Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #1: My Adult Child is Struggling: The 15 Signs of Failure to Launch that Every Parents Needs to Know

Transcript

#1: My Adult Child is Struggling: The 15 Signs of Failure to Launch that Every Parents Needs to Know · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: In this very first episode, I'm going to share all of the failure to launch signs that many young adults often display when they're struggling to become independent, responsible, even motivated.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps your adult child isn't quite there yet, but you're worried that they're heading in that direction.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you've been dealing with this for a while, so you know the issues, but you're here because you really want to help them move forward.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Well, before I dive in, I want to start by sharing a story with you.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: My first experience watching a young adult struggling with failure to launch is very personal to me.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was 15 years old and it was happening right in front of my eyes in my own home.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: It was my older brother, who was 18 years old at the time.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, although I was a typical teenager wrapped up in my own world, I could tell that my brother was struggling and clearly not making progress.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Certainly not in the same way as his close group of friends were.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone else seemed to be focusing on getting better grades and choosing which universities and colleges they were going to apply to.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, 18 years old is the age in every young adult's life when high school's coming to an end and next steps is a topic on everyone's mind, but not my brother.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: He was a hot mess.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: He hated school, his grades were terrible, he spent most of his time in his room, and to be honest, he was either stoned or drunk.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, my mother was dealing with her own health and marital problems to really hone in on his.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, they were glaringly obvious, and I was feeling so bad for him.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: He was stuck, I mean, stuck in the limbo of life, and worse, nothing was being done to help him along.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: My brother was a classic case of a young adult with undiagnosed ADHD, substance abuse, and deep insecurities that just halted him from moving forward.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: His self-worth was in the shitter, he was completely unmotivated, and I have no doubt that he felt very lost.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: So, since no one was going to talk to him about his future, which was nothing more than his plans for after high school, then I thought I should.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I must add in here that we were not close.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: We lived in the same house, but he was in his bubble and he was angry.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I could never talk to him without him biting my head off.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: But it was getting to that point in the school year that if he didn't make any plans, he wasn't going to be, well, I wasn't actually sure what was going to happen to him.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: It just bothered me to see him like that.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I began asking him, what do you want to do after high school?
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And he hated that.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, he hated me for bugging him about it.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: He would reply with a with a grunt or an F off.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: It was never pleasant.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, later on, I found out that my brother was failing his high school year and no one knew.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: This explained why he couldn't plan ahead.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: He wasn't going to graduate.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine what he must have been going through, carrying the weight of all of this on his own?
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I suppose that's why he eventually became more receptive to his little sister badgering him with this line of questioning.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: But it wasn't until I changed my approach that he finally gave me an answer.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: It was when I asked him, When was the last time you were really happy?
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that one simple question got him thinking.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: He replied with, When I was living overseas.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: So let's backtrack a bit.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: One summer, my brother had decided to travel abroad and do volunteer work in a communal living environment.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: It was a very unique lifestyle, nothing he had ever experienced in North America.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Over there, all income generated by the community goes into a common pool.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Your food and housing is completely paid for, and you're given a small allowance.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: So he would work every day from early morning to early afternoon because the sun was too hot to work outdoors after 2 p.m.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: His jobs were varied, but always physical, like driving a tractor or picking peaches.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now for a lazy, unmotivated stoner, this was a shock to his body.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: But he loved it.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: He made great friends, traveled around on the weekends, and simply fell in love with the lifestyle.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: So when I asked him when was he the happiest, and he replied with living there, I said, So go back.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: Mom will buy you a ticket.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: He doubted me.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: But I knew this to be true.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: I said, as long as it is something that you really want to do and would make you happy, she'll be happy to do it.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And she did.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: My brother lived there for quite some time.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: He fell in love, got married, had three children, but for reasons I don't recall, he returned back to North America, eventually found a job, and settled in.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: He's been working ever since, and I'm proud to say that he never stopped being a responsible, independent, loving, caring husband and father.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: My brother just needed someone to ask him the right questions.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: He needed someone to take the time to have him reflect on what made him happy, and then he needed someone to help him find his way.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I know firsthand that every young adult can embark upon their journey to independence and discover themselves.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: They just need communication, constructive guidance, and a concrete plan.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if this story makes you think, oh, that's not my kid, wait until I share all of the characteristics of failure to launch before you decide.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: You see, truth is every young adult who is living at home is a bit different, but they do share many common issues.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And by the time this episode is over, you'll know what those are and whether or not your adult child is struggling or heading that way.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: First and foremost, failure to launch syndrome is not an actual disorder by any medical standards.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a temporary stage in a young adult's life where they're struggling to transition or launch into independent adulthood.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Emphasis is on the word temporary.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: What failure to launch refers to is a young adult's unwillingness to assume and maintain any of the responsibilities that are typical of an adult, which ultimately and intentionally make it impossible for them to ever leave the nest.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: So without this adulting mentality and skill set, a young adult struggles to mature personally, financially, and socially.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, there are cultural variations where many feel that adult children can and should stay at home, where they can stay close to the family, take care of older family members, and participate in all of the home activities and responsibilities.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: But then they aren't failing to launch, are they?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: They are contributing to that family dynamic, which happens to take place under one shared roof.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: True failure to launch is when the young adult is not doing anything at all in the house that they're living in, but taking and taking and taking, never participating and never contributing.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, which culture condones that?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy to hear from anyone who tells me that it's okay for their adult child to remain a child.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll ask you this what will happen to them when you are gone?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: So without further ado, let's go through the checklist of signs of a young adult who is struggling to become independent and move forward.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: And don't worry about trying to remember them all.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in my show notes, and if you click on it after this, I'll send you the PDF for free.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what you should look for: lack of employment or a continuous pattern of job and stability, lack of ambition or the inability to make future plans, lack of interest in pursuing an education or learning any new skill, lack of commitment.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: They're either always quitting or sabotaging whatever they've started.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: They have a lack of interest, purpose, or passion for almost anything.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: They lack motivation and initiative.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's as if you have to keep pushing them to move forward because they just don't seem to care enough to do it for themselves.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: They avoid all responsibilities, dodging almost anything that is asked of them.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: They have poor self-care, which means they have no regard for their physical or mental health, and they have a slew of unhealthy habits.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: They are financially dependent on you or other family members.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: They struggle with basic life skills like cooking, cleaning, even making an appointment is difficult.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: They are emotionally dependent on you or others, and I'm referring here to areas like decision making or problem solving.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: They are obsessed, use that word lightly, with online gaming and scrolling on social media.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: They have very limited or almost non-existent social connections outside of the home.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: They resist change and are often very reluctant to step outside of that comfort zone.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And the last one, they exhibit mental or emotional instability.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is a bit of a touchier trait because if your adult is debilitatingly depressed or severely anxious, they do need professional help.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: If they are not, and they are just incredibly moody, where they have good days and bad days, well, that's because of their current situation and not so much of an imbalance.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Please be very, very aware of the difference.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Now there's one characteristic that I did not mention, and that is addiction.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Many young adults with failure to launch struggle with this.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: In the same way that if your adult child is consistently depressed and anxious, this too is something that is extremely difficult for a parent to manage on their own.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Your adult child requires professional help.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: As someone who has experienced this firsthand, the dependency on alcohol or drug abuse will always be an impediment to their life and will prevent them from moving forward until they get professional help.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't assume that they can manage this on their own or that you can.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I've shared all of the signs of a young adult who is failing to launch into adulthood, but I think it's just as important to talk about all of the things that it is not.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: But first, a little backstory.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: In 2022, I shared a video on social media that talked about failure to launch.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_00: The video has over a half a million views.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: However, it was not well received by everyone because some parents felt that I was saying you should launch your adult child out of the house and that I wasn't being sensitive to the economy, and that was the reason why their adult children were moving out.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: But had they watched the video until the end, they would have discovered that's not at all what I was saying.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: So let me set the record straight in this episode and clarify for you what failure to launch is not.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: If your young adult is living at home but working, studying, participating in household activities, even caring for a family member, they are not failing to launch into adulthood.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: If they are self-sufficient, responsible, and managing their own life, but simply can't afford to move out due to the high cost of living, not only are they not failing to launch, but they shouldn't be forced or expected to leave the house.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, they should be saving their money for when they are able to live on their own, or in some cases, perhaps, contribute to the household finances now.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: I also want to mention that there are adults of all ages who are simply not capable of living without assistance.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Many people with physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, neurological, and neurodevelopmental disorders require the aid of their parents or other social services.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: So please do not think that I'm saying that these individuals are failing to launch.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: I would say, in fact, that many try even harder than those young adults that I'm referring to here.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: So again, if you are interested in seeing that checklist, it's available for free.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Just go to the show notes, click on the link, and it will be sent to you.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you got something out of this episode.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if so, please hit the subscribe button.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's a ton of helpful information that'll be coming to you that will give you so much insight and actionable steps that you can take to guide your adult child.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: Please feel free to comment, give it a five-star rating, and hopefully share it if you know of someone who can benefit from listening.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: I am truly passionate about helping parents with their adult children, whether they are struggling right now or heading in that direction.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: I know that many young adults really do want to feel that sense of independence, and that if we could just help them overcome their fears, find their way, teach them a few things, that in a relatively short period of time, they will become an active and engaged member in society and not just a bystander of their own life.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.