Latest / A Heart That Beats for Home / 39. 25 Lessons Learned in 25 Years of Marriage: Insecurities, Laughter and the Power of Words / Lessons 16-20

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39. 25 Lessons Learned in 25 Years of Marriage: Insecurities, Laughter and the Power of Words / Lessons 16-20 · A Heart That Beats for Home

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey friends, I'm Nikki Smith, your host here at A Heart that Beats for Home, the podcast where we're ditching filters and diving headfirst into the raw beauty of all things home.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Now, I am no expert when it comes to this whole parenting and marriage dance.
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: I'm simply a gal who's been riding the mom roller coaster for 22 years and a wife still untangling the mystery of it all 25 years after saying I do.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: My goal is to bring you unapologetically messy and boldly genuine conversations about cultivating strong families.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: We're going to laugh, possibly cry, and straight talk about the joy and chaos that comes within the four walls that we call home.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: No judgment and certainly no perfection, just real talk from my heart, a heart that beats for home.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Let's dive in.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Hello friends, welcome back to another episode here at A Heart that Beats For Home, excited to have you here with us.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Can't believe that it's already October.
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: The air is fresh and crisp, the windows are open, the trees are changing colors Such an amazing time of year.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: I absolutely love fall Time to get out the flannel and the sweatshirts, and easy to go out and exercise outside without so much heat.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: It's one of my favorite months of the year and excited just to be coming back here in the fall these last three months of the year and really just ending well with this marriage series that we started three weeks ago.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: Today we're in week four, next week we will wrap it up with week five, and we have been talking about 25 lessons that my husband and I have learned through being married for 25 years, and I have to back up real quick and tell you guys just a little bit about the most epic 25th anniversary trip that we just took.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: We've been back for about a week now, but we were able to take 12 days.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: That is the longest we have ever been able to get away.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: In our 25 years of marriage, just the two of us.
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: We've had lots of amazing vacations.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: Both of us are able to earn trips through our employers and we get to travel a lot.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: That way, we get to see a lot of the country.
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: We're so fortunate.
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: We often are traveling with other couples, with other families.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: We love to travel with.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: Our children, have been able to take some amazing trips as a family of five, but this was outside of a trip that we took for my 40th birthday seven years ago.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: This was one of the only times we have ever traveled alone together since having our children outside of a quick weekend or a getaway like that, and so to have 12 days, the trip kind of took on a life of its own.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: It started as it was going to be a week-long trip and then, when I found the destination we were going to, I was like, oh, we have to extend it a little bit.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: And then, with travel days, I didn't want travel days to be crazy, so we tacked on extra days on the beginning and the end, but we were gone for 12 full days, just the two of us.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: The first two days we were able to have some fun interactions with some other friends of ours, but then, literally day three through 12, we were not with another soul that we knew, it was just the two of us.
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: No agenda, no plans, just the most amazing free schedule and time to just have so much fun together.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: So when we were talking about this big 25th anniversary trip about a year ago, I had said I really want to do something.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: This is a really big milestone and my husband is so great.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: He said you just kind of you decide where you want to go, like you pick some stuff.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: He's so easygoing.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: And he said come back with a couple of ideas and kind of present you know what you're thinking and then let's talk through it.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: I was able to do a ton of research and typically we take a tropical vacation.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: We're kind of beach people, we love to read and sit out in the sun and just that.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Vitamin D and the beach and the waves is kind of how we have almost always traveled.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: And so started looking at all the different places Costa Rica and the Virgin Islands and I was looking at these beautiful homes right on the water that we could rent.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: Some of them even had private chefs that came in and cooked dinner.
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: And the more I was researching, the more I was just finding that to get to the actual location that I wanted us to be at was a ton of driving or taking small prop planes into a little bit more remote areas and just worrying about.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: You know, just I don't know all the things about traveling right now in the world.
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: I just didn't have a piece about any of these amazing locations that I had researched, especially because we wanted to stay there for a good amount of time and then also having to feel comfortable venturing out or renting a car or having a car service take us to a bunch of different things.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: Nothing was setting really well with me that this felt like a good idea for the amount of time that we were going to go.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: So I kind of started thinking I'm just going to start looking up and down both the east and the west coast of the United States and just checking out all these little towns and what's available and ultimately was kind of in Oregon, looking at some really amazing stuff in Oregon.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: I thought it would be really fun coming out of the summer to have a vacation that maybe was beach but more sweatshirt at the beach.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: I thought that could be kind of a more laid back fun, just different environment than what we're used to.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: And so, researching through Oregon and looking at all these different houses that we could stay in, and somehow, as I was searching right, if you're familiar with Vancouver Island, you know that Vancouver Island is right north of the Seattle area, it's part of Canada, it's a rather large island right off of the coast of Vancouver and somehow my cursor ended up in Vancouver Island and I didn't know about Vancouver Island.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: I don't know how I have missed the memo on this most amazing, beautiful island.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: I came to realize that I actually knew more about it than I knew.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: That I knew because we have watched many seasons of the TV show alone.
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: If that's not something you've watched, I encourage you to go check it out.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: It's a fun one, especially for junior high boys.
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: A little bit younger boys really love it it's.
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: You know, you get dumped out in the wilderness alone and you have to survive for the longest.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: And I remember commenting when we were watching the show in the earlier seasons that this is the most beautiful landscape ever, like when they would do the fly-ins to go drop off the contestants or pick them up, or just some of the scenery that you would see, just thinking this is the most beautiful landscape ever.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: We'll come to find out that I think three of the first seven episodes were filmed on Vancouver Island and as I was researching this island, started to find that a lot of it is not inhabited.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: It's a ton of just natural God's country and trees and an unbelievable population of black bear and just beautiful amounts of water and inlets, and I mean just all the things the orca whales, the humpback whales, the seals, and so in researching this island, just got to the point that I was like this is it, this is our location, this has everything I want.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: It is an island, it has beach, it's beautiful beach, it's got some really cool attractions that we can go and do and see.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: There's no language barrier, there's no real safety issues, there's no worrying about renting a car and just the safety of that.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: It's not the easiest place to get to, but it is easy enough to get to and just decided this is where we were going to go.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: And so, once I had decided on the location, I spent about six months just digging in and really, really processing like every single detail of this trip.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: And you guys, it was everything we could have dreamed of and more.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: And I know recently we talked I think it was with my dear friend, lisa Dooley, when we were talking about trips and travel with our spouses, and she had said you know, 50% of that trip is the anticipation or looking forward to it, and then 50% is the actual trip.
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: And then, talking with another dear friend, kelly Urosik, on the podcast this summer, she said I actually think it's three part, it's 33% looking forward to the trip and just having that thing on the calendar that you're looking forward to that time with your spouse.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: It's 33% the time that you're on the trip and then it's 33% reminiscing and looking back and the memories and the pictures, and I just so agree with that.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: And we left that trip and we said to each other I can see why it's really important to already be talking about what's going to be our next trip Now.
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: It probably won't be another 12-day trip.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: That was a long time to be away.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: God bless our sweet middle child.
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: She just owned it at home.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: She's 19 years old and she just totally swooped in and took over mom mode and took care of her sweet 14-year-old brother and got him everywhere he needed to go to his basketball, to his schooling, helped him with a lot of his schooling, since he does a homeschool hybrid.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: And so we are very fortunate that we are in a stage now.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: I guess that's the beauty of making it to 25 years is that your babysitting obstacles become a lot less than they maybe were when the kids were little.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: But just thinking about looking forward to what is going to be our next trip, and we kind of came out of that trip saying I think every five years now, at this stage in life when there's a little bit more time a little bit more finances available.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: I think every five years we need to have kind of a bigger trip, you know that week long or 10 day long trip, but even just yearly, those fun little maybe it's three days or four days, but something that right now already we start planning and looking at because it was so great just to have that on the calendar and look forward to it.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: It was a little bit sad.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: I actually cried the day that we left.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: We were walking around a beautiful path on the harbor in Victoria, on Vancouver Island, and I just started crying and my husband was like why are you crying?
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: And I was like I don't know, I'm just like I'm so filled up, I'm so like, so grateful for the last 12 days that we had and so many memories and it was everything we could have dreamed.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: And then some, and then also like a little bit of like sadness that it's over, but also like I'm not really sad.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to almost like I don't want to go back to, you know, my calendar, running our lives and you traveling for work and just the busyness that I knew we were coming right back to.
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: There was just the most peace for those 12 days to have no schedule, no distraction, nobody else that was traveling with us that we were checking in with to see what we were going to do.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: Are you ready for lunch?
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: Do you want to go to dinner?
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: It was just literally hour by hour.
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: We got to just decide, and so real quickly.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: Just a couple of highlights for that trip.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Number one if you're not familiar with Vancouver Island, go look it up.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: There's only a few big cities if you will not even big cities, a few cities that you can travel to.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: And so our trip started with us flying into Seattle and then we took a ferry through the Puget Sound.
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: Everything out of my free, willy dreams, except we did not see the orca.
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: So that was the only bummer of the trip.
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: We didn't go on a whale watching tour.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: We did a lot of other amazing things but we did not see orca.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: So that's still on my list.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: But we were able to travel through the Puget Sound on a three hour ferry ride in a beautiful ferry from Seattle to Victoria.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: We spent two nights in Victoria, right downtown in the harbor, had just the most amazing time.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: We walked around, we rode bikes, just were able to really see a lot in a couple of days.
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: I have to back up, though, and tell you the night that we were together in Seattle, we were able to meet dear, dear friends who were unbelievable mentors in our life.
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: Our youth pastor and his wife, lauren and Sue Tucker were the youth pastor and wife that were at the church when Jed and I were in junior high and high school, and that is where Jed and I met.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: It is where we fell in love.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: We dated all through high school, and these dear friends were such a huge part of that, and as we planned the trip and I was getting all the arrangements together, I said to my husband you know what?
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: I think Lauren and Sue live really close to where we're going to be.
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: So I reached out and, sure enough, they live about 40 miles from where we were going to be in Seattle, and so the very first night of our trip, we were able to sit in a restaurant for I don't know probably three hours with two people that probably had some of the greatest impact on our entire high school dating young married life that we would still point back to now and say these are two people that were really influential people in our life.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: They influential people in our life.
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: They were influential in our faith.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: They were influential through those seasons of just figuring out who you are in junior high and high school and navigating hard topics.
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: They were there for us for that.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: They were there through the relationship battles that we went through and just really, really foundational people in our story.
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: And so to be able to spend that first night of this really special occasion with two people who played such a huge role in our lives I walked in the restaurant.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: We haven't seen them.
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: We figured it was between 25 and 30 years since we had seen them 25, 28.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: And I walked in the restaurant.
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: We saw them across the way and as soon as we approached I literally just started crying.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: I was like, oh my gosh, the amount of emotions.
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: I haven't seen them in so long.
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: They look the exact same.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: It's crazy they have aged so gracefully.
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: But just to be able to sit there for hours and hours and just talk and laugh and reminisce and share about where we're at now and what God is doing, it was just the most epic way to start out this trip.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: So then the next day traveled to Victoria where we did a couple of great things met up with a friend there who took us on a really fun hike.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: That's kind of off the beaten path.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: That was just amazing and stunning and beautiful to some waterfalls on a beach, and then after that we traveled to the town of Tofino.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: It was about a five and a half hour drive, the most dreamy little surf town in the middle of nowhere on this island, and we spent eight days between Tofino and another little town I believe you say Euclid and just dreamy.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: Everything about these two towns was dreamy, and we were able to stay in a geodome right on the water.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: If you go, check out my Instagram page, I definitely posted a lot of great pictures from this trip.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: But a geodome right on the water in Tofino, that was just everything we dreamed it would be, and then some.
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: But you never know when you see these things on the internet.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: Is it going to be epic or is it really well photographed and you're going to get there and be like.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: This is not what I expected and everything was what we thought, and more so.
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: We stayed in that geodome.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: We were able to go on an excursion one day to a floating sauna 25 miles by boat into the Tofino Inlet, literally by nothing and nobody, where this amazing sauna is anchored in a cove and they leave you there for four hours and it's you and a fire pit, the sauna, floating in this most magical space and we're able to paddleboard out there.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: We had some seals that were following us on our paddleboards.
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: They did say occasionally they see whale up there.
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: I'm very grateful that while on a paddleboard I did not see whale, but just the dreamiest experience there.
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: We then were able to travel to a stunning home in Euclid and we saw black bear on the property.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: Two days in a row we hiked the Wild Pacific Trail.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: I think total.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: On this trip we ended up hiking almost 50 miles and we rode our bikes about 70.
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: We rented bikes from a really sweet little rental place there and were able to do a 50 mile bike ride one day.
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: That was just.
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: I mean, every single mile was breathtaking and just leaving that trip with such a full heart we were able to have so many on those 50 miles of walking, so many different discussions and we we talked about different areas in our life.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: We talked about finances, our family, our marriage and just kind of our future plans and and where do we want to work on what's a couple of things.
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: My husband's really good at kind of reeling me back and saying, okay, we don't need 20 things in each area, like what are one or two things that we can take home and we can implement in these different areas of our life?
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: And just leaving that trip, having laughed a ton, having had really great deep conversations, having rested, there were some days that we just took naps.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: We were like we hiked five miles this morning.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: Are you tired?
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: I'm tired, let's take a nap.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: My husband taught me how to play cribbage.
• 16:49
  Speaker 1: We probably played 15 games of cribbage.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: It was kind of our morning routine.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: I mean, talk about tell me you've been married for 25 years without telling me you've been married for 25 years.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: But just so much electronic free conversation, fun, laughter, planning, dreaming, talking about our kids and just the things that they're doing and how proud we are of them, how we want to come alongside them.
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: It was just magical, and so I really think I'm going to put this entire 12-day trip in a PDF and make it available to people because, literally, if you could copy and paste, if you're an outdoors person, if you like the beach, if you love a good sweatshirt, weather and just some good rest.
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: This is the epic trip, so I'm so grateful for that.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: It was such a great way to celebrate 25 years and we both feel really invigorated and excited about the next 25 that we are praying that God blesses us with.
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: So just a super, super fun time.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: I need to jump into our five lessons for today or we're going to be here for forever, but I just wanted to give you guys a little inside scoop.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: But again, go check out the Instagram page.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: I'll link it in the notes that way you can see some of these epic pictures from this amazing trip.
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: But we're up to number 16 in the lessons that we've learned in marriage, and number 16 is most issues stem from my own insecurities.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: So when we're having issues, when I am constantly feeling sensitive about something, or there's that specific topic that always comes up that seems to really get under my skin, most of the time it stems not from a problem with my partner, but from my own insecurities and lies that I have chosen to believe, things that I haven't really taken time to work on, roots of doubt and you know, again, just lies from the enemy that I have chosen to believe about myself and things that my spouse says or things that my spouse does, they poke a hole in that and they irritate it.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: And it's really important that when we sense this, if poke a hole in that and they irritate it and it's really important that when we sense this, if you have that thing, that's a constant poke.
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: I think I've shared on other episodes.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: For me it's an insecurity about am I doing a good enough job at home, I think for me I won't speak for others, but for me as the mom, as the wife, as the one that's primarily responsible for the ins and the outs of the day, as the wife, as the one that's primarily responsible for the ins and the outs of the day the cooking, the cleaning, the family calendar I take a lot of pride in that and it's overwhelming.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: And so there are a lot of times where it doesn't all get done well that, the times where I'm killing it on the house cleaning, maybe our food is a little bit more not so pulled together.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: Or when I'm absolutely killing it and we house cleaning, maybe our food is a little bit more not so pulled together.
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: Or when I'm absolutely killing it and we have these beautiful homemade meals, the house is falling apart a little bit because I spent a lot more time in the kitchen.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: Or when we're going through a season that's maybe more difficult, like right now.
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: We are in a season of homeschooling with a freshman in high school that's doing physics and geometry and a lot harder stuff.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: That's requiring me not just to look over his shoulder and say, hey, that's not right or you need to change that or let's talk about that, but is literally as I was getting ready to record this podcast, he showed up with a question that took us sitting together for an hour to wrestle through this piece of history and the questions that were going with it.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: Hour to wrestle through, like, this piece of history and the questions that were going with it.
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: And so in doing that, well, other things aren't getting done, because that's taking time.
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: And when there's comments made about the laundry room is a mess or, oh my gosh, the fridge is empty or you know any of these things, or maybe you miss something on the calendar a dentist appointment and you instantly just feel like I'm not good at this, and if somebody else says something about it, it's instant defense mechanism for me, but you don't have a clue how much I'm balancing or nobody sees what I'm doing, and it is something that I need to be working on in my own life to A not find my identity in this thing of being the homemaker, the wife, the mom.
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: That cannot be my identity because I will never do it perfectly.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: I will never get to the point where the house is perfect, the meals are totally clean and healthy, the schedules are running exactly perfect, I never miss an activity, I'm able to be at all three kids things all the time.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: Like it's never going to come to that, and so until I can get to the place that I can recognize that is not where my worth is from.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: It's important and I need to do a good job at it.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: It's always going to be an insecurity that when poked or when comments are made or when people don't contribute are going to set me off.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: And so again, just recognizing, if there is an argument that you continue to have, maybe for you it's around finances, maybe there is always conflict around finances and you have to back that up and say what is the insecurity in me that doesn't like to talk about this or that doesn't like to be asked questions about finances or how I spent my money, like what is the insecurity in me.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: There are so many different examples of things that if you go this is a thing we always argue about one or both of you probably have a deep insecurity around that subject.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: That needs to be addressed.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: And so ask yourself why am I so sensitive about this?
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: And then, what in me needs healing that, if left undone, is going to continue to be a pain point.
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: So number 16 lesson is most issues stem from my own insecurities.
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: And a side note to that if you're the spouse and you know that your husband or wife has this pain point or has this insecurity, and you use that as a place to poke and prod and aggravate, that's on you and part of our relationship is I would never want to do anything to intentionally hurt you, to intentionally push a button, and so if you are finding that you know that your spouse has an insecurity and it's an easy way when you get tired or frustrated, that you poke on that button I want you to really think about how that's impacting your relationship and is it for the better or the worse?
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: And if it's not for better, then you need to stop doing it I can promise you it's not for better and recognize that that is an insecurity and, instead of pointing it out as a flaw, work to say hey, I know that it makes you uncomfortable when the house is a mess.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: I think you're doing a great job and let me help you.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: Let me get the kids to come help you, like we're so grateful for what you do.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: Use it as a way to encourage and start to break down some of the insecurity that your spouse might have around that issue.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: Okay, lesson number 17,.
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: Laughter is essential.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: You have to have fun.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: There were so many times on this trip where we found ourselves laughing so hard as we were recalling something that had happened specifically the day that we were out paddleboarding.
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: We were out there and my husband had seen a spout of something a little you know, probably a couple hundred yards away.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: And, of course, as soon as he said that, like my whole heart, my whole body just was like I cannot.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: I cannot even be out here on this paddleboard right now, 25 miles from civilization.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: We hadn't taken the walkie talkie on the paddleboards with us that they had left us with, which probably wasn't super smart.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: But we're out there and he sees this spout and he's like, oh my gosh, there's a spout out there.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: I don't know what it was.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: So I immediately want to sit on the paddleboard.
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: I'm like I can't be standing because I'm going to lose my balance and fall in this water.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: I pulled myself together.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: It was far enough away.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: He said it was traveling the other direction.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: We still don't know if it was a whale, if it was a dolphin, a porpoise, we don't know what it was, but everything in me just kind of panicked.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: So we kept paddleboarding and I was like okay, I'm far enough away from the sauna, it is absolutely time for us to go back.
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: We need to go back towards something that I can stand on outside of this paddle board, on the water.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: So we're heading back, turned our backs to the place where he had seen the spout and paddling paddling, and he looks back to look at me and says oh my gosh, nick, right behind you.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: You guys, literally if my blood pressure could have been taken we're in the middle of the water.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: So right behind me means in the water.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: I'm 100% convinced that this whale, or whatever he saw, is literally right behind me.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: I think a couple of tears might have instinctively fallen and he started laughing and he's like no, it's a seal, which still, I don't need a seal right behind me in the water, in the middle of nowhere.
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: So I turn around, probably 20 feet behind my paddleboard is this seal just popping his head out of water, looking around, looking at me, and that little stinker they call them curious harbor seals followed us the whole way back.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: He would stay about 15 to 20 feet behind but he would just pop up.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: He'd look at me, he'd go back down but I never knew where he was and probably 15 times on the trip we would laugh so hard about when Jed turned and looked at me and said oh my gosh, nick, right behind you, I thought I was going to die, I thought that was the day I was going to die.
• 26:04
  Speaker 1: But you guys, you have to have fun, you have to laugh.
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: A couple of weeks ago we have some snakes in our backyard which I can't stand.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: It's funny that all these stories are about animals, but we have snakes, not tiny little snakes like some larger snakes.
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: We live on the edge of a 600 acre forest preserve and so forest preserves have snakes.
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: Unfortunately, they really like our yard, we've been told.
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: It means that we have a super healthy vegetation here on our property.
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: I don't want healthy vegetation because I don't want snakes, but regardless they're here and they make me crazy.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: It is my least favorite animal on the planet.
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: And so I was outside doing some gardening, I was planting some plants in this planter on our backyard and my husband came out and he was talking to me and all of a sudden started screaming and jumped away and I panicked.
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: I absolutely panicked, because I was sure a six foot snake was right there.
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: Well, he was being a jerk, he was being funny and I got so mad at him.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: I was like that is not funny.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: I.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: I was screaming.
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: The kids opened their windows because they could.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: They heard me scream from the initial scare and they're like oh my gosh, mom, are you okay?
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: And jed knew that he was busted.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: But he came inside and he knew I was probably going to give him the silent treatment for the Day.
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: But I came inside and I just started laughing so hard and I was like I hate you so much right now.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: Like, literally, my heart rate is like 250 beats a minute and I'm angry at you.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: But I mean you got me good.
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: And he was like I am so glad you're laughing.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: He's like I was so worried that this was going to be bad.
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: But you guys, we have to laugh.
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: We have to be able to have fun together.
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: We have to be able to not take ourselves so seriously.
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: We have to be able to laugh even when everything is falling apart, not just when things are funny.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: Like it's easier to laugh when things are just funny, but sometimes it's looking at each other when it feels like every single thing has gone wrong and just laugh about it and be like we've got two choices right.
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: We can use all of our energy to be anxious and to be tense, or we can laugh about it and be like, okay, we got this together.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: Like make a joke about it, move on right.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: When the kids are not cooperating and you can look at each other, you know and you can, there's funny stuff.
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: You can say that between the two of you, laughter and having fun is so important.
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: So that's lesson number 17.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: Lesson number 18 is age is attractive on your spouse.
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: I think we live in a society where every single thing that we do is focused on not aging or not looking your age or slowing it down.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: I don't want saggy skin.
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: I don't want gray hair.
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: I don't all of the things that we can do to make ourselves look better.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: Of course I want to do those things.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: I don't want saggy skin.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: I don't want gray hair.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: I don't.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: All of the things that we can do to make ourselves look better.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: Of course I want to do those things.
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: I'm not doing all of them and my husband has asked me not to.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: He doesn't want me to look 24 when I'm 50.
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: He's okay with me being my actual age and taking care of myself, but without having to create a different person than I am.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: And the more I watch my husband age, he has the most beautiful salt and pepper hair, he has some fine lines around his eyes, he looks distinguished, he is so handsome.
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: But more than anything, I think age is attractive on my spouse because I've lived a lot of years with him right, we have been together for 30 plus years now in a relationship, and so to watch him from a man child up to now, this distinguished, inching towards 50 year old man who has a lot of wisdom, who has a lot of experience, who has just a class that he carries himself with, there is something so attractive about age on your spouse and so just a reminder that look for those things in your spouse, and I think he's attractive physically, but also so many other ways.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: And I think we focus so much just on physical and for us women, as we age like we can be a beautiful human physically.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: But I promise you what will be most attractive on you is if you have a joyful spirit, if the way you interact with your family brings life, if when people walk through your door, you just have an era about you of I'm so glad you're here, welcome in.
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: This is a safe place.
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: And those are things that come with age, that come with learning priorities, that come with having overcome a lot of really hard things and recognizing what a bad day really looks like and what it doesn't.
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: And so just remember that we don't have to fight age, we don't have to be afraid about what we're going to look like at 50 and 60 and 70, that your spouse will be the most attractive person to you if you continue to work on your relationship and if you continue to have a heart that's full of joy.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: So number 18 is age is attractive on your spouse.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: Number 19 is to play fair and have the same rules, and this quote is one that I absolutely love.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: I think it holds so much power and it says we tend to judge others by their actions and ourself by our intentions, and I am so guilty of that so often in so many areas of my life.
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: Again, we tend to judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions.
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: And if we give ourself grace on things in life, then we should certainly give our spouse grace on things, and this can be simple things like maybe you have an agenda for the day and you had a handful of things you wanted to get done and your spouse decides to lay down and rest.
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: If there are times where you just have to check out from your to-do list all the time.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: I need to check out for my to-do list.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: I'm home alone a lot.
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: Or I've got kids here and I can say I'm going to go take 20 in my bedroom, I'm going to lay down quick, I'm going to have a power nap, I'm going to go take a walk, I'm going to pretend that this thing isn't here.
• 32:08
  Speaker 1: That needs to happen.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: There are a lot of times where I give myself grace in the things that I do and I would not give that same grace to my spouse on a lot of occasions and it's again because I judge myself on what my intentions are, not my actual actions.
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: But most of the time we judge our spouse on what their actions are, not what their intentions, or we don't look at their needs beyond.
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: We need you to do this, this, this and this, and we don't stop and say, but what do you really need?
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: Like what right now do you really need?
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: That might not line up with what I want, but might line up with what you need.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: It could be something as simple as a delayed response.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: Maybe you texted your spouse or you called your spouse and they didn't pick up or they sent back a one-word answer and you are so upset about that.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: I can get up in my feels about not getting a response back or not getting an answered call, but I know when I travel for work it is so hard for me to answer the phone or to get away from people for a handful of minutes.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: I don't travel for work that often but when I do I'm pretty checked out.
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: Besides, like that quick text at night.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: But for some reason when my husband travels maybe just because it's so much more frequent I expect like pick up the phone or send me a quick text or make it a personalized text, but yet I don't stop to think like, okay, it's really hard for me to do that when I'm traveling.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: Why would I expect that he would be able to be available whenever I need or I have a question?
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: And so, just checking that in our own spirits, am I playing fair?
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: Am I judging others by their actions and myself by my intentions?
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: That's number 19.
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: And then lesson number 20 is the tone of your words become the tone of your marriage.
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: And I'm just going to read four verses.
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: I know we talk a ton about the power of words on this podcast, but four verses specifically Proverbs 12, 18,.
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: Proverbs 10.19,.
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: Proverbs 18.18,.
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: The words of a whisper are like delicious morsels they go down into the inner parts of the body, parts of the body.
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: And then, lastly, proverbs 29, 20,.
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: Do you see a man who is hasty in his words?
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: There is more hope for a fool than for him.
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: And I think all four of those verse they talk about a rash word, they talk about a harsh word, they talk about the power of a whisper, they talk about many words means, many issues, and just the importance of the tone of our words becomes the tone of our marriage.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: And you can watch this in people around you, you can watch this in families, you can watch this in couples and where there is just kind of a cutting short, I don't have patience for you.
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: It's passive, aggressive, it's cutting, it's hurtful.
• 35:21
  Speaker 1: That is the tone of the marriage.
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: And then when you see marriages where it's patient and it's passive, aggressive, it's cutting, it's hurtful, that is the tone of the marriage.
• 35:24
  Speaker 1: And then when you see marriages where it's patient and it's kind and it's quiet and it's slow to speak and quick to listen, there is a tone that is totally different in that marriage.
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: And so the tone of your words is the tone of your marriage.
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: And the verse in the Bible that says out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks.
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: When we think about that, what is coming out of our mouth isn't just words, it's not just random.
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: The tone of our words is an outpour of our heart.
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: And so if my words are nasty and they're mean and they're cutting, there is a direct root attached to those words that goes down into the heart.
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: And when the heart is bitter, when the heart is angry, it's destruction on life.
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: And so the words are just a kind of a lens into what's happening in the heart.
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: And so if the tone of your marriage is not good, you need a heart redo, you need a deep dig down into your heart to say, like what's going on in my heart, that what's overflowing is not fruitful, it's not good, it's not breathing life.
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that every single person, every single marriage, isn't going to have a unkind word spoken on occasion or a tone that's not pleasing.
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: But when you are seeing a habit, the main tone of your voice, what's happening?
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: 95% of the time, that tone is the tone of your marriage.
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: And if you don't like where it's at, if you don't like the way it feels in your home, if you don't like the way you communicate with your spouse or how your spouse communicates with you, I encourage you to dig into the book of Proverbs and go read about the power of your words and how the tongue can be life or death, and maybe even start a column of the tongue.
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: When it is evil breeds this and the tongue, when it's used to talk about life, breeds these things.
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: There are so many times in the Proverbs where you can contrast how our words are used for life or death.
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: And when you just make that list and you start to look at it and you start to hold yourself accountable and you start to ask why is my heart bitter If my words are negative?
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: Why is my heart bitter and if I want better words to come out, what are things that I have to work on down deep in my heart, so that what overflows out of my heart gives life to my spouse and to my children?
• 37:51
  Speaker 1: Next week we'll be back with the last five, number 21 through 25, to complete this series.
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: But, friends, I'm so glad that you have been here with us.
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being here week after week.
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: Friends, I'm so glad that you have been here with us.
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being here week after week.
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: It's hard to believe that we are approaching episode 40 already, coming to the close of our first year here on A Heart that Beats for Home.
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: It does mean the world to me that you guys are here week after week and just to see how the podcast is reaching so many different people, different areas of the country, different parts of the world.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: Actually, I think the last one I saw was we've been in 38 different countries, so that is just super exciting to see.
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: But the real heart here is that marriages would be encouraged and strengthened, that families would just continue to cultivate a strong bond, and that the household would be a place that is a beacon of light for the world.
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: And so if you are loving being here, if you are taking stuff away from these podcasts whether it just be with the amazing guests that are here or just some of these things that we're talking about on marriage it would mean so much if you would just take a second and go rate and review the show Again.
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: That's how we get into the algorithm that helps others looking for podcasts about marriage and family to find us here at A Heart that Beats for Home.
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: So if you would be so kind to do that, it would mean the world to me.
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: Until next week, friends, take care.