Latest / ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women / 182 // How to Handle Loneliness in ADHD

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182 // How to Handle Loneliness in ADHD · ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women

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  I don't think anybody chooses loneliness on purpose.
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  This is a place where we end up and then we can often feel stuck in loneliness,
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  not really sure how to get out.
• 0:11
  It's almost here. The 30-day ADHD confidence course I have been creating for
• 0:16
  you and I am so incredibly excited.
• 0:18
  January 2027 is when it will be launching. So set your calendars and you can
• 0:24
  head to ADHDwithconfidence.com forward slash ADHD course.
• 0:29
  I have a wait list. You'll get a few emails with more information,
• 0:33
  with early sign-up bonuses, everything that you need so you can come on this
• 0:37
  four-step simple journey to building confidence.
• 0:41
  We're going to learn how to overcome self-doubt, avoid burnout and overwhelm,
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  live with purpose, and protect your heart and your peace.
• 0:50
  I cannot wait. There will be weekly group coaching and so much more.
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  Head to ADHDwithconfidence.com forward slash ADHD course.
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  All right, let's get started into today's episode.
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  Hey friends, welcome to the ADHD with Confidence podcast. I'm your host,
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  Kelsey Spronk, and today I'm going to talk about why us women with ADHD can
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  feel so incredibly alone and lonely.
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  Before I get into this, if you have been listening for a while and you don't
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  mind scrolling down and leaving a rating or review.
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  I greatly appreciate it, but it also helps the show to be found by other women
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  looking to build their confidence.
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  All right, just to give you a quick overview, I'm going to talk about why I
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  believe us women with ADHD are lonely, why connection is so important,
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  and then at the end there, what we can do about it.
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  So I have a few reasons here. I do believe in our world in general,
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  we are very disconnected. I think that's for everybody. We have technology that
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  we believe is a way of connecting, but doesn't provide real connection the same way.
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  It can provide some level, but not to the same way as being face-to-face with people.
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  I think there's that cultural shift. We also live very isolated from each other.
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  We don't typically live in communities closely together with people.
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  We're very independent. We pride ourselves on being able to do things ourselves
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  without help or support.
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  And I think that can all contribute to the loneliness. But I do think there
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  are a few other reasons why specifically us women with ADHD can struggle with loneliness.
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  The first one is we comprise a smaller portion of the population and that leads
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  into the second one which is we can often feel misunderstood.
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  So because we are only about five to ten percent of the population it can mean
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  there are less people who are like us and when we have people who feel similar
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  to us that can create that sense of belonging.
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  For us, it can be frustrating because we can feel misunderstood when others
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  don't understand why we think the way we do, respond, or live the way that we do.
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  Number three for why is there is still the stigma and the shame attached to
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  the diagnosis. I wish that was not the case, but I feel like often it can be.
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  In Dr. Jenny Byrne's book, ADHD and Professionals, she actually talked about
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  how that stigma and shame is very much alive today and has not gone away in
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  the way that we hope that it will.
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  Number four is that our world is not designed for us to thrive our world has changed to be very much,
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  set up for a neurotypical with that structure and consistency whereas we would thrive more
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  with flexibility to be creative to hyper focus when you need to to be in collaboration
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  and body doubling and all of these different ways where we would thrive
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  where it's not about being super punctual all the time doing the same things
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  all of the time routine and consistency, things that,
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  are not how our brain thrives, I think that can also make us feel alone in that.
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  Number five, another reason why I believe we feel lonely is that a lot of the
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  research about ADHD focuses on shortcomings instead of strengths,
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  viewing it as a deficit or deficiency.
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  Now, I do not believe that ADHD is a disorder or a deficiency,
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  and I know that it has struggles, and I do very much see that it does have its
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  struggles in our modern world,
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  but I don't feel like we are made wrong, even in, once again,
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  Dr. Jenny Byrne's book, ADHD and Professionals.
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  She does not have ADHD. And the research that she has done on the human brain
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  and on memory and attention, she has come to the conclusion that ADHD is simply a brain variant.
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  And that from a historical perspective, an epigenetic perspective,
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  it must have at least had some advantages in order to continue with us from,
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  you know, an evolving kind of perspective.
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  So in other words I think a reason why we can feel lonely is when what we hear,
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  is the negatives I don't think we need to be reminded of what those are and
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  I think that can be isolating,
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  the last one here I already kind of mentioned but being on technology all the
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  time I think sometimes we miss out on opportunities to connect.
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  Maybe because we're burnt out we're tired or overwhelmed and so we go to our
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  phones or maybe out of habit we start scrolling on our phones and I think that
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  That can take us away from those in-person interactions.
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  Even, you know, if you go to a restaurant, how many times have you seen a couple
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  or a family sitting there and they're all on devices?
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  And this is not to blame or to put shame or guilt on anyone,
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  but I think that is another reason why we can feel so lonely.
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  Now, don't worry. This sounded like a lot of negativity all here at the beginning.
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  We will get into what we can do about it.
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  But why is connection so important? the book ADHD 2.0 talks about the power
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  of connection and how incredibly important that is and then there's an article
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  here as well that talks and I'll link it below it talks about how.
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  Incorporating social support and connections is critical for overall health
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  and for healthy habits to be sustainable.
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  It talks about how it can decrease cardiovascular mortality.
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  It can improve cancer survival in this research article. It's incredible how
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  much connection can help with our overall health and our mental health.
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  So what can we do about it? If you're feeling lonely, I want you to know I see
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  you, I hear you, I feel you.
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  It is so hard, and it's so hard when you are in a place of feeling lonely already.
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  It's hard to do something about it. It's hard to reach out. I want to encourage you.
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  Your feelings are valid. It's okay to experience those and to move through those,
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  to say out loud, I feel alone.
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  I feel like nobody understands me. I feel like no one gets it.
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  I feel like no one wants to be in a relationship with me.
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  And acknowledging the fact that there is grief in that experience.
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  And I want you to know as well, this is something even recently I have battled
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  with again and again that lie from the enemy of nobody wants to be friends with you.
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  Nobody wants you around. And that is what it is. It's a lie.
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  It is not true. It can feel like that, but that is not the case.
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  So let's look here at what we can do about it.
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  The first step is to know who you are.
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  In ADHD 2.0, it says if you know who you are, it becomes easier to like who you are.
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  Why do we need to know who we are if we're going to build relationships and social connection?
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  One, we need to know who are our people. If we don't know who we are,
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  we can't find the right people if we are masking. So knowing who we are.
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  We also, if we want to get involved in things, we need to know what kinds of
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  things do we want to get involved in? what do we enjoy?
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  What is life-giving and enjoyable for us?
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  If this is something you want help with as well, this is built into the entire
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  course that I have built that is coming out in January of this next year.
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  So if you head to adhdwithconfidence.com forward slash ADHD course,
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  you can sign up for the wait list so that you don't miss when that launches.
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  The second part after we know who we are.
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  Is to know our worth. And separate from knowing who we are, so our identity,
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  things that we enjoy, things that we dislike, how we want to spend our time,
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  knowing our worth is a deep knowing and understanding of being made in God's
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  image, not being made wrong.
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  Yes, we can acknowledge that we have struggles, but we can also acknowledge that,
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  in Christ we can do anything we can do anything with him and that our worth
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  is not dependent on our accomplishment it's also not dependent on how many friends
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  we have and it's not dependent on what others think of us the reality is is that,
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  we aren't going to be friends with everybody that's another piece i didn't have
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  in here but i'm adding it now is our expectations for connections with people what are we expecting,
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  If we're expecting the person to fill a void in us, we're going to be disappointed.
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  Even if it's a best friend or a spouse or a sibling, somebody you expect more
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  from, they are not going to be able to replace what only Jesus can fill in our hearts.
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  And I know this firsthand, and I repeat this mistake over and over and over again.
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  And each time I am humbled and reminded of the fact that I am expecting my friends,
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  my family, my husband, to be Jesus in my life. And they cannot be that.
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  That is not ever going to work out. So we need to turn to Jesus for our worth
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  and for that filling of our spirit.
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  And then from there, we can reach out into relationship, into social connection
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  from a place where we are more whole.
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  The third part is to create an environment where you can thrive.
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  Now, I talked about this in my last episode a couple episodes ago,
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  and I also talk about this in the steps of my ADHD confidence course.
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  So once again, adhdwithconfidence.com forward slash adhd course we go so,
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  deep into each of these areas and i'm so excited for you guys to,
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  start the course and to work through it and understand we're going to talk about
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  the basics like your sleep sleep makes such an incredible difference recent
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  research has come out about adhd medication,
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  not necessarily changing our attention so much as creating a sense of wakefulness
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  as if we had a really good night's sleep.
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  Something else is nutrition and hydration, making sure your body has the nutrients
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  it needs in order to thrive.
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  And even beyond that, what makes you unique?
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  Do you love being creative? Are you...
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  Into art or reading? Do you have a book club?
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  Do you host things? Do you bake? Do you cook?
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  Do you encourage others? What are your giftings and how can you use those?
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  Because part of creating an environment and a life where you are thriving is
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  that piece of understanding who
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  you are at your core and how you can then implement that into your life.
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  Another piece that we work through within the course as well that's going to
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  help you thrive, that's going to help you move away from that loneliness,
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  is being able to move past unforgiveness, move past comparison,
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  perfectionism, rejection, the fear of rejection that holds us back.
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  These are the things that are preventing us from living that fulfilling,
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  meaningful, whole life that we so deeply desire.
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  Now when we create these circumstances where we can thrive,
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  it allows us to become more resilient when it becomes when it comes to building
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  relationships and what i mean by that is
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  we're creating a better foundation so that when that sense of rejection or abandonment
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  chips away at us we're starting,
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  with we're starting with more confidence to start off with so that we can have
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  more resilience to try in our relationships and in our friendships.
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  Number four for what we can do about it.
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  Is to practice. I like practicing Mel Robbins' Let Them Theory.
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  So if you're not familiar with it, highly recommend that book.
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  But essentially understanding that some people will not want to be friends with us.
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  Some people will think things about us that are not nice.
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  And it's important to let them, to let them make their choices, think what they will.
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  And then we have a second part where we get to decide who we are in relationship
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  with, who we listen to, and where we spend our time.
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  Because the reality, that first part, is we don't actually have control over other people.
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  And by saying, you know, let them think what they will, we're recognizing the
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  fact that we don't have control.
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  And it relieves a lot of the pressure that we otherwise have of people pleasing,
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  trying to get everybody to like us when that in reality is not possible.
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  So when we can let them be and then focus on what we can do and who we can build
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  relationships with, it will be a lot healthier than trying to control other people.
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  Number five is finding your people. Part of this is doing the things you love,
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  being kind, saying hi to people, giving it a chance, reaching out to friends you already have,
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  making plans with your friends for the next time you'll get together.
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  I like to do that when I'm already with somebody.
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  I can use that body doubling support and we make plans for the next time that we get together.
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  But finding your people and then investing in those people, investing in those
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  relationships that you already have around you.
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  Another one here that I don't talk about often in this podcast, but.
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  Another part with moving past loneliness when you are feeling lonely is in your
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  relationships or when you meet people is asking deep questions,
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  asking heart-centered questions of,
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  what has brought you joy lately? What are you struggling through?
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  What are you proud of yourself for?
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  What have you learned lately about yourself, about your kids,
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  about your spouse, about yourself and your job, whatever it is?
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  But asking these deep questions. And then there's another part to this.
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  The second part is to listen. And for me, part of that means when I hear a response
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  from somebody that I care deeply about, they've told me part of their heart
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  is such an honor when they share, is I write it down.
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  I have a note on my phone where I write down updates from people because this
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  is what happens sometimes.
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  We hear it we care we understand we process and then somewhere in between it
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  gets jumbled with other information in our brains and we remember it differently,
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  or we might forget and i feel like that's so devastating because it feels.
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  Possibly to the other person like then we don't care which is not the case so
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  that's my advice here is to ask those deep questions to build deeper relationships with people,
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  then to listen then to write it down so the next time you're getting together
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  with that friend for coffee you can take a look at the note on your phone,
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  and you can say right she was working through this really hard challenge I can
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  ask her how that's going and I promise you that is going to make her feel loved and cared for,
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  now the last and number seven last but not least least when you are struggling
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  with loneliness and you are trying to build connection in your life I want you
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  to focus on moments of connection.
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  What I mean by that is it's not going to be perfect. We're not always going to feel connected.
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  It's not going to be this picture-perfect, you know, fireworks and everything is going well.
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  There are going to be these small moments of connection.
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  Maybe it's with a spouse, a family member, a close friend, or maybe it's with
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  somebody at the store or the coffee shop where there's that moment of connection
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  with another human being.
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  But I want you to focus on those moments because.
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  When we stop trying to make it about the bigger picture of every single friendship
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  we have and the entirety of all of those, we take that pressure away and we
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  focus on, hey, I had a great moment
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  of connection with that friend that I ran into.
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  I had a friend yesterday I ran into at the coffee shop unexpectedly.
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  She came and sat down. She was meeting some other people, came and sat down
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  and talked with me for about five minutes.
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  It was a beautiful moment of connection. Was I there with her?
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  No. Did we visit for an hour? No.
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  But it was a moment of connection. And I think when you can take the pressure
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  off and focus on those smaller moments and recognize those smaller moments are what lead
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  to those deeper, more meaningful relationships in the end. It takes those little moments.
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  Now I'm going to quickly recap these for you as I do.
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  If you are feeling lonely, seven things. Number one, to know who you are.
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  Be curious. Ask questions.
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  Number two, know your worth. It doesn't change based on friendships,
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  connection, accomplishments, or anything. Your worth is unchanging.
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  Number three, create an environment where you can thrive, where you feel alive.
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  Number four, practice the let them theory, let go of control.
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  Number five, find and foster your people, your relationships with your people.
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  Number six ask good questions and then remember to listen and write those down,
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  and then number seven focus on the moments of connection,
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  i hope this has blessed you i hope it has encouraged you in some way if you
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  ever have any more questions feel free to reach out to
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  kelsey at adhdwith confidence.com or you can reach out via the website as well
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  i love to hear from you i love to connect please don't hesitate to reach out
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  until next time god bless.