Latest / Don Talk - Conversations with Mike Turner / Why Some Men Struggle to Love | Love Languages vs. Survival Languages
Transcript
- Don Talk: Welcome everybody to another episode of Don Talk. We excited this week to talk about love languages versus survival languages. Obviously I got my normal co-host on here, Mr. Don Doran over here making it happen. Mr. Anderson: I did not know I was a co-host. I appreciate that. I never, you know, I was never given a title or anything. You know what saying? I was just like, hey, I'm okay with, you know, just being here, man. I appreciate you, you know, having me on here, the time that you do. So thank you, man. Like I did for real. It would never like a contract sign or anything like that, but. Don Talk: You This is a handshake deal people. We just trying to do stuff and make it happen. And obviously we have Malika Brown, a sister that we grew up with here on the podcast. How you doing Malika? Dr. Malaika: good little bro, little brothers actually, you know, yeah. But I'm happy to be here, so thank you. Mr. Anderson: Yes, absolutely, absolutely. Don Talk: Little bro, little bro, yeah. So we... ⁓ yeah, yeah, so we talked about how Doran and I grew up together five minutes apart. And in that church circle, Malika was always there with us, staying at the house, making sure we were staying out of trouble, but she didn't do a good job of that. ⁓ Mr. Anderson: No, she didn't. Dr. Malaika: I did not, I did not. I was in the shenanigans as well. Mr. Anderson: ⁓ man. Don Talk: may pop up later, but let's start off with the guest. Malika, how are you doing today? We want honest reactions of how you're doing, what's going on in your life. Dr. Malaika: Yeah, it may. See, now you're talking my stuff. That's what I do on my podcast and to my clients. I'm actually tired, mainly because I had to travel today and was up late packing to the wee hours of the morning. So I didn't get enough rest, two hours of sleep, not enough. But outside of being tired, I'm in a good space. Don Talk: What does a good space mean to you? Dr. Malaika: There's nothing really major I can complain about. Like if I wanted to, I could. Gas is high, but I have money to put gas in my car. So, you know, I'm grateful for that. Like I can go to the pump and there's money in the bank that I can put gas in my car. So although I hate it, it's annoying. I'm blessed to be able to do it. So I think it's a good space where I have perspective. Things are not the best in the world in general, but I have all my basic needs and wants. So that's a good space for me. Mr. Anderson: Right, right. Yeah. Don Talk: ⁓ Awesome, awesome. there was it in California, what's the gas prices? Dr. Malaika: $6.40 for regular. Mr. Anderson: ⁓ That's regular and you seem like a premium type woman to me Don Talk: Good lord, that's regular. Dr. Malaika: That's for regular. No, see, I traded in my premium car because of the gas prices and then the gas prices went up. So now I'm paying what I was paying before when I had the premium car. So what's the purpose? Don Talk: Hahaha Mr. Anderson: Okay. What is? What is? Right. Oh man. Yeah, we're... Man, you know what? I am... Don Talk: Gotcha, how you doing today, Deron? Mr. Anderson: Ooh, balanced, as I can say, I'm balanced. I'm not really, really good, but I'm not really, really bad either. And I only say that because I recently put some things into some investments, right? And when you start investing, you hope it works. And I just did that, I wrote a really big check. the other day and I'm just hoping that it'll pay off. So that's kind of running through my mind, you know, right now, hopefully I make the right decisions, you know, stuff like that, because now it's not only me, right? I have a whole family to consider. Luckily, I have a wife who's definitely ⁓ supportive and, you know, always had my back. So that's what makes things so much easier when you have somebody to support you, you know, everything. Don Talk: So how long does it take to check to clear because I haven't seen it hit my account yet Dr. Malaika: I was gonna say, bank ain't told me nothing. Mr. Anderson: When I wrote that check, was like, oh my, put a comma and I was like, oh. Don Talk: Right. Mr. Anderson: Then I gave it to the individual and I told him, you know, just. So we're just hoping for the best. And I know it's gonna work out because just my track record and my faith in God, that's one thing never wavers. Maybe going to church wavers at times, but my faith in God has never ever wavered. And I know it's gonna turn out okay. It's just that beginning stages of, the beginning stages of investments, well, this particular investment. Don Talk: The the deal, well. Mr. Anderson: What about you, man? How you doing, Mike? Nobody ever asked about you, man. Don Talk: You know, I don't know. I feel like that at times. Outside of this podcast, nobody truly feels it be a necessary to ask, how am I doing? I was told today that I have to start putting myself first. People that know me tell me, like, have constantly told me that I gotta not... Dr. Malaika: Bye. Mr. Anderson: Yeah Don Talk: not so much not care about other people, like care more about myself because I give so much and they see me not pouring into myself. And I was reminded of that today that I need to make decisions for myself. ⁓ know, my, ⁓ things I know I've brought up in the past, but I'm still like, like wrapping my brain around the fact that I've. talking and going through therapy that my, we come to an agreement that I've ⁓ had this performance acceptance mentality that I perform for acceptance. So I'm not really worried about myself, but I'm just doing what Daron, what I think Daron feels he needs to hear to continue to accept me as a friend. And if I've been doing that for 30 years, now I'm like, okay, well, who is, what does Mike want? What does Mike want to do? Mr. Anderson: Mm-hmm. Don Talk: You combine that with being a single parent where like your focus is on your child. So I've spent this time where it's just like second nature to just perform for others. And now doing this work, I'm like, okay, what do I want? And my friend reminded me today that Michael, you got to pour into yourself, put you first, make decisions for you. I'll have to say that today's been a great day. Cause I feel like I got a lot accomplished. today and made some crucial connections that may benefit myself in the foreseeable future here with things that I want to do, know, I want, I'm passionate about. So happy about that and excited about the possibilities that can unfold. But then also my mind is also thinking about the constant work that I have to do. to get myself in the place that I want to be in. I'm 48 years old, about to turn 49. I have a tendency to look at the negative so much about I'm not where I want to be as a 49 year old, blah, blah, blah, this stuff. But then I've lived a great life that people would die to have. And I've accomplished a lot. So need to rest in more in the positives, which I'm working on. But today was a good day. And tomorrow is going to be a great day also. Dr. Malaika: Can ask you a question? What is it that you're supposed to have accomplished by 49? Like, where's that written out that says by 49, you're supposed to do this? Don Talk: ⁓ I'm good. Yes, ma'am. That is... It's not written out. I think I've tried to set my higher standards for myself that I just didn't live up to. Like, you know, society says you're supposed to have a house with a white picket fence. And I'm not a house person. Like, I don't believe that it's in my best interest to put 40 % or 20 % down on a million dollar house. and pay it off in 30 years when you can find a nice rental and have a lot more money to do more things. That's just my personal opinion. But I feel like I should be further along financially with savings, with retirement than I should be. And I'm not where I want to be. But as you said earlier, I've never gone without. So I'm not struggling. I just... Mr. Anderson: Now, do we, why does it always go back to that man? Right? She just asks you where you're supposed to be. And we, as far as you and me, even, I've done it too. We go straight to our work and our money and our savings and our, what about relationships? What about friends, like other friendships? What about, you know, your self care? What, you know, there's so much to us. Don Talk: I I expected more. Mr. Anderson: And it kind of, when you said, when you started talking about the money again, because we did that in the previous episode, Automatically it goes back to our careers, man. We are so much more than that. Dr. Malaika: But you are socialized, I can speak for this country because it's the country I'm from. You guys are socialized as men by what you produce. So women are socialized differently. You are socialized by what you can produce. So you wanted to perform. Some of it is just a byproduct of how society has said in order for you to have value, you need to do this. And you're learning that your value is inherent. It's not by what you produce. Mr. Anderson: Absolutely. Dr. Malaika: You could not produce anything and you still have value. Mr. Anderson: Mm-hmm. Don Talk: And I think that's what I'm struggling to learn is what is my value outside of production of whatever. ⁓ And that's a hard to operate in a certain lane for so long to receive that praise from a title bump, from a raise, from a new job. and chasing after that and your job being how you classify your success and now reframing it to like, okay, that is not all that I am. But then you have, it's a small portion, but then you have, come across people to where if you don't produce X, Y, and Z, then you're not worthy of their acceptance. And that's what I'm getting. Mr. Anderson: me. Dr. Malaika: That's a small portion. Mr. Anderson: I'll see you tomorrow, Peace, right? Exactly. But we're at that time now, right? You know, as we live ⁓ our lives. Dr. Malaika: and they're not worthy of you. Kick rocks. Don Talk: Yeah. you Mr. Anderson: we start to see, we start to realize what's important. Like if you look at some of the individuals, like, you know, our parents or our grandparents, things like that, or people older than we are, they start to say things like, man, I don't care anymore. I'm gonna do what I wanna do. Like, it's almost like they finally understand, oh yeah, that's been me since I was 17. Dr. Malaika: That's to me. Yeah. It clicks for me around 35. I was like, yeah, I'm do what I'm going do. Mr. Anderson: Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. And I mean, it's 49. Don Talk: that's gonna click for me at the age of 49. Dr. Malaika: No, you're gonna get it. Don Talk: That's a 49. I'm about to turn 49 in a week. Mr. Anderson: That's right. I forget the birthdays, man. Happy birthday in case I forget it. Don Talk: You will, but thank you, I appreciate it. Mr. Anderson: You know I got you man. you call, can you, hey look, look, can you text me and say hey, Doron is my birthday? And I'm like, ⁓ man, hey, happy birthday. So you know, you know my baby brother, know where he is, right? know, it's a funny story. You know where my baby brother is, right? So I told him, cause we can't call him to tell him happy birthday. So I suggested. Dr. Malaika: I won't forget it. I will say happy birthday on the actual day. Mr. Anderson: you call everybody else and let them know that it's your birthday. Just so they can say happy birthday to you. Don Talk: That's not me. I'm not. Yeah, completely different situation. Yes. Dr. Malaika: It's a different situation. It's not the same. Mr. Anderson: I know. I'm gonna put right now, I'm putting your birthday in my phone. I know it's April because it's the same month as my wife. My wife just celebrated her birthday ⁓ April 11th. So yours is, I'm doing it right now. Don Talk: Yeah. Dr. Malaika: put it in his contact in your phone. I have everybody's birthday in their contacts, so it's on my calendar. It pops up today as such as such as birthday. Mr. Anderson: So April, was it April? Tell me, 24. Oh, that's a good birthday. Don Talk: 21st. Dr. Malaika: He already, he already going the wrong direction. What is it? April what? Mr. Anderson: But 19... Don Talk: It's all good Look regardless if you cannot remember Regardless, I will not hold you to the expectation of remember my birthday for me to continue to love you. I appreciate you Dr. Malaika: Ha Mr. Anderson: Man, I appreciate that, man. And I do. do. You know, missing birthdays has got me into a lot of trouble over the years. I swear, it has. But I'll be okay. Dr. Malaika: But I say flip it though, because he forgets doesn't mean he doesn't love you. I think that's the most important part. We think that what people don't do for us is an indication of how they feel about us. And oftentimes it's not that. Mr. Anderson: Absolutely. Don Talk: Alright, so here we go. We're gonna get started on this topic. Okay, before we get there, I feel like I'm the only one sipping on an adult beverage today. I am doing some Tera Noble and Yeho tequila. So, what are you? You're drinking on some Starbucks? Dr. Malaika: Actually, this is from the hotel coffee shop. Let's try. Yeah, I'm anti-Starbucks. Don Talk: I don't blame you, a lot of people are going down that road. Dr. Malaika: I've been boycotting a lot of folks. Don Talk: God. Mr. Anderson: I just had my Starbucks this morning, but that's because it was a gift card and I had to use it Right, but I'm sipping on some nice ⁓ filtered refrigerator water It's nice and cold and it's delicious And it you know you press it in the water cup animation jacket you wait so I don't drink Don Talk: Hey, gotta use gift cards, gotta use those. Let's do it. ha ha ha Dr. Malaika: It's the refrigerator water. Don Talk: In a mason jar. Dr. Malaika: It's filtered. The jar makes it fancy. Mr. Anderson: Well, I don't drink out of cups. I hate drinking out of cups. It's just like, as you take a sip from a cup. But I get what you're saying though. You know, I have to kind of throw it out. Don Talk: Yeah. Dr. Malaika: Later. Don Talk: All right, so we'll get started in this party here. Love languages versus survival languages. Some of us learn to love through survival and not softness. So just a couple key notes that we're gonna try to get this conversation started. Everybody talks about love languages, but nobody talks about what happens when a man never learned to love. They only was taught how to survive. Mr. Anderson: Okay. Don Talk: So some of us didn't grow up learning or some of us didn't grow up hearing, love you. We grew up hearing, figure it out. So I wanna say this to clear the air. We're probably gonna talk about our parents and by no means are we here to bash our parents and how they raised us. And recent conversations with my father, he expressed that he did the best that he could with the knowledge that he had growing up in Jim Crow, South Mississippi, having kids, experience, his youth experiences to now being an adult trying to raise kids. That's the knowledge that he had to raise us. So he was doing the best that he knew how to do to raise the five of us. And as a parent myself now, like I know that I've made mistakes and want to do better as I look back, but I did the best that I knew how at that time with what I had. So we're to talk about these things, ⁓ how we visually saw things and love or lack thereof growing up, but it's not to demean or talk about our parents in any way, shape or form, but just talk about the experiences and how that shaped us into today. So. We talk about now love languages. ⁓ Everybody knows, I assume everybody knows the five love languages by ⁓ Gary Chapman. Words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, quality of time, and gifts. Do y'all know what your love language is and where you fall at? And do you know what your partner's love language is? Dr. Malaika: Yes, minor acts of service. You can see it in everything I pretty much do. ⁓ My professional work is acts of service. My work in church is acts of service. If you're important to me, I'm giving you, like I'm doing something for you to make things better for you. So that's very much my love language. My husband's love language is physical touch. yet. I do also like quality time, so quality time would be number two for me. Mr. Anderson: Yeah, I would say my love language, I know my wife, were just talking about this several days ago, her love language is affirmations, like positive affirmations. You know, just, I could have sworn it was gifts, right? Because I find myself getting gifts. I get really good gifts, but you know, she corrected me, right? And which I love. Don Talk: you. Mr. Anderson: I love it because this makes me a better husband. I mean real talk. But she could correct me as she said his positive affirmations. And as far as my love language, it is quality time. ⁓ You don't you don't have that all the time. I gotta share my wife with the world right. And only get that little space at the end of the day, little space before we go to sleep. I love it. Don Talk: Yeah, think mine's I'm like three that are kind of like equally yoked if you want to say words of affirmation physical touch and quality time So that's kind of where I stand I don't have a significant other at this point in time so I can't tell you what they would have but those are those are mine and I've Mr. Anderson: Do you know what they were? For your last partner? Okay. ⁓ Dr. Malaika: Good question. Don Talk: Yeah, acts of service for sure. ⁓ And that's a good segue to even ask the question. How difficult, and we'll start with you, Doron, how difficult is it if your acts of services don't align with your partner's acts of service? Or is it difficult for you to show her love in her... love languages when yours are different. Mr. Anderson: Absolutely. Yes. You know, and that's what the relationship is, man. Right. We're constantly learning each other and we're constantly trying to do better for one another. So I don't expect whatever I do my, you know, I don't expect me to be perfect, a perfect love language giver. I guess you could call that. I don't, I don't expect that. And I don't think she does. ⁓ I don't think she does either. Don Talk: Mm-hmm. Mr. Anderson: It's difficult, it is frustrating because you think you're doing it and you think you're doing a good job and their response that they give you is not what you expected, which makes the whole situation a little bit more tense. Don Talk: Now how does that translate for you, Mika, with your access services and what your husband had? Dr. Malaika: ⁓ In the beginning, it was a misalignment because the languages sound like they don't go together, but eventually the longer you're with your partner, I think you begin to know each other and you find that you level out and become more like each other than you think. So there's like an alignment. I do like cuddling and all that kind of stuff where I'm not a hugger like that. Like if I hug you, it's cause I really love you like that. Mr. Anderson: Mm-hmm. Dr. Malaika: Or you're a little kid, I hug little kids. But I find myself leaning into that with him because I know that that's something that is unspoken that speaks to him, especially when he's in those moments where he doesn't need words. And I can also see that he understands I'm an acts of service person because he'll do little stuff like taking my car to put gas in it so I don't have to do it. Or he's on his way home, hey, don't cook anything, I'll grab some food. Like that stuff to me is... Don Talk: you Dr. Malaika: what I need to hear or what I need to have. And so I think that we align better now that we've been together as long as we've been together. It's 23 years this month, 23. Yeah. Don Talk: I mean, it's... Okay, so let's back up because I forgot to, you know, we introduce you as our sister, which you are, ⁓ but like, who are you now? What are you doing? Tell us about yourself. Mr. Anderson: Nice, I was just about to ask that. Wow, 23 years. Dr. Malaika: I do a lot actually. Professionally, I am a professor of psychology. And so I teach undergraduates a variety of psychology courses. I'm also a clinical psychologist. I have my own practice. I, along with some of my other fellow PKs, we created a social justice organization within the PAW, which is the church organization we grew up in, which I'm very passionate about community. And it was a blank space that I felt like we were long. behind the curve when it came to answering that call. So that is like the three headed monster of what takes up most of my day. Outside of that, I'm a podcaster. So I have a podcast that deals with culturally rooted wellness and looking at the fact that African, the African diaspora already has things that were geared towards wellness that we didn't realize was there. So really tapping into that and sharing. the messages and the imagery and the rituals as a way to be whole. ⁓ I am a officer in my sorority at the local level as well as the regional level. So I'm doing a lot of stuff. I'm at conference right now preparing for us to go into our conference week. Mr. Anderson: Wow. Don Talk: doing it all. I know you're busy, so thank you very much for taking the time to sit with little ol' Mr. Anderson: Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Dr. Malaika: My pleasure. ⁓ please. Y'all family. Don Talk: All right, so here's a question. like, let's, I'm gonna an example. Let's say, and I want from the psychology of how this affects a man, Malika, and then what is going on in a woman's brain when this happens, if you could elaborate on that. So let's say there's a person that has, that is a woman, that their love language is... acts of service and her partner knows this. So you try to act on that, but then now I think the problem that a lot of men see and experience nowadays, women think that we're afraid to be caught up in their title and their success, which we could care less about. ⁓ We still want to treat you. wine and dine you, but there are not limits. So if you're an access service person, but you're like this super independent, I'm like, I could do it myself and you try to do access services, but you can't. But then as a man, I will go give you two or three attempts and then I'm done. I'm not gonna try it again. So does that just... eliminate you even trying to build something with that individual or do you... how can you show them love if they're unwilling to accept what you're trying to give? And it could go both ways too. It could be like the same way that this individual is trying to perform in your act, your love languages and you don't accept it. Dr. Malaika: I would say part of it is an understanding of what's being communicated. So depending on how long you've been with the person will make ⁓ a difference in how well you know who they are as an individual and what their intent is. I think a lot of times women operate off of what we think is happening or what we think the messaging is, and it may not be accurate. And oftentimes both ways, we don't ask questions to clarify. So we think it's this, but we never bother to ask, is it really this? This is what I'm seeing and what I'm hearing or what I'm perceiving. Is this what you mean? And so I think that part of it is more just a lack of effective communication than it is about a mismatch of love languages, because you can have the mismatch and still make adjustments if that person communicates, you communicate, you're listening and hearing what they're saying, and then you're making adjustments based on what you can do. Mr. Anderson: you Yes. Dr. Malaika: Right? ⁓ I think for women, because we are socialized to lead with all of our emotions, we're going to give you big emotions a lot of times where men are socialized to only show certain emotions. You can be angry. You can be happy within reason. Right? They don't give you the freedom to want to cry and do all the other things. Like there's other emotions that you also have. And I think that that's probably the... the thing that you're seeing with a woman. She's seeing that he's not giving me what I want, even though I've told him what it is, instead of seeing that effort's being made and possibly giving him the space to ask clarifying questions so he can perfect better what it is that he needs to provide to her. Mr. Anderson: So. Don Talk: think that clarifying question comment is key because we're taught so much as men, I don't know, I can't speak for women, we're taught so much on how to lead at work. And these are communication skills you have to have in order to be a great supervisor, a great leader. And all of it is communication based that 100 % can be carried over into personal relationships. And we're never really taught and shown that. But the same things that you're being taught to be successful at work will 100 % make your relationship successful. Dr. Malaika: Mm-hmm. Mr. Anderson: All while she was talking, I thought about, cause you know, while you were asking that question, it sounded similar to, ⁓ it important to love someone they need or how they naturally do it? Don Talk: Okay. Mr. Anderson: Right, so. Dr. Malaika: And where's the compromise? There's gotta be compromise. You can't get 100 % of what you want all the time. Mr. Anderson: Well, I think it's your job to love yourself the way you need it. That may be... Don Talk: And I'll be honest, that's what I'm working on myself. I've come to the acceptance, not even realization, because it's been brought to my attention or asked multiple times, do I love myself? And I was like, yeah, I love myself. But I've come to the realization that I don't love myself enough by putting myself... Mr. Anderson: Mm-hmm. Dr. Malaika: Mm-hmm. Hmm. Don Talk: first in order, you know, put myself in position to be strong enough, wise enough, healthy enough to continue to do what I love, which is helping people. So I help, help, help without putting me first in order to have enough energy and power, knowledge, wisdom to help others. So I'm drained, depleted, trying to help when I have, yeah. Yeah, I realize that. Dr. Malaika: But that's backwards. You know that right, brother. You have to fill your tank up so that you can help others. If your tank is empty, you can't help anybody. Mr. Anderson: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Don Talk: And I'm realizing that now. it's like, and I'm the one that sat there and preached this to everybody. I would be like, you know, ⁓ Christ said to love your neighbor as yourself, but like you can't. Dr. Malaika: The self comes first. Don Talk: Exactly. And I was like, you can't really love another until you love yourself properly. So how you can only love another at the level of what you're loving yourself. So if I'm only giving myself 25%, I'm only going to give my partner 25%. And I've realized that, and that's what, I guess that's why I've had failed relationships to this point, because I've been performing. Dr. Malaika: Yes. Mr. Anderson: performing. Dr. Malaika: And it's not just you. The relationship just fell because of you. Someone else contributed. Mr. Anderson: Right. No, exactly. Don Talk: Yeah, I accept that, but I'm not here. This is the other thing that my therapist told me. No, no, no, I'm telling you, I've learned so much in the past four months alone. Like just straight up. My therapist said, I, for some strange reason, I do not like to villainize people. Mr. Anderson: See, he keeps saying that, he keeps on saying that. Don Talk: So anytime that we're talking about stuff and I'm taking all the blame, and he's like, no, dude, like, it's not always just you. But I'm not here to trash talk or down anyone in that. Dr. Malaika: It's not. That's not what it is. It's accountability on both sides. Like, both of you contributed something to the equation. If it works out, you both contributed. If it doesn't, you both contributed. That's all. No villains. Mr. Anderson: And it's your experience, man. You don't have to cover that up. I mean, I'm not saying it's okay, because we don't do that. I don't even think we do that naturally, except if we're around people we trust. But we say it's basically right. We don't do that naturally, because that's just our character. You know what I mean? Dr. Malaika: Mm-hmm. Don Talk: Yeah. Dr. Malaika: Safe spaces. Don Talk: ⁓ yeah, we stay spaces. Mr. Anderson: But here's another question for you. And I was writing things down. Can someone really love you if they ignore your love language? Now, that goes back to the previous question. Is it more important to love someone how they need or how you naturally do it? Can your love language be... Let's say, for instance, I don't know how to give. positive affirmation. Let's say I don't know how to do it. Let's say every time I try, I try, try, it's just all wrong. And depending on relationships you're in, it could be all wrong, right? Dr. Malaika: would say effort though. No, that's actually a good question though. But here's what I will say. If you're only placing all your eggs in a basket of love languages and not the totality of who you are as a person, then it probably won't work out. I'm more than just a person that needs acts of service. I'm a person that loves sports. My husband knows that. I'm a person that loves hanging out with family. He knows that. He knows my friends are my family. Mr. Anderson: ⁓ you Dr. Malaika: He knows that my sorority sisters are my family. Like, he knows I love to travel. These are all components of who I am. You may not perfect all of those components, but at least put effort into trying. And he's gotten better at a lot. I'll give you an example. This is not even a love language example. I worry if you're out late and I haven't heard from you and you don't at least let me know, hey, I'm good. I got stuck over here. I'll be home around this time. And he would not call me and it would cause arguments because I'd be like, look, I just need to know you're not dead on the side of the road. I know that was extreme, but that was important to me. And so he got better at it. Like now he checks in, okay, clearly our phones, now we got each other's locations. So this was pre that. Now I can just look and see where he is. But he got really good at checking in and be like, hey, I'm over at my cousin's house, we hanging out. We're gonna probably be here for a while. I'm gonna be out late. And I'd be like, Mr. Anderson: Yeah. ⁓ Dr. Malaika: Okay, I'm going to bed, right? He put effort into knowing that that mattered to me. And so you don't always get it right, but the effort does matter. And you have to love the totality, not just the love language, it's because it's trendy. Mr. Anderson: And that took 23 years. I mean, it sounds funny, but it takes that long. I'm in the game 16, going on 17 in August. I'm right. We're constantly evolving. We're constantly growing and trying to become better individuals, better partners. And you're to get a whole bunch of stuff wrong, Whole bunch of stuff. Dr. Malaika: Yeah. Yeah, so you understand. And part of it too was me letting go of the stuff that I made important that really was not. I stopped harping on it so much and eased up on it, which made it a lot easier for him to lean into it. So sometimes your things that you think are important may not actually be important in the grand scheme of things. Don Talk: And that's a good segue to talking about survival languages. Are we living and operating off the survival framework that we grew up in? So survival languages can be known as emotional shutdown, providing instead of connecting, ⁓ avoidance of vulnerability, control, and dominance. silence ⁓ as protection, which I probably operated in every single one of those at some point in time. ⁓ So with the love languages and survival languages, like knowing both, where did you, I guess, what did love look like in your household growing up? Dr. Malaika: would say for me, ⁓ love was not always verbalized. So it was not always the words, I love you. It was the acts, the care, the presence, like showing up. My father was not one, not that I never heard him say I love you, but he wasn't one to say it all the time. He wasn't warm and fuzzy when it came to his emotions, but he was very compassionate and caring. So. Mr. Anderson: Mm-mm. Dr. Malaika: him always being present for me and my siblings, no matter what it was that we were doing, his presence, like sacrificing his time with how busy he was, was the way that he showed us love. So I had to make an adjustment because I sought out people similar to that, because that's the blueprint for me. A person that works hard, a person that's present, that shows up, they may not necessarily say, love you. And I realized that I did need to hear. those words and I had to do some work and some self exploration on how to accept my father for who he was, but flawed, right? He was a product of the environment he came from. My grandmother was not warm. Yeah, I met Zola. She was not warm and fuzzy like that. So he couldn't be more than what he saw until he got something different as a model. And I think that that shaped Mr. Anderson: Absolutely right. Don Talk: You Mr. Anderson: Mm-hmm. Dr. Malaika: how I show up for people. think my acts of service are very much a reflection of how my father showed up in the world because he showed up for everybody, causes, community, his family. He was present. I do the same thing. And I think some of that definitely was shaped from my childhood. Mr. Anderson: Hmm. Yeah, I would say as far as loving my house, my dad didn't tell me he loved me until I was like 17 years old. I remember I was at the gas station. I was at LAX airport. I was on my way to college and he was like, I love you. was like, right, I just got knocked upside the head. if he said it. Don Talk: Who was who? Mr. Anderson: I've never heard him say, it ⁓ kinda, and it stuck with me, right? And I knew, you know, as you get older, you know, know your parents love you, right? But as a kid, you, I mean, you need to hear it, right? ⁓ You just need to hear it, man. And now today, I find myself protecting love, right? And honestly, I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but because a lot of the love that I experienced was snatched from me. Dr. Malaika: Mmm. Mr. Anderson: You know, so anytime someone approached my family, I don't care if it's my family or my wife's family, right? I am very protective of that, you know? And I don't, I'm sure, I didn't really do any type of research or nothing about it. I just thought of it, I just thought about it like right now at this moment, how much I protect that love. Because so many people, I feel is out. They're out to, not on purpose, but you know, they're out to snatch it. You know, and like I said before, I didn't realize until later on in marriage that I have to share my wife. I mean, you... You know they have friends and they have family. I get that. But once you're married, you think it's gonna just be you guys, but it's not. It's not. We're just sharing our lives with each other. She still has her own life and I still have my own life, but we're just kinda walking it together in the same house. Dr. Malaika: And the hope is that you guys are moving at the same speed and direction. Sometimes it's, you know what I mean? Or it's, you go a different direction. Mr. Anderson: Right. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Absolutely. That way up, down. There are times where you know, I watch Blackists a lot, right? But there is a moment where they went through this gray stage. The whole few episodes was just gray, right? They were not in their zone. Dr. Malaika: Yes. Mr. Anderson: And that happens in relationships, right? We tend to kind of go like this. Almost like a rubber band you go you keep stressing you keep stressing and it's either gonna pop Yeah, right, right, right. So it's either it's either gonna pop and that's when people kind of you know Go through their thing or separation or whatever that they're going through or is this gonna come back and it's gonna come back hard Right because you guys been so far apart for so long. It doesn't come back slow. It doesn't do this. It's It comes back like really hard Dr. Malaika: and then comes back. Yeah, it's gonna come back. No, I agree. Every long relationship is going to have that because ours had it. It was when he was the caregiver for his mother for like three years. So he was not present in the house a lot because he would have to be over there where she was. And sometimes he would have to spend the night. During that time is when I started in the sorority. So it's like, now I got something else that's pulling me and my time a different direction. And then she passes and now he's back at the house and he's like, hey, Mr. Anderson: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Dr. Malaika: Let's just go back. I'm like, but now I got all these things that I've invested my time in. we had to, ours was like, we were part and then it just kind of just magically things just started aligning. I started trying to include him in some of the stuff I was doing. He started including me in new things that he was doing and it allowed us to come back together. But we had a, we definitely had a gray space. It wasn't any animosity. The love was still there. It just, it was just blah. Because we were in the... Mr. Anderson: I'm back, yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right. Yes. Dr. Malaika: We were in doing what had to be done in that moment. And I can't get mad at you caring for your parent. Like, I would have did the same thing. Mr. Anderson: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Don Talk: So in that situation, you brought up the fact that, and you said you hopefully, Duran and his wife were moving together at the same speed. Is that possible? Like, cause based off what you just said, you're, everybody got something going on. And because you're dealing with X, Y, and Z, that's blocking you from concentrating on your personal growth or partnership growth. Dr. Malaika: Mm-hmm. It's not, it's idealistic. Mr. Anderson: Mm-hmm. Dr. Malaika: Yeah, it's idealistic. Don Talk: Your partner may not have all those struggles and they could be operating and moving out of fact. Is that wrong? Dr. Malaika: No, because I moved like education wise, I moved through that process before he did. And he came up behind me, but our pace was different, but he still accomplished, you know, getting a graduate degree. So our pace was not the same, but the direction was the same. Now, if you go in different directions, I don't know what you can do with that. That's not gonna last. You hope that the pace is the same, but realistically, it's not gonna always be the same. Mr. Anderson: Right, yes. Don Talk: Okay. Mr. Anderson: Absolutely. Don Talk: All right, cool, ⁓ So I'll say this about my pops and my parents. ⁓ My father was the ultimate provider. Like he made sure we had everything that we needed, never went without. I guess that's where my mentality is. I'm never gonna go without, because that's what I learned that from my pops. ⁓ But that was his role. That's all he knew and understood how to do is take the responsibility of the provider. ⁓ And I'm not knocking that. My mom was the emotional support. So you have the, I think they balanced each other out perfectly. ⁓ My mom was emotional. I love you. You're going to do great. You know, the pouring into you. And my father was making sure that the household had the foundation and was ready to operate. Dr. Malaika: I did. Don Talk: Now did they, did I see love? I think they showed it in their own special way. Like my father loved us to death because he made sure that we had things we needed to be successful. My mom's way of doing that was speaking that into us. Two different ways, but the love was equal and still the same. So, and we'll get into how that... affected things later on. So now the next question is, in that viewpoint, did you, from what you grew up seeing, did you learn how to express love or did you learn how to survive? Mr. Anderson: Now or during? Don Talk: No, based off during that time, as you look back, was you taught how to love and express it or was you taught how to survive? and at what point did it switch to one or the other? Mr. Anderson: I wasn't even paying attention to be honest at the time, you know, but you know, if I tried to look back, for me, it was survival, right? You know, ⁓ getting through, right? Getting through because I already knew where I wanted to be. even back then. as long as I got to where I needed to go, it didn't really matter how I did it. I was ethical about it. I wouldn't throw that out there. Sometimes. Sometimes, right? Sometimes. Damn. Am I licensed or what? No, okay, I'm good. No, but. ⁓ Dr. Malaika: Maybe. Don Talk: We could delete this section. Dr. Malaika: Nah, nah, leave that in. Mr. Anderson: No, seriously, seriously, as I growing up, it was more of a survival thing for me. And we all know each other's parents, And we all know, especially my pops, he did it differently, right? Most people, they used to say, You know, your dad is as far as I, cause he's, he's been aggressive, right? You know, he has a, he has a, he's been a bit, yeah, he is. Not no more, right? He don't, he don't do it no more. He's like, I'm out here. But anyway, that's another one. But see, we all knew our parents when no one was watching, right? We knew the struggles that they were having. We knew, we knew. Don Talk: Pastor Anderson? What? Mr. Anderson: It was a point in time when we got to a certain age where we just said, man, my parents really do care. They really love me. They really putting in that work. Right. So once I seen that side of my dad, but that's not what that's willing to teenage years. Right. And once I seen that side of my dad, I kind of looked at, I looked at love differently. Right. Cause love, he taught me that love hurts. You know what that means, right? I'm doing this because I love you. Whoopin', we know whoopin' then. You know, I'm doing this because I love you. Or, you know, I have to, you know, be at work for an extra 10 hours because I love you. Right, so, yeah, it was a sacrifice and, I mean, it was a survival thing, but I think at that time, it was necessary. Dr. Malaika: Mm-hmm. Don Talk: Yeah. Dr. Malaika: think you said something, Doron, that's interesting about love hurting. Because again, we come from Black households, so whoopin's was what happened in Black households. It was standard, status quo. Mr. Anderson: standard Don Talk: Spare the raw, spoil the child. Dr. Malaika: Yeah, but I also think it extends beyond that, like how we discipline our kids. It often looks like how we deal with our partners or how we deal with our friends. If I love you, you know, at some point I'm going to hurt you. And so we also are willing to accept that and not speak up and say, something doesn't work for me. Well, they love me. So part of love is people hurt you. Well, it shouldn't have to be. Mr. Anderson: Right. Dr. Malaika: It should be that we can talk about it. can tell you that this didn't work for me and you make the adjustment because you don't want to hurt me. And I think that's also something that we were taught, not like directly, but indirectly. Mr. Anderson: God so loved the world that he gave, that he made his son die. So is pain necessary? Dr. Malaika: Mm-hmm. Pain, okay, I will say pain is necessary because that's how know growth is happening. That's how know progress is happening, right? I work out, so part of working out is I'm gonna be in pain afterwards. But I can also see the growth that's happening. So I know that this is a part of the process. But all pain's not good pain. Like all money's not good money, all pain's not good pain. So sometimes we need ⁓ to analyze, is this a pain that is showing growth? Mr. Anderson: For love, anyway. Okay. Okay. Dr. Malaika: Or is this just a person that just I should not be in relationship with? Don Talk: I think that's a good analogy for the workout standpoint too, because literally I don't think a lot of people realize in order for your muscles fibers to grow, you literally have to rip them apart. Like so as you're exercising, if depending on what you're trying to do, let's say stretching in order for you to elongate your muscles, stretching should be painful. In order to get the desired results of flexibility to reduce injuries, all that. Mr. Anderson: Absolutely. Don Talk: It should be painful. So that is a good thing to think about too. And when you're working out, you have to literally get your muscles to failure, to actually, to the point of depletion and deconstruction for them to grow stronger. So when you look at it from that standpoint in the relationship, I agree. And I hear that I'm just using this as my example for it to sink in. Dr. Malaika: Let me ask you this though, Michael. Isn't there a difference between the pain from working your muscles to failure and an injury? Those are different. And I think that in relationships, it's the pains can be different. There's pain that leads to growth and then there's pain that means something's wrong. Don Talk: Yes, it's two different things. Yes. Our coach used to say, are you injured or are hurt? Like what's the difference? One, one is going to allow you to go to the physical therapist or ⁓ go to the training room and get taken care of so you get right back. The other one is going to make you have to go and rest and get away from the environment that hurts you so you can heal. So that's a good point. I like that. Good, good one. Okay. So moving, moving on down the road. Dr. Thema Bryant said, we repeat what we do not repair. So it's something to think about as we move into this next phase is like, based off of what we saw, did we learn and grow from it? And that was the second part of that question is like, based on what we experienced, if we, we all from LA. it's like, in our day and age, it's survival. Like we all in essence made it out. We're still, you you're still there, but like statistically we made it out and we did something, which I don't know. Yeah. You look at three, you got to look at three black people that have born and raised in Los Angeles and, and we made it out and are doing very well for ourselves. So this is. Mr. Anderson: Say it, say it. Don Talk: clap it up for us on that one. I would definitely do that because we doing good. We doing good despite the statistics saying we wasn't supposed to. So based on we grew up thinking or seeing love as survival or just or having a survival mentality ⁓ what point did we get to ⁓ that, that's ⁓ shift. Like I need to shift that because that's not how love works. Do you know when that shift happened? Dr. Malaika: I say for me when I became a mother. ⁓ first child at 26. So not necessarily super young, but I think that was when the shift happened because I had daughters and I wanted them to feel that unconditional love in a very tangible way. And so I operated differently than the way my parents raised me. So I was more affirming in my language than what I got. And I think that they needed that because it set a foundation for them to know that they always are supported by us no matter the age. And now they're 26 and 25. So they still feel supported. They know they can come to us now. But I had to shift with them differently than what my parents did with me and my siblings. Mr. Anderson: I think for me it happened with my son, right? And this is my second child, right? At one point I tried to do what my dad did to me, right? One time, tried it one time. And he looked at me, he just looked at me. didn't, there was no emotion, no nothing. He looked at me as if he didn't know me. Like as if I was like a stranger. He wasn't scared, but it was like something new for him. I didn't really understand. And I said, I can't do it like that no more. Cause I looked at him and it was no reaction. And you know, when you're doing things with your child, you want some type of reaction, something, you know? ⁓ And from that point on, I started to love differently. from that point on. I him, my wife, my mother, everybody. Because I realized what I was doing, what my dad did to me, I started to do with my children. And I know my dad, he did his best. I'm not knocking. Our parents did the best that they could do, definitely. But I don't want to do it that way. You know what I mean? And ever since that moment, I decided to raise my kids in a way, I mean, I'm not perfect yet. I don't do it his way, by no means. I don't do this, man. Now people call it child protective services on you like that. I used to be one of those people. So I know the rules. But yeah, that's when my shift began, when my son was with my son. Dr. Malaika: Call the people. Don Talk: You Yeah, I don't think I changed that until literally probably three years ago, to be honest. ⁓ As a growing up in LA, as I say, the mean streets of Inglewood. Dr. Malaika: go, what? They were mean though. Don't get it twisted. Don Talk: I'll always say like, people that know me laugh at it because we stayed in the good side of Inglewood. But like, yeah, like every direction was, yeah, yeah, correct, yeah. So ⁓ you were surviving, you were taught to survive and make it out, right? So my father... Mr. Anderson: Yeah, but you still with the, did you go to Mordeside? You went to Mordeside, right? Right. You went to Mordeside, It's a live Mordeside. Dr. Malaika: You did. You actually did. That's the bad side. Don Talk: Jim Crow South, talk to survive and make it out and make sure if you have a family, you got to provide for them, make sure they understand what it is to survive as a black man, a black person in America in this day and age. So literally my daughter, I had this mentality of like, have to raise a strong woman that can take care of herself. If she meets somebody that can help out, great. But my goal is to make sure that she can take care of herself, that she can survive. So I was on that survival parenting mode for so long until she literally, probably like two or three years ago to where like she got to a place where like she can do it in my mind and I can sit back and relax because she's doing better than I was at 26, you know. Mr. Anderson: Yeah. Hmm. Don Talk: So, like, she's good. She's great. Now, I kind of have this look back on, did I love her correctly? Or did I teach her to survive herself? And those are things that, and me and Taylor have talked about these things. We've talked about things that I didn't do to her liking. ⁓ And we've had these discussions and we've grown from it. So yeah, it was probably three years ago for me where I made that switch to like, realized it was teaching her survival mechanics and techniques. Dr. Malaika: Can I drop something on you? I just thought about something where you're talking about surviving. And I talk about this on my podcast a lot. The fact that Black people have been forced into a structure of survival by design. When they brought us here, they wanted to keep us ⁓ off kilter and not comfortable because when you're like that, you're easier to control and manipulate and use for the purposes that they wanted to use us for. So it goes back even further than our parents. It goes back to our history in this country and how they designed a system that never allowed us to rest. You're older now and you're more accomplished and you're gaining things. So as you do that, you get that luxury to be able to settle, to be able to rest, to be able to have luxury time and all this different stuff. And I think that we... look at the parents as the model, because that's what we saw, but the system was designed to keep us in survival mode. They still want us there, if we're being honest. And so I would say celebrate the fact that you made the turn. Not how long ago it was, that it was only three years. The fact that you were able to get yourself out of that mindset and say, I'm going to thrive instead of survive, is a testament to the work that you're doing. Don Talk: ⁓ I accept that. I accept that. That's one things I was told to do better at, accepting the praise when it comes. I accept that. Thanks sis. Thanks sis. Dr. Malaika: You're welcome. Don Talk: ⁓ You know, as boys growing up, we were taught to don't cry, be strong, handle it, all that stuff. What is the equivalent, briefly, or what is that as a girl growing up? What's the equivalent to that? Dr. Malaika: be responsible. So we're taught to be nurturing and maternal, even at a young age. So ⁓ we're always worried about how other people, how they're feeling, how they're doing. ⁓ The dynamic in a family, if we have something happen and my father's there, it's not just my mother would make a plate for him, his daughters would make plates for him, right? That was part of the programming. And so oftentimes, we didn't realize we were subconsciously reducing ourselves to be subservient in some kind of ways. And I think that we overcorrected to be these independent peoples showing that I don't need a person in my life in order to do that. So I think that was the female equivalent is to always be there serving or nurturing or caring for others. Mr. Anderson: think that's just how the church did that to us, I mean, ⁓ don't get it twisted. Love God, love Jesus Christ, don't get it twisted. But the church did kind of make us, it helped molded us to the point where even now I felt like I had to start all over. Don Talk: it. Dr. Malaika: Yes. Mr. Anderson: you know what I mean? And learn everything all over again. But the stuff that was taught to us, honestly, it gave me a foundation, which I do appreciate, but it's hard to kind of get rid of the things that you're trying to get rid of. It's hard to kind of get rid of the certain things in you that you don't want to show. Dr. Malaika: Mm-mm. If I'm being honest though, the church, the society is patriarchal. So it's very much geared towards men being dominant. Mr. Anderson: Oh, now we know. Now we know. Well, I think with that one we've been new. Dr. Malaika: and No, y'all knew that. So it's a little chauvinistic, which is what I mean by we were reduced to being subservient. Like you're here to serve your man and others. And if men are present, they have their priority above what you need. And sometimes we take that into our relationship. Yes, the black culture is that way. Dad gets a big piece of chicken at dinner. Kids, you gotta let him pick what he's gonna pick. Like it's in the culture too. Mr. Anderson: Yeah, we did. Yeah. even outside of church. Mm. Dr. Malaika: Programs everywhere. Don Talk: So is it important to find someone that understands that culture or can anybody break beyond that? Because what I heard is girls were brought up to nurture. Boys were brought up to... Mr. Anderson: ... Don Talk: to fucking hold that in, don't cry, be a man, suck it up. Like, nah, that's like, I was trying to figure out how to say it. so those are two. Mr. Anderson: He was like, wait, what we brought up too? Dr. Malaika: Y'all are brought up to lead and to dominate. Like you're supposed to rule and be in charge and take charge. ⁓ Don Talk: Yeah. are those two conflicting ideologies that can mesh together in a successful relationship? Dr. Malaika: No, they're not conflicting because the design made it to where those things would work together. As long as he's leading and you're nurturing, that works together. It's when you start leading and he's also leading where you probably will start to see conflict. You have to have a partner that's secure. me being more educated than my husband, he has to be secure in that. Me being more visible as a person. Mr. Anderson: Yeah, yeah. Dr. Malaika: than my husband, he has to be secure in that. Not that I'm doing anything, I'm just walking in who I was designed to be the same as he's walking in who he's designed to be. If he wasn't secure in his identity and his self-worth, it wouldn't work. So I think it's about, do you know yourself? And Michael, you said this, you're really learning who you are, what you want out of life at this later stage. And I'd be honest with you, what you want now probably won't match what you wanted. Mr. Anderson: Yeah. Absolutely. Dr. Malaika: in your younger years. Me, I want simplicity. No chaos, no drama, relaxation. When I was younger, it was exciting. People got drama. I don't need to be in it, but I want to watch it. I don't even want to watch it anymore. I'm good. Mr. Anderson: Mm-hmm. Right. Don Talk: Ha Mr. Anderson: I like, mean, will, well, wife's, I always wanted a boss type woman. I always think that a smart man will get a boss woman. You know, doesn't make him less of one. It just actually makes him smarter. If you know what you're doing, right? But you're absolutely right. And we talked about this again in previous ⁓ podcasts. ⁓ My wife's PhD, right? Purdue doing her thing. and she's, she had her education going. I tried to get on that same road, but it wasn't for me. I mean, I still have my education, but not the way she does. And it took me a while to accept that because now, okay, she's this, you know, this, you know. PhD and she's around all these researchers and you know these you know you these cats they talk they talk a different language right so I just after a while I was just like you know what around her and her peoples I'll be an arm candy I'm okay with that you know what I'm saying yeah yeah you know you gotta gotta say right but you know at that time because I know I know Dr. Malaika: Come on, arm candy. Mr. Anderson: I know who I am, I know what I got. You know what saying? every, if you know what you're doing, like you said before, Mike, my stock goes up every time, you know, I'm around, me and my wife are together. My stock goes up. And if you think that you have to be this, you know, macho man all the time, and you can be someone like that. You can't knock it. You cannot knock it. Someone like that. But I wasn't like that, man. And I'm still not like that. I like the smart ones. I like the blinds too. Dr. Malaika: But I'll say this to you, she doesn't accomplish, I say this myself, I don't accomplish any things I accomplish without him. I was getting these degrees when I was a parent. So if I don't have a partner that's supporting my dreams and goals and present for me, I don't get to where I am. And it's still that way. As I was working and doing different things in different areas and avenues, he's always been present to support me. Mr. Anderson: Mm-hmm. Dr. Malaika: Sometimes that meant he had to go to parent teacher conference, because I couldn't go to parent teacher conference. So her accomplishments, while they are hers, she achieved them, they're not separate from you as her partner and being there to support her. So you're more than just arm candy. Mr. Anderson: Yep. Yep. Oh, I don't mind being an American, I'm good at it. You know what saying? Oh yeah, I agree. I agree. I definitely agree with that, man. And I just, I've always been that way. I've always been this, I love smart women. You know, they just attract to me. And it doesn't mean for any man, right? It doesn't mean you're not leading. It doesn't mean if you do it right, you know, you'll get you a smart woman that can kinda... Dr. Malaika: But you're more than that. You're more than that. Don Talk: Ha ha! Mr. Anderson: You know, she's the queen of the board, man. She moves all around. We know no chess, right? Right? The king can only move one space at a time. Once you got that queen, if you move her right, checkmate, That's all I'm saying. Don Talk: All right, so we're gonna give final thoughts, but I'm gonna tell you this, Malika, we're gonna have have you back, because we got to do one third of our programming. So definitely we gotta invite you back to finish us off. But last words of wisdom, if you have any anybody for love, languages versus survival language, how do you grow out? Dr. Malaika: You guys, you guys had a lot. Got it. Don Talk: space into the proper space any last words of advice. Dr. Malaika: I would say that when you move into thriving, then the love will come like attached to that because survival is the expectation that something's gonna happen and you just need to make it from point A to point B. But when you're thriving, there's overflow. And I feel like love is overtaking. So you need to shift your mentality into thriving and growing. And it's not always big. Sometimes it's small things, but you're still thriving because there's progress being made. And when you shift into that, you'll see a difference in how you show up in the world, how you show up in your relationships. I know for me, some of my early years was a response to not wanting to be without or not wanting to be in a situation where I couldn't do for myself. So I was in that survival mode. And when I rested in knowing that if I put in the work, eventually the dividends will come. I'm starting to notice that stuff just kind of like overtakes me. I'm in that thriving phase and that's my mentality. Even when I can't see it, I know it's coming. And I do the same thing with my relationship. It may be a gray area, gray space, but I know that it's gonna shift when it needs to shift. So I would say, focus on thriving, because thriving comes with the love, they're attached to one another. Mr. Anderson: First of all, thank you Malika for being here. It was good to see you. Every time I think about you guys, one person I do think about, to be honest, was your brother. Man, I looked up to that man. Like he was the first baller I knew. Sorry, he was. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah. Hey, he was that very first baller I knew. I'm like, man, that dude is doing it. He was young too. At the time. Dr. Malaika: he's a baller for real now. Yeah, it's crazy. Mr. Anderson: So good, that Jay, man, he... Dr. Malaika: He on a different level of baller now. The amount of zeros behind his net worth is crazy. Mr. Anderson: I bet, I bet, baby. He's been on it for a minute. He's been on it for a minute, so yeah. Dr. Malaika: He has, literally since we were in elementary school. So he been hustling for a long time. Mr. Anderson: All right, so thank you for being here today. Definitely appreciate seeing you. Like I said, you remind me of, you and Demigia, like, I mean. Y'all are the same. Right, for a while I didn't really, me and Demika, we didn't really get along too well, but now we didn't. We bumped heads because I always challenged her. I didn't fall back with her. But I think now as adults, our relationship is extremely strong. I never thought it would be as strong as it is, but it is. But thank you. Secondly, Dr. Malaika: That's my girl. Don Talk: Yeah. Dr. Malaika: Hey, bup. Mr. Anderson: I would just say as far as love languages, let's not put too much into it, right? Because that's just like our careers. That's just, that's another part, right? You know, your love language, you got your career, you got your kids, you got everything that's going on here. So let's not put too much on this love language thing. Let's just use it as another tool in our toolbox. Right? that we can use, you know, when needed. Dr. Malaika: I Don Talk: I'll say that kind of what we talked about earlier, know, make sure you love yourself so you have enough to give to your partner, but that also do not believe that you have to fully be whole per se to have to find your person and y'all work and grow together. ⁓ Dr. Malaika: I agree with that too. Don Talk: I think it's understanding where each other at and how do you help support one another in that growth so you can continue to grow together. ⁓ And sometimes you gotta sit back and just. get off social media, get away from TV and just reflect on what's been going on. think that's the biggest, you'll find the most information that'll flood your brain when you disconnect from all those things. So, cause now you don't have nothing blocking you from that thought process and reflection. So that's what I would say. Dr. Malaika: Agree. Don Talk: Yeah, so if that's it, all our hearts and minds are clear, we're gonna pass the offering plate, which means click, like, and subscribe. And we're gonna put ⁓ Malika's link ⁓ to her podcast below this so y'all could check her out. And we're gonna get you back on so we can finish the rest of this ⁓ topic, because it was great. Mr. Anderson: I like that. So say your podcast, Amelieca, just so we can kind of have it on there. Dr. Malaika: It's the IOA, IA spelled A-Y-A. It's on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio. So, drop the episode every Tuesday. So this week's episode is dealing with grief, grieving in community. How grief is not meant to be something that we handle alone. And it's different types of grief. It's not just loss of a loved one. Grieving the life you thought you would have. So when you were talking about... Mr. Anderson: All right. Don Talk: Tuesday. Mm. Dr. Malaika: the expectations for where you should be at this age. It could be grieving what society looks like. So I talk about just the stuff that's happening socially, the safety and security. yeah, we get into some relevant topics, but it's always centered in the culture. Because I feel like our culture gave us so much that we don't even tap into enough. Mr. Anderson: Okay. Thank you. Dr. Malaika: You're welcome. Don Talk: It's awesome, yeah. So we gonna share the love, spread the love, so make sure everybody's aware and we gonna keep this going. So until next time, we'll catch you then. Mr. Anderson: Alright,