Latest / Love Matters With Leeza Mangaldas / Asexuality, Desire & Intimacy: Aili Seghetti on Sex, Relationships & Attraction | Love Matters

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Asexuality, Desire & Intimacy: Aili Seghetti on Sex, Relationships & Attraction | Love Matters · Love Matters With Leeza Mangaldas

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Do people get a bit confused when they learn that
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: you're asexual but a sex coach?
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: The biggest sexual organ is the brain.
• 0:07
  Speaker 3: When you are asexual, you start thinking about the body
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: as a full place.
• 0:11
  Speaker 2: To experience things.
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think most people don't even give themselves permission
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: to think beyond the script.
• 0:18
  Speaker 3: I followed the script for many years. I remember my
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: mom giving me a book on sex and nobody ever
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: asked me, like, Are you enjoying this? So stop performing
• 0:30
  Speaker 3: has been a challenge, like a personal challenge for me.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Sex is overrated because... Guess we're going to have to
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: take this off camera. If there's one thing society and
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: pop culture seems to take for granted, it's the idea
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: that everyone wants to have sex. But that's not true.
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: Asexuality is also an orientation, and some people simply do
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: not experience the desire for sex or the desire to
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: center sex in their intimate lives. Today, we're going to
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: be talking about asexuality and more on Love Matters with me,
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: Lisa Mangaldas, and our guest is Ailee Seghetti. Ailee identifies
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: as asexual, but she's also an intimacy and sex coach,
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: and so we're going to have a really exciting and
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: interesting conversation where I think lots of people's preconceptions might
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: be challenged. What do you think, Ailee?
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, let's see. Let's see.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, why don't we start really at the beginning. What
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: is asexuality for those who are not as familiar with
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: the term and how do you resonate with the term personally?
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: So asexuality is a spectrum.
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: On one end of the spectrum are people who don't
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: experience sexual attraction and on the other end of the
• 1:46
  Speaker 3: spectrum is allosexual, so people who experience sexual attraction. In
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: the middle, there are multiple identities or experiences that individuals have.
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: In my case, I'm not completely asexual. Occasionally, but very rarely,
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: I might experience sexual attraction, but it's very rare.
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: What I would.
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: Call myself is probably more of a allo-sensual. So my
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: attraction is of sensual form. So I don't like if
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: I see someone, I might be attracted to touching them sensually,
• 2:29
  Speaker 3: but I'm not attracted to them sexually. So I don't
• 2:31
  Speaker 3: want to engage sexually with them.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: And just because some people might not be so used
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: to this terminology, how would you distinguish between sexual and sensual?
• 2:42
  Speaker 3: Everyone sort of have their own understanding of these terms.
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: And obviously, I'm not the Bible.
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: No, but just for you personally, since we're talking about
• 2:50
  Speaker 3: your story. Usually, when we think about sex, we think
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: about sexual organs. Although the biggest sexual organ is the brain. So,
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: for example, an essential engagement might not include genitals. It
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: might be all over the body with different sensations, with hands,
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: with other body parts, with your mouth. But it's not
• 3:12
  Speaker 3: going to genitals. So you stay away from that area
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: or you stay away from breasts. So depending on what
• 3:19
  Speaker 3: body parts you feel more drawn to, when you are asexual,
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: you start thinking about the body as a full place
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: to experience things. So I think that's the difference between
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: asexuality and allosexuality and allosexuality in a way.
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: I love that. I think everyone, whether they're allosexual, asexual,
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: or somewhere in between, would benefit from broadening their definition
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: of sex itself. There's such an overemphasis of genitals and penetration.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: But since that is the dominant view, do people get
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: a bit confused or don't know what to make of
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: it when they learn that you're asexual but a sex coach?
• 3:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, they always ask, especially when you go on dates.
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: On my dating profiles, I've mentioned very clearly I'm asexual.
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: And people are very curious to understand what it means.
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: And most often what they think is that you, for example,
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: you don't masturbate or you don't touch yourself or you
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: don't experience an orgasm.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: But that's not the case.
• 4:24
  Speaker 3: You could be asexual, but instead of preferring to engaging
• 4:30
  Speaker 3: with someone else with your genitals, you do it on
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: your own.
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: So....
• 4:36
  Speaker 3: They also ask like, how can you talk about sex
• 4:39
  Speaker 3: when you don't enjoy sex? But I've had so many
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: sexual experiences. Most of them were really bad or like one,
• 4:49
  Speaker 3: they were, you know, when I think back, it's like,
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: they seemed okay, but then there was no pleasure involved
• 4:56
  Speaker 3: or like the pleasure was something else was more on
• 4:59
  Speaker 3: the romantic level instead of the sexual level. And, uh, Occasionally,
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: probably there was an orgasm, but it wasn't really achieved
• 5:10
  Speaker 3: through a sexual experience. So, yeah, they ask questions and
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: it's great because you can really break it down. You
• 5:18
  Speaker 3: really can talk about what is it that you like,
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: what is it that you don't like. It also helps
• 5:23
  Speaker 3: clients to start thinking about their bodies in a different
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: way and what they like, what activities they like and
• 5:30
  Speaker 3: what they don't like.
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: In a much broader way.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think most people don't even give themselves permission
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: to think beyond the scripts that they've been conditioned to follow.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: And when I even think of my own journey of
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: sexual self-discovery, I feel like I took my heterosexuality as
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: a given. I'm 36 years old and only in the
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: last two or three years have I been reassessing whether
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: perhaps I may not be as heterosexual as I was
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: told I ought to be, you know? And so I
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: do think of it of like the journey of sexual
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: self-discovery as an ongoing one. And it really helps to
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: be open to learning about yourself like this, right? Was
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: that the case for you too with regards to your asexuality? Like,
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: let's get a bit of Ailee's story. What were the
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: sort of ideas or conversations that you were surrounded by
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: growing up? And yeah, just how did you get to
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: know yourself as well as you do?
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so I followed the script for many years. Like
• 6:31
  Speaker 3: I started having sex.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: When I was 14.
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: So I was in Italy, I was 14 and I
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: had a friend who said like, oh, I've had sex
• 6:39
  Speaker 3: and it's great.
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: And I was like, I have to have it as well.
• 6:43
  Speaker 3: I can't just live and be friends with this person
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: when she's had these experiences and I haven't. So I
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: went and I looked for guys to have sex with
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: because I already knew by then that sex involved a
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: penis going into a vagina and the whole penetration narrative
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: had already developed at some point through either movies. I
• 7:08
  Speaker 3: remember my mom gifting me a book on sex, some
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: sex education book, and there was an image of a
• 7:14
  Speaker 3: man penetrating a woman. So I found a guy and
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: I said, okay, now we're doing it.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: And he couldn't.
• 7:23
  Speaker 3: Like for whatever reason, second guy couldn't, third guy couldn't.
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: I was like, either there's something wrong with me or
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: I'm choosing wrong people because they don't know how to
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: do it. Eventually I managed. I didn't feel anything whatsoever.
• 7:38
  Speaker 3: There was no sensation, no nothing. But I followed the
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: script that I had been watching on movies.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 7:44
  Speaker 3: So any of course, European movies as well as American
• 7:48
  Speaker 3: movies is the same same script. Like you kiss, then
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: you touch breasts, you touch genitals, then you keep the
• 7:56
  Speaker 3: penis inside, then you thrust and then the man comes
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: and it's over. So from 14, I think until probably 21,
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: I had this kind of sex and nobody ever asked me, like,
• 8:10
  Speaker 3: are you enjoying this ever?
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: Are you enjoying this? Are you experiencing pleasure? Have you come?
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: None of these questions happened. I'm talking about like 80s
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: and 90s.
• 8:21
  Speaker 3: So back then, at least in the circle that I
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: lived in, people were not exposed to anything.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: I feel like it's still... I mean, yeah, it's still
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: like that. But I can... I hope.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: It's gotten a bit better.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: I hope it's better.
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: I mean, I hope that with the internet, with sex
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: educators and Sex education, at least somewhere in the world,
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: things have gotten better. And I think like these conversations
• 8:49
  Speaker 3: are the ones that you need to have. But yeah,
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: I mean, I went through seven years of just doing
• 8:56
  Speaker 3: the act without feeling anything. But I did it because
• 9:00
  Speaker 3: I wanted a boyfriend. You know, I wanted a relationship
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: and I wanted to do things with them, like.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: Go out for movies. So I thought that this was
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: part of that whole package.
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: Um, and then at 21, I kind of, uh, I
• 9:17
  Speaker 3: managed to speak to my partner and say, okay, I'm
• 9:20
  Speaker 3: actually not feeling anything.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: What do we do?
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: Um, and then I started sort of masturbating in front
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: of him that worked. Uh, but it was still a very, uh,
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: mechanical experience. It wasn't really pleasurable. And finally, then I
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: had a relationship with a girl. The relationship with the
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: girl also became sexual. But for me, it was never
• 9:45
  Speaker 3: like I didn't want to be touched in my genitals.
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: And for me, it was just about having a relationship, kissing, touching, caressing, etc.
• 9:55
  Speaker 3: But for her, it was something else. And then I
• 9:58
  Speaker 3: just kept on going. on and on with the same story.
• 10:04
  Speaker 3: And then I think I figured out that there is
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: something like asexuality when I started doing this work.
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: How old were you? I was like 45.
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: I think that's really something that people should take note of.
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: You can learn about yourself throughout your life. I think
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: so many people assume that by the time you're like 25,
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: you should just have figured your sexuality out. But even
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: my own experience has been that the journey is ongoing
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: and infinite and you don't stop interrogating. I think people
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: just accept the template and think there's no other option
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: even if they don't resonate with it. Has that been
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: something that you found even with your clients?
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: Like people in their 20s, they are about to get
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: married or they just got married and then they come
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: and say like, oh, actually, these sexual experiences are not
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: really pleasurable or my partner doesn't want to have sex.
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: So this is I really hate oral sex or but
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: my partner wants to do it. So all all the
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: kind of questions that you get on on your social
• 11:06
  Speaker 3: media platforms as well. Right.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: So And it's very difficult to break this.
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: Sort of narrative because all around you, you're surrounded by movies,
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: you're surrounded by literature, and you're also surrounded by media
• 11:23
  Speaker 3: that says that it's, you know, how it's... the the
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: sort of um suggestions that you get are very they're
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: not really personal they're not.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: Personal to your experience.
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: Like they're just like okay how to give a good
• 11:39
  Speaker 3: blow job or like how to give a uh you
• 11:42
  Speaker 3: know oral sex or how to masturbate or like but
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: it's very generic because all bodies are different and all
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: brains are different and your experiences have been different and
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: you might You might have been born a certain way
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: or you might have developed a preference in your childhood
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: or like later in your teens. So to break that
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: belief that sex should be penetrative sex, that should be heterosexual.
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: Also ideas like that you love and sex should be
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: had with the same person and that person should be
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: with you for the rest of your life.
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: That's also like a narrative. It's a construct.
• 12:26
  Speaker 3: It doesn't work for everyone. It works for a lot
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: of people, but not for everyone. So that's when clients
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: come and when they start questioning these things. But to
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: break the narrative or like to make them think differently
• 12:37
  Speaker 3: takes a while.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: Do you even just recognize that options exist?
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is a lot of like, what's
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: going on? What is she talking about?
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: What is she talking about? I'm sure some people are watching.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: What are these two talking about? But hopefully by the
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: end of the show, they wrap their heads around all
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: the possibilities. So Ailee, what is it like dating in
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: your 50s? Has it been smoother sailing now that you
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: feel like you know yourself well? Or is it still
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: complicated explaining your own relationship to sexuality?
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: I think explaining it has become a little repetitive. But
• 13:20
  Speaker 3: I think Yeah, as you grow older, you are much
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: more connected to your body. So they say that, you know,
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: women post 40s start enjoying sex much more and they
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: because they know their body or you start accepting yourself
• 13:36
  Speaker 3: for who you are. So I think in your 50s,
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: that's kind of how you live every day, like you
• 13:42
  Speaker 3: just happy about knowing what your body wants and you
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: are much more comfortable ask him for it when you
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: want it or when you need it. And you are,
• 13:53
  Speaker 3: it's much easier for you also to say no, because
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: when you're younger, it's, I feel, I mean, not for everyone,
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: but it's harder to say no to people, especially when
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: you are following these narratives and, and you think that
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: you need to please your partner and it's all about
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: them and might not be about you.
• 14:11
  Speaker 2: So, In your 50s, that changes.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: So what is it that at this stage in your
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: life you want? What is it that you think a
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: partnership would be appealing? Is there anything a man is
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: bringing to the table or a woman?
• 14:26
  Speaker 2: Or a non-binary person?
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think gender makes a difference. But I
• 14:31
  Speaker 3: think what I really like at this point in life
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: is go grocery shopping together. And do like very mundane things.
• 14:41
  Speaker 3: In terms of intimacy, I enjoy being playful because physical
• 14:47
  Speaker 3: intimacy is about play. So anything playful, of course, I
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: enjoy a lot of exchanges that are around submission, domination.
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: I prefer to dominate.
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: So even in my playful moments, I enjoy seeing someone
• 15:05
  Speaker 3: doing things for me or receiving and being worshipped in
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: a certain way. But overall, in a relationship, I really
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: want to be with someone who understands this playfulness. who's
• 15:19
  Speaker 3: okay doing mundane things and.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: Who's okay with a lot of space. I need space.
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: I enjoy my time by myself, my independence, spending time
• 15:31
  Speaker 3: with the cats and stuff. So I think these are
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: three things that I really look for in a relationship.
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: And of course, like emotional intelligence, but I wouldn't even
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: be with someone who's not emotionally literate, intelligent, whatever.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I resonate with all of those desires.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: I wanted to also ask whether you've had experiences in
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: past relationships where there was a mismatch in expectations around
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: sex and how you navigated those.
• 16:02
  Speaker 3: There's always been a mismatch. And I think it's so what,
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: maybe 30 years of mismatch.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: But as I.
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: Was brought up and raised as a woman who conditioned
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: to behave in a certain way, so I've always said
• 16:19
  Speaker 3: yes in exchange for other things. So I don't think
• 16:23
  Speaker 3: I've ever voiced out until my 40s any things.
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: That were not really appealing to me. And it's been
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: a constant fight.
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: Not fight, but it's not a fight with yourself, but
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: it's more like, of being aware of like, okay, now
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: this is not okay for me.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: I'm not feeling good.
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: Being present in your body and being able to say like, no,
• 16:48
  Speaker 3: actually this is not pleasurable. Instead of what happens to
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: a lot of us, we dissociate. So we don't feel anything.
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: We become performative. So we might follow that script. We
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: might have a sexual experience and your partner might even
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: think that you're enjoying yourself.
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: But when you look back.
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: Maybe 24 hours later, maybe 48 hours later, it's like,
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: did I actually enjoy that whole experience?
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: Not really.
• 17:12
  Speaker 3: So stop performing has been a challenge, like a personal
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: challenge for me because I was taught and brought up
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: to say yes.
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: All the time.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: Do you find that your ability to communicate what you
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: want and don't want has improved or are there, do
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: you think like, let's say for someone watching who might
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: actually resonate with lots of what you're saying and find
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: themselves in the same situation where they can't be clear
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: because they have to follow the script. What are some
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: of the tools or sort of ways of explaining your
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: own boundaries or desires that you've found that would be
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: really valuable to everyone's communication toolkit?
• 17:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think before you start communicating or thinking about
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: communication strategies, you need to feel it. You need to
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: understand that there are things that are not really working
• 17:59
  Speaker 3: for you. Of course, pain is always a sign, but
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: a lot of us dissociate. So we don't feel anything
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: and we just go with the flow. Once you have...
• 18:09
  Speaker 3: And what they call is like body awareness, right? So
• 18:12
  Speaker 3: a lot of breathing exercises, mindfulness exercises, grounding exercises, where
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: you start feeling your body, even when you're not sexual
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: or physically involved with someone. Actually, do you feel your
• 18:25
  Speaker 3: body so that you can bring that awareness on when
• 18:28
  Speaker 3: you are engaging physically? Because once you start touching another body,
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: you get confused, right? You know, there's so much stuff
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: going on. So you're not really focused on what your
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: experiences are.
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: So I think that's step one. First, you become aware
• 18:45
  Speaker 2: within your body, like, okay, these sensations are okay.
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: These are not, these might be pleasurable. Let's see if
• 18:51
  Speaker 3: I can take them a step ahead and see where
• 18:54
  Speaker 3: it takes me. But also start like exposing oneself to
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: other narratives of, sexuality, sensuality, play. I mean, you have
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: your entire King BDSM kit that is not just about pain.
• 19:10
  Speaker 3: It's not just about control. There are various forms, role plays, etc.
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: So start exposing yourself to other forms of intimacy and
• 19:20
  Speaker 3: not just the same thing that you see on either Hollywood,
• 19:24
  Speaker 3: Bollywood or like porn. Once you start discovering yourself, once
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: you start understanding your own desires, your own fantasy, you
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: start building on them. That's when you communicate like, hey,
• 19:36
  Speaker 3: let's try this. Like, this is not pleasurable for me.
• 19:40
  Speaker 3: This is not fun for me. Can we try this instead?
• 19:43
  Speaker 3: Of course, if you tell anyone or most people that
• 19:48
  Speaker 3: you're not experiencing pleasure, and you're not really enjoying something,
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: they will stop.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: They're not. I mean, we know that there are some people.
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: Decent human beings.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah. OK, so they will stop. But you can't just
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: stop and just.
• 20:05
  Speaker 3: Stop everything you need to start exploring what are the
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: small small things that you might enjoy it might be
• 20:11
  Speaker 3: like making out for half an hour maybe you're just
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: into kissing let's see where that takes you so it
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: starts small like and I think.
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: People somehow assume penetration to be like you haven't had
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: sex if there hasn't been penetration sex is like the
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: ultimate aspect of qualifying an activity as sex is this
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: general contact or whatever right and Actually, there's so many
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: other aspects of how affection or care or desire even
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: can be expressed that may even be more intimate than that.
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: Like this idea that penetration is the most intimate thing
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: two people can do is debatable. It's very intimate, but
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of other really intimate things too. I mean,
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: sometimes eye contact can be extremely intimate, in my opinion.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: You're not even touching. What do you think of as
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: some of the most intimate things that people often overlook?
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: you know, in their intimacy routines going straight from zero
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: to penetration?
• 21:11
  Speaker 3: I think, I mean, one step back is what people
• 21:14
  Speaker 3: need to start thinking is what they want to feel
• 21:18
  Speaker 3: when they are engaging with another human being at a
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: physical level. Some people want to feel merged. So penetration,
• 21:27
  Speaker 3: works fine, right? Because it's that the act is like
• 21:31
  Speaker 3: that you're merging with another person. But some people don't
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: want to be merged, right? Some people want to feel playful.
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: So what does that mean? Is it wrestling with your partner?
• 21:41
  Speaker 3: Some people want to feel loved and cared for. So
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: it's much a lot, a lot of it is about
• 21:48
  Speaker 3: talking and saying, I love your skin. I enjoy being
• 21:54
  Speaker 3: with you. So you build up on that. Some people,
• 21:58
  Speaker 3: they really get turned on by hearing things, right? Or
• 22:01
  Speaker 3: some people get turned on by saying things. And then
• 22:04
  Speaker 3: there are all the different body parts. Obviously, there are
• 22:07
  Speaker 3: your erogenous zones, But there are also other zones that
• 22:11
  Speaker 3: people don't really explore like back of the knee or
• 22:14
  Speaker 3: like elbow or like belly or there's so many different
• 22:19
  Speaker 3: body parts that are different for each one.
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: It's not just physical parts.
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: It's like, yes, eye contact, maybe things that you say,
• 22:29
  Speaker 3: things that you see. Some people just get turned on
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: by seeing someone in lingerie or sexy attire or latex
• 22:37
  Speaker 3: or leather or whatever.
• 22:39
  Speaker 2: Really works for them.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: I guess engaging all of your senses.
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you have to engage all your senses. That's what
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: sexual or like erotic experience is, right? Engaging all your senses, touch, smell, taste, eyes, visual, yeah.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: And there's so much pleasure to be had, right? Even
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: with no penetration on the menu. On that note, it's
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: time for a little game. I'm going to pull out
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: my phone. I'm going to just throw some incomplete sentences
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: at you and you're going to complete them. It's called
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: no overthinking. Okay. It's going to be so easy for you.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: The most underrated form of intimacy is.
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: Uh, let's see.
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: Now I have to start thinking underrated form of intimacy
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: is emotional connection.
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: The most overrated relationship advice is.
• 23:30
  Speaker 3: You have to be the same. Like you have to
• 23:32
  Speaker 3: be compatible. You have to be same, or you have
• 23:34
  Speaker 3: to have like too many things in common. I think
• 23:37
  Speaker 3: that's overrated.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: A green flag that's not talked about enough.
• 23:42
  Speaker 2: Communication skills.
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: A red flag people excuse too easily.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: I think a bit of narcissism. People like it.
• 23:53
  Speaker 3: Like a lot of people like people who are confident.
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: So they switch like narcissism to confidence, I feel.
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: Careful, guys.
• 24:01
  Speaker 1: Yes, I agree. Been there, done that. Do not recommend.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: A misconception about asexuality is?
• 24:09
  Speaker 3: That asexual people don't orgasm or masturbate.
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: Sex is overrated because?
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: Because there are so many other things that you can
• 24:20
  Speaker 3: do to build intimacy. And I think intimacy is more
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: important than sex. Sex is just one of the things
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: that you can do.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: The most attractive thing about a person is.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: Their openness.
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: I love that. The question you get asked most often
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: when you tell people you're asexual is.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: How can you be a sex coach?
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: One thing you tell someone who's questioning whether they're asexual is.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: Do genitals actually interest you at all?
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: You did that so well.
• 24:54
  Speaker 2: Short, quick and.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: answered every single one. Thank you.
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: Welcome.
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about Ailee, the sex and intimacy coach.
• 25:02
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of people probably.
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: Don't even know what a sex and intimacy coach does.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: Like there aren't that many easily accessible in most cities,
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: you know? So let's explain a little bit about what
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: that entails. What is a day in your life like
• 25:17
  Speaker 1: as a intimacy coach?
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: So an intimacy coach deals with anything intimacy. It can
• 25:25
  Speaker 3: be emotional intimacy, can be physical intimacy, can be intellectual intimacy, all.
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: Different types of intimacy that bring you close to each other.
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: So like it could be a relationship between a daughter-in-law
• 25:43
  Speaker 3: and a mother-in-law as well. So it's not necessarily, it's
• 25:47
  Speaker 3: not sexual. So intimacy is of different kinds, but I
• 25:52
  Speaker 3: get clients who struggle with mostly physical and emotional intimacy.
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: So people who are on dating apps and they can't
• 26:02
  Speaker 3: find matches, or if they match, they don't manage to
• 26:06
  Speaker 3: have conversations with the matches. Then I get couples who
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: stopped having sex. I get individuals who experienced painful sex
• 26:16
  Speaker 3: I get individuals who experience premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, so
• 26:23
  Speaker 3: anything to do with the body, as well as people
• 26:26
  Speaker 3: who fall in love very often, people who don't fall
• 26:32
  Speaker 3: in love at all, people who are divorcing, people who
• 26:35
  Speaker 3: are opening up their marriages, people who have fetishes and
• 26:39
  Speaker 3: they want to know if it's normal. Fetishes or kinks.
• 26:43
  Speaker 3: So all of this is what I deal with. A
• 26:47
  Speaker 3: coach is different from a therapist because we usually look
• 26:53
  Speaker 3: at what is going on right now. Of course, we
• 26:56
  Speaker 3: look at the past, but.
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: It's more future forward. So we give you tips.
• 27:00
  Speaker 3: We help people with finding strategies to solve.
• 27:05
  Speaker 2: A particular problem.
• 27:05
  Speaker 3: So they would have a goal, like I want to
• 27:07
  Speaker 3: have penetrative sex. So we ask, why do you want
• 27:10
  Speaker 3: to have penetrative sex?
• 27:11
  Speaker 2: Is it because... You want to have kids. Are you
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: in that process.
• 27:15
  Speaker 3: Or is it because you want to experience pleasure? If
• 27:19
  Speaker 3: it is because you want to experience pleasure, these are
• 27:22
  Speaker 3: also like a few pathways that you can try with
• 27:26
  Speaker 3: your partner, for example. So a therapist would sit on
• 27:29
  Speaker 3: what has happened in the past. They obviously have a
• 27:33
  Speaker 3: degree in psychology, while coaches are a bit more like, OK,
• 27:37
  Speaker 3: this is what your issue is right now. Maybe these
• 27:40
  Speaker 3: are the resources that you can.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: Reach out to.
• 27:43
  Speaker 3: Like it could be like a sex influencer or it
• 27:46
  Speaker 3: could be like a program that we found online or
• 27:51
  Speaker 3: it could be ethical porn sites or it could be
• 27:57
  Speaker 3: written erotica. So we direct people in different ways. We
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: give them exercises, breathing exercises, writing exercises, touch exercises.
• 28:06
  Speaker 2: And yeah, so we solve problems.
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: And how did you... begin this work or what drew
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: you to it and when um I.
• 28:16
  Speaker 3: Got into it because I worked for a bunch of
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: dating apps so because I was working with people who
• 28:24
  Speaker 3: were using dating apps so we're planning to use dating
• 28:27
  Speaker 3: apps I ended up talking to a lot of people
• 28:29
  Speaker 3: in India across different cities and towns about sex relationships
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: love dating and I got super interested and that's how
• 28:38
  Speaker 3: I like went back to school and learned it.
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: Wow. And so would you say that there are certain
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: extremely common conundrums or circumstances that you've found that may
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: be culturally specific or just circumstantially somehow, you know, significant
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: in India, particularly, like are there common problems that couples
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: or individuals or men or women, whether it's gender or
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: a particular type of relationship that you just see recurring?
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: Like what are some of the most.
• 29:09
  Speaker 3: I mean, the classic one is I'm in this long-term
• 29:13
  Speaker 3: relationship or marriage and my partner doesn't want to have sex.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: So who do I have sex with?
• 29:19
  Speaker 3: And then they go through the various options like, okay,
• 29:23
  Speaker 3: do I open my marriage or relationship? Do we navigate
• 29:27
  Speaker 3: polyamory or ethical or non-ethical? Like people who go on
• 29:31
  Speaker 3: this like cheating mission. And it's quite funny to watch
• 29:36
  Speaker 3: them go through that whole experience and then come back
• 29:39
  Speaker 3: and maybe decide like, okay actually maybe I should walk
• 29:41
  Speaker 3: it out with my partner because it it's gonna be
• 29:43
  Speaker 3: easier that's one a lot of painful sex for people
• 29:51
  Speaker 3: with penises as well phimosis is rampant for some reason
• 29:56
  Speaker 3: I don't know why So they experience painful penetration, therefore
• 30:01
  Speaker 3: erectile dysfunction, like they lose their erection because they experience pain.
• 30:06
  Speaker 3: Then a lot of people who struggle with dating, they
• 30:10
  Speaker 3: can't find the one.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: It's men or women or both?
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: Both.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: Interesting.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: Both.
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: So they're not looking. I mean, they're not able to
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: secure a match or they're not able to put themselves
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: out there even when they have a man like they're.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: Afraid of intimacy or not well-equipped to seduce?
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I think it's all of it.
• 30:33
  Speaker 3: But it's also, I feel, because women are, especially in
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: the heterosexual setting, women are changing or have changed very fast.
• 30:45
  Speaker 3: They're going through an evolution at a very rapid pace
• 30:48
  Speaker 3: and men are really struggling to keep up with that.
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: I think that's like.
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: Main thing so nobody knows who needs to who's making
• 30:58
  Speaker 3: the first move for example like a woman might be
• 31:01
  Speaker 3: independent and very strong or but they still expect that
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: a man to make a move but the man is
• 31:08
  Speaker 3: too scared to make a move so who makes the
• 31:10
  Speaker 3: move so these kind of conversations how do you make
• 31:13
  Speaker 3: a move without being creepy how do you communicate like
• 31:19
  Speaker 3: how do you communicate your emotions Like, do you even
• 31:22
  Speaker 3: feel your emotions? So if they're there, you should be
• 31:25
  Speaker 3: able to talk about them because that's what dating is
• 31:28
  Speaker 3: as well, right?
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: Sharing of the currency is emotions.
• 31:32
  Speaker 3: So do you know how to do that exchange? Besides
• 31:34
  Speaker 3: the physical stuff, which also comes along, but a lot
• 31:39
  Speaker 3: of emotion.
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: Unsettling.
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: I can imagine that. I think there's also like a
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: lot of us are just quietly lonely because we don't,
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: you know, I get that. How have the events you've
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: been creating panned out as well? I've always found the
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: titles and the sort of media you put out on
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: Intimacy Curator, your Instagram handle, really, really interesting. And how
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: has bringing together people in a physical space panned out?
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: Tell me about those events. They're so interesting.
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's quite interesting. Yeah.
• 32:18
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so I think what a lot of people don't
• 32:21
  Speaker 3: know that I have created events because nobody wanted to
• 32:26
  Speaker 3: be educated. Initially, I was trying to educate people, but
• 32:29
  Speaker 3: nobody wanted to actually go through a workshop. So now
• 32:33
  Speaker 3: I've made it mandatory if they want to go for
• 32:35
  Speaker 3: an event to go through a workshop. So they have
• 32:37
  Speaker 3: to learn certain things like basics of consent, basics of gender, pronouns,
• 32:43
  Speaker 3: basics of kink or things that are not you know, vanilla,
• 32:48
  Speaker 3: whatever we call vanilla, or like just exploring non-penetrative intimacy.
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: And then non-monogamy and asexuality.
• 32:57
  Speaker 3: So I force this information on them so that they
• 33:01
  Speaker 3: have to know all these basics before they go and
• 33:05
  Speaker 3: experience other stuff. But yeah, I think initially it was
• 33:09
  Speaker 3: a bit of a mix, you know, dating, non-monogamy, alternative.
• 33:14
  Speaker 2: Forms of intimacy, etc., But now I'm kind of like,
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: I've focused.
• 33:22
  Speaker 3: More on women and queer individuals because I think that
• 33:29
  Speaker 3: all the events are planned for them.
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: Unfortunately, they're not planned.
• 33:34
  Speaker 3: For cis men, cis head men, but some of them
• 33:38
  Speaker 3: do come for the events. I think it's a cohort
• 33:43
  Speaker 3: that has not really been addressed enough.
• 33:46
  Speaker 1: Okay, time for, before we wrap, another little segment where
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: we've actually taken questions from the audience and going to
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: pose them to you as a sex coach. Okay, so
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: what do I do if my partner has a lower
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: sex drive than me?
• 34:04
  Speaker 3: If you want to, there is a way of increasing
• 34:07
  Speaker 3: your drive a little bit.
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: It's never going to reach there. And there are ways
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: or there are techniques to lower their... sex drive as well.
• 34:16
  Speaker 3: So you can reach somewhere that is not so far
• 34:19
  Speaker 3: away from each other.
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: What sort of ways? I mean, just to illustrate.
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: Exercises.
• 34:24
  Speaker 3: So usually it's, these exercises are drawn from the, I
• 34:30
  Speaker 3: don't want to say the word, but tantric tradition or
• 34:32
  Speaker 3: like the new modern tantric tradition. It's made of certain
• 34:37
  Speaker 3: breathing exercises and pelvic floor squeezes for one person and
• 34:44
  Speaker 3: relaxation for the other. So they are drawn from those
• 34:48
  Speaker 3: practices and they do work. I mean, it's like going
• 34:52
  Speaker 3: to the gym. So you work out a muscle. It
• 34:54
  Speaker 3: takes one month, two months, three months. But once you
• 34:57
  Speaker 3: learn the technique, you manage to balance yourself both way.
• 35:01
  Speaker 3: You manage to increase it and you manage to decrease
• 35:03
  Speaker 3: it up to a point. The other option is if
• 35:08
  Speaker 3: both partners agree, you can outsource that need or the
• 35:11
  Speaker 3: person who has, I'm talking about open relationships, if it
• 35:15
  Speaker 3: gets really bad and you really feel the pressure of
• 35:20
  Speaker 3: performing for your partner because they are always aroused and
• 35:23
  Speaker 3: they always want to engage, then is there a way
• 35:26
  Speaker 3: of opening up the relationship and making those sexual needs
• 35:30
  Speaker 3: met elsewhere so that you also don't feel the pressure?
• 35:35
  Speaker 3: And also, is it just sex or is it other
• 35:40
  Speaker 3: playful experiences? Sometimes, you know, it's enough that maybe you
• 35:45
  Speaker 3: kiss and touch the person, but the person who's very
• 35:48
  Speaker 3: aroused can masturbate in front of you. You don't have
• 35:50
  Speaker 3: to engage in that sexual experience, but they can do
• 35:53
  Speaker 3: things on the side so that they cool off. I
• 35:56
  Speaker 3: don't know.
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: I get that. I think, quite frankly, in many relationships,
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: especially at different times, like two people might have, uh,
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: different appetites for sex or, and all kinds of things
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: like stress and work and all that can impact your libido.
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: Even if you're generally someone who thinks of themselves as
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: high or, you.
• 36:14
  Speaker 3: Know, libido will keep on fluctuating even throughout your life
• 36:18
  Speaker 3: and even from person to person.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: So it's good for people to be aware that it's fine.
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: It's very common. And there's, um, solutions.
• 36:27
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 36:28
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 36:29
  Speaker 1: A few more questions. We had an arranged marriage. But
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: I think my partner is actually gay. What do I do?
• 36:38
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 36:39
  Speaker 3: Again, have a conversation because you never know.
• 36:43
  Speaker 2: You can't really guess. If they are gay, then why
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: not open up the relationship?
• 36:51
  Speaker 3: Again, whether you're monogamous or non-monogamous, if you're monogamous, obviously
• 36:55
  Speaker 3: there's not going to be a sexual experience between the
• 36:57
  Speaker 3: two of you if they are gay. So you will
• 37:01
  Speaker 3: have to end up the relationship, I guess. But in
• 37:05
  Speaker 3: the new forms of non-monogamy, the person could be sexual
• 37:08
  Speaker 3: with other people and you could still have that loving
• 37:10
  Speaker 3: relationship or marriage between the two. And I think A
• 37:14
  Speaker 3: lot of queer people have ended up in these kind
• 37:17
  Speaker 3: of relationships because society will enforce that you have to
• 37:23
  Speaker 3: get married, you have to be married. So where does your, like,
• 37:28
  Speaker 3: are you more, are you someone who's more aligned with
• 37:31
  Speaker 3: being authentic and open and out there or are you
• 37:34
  Speaker 3: someone who's conforming to society.
• 37:36
  Speaker 2: Which is also fine.
• 37:38
  Speaker 3: Like not everybody needs to be there like fighting things, right?
• 37:42
  Speaker 3: So if that's the case, is there an opportunity to
• 37:44
  Speaker 3: open up and the person exploring themselves and you exploring
• 37:48
  Speaker 3: with whoever you feel like.
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: How do couples keep passion alive after years together?
• 37:53
  Speaker 3: Okay, so passion usually dies out within two years. Okay.
• 38:00
  Speaker 3: the spontaneous one, then you have to keep it alive.
• 38:03
  Speaker 3: That's why they keep on saying like, okay, passion has died,
• 38:06
  Speaker 3: desire has died. It's not like when we were dating anymore.
• 38:11
  Speaker 3: So I think what has really worked is doing new
• 38:15
  Speaker 3: things together, not just from a physical point of view,
• 38:18
  Speaker 3: but also like learning new things, keeping the right amount
• 38:22
  Speaker 3: of distance. Because if you're constantly living together, if you're
• 38:26
  Speaker 3: working together, a lot of couples work, live together, that
• 38:31
  Speaker 3: novelty dies out, right?
• 38:32
  Speaker 2: So you need to keep a distance.
• 38:36
  Speaker 3: From each other and introduce new things. So your, you know,
• 38:41
  Speaker 3: date nights is the basic that everybody recommends, but it
• 38:44
  Speaker 3: could be also learning a new skill, exploring things that
• 38:50
  Speaker 3: you've not really done in the past so that you
• 38:54
  Speaker 3: start recognizing your partner in some other avatar, right?
• 38:59
  Speaker 2: Also, from a physical point of view.
• 39:03
  Speaker 3: The fun part comes with a lot of times with
• 39:06
  Speaker 3: role play. So you create scenes where you are role
• 39:09
  Speaker 3: playing different people and you can recreate. It's like making movies.
• 39:14
  Speaker 3: So each time you make a different movie. So let's
• 39:16
  Speaker 3: say if you are making it, if you're spicing it
• 39:20
  Speaker 3: up once a month or once every two weeks, every
• 39:23
  Speaker 3: two weeks you make a movie, different movie one one
• 39:26
  Speaker 3: week you make a kinky movie where you're playing certain
• 39:29
  Speaker 3: kinky characters the next round you may be role play
• 39:34
  Speaker 3: romantic partners that you've seen in some movie and you
• 39:38
  Speaker 3: make your own stories and you choose different activities for
• 39:42
  Speaker 3: each week so these are things that will help kind
• 39:47
  Speaker 3: of bring a new aspect to the relationships Because desire
• 39:51
  Speaker 3: tends to die out.
• 39:54
  Speaker 2: And to revive it, you need to be a.
• 39:57
  Speaker 3: Bit more open-minded and try things that are not part
• 40:00
  Speaker 3: of the usual routine, the habits that you have kind
• 40:04
  Speaker 3: of developed.
• 40:05
  Speaker 1: You have to make it a priority, right? I feel
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: like people just think it's just going to happen, like
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: it's just there.
• 40:10
  Speaker 2: Because they think it's something that should stay there spontaneously. Exactly.
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: But it doesn't.
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: So novelty, distance and making it a priority can be
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: good starting points.
• 40:22
  Speaker 3: Yes.
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: Ailee, you say that intimacy is a skill and I
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: couldn't agree more. So how about we leave our audience
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: today with an exercise or two that they can practice
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: over the week to get better at intimacy?
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: Cool.
• 40:35
  Speaker 3: So we do one on emotional intimacy and one on
• 40:38
  Speaker 3: physical intimacy. Emotional one, it's the feeling game. I will
• 40:44
  Speaker 3: say to you how I feel and then you tell
• 40:46
  Speaker 3: me how it makes you feel what I feel, right?
• 40:49
  Speaker 3: If I say that the way you look at me
• 40:52
  Speaker 3: makes me feel loved, what does making me feel loved
• 40:56
  Speaker 3: makes you feel?
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: The fact that the way I look at you makes
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: you feel loved makes me feel fulfilled.
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: When you're fulfilled, I feel excited.
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: When you're excited, I feel playful.
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: When you're playful, I want to bite you.
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: Ooh, guess we're going to have to take this off camera.
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: No, I love that.
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: That's such a fun game.
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: That can go on for like months.
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: Right.
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: And physical, is it okay if I touch you?
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: Sure.
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: Okay, cool.
• 41:29
  Speaker 3: So I'm touching for my pleasure right now. Okay, this
• 41:34
  Speaker 3: is based on Betty Martin's Wheel of Consent, right? So
• 41:39
  Speaker 3: I'm touching for my pleasure. You tell me what feels
• 41:41
  Speaker 3: right and not.
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: That feels right.
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: Is it pleasurable or arousing?
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: It's relaxing.
• 41:50
  Speaker 2: Cool.
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: It reminds me of how my mom used to tickle
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: my arm when I would fall asleep as a kid.
• 41:59
  Speaker 2: What would make it arousing?
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: What would make it arousing? I think not being on
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: a podcast with five people watching and Now I'm.
• 42:08
  Speaker 3: Touching for you. So you have to guide me. How
• 42:12
  Speaker 3: do you want me to touch you?
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: Harder?
• 42:14
  Speaker 2: Slower? Slower. Pressure?
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: I think very slow touches are rosy to me.
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: Extremely slow.
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: The pressures are, it could be even less. Like almost,
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: even if you weren't actually touching me, you don't need
• 42:30
  Speaker 1: to feel a force between the other beings. That's nice.
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: Do they get the idea?
• 42:37
  Speaker 3: So yeah, touch for your pleasure, touch for the other
• 42:43
  Speaker 3: person's pleasure and give feedback.
• 42:44
  Speaker 2: I love that.
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: I think people really don't give much feedback easily and clearly, right?
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: And take feedback very personally. That is such a fun
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: exercise and look up the wheel of consent as well. Ailee,
• 42:57
  Speaker 1: this has been so lovely. Thank you for sharing so
• 42:59
  Speaker 1: openly and joining us on Love Matters. And thank you
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: for watching and tuning in. I hope that you've enjoyed
• 43:06
  Speaker 1: this episode. Do share it. Please tell us in the
• 43:09
  Speaker 1: comments what you thought. We'd love to hear your thoughts
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: on intimacy beyond sex. And if you have any topic
• 43:15
  Speaker 1: suggestions or guest suggestions, you can write to us at
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: lovematters at dw.com. Love Matters is produced by the Indian
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: Express and DW, Germany's international broadcaster. I'm Lisa Mangeldas, and
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: I believe love matters.