Latest / The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast / Date My Mom

Transcript

Date My Mom · The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast

0:14
Speaker 1: Welcome back to I Do Far Too.
0:16
Speaker 2: It's your celebrity mentors Kelly Bensamin from the Real Housewives
0:20
Speaker 2: of New York and myself, Alexian Dapola from the Real
0:23
Speaker 2: Housewives of Miami.
0:25
Speaker 3: Hey Kelly, Hi Alexia, how are you?
0:28
Speaker 1: I'm good?
0:29
Speaker 4: Thank you.
0:30
Speaker 1: How are you doing?
0:31
Speaker 3: I'm doing well.
0:31
Speaker 5: This is going to be a very very interesting conversation
0:35
Speaker 5: with doctor Hilly culture.
0:36
Speaker 3: I cannot wait. Yes, I ask you some questions. What
0:39
Speaker 3: are you going to ask her?
0:40
Speaker 1: Yes, well, I have I have so many questions.
0:43
Speaker 2: I feel like we can do like three, four or
0:45
Speaker 2: five parts to this segment because there's so much to
0:48
Speaker 2: talk about and so much to ue wrap. But for me,
0:51
Speaker 2: it's always been like, why do women get it harder
0:54
Speaker 2: than men when it comes to dating?
0:55
Speaker 1: Why is it okay for dad to.
0:57
Speaker 2: Date whoever he wants to date, whatever age they are,
1:00
Speaker 2: doesn't matter.
1:01
Speaker 1: Everything is okay.
1:02
Speaker 2: But then the mom has like a really nice guy
1:04
Speaker 2: that she wants to day and they give it a
1:06
Speaker 2: really hard time. I have a problem with that. What
1:08
Speaker 2: do you think do you think that's a good question?
1:10
Speaker 5: That is a great question, And I know that a
1:12
Speaker 5: lot of people are going to want to know the answer.
1:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, because you know, I know that there's
1:17
Speaker 2: a lot to it as well, but I always think
1:20
Speaker 2: it's just so much harder to be a woman, Kelly,
1:22
Speaker 2: Like in my next life, I just want to be
1:24
Speaker 2: a lie. I think they're having so much easier.
1:26
Speaker 3: Well, because we're the nurturers, that's why. Yeah.
1:29
Speaker 2: Well I love I love being a mom and being
1:31
Speaker 2: a nurturer and so nurtures. But I always feel like
1:35
Speaker 2: the dad, you know, is like we can get away
1:37
Speaker 2: with anything, and if he has money, even more power
1:39
Speaker 2: to him. It's like he's perfect, he's great. There's nothing
1:42
Speaker 2: he does wrong as long as he provides right. So, okay, okay,
1:45
Speaker 2: doctor Hillary is here, so let's just dive right into this.
1:48
Speaker 3: Hi, doctor Hillary.
1:50
Speaker 6: Hi, it's so fun to be here. Thanks for having me.
1:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, so we're going to dive right into this, and
1:54
Speaker 2: we have a lot of questions for you, doctor Hillary,
1:57
Speaker 2: and I'm sure the viewers and the lists are very
2:01
Speaker 2: eager to hear what you have to say about this.
2:04
Speaker 2: So in your professional opinion, I want to know what
2:08
Speaker 2: you think. Who has it more difficult? Is it the
2:10
Speaker 2: dads that have been more difficult when it comes to
2:13
Speaker 2: dating you girls? Or do the single moms that are
2:17
Speaker 2: dating haveing more difficult? You know, as far as when
2:19
Speaker 2: the kids are involved, right, Like, who do you think
2:22
Speaker 2: has it hard or in the dating game when it
2:24
Speaker 2: comes to dating post divorce.
2:27
Speaker 6: That's such a juicy question. There's so many levels of
2:31
Speaker 6: that question to consider, so I'll unpack it. I mean,
2:37
Speaker 6: I think, like at the top of the pyramid is intentionality, right,
2:40
Speaker 6: it sort of depends on what the dad or the
2:43
Speaker 6: mom is looking for. If you're looking for dating and
2:47
Speaker 6: casual fun, maybe men have it a bit easier for
2:52
Speaker 6: all the reasons in terms of access and the numbers
2:57
Speaker 6: of women available younger, perhaps there's more of an ease
3:03
Speaker 6: in that regard. But in terms of like trying to
3:06
Speaker 6: curate a new connection and a new relationship, I think
3:11
Speaker 6: it depends on the level of consciousness that each person
3:15
Speaker 6: brings right post divorce, the way to cultivate a successful
3:20
Speaker 6: relationship is to come with a new understanding about what
3:24
Speaker 6: you're looking for, what you'll tolerate, what you won't tolerate.
3:28
Speaker 6: I think that's heavy lifting, and in a way, women
3:31
Speaker 6: probably have more foresight and resources to go through that
3:35
Speaker 6: exercise to bring about things in their lives that resonate,
3:39
Speaker 6: and men may do less of that post divorce. And
3:42
Speaker 6: it's sort of stereotypical cliche, but I often see it.
3:46
Speaker 6: So I think it really depends on each person's emotional
3:50
Speaker 6: station in life, what kind of work they actually engage
3:54
Speaker 6: in post divorce, what kind of level of as I said,
3:57
Speaker 6: consciousness and intentionality. You mentioned the kids, So logistics around kids,
4:02
Speaker 6: there's a whole other element that's true.
4:05
Speaker 2: Well, I mean I find with my experience and as
4:07
Speaker 2: a woman, I feel like just in general, it's harder
4:11
Speaker 2: for the woman to date. You know, I think the
4:13
Speaker 2: kids are harder on their mom. I don't know if
4:14
Speaker 2: it's that they're being more protected or they you know,
4:17
Speaker 2: live most of the time with the mom or she
4:19
Speaker 2: has like that, you know, that mother figure role. And
4:22
Speaker 2: I just think the guys dad's have it easier, right,
4:24
Speaker 2: It's just like, you know, it's okay for like the
4:27
Speaker 2: dad to day different girls, but you know, when it
4:29
Speaker 2: comes to the mom, it's that we're judged differently. I
4:33
Speaker 2: mean that's just like my opinion and not that i've
4:36
Speaker 2: lived in. But you know, I have a lot of
4:38
Speaker 2: friends that are divorced. In our dating and and that's it,
4:42
Speaker 2: you know, That's what they've shared with me.
4:44
Speaker 3: I think too, Alexi.
4:45
Speaker 5: It's also you know, it's I love that Hillary is
4:49
Speaker 5: talking about Doctor Halley's talking about all the work and
4:52
Speaker 5: and that is so important.
4:54
Speaker 3: Uh. I think for children too, just from like seeing my.
4:58
Speaker 5: Kids, they're you know a lot of children gravitate towards
5:02
Speaker 5: the parent who basically is either they're blaming the parent
5:07
Speaker 5: that is the one that's the nurturer, and they're celebrating.
5:11
Speaker 3: The one that has the money.
5:12
Speaker 5: And so like I think, you know, typically the generalization,
5:16
Speaker 5: like doctor Hillary said, is that you know a lot
5:18
Speaker 5: of men, you know, have Wednesdays and Saturdays and the
5:21
Speaker 5: women have you know, the majority of the time with
5:26
Speaker 5: the children.
5:26
Speaker 3: And so it's just natural.
5:28
Speaker 5: That you know, when you reliant on a parent, whether
5:32
Speaker 5: they're the father or the mother, that person, that parent
5:37
Speaker 5: is going to be the one that's not going to
5:38
Speaker 5: get you know, the love. And you know, I know
5:42
Speaker 5: for my own self, I mean I didn't have there
5:44
Speaker 5: was no Wednesdays, there were no saturdays, there were no vacations.
5:48
Speaker 5: It was I had a full custody of my children,
5:52
Speaker 5: which I asked for just because I thought it was
5:55
Speaker 5: the best scenario for my children, and.
5:59
Speaker 3: It was really different.
6:00
Speaker 5: I mean, my children are older now, but when they
6:03
Speaker 5: were younger, it was very, very difficult because I did
6:07
Speaker 5: not want to bring them into a situation where they
6:10
Speaker 5: were like, who is this person?
6:11
Speaker 3: Are you my daddy?
6:12
Speaker 5: You know, it's like oh that little book like are
6:14
Speaker 5: you my daddy? Are you my daddy?
6:16
Speaker 2: Uh?
6:17
Speaker 5: And so, And I didn't want my children to feel
6:20
Speaker 5: like that as well, like they needed to find a dad.
6:25
Speaker 3: That's not what I wanted.
6:27
Speaker 5: And even now my kids are, they're really looking for
6:30
Speaker 5: a partner. So it's like the three of us, we're
6:32
Speaker 5: like we're a trifecta. And there I mean sometimes I'm like, oh.
6:34
Speaker 3: My god, like the people that they like versus the
6:36
Speaker 3: purple that I like.
6:38
Speaker 5: You know, it's like it's it's like very stressful because
6:41
Speaker 5: they're like, this is the person for you.
6:43
Speaker 3: And I'm like, are you sure?
6:44
Speaker 2: That's a great question. So should we have our children
6:47
Speaker 2: picking our partners?
6:49
Speaker 3: Doctor Hillary? Should we That's a great question, Alexi?
6:52
Speaker 2: Yeah, fine, I mean we want our children's approval, of course,
6:55
Speaker 2: you know, because there are lives and there's such a
6:58
Speaker 2: big part of our life and we want to blend
6:59
Speaker 2: us families who want, you know, everybody to be happy
7:02
Speaker 2: and get along. But is that even a good idea, right,
7:05
Speaker 2: because at the end of the day, we don't really
7:07
Speaker 2: have a say in our children's relationships. And our children
7:10
Speaker 2: grow up and they make their choices and they you know,
7:13
Speaker 2: choose and select their partners, and you know, they want
7:15
Speaker 2: our blessing too, right, we want to like them also
7:17
Speaker 2: and approve of them, but at the end of the day,
7:20
Speaker 2: it just really, you know, it has to do with you.
7:22
Speaker 1: I don't think we should give our children that power.
7:25
Speaker 2: I do think we need to validate their emotions and
7:27
Speaker 2: their feelings and respect their boundaries and all that. But
7:31
Speaker 2: it's really the person that makes you happy, and whatever
7:34
Speaker 2: they think they make you happy is really not what
7:36
Speaker 2: you're searching for what you need.
7:37
Speaker 7: There's like the old old adage about how other people's
7:42
Speaker 7: see other people seeing in and you know it's like
7:45
Speaker 7: they're you know, it's like they always they say something like,
7:47
Speaker 7: you know, people are blind, but the neighbors ain't.
7:49
Speaker 5: Like the neighbors are not blind. And sometimes our kids
7:53
Speaker 5: they have different interests because maybe like for example, they
7:57
Speaker 5: might like like a man who has more money, so
7:59
Speaker 5: that then they see that the man is showering you know,
8:02
Speaker 5: us with money, and maybe that that they're like that
8:05
Speaker 5: helps them feel more comfortable. But you know, friends and family,
8:10
Speaker 5: they see when the person is the wrong person.
8:12
Speaker 3: Doctor Hally, what do you think about that?
8:14
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, the red flags for sure.
8:16
Speaker 2: Yeah, they do know that absolutely.
8:18
Speaker 6: So there's actually a clear answer to this, which is no,
8:23
Speaker 6: and I'll walk through why. But that doesn't mean that
8:27
Speaker 6: the children aren't involved in the process of sort of
8:31
Speaker 6: curating and extended dynamic with a partner that you're going
8:36
Speaker 6: to introduce into your life. There should be a real
8:39
Speaker 6: deliberateness about how you facilitate that. But in terms of
8:43
Speaker 6: picking a partner, what I'm about to say is really critical,
8:47
Speaker 6: which is kids don't ultimately want that responsibility. They may
8:51
Speaker 6: tell you they do, they may try to embody it,
8:54
Speaker 6: but kids don't feel good when they have quote too
8:57
Speaker 6: much power over their parents. They don't want to run
9:00
Speaker 6: the show. If we ask them, they're going to probably
9:03
Speaker 6: say the office it. But later when they end up
9:06
Speaker 6: in my office in like twenty years, they're going to
9:09
Speaker 6: talk about the dynamic of feeling like they had too
9:12
Speaker 6: much say in their family system. It doesn't feel good.
9:15
Speaker 6: That feels disregulating. So setting the boundary of like, hey,
9:18
Speaker 6: this is this is kind of mom's journey, and like
9:22
Speaker 6: I will sort of date and get to know people
9:24
Speaker 6: that I feel appropriate. I will make mistakes, I will
9:29
Speaker 6: make connections, and like, when it's appropriate, I'll bring you
9:32
Speaker 6: in and I'll ask your opinion about how and about
9:35
Speaker 6: when and how often. And it's then that if kids
9:38
Speaker 6: have feedback about like I really think he's amazing for
9:41
Speaker 6: these reasons, they're like, I'm kind of seeing something that
9:43
Speaker 6: makes me uncomfortable. That's a fair dialogue to have with kids.
9:46
Speaker 6: But we don't want to put kids in a position
9:49
Speaker 6: to feel responsible. It's like it's too much heavy lifting.
9:53
Speaker 3: That's another interesting point.
9:54
Speaker 5: So if we and I agree with that, I agree that,
9:57
Speaker 5: you know, I mean I have respect for my children's opinions,
10:01
Speaker 5: but I don't, you know, make decisions based on their thoughts.
10:05
Speaker 5: I mean, they're still even though they're twenty four and
10:07
Speaker 5: twenty six, they are still my children.
10:10
Speaker 3: So I agree with that.
10:12
Speaker 5: But what about when you're in the dynamic of like
10:14
Speaker 5: blending the family, Because like when you're you know, I'm
10:17
Speaker 5: fifty six years old, obviously there's going to be a
10:20
Speaker 5: lot of men in the pool that I'm looking at
10:23
Speaker 5: who have children, and what are your thoughts when like
10:27
Speaker 5: all of the kids are kind of like at each
10:30
Speaker 5: other's throats, and you know, like.
10:32
Speaker 3: How do like what are your thoughts on that?
10:36
Speaker 6: Yeah? Yeah, yeah, it's such a good question, and there's
10:38
Speaker 6: no like formula to make it go perfectly, but at
10:43
Speaker 6: least try to be in mind you slow, deliberate and
10:46
Speaker 6: sort of curated about it. I would have an upfront
10:50
Speaker 6: discussion about it, like I was just alluding to earlier
10:53
Speaker 6: that like, this person's important to me, even if your
10:55
Speaker 6: kiddos are twenty six and twenty four, you know, even
10:58
Speaker 6: if they're clearly adults, and particularly when they're kiddos, But
11:02
Speaker 6: either way, I would sit down and sort of be like, like,
11:04
Speaker 6: this is going to happen. This person has become important
11:07
Speaker 6: to me, and I want him to know you, and
11:09
Speaker 6: I want you to know him. And he has kids
11:11
Speaker 6: in the mix, and I want you all to know
11:13
Speaker 6: each other. I want there to be some version of community.
11:15
Speaker 1: I appreciate that, yeah, and I think you should go slow.
11:18
Speaker 2: Also, I feel like the biggest problem with a lot
11:21
Speaker 2: of relationships women and men is that they introduce their
11:25
Speaker 2: so called new love or boyfriend or girlfriend too sue
11:28
Speaker 2: to the kids. And sometimes the kids don't really need
11:31
Speaker 2: to be involved so soon in the relationship. So that's
11:33
Speaker 2: advice I could give, right to just go slow.
11:37
Speaker 6: Alexia is absolutely right, even though we women or the
11:42
Speaker 6: guy might be really excited and should envision this community
11:47
Speaker 6: and you know sort of familial feel which is sort
11:51
Speaker 6: of really an exciting notion that's post divorced and you
11:55
Speaker 6: start imagining like some other paradigm that feels really healing
11:58
Speaker 6: and lovely. But kids don't need to be involved at
12:01
Speaker 6: the beginning. I mean, there's no particular time frame that
12:06
Speaker 6: I would adhere to per se, but like I wouldn't
12:08
Speaker 6: get into it for at least six months, is my opinion.
12:12
Speaker 3: What happens when you like the kids more than your partner.
12:15
Speaker 5: That's eppened to me, Like I love the kids, and
12:18
Speaker 5: I was like, he's awful, but they're amazing.
12:22
Speaker 6: A sign to consider exiting, Yeah, yeah, right, awful.
12:27
Speaker 5: And you know it's like I feel like I'm like, oh,
12:29
Speaker 5: my kids. There's one French friend, a guy that I dated,
12:32
Speaker 5: and he had kids who are just were adorable. And
12:35
Speaker 5: my kids still really really liked his kids, and but
12:39
Speaker 5: he's just awful. So it's like, you know, that is
12:43
Speaker 5: just terrible too, because I mean, you know, for someone
12:45
Speaker 5: like me like I have since day one, the reason
12:49
Speaker 5: that I got divorced, the fundamental reason outside of like
12:53
Speaker 5: other things, but the fundamental reason is because I wanted
12:56
Speaker 5: a family for my family, and I did not know
13:00
Speaker 5: my ex husband was not He was a you know,
13:02
Speaker 5: he's an incredible creative, but in terms of being like
13:06
Speaker 5: a father figure and creating a dynamic family, he just
13:10
Speaker 5: that wasn't that.
13:11
Speaker 3: He just didn't have that tool in his tool.
13:12
Speaker 5: About just wasn't there, And so I was just I've
13:15
Speaker 5: been constantly on the search.
13:19
Speaker 3: For fit.
13:19
Speaker 5: Literally now it's fifteen almost fifteen years for just a
13:24
Speaker 5: good human I can tell.
13:26
Speaker 3: Where are they?
13:28
Speaker 6: Well, I mean you're bringing up something that's sort of
13:31
Speaker 6: tangential to what we were just talking about, which is
13:33
Speaker 6: that not for every woman, but for many women, that
13:37
Speaker 6: sort of primitive edict for connection and family and community
13:40
Speaker 6: and you being in search of that is completely lovely
13:43
Speaker 6: and appropriate and can be blinding. When you're getting to
13:47
Speaker 6: know someone, there's an apparent opportunity to build that community,
13:52
Speaker 6: and we can like fill in the lengths to make
13:54
Speaker 6: it okay for what we wanted to be without being
13:58
Speaker 6: clear about what's actually happening. And so even though you
14:02
Speaker 6: have that interest of curating that community and that sort
14:04
Speaker 6: of family system, and you know, I said before six months,
14:08
Speaker 6: whatever the number, is trying to be slow and deliberate
14:10
Speaker 6: and intentional having those kind of conversations with your kids beforehand,
14:15
Speaker 6: and to kind of get back to the point you
14:16
Speaker 6: guys brought up if and when things aren't going well,
14:19
Speaker 6: you know, the kids don't get along or they're not
14:22
Speaker 6: interested in connecting, like deeply validating it. I totally get it,
14:26
Speaker 6: Like this is fun for me, but like doesn't feel
14:29
Speaker 6: that fun for you? Makes sense to me. This isn't
14:31
Speaker 6: your family, This isn't you know, these aren't your siblings,
14:34
Speaker 6: this isn't a step parent, and you're not invested Like
14:36
Speaker 6: I am, totally what's something that we can broker that
14:40
Speaker 6: feels okay to you? You know? Can we spend a
14:43
Speaker 6: couple of hours once a week, right being able to
14:46
Speaker 6: respect our kids' perspective. I mean some of this depends
14:49
Speaker 6: on age. We can get into the nuance of that,
14:51
Speaker 6: but respecting what it feels like as a kid to
14:55
Speaker 6: be introduced to this new paradigm of people. For you,
14:59
Speaker 6: you have compelled exciting feelings for kids, they have natural resistance.
15:03
Speaker 5: Yeah, I think it's also some for me. My kids
15:06
Speaker 5: really want me to meet someone. They want me to
15:09
Speaker 5: meet someone special, not just anyone. They really want me
15:12
Speaker 5: to have that you know, relationship. They know that I've looked,
15:18
Speaker 5: I've been looking for that. They know it's something that
15:20
Speaker 5: I've always wanted and I just never you know, found it.
15:24
Speaker 3: And it's interesting.
15:25
Speaker 5: I was on a call with one of my clients
15:27
Speaker 5: the other day and he was like, you didn't get
15:29
Speaker 5: the memo Kelly of like dating the rich man? Like, no,
15:34
Speaker 5: I'm sorry, I just didn't get that memo, all.
15:37
Speaker 3: Right, miss that one. Miss that memo.
15:39
Speaker 6: Sorry.
15:39
Speaker 5: And I'm like, that's not what I'm looking for. I'm
15:42
Speaker 5: looking for a real connection. What about you, Alexey, what
15:46
Speaker 5: are your thoughts.
15:47
Speaker 2: I think it's going to be easier for you now
15:49
Speaker 2: that your daughters are older. I think it's harder when
15:53
Speaker 2: they're teenagers, you know, especially for girls that they're permonal
15:56
Speaker 2: and they're going through their periods, and you know, it
15:59
Speaker 2: also depends on the you know, parenting styles, you know, like,
16:02
Speaker 2: for example, if you're dating somebody that has children and
16:05
Speaker 2: his parent and style is different from yours, it's really
16:08
Speaker 2: difficult to blend families.
16:10
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna lie. I've been through it two.
16:12
Speaker 2: Times already, and I want to say that I haven't
16:16
Speaker 2: really succeeded because you need both sides. You need everybody
16:19
Speaker 2: needs to be involved, right like your current partner, his
16:22
Speaker 2: ex wife, his children, yourself, your children. It's really really hard.
16:27
Speaker 2: Like back in the day, for example, my mom was
16:29
Speaker 2: divorced five times, so I had different men in my life, right,
16:34
Speaker 2: But my mom always had it very clear and would
16:36
Speaker 2: tell the men, these are my children, and we were
16:38
Speaker 2: three brothers and sisters, and you have no say in
16:41
Speaker 2: the way I bring up my children or in anything.
16:44
Speaker 2: So I really never saw them as a stepfather or
16:47
Speaker 2: as a father figure or anything like that. Because I
16:50
Speaker 2: had my father. I was fortunate enough to have my
16:51
Speaker 2: father involved in my life. So it was always like
16:54
Speaker 2: my mom's boyfriend or my mom's man, but it was
16:57
Speaker 2: never really involved in my life. Back in the day,
17:00
Speaker 2: and this was obviously many years ago. Well, we didn't
17:02
Speaker 2: have all this information and awareness and all this kind
17:04
Speaker 2: of stuff. Even though my mom was a psychiatrist and
17:07
Speaker 2: she was a very smart woman and she that's how
17:10
Speaker 2: it works for her. It was like, these are my children,
17:12
Speaker 2: and we lived with my mom, so it was my
17:15
Speaker 2: mom's rules, and she never allowed her partner to have
17:18
Speaker 2: any say in any decision making in our lives. And
17:21
Speaker 2: you know what, it works for her. So it's something
17:23
Speaker 2: that's very personal. You know, we can have I do
17:26
Speaker 2: part one, two, three, four or five. We can talk
17:28
Speaker 2: about the subjects forever because it's so complex and there's
17:31
Speaker 2: so much too unpack, and it depends on the children also,
17:35
Speaker 2: Like give you're the new spouse that comes in and
17:38
Speaker 2: you partner, whether you were a cause of the divorce,
17:41
Speaker 2: you know, the children are going to have resentment and
17:43
Speaker 2: they're not gonna you know, welcome the person into their
17:45
Speaker 2: lives and you can't even blame you know, the child
17:48
Speaker 2: in a way. So it's just very very complex, you know.
17:51
Speaker 2: But for you, Kelly, I think it's way easier now
17:54
Speaker 2: because your daughters are older. You have a beautiful relationship
17:57
Speaker 2: with them. They're mature, you know, they want you know,
18:00
Speaker 2: our children learn from us, So you're I'm sure your
18:03
Speaker 2: daughters are going to choose really well, you know, because
18:05
Speaker 2: they had a really good example and they probably want
18:07
Speaker 2: for you what they want for them. And what's going
18:10
Speaker 2: to make you happier than having your daughters marry forever?
18:13
Speaker 2: Right and find that man and you're gonna find them too.
18:16
Speaker 2: You know, he's he's out there. You just have to
18:18
Speaker 2: put yourself out there and be open to it. And
18:20
Speaker 2: you know, don't involve your daughter so much, Kelly. They're
18:22
Speaker 2: already adults. You know, they're going to figure it out.
18:25
Speaker 2: They're going to have their relationships, and they're gonna make
18:27
Speaker 2: their mistakes too, even though I know we want to
18:29
Speaker 2: save our children and not make the mistakes, but they
18:31
Speaker 2: have to go through it to and learn from it.
18:33
Speaker 5: I mean, I love my girls like I literally would
18:35
Speaker 5: do absolutely anything for them, and I've proven that.
18:38
Speaker 2: We'll both basically mom, we have amazing kids. But what
18:41
Speaker 2: happens is that, you know, I'm also in my fifties.
18:44
Speaker 2: Your children grow up and you know, and they they
18:47
Speaker 2: make their lives and they do and that's what you
18:49
Speaker 2: want them to do. It It's hard for me too
18:51
Speaker 2: because I'm super overprotective and you know my situation, but
18:54
Speaker 2: you know, it would be selfish with me, you know,
18:57
Speaker 2: not to do that, and we have to look up
18:58
Speaker 2: for ourselves and what makes us happy. And obviously you're
19:02
Speaker 2: at a different stage in your life than your daughters
19:04
Speaker 2: are just beginning. And like I said, I'm sure that
19:07
Speaker 2: they're gonna pick that guy, the guy that they would
19:10
Speaker 2: probably want you to be with, right, but that's what
19:12
Speaker 2: they want. So that's the person they're going to choose.
19:14
Speaker 2: And you're going to pick whoever, you know, whoever's going
19:17
Speaker 2: to make you happy and checks off the boxes and
19:19
Speaker 2: you're going to have, you know, that compatibility and whatever
19:23
Speaker 2: it is you know that you're looking for. But I've
19:25
Speaker 2: learned that we need to leave our children out of it.
19:28
Speaker 2: I mean, it depends on the time because like the
19:30
Speaker 2: doctor Hillary said, they don't have the capacity.
19:33
Speaker 1: We can't give them that responsibility.
19:35
Speaker 2: That's like a hard job.
19:36
Speaker 1: But then if it doesn't work out, I.
19:37
Speaker 2: Mean, they're already going through children with divorce, parents already
19:41
Speaker 2: have their own trauma and you know, their own things,
19:44
Speaker 2: So we're just adding more pressure to them. So and
19:47
Speaker 2: you know, I've made that mistake. That's why we hear
19:48
Speaker 2: talking about it because you know, sometimes you know, we
19:51
Speaker 2: you know, we do have to listen to them obviously
19:53
Speaker 2: and validate their feelings and emotions. But at the end
19:56
Speaker 2: of the day, we're the adults.
19:57
Speaker 1: We're the ones that have to make that decision, not
19:59
Speaker 1: let make it.
20:10
Speaker 5: I mean, doctor Hurley, I don't know if you know this,
20:12
Speaker 5: but I called off my wedding four days before I
20:14
Speaker 5: was supposed to get married. And one of them there
20:16
Speaker 5: were many reasons why I called off the wedding, but
20:19
Speaker 5: one of the biggest reasons was because my children were
20:24
Speaker 5: just not happy and I we had gone away on
20:28
Speaker 5: vacation and they just were so miserable, and I just
20:31
Speaker 5: was like, this is not what I want in my life,
20:35
Speaker 5: Like I do not want to live my life with
20:37
Speaker 5: my children being miserable. Like I just don't want that.
20:41
Speaker 3: What are your.
20:42
Speaker 5: Thoughts on What are your thoughts on on what I did?
20:46
Speaker 6: Wow, that's that's a power move. But look, I understand, uh,
20:52
Speaker 6: to make such an enormous decision in your life and
20:54
Speaker 6: to have your kids vocally and viscerally unhappy is and
20:59
Speaker 6: almost impossible combination, right, And you know, we're talking about
21:03
Speaker 6: a subset of what we were originally talking about, which
21:06
Speaker 6: is the notion of sure not letting our kiddos pick
21:09
Speaker 6: our partner, but once a partner is in our lives,
21:13
Speaker 6: understanding their impact on our family system is really really important.
21:17
Speaker 6: So of course I don't know the details, and I
21:19
Speaker 6: imagine you'll have to tell me, but some of the
21:22
Speaker 6: discomfort that was coming up for them must have bumped
21:25
Speaker 6: up against some of your pre existing unconscious discomfort if
21:29
Speaker 6: you eventually made that decision.
21:31
Speaker 3: Oh, it was conscious. It was definitely not consciousness.
21:33
Speaker 2: Yes, I was going to ask you talk to Hilary's
21:36
Speaker 2: one that situation, like what do you do? Like, let's say,
21:38
Speaker 2: like your children are not comfortable with the new person
21:42
Speaker 2: in your life and you're about to get married and whatnot,
21:45
Speaker 2: So what do you do?
21:46
Speaker 1: Like as a mom, right, what do you do? Do
21:48
Speaker 1: you go ahead with it? Do you try to do
21:51
Speaker 1: like a family meeting?
21:53
Speaker 4: Right?
21:53
Speaker 1: And like some interventions, some therapy. I don't know what
21:56
Speaker 1: is it that we can do?
21:57
Speaker 6: Look, I think I mean, notwithstanding the four days before
22:01
Speaker 6: part of.
22:01
Speaker 1: It that was pretty baldy Kelly, thanks Alexia.
22:06
Speaker 3: I was like, this is not happening.
22:08
Speaker 1: You know, you have to go buy your gut, and
22:10
Speaker 1: that's what you did.
22:11
Speaker 6: Paradoxically, I would lean way in, meaning I would open
22:14
Speaker 6: up a lot of space for their thoughts and feedback.
22:17
Speaker 6: It doesn't mean you have to take their advice sort
22:20
Speaker 6: of follow their line of thinking, but I would be like,
22:24
Speaker 6: I'm curious, tell me more your opinion, your feeling, your
22:27
Speaker 6: mindset matters to me greatly, Like I want to hear everything.
22:29
Speaker 6: I would just invite the feedback and the dialogue just
22:32
Speaker 6: between you and them, and then you have some work
22:35
Speaker 6: to do, right, I mean, in Kelly, it sounds like
22:37
Speaker 6: in your case it was clearly bumping up, intersecting with
22:42
Speaker 6: existing concerns that you had, right and so in this case,
22:46
Speaker 6: and you'll have to tell me if I'm right, but
22:47
Speaker 6: in this case there were a bit of like truth tellers,
22:49
Speaker 6: things that you were already thinking about consciously or unconsciously.
22:53
Speaker 6: And so if that's true, that's one scenario, you know
22:57
Speaker 6: where it's sort of like, wow, I haven't wanted to
22:59
Speaker 6: look at these things and face these things. But it's
23:02
Speaker 6: still important even if that's the scenario we're talking about,
23:05
Speaker 6: to make that decision by yourself, to do the work,
23:09
Speaker 6: to do the analysis, to talk to trusted others, a therapist,
23:13
Speaker 6: a mentor, et cetera, to think about what are your
23:16
Speaker 6: deal breakers, what are your non negotiables, What are the
23:18
Speaker 6: dynamics that work for you, and what are the dynamics
23:21
Speaker 6: that don't. And obviously dynamics related to our children are
23:25
Speaker 6: going to be included in that analysis. There are often
23:28
Speaker 6: scenarios where our kids are just resistant.
23:31
Speaker 2: Yeah, I was going to say that too.
23:32
Speaker 4: Absolutely, they don't want to quote lose us to someone else, right,
23:38
Speaker 4: And so reticence is more rooted in their own understandable
23:42
Speaker 4: trauma about yourself and now being replaced or their dad
23:46
Speaker 4: being replaced or both.
23:48
Speaker 6: And those are also really valid feelings.
23:50
Speaker 1: So yeah, to nameless.
23:52
Speaker 6: Feelings and honor those and validate them, but still reserve
23:56
Speaker 6: the right and model for them that you're going to
23:59
Speaker 6: make your own decision if this person in this relationship
24:03
Speaker 6: resonates with you. I mean, it's much more complicated in
24:05
Speaker 6: terms of what it would look like playing out, But
24:06
Speaker 6: that's sort of the headlines, right.
24:09
Speaker 3: No, I appreciate that.
24:10
Speaker 2: I love that you said that, doctor Hillary, because that's
24:12
Speaker 2: that's how I think now. I didn't know that that
24:15
Speaker 2: years ago, but what I've learned through my life lessons,
24:18
Speaker 2: I feel the same about what you've heard right now,
24:21
Speaker 2: h and I had, so my second husband, her man
24:25
Speaker 2: had two adult children. Went about children because I always
24:28
Speaker 2: consider them children. But they were already like over eighteen.
24:31
Speaker 2: One was about to turn eighteen, and you know, they
24:35
Speaker 2: resisted for the wrong reasons, you know.
24:37
Speaker 1: But he always had it very clear.
24:39
Speaker 2: He said, listen, you know, she's not trying to be
24:41
Speaker 2: your mom or your stepmom, but you have to respect her.
24:44
Speaker 2: And she's your friend, and she's just gonna have that
24:47
Speaker 2: friendal you know. And she's my wife and she's who
24:49
Speaker 2: I love, and this is what it's going to be,
24:51
Speaker 2: and you need to respect that.
24:53
Speaker 1: When you.
24:54
Speaker 2: Know, when you're ready to go with your life and
24:56
Speaker 2: select your woman and marry her, I will respect that
24:59
Speaker 2: as well.
25:00
Speaker 1: I'm going to make that decision. So you never really know.
25:02
Speaker 1: And I honestly I was not the cause of their divorce.
25:05
Speaker 1: I was nothing.
25:06
Speaker 2: I meant years later, but they still held on to
25:09
Speaker 2: that resentment and so that resists.
25:10
Speaker 1: And they never wanted to see their father happy. That's
25:12
Speaker 1: really what it is.
25:14
Speaker 2: And they waited to that passed a wedding to tell me,
25:17
Speaker 2: f you like, literally we were just buried him, and
25:19
Speaker 2: that was the first thing they did.
25:21
Speaker 1: So all of that resentment and can you imagine, Kelly.
25:25
Speaker 3: No, I cannot. I'm so sorry. It's awful, I know.
25:28
Speaker 2: So at my wedding with him, my friend my friends
25:33
Speaker 2: that were there said, Alexa, we never told you, but
25:35
Speaker 2: his sons were crying at the wedding, and they weren't
25:38
Speaker 2: crying out of joy. They were crying out of anger
25:41
Speaker 2: that he married you. They were so upset that he
25:44
Speaker 2: hadn't be like why, Like, all I did was trying
25:46
Speaker 2: to make the other happy. And that's how it is
25:48
Speaker 2: in every relationship, right. It wasn't like, I don't know
25:51
Speaker 2: till today why those kids, you know, disliked me so much,
25:55
Speaker 2: because you know, all I did was like, you know,
25:57
Speaker 2: be a good wife, be a good like mother, role,
26:00
Speaker 2: accept them into my life, give them love and respect.
26:03
Speaker 2: I mean, that's how it was. I even worked with them.
26:05
Speaker 2: So it was really really difficult for me. So for
26:08
Speaker 2: me when I married Todd, I said, he had two daughters.
26:12
Speaker 2: I said, you know what, I'm going to have zero
26:14
Speaker 2: involvement because I was so hurt with you know, with
26:18
Speaker 2: Hermit's kids that I said to myself, you know, I'm
26:20
Speaker 2: not going to set myself up for that pain again.
26:24
Speaker 2: You know, to like raise these girls to like be
26:26
Speaker 2: you know, so close to them and love them so much,
26:27
Speaker 2: and then God forbid it doesn't work out, and then
26:30
Speaker 2: you know they're like, hey, like you know, I was
26:32
Speaker 2: protecting myself. So it's really really difficult.
26:36
Speaker 1: That's all I can tell you. I mean, it's you know,
26:39
Speaker 1: my mom would say, you can get married and divorced
26:41
Speaker 1: as many times as.
26:41
Speaker 2: You want, but only have you can't have children because
26:45
Speaker 2: the children are the ones that are affected. And then
26:48
Speaker 2: that's when it comes to blending families. Like you know,
26:51
Speaker 2: the responsibility really falls on the parents. You know, it's
26:54
Speaker 2: up to them. They have to put all their differences
26:56
Speaker 2: aside and say, you know what, we want our kids
26:58
Speaker 2: to come out healthy, you know, mentally, so we need
27:01
Speaker 2: to do this for them. Forget about what happened between
27:03
Speaker 2: you and I, and you have to like, you know,
27:05
Speaker 2: parent the right way, and you know, and it's hard.
27:08
Speaker 1: It's hard to do it. It's easy to say, but
27:10
Speaker 1: I know it's very hard to do it.
27:12
Speaker 4: You know.
27:13
Speaker 6: I think one of the things that divorce parents underestimate
27:17
Speaker 6: and stay with me because this will tie back to
27:19
Speaker 6: what you're saying, is the extended trauma of divorce on kids.
27:24
Speaker 6: We choose to get a divorce or a divorce happens
27:29
Speaker 6: to us, and then we get to move on with
27:32
Speaker 6: our lives. We process that, we grieve, we have trauma,
27:34
Speaker 6: et cetera. But we get to curate new relationships, new partnerships,
27:38
Speaker 6: sometimes new marriages. This is a lifelong thing for kids
27:41
Speaker 6: right there. Many of them are going back and forth
27:44
Speaker 6: between houses and have to deal with new partners in
27:48
Speaker 6: and out of their lives, and aren't naturally organically interested
27:53
Speaker 6: sometimes in forming relationships with new partners. And when you
27:56
Speaker 6: think about it objectively, that that makes sense. I mean,
28:00
Speaker 6: it's important to the people and the partnership, but not
28:03
Speaker 6: always important to the children. That doesn't mean we don't
28:06
Speaker 6: try to curate something that's cohesive and courteous and polite.
28:10
Speaker 6: But I think what we miss is an opportunity to like,
28:13
Speaker 6: deeply validate the experience of the kids, even if they're
28:16
Speaker 6: adults that like some version of like. I get that
28:19
Speaker 6: this isn't fun. I get that you might have resistance
28:22
Speaker 6: to this. I get that you might even feel angry
28:24
Speaker 6: about this. You might even still have feelings of upset
28:27
Speaker 6: that we're divorced in the first place. Even if it
28:29
Speaker 6: happened fifteen years ago. It's an I see adult children
28:32
Speaker 6: in my practice meeting people who are thirty, forty, fifty sixty,
28:36
Speaker 6: who obviously are adults, but we're children of divorce that
28:39
Speaker 6: are still processing the impact of it. Even if they're adults,
28:44
Speaker 6: bringing in a new partner can be triggering to their
28:48
Speaker 6: original trauma and they're sort of ongoing trauma and processing
28:51
Speaker 6: of it. So while Alexi, I'm not saying that means
28:54
Speaker 6: people should not get into new relationships and formulate a
28:57
Speaker 6: new community, but there is a way to narrate those
29:01
Speaker 6: truths that make the new partner more accessible and digestible
29:06
Speaker 6: to our adult kids. And I think a lot of parents,
29:08
Speaker 6: because it's so awkward and painful to acknowledge those truths
29:13
Speaker 6: or to acknowledge that the kids might be either neutral
29:16
Speaker 6: or not into it, don't have those kind of discussions
29:19
Speaker 6: that sort of lay better groundwork to bring in new people.
29:22
Speaker 5: I mean, one thing I think was like the good
29:24
Speaker 5: thing that I did when my when I got divorced
29:27
Speaker 5: from my from my only ex husband, is that I
29:30
Speaker 5: never spoke badly about their dad. You know, whether he
29:34
Speaker 5: was available, unavailable, whatever.
29:36
Speaker 3: He was doing. Those were.
29:38
Speaker 5: Those were things that they told me, and I didn't
29:41
Speaker 5: engage in whatever they were telling me. I was like, oh,
29:45
Speaker 5: you know, I understand, you know, listening to them speak,
29:48
Speaker 5: but then I didn't. I didn't indulge them in any
29:52
Speaker 5: kind of negative conversation. And so they're not used to
29:56
Speaker 5: hearing or being a part of, like a negative narrative
29:59
Speaker 5: with anybody that I am have you know, been with,
30:04
Speaker 5: and so I think that they were just genuinely just
30:06
Speaker 5: not happy. And it's interesting because after I got after
30:10
Speaker 5: I after I called off the wedding, you know, I
30:13
Speaker 5: obviously was around you know, a lot of my friends,
30:15
Speaker 5: and they were, you know, the majority of the people
30:18
Speaker 5: that I were, you know that were you know, giving
30:21
Speaker 5: me advice.
30:22
Speaker 3: Afterwards. They were saying that, you know.
30:24
Speaker 5: I'm getting older and that I really need to settle
30:27
Speaker 5: down and you know, find the right person, which I
30:31
Speaker 5: understand and agree with, and they were they were just
30:34
Speaker 5: you know, the common denominator was, you know, it doesn't
30:38
Speaker 5: matter if the kids don't get along or if you're
30:41
Speaker 5: their kids, his kids don't like you, or your kids
30:43
Speaker 5: don't like him, It's about your relationship together. And like,
30:47
Speaker 5: I just don't operate like that I like, I was
30:51
Speaker 5: not raised that way.
30:53
Speaker 3: I'm just not an East Coast I mean i am.
30:55
Speaker 5: I've lived in the East Coast for obviously number of years,
30:58
Speaker 5: but my my inherent mindset and upbringing comes from the Midwest,
31:05
Speaker 5: which is about building a family.
31:08
Speaker 3: Like, that's what I want and that's what I'm going
31:11
Speaker 3: to get.
31:13
Speaker 6: Well it unless I am missing a piece of the story.
31:17
Speaker 6: It sounds like the things that your kids narrated for
31:21
Speaker 6: you were truth for you. Also, Yeah, and so, and
31:26
Speaker 6: I think we should make that distinction.
31:28
Speaker 3: Yeah.
31:29
Speaker 2: Well, I mean I always wanted them to. It just
31:31
Speaker 2: hasn't worked out that way. But you know, I feel
31:33
Speaker 2: like I'm like you too, Kelly. I wanted that, Like
31:35
Speaker 2: I never wanted to divorce. I came from a family
31:39
Speaker 2: that was divorced. I never wanted done. My brother's sister's
31:41
Speaker 2: so married. So I tried, you know, so, but there's
31:45
Speaker 2: you know, only so much you could do, you know,
31:47
Speaker 2: for the kids. And I feel like, now my kids
31:49
Speaker 2: are older, they get it. They're like, Mom, I understand
31:52
Speaker 2: you know this that and why you made this decision
31:55
Speaker 2: and why you did that. And you know, maybe now
31:57
Speaker 2: that your girls are older, you can have that conversation
31:59
Speaker 2: with them.
32:00
Speaker 3: Yeah, you know, I just just I just interested.
32:02
Speaker 5: It's like my kids have been you know, I mean
32:05
Speaker 5: they've been, you know, very supportive of whatever I've been doing.
32:08
Speaker 3: But I thought that was wild that like people that I.
32:12
Speaker 5: Knew are just like Kelly, just like suck it up
32:15
Speaker 5: and just like find a partner.
32:16
Speaker 3: I'm like, you don't just find a partner like you buy.
32:20
Speaker 1: Like to find your happiness in yourself.
32:22
Speaker 2: Like finding a partner is not going to make you
32:24
Speaker 2: happy or fix your life or fix yourself.
32:26
Speaker 3: So that's but I think a lot of people think
32:28
Speaker 3: that I know, well.
32:29
Speaker 1: A lot of women because they are women.
32:31
Speaker 2: The women that are married, so you have those friends
32:33
Speaker 2: and will give you that kind of advice because I've
32:35
Speaker 2: always been in a relationship. Then you'll have women that
32:37
Speaker 2: never married or they're happily divorced and they're independent, you know,
32:41
Speaker 2: financially and psychologically and emotionally, so they'll give you a
32:44
Speaker 2: different kind of advice.
32:45
Speaker 1: But you have to focus on you, on Kelly, and
32:48
Speaker 1: like what you want.
32:50
Speaker 6: Yeah, this really feeds into the narrative that is old
32:54
Speaker 6: but still is quite ubiquitous, which is the idea that
32:57
Speaker 6: you are undervalued if you aren't in relationship, right, and
33:02
Speaker 6: the fear that is in our sociocultural dynamics around women aging,
33:08
Speaker 6: and so you're right to notice that this messaging doesn't
33:12
Speaker 6: feel good and doesn't resonate. And I think it's incredible
33:15
Speaker 6: that you've been able to stand up in the face
33:17
Speaker 6: of it and sort of say, like, no, I'm gonna
33:19
Speaker 6: I'm going to pick something that resonates. I'm going to
33:21
Speaker 6: wait until I get a version of what I want,
33:25
Speaker 6: which is exactly what you should do.
33:27
Speaker 5: And I think, I mean, there is a lot of
33:29
Speaker 5: fear associated with doing things on your own, by yourself.
33:33
Speaker 5: I mean, whether that's a male or a female. You know,
33:35
Speaker 5: it is so much nicer when you can say there's
33:38
Speaker 5: a pot, we're both putting it in and we're going to.
33:41
Speaker 3: Create and build.
33:42
Speaker 5: You know, I'm building on my own, and there's something
33:45
Speaker 5: very daunting about that.
33:47
Speaker 3: Every day It's like it's.
33:48
Speaker 5: Like I'm not only an entrepreneur in business, but I'm
33:51
Speaker 5: an entrepreneur in my personal life too, which is a
33:54
Speaker 5: very kind of daunting.
33:56
Speaker 3: You know, everyday thought that I have.
34:00
Speaker 2: I don't mean to be negative, I'm just very realistic
34:03
Speaker 2: and pragmatic. I mean, do you really believe you're going
34:05
Speaker 2: to find that person that you can start building it
34:08
Speaker 2: with them. Okay, listen, there's nothing like faith and being
34:11
Speaker 2: positive and optimistic.
34:12
Speaker 3: I'm not, but also that's my mindset.
34:15
Speaker 5: I definitely would love to have something with with you know,
34:19
Speaker 5: my significant other, where we were doing something together and
34:23
Speaker 5: creating like value, not not necessarily monetary value, but like
34:27
Speaker 5: personal value.
34:28
Speaker 3: I think that's really important.
34:30
Speaker 1: Well, yes, personal for sure.
34:32
Speaker 3: Yeah, because I mean we're not gonna have kids. I mean, you.
34:34
Speaker 2: Know, from personal I agree. I think that that's a
34:37
Speaker 2: really woman's you know, goal and wish and dream. You know,
34:40
Speaker 2: we all want that, right, that's what we.
34:41
Speaker 3: Own for Maybe I'm an optimist.
34:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know, and I am too, Like you know,
34:46
Speaker 1: we're in love with love and we want to have that.
34:48
Speaker 3: I'm the only optimist in New York City.
34:52
Speaker 1: I don't know.
34:52
Speaker 2: Well, come to Miami because I feel like I've lost
34:55
Speaker 2: my optimism and I'm super jaded because I live in Miami.
34:58
Speaker 3: So I see you have media, you and doctor Hillary.
35:02
Speaker 6: Yes, I think it's important for us to sort of,
35:06
Speaker 6: in my view, have been brazen normalize what Kelly is
35:10
Speaker 6: talking about, which is formulating a connection with someone through
35:14
Speaker 6: respect and emotional, physical resonance, and a version of safety.
35:20
Speaker 6: These are all like requirements that are more appropriate and
35:24
Speaker 6: more than possible. I don't want to misrepresent the truth.
35:27
Speaker 6: There are many many women of all age ranges that
35:32
Speaker 6: can narrate how difficult that can be. I'm not trying
35:34
Speaker 6: to downplay that truth. And there are a lot of
35:37
Speaker 6: reasons that, not the least of which is that it's
35:40
Speaker 6: tricky to be an emotionally evolves man in our culture
35:44
Speaker 6: because it's both required but round up town, which we
35:46
Speaker 6: can get into if we'd like. But it's hard to
35:50
Speaker 6: find a man that can stand next to you and
35:52
Speaker 6: sort of giving these requirements that you are asking for.
35:55
Speaker 6: Having said that, that kind of connection seems completely reasonable
35:59
Speaker 6: to me, and you're doing such a service right now,
36:02
Speaker 6: which is both pulling back the curtain. I'm like the
36:05
Speaker 6: fear of like doing so much of this alone. It
36:08
Speaker 6: is hard and lonely at moments, it is scary.
36:11
Speaker 5: It is yeah, not at moments. It is hard and
36:14
Speaker 5: lonely period. Yeah, it is not easy. It is not easy.
36:30
Speaker 5: I mean I won a date last night and he
36:31
Speaker 5: said to me, you're so nurturing. He's like, I've never
36:35
Speaker 5: been with a woman that's so nurturing. I'm like, I
36:38
Speaker 5: haven't done anything. I'm just sitting at a restaurant. But
36:42
Speaker 5: you know he was, I was just asking about himself,
36:44
Speaker 5: and I genuinely am interested in like what he's doing
36:47
Speaker 5: and you know how he feels and you know how
36:51
Speaker 5: he's raising his kids. And maybe because of all the
36:54
Speaker 5: work that I've done, not only with a therapist, but
36:57
Speaker 5: just from working on with I Do Part two and
36:59
Speaker 5: just meeting all the amazing women like you know, you
37:01
Speaker 5: Hillary and Alexia and I mean just tons of women
37:05
Speaker 5: and men that I've met. So it's just like I
37:08
Speaker 5: just have a different perspective now than I did.
37:12
Speaker 3: Definitely, you know last summer it's like nine months staying
37:18
Speaker 3: nine months to heal.
37:19
Speaker 2: Well, you know, we're work in progress, you know, so
37:22
Speaker 2: long as we're you know, living and growing and learning,
37:25
Speaker 2: it's it's all good for us.
37:27
Speaker 3: And I want to be a good role model for
37:28
Speaker 3: my kids.
37:29
Speaker 5: And I want to be I know, I'm going to
37:32
Speaker 5: make mistakes, and I really like that Alexia talks about
37:35
Speaker 5: like her mother saying that there's gonna be mistakes and
37:38
Speaker 5: you're gonna have.
37:38
Speaker 3: To watch it. And I really really embrace that.
37:41
Speaker 5: I think it's really important to acknowledge that people are
37:44
Speaker 5: going to make mistakes and that they don't need to
37:46
Speaker 5: be reprimanded or you know, like blamed or shamed because
37:52
Speaker 5: they are not necessarily always doing the right thing at
37:55
Speaker 5: the right time.
37:55
Speaker 3: You know, we're human.
37:57
Speaker 5: I just, you know, it's just been a very interesting
38:00
Speaker 5: road for me, and you know, I really you know,
38:05
Speaker 5: it's been it's been hard to with my girls, like
38:07
Speaker 5: I just want I want everything for them, just like
38:10
Speaker 5: Alexi as mom wanted for her, Like that's what I want,
38:13
Speaker 5: and what Alexi wants for her kids, that's what I
38:16
Speaker 5: want for mine. You know, I just want everyone to
38:17
Speaker 5: be a big, happy family.
38:21
Speaker 6: What had what have been like your most Kelly, you know,
38:24
Speaker 6: sort of critical insights and lessons over the last nine months.
38:28
Speaker 5: Uh to be forgiving of myself and of other people
38:32
Speaker 5: and really genuinely forgiving, not like I forgive, but I'm
38:36
Speaker 5: gonna forget or like all these like you know, kind
38:39
Speaker 5: of like housewives. Not nothing against housewives, Alexei, but like
38:42
Speaker 5: you know, like when you're on Housewives, it's like you
38:44
Speaker 5: have this kind of like you know, this this this
38:47
Speaker 5: verbiage where You're like, I forgive, but I don't forget,
38:50
Speaker 5: but like in my own personal Kelly life, just genuine
38:55
Speaker 5: forgiveness for myself for the decisions that I've made.
39:00
Speaker 2: Yeahs so hard on yourself. I feel like, as women
39:02
Speaker 2: and moms, were always really hard on ourselves.
39:04
Speaker 3: So hard on ourselves, so hard on ourselves.
39:07
Speaker 5: And you know, you know, we've all been through a lot,
39:12
Speaker 5: and we all have these you know, strong narratives and
39:15
Speaker 5: we all want to you know, move forward and you know,
39:18
Speaker 5: be the best version of ourselves.
39:20
Speaker 3: But sometimes it's not always easy. When you know there's a.
39:23
Speaker 5: Clash or there's a conflict, or there's like something that's unexpected,
39:28
Speaker 5: like you know, I mean, howful.
39:31
Speaker 3: And Alexia's her you know, children are crying. I mean
39:35
Speaker 3: that's awful. I was like, that's terrible.
39:37
Speaker 6: I mean, particularly when we have kids in our sphere.
39:40
Speaker 6: Being able to maybe not in real time, but over time,
39:45
Speaker 6: being able to narrate. Yeah, this was whatever the this
39:48
Speaker 6: is this calling off the wedding, you know, this divorce
39:52
Speaker 6: was like tricky and painful and unexpected. And I felt
39:55
Speaker 6: lost in despair and hopeless. And you saw that and
39:58
Speaker 6: you felt that, and that had to be disorienting, but
40:01
Speaker 6: that's like part of being human. And I have gratitude
40:05
Speaker 6: that you were able to witness that. I mean, I
40:07
Speaker 6: wouldn't wish that on me or you, but like it's
40:10
Speaker 6: real to have suffering and pain, and I want you
40:13
Speaker 6: to see that part of that is sitting in the mess,
40:16
Speaker 6: being still with tricky feelings, not knowing which way to go,
40:20
Speaker 6: being destabilized, being disoriented, and then climbing your way out.
40:23
Speaker 6: And I think, particularly as women, we feel like this
40:26
Speaker 6: primitive edict to model some version of like perfection or
40:30
Speaker 6: chronic emotional regulation in front of our kids, and it's
40:33
Speaker 6: not really a thing, And in fact, we're depriving them
40:36
Speaker 6: of having a role model to like, oh, this is
40:38
Speaker 6: what it looks like when things get tricky, This is
40:41
Speaker 6: what it looks like when things are hard. Mom does
40:43
Speaker 6: get sad, Mom does cry, and mom does make the
40:46
Speaker 6: wrong decision. But what happens next She comes back, She
40:49
Speaker 6: narrates it, She makes it less confusing by telling me
40:52
Speaker 6: what happened. She gives me insight into how she's reconceptualizing
40:56
Speaker 6: it and showing up different. That's what more can we
40:59
Speaker 6: give to our kids, other than wishing that their lives
41:01
Speaker 6: would be perfect. No such thing.
41:03
Speaker 5: I love what you just said, showing up different after
41:07
Speaker 5: being communicative.
41:08
Speaker 3: I mean that is so doctor, Hell are your genius.
41:16
Speaker 3: She's like in my spare.
41:17
Speaker 6: Time gift we can give our kids save some like
41:23
Speaker 6: you know, notion that we can make things not complicated
41:26
Speaker 6: for them, since we know that's not a thing that
41:28
Speaker 6: is that is our mission, and it relieves us of
41:32
Speaker 6: the notion that we somehow can't be messy in front
41:35
Speaker 6: of our kids. Yeah we can, and we should call
41:37
Speaker 6: it out, raise our hand and said you see it,
41:39
Speaker 6: you saw it, and here's what I've done about it.
41:41
Speaker 2: M I love that.
41:43
Speaker 5: Okay, So I have two You asked me about what
41:45
Speaker 5: was the one thing. So the one is forgiveness and
41:48
Speaker 5: the two is just being accountable, personally accountable. So when
41:52
Speaker 5: anyone asks me, whether that's you know, on our podcasts
41:57
Speaker 5: or in general, I always talk about my responsibility for
42:02
Speaker 5: what I've done or how I've reacted and what I'm
42:07
Speaker 5: doing to be proactive about moving forward with my own
42:12
Speaker 5: new narrative.
42:13
Speaker 3: And uh, you know, it takes a lot of guts
42:17
Speaker 3: to do that.
42:17
Speaker 5: To be honest with you too, I mean you have
42:18
Speaker 5: to remember, like it's not like I'm like with someone.
42:21
Speaker 5: I'm still single and I'm you know, still open to
42:27
Speaker 5: being accountable and being like, Okay, I did some really
42:31
Speaker 5: you know, stupid things myself, but I know that there's
42:35
Speaker 5: more to come, and I think.
42:37
Speaker 3: That all of that.
42:38
Speaker 5: I think that just like being able to articulate that,
42:42
Speaker 5: whether that's you know, here or just with friends, has really.
42:47
Speaker 3: Opened me up.
42:48
Speaker 5: And you said that a couple of times, doctor Hillary,
42:50
Speaker 5: about really being open up, like giving yourself space for
42:54
Speaker 5: all of those new feelings, those new people, those new
42:58
Speaker 5: new relationships.
43:00
Speaker 3: That's just really, really, really very important for me.
43:05
Speaker 6: Yeah, And here's an unexpected paradox which you're describing, which
43:08
Speaker 6: is accountability ultimately equals empowerment, an intense feeling of empowerment.
43:14
Speaker 6: Right to say the thing I did that I showed
43:18
Speaker 6: up in a way I didn't feel. It's niberating, and
43:21
Speaker 6: it's compelling to other people. Nine times out of ten,
43:25
Speaker 6: if not more, people are going to be compelled by
43:27
Speaker 6: it and find you interesting and to find that story
43:30
Speaker 6: to be inspiring. Right, the notion that like I own
43:35
Speaker 6: how I move through the world when it's powerful and
43:37
Speaker 6: amazing and when it didn't work and so I imagine
43:41
Speaker 6: that it over like. That's part of why these nine
43:44
Speaker 6: months had been a growth season for you is because
43:48
Speaker 6: it starts to curate a version of like expansiveness and
43:51
Speaker 6: possibility and like a sense of power and two things
43:55
Speaker 6: can be true at the same time. All of that
43:57
Speaker 6: can be happening for you, and you can still want
44:00
Speaker 6: a partner to have intimacy and connection.
44:03
Speaker 4: Right.
44:03
Speaker 3: Thank you so much, doctor Hillary.
44:06
Speaker 5: Thank you, Alexi. This has been unbelievable. Your insight is
44:11
Speaker 5: so powerful, Alexia. You are such an open force of nature,
44:16
Speaker 5: and I'm so happy that I've gotten to know you better.
44:19
Speaker 3: Thank you, Thank you, Thank you guys.
44:21
Speaker 1: No, thank you, thank you, doctor Hillary.
44:24
Speaker 6: Thank you so much.
44:25
Speaker 3: Are you a single parent navigating dating post divorce? Maybe
44:29
Speaker 3: you got teenaged at home and it hasn't been easy.
44:32
Speaker 5: But we are here to help. Call us or email us,
44:36
Speaker 5: follow us on socials. All the information will be in
44:39
Speaker 5: the show notes. Make sure to rate and review the
44:42
Speaker 5: podcast I Do Part two, an iHeartRadio podcast.
44:47
Speaker 3: We're falling in Love is the main objective