Latest / Messy Minded Mama / Episode 24 - Motherhood: Completely Unhinged

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Episode 24 - Motherhood: Completely Unhinged · Messy Minded Mama

• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Messy Minded Mama, a podcast for moms who look managed but might feel a bit messy on the inside.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Kate and I'm Jen.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: And we are here creating space for real talk about motherhood, mental health, and the invisible load so many women carry.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to Messy Minded Mama.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Today you just get Kate and I back together again in between some of our guest episodes.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: So today it's really just about having a little bit of fun, right, Kate?
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, we have no educational objective today.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: There is not really expert advice today, no five-step strategy for becoming calmer or more organized.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: It actually just might make you feel less alone to hear some of the things that we're talking about today.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I feel like Kate and I typically just like in our natural conversations, we reminisce about some of just like the completely unhinged moments that we have as moms.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Some of the weird stuff, right?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Like motherhood has all the beautiful things, but it has some really weird things in it.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: And often when we're just chit-chatting as friends, that is what comes into our conversations.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: And today we're just bringing it to all of you.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it's going to be a lot of fun and hopefully, yeah, allow you out there to maybe feel seen in any of your unhinged moments as well.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: So what happens when two moms stop filtering themselves?
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that we purposely didn't tell each other a whole lot of what we were talking about in this episode.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: So there's a very good chance you will all be learning about me and Jen right alongside us learning about each other a little bit.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: But it's really just like the things that we think, or the things that we say, or the things that we do that would probably sound a little insane to someone who's not in parenthood, or that we're like, oh my gosh, did I really just have that thought?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Or did I really just say that to my kid?
• 2:14
  unknown: Yep.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: So we're excited to just kind of throw it on out there for you guys.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's a lighter episode this week.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: And a real one, right?
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: I think we always like want to pride ourselves in this space of keeping things real and keeping things honest.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: And today I have a feeling it's gonna be like the most real.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like we've probably been able to show up so far.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_01: So it'll be fun.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm excited.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think first topic that we had planned was the things that we say that might sound insane.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I swear, I swear that half of parenting is hearing a sentence come out of your mouth and then thinking, oh my god, why did that even need to be said?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Completely.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: I think for to start, so the number one thing that I think about when I think about this is something that's been said in my house from very early years still to today, with a just new six-year-old and almost eight-year-old.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: And that number one thing is please don't put that in your mouth.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, why at why from early, early babies to the ages of six and almost eight, does everything still go in my children's mouths?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: I do not understand.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, Brent's the same way, like as a baby.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: She I, you know, there's always like, oh, babies will put the little things in their mouth.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's curiosity, all the she didn't do it as a baby, okay, but at almost eight, everything.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: She's chewing on everything.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh my gosh, stop putting it in your mouth, stop putting it in your mouth, stop putting in your mouth.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: And with my youngest, it's stop licking that.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like everything.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like this morning, I got a nice face lick.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: So gross.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: It is so gross.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, why?
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: And what prompts them?
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: What like inspired these children to like think to be doing that?
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_01: I have no clue.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Same.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: I it's that and one of the things for our house is please put your pants on.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like my kids have this at home, it's fine, right?
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: They walk in the door, pants off, which is fine.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we're home, whatever.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is they started doing it in other people's houses.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: And not so much Bryn anymore.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Like, as they have gotten older, they're they're not doing it.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: But as kids, yeah, like toddler kids, we would walk into somebody's house and it'd be like, boom.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And like, no, no, no, we have to wear pants.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, totally.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh, I feel that so much.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Even with like with the boy-girl combo in my house, I'm like trying to figure out, okay, they're at this age where it's like, you know, privacy.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: We've been talking to them a long time about privacy, but it's like, Elle will get ready for just to like take a bath or do something, and she'll go get undressed in one place, and then she'll just be like walking around before she actually goes to the bath.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, Well, what do you need?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: And why are we just like, oh, what are we doing?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but suppose on if you're gonna be walking around the house, what is happening?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: So privacy is something we're still like fighting really hard to like get them to understand and get them to like actually listen to.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And again, with you know, when you get to that age and you have the boy-girl combo, it's like it becomes important, I think, to be able to try to do that the best you can.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's hard though.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's you know, you're trying to teach them in the age-appropriate way, yes, but also like there's comedy in it.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, Yes, and I'm like, we're a family, we're all in this house together, right?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like there are worse things for sure.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: But it's like, yeah, just those little things that like cross your mind, which will, I'm sure, get to like the mental load of the things we think about as moms, but that's one that comes to mind too.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: Always just you know, stripping down no matter where you are.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are, yeah.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I get it.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I I get wanting to be comfy and yeah, you know, just in our house, it's different than someone else's house.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, totally.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Uh the other thing I like, I don't know about you, I I have never wanted to change my name, which by name I mean mom, because it will be mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even have a chance to say what.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And they just keep saying it.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, wow, like why?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: And so I have I saw this on Instagram or TikTok or some doom scroll, I'm sure.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: But it was like, from now on, you have to call me cash money, or from now on, for the next five minutes, you have to call me, and it's something else.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like we, I don't know, my kids call I'm gonna even butcher this, but it looks like a baby Yoda from Star Wars.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, it has a different name, but I don't know what it is.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: My kids call it Green Joe for for whatever reason.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh one of our other friends' kids started calling it that, so my kids took that on and it's Green Joe.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes I'll say, from now on, you have to call me Green Joe.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: From now on, you have to call me, and it actually makes them pause a little bit.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: But I have never thought I would have to tell another person to call me a different name just because I needed a break from hearing my own.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Needed a break.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think what you just said of like you don't even get a chance to say what in between like the continuous ask of you.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, no, can we just please take a minute, slow down?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: It reminds me of the the Jessica trend that was going around for a while where like the kids throwing a tantrum and you just like randomly yell out a name, and it's like, oh my gosh, so funny because it works.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: It's like they pause and they're just like, What?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong with mom?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: It's like the more insane fleaks sometimes, I think the more calm our kids actually can get because they're so confused by it.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: I remember we did a thing with Bryn when she was younger, where when she would cry, and it was like, you and I are both therapists, we believe in people feeling their feelings, all of that.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes the cry over like me saying, like, we can have a lollipop after our shoes are on, or like I'm like, I'm you're still getting what you want.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm so confused.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that cry is like nails on a chalkboard.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so we did this thing where she would start throwing a tantrum crying, and I'd be like, Okay, mom's turn.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And then I would like fate crypto and be like, you know, and then I'd be like, okay, Rin's turn again.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: She's like, What?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: What are you doing?
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Why are you crying?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: But it got her to like have space.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, it's your turn, you can still feel it.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but it also made her kind of reflect a bit of like, why are we doing this?
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: I need to find a creative way to do that with the whining because like the crying is like less and less now to get something and the tantrums in that way, but just like the whining voice or like the tattletelling on each other, and it's like, yeah, how do you get that to stop and be able to do that and use like some distraction technique that feels healthy and appropriate to be able to do that?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the fighting is so bad.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I don't know if I just blocked out parts of my childhood of fighting with my siblings or if my kids really just fight more.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: But I the amount of times I have said out loud, don't look at each other, don't breathe in each other's direction, don't acknowledge each other, just like look out your own windows.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's always when I'm driving.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Look out your own windows and like leave each other alone.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: I agree, but isn't it because we're like always in the car?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_01: Like we're always going from one place to the next.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like if something's gonna happen, it's gonna be in the car.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: We as moms are gonna have no escape if it's like trying to get our kids to yes, stop touching each other in the backseat, like leave each other alone, mind your own business.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'll usually just like put on a song and just like crank up like some song that I know they'll they'll listen to, maybe they'll sing along and just use that as like uh okay.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: We all just need to respectfully shut up in this moment.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: I have fully pulled the car over and gotten out for your own mental health, yes, for your own breather.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: I have I have physically gotten out and I'll never forget.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh, we were coming back from Castle Rock, I think, and they were just at each other nonstop.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I had Taylor with me, and we pulled the car over, and I made them get out and sit on the curb of like some shopping center and just sit there for like 10 minutes, which was like for them, you would have thought it was like a crime to be like get out of the car and sit on this curb.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they were fine, they were supervised, the weather was fine, but they had to physically get out of the car and sit in silence on a curb, and it delayed us going home, and like that worked, like they were so calm the rest of the drive home.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, but I I could not take it anymore.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, which I I don't know about you, I never thought that that would be a part of parenting.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: For sure not.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um like I yes, you just picture like peace and joy, right?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think like that's like these are very unhinged, like not realistic expectations for us.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh the delusions, yes, totally.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I am still I've learned a lot, but I am still so delusional at times.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_01: So it's like, where is this coming from?
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: What's something you've said recently where immediately after you're like, what is my life?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I think it's like these empty threats of just like, if you don't put your shoes away, I'm gonna throw them all away.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm not gonna throw any of my kids' shoes in the trash.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: We need those every single day.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: But it's just like when I get so frustrated with something constantly not being like put in its said location or even just like out of sight for me.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even honestly care where it lives in their room, it just needs to be like out of the open space.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: And then the threat to me automatically goes to like I'm gonna throw it in the trash.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's like why?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: No, that's not even true, and they know that's not true.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't work.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: I like that, but it's it right.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're like there has to be something to like motivate it.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_01: Or they just laugh and then they do what I say, so it still works at the end of the day.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, it's still working, it's fine.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, how about for you?
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, I honestly I just feel like a malfunctioning Alexa, like all the time.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm like, please get your water.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: No, your water.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Where's your coat?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Why did you take your shoes back off?
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's like constant direction.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, when you like ask Alexa to play a song and it's the wrong song, or they're like malfunctioning and like give you the wrong information, and you're like, where did that come from?
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: That is what I feel like my life is is that I am just a malfunctioning Alexa all the time.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: That's oh my god, that's so relatable.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's like the amount of times that I ask my son in particular to do something, and he just he's not there, and especially in the mornings.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: He's he's not home, he is somewhere else.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm like, every day it's like the same thing.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: We need backpack, water bottle, lunchbox.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like, seems simple to get those like three things put together.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: And the amount of times I'll ask and be like, don't forget, like when you leave the kitchen, bring it with you.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Come on, and then he'll walk away.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just like grabbing my head like in this repeated disbelief every single day.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how do I have to say this three times again?
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I 100% I have often found myself, and and I think this goes into the next part of like things we think but don't always say, right?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: Of like, is it ADD and ADHD, or is it truly they're just four and almost eight?
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's an intention, which is a normal part of childhood.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, and there's also enough times that I'm like, wait a second, how did me saying, Can you put your shoes on go to a half-filled water bottle, beads all over the floor, crayons are laying out, and there's a half-eaten snack on the couch, but yet the shoes are still not on.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: I agree.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I think yeah, there's times when I'm like, you know, I think I'm good about like giving my kids grace, and like I don't mind asking most of the time, two or three times.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like that is just like an expectation in motherhood that I have like grown to like accept that they need some reminders, but yeah, then there's other times that it's like, but do they?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, do they really?
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: Why am I doing this again?
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: Why are they moving so slow?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: Last night Elle was like, I'm a sloth, and she was like intentionally calling out her slow movement, and I was like, Yes, you are, you both are when I need you to not see sloths.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Can we be a cheetah right now?
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: Can we just like pick it up a little bit?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Just to see and in this moment, we don't allow sloths here right now.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: I need something else to show up.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: She'll be like, okay, a turtle.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I was like, the fact, like in that moment, it's not in attention, it's like full awareness of what she's doing and who she's getting.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, so I'm like, okay, there's there's definitely a balance here of both.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, I it's it's so hard.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I think there's things I I not think I know there are things that go in my brain that I don't say out loud, and it's what I have to say out loud, but what's inside are like they're just wildly different.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like my kids fight over toys all the time, which is just crazy to me.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: About like they could not care about a toy until their sister has it.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so outwardly I have to be like, oh, let's try to figure this out.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then on the inside, I'm like, I truly do not care who had this toy first.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just need you to stop fighting about it.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like I legitimately don't care, and it's now taking up brain space of how to figure out how this toy first or how we how we move away from this dynamic of like, can we take turns?
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: And then when we go to take turns, they talk, they go to Alexa.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, not not the malfunctioning Alexa of me, but the actual Alexa, and ask it to set timers for like one minute.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, that is not long enough to give someone but whatever, like they're they're trying, like that's their way of trying to solve it, and it doesn't always make it better, but at least they're trying, I guess.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like I have the hardest time like staying out of those, and just like I'm trying to teach myself like more patience with just like staying quiet and letting them like work through it until it comes to a point of like, okay, they're it's not working, but I'm like, I'm trying to practice that a little bit more and just like all the things that I am thinking right now, like, how do I keep that in my brain and not have it come out for as long as I can?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_01: And that's a hard thing to practice as a mom.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's I feel like there's like therapist me and mom me that like really butt head sometimes of like you know, with with the like the meltdowns and the and the crying or the tantrums that like I for me, what's happening doesn't seem a perfect example, it doesn't seem like this big thing.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I came home with an envelope yesterday and it had like a thing in it from school, like just a little saying or a picture or something.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: I opened the envelope, it had already been opened.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't like break the sale, it had already been opened.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh, what's this in her bag?
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna open it.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: She cried for 22 minutes.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: I timed it yesterday because I had opened an envelope.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: I put the thing back in the envelope, I apologized, I she screamed, cried, and I'm like, okay, on the therapist side, right?
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: She's dysregulated.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: I need to connect before I redirect all of those things.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: And mommy is like, I connected, I redirected, I've connected again.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like, we gotta stop.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like now I am extremely overwhelmed and disregulated.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm like, oh my god.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: I guess.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why are we still crying about this?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_01: I think those are the hardest moments too, to like be in tune to their feelings, acknowledge them, let them happen.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: But so, like what it does to us internally and how we manage our own feelings through that, too.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, oh my gosh, let's let it go.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, not a big deal.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I just want to say, dude, come on.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: And like it's not that they can't be upset.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they can be upset.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Totally.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: They should be.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's part of being a kid of figuring out how to regulate.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes I just I'm trying.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, well, and there's like a cap of what we can like tolerate at times, right?
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_01: Of like, okay, we've let this go for 10 minutes, and now it's spilling over into this, like, okay, this is enough, right?
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, those are really hard moments to still try to allow them to manage through it on their own in their own way, but not feel like totally overwhelmed and depleted yourself.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think a lot of for that one, it's right after school, which tends to be kind of like the wit the witching hour, right?
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: It used to be like six to seven-ish.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: And now for Sawyer, it's right after school because in preschool she got like a two-hour nap, and now she gets 30 minutes, and that's been really hard for her.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: So she's extra tired, which then means the emotions are sitting a little more surface level.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: And it's the end of my day.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: So my emotions are sitting a little more surface level, but totally.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: That totally brings me to one of the things I had thought of for this was I always think like, oh, they're tired, they're tired.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: And I always want to say, like, oh, I think you're just tired, and like say that out loud.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_01: And I learned a long time ago that that is not gonna help them or me.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: It only makes a tantrum worse, right?
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: It only makes like the big feelings bigger.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I cannot tell them, oh, I think you're just tired, because then it turns into this, I'm not tired argument.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_01: And they're gonna fight about being tired.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: Right.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I just internally need to acknowledge that this is why there's bigger feelings and emotions right now.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's because they are, yes, exhausted at night, or like you said, this like witching hour after school.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_01: We have it in my house too, where they are just done for a minute, right?
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_01: They just need that little bit of reset before we head into our evening.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like just meeting them where they're at, but not telling them what they are in those moments because it's not gonna go well.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I keep that, I do not say that out loud anymore.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_01: I keep that to myself and figure out how to manage around.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I was if I was having big feelings, which like I do, I'm human.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, emotion makes us human.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: If I was having big feelings and someone said, Oh, I think you're just tired, I would say some choice words.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, excuse you.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_01: I think I'd be like, Well, no shit, I'm tired.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like, of course, I'm acting this way for a reason.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, you calling it out.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's like when Tyler tells me, or you He has learned long ago not to say this to me, but if he tells me to calm down, I'm gonna lose it on him.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like I cannot handle it.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, you're totally right.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_00: No woman in the history of women has ever calmed down because someone has told her to.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: No, no.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_01: We're like, don't be so anxious about this.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh, okay.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't actually think that I could just control that right now, right?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, yeah.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_01: So same with kids.
• 22:25
  SPEAKER_01: It does not work to tell them how they're feeling or what we think that they are.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_01: They we just need to manage it in different ways.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I I agree wholeheartedly.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: I think some of that goes into like the the mental load too of you are managing 47 browser tabs.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: And and we've said this before the 47 browser tabs, that number, I think we always come back to 47 for some reason.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually don't know why, but that number just is the one that I always say.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it feels very accurate right now.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_01: I think do you want all 47?
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: Because I can give you a month.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_01: There are 47 open.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_00: I think there are.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: I really I think if you were to look at my computer screen right now, it reflects my brain, sadly.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but the 47 brush tags, and not every single one is important.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the part that we don't always think about when we're thinking about the mental load.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, the mental load are important things that I have to do, and it's task-oriented.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: And that's true, it is those things, but also some of them are not important.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what did my kids say three days ago?
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes that lives in my brain as a browser tab, even though there's no relevance of why I might need to be cycling through that.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, I agree.
• 23:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'm still have like feels about poor Jack this morning.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's picture day at school.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: He wanted to get like do his hair a certain way, and it just like wasn't working.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_01: And I could just see it on his face of like he was like upset that his hair wasn't turning out.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, that is it is now, you know, almost 11 o'clock.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_01: So that was at 7 a.m.
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_01: And like those little things are still occupying like time and space in my brain today, along with like everything else.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm sure he's moved on and passed it, or at least I hope he has.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_01: But that's sticking with me.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's it's if you were to do a brain dump inside our brain right now, it would be I don't, I don't even know that I could verbalize it, but did I respond to that person?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening at the barn?
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: What does the horse need?
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: What day is gymnastics?
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: What day is it today?
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: What's for dinner?
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: Do I even have food for dinner?
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_00: I need five more clients.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: I need to finish that training.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: I need to read my book.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: Did I respond to that email?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: On and on and on.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_00: That just lives there, cycling.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: All the time.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 24:47
  SPEAKER_01: What do I want for dinner?
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_01: Do I have the stuff for dinner?
• 24:49
  SPEAKER_01: Do I even care about that for dinner?
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna order takeout.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I quickly like take myself through like on one topic.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'll jump around to like five different things quickly and then eventually go back to like, okay, I should probably actually think about dinner and buy things for dinner and make dinner.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: So yes, it's like one topic outside of like, you know, 25 others.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's insane.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: I've also found I will pick up my phone to Google something or to look something up, and I will 20 minutes later be Googling something completely different than what I intended when I started the Google.
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because I will be like, oh, I should look this up, and then I forget it.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: I have been trying because this seems to be a theme for me where these thoughts will come in at really inconvenient times where I can't do something about it.
• 25:41
  SPEAKER_00: I can't remember what it is later.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be like, oh, I need to remember to tell so and so this or do this.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_00: I actually, which is helpful and not all at the same time.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: In my phone on the notes app, I've started just making lists of the thoughts as they come so that I don't have to try to remember.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is, is I now have 47 notes in my notes app because I just start a new one instead of going back to the old ones.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_01: With no priority, no primer reason, right?
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_01: I but I love that I think it's helpful in some ways to be able to not have to rack your brain for five minutes trying to think about what was that thought from earlier.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_01: At least you have like a place you can go to search.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: I just scroll through the notes.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my gosh.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I hear you.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_01: I came back from school this morning, drop off with just like this very intentional plan of like what I was gonna get done.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_01: And I found myself on my phone with the intent to like start one of them and just got I'm very distractable.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: I got lost in something else.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, 20 minutes later, I was like, okay, that I need to get back on track, but it takes a while to like even realize I'm off track.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's not working well.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: The distractibility, I feel that the distractibility.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: I also think some of what goes into the mental load that I don't know that is talked about enough.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: You did like a Friday funny about it, I think, of like being the keeper of the information, right?
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like I may not, I think it was I may not be the glue of the family, but I'm the only one that knows where the glue is.
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, totally like that whole idea of like, hey, what time is blah blah blah?
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I might know, but internally I want to be like, I don't know.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I do know.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't want to be the one that knows it.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm tired of knowing.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, yeah.
• 27:31
  SPEAKER_01: I think depending on what time of day you come at me with these questions, you may get the honest answer, or you may get this like you figure it out, the mindset, right?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_01: Like why I'm done.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_01: I am I am capped, I am maxed out.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_01: I do not have any more to give right now.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, so if you want the real answer, you better ask during like the sweet spot, right?
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, that's the middle of the day for me.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, same, yeah, yeah, but yeah, not too late middle of the day.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like it has to be when, yes, when I still have energy to give.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_01: Like I hit 2 p.m.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_01: and I'm like, I'm just ready for a break, you know?
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: There's like what is it, the morning, morning bird or whatever, and then a night owl.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I saw something that was like, I'm a middle of the day pigeon, and I've never resonated with something more in my life.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, good to know.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: Does Taylor know that about you?
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Middle of the day pigeon.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: He does.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_00: The problem is with his schedule, doesn't work.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: He cannot he cannot speak to the best middle of the day me because that's his like he's like he doesn't multitask well.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: He doesn't do the 47 browsers, he's like one, and this is it, and this is what I'm focused on, which I sometimes envy about him and also find it really annoying sometimes because I can multitask.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um sometimes well, sometimes not, but he cannot.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: So uh a lot of like I was able to call him, I think it was right at nine.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: I had just finished drop off, and we were able to have like a short conversation, but I could tell he was like trying to be in it with me.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: But he was like, I really actually want to get back to the city after it.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, totally.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_01: I know I feel the same for Tyler.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I try my hardest not to like interrupt his day, but it is, you're right.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm probably middle of the day pigeon as well.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, this is the time when I can show up the best, or when I really want to like communicate with him and get all these things out so we don't have to do it when the kids are home, or we don't have to do it at bedtime, right?
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but yeah, I try very hard not to like interrupt his workday if I can help myself.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think it's hard too with the schedules you and I have, yeah, and some of the flexibility and freedoms that you and I have within our schedules compared to theirs.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's really hard.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: I know Taylor leaves early in the morning and Tyler does too.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I don't want to communicate about that stuff early in the morning.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still trying to wake up, yeah.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_00: And then in the evening, it's like dinner and activities, and that's when Taylor wants to talk about all the stuff, but I actually am tired of talking about stuff by the end of the night.
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, because and it's not even talking with him, I'm just tired at by the end of the day, and then it's like okay, bedtime, and then it's like, but I want to read my book, and he wants to do his thing, and so where do we have these conversations?
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: And that's I think a whole separate episode um that we were gonna do of like marriage catch up because we had the two episodes with Tyler and Taylor, and then kind of like our take from those, but yeah, totally anyway.
• 30:43
  SPEAKER_00: That was a whole distractability, whole digress.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's where we're at today.
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_01: We're just like putting it all out there, right?
• 30:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I love it.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I want to know if you had to think of just like I don't know, two to three things that are on your mom brain right now that you feel like are just like completely unnecessary and that they're occupying time and space.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_01: So, what would those be?
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so one of them is that my husband called me a librarian because of the stack of books that I have sitting in front of me that I need to read.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: He literally called me from the basement yesterday as I was upstairs and said, Do you have a new side gig?
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because you have an influx of books sitting on your desk.
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: So that has been living in my brain rent-free.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, I love it so much.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then I don't know, I think there's also just like like the scheduling for this weekend is like living in there because it's kind of busy and hectic a little bit.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: So that's been living in there, and then um we got a horse and she has her first vet appointment today, yeah, which like I'm weirdly nervous about for something.
• 31:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's a checkup for a horse.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, like it's fine.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, but yeah, but you have this new thing in your life that you're caring about and responsible for, and you want to make sure it goes well, right?
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, what was I thinking?
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just kidding.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: She's lovely and I'm very excited, but yeah, yeah.
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_01: What about you?
• 32:11
  SPEAKER_01: What are your three okay?
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_01: Mine are like Halloween costumes.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_01: Jack wants to be a football player.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_01: Finding a cheap costume football helmet is like way harder than I thought it would be for some reason.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_01: Marketplace.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe someone's selling one on marketplace.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I was gonna try like a free site.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_01: I'm in search of a costume, a football helmet.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't want to spend.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, he already has a jersey.
• 32:35
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, do some black face paint.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, this is gonna be the easiest costume, and now it's turning into this bigger than I need it to be, so it's occupying way too much space in my brain.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, birthday party, his birthday's in November, birthday party planning always.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: We move from Els to Jack's, and I'm like, Jack, we can't talk about yours till L's is over.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_01: And now hers was last weekend, and now we're moving into Jack's.
• 32:55
  SPEAKER_01: And then, okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but I have been focusing all morning on what they're gonna wear for Thanksgiving.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_01: I always want to get like a nice fall family photo and I'm and I want us to be coordinated.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, what should really be living in my brain today is my to-do lists, both personally and professionally.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_01: And instead, I'm jumping to like when's Thanksgiving, like November 27th or something.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_01: Like, why am I and not even like Thanksgiving meal, what they're gonna wear?
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_01: What like why is this living in my brain today?
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_01: But that was occupying too much time and space, and I just need to do it all and get it out.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: The birthday party has been living in my head because Bryn picked her theme and activity, and I have feelings.
• 33:54
  SPEAKER_00: So she wants everyone, I know she wants everyone to wear like cowboy hats and boots and like horse western theme decorations, but then she wants spa activities like manny petties and facials.
• 34:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I don't even know how to make an invitation for this.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_01: I do not either, but I love like she just she's a girl who knows what she wants, and that is what matters at the end of the day.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: So that should probably be taking up space, but I've like pushed it away because my brain is having a hard time with it.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, it's too overwhelming, right?
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like, yes, that's the thing.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's like anything that really should get done right now, if it's too overwhelming, it just like I just push it aside for a little bit.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I can't, I can't focus on more fun, easier things, I think.
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I want to know what what is your mom confession?
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is something that like pre-mom you might be like, what you're doing?
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: Or we would never do, but you actually do.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what is what is like a mom confession?
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: Unhinged, unfiltered.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, these might not be like that unhinged.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_01: I think maybe one is, one isn't.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_01: I have two.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_01: My like one guilty pleasure for me is Oreos.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I never I didn't know that about myself years ago.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I've never I don't buy Oreos regularly, but the kids really love them.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_01: So once in a while, we will just like I'll grab the Oreos at the store.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_01: But then I can't stop myself from eating them like right when I wake up in the morning.
• 35:38
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm the mom that's hiding in the pantry, sneaking an Oreo in between like grabbing, making lunches and getting the kids breakfast.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_01: Something about an Oreo first thing in the morning for me.
• 35:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like Oreos are like hard to hide, like they're like stuck in your teeth, they're just like you're talking and you have an Oreo in your mouth.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's very clear, like what you're doing.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_01: And this is my like how where did how did I get here?
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_01: How am I just this mom hiding in my pantry eating Oreos at 6 30 in the morning?
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_01: It's uh it is a little unhinged, I think.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: I do love that though.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: You're the mom hiding in the pantry with the snacks, yes, and not just any snack, Kate.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: Oreos.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: Have you seen the like Oreo gate on Instagram and TikTok stuff?
• 36:23
  SPEAKER_00: No, I don't know if it's real, not real.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: But there is this like group chat of moms from a school where one mom is like, who sent their kid to school with Oreos?
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, who sent their kid to school with Oreos?
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because we don't allow Oreos and stop sending your Oreos with your kid to school, and the other moms are like, I won't be doing that, and then it escalates, like it goes to the principal, and I was watching, like I was reading like this supposed group chat.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: Again, don't know if it's real, not real.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, who's to say?
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I was just like, wow, like that's taking up their mental space, Oreos and yours.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yep, totally, just very differently.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, and I am the mom sending them to school.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_01: So if anyone has a problem with that, my kids, we love Oreos and we I don't buy them all the time, but when we have them, we are fully eating them.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_01: We are breathing.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: There will be no Oreo gate for you.
• 37:23
  SPEAKER_00: Totally.
• 37:25
  SPEAKER_00: I have another one, but what's one of yours?
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: Oh man, this one I have make I have so many feelings about saying out loud.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: I hate pretend play.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I am not a sit-on-the-floor and play Barbies or play pretend kind of thing.
• 37:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um I legitimately hate it.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not wired for it.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_00: I love doing things with my kids.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: I want to go somewhere.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: I want to go do a craft.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want to go play an actual game or bait.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: But please do not hand me a Barbie and assign me a character.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's not, and here's the thing that bothers me the most about it.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's not even it's not even pretend play.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: There's a script.
• 38:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's like, oh mom, you're Barbie's mom.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, okay, I'm trying.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: I try.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: I try to play Barbie's.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: I try to play pretend and then I'll say something.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_00: No, pretend she says this, and I'll say it.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: And then no, not like that.
• 38:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, why am I here?
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do you need me for this?
• 38:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like you've passed, you've passed it all.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're directing it.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like my performance is consistently disappointing.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you do it.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: So not only do I not like doing it, but when I do try, I'm doing it wrong.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so I've just like, I try so hard to do it because I know it's important to them.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I will be like, okay, I can five minutes, I can put my phone away, try to put distractions away because I will find any reason to disengage from it, which I don't feel like is fair.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_00: But then to tell me I'm doing it wrong, it's like as soon as I'm told that I'm walking away.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_00: I hate it.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I playing pretend is just like the bane of my existence.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel really awful saying that because I feel like as pre-mom or like early mom days, like you're like, oh, we can play Barbies and we can play toys and blah blah blah.
• 39:31
  SPEAKER_00: I hate it.
• 39:32
  unknown: Yeah.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I okay, do not feel awful about this.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_01: You are not alone.
• 39:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think there is, I think we need to normalize that it is okay to not want to show up in certain ways for our kids and not feel the pressure to have to.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_01: I second that.
• 39:47
  SPEAKER_01: I don't love it either.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'll do it like you said, I'll give a little bit of time.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_01: But in my mind, I'm always thinking, this is why I had two of you.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_01: You are supposed to be doing this together.
• 39:59
  SPEAKER_01: Like I have thankfully been able to build this beautiful little family with two children and built-in best friends.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_01: And I always say, like, you have a built-in best friend, you can just build together or play by yourself independently and do this.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_01: But no, I do not always need to take on the role of doing this with you.
• 40:16
  SPEAKER_01: And yeah, does guilt follow sometimes?
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, we're human, but yeah, the things that we need to say out loud, sometimes we just need to air it out and feel okay about it.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I just like I can't.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: I had a I have an easier time if it's like we're gonna play restaurant and I'm ordering food and I'm interacting with my kid.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 40:35
  SPEAKER_00: But to narrate a character, I yeah, I am not that it's not it's not my thing.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yes.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_01: If you want to be the doctor and you want to come use these things to like, you know, listen to my heart and do the things, I will sit there and you can do that all day if you want to.
• 40:53
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, don't make me play the other part of it.
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, please don't.
• 40:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's um I'm not an improv theater mom.
• 41:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's just not me.
• 41:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, what's your other one?
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, I have a guilty one as well that's hard to say out loud.
• 41:07
  SPEAKER_01: I despise reading bedtime stories, which I feel like is such this expectation of being a parent in general, is like, I know we need to read in our house.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_01: I want my kids to love reading more than I do because I don't, I'm not a big reader.
• 41:26
  SPEAKER_01: I don't love sitting down with books.
• 41:28
  SPEAKER_01: I used to, I kind of lost that passion for it, at least for a while.
• 41:32
  SPEAKER_01: I want my kids to like have that, and I fully understand the way to build that is curate this setting that they enjoy reading and that I'm a part of it.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_01: So I have just acknowledged it for what it is.
• 41:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't have the energy left in me at bedtime to do this.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_01: I'm fortunate to be home with my kids after school right now, and I just had this conversation with them actually yesterday of what do you guys think about moving up our story time to right after school?
• 42:01
  SPEAKER_01: We come home, we have a snack, we read together for 20, 30 minutes, and then move on with our night, playing, doing whatever else we want.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_01: And if they still want to read a bedtime, they're both, you know, Jack's a pretty strong reader.
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_01: Elle's getting there.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_01: They can grab the books that they know they enjoy and they can read on their own.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_01: But like, I am trying to like give myself permission to not be a part of that, not feel guilty about it.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_01: Still, again, like promote this as a good thing to do in our house.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_01: But why does it have to be a bedtime?
• 42:30
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't have it to give.
• 42:32
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, I'm all done.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: I love that you included them in that conversation, though.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what could we do is time?
• 42:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what are your thoughts?
• 42:41
  SPEAKER_00: What are your feelings?
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: Could we do it?
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_00: Knowing that, like, you you are the decision maker in the household, you can say no or you can change the time, but to include them because it's a whole nother topic that we can spend probably hours on, but kids don't have a lot of control as kids, sure.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have a lot of things that they get to have power and choice in in a lot of ways, and so by inviting them into that and being like, This works great for me too.
• 43:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, it's awesome.
• 43:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it works for everybody, yeah.
• 43:11
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe a lot all sales pitchy sometimes.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, that's a great idea.
• 43:15
  SPEAKER_01: What do you think about this, right?
• 43:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I'm trying to like make it exciting of we're gonna do this and be able to spend this colleague's time together.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_01: But I do that because my hope is that it actually becomes that, right?
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_01: Like I'm more invested in it, more engaged in it.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_01: They're getting time with me to like actually focus on reading, which they are loving to do.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_01: So just yeah, like that moving it a little bit up in the day, I think will be a good solution.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm hoping.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_01: So stay tuned if this actually works in my house.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_01: But yeah, that's my it feels hard to say out loud sometimes because the expectation to do it and enjoy it, I feel like sometimes comes with motherhood.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 43:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think my other one, my other one, um, is when I put myself in time out.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I I don't know that like unhinged confession.
• 44:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's not some giant scandalous thing.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like a moment where I was like, I'm done here.
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, I I yesterday I put myself in mommy time out.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was trying to get everyone ready for school.
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_00: I asked nicely to start getting ready.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing.
• 44:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even think they acknowledged my existence.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_00: I asked again, nothing.
• 44:29
  SPEAKER_00: Asked again, nothing.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_00: And eventually my tone changed.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't yelling.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't lose my shit.
• 44:35
  SPEAKER_00: It was just like the serious mom voice, you know, of like, hey, we need to start getting ready.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_00: And suddenly it was like, why are you yelling at me?
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_02: Oh no.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um excuse you.
• 44:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was pleasant for four previous requests.
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_00: And apparently you filtered them out to your spam folder.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like I and then everyone's upset.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm overstimulated.
• 45:02
  SPEAKER_00: No one's getting ready for school.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I just like hit a point that I went into Sawyer's bedroom and I closed the door and I said, I'm in mommy timeout.
• 45:13
  SPEAKER_00: And they could not fathom that.
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_00: They were like sliding notes under the door.
• 45:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, I am in mommy timeout.
• 45:22
  SPEAKER_00: I need a minute.
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 45:24
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone is safe.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_00: No one needs me for anything.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I needed to remove myself from the situation before I said some unkind words.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_00: So um that would be my confession is that sometimes I take a mommy timeout in order to keep myself in check.
• 45:43
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 45:43
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm just so glad you did that for yourself because we've talked about rage multiple times in this before.
• 45:51
  SPEAKER_01: And it's like when you can notice and acknowledge that you need that break before it gets too rageful, right?
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_01: Like for you for doing that.
• 45:59
  SPEAKER_01: And when you can brand it with something that I love this, I think it goes back to a little bit about like the things we say, and like when we show up kind of like the kids, and then they're kind of confused by it, but they actually get it and it gets them to pause for a minute and think about what just happened.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's accomplishing multiple things in that setting.
• 46:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I love branding it as the mommy time out.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's the mommy time out.
• 46:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's perfect.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yep.
• 46:25
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have anything else for this like chaos of an episode that like you want to make sure we get out?
• 46:35
  SPEAKER_00: I think I have confessed enough for the day.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna leave it to our listeners and count on them to bring confessions to us as well.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I think we're ready.
• 46:46
  SPEAKER_01: You can bring it home for us today.
• 46:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I think if you listen to this episode and are thinking, like, oh my god, thank God, it is not just me.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_00: That was pretty much the entire point.
• 46:57
  SPEAKER_00: We want your completely unhinged or like semi-hinged, whatever you want to call it, mom moments.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_00: Tell us the weirdest thing you've said to your kids you thought that definitely stayed inside your head, but wanted to say out loud the parenting thing you secretly hate, or the moment where you thought, what is actually my life right now?
• 47:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, send them to us.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_00: We want to hear them, we want to read them out loud, normalize it for other people.
• 47:21
  SPEAKER_00: Also, we just like them.
• 47:22
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, we're not judging you because we clearly have no room to either.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but we just we just want you to to know that like you're not alone in the chaos that motherhood is in kind of a fun and lighter way.
• 47:35
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you for joining us and listening in for today, and we will see you in two weeks on Messy Minded Mama.
• 47:43
  SPEAKER_00: See you next time.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for being here with us today.
• 47:49
  SPEAKER_01: If something in this episode resonated, we're really glad you listened.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_01: Messy minded or not, you're not alone in this, and you don't have to have it all figured out.
• 47:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you'd like to stay connected, you can follow Messy Minded Mama wherever you listen to podcasts.
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_00: And follow us on Instagram at messy.minded.mama.
• 48:07
  SPEAKER_00: We'll be back to connect again soon.
• 48:08
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.