was able to
5:09
Speaker 1: have asleep and she really really felt like her body
5:11
Speaker 1: just needed that right now, and then she was able
5:14
Speaker 1: to just have some still time with me, and that
5:18
Speaker 1: meant so much to her in my mind, you know,
5:21
Speaker 1: I was doing everything I could to just stay calm
5:24
Speaker 1: and just you know, help her work through it. But
5:26
Speaker 1: for her, it was such an important moment, and I
5:29
Speaker 1: would have missed it if I had just been so
5:32
Speaker 1: caught up in the agenda. But the expression of gratitude
5:36
Speaker 1: meant that I actually got to relive that moment in
5:39
Speaker 1: a totally different way because of this perspective she brought
5:43
Speaker 1: to the table. And so I just wanted to share
5:45
Speaker 1: that because I found it really powerful in marrying up
5:50
Speaker 1: what I had read this week and the aha moments
5:53
Speaker 1: that I had had myself in there, and then kind
5:55
Speaker 1: of seeing it come to fruition as my children were
5:58
Speaker 1: able to share their express of gratitude.
6:01
Speaker 2: So I'm extracting a number of take home messages from this.
6:03
Speaker 2: Number one read Brene Brown Outlets of the Heart. I
6:06
Speaker 2: think that's probably the the ultimate take home no.
6:10
Speaker 1: No.
6:10
Speaker 2: Number one really is let the kids sleep in even
6:13
Speaker 2: if they're going to be late for school. Sorry, I'll get.
6:16
Speaker 1: I don't know how many parents will like.
6:19
Speaker 2: That take home message. So what is from your point
6:22
Speaker 2: of view? I mean, there are actually a number of
6:25
Speaker 2: things that we can extract from this, But what's your
6:27
Speaker 2: ultimate take home here? Is it be grateful? Is it
6:30
Speaker 2: slow down and just be with the kids. Is it
6:31
Speaker 2: a combination of reliving and savoring the good moments and
6:35
Speaker 2: the other two things. Where do you land on this
6:38
Speaker 2: all of them?
6:39
Speaker 1: For me, it was just, you know, kind of letting
6:41
Speaker 1: go of the agenda and giving my child the space
6:45
Speaker 1: that they needed in that moment, but then having those
6:48
Speaker 1: beautiful moments of gratitude and expression of gratitude that allowed
6:52
Speaker 1: us to relive that moment with greater perspective and understanding.
6:56
Speaker 2: Up next, the way that we completely destroyed our last
7:00
Speaker 2: weekend and what that did to help us to make
7:04
Speaker 2: life better, to make sure that we could do better tomorrow,
7:06
Speaker 2: plus perhaps the most heartwarming moment I've had with my
7:08
Speaker 2: kids in weeks. It's their Happy Families.
7:12
Speaker 1: Podcast for a happier family, Try a Happy Families membership,
7:16
Speaker 1: because a.
7:17
Speaker 2: Happy family doesn't just happen. Details at happy families dot
7:21
Speaker 2: com dot au.
7:23
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
7:25
Speaker 1: poor parent who just wants answers now. And today we're
7:28
Speaker 1: sharing our insights and reflections from the week that was.
7:31
Speaker 2: So we're only supposed to share one, but I'm going
7:32
Speaker 2: to share two. A couple of nights ago, you gave
7:34
Speaker 2: me a quick call and said I'm losing it. I'm
7:37
Speaker 2: not doing well at all, and we've got a child
7:39
Speaker 2: who is not happy. I could hear the screaming in
7:42
Speaker 2: the background from our seven year old Emily, who was
7:45
Speaker 2: just over it right. I mean, this is a really
7:47
Speaker 2: hard time where our family is relocating. I'm only with
7:49
Speaker 2: you guys, two or three nights a week at the moment,
7:52
Speaker 2: a brand new school, not in any permanent address yet,
7:54
Speaker 2: while we're still trying to get our household so we
7:56
Speaker 2: can buy a new place or run a new place
7:58
Speaker 2: on the coast. Everything's kind of not where it belongs,
8:01
Speaker 2: and our children are lacking the rhythm and routine of
8:06
Speaker 2: regular life. So you gave me a buzz and said,
8:09
Speaker 2: and this is the great thing to take our message.
8:11
Speaker 2: I'm going to share it. Before I even share the story.
8:13
Speaker 2: When you're in the middle of the firefight, it's really
8:16
Speaker 2: hard to get the perspective you need. Sometimes you need
8:19
Speaker 2: to step back. You've got to create a new perspective,
8:22
Speaker 2: create some distance so that you can figure things out.
8:24
Speaker 2: And you knew that you couldn't because you were juggling
8:27
Speaker 2: irritable children, a couple of them and one who was
8:30
Speaker 2: absolutely losing the plot. So you gave me a call
8:32
Speaker 2: and said, you talk to Emily. So Emily came to
8:35
Speaker 2: the phone reluctantly and still hollering. And I don't know
8:39
Speaker 2: where it came from. I don't know why it popped
8:40
Speaker 2: into my head, but I said to her, you sound
8:43
Speaker 2: so upset. Would it be helpful if I sing you
8:45
Speaker 2: a song? So normally we've got a nighttime routine where
8:49
Speaker 2: whatever not, I'm putting the kids to bed after I've
8:51
Speaker 2: read stories and given them hugs and said prayers. I'll
8:54
Speaker 2: sing songs to them until they fall asleep or until
8:57
Speaker 2: they can't take it anymore. And she said, if you
9:00
Speaker 2: want to, which I couldn't believe. I thought she was
9:03
Speaker 2: going to shut me down straight away, because when she's
9:05
Speaker 2: in that mood, she does not want me to sing.
9:08
Speaker 2: So I sang her one of our favorite special lullaby songs,
9:13
Speaker 2: and she was quiet. She was engaged, and so I said,
9:17
Speaker 2: would you like me to sing another one? So I
9:18
Speaker 2: sang our second most favorite one, and then I asked
9:23
Speaker 2: to fucking sing one more, my favorite, which I did,
9:27
Speaker 2: as I have loved you. It was just this beautiful moment,
9:30
Speaker 2: and by the end of that she was quiet. She
9:32
Speaker 2: told me that she loved me. She hung up the phone.
9:34
Speaker 2: You sent me a text message ten minutes later, and
9:36
Speaker 2: the two of you were lying in bed, cuddling and
9:38
Speaker 2: hugging and smiling, and I just thought, Ah, nailed it.
9:42
Speaker 2: It's about perspective, it's about distance and really connecting with
9:46
Speaker 2: our kids, and it just really really hit me. So
9:49
Speaker 2: I wanted to share that as a short I'll do
9:51
Speaker 2: better tomorrow, just to highlight to anyone who's going through it.
9:54
Speaker 2: Sometimes just pulling in the reserves, pulling in somebody who's
9:58
Speaker 2: not in this situation, who doesn't have the emotional baggage
10:00
Speaker 2: that we're carrying in the middle of the firefight, it
10:03
Speaker 2: can be the circuit breaker and make all the difference.
10:06
Speaker 1: You're a great circuit breaker.
10:08
Speaker 2: All right now. The real one that I wanted to share, though,
10:10
Speaker 2: is this one. On the weekend, we had an experience
10:13
Speaker 2: that could have been disastrous, and I shared it on
10:16
Speaker 2: social media. It kind of went a bit banonkas on
10:18
Speaker 2: social media. We ended up with something like two hundred
10:21
Speaker 2: and fifty comments and like thousands and thousands and thousands
10:25
Speaker 2: of views and shares and all that sort of stuff.
10:29
Speaker 2: And here's what I wrote. I write quality family time.
10:31
Speaker 2: It requires intention and a commitment to do things together
10:35
Speaker 2: even when the inertia of sitting on the couch is strong.
10:39
Speaker 2: In fact, can I just jump in here, Kylie? You
10:41
Speaker 2: know I really don't like getting off the couch on
10:43
Speaker 2: a Saturday, or getting out of bed on a Saturday
10:46
Speaker 2: and doing stuff that requires effort, like going for a
10:49
Speaker 2: bushwalk or a bike ride. I know we do it
10:51
Speaker 2: all the time, but I don't want to do it.
10:53
Speaker 2: I want to sit in a cafe and have somebody
10:54
Speaker 2: give me food and drink. I want to hang around
10:57
Speaker 2: with you and talk about adult stuff and not drag
10:59
Speaker 2: the kids through the humidity somewhere that they don't want
11:02
Speaker 2: to be and I don't want to be. Do you
11:03
Speaker 2: know what I mean? Like, it's hard to do Super Saturday.
11:06
Speaker 2: Sometimes I can't believe you've just said that. Do you
11:09
Speaker 2: ever feel like it would be nicer to not go
11:12
Speaker 2: to the effort and just watch a movie? Like? I
11:15
Speaker 2: think that's normal as a pairent, And that's how I
11:17
Speaker 2: was feeling anyway. On Saturday. We decided for our Super
11:20
Speaker 2: Saturday because I'd seen something on Instagram about a really
11:24
Speaker 2: great place about an hour and a half away from
11:26
Speaker 2: where we're living now, and it just looked beautiful. I
11:29
Speaker 2: saw these people swimming in these swimming holes in the hinterland,
11:34
Speaker 2: and I said, let's go there. Let's do it. We
11:37
Speaker 2: woke up early on Saturday morning. We drove to the
11:39
Speaker 2: stunning freshwater swimming hole in the Sunshine Coast Inland. We
11:42
Speaker 2: jumped off the rocks, we saw goannas, We had a
11:45
Speaker 2: really delicious morning tea. We skimmed stones across the water.
11:47
Speaker 2: It was just a perfect super Saturday. Except that's not
11:53
Speaker 2: really what happened. But on social media, I shared this
11:57
Speaker 2: beautiful blurb about what we did, and I showed the
11:59
Speaker 2: video of the kids swimming in this crystal clear swimming
12:02
Speaker 2: hole and it looked so gorgeous. But then I actually
12:06
Speaker 2: told the true story and here's what really happened. Because
12:08
Speaker 2: Facebook and Instagram usually only give you the highlights, the
12:11
Speaker 2: good stuff. We left late. It was an eighty minute drive.
12:15
Speaker 2: I didn't research the place, and when we got there,
12:17
Speaker 2: we discovered that you can't get a regular car in
12:20
Speaker 2: You need a four wheel drive to cross a couple
12:22
Speaker 2: of river crossings, so we had to park at the
12:25
Speaker 2: first river crossing on the side of this dirt road
12:27
Speaker 2: and hike about one and a half k's into where
12:31
Speaker 2: the first water hole was, and the kids didn't bring shoes,
12:34
Speaker 2: and it was rocky, and it.
12:36
Speaker 1: Was hot, and it was dusty because as the cars
12:39
Speaker 1: drove past us, if they weren't trying to splash us
12:41
Speaker 1: in the water, they were kicking up dust and stones
12:44
Speaker 1: as they drove past.
12:46
Speaker 2: We ate so much dust, and we had we had
12:49
Speaker 2: two kids that had tantrums because it was hot and
12:51
Speaker 2: it was dusty and it was uncomfortable, and they didn't
12:53
Speaker 2: have shoes, and we didn't plan and we didn't know
12:54
Speaker 2: where we were going. And then when we went past
12:56
Speaker 2: waterhole number one, we got to waterhole number two, but
12:59
Speaker 2: we actually didn't make it way because we saw people
13:01
Speaker 2: driving in and then driving back out. We were the
13:02
Speaker 2: only people walking. And finally I stopped one of the
13:05
Speaker 2: four drives and said, how come everyone's driving down and
13:08
Speaker 2: driving back? And they said the place is full, like
13:10
Speaker 2: there are so many people. All of the water holes
13:13
Speaker 2: were chokers. But one person said, go back to number one.
13:15
Speaker 2: It's probably the second best one and it's usually pretty quiet.
13:18
Speaker 2: So we finally went back to waterhole number one, and
13:21
Speaker 2: you know what, it was actually beautiful, but I was
13:23
Speaker 2: so terrified.
13:24
Speaker 1: That it wasn't because when we first got there, we
13:27
Speaker 1: landed in front of the part of the creek where
13:29
Speaker 1: it was literally ankle deep trickling. There was dead tree
13:34
Speaker 1: branches all over the place, and the girls and I
13:36
Speaker 1: looked at each other and kind of went, this is
13:39
Speaker 1: not what you showed us in the video.
13:40
Speaker 2: Have we just gone.
13:42
Speaker 1: Through all of that for this? And they were so
13:46
Speaker 1: over it. They literally stripped down to their togs and
13:48
Speaker 1: they were ready to swim in that ankle deep water
13:51
Speaker 1: before you said, let me just walk down the stream
13:54
Speaker 1: a little bit and see if there's anything else swift
13:56
Speaker 1: looking at.
13:57
Speaker 2: So I walked around the corner about fifty meters. Unfortunately,
13:59
Speaker 2: I did find a swimming hole. It wasn't the one
14:01
Speaker 2: that was in the video. It wasn't the big, beautiful one,
14:03
Speaker 2: but it was still Actually it was really nice, and
14:06
Speaker 2: I got some great footage to make it look like
14:07
Speaker 2: that had been the highlight. But then I also knew
14:10
Speaker 2: that we were going to have to walk back another
14:12
Speaker 2: k and a half along a hot, dusty, rocky road
14:15
Speaker 2: with kids with those shoes, And now it's the middle
14:17
Speaker 2: of the day and it was going to be far worse,
14:19
Speaker 2: and so I managed to grab a ride with some
14:22
Speaker 2: people who showed up. They literally arrived. They spent twenty
14:24
Speaker 2: minutes there and then they were heading off and I
14:26
Speaker 2: just said, do you reckon. We could fit in the
14:28
Speaker 2: back of your car. So they threw us in the
14:30
Speaker 2: back of the ranger, the forward ranger, and they drove
14:34
Speaker 2: us back to the car, and I guess that was
14:36
Speaker 2: a happy ending, but the kids were a bit disappointed
14:37
Speaker 2: because once we were there, they really were enjoying it.
14:40
Speaker 2: So the takeo message to all of this is number one,
14:43
Speaker 2: do your planning. Number two, make sure you've got a
14:46
Speaker 2: full ward drive if you're going somewhere that forward drives
14:47
Speaker 2: are necessary. But more than anything, it can actually end
14:51
Speaker 2: up being really great if you've got a great attitude
14:54
Speaker 2: but maybe low expectations. And also, you remember last week
14:58
Speaker 2: and I'll do it bit it tomorrow. I said that
14:59
Speaker 2: ending's bad. I talked about colonoscope Who could.
15:02
Speaker 1: Forget that, my honey, And so what I think you
15:06
Speaker 1: could bring colonoscopies up into parenting and have it related.
15:10
Speaker 2: But I was remembering that podcast while I was organizing
15:13
Speaker 2: this ride in the back of the car with these people.
15:15
Speaker 2: I was thinking this has started dreadfully right now we're
15:20
Speaker 2: actually having a really good time. But if we have
15:22
Speaker 2: to drag the kids back along that dirty, dusty road
15:25
Speaker 2: to the car, it's going to end badly. I think
15:29
Speaker 2: that I can make a happy ending for everyone if
15:31
Speaker 2: we get this ride and it worked out. They were
15:34
Speaker 2: happy to give us the ride. The kids enjoyed the
15:36
Speaker 2: opportunity to sit in the back of a car and
15:38
Speaker 2: zoom along the road and go through the riverbeds and
15:40
Speaker 2: all that sort of thing. They thought that was great,
15:42
Speaker 2: and we ended up having a good time in spite
15:45
Speaker 2: of it all. But so many take home lessons there
15:47
Speaker 2: about getting those family activities right. And you know, I
15:51
Speaker 2: got to say it was worth it. I could have
15:53
Speaker 2: sat on the couch. The couch could have grown arms
15:56
Speaker 2: and held me down, but I'm so glad we went
15:58
Speaker 2: and did it.
15:59
Speaker 1: If you have the adventure mindset, then everything is an adventure. Well,
16:04
Speaker 1: and it just adds to the story.
16:06
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it does. We really hope that today's I'll
16:09
Speaker 2: Do Better Tomorrow version of the Happy Families podcast has
16:11
Speaker 2: inspired you to gratitude and intention with kids. Maybe some
16:15
Speaker 2: psychological distance and circuit breakers where needed. And hopefully a
16:19
Speaker 2: sense of adventure for what you might be able to
16:22
Speaker 2: plan fully engage in tomorrow.
16:26
Speaker 1: Waterer towlsand shoes, honey water shoes.
16:29
Speaker 2: With your Oh that's right, I forgot to mention. We
16:31
Speaker 2: didn't carry any water with us either. We've done this.
16:33
Speaker 1: This is a car were we left it in the car?
16:38
Speaker 2: All right? Enjoy your super Saturday tomorrow. We hope that
16:40
Speaker 2: it's inspired something for you. The Happy Families podcast is
16:43
Speaker 2: produced by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is
16:45
Speaker 2: our executive producer and if you'd like more info about
16:48
Speaker 2: how your family can be happier, you'll find everything you
16:51
Speaker 2: need at happy families dot com dot au. A quick
16:54
Speaker 2: mention as well on Monday, an important discussion that we're
16:56
Speaker 2: going to be having about homework, whether we should be
17:00
Speaker 2: doing it with the kids, whether they should be doing
17:01
Speaker 2: it at all, and talking as well about some of
17:04
Speaker 2: the big changes that Ossie's schools are considering.