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How Rudy the Giuliani Saved Christmas · Very Fine Friends

0:00
oh holy night
0:21
mr groban is that you no it's mrs groban
0:30
hey everyone hey um you had a story to tell me yeah i was thinking about christmas i was
0:40
thinking about christmas time holiday time and i was remembering that when i was um
0:45
when i was in elementary school we used to do
0:50
shows in like concerts and and i got chosen to sing silver bells
0:58
and that's the one hey royalty to me oh sorry this is just like that movie the santa claus
1:06
the original singer is dead it is me now oh okay anyway that's how that works yeah so i was like
1:13
all excited to sing and they gave me like a lyric sheet um but there was a typo on the lyric sheet
1:18
but i didn't know this like the words yeah so it was my first time like seeing the words in print
1:22
so i was like oh i've been wrong this whole time so i got up there saying i was like
1:26
whatever the lead is like this is santa's big day it's big um scene oh it is this big day yeah so
1:35
i was up there i was like this is santa's dig scene and people were like what
1:42
and i was like no like because cole oh i thought it was like hey man i really dig this scene
1:51
yeah and then i found out like it was supposed to be big scene and i was like who typed this
1:55
yeah what kind of an idiot this was a school function what kind of idiot i can i can tell
2:01
you the teacher's name but i don't use her real name um she was the she was the first teacher
2:06
who told me it was time to stop hugging the teachers
2:09
we did not get off on the right foot i gave her like a hug one day and she goes
2:16
you're at the age now where these are inappropriate i'm like oh how old were you
2:21
It was in fifth grade.
2:22
You were 10?
2:24
That's some quick math from Juby.
2:27
Not really math so much as memory.
2:30
Yeah, maybe.
2:31
Yeah.
2:31
But yeah, can you believe that?
2:32
Unbelievable.
2:34
And no shame.
2:35
No shame at all.
2:36
It just sticks in my head because she made me feel bad.
2:39
And then I looked at her and she had very hairy arms.
2:42
Oh, so you dodged a bullet.
2:44
Yeah.
2:44
Who wants that?
2:45
Yeah, I could have caught that.
2:48
Yeah.
2:48
But you'll notice.
2:51
Francis was just showing us his arms, listeners.
2:54
And it's only some hair.
2:56
It's an appropriate amount of hair.
2:58
Occasional rabbits.
3:01
Occasional rabbits, yes.
3:04
Well, that really put me in the Christmas spirit.
3:07
Merry Christmas, everybody.
3:09
Merry Christmas.
3:11
It's Christmas Day.
3:13
The turkeys are in the oven.
3:17
They're already dead, though.
3:18
Don't be alarmed.
3:19
No, mine's alive.
3:22
Can you hear it in the distance?
3:24
Yeah, she's turning it up one degree an hour.
3:27
Yep.
3:27
It's never going to realize what's happened.
3:29
It's like a frog boiling in water.
3:31
Yeah, it's taking off its sweater.
3:39
I've gotten...
3:40
I got the ham in the window of the butcher shop.
3:43
The one that's as big as me.
3:46
We're going to have a feast tonight.
3:48
And I bought myself a present.
3:50
Oh.
3:51
What'd you get?
3:53
I don't want to tell myself yet.
3:54
Oh, okay.
3:55
And I wrapped it in a bone.
3:56
It's not time for presents yet.
3:57
No, it's time for being grateful.
3:59
Oh.
4:00
Well, I'm grateful for you.
4:02
Likewise.
4:03
Thank you.
4:03
I'm also grateful for her words.
4:06
For our producer, Joe.
4:08
Oh.
4:09
I guess I'll be grateful for Joe, too.
4:11
It's good karma.
4:13
Yeah.
4:14
I'm grateful that Jenna is grateful for me.
4:17
Oh, that makes it all worthwhile.
4:19
I only like to be grateful when people appreciate my gratefulness.
4:24
That's the magic of Christmas.
4:25
Of Christmas.
4:28
That's the proper way.
4:29
Christ-mas.
4:30
Yes, yes.
4:31
Quick interruption.
4:33
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
4:42
Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
4:52
If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
4:56
And right before we die, we add up all the points.
5:01
And then we get a prize, whoever has the most points, for guessing the most secret words.
5:07
Here's Joe with today's secret words.
5:09
Jenna's secret word is spectator
5:13
Jenna's decoy word is withheld
5:16
Francis' secret word is bloodline
5:19
Francis' decoy word is trance
5:23
back to the pod
5:25
as we celebrate a tiny baby's birth
5:28
I like to think back
5:33
on the year
5:35
I don't know where I was going with that
5:39
I like to think back to all the other Christmases I've had before.
5:44
And how this one's going to blow it out of the water.
5:46
Oh, yeah.
5:47
Oh, yeah.
5:49
You know, I like the idea of being an adult.
5:53
Maybe.
5:54
I don't drink, by the way, but picking up a handle of some alcohol, going back to my house, putting on some music, and just falling on the couch.
6:02
No food.
6:03
No gifts.
6:04
No people.
6:05
A hungry man TV dinner in the microwave.
6:08
If I'm lucky.
6:09
Yeah.
6:09
and there's pictures of mashed potatoes on the on the box
6:13
thank you potatoes for your sacrifice that's what i'm grateful for
6:18
potatoes oh me too how great is a potato so great
6:21
which is like nuts that we ever ate that right like that we ever ate a potato
6:26
like if you saw a potato loose you'd be like this is just a soft rock
6:29
a hundred percent yeah i'd be like you were the worst gatherer
6:34
kill him yes what are you what are you gathering this for
6:38
you dug this out of the ground you're nuts phil had a mental collapse he's digging in dirt for food
6:44
and then to be like you know what i bet if we give this thing a nice bath if we just like
6:49
pretty woman this like it's gonna be amazing phil washed the the soft rock and we just let him
6:58
because it's like he's going through stuff maybe he was just using it as a loofah oh and then it's
7:02
And peeling the potato at the same time.
7:04
And it kind of peeled because he had an inappropriate amount of hair,
7:10
inappropriate rabbits.
7:12
And so it peeled that potato.
7:15
Yeah, hundreds of thousands of years later,
7:17
his descendant was my teacher.
7:21
Mrs. Potato Head.
7:23
Oh.
7:23
Oh, and that's why she wrote dig is because she was having ancestral
7:26
memories of digging the potato out of the ground.
7:28
Oh, my God.
7:30
Wow.
7:33
Yeah, but then someone probably was like, just take a bite to be nice.
7:36
We're going to have to kill him later tonight.
7:38
Yeah.
7:39
And they were like, wait.
7:41
What?
7:46
Someone got so angry.
7:50
They were like, what are you bringing this to us for?
7:52
Then they mashed and mashed and mashed.
7:54
And then it looked pretty good after that.
7:56
Yeah.
7:57
And then someone tripped and their bowl of melted butter just went right onto it.
8:01
And then someone was trying to have good luck,
8:05
and so they threw salt over behind their shoulder,
8:07
and it landed on the mashed potato,
8:09
and then it's like, we can't waste this now.
8:12
And then they got left out in the sun, so they were twice baked.
8:15
Oh, yeah.
8:17
Plus doobies.
8:21
That kind of bake, too.
8:22
The tale of the potato.
8:24
A beautiful story.
8:25
Yeah.
8:25
Potato.
8:26
Oh, potato.
8:28
Nice, Joe.
8:28
Potato.
8:29
it's a christmas miracle
8:32
oh well speaking of christmas miracles hi yep
8:39
no it is miraculous how you always have an invention of the week and it is time now
8:48
for such an invention i almost said adventure invention i want an adventure too okay well
8:57
let's take an adventure with the invention of the week.
9:03
Inventions.
9:07
This is a Christmas invention.
9:09
Yay.
9:10
By me,
9:11
Francis Phillips.
9:14
Good.
9:16
Good fake name,
9:17
Francis.
9:19
Okay,
9:19
here it is.
9:20
Okay.
9:21
You know how we want stuff?
9:23
I do know that.
9:27
You know how there's so much stuff to want?
9:30
Yeah.
9:30
You know how stuff's expensive?
9:32
Yes.
9:34
Guess what?
9:36
What?
9:37
I have an answer.
9:39
Are you inventing Santa?
9:41
Just I want to know right now.
9:43
No.
9:43
That would be a good idea, though.
9:46
Santa's already been invented.
9:50
By...
9:50
Corporate America.
9:52
Can I just take a little side divergence about Santa?
9:56
Yeah.
9:56
since we're in the Christmas spirit and talking about Santa.
10:00
You may.
10:03
I love Santa.
10:05
And there's a part of me that thinks he is actually real.
10:08
I just want to say that.
10:11
Whenever I see like a mall Santa,
10:12
and if it's a really good mall Santa,
10:14
I get like a little like catch in my throat
10:16
where I'm like, he's here.
10:18
You like the magic of it.
10:20
I do.
10:20
I love the magic of it.
10:21
And it's like kind of like seeing a celebrity.
10:22
I'm like, I can't believe he's here.
10:24
Kind of like put you in a trance, you would say?
10:26
Yeah, and I love it. And there was a very, very long period of time that I refused to hear anything to the contrary about Santa. I was way too old to be fighting this hard for it, but I did. So Santa, if you're listening, and I know you are, I got your back, buddy. And just give me an autograph or something. Because I'm your number one fan. Okay, sorry. Go back to your adventure.
10:55
I'm glad you said that because when he wakes from his hibernation, which should be about now.
11:00
Well, no, I mean, he's probably settling in now.
11:04
It's Christmas Day.
11:06
Yeah.
11:07
Well, he's got everything so dialed in.
11:09
He's got 24 hours.
11:12
He and Mrs. Claus veg out in front of the TV.
11:15
And then he sleeps for like nine months.
11:18
Yeah.
11:19
That's why he's so fat.
11:21
Yeah.
11:22
Sleeping is the leading cause of obesity.
11:23
Because he's a sleep eater, too.
11:25
Yeah.
11:25
A few people know that about Santa.
11:27
So he's resting away.
11:28
And instead of getting that good fasting time, no, he's shoveling potatoes.
11:35
Yeah.
11:36
In his sleep.
11:37
From olden times.
11:38
Yep.
11:39
He saved them.
11:40
Yeah.
11:41
From olden times.
11:43
Well, God bless you, Santa.
11:46
Yeah.
11:47
Okay.
11:48
Back to the invention.
11:50
Okay.
11:50
Which is great.
11:53
Here it is.
11:55
The invention is, isn't it stupid that, okay, I want to buy this product, but this product is $100.
12:07
I bet you a thousand other people want the same product.
12:12
Yeah.
12:13
My invention is a website slash app that people put in what they're going to buy.
12:20
Like the gift buyers.
12:22
they put in what they're going to buy
12:25
and then we tally up all the quantities
12:29
and then we go to the
12:31
the company goes to the manufacturer and says
12:33
what kind of discount can we get on this quantity
12:35
and then
12:37
they buy it in bulk
12:38
and then so you get it for a cheaper price
12:41
and then it gets shipped from the company
12:42
Santa
12:43
incorporated or whatever
12:46
so it's like you're getting the present directly from Santa
12:48
it's cheaper
12:49
it utilizes like
12:52
They're guaranteed a certain level of inventory.
12:54
Exactly.
12:55
So you pay, basically you put your money in company escrow.
13:00
Yeah.
13:00
We hold it.
13:01
We get the discount.
13:03
We purchase the product.
13:04
We ship the product for whatever the event is.
13:09
Okay.
13:10
Okay.
13:10
Now, what about like shipping?
13:18
Because you'd want it to go to individuals.
13:21
So the shipping would have to be.
13:24
So here's something that's interesting.
13:26
I used to buy dog food, like raw dog food from a company that did deliveries for a group, like groups of people.
13:36
And they would, we have a location where we would go like on a Saturday and like we'd all pick up our order.
13:43
Yeah.
13:43
From like a central location.
13:44
So it could be like based on your city.
13:47
It's a pickup zone.
13:48
Like, yeah.
13:48
So you're in Phoenix.
13:49
So you're going to go to.
13:50
Okay.
13:51
Plaza? I mean, that's part of the reason why
13:53
buying in bulk is good, because it's like,
13:55
well, we have one shipment to make, right?
13:57
Mm-hmm. Okay.
13:59
And then possibly they could get a discount because
14:01
they're going to actually pick up
14:03
the product from the location.
14:05
Not a lot, but maybe a little
14:07
bit to make it worth their wealth.
14:08
Yeah, every little bit helps.
14:09
Yeah.
14:11
Okay.
14:12
I can't believe this doesn't exist already.
14:15
Honestly. Actually, yeah.
14:17
How about that?
14:19
Wow, Francis.
14:21
it's a christmas miracle
14:24
and there's tracks
14:27
but yes there's a valve system
14:32
okay um yeah i so this would be a third party that kind of collects like
14:44
is like a like a mediator like hey
14:48
tonka trucks we got a thousand people in phoenix that would buy a tonka truck if it was
14:56
15 instead of 25 well we're basically a wholesaler at this point so it's like we just go to wait
15:04
did you just invent sam's club and amazon yeah and amazon but we're passing more of the discounts
15:11
See, the thing about making a profit is it's great to make a profit.
15:14
You don't need to make all the profit.
15:16
You can be good for the people.
15:18
You know?
15:20
Just give us a little Just a taste Just what our beaks Just a little potato in our mouth Yeah Wait okay
15:31
So wait, how is this different then?
15:34
It started so good.
15:36
It started really good.
15:38
I forgot about those things.
15:39
It's not a big corporate giant.
15:44
So it's good just because we're better people
15:46
than Jeff Bezos and Sam of Sam's Club.
15:49
Here's the difference.
15:51
We don't need
15:52
Dr. Sam. Dr. Club.
15:54
We don't need employees
15:56
because no one's picking orders and delivering it.
15:59
We're just basically taking an order
16:01
from the public and being like
16:02
you don't gotta pay shipping.
16:05
You just pay us a fee
16:06
and we'll get you your
16:08
product.
16:10
We're doing what Amazon does except
16:12
we're saying you have to do the work on your end.
16:15
You can't give us
16:17
your inventory.
16:18
So it's not as good of a discount as Amazon?
16:23
Now that I think of it, they probably get pretty good prices on those items.
16:29
Yeah.
16:34
Sugar crush!
16:41
Well, I can guarantee you it's a good idea in my heart.
16:47
No, it struck me immediately.
16:52
I do think there is something to be said for gauging general interest.
17:02
And just kind of getting like a survey of like,
17:12
I was going to say like a survey of what people would pay for something.
17:15
but then you get a lot of people being like i'd only pay ten dollars for it because they want it
17:20
cheaper but if you made people put their money where their mouth is if it is like an escrow
17:25
account how about this let's let's pivot um love a good christmas pivot
17:31
um i was thinking real quick you know sometimes you like let's say joe wants something
17:39
i know he does let's say i want something i know you do joe has it
17:45
what i have what joe wants this system is like oh you know what joe wants what you have and you
17:53
want what joe has let's do a swap and if it's like there's a value difference then i can pay
18:01
or he can pay a little bit more to get the item like like ebay or craigslist yeah i think this
18:08
also already exists.
18:10
No, no, no, no, no, no.
18:10
Nope.
18:12
No.
18:13
No.
18:14
Oh, okay.
18:15
No.
18:16
Mrs. Grubin?
18:22
You don't get to trade on eBay.
18:25
You gotta buy something.
18:26
You trade money.
18:27
I mean.
18:30
But then you can also sell the thing
18:32
that you no longer want
18:33
to get said money.
18:34
And you can probably
18:35
trade in-kind items
18:37
on like Facebook Marketplace or Craigslist or something.
18:47
I like the spirit of this.
18:51
I feel like there is a key element that we're missing
18:53
that would actually make this different than something that already exists.
18:58
Maybe like the product,
19:01
like instead of like toy corporations,
19:05
like whoever makes Tonka, Tonka trucks.
19:07
We're really plugging Tonka today.
19:10
Well, like going back to Jenna's example, what if instead it was like,
19:13
like furniture stores, but like not like big box furniture stores.
19:19
Little box furniture stores.
19:20
Well, yeah.
19:20
And that's also like what you were saying about how it'll, it'll,
19:23
it'll do better than those other places.
19:25
Cause it's not a giant corporation.
19:26
Like, okay, well then why don't we work with local like stores,
19:31
places that don't have like giant warehouses and already get good deals from
19:34
Amazon.
19:35
What if this is just a way to destabilize Amazon?
19:39
So we basically work with the people who sell their products on there and we say, who wants
19:44
to come over to our platform?
19:46
Okay.
19:47
Because Amazon takes a big cut.
19:49
I don't know if that's true, but it felt true.
19:51
I have no idea.
19:51
It feels true.
19:52
And I said it with exclamation.
19:54
It felt true.
19:54
Yeah.
19:56
I'm going to let Joe read my backup invention while you and I keep talking.
20:02
It just came to me.
20:05
Well, now I want to know what the backup invention is.
20:15
Technically, this already exists, too.
20:17
Are you sure?
20:19
Oh, I'm sure.
20:22
Man.
20:25
Well.
20:32
Oh, listeners.
20:35
This is going to drive you nuts.
20:40
Not knowing, but we're not going to say it on pod.
20:42
So I'm going to say this.
20:44
If any listener tags us on social media and asks us what the Christmas, the secret Christmas
20:50
invention is, we will reveal it.
20:53
So on social media at very fine friends, you can find out what the secret invention this
21:01
week is.
21:02
It's the only way to find out.
21:03
Oh, a secret Santa.
21:05
It's all Secret Santa.
21:06
Yes.
21:07
And we'll ship you one.
21:08
Yep.
21:11
And.
21:11
Asterisk.
21:12
No, we won't.
21:15
But maybe.
21:17
We didn't say when we'd ship it.
21:19
That's true.
21:21
Only one way to find out.
21:23
Stay alive and wait.
21:24
Yeah.
21:26
So if you haven't received it, it's not because it's been withheld.
21:29
It just means it's still in transit.
21:34
it yes yes yes um okay well i feel like there is a way other than us just being better people than
21:45
jeff bezos which i don't know am i am i really you are you sure yeah i do have better hair but
21:54
that's not hard i don't i i don't look like an evil snake he looks like an evil snake or like
22:02
he looks like one of those hairless dogs.
22:06
You know?
22:07
He looks like the beak of a bird.
22:12
That has not been wet.
22:17
Sorry, Jeff.
22:18
You dry beak freak.
22:20
We'll take this episode down if you give us a lot of money.
22:23
Yeah.
22:25
Yeah.
22:27
After all that, I'm better than Jeff Bezos.
22:30
We're not better than Jeff Bezos.
22:32
We're hungry out here.
22:34
You've forgotten what it's like to be hungry.
22:36
Yeah.
22:38
You're satiated.
22:41
Lauren Sanchez, if you're listening, and I know you are, I'll take your money too.
22:47
That money you've gotten from being married to Bezos.
22:50
So I think that's her name.
22:52
It is.
22:52
I think.
22:53
I think so.
22:54
Hold on.
22:54
I just want to say hi to someone else real quick.
22:56
Okay.
22:56
Hi, Mackenzie.
22:58
Hi.
23:01
Mackenzie.
23:02
Bezos?
23:02
Yeah.
23:03
He did you wrong, girl.
23:05
Yeah, she's giving away b-b-b-billions.
23:07
Yeah, you know who needs b-b-b-billions?
23:10
M-m-m-m-me.
23:11
Yep.
23:13
Just Francis.
23:15
Thanks.
23:16
I have a name for the invention if you're interested.
23:17
I am interested.
23:19
It was going to be giftsfrommomanddata.com.
23:25
Okay.
23:26
Shorthand, momanddata.
23:30
Okay.
23:31
D-A-T-A.
23:32
Yeah.
23:33
Oh, data.
23:35
Yeah.
23:35
I thought you were just saying dad weird.
23:37
Dad.
23:38
Data.
23:39
Hey, let me try again.
23:40
Gifts from momanddata.com.
23:44
This Christmas.
23:50
How about, real quick.
23:51
Okay.
23:52
You got a bunch of stuff you don't need and you're going to give it away, right?
23:54
Yeah.
23:56
Give it to us.
23:57
Don't give it to Goodwill.
23:58
Tell us what you got.
23:58
If it's not crap, we'll put it on our website.
24:01
Other people can claim it.
24:04
This also exists.
24:06
Isn't this goodwill?
24:08
I feel like life's going to be over soon because everything's been done and ideas are old now.
24:15
No, you have some very original ideas.
24:18
There are definitely things you have invented that no one has ever thought of.
24:22
And I feel pretty confident that we could have gotten years without people thinking of it.
24:28
So pick yourself up.
24:31
kid
24:31
I'm up
24:34
good
24:36
he was on the floor for a while
24:39
listeners
24:39
but he's up now
24:41
yeah thank you I believe myself again
24:43
good
24:44
no this is just
24:47
I mean these are good
24:50
I feel like there's one missing component
24:52
in this that would make it work
24:54
don't know what it is
24:57
I just feel like
24:58
or that make it wouldn't distinguish it in a way that it makes it materially different
25:02
well you know just think about this way a lot of people don't want to give their money to amazon
25:09
for their own reasons yeah they just don't believe in it so if they had an alternative
25:13
where they could literally like even with it for like a trip like oh you want to buy it like you
25:19
can get like discount bulk airline tickets like how many people want to go to this place on this
25:23
and, you know,
25:25
we could buy a bunch of bulk airline tickets
25:27
and give it to them at a discount.
25:30
You know?
25:30
Yeah.
25:31
Is that what Groupon is?
25:43
Gunshot.
25:47
I was literally about to say
25:49
the next thing Francis is going to invent
25:50
is a gun to shoot himself with.
25:53
let me see if they have one on momandata.com
25:57
oh yeah i forgot about groupon i did do it till do you use it buy a bunch of tickets a book and
26:06
then anyone like yeah it was like oh yeah groupon that's that's the thing that was the material thing
26:11
that i was missing and the next thing i was about to invent was a flea market so were you
26:17
gonna call it a flea market no i was just thinking like people could take all the stuff they want to
26:21
sell instead of waiting for people to come to their house they could put it in another location
26:24
someone could also could be there to stand there vendors and watch your stuff for you while you're
26:30
not there and there's prices on it and i'm like oh i've been there it's called the brass armadillo
26:33
and then on the weekend sometimes farmers can come and they can bring their wares
26:39
into a parking lot of a church and uh they can sell them directly to the consumers
26:45
hey well the good news is this is a great idea because provably it's a great idea
26:55
and you tricked me at first because at first i was like yes why let's do this and then forgot that
27:03
it had been done
27:05
frances looks like he's descended into a dark night of the soul
27:10
why am i here
27:14
but because i made
27:19
silver bells
27:23
well that's okay uh we stopped my turkey slowly dying in the oven
27:31
we get to enjoy that after this it's true there are some things to look forward to yeah
27:36
He's taking off his pants now.
27:38
Oh, good.
27:39
It's getting warm in there.
27:42
Socks are still on, oddly.
27:44
He's embarrassed of his feet.
27:46
I get that.
27:46
I do, too.
27:48
He's got weird.
27:49
He's got weird little claws.
27:52
All right.
27:52
Well, congratulations on a truly great idea.
27:56
Thanks.
27:58
I'm sorry you're late to the market.
28:00
That's okay.
28:02
We learn most from our failures.
28:04
That's true.
28:06
But this, I still consider this a success.
28:09
Maybe Jeff will take pity on me.
28:12
Just send me a check.
28:14
I'll take a pity check.
28:15
Yeah.
28:16
Why not?
28:16
You can even put it in the memo.
28:18
Yeah.
28:19
For pitiful.
28:22
I just hold my thumb over it as I'm handing it to them.
28:25
But I want him to give you a giant novelty check.
28:28
So it's real big.
28:30
So that everybody sees it.
28:32
You gotta like pop it sideways.
28:34
in front of it. I'm going to the beach after this.
28:37
Don't look at me.
28:41
Alright, well, Jeff,
28:43
we look forward to your check.
28:45
Thank you for doing that,
28:47
by the way. We really appreciate it. It means a lot.
28:49
It keeps the invention idea going.
28:50
And then we won't call you
28:52
a weird snake or Dr. Evil anymore.
28:55
You're a cool snake.
28:56
With wonderful hair. Better than me.
28:58
Dr. Benevolent, even.
28:59
Yeah.
29:01
Professor Benevolent.
29:04
benevolent.
29:07
Emeritus.
29:08
Oh, yeah.
29:10
Emeritus. That's a fun title.
29:13
Yeah. You get to be
29:14
Emeritus. Professor Emeritus.
29:16
I don't know what that is.
29:18
No one does.
29:20
Too busy in the idea factory.
29:22
Yeah, exactly. Ripping off
29:24
other ideas, apparently.
29:27
Well,
29:29
that wraps up,
29:30
I think, a successful
29:32
Christmas
29:33
invention of the week.
29:35
Merry Christmas.
29:37
It's time for our next segment,
29:40
Parallel Christmas.
29:44
You are now entering Parallel Christmas.
29:52
Francis, would you like to explain this segment?
29:54
Yes.
29:56
Yes.
29:57
Parallel Christmas is a very interesting segment
29:59
wherein Jenna and I will improvise a new Christmas
30:03
that's different than the Christmas you've come to love and enjoy.
30:09
This ain't your datter's Christmas.
30:12
Your datter's Christmas.
30:14
Your datter's Christmas.
30:16
Did you just lay that egg?
30:17
That was good.
30:18
Yeah.
30:19
Anyway, yeah, so we'll be unveiling new Christmas traditions,
30:23
tweaking old ones.
30:24
Things will seem familiar and yet be horribly, terribly different.
30:29
yeah okay Jenna Francis I I just made 24
30:42
cookies for Santa I know he coming soon mm and I just ate them all and spit them up into a big vase just like he likes Good good And I brought in the cow so he could milk it
30:56
For his fresh milk.
30:57
For his fresh milk.
30:59
Bessie, settle down.
31:03
That's right.
31:04
Santa's coming.
31:06
You're going to feel those calluses on his thumbs, his milking thumbs.
31:13
All right, Bessie.
31:14
All right.
31:14
Settle down.
31:15
Oh, yeah.
31:16
I'm just so excited.
31:18
Since it's 2025, that means that Santa has to lose 2,025 pounds.
31:29
Luckily, he has that to spare.
31:31
I know.
31:32
It's such a – it's nice that they only make him gain one extra pound a year.
31:38
It makes it a more reasonable goal.
31:41
This is like 2026 isn't going to be so daunting for him because he's like,
31:44
Well, I just did 2025, so I'm going to do one more.
31:49
I appreciate that about...
31:51
Oh, is that what your parents told you?
31:52
Us?
31:53
Is that not?
31:54
No.
31:54
Immediately after the Christmas is over, it all comes back.
31:59
No.
32:00
So, yeah.
32:02
It's the curse of Santa for him.
32:05
Great for us.
32:07
Well, yeah.
32:07
We get joy out of it every...
32:09
I mean, I feel bad for the people that were born in the year three.
32:14
They had the skinny Santa.
32:18
I know.
32:19
Who wants that?
32:19
That's scary.
32:20
Skinny man coming down your chimney?
32:21
Oh, it's the stuff of nightmares.
32:23
Slenderman.
32:23
That's where that Slenderman, that video game came from.
32:26
It was actually Santa.
32:27
Yeah.
32:28
Early Santa.
32:29
And he was in a black outfit because of the soot.
32:32
Sooty, sooty Slenderman.
32:34
Because people in the year three didn't, they didn't have chimney sweeps like we do.
32:38
Thank God.
32:39
Speaking of which, Bert, are you almost finished in the chimney?
32:43
You almost finished sweeping the chimney?
32:45
No!
32:46
I'm open here for a while!
32:49
Okay, Bert.
32:51
You just holler when you're done.
32:54
Oh, not done.
32:58
Wow, my Bert died years ago.
33:00
Yeah.
33:01
No, my Bert's been around for 61 years.
33:07
Wow.
33:08
We must be excited for him to finally pass on
33:10
because then he shrinks into an ornament as we all know i know speaking of which
33:16
look at my life-size lebron james i've decorated him for the season
33:26
oh wow i'm so behind oh wow i went to the i went to the the lot just a few weeks ago i picked out
33:35
everyone picks out whatever basketball player they want to decorate every year
33:39
or their mom
33:40
or the basketball player's mom
33:43
could be anyone in the bloodline
33:44
just as long as
33:47
there's a jumper in the family
33:49
yeah I chose his niece
33:52
oh that's sweet
33:54
yeah because I don't have a lot of room
33:56
so I could only get a short one
34:00
it's kind of like a
34:01
Charlie Brown's Christmas tree
34:04
kind of thing picking the niece
34:06
the little sad one that doesn't get chosen
34:09
Yeah. Well, later tonight, if you're not busy, I thought that you could come with me and my family as we drive around and bludgeon carolers.
34:22
Oh, I would love that. I have my bludgeoning stick all ready to go. And don't worry, I didn't clean off the blood from last year.
34:30
Okay, you say that.
34:31
No, I would never.
34:33
It's, in fact, I, you can see, you could peel back all the blood layer by layer, year by year.
34:38
You can see, like, see, look, look.
34:40
Oh.
34:41
Oh, 2019.
34:42
Okay, you're right.
34:42
That was a big year.
34:44
Hold on, let me spray some aluminum on that.
34:47
All right.
34:49
All right, it's blood.
34:50
You're a regular Dexter.
34:52
Which reindeer are you going to kiss on the lips?
34:56
I think this year I'm going to go with Jackson.
35:08
Good choice.
35:10
Thank you.
35:10
He's got a Cupid's bow and a minty tongue.
35:15
Yeah.
35:19
Do you hear the geese?
35:21
The Hanukkah geese.
35:23
Yes.
35:26
Great choice.
35:30
I've decided to kiss them all.
35:32
Ooh.
35:33
You're doing the round robin.
35:35
Yes.
35:36
The reindeer round robin.
35:37
The reindeer round robin.
35:38
I'm starting with Jackson, and then I'm going to work my way all the way around to Hoofer.
35:45
Can you name all the reindeer?
35:48
Jackson.
35:49
Sangria.
35:52
Tyler.
35:54
Yep, Tyler.
35:54
Bridge over troubled water.
35:59
Moose.
36:02
Macaulay.
36:04
And.
36:05
Culkin.
36:07
And Hofer.
36:08
And Hofer.
36:09
Yeah.
36:10
They're Tiamese.
36:11
Macaulay and Hofer.
36:12
We can't forget the most famous rain dealer of all.
36:17
The one that saved.
36:17
Rui Giuliani.
36:18
Yep.
36:19
He saved Christmas.
36:21
Yeah.
36:23
Thank you.
36:24
Oh, we should do the prayer.
36:27
I'll do the background music while you pray.
36:34
Rudy the Giuliani.
36:37
You saved Christmas lots of times.
36:47
We wouldn't even be here if you didn't.
36:54
If you didn't eat fair fine foods, foods, foods, foods.
37:01
Then one foggy Christmas Eve.
37:04
Santa lost a toe.
37:06
Santa came to say, Santa's on his way.
37:14
Julie with your auntie so tight.
37:17
Won't you please Santa tonight with your work that you've done?
37:24
all of the other lawyers
37:28
lawyers
37:28
couldn't even believe it
37:32
it happened
37:33
I don't believe
37:34
and now
37:37
Christmas is saved
37:41
and I lost the meter
37:43
to the song
37:44
that was beautiful
37:46
yeah a lot of people
37:51
don't like that one
37:52
which is weird
37:53
Yeah.
37:54
It's a classic.
37:57
It is a classic.
37:59
I don't feel like I have gotten into the Christmas spirit until I am in the grocery store and I hear it for the first time.
38:06
And then it's like, oh, it hits, you know?
38:09
Yeah.
38:09
I don't feel like I get into the Christmas spirit until I'm in the grocery store and one of the employees is ceremonially fired.
38:18
Oh.
38:20
We wait for that.
38:21
The annual firing of the Deborah, which they're not always named Deborah, but Deborah was the first, obviously.
38:28
Yeah.
38:30
She refused to help a poor widow find stuffing.
38:41
And that widow was the wife of the cousin of the neighbor of the Virgin Mary.
38:49
Yep.
38:50
and uh so yeah but she and she was like i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry
38:56
and she just kept saying that and the manager was like sorry i'm sorry yeah you gotta go
39:04
the wife of the cousin of the neighbor of the virgin mary was like the only way you could make
39:11
this right is to fire that woman and then so she walked out into the snow and fell into it
39:20
and rolled into it and she had a weird body yep and so when the snow covered her she looked like
39:27
a snowman yep which is why we call it snow deborahs yeah that's why every year children
39:33
make snow deborahs yeah so she she's still around yeah and sometimes if the children are cheeky
39:41
they put two little carrots where her nipples would be little little carrots well if they're
39:49
really cheeky they'll put long the original deborah did have long nipples yeah there's a whole
39:57
theory about this is like maybe that's the reason yes that they were distracting and then the
40:02
stuffing incident was just a look she couldn't help it and it wasn't her i feel like it was the
40:07
manager's fault for putting her in the frozen food aisle honestly yeah you can't fold them
40:15
in the in that aisle no they're unfoldable no no it's it's like a
40:23
thermometer in a turkey or whatever yeah a little button that pops it's so poor deborah
40:30
Poor, poor Debra.
40:32
But she lives on in lore and tradition.
40:37
Yeah, speaking of tradition, I walked in the nude to the post office.
40:46
Good.
40:47
I thought that was you.
40:50
Yeah.
40:50
Yeah, I did it.
40:51
I just wanted to get it out of the way.
40:53
I know.
40:54
Can I be honest with you?
40:55
I haven't done it yet.
40:57
I don't know what I'm going to...
40:57
We should have done it together.
40:58
I know.
40:58
I know.
40:59
I've been putting it off
41:01
and I know I need to do it
41:02
before the end of
41:03
December 26th
41:04
otherwise
41:04
you better do it before
41:05
before Christmas even
41:07
because I tell you what
41:08
we open our gifts
41:08
you're too tired
41:10
to get naked
41:11
I know
41:11
every year
41:12
well it doesn't help
41:14
that you always buy me
41:15
something cozy
41:15
right I'm in this
41:17
I don't want to take it off
41:18
I know
41:18
and our arms
41:21
famously shrink
41:23
on Christmas
41:23
it's like I can't even
41:24
get to the bottom
41:25
of my sweater
41:25
I know
41:26
and
41:27
nobody wants to
41:29
walk around with shrunken arms.
41:31
So I really should. I should get on it.
41:33
I'll get on it. You really should.
41:35
I'll do it right now.
41:37
Okay.
41:38
You look great.
41:42
Oh, thank you. Merry Christmas.
41:44
Oh, thank you.
41:46
Well, don't
41:47
go yet. Just stay naked, I guess, because I still
41:49
want to talk about Christmas. Oh, yeah. Sorry.
41:51
I'll just sit here on this
41:52
metal seat.
41:56
Fully nude.
41:57
Of course. Of course.
41:59
okay um well i can i confess something to you please every year on christmas christmas is the
42:08
time of confession christmas yes every year on christmas i um i kind of do a little dirty
42:15
secret little thing oh i know it's like crazy um and i want to get it off my chest so i just want
42:22
to tell someone it'll be you i already got everything off my chest so yes it's a naked
42:27
secret between us.
42:29
Every year on Christmas, I go
42:31
downstairs and I
42:34
turn off
42:36
the carbon monoxide detectors.
42:38
Yeah. And
42:39
I back the car into the living room.
42:42
Oh.
42:44
I open the window, obviously.
42:46
And
42:47
I turn it on.
42:50
And I just want to see if Santa will
42:51
turn it off.
42:53
Does he? Yeah.
42:56
Oh. Yeah.
42:57
Santa loves to save the day
42:59
he's a fireman when he's not working
43:01
or hibernating
43:03
that's how he loses the weight
43:04
he's got that fit fireman bot
43:07
yeah is that weird?
43:09
no I think that's beautiful
43:10
I don't
43:13
I don't think that's weird at all
43:16
can I?
43:18
have you ever like
43:19
just like
43:21
tried to watch it happen
43:23
like you got your hands
43:26
the little bars like are the little things on the stairs and you're peeking through you're trying to
43:32
be like a little spectator for santa and like like is he gonna turn it off i think every year i try
43:40
and find santa and i fall asleep and then i wake up on the stairs with little line imprints on your
43:47
and the fire that i've said i've set the couch on fire but it's out because santa did that and
43:53
all is forgiven on christmas yeah oh yeah no you can't get in trouble for arson no carbon monoxide
44:00
buying your mom's jewelry putting cats and trees taking them out of trees different ones yeah
44:07
yeah it's all forgiven on christmas yeah santa also is going to take me with him this year i
44:13
was nominated as the good boy oh really yeah oh i was a semi-finalist once oh you should have won
44:21
thank you you were i came i felt like i came like really close but not close and like it was like
44:26
close enough to be really excited but you uh you how close are you did you i won you were robed by
44:33
the way thank you yeah i was robed yeah you should have got that one oh so that's i can't believe i'm
44:43
2025 good boy of the year i know i get to go in the sack and pull out the gift
44:49
you're the sack boy i am him he is i and then afterward he takes me to waffle house
44:58
in hoboken oh new jersey's beautiful yeah and he stands outside and beats up
45:05
people who want to hurt me while i eat whatever i want
45:09
well i don't know about you francis but i've had a wonderful parallel christmas
45:20
me too good luck jogging with everything oh you mean naked to the post office yeah
45:28
the new jaunt every year you gotta do it
45:33
but Santa's got a gun.
45:39
What did the reindeer do?
45:45
I ran away from...
45:48
Thank you.
45:51
All right, well.
45:52
Merry Christmas, Jenna.
45:53
Merry parallel Christmas, Francis.
45:56
Thank you, and have a happy parallel new year.
46:01
Okay.
46:02
huge success
46:03
I wish that was the real one
46:06
it is the real one
46:07
okay
46:09
yeah I naked look out post office Here I come Me too Nice Thanks Well after this we jaunt
46:21
But first, the big question.
46:25
The question is very big.
46:29
You want to hear a big question?
46:30
I do, please.
46:31
It's Christmas related.
46:32
Yay!
46:34
Let's pretend there's a child and the child is yours.
46:39
Okay.
46:39
Okay, you have a chat.
46:41
All right.
46:43
Your child is so sweet and is like in love with the magic of Christmas.
46:51
A true believer.
46:53
Yeah.
46:54
A kid from school spoils the truth of Christmas.
47:00
Okay.
47:01
Whatever that might be.
47:03
How do you exact your revenge on this older kid?
47:08
Ah, okay.
47:09
All right.
47:16
First, I befriend the child.
47:25
Like, not in a weird way, not a creepy way.
47:28
Like, in a way, like, because this kid, he's from a troubled home, I'm assuming.
47:35
I mean, he is.
47:36
I know he is.
47:37
Bullies don't just bully for fun.
47:39
right exactly so he's a little shitty little latchkey kid and um
47:46
so i basically like
47:50
i i kind of like met let it be like i convinced my child my sweet sweet child like hey
47:58
we got to do the right thing here he's just a bully to be a bully like because he's hurting
48:05
in his real life, right? So it's like, let's teach him the nice ways. Let's make him sweet like you.
48:11
And my kid's so sweet. He just wants like everyone in the world to be sweet, right?
48:15
So I bring this kid. His name is Darren. And Darren, I'm like, Darren,
48:25
you can come over. You can hang out at our house after school. I'll help you with your homework.
48:32
And then whenever your parents get home, that way you're not home by yourself.
48:35
You know, I know it's tough to be like a nine-year-old home by yourself.
48:39
So then Darren at first is like, whatever, I don't need that.
48:44
Whatever, Mrs. Groban, I don't need that.
48:47
And then, but then eventually he kind of likes like coming home to a nice house and having a snack.
48:53
And, and doing his homework and I'm helping him.
48:59
Right.
48:59
And so then he starts to actually like be a nicer kid.
49:04
And so he's becoming like kind of a good, sweet kid and he's evolving and he's like learning to like love family and stuff.
49:18
Okay.
49:20
So then it's like even so much so that like, like, so this is like now this is like all the second semester of school.
49:27
And like, he's, he's really grown attached.
49:30
He's like, he's feels like he's a member of our family now.
49:33
And like, even during the summertime, we have, we go camping every weekend or not every weekend,
49:40
but we go camping every summer, like one weekend, you know, when it gets really hot.
49:44
And then we go up North and camp and they're like, Darren, if you want to come camping with us,
49:47
you can come camping with us.
49:49
And he loves it.
49:50
And he, and this becomes like a tradition.
49:54
So Darren is now like almost a part of our family.
49:56
Right.
49:56
And he finally feels loved.
49:58
He feels accepted.
50:00
He's doing really well in school.
50:06
He's making friends like real friends.
50:09
He's not bullying anymore.
50:12
And then one Christmas Eve, three years later,
50:19
I invite Darren to spend the night at our house and do Christmas with us.
50:24
and then um and the next morning when their kids are at the top of the stairs
50:32
i i kind of like say look down there look at all the presents and there's presents piled up
50:38
so so high right and and so and then they're like so excited they're like oh thank you so much
50:48
Thanks.
50:48
Thanks, Mom.
50:49
He calls me Mom now.
50:51
Yeah.
50:53
And then I was like, you want those presents, Darren?
50:56
And he's like, yeah, thank you so much for including me in your family.
51:01
And then I slice his Achilles tendon.
51:06
His Achilles tendon.
51:09
I was like, good luck getting down the stairs now, bitch.
51:12
Is Christmas ruined for you like you ruined it for my kid?
51:15
and then yeah then he really feels the pain of a ruined christmas and a ruined heel yeah that too
51:24
you forgot to mention that he was getting a a runner scholarship yeah oh yeah you helped him
51:32
with that i will yeah the right young age of 10 yeah yeah he was already that good i know he was
51:37
being scouted yeah by runners university are you yeah are you no you're not
51:45
I think that would be effective
51:48
yeah I think that would be a lesson
51:50
that he learns and then while he's
51:52
lying there at the top of the stairs
51:54
in just absolute agony
51:56
because I think that's supposed to be one of the most painful things
51:58
that can happen to you
51:59
the tear in your atelier's contendent
52:02
I push him down the stairs and
52:03
you're closer to the presence now
52:07
here's a boost
52:08
oh I'm sorry let me help you
52:10
anyway that's how I would do it
52:14
that's good
52:14
that's effective.
52:16
Thank you.
52:16
How would you do it?
52:17
Yeah, how would you do it?
52:20
I would, um...
52:21
How would you exact
52:21
your revenge on Darren?
52:23
Let me tell you what I'd do.
52:25
I would find Darren's father,
52:29
who's probably the source
52:30
of his bulliness.
52:32
Kill the dad.
52:34
Sure.
52:35
Hide the body.
52:37
I would make it,
52:39
over the next year,
52:39
I would help it,
52:41
like all the meat and stuff
52:42
come off.
52:43
like a slow brisket.
52:45
Oh, you're cooking the body.
52:47
I want the bones.
52:48
Okay.
52:49
So I need the meat off.
52:52
You're just so efficient.
52:54
You don't want to waste any part of the Darren's dad.
52:59
Right, of course.
52:59
You use the whole Darren's dad.
53:01
Yeah, Darren is being Darren's dad.
53:03
Darren Sr.
53:04
Yep.
53:04
He's sad.
53:05
Anyway, he's soup.
53:07
Okay.
53:08
And I've got his bones
53:09
and I glue them fastidiously together.
53:12
and into the shape of a human.
53:17
So everything's the way it's supposed to be.
53:19
And this whole time I'm writing Darren letters.
53:23
I write,
53:25
Dear Darren,
53:26
It's Santa.
53:29
I hear you've been talking bad about me
53:32
that I'm not a thing.
53:35
I'm a thing.
53:36
I need you to believe.
53:38
If you don't believe, I'll die.
53:40
If you don't believe, I'll die.
53:41
He wrote it twice.
53:42
And at the very bottom, a tiny, tiny print.
53:44
If you don't believe, I'll die.
53:47
And Darren's like, this is dumb.
53:49
I keep sending these letters all year while I'm gluing his dad back together.
53:55
Christmas Eve, he gets one last letter.
53:58
Darren, the world is counting on you.
54:00
I need you to believe.
54:03
If you don't believe, I'll die.
54:06
Has Darren at any point in time wondered where his dad is?
54:08
yeah that's one of the reasons he's not responding to these letters
54:11
okay
54:12
there is a p.o. box
54:14
like yeah
54:16
he's not that upset because his dad was mean obviously
54:18
that's why I also me a good person
54:21
did not feel bad about what I've done
54:23
right
54:23
anyway
54:25
Darren goes to sleep
54:28
I put the bones in a Santa outfit
54:30
and I drop him down Darren's chimney
54:33
and then when he wakes up
54:39
he finds it
54:41
and in
54:42
the
54:42
skeletal hand of his father
54:44
which he doesn't know
54:45
is his father
54:45
he thinks it's Santa
54:46
there's a
54:47
present
54:48
and when he opens it
54:51
it says
54:51
dear Darren
54:53
you deserve the world
54:56
P.S.
54:57
you're getting kind of thin
54:58
eat up
54:59
and it's condensed soup
55:01
oh
55:04
And the soup is the father.
55:09
Oh, wow.
55:15
But he doesn't know he's eating his father.
55:17
So he just thinks dead Santa gave him some soup.
55:19
There's a email that's scheduled to go out six months later.
55:27
Maybe even a year.
55:30
So we want to make sure he gets all the soup.
55:31
Yeah, he's fully digested all of the soup.
55:33
Yeah.
55:34
And then the letter just says, you ate your dad.
55:39
And that's it.
55:39
Does it have pictures of you making the soup, like the process along the way?
55:43
No, I want to keep being free.
55:45
Oh.
55:45
Oh.
55:46
Yeah, there's no explanation.
55:47
It's just the letter that says, you ate your dad.
55:49
Oh.
55:50
Because they're going to test the bones.
55:52
Be like, you know, assuming he calls for help.
55:56
And they're going to be like, hey, this is your dad.
55:57
Well, what if they, oh, they will say?
56:01
Well, yeah, they're going to do a DNA test and be like, Darren, this is your dad.
56:04
And he'd be like, my dad is Santa?
56:05
Yeah, just layers on layers on layers.
56:07
Oh.
56:09
And then he ate Santa.
56:11
Yeah.
56:14
What kind of soup?
56:15
It's called soup data.
56:20
Okay.
56:20
Okay.
56:21
Well, I think we've thoroughly answered the big question.
56:25
The big question.
56:26
Look out, Darren, you piece of shit.
56:28
Yeah.
56:29
Be nice.
56:30
Darren.
56:31
This is Santa's Dixie.
56:36
Well, we only have one final thing to do on the podcast.
56:44
Yep.
56:46
And that is to guess.
56:50
I don't know what I was doing.
56:53
Francis wound up for something, but then didn't follow.
56:56
I was going to scream the big question, but we're beyond that.
56:58
We're past the big question.
57:00
Totes.
57:01
It's secret word time.
57:03
Oh, yeah.
57:05
I really am hoping for a Christmas miracle.
57:08
Me too.
57:09
I have two guesses for your secret word and a guess for your decoy word.
57:18
Okay.
57:20
Okay.
57:21
I gotta pee.
57:23
Ooh, I'll hold it.
57:24
Okay.
57:25
Never mind.
57:27
Is your word fastidiously?
57:31
No.
57:32
Okay.
57:33
Nice word though, huh?
57:34
Yeah, good word.
57:36
Is your word condensed?
57:40
No.
57:41
Okay.
57:42
It's the word mavandata.
57:45
There was also a word that you said earlier on that I forgot to write down, that I'm worried it's the word.
57:50
Well, we'll find out, won't we?
57:53
What's your guess for my decoy word?
57:55
I'm guessing your decoy word is niece?
57:59
No.
58:00
Oh, dang.
58:01
Oh, you scared me because you're done?
58:04
Yeah, I'm finished.
58:05
Okay, you scared me because you started writing down after I said it.
58:09
No!
58:11
Yeah.
58:12
No, I was close.
58:13
You were close.
58:14
Oh.
58:14
So my real word was bloodline.
58:18
Oh, and I wrote down niece.
58:21
Yeah.
58:21
I got the wrong part of that.
58:22
Yeah.
58:23
And my decoy word was trance, which I said in the beginning.
58:27
Wait, when did you say that?
58:29
during invention of the week
58:31
during invention of the week
58:33
you're gonna be in a trance
58:37
these prices or so
58:38
something
58:38
oh
58:39
that's
58:42
that was a real way
58:43
that was a stupid
58:44
I don't know why I didn't
58:45
notice that
58:46
that was a stupid way
58:47
to say that
58:48
okay
58:50
okay
58:51
okay
58:52
there's a word I wrote down
58:55
I'm scared as your decoy words
58:57
so I'm not going to say that one
58:59
is your word
59:01
latchkey?
59:03
no
59:03
do I do it?
59:07
do it
59:07
because I don't think you wrote down anything
59:10
I don't know why I'm telling you
59:12
is your word divergence?
59:14
no
59:14
I knew you were going to guess that
59:15
I actually knew you were going to guess that too
59:18
because I saw you write something down right after I said it
59:20
and I was like thanks it's divergence
59:22
darn idiot
59:23
no my secret word
59:25
is spectator.
59:30
I asked if you would ever sit on the stairs
59:32
and hold the little bars and be a spectator to Santa.
59:36
That's a good one.
59:37
I thought that was a real awkward way to say that.
59:39
You did it well.
59:39
It was okay.
59:40
I'm grateful that you didn't.
59:42
I was dizzy from the carbon monoxide.
59:44
Yeah.
59:44
You were in a trance.
59:46
My bloodline was in a trance from the carbon monoxide.
59:49
My decoy word was withheld,
59:54
which I'm trying to remember how I said that now.
59:55
It was related to Francis's alternate invention.
1:00:01
Oh, yes.
1:00:02
It will be withheld from the regular listeners.
1:00:07
The decoy, or his new invention of the week.
1:00:10
Which, again...
1:00:11
The Christmas pigs are here.
1:00:19
The Boxing Day pigs.
1:00:21
We better go.
1:00:23
Go social media.
1:00:24
Very fine friends.
1:00:25
if you want to see what the invention was
1:00:29
send us a message
1:00:33
and we will send you that
1:00:35
and if you want to know
1:00:38
we both got a point for saying our secret words
1:00:40
but sadly no extra points were added
1:00:43
but if you want to check out the point totals
1:00:46
go to veryfinefriends.com
1:00:48
you can check those out
1:00:49
but in the meantime
1:00:52
I hope you all
1:00:54
wait, what?
1:00:55
One last thing.
1:00:56
Yes.
1:00:57
We decided to give our listeners one drink of water.
1:01:02
Free.
1:01:04
I'm going to be honest.
1:01:05
I was originally against this idea.
1:01:07
But it is Christmas after all.
1:01:12
So you get one, listeners, you get one sip of water.
1:01:20
That was beautiful.
1:01:22
Merry Christmas, y'all.
1:01:23
Merry Christmas, everybody.
1:01:25
Bye.