Latest / She's Next Level / 39: How To Be Prioritized & Supported By Family (Without The Guilt, Shame, Misunderstanding)
Transcript
- Darshna Patel: Hello everybody and welcome back to the She's Next Level podcast. If you're watching me on video, I am here in my mom's car. ⁓ now the AC is ⁓ blast. So if you do hear that, that's what it is. We have had a situation today. It's been really interesting navigating my day ⁓ ⁓ myself, my emotions. ⁓ been on emotional mastery journey lately. So like great timing for me to like practice everything that I'm learning. And so yeah, haven't been able to use Wi-Fi at home. There's no like barely any network, even with my regular phone. So I've had to kind of readjust a lot of things for my day. And I'm still here. I'm showing up for you guys because I was like, I gotta get this out. Like I really want to record a podcast. So we're gonna make it happen somehow. with that being said, If you are new here, welcome. I'm Darsh. I help women look hotter, feel healthier, and be happier. So everything that we talk about in this podcast is going to be around feminine wellness and how to really become the healthiest version of yourself. Because honestly, without your health, you really can't do shit. And women that I work with, with my one-on-one clients, and even in my own journey, I've really ⁓ how much of a storyteller your body is. Like a personal life coach, and your body's always communicating to you so many things. And it's been really cool to kind of go down that rabbit hole, decode what the body does, how it works, what it's trying to tell you, and everything to do with holistic healing. ⁓ that's what we do. ⁓ if you are interested in healing your hair symptoms, anything that's going on with your hair or your body, you can look in the description box below to apply for a one on one session to work with me to really help you heal naturally and permanently. ⁓ And so without further ado, let's get started. And today's episode is all around the subject of family. And it's really interesting because I feel like it's been a while and it's been a motherfucking journey of healing my relationship with my parents. And obviously I live with them. So like a lot of the internal situations and the internal beliefs and all of these things that happens internally gets reflected out externally like that's how reality works gets through with my parents and if you're anything like me if you have had a rough childhood growing up I mean I have Indian parents so Indian parents Asian kids are fucking tormented to be super smart to listen to your parents and do everything that they expect you to to really like Be the version of yourself that they want you to be versus how you want to be. And I definitely can attest that. in my household, my dad was really strict growing up. There were a lot of restrictions, and that's exactly why I rebelled a lot. ⁓ And really just felt like I never belonged. I felt like the black sheep in my family. I never felt understood. ⁓ And importantly, ⁓ with topic of today's episode, I didn't feel prioritized. All of that led to me not feeling prioritized because ⁓ I really feeled. like valued for who I was and I never felt like I could actually be my authentic self because of that. Never really felt special because of that. All of these things. and so lot of my work is around self-prioritization. And as I dive deeper into self prioritization as one of the pieces of my work, I really start to understand and notice this common pattern as to why people are not as happy and they are in their lives. why people deal with conflicts like with their parents or any other type of relationship because they are not prioritizing themselves. And in society, I do feel like, you know, we're made to feel guilty of prioritizing yourself because it's selfish or because, you know, we have to be considerate of others or just because it's just not the norm to put yourself first, to prioritize your needs and what you need. And there's just so much a lot of like right and wrong in society. And so I feel like A lot of that really can develop a skewed perspective because everything is a motherfucking perspective in you actually feeling safe and feeling worthy to prioritize yourself, to put yourself first, to be able to set boundaries and say, Hey, no, actually this doesn't work for me. And so that has been a big chunk of my journey in doing that with my parents because That unconditional love that we all deep down desire to feel and to f receive, it really comes from our parents. Like that is where it all started. And It is the one area of life where if you feel accepted there, then it is more easier for you to feel accepted by the world. ⁓ And for me, I've definitely ⁓ Felt that way and in my experience, because a lot of shit starts from your childhood. Obviously, if you have been doing this work for a while, or even if you're new to self-help and healing, you will start to notice that pattern. And so that's why I also do think that it is important to heal your relationship with your parents and go about that route. where I was before and where I am now is like night and day, and there's still things that I'm continuing to work on, but as I've been implementing a lot of self-projetization with my family and some of the things that I'll share with you guys today, ⁓ it's really ⁓ been a game because before I remember like I used to feel like, my needs were never met, and I felt they didn't care about me. I felt like they were out to get me like a lot of the things that they would say or do. Like, you know, a lot of people, if they don't understand how emotions work and they don't have a grip on their emotions, like they can say certain things that can feel hurtful. And before obviously I didn't know and understand emotions the way that I do now. So I'm able to work with them better and navigate these conflict experiences if it does happen. I'm not saying that you'll get rid of problems with your parents that can come up, like issues, like disagreements, but you'll have the tools to handle them better when you understand emotions and how they work and why people do what they do. ⁓ And so I just felt really misunderstood. when I was 19, I moved out of my parents' home, went to New York, lived there since COVID. Like ⁓ I made it my mission. did everything that I could and everything that I went through in my life. To not come back home, to not be living with my parents, because it was just a very toxic household growing up, like a lot of arguments, a lot of physical and mental abuse, like just very, very chaotic. And so I didn't want to go back to that. started working on healing my relationship with my mom a few years ago. And then it's been more of my dad now. And it's been really, really cool to see all of it unfold where I was working so hard to avoid my parents and just like not be around them. And just because I couldn't feel like I could handle being around them because of the way they were and the way I was was so different. now I love hanging out with my mom. Like I have so much fun with her. And it's not that she's changed. It's that I have changed. And so because you change and your perception changes, that is how everybody's going to respond to you. And the things that they do, even if even if they don't change, does not trigger you anymore. Same with my dad. I have been opening up more to and with him as I feel more comfortable being more of myself around him essentially it has been a great journey ⁓ a great lesson. And in this journey and lesson, ⁓ interesting how I noticed like the patterns in my mom and in my dad ⁓ how self-prioritization wasn't a thing for them. So of course it wasn't a thing for me. And why I think it is so important for you to prioritize working on healing your relationship with your parents and prioritize yourself, especially in that area of life, is because you are not going to feel any different in a soul partner relationship or friendships, any other external like business relationships, any other type of relationship, it is way easier actually to heal your relationship with your parents and work. On self-prioritization with your family than it is externally with others. And I know that sounds kind of like, what? I have a hard time with my parents, bitch. Like, what are you talking about? I get it because I've been there, but the more I do it, it's been a lot easier for me to handle this here. And also because a lot of your childhood programming comes from your family area of life. And your parents are the ones that unconditionally love you. One of the things that I've noticed that causes you to not prioritize yourself and causes a bit of a friction between your family's needs and your needs is the lack of communication. And communication is like a whole nother thing that I know I've created like a podcast episode about it prior, ⁓ but we can dive deeper into it if you guys want. The thing with communication is the higher frequency way of communicating is actually being able to talk to somebody and understand like what their needs are and understand your needs, right? And communicate and talk to them in a way where you are prioritizing yourself and your needs and helping them see how prioritizing you is helping them as well. And both people getting what they want. See, a lot of people, what they do when it comes to communicating, especially with their members that you know, they may not get along with or they just may have a disagreement or conflict with, is that they start pointing fingers and they start saying that this is why this has happened and it's your fault, or like, I don't want to do this and you're making me do something I don't want to do or I don't agree. Like, why are you like this? Right. A lot of these things come up. And the problem with that is that whenever you're pointing at somebody else, you are pointing out what they did is wrong. And nobody ever wants to feel like what they did is wrong. Nobody ever wants to feel like they're being told what to do. And I see this all the time actually between my mom and dad and how they communicate. And then it's interesting when I communicate with my parents, it's like I am looking for the way to communicate with them what it is that I need and helping them see how what it is that I need and help them prioritizing me is helping them too. Or at least finding a way for both of us to get what we want. But making sure that I am prioritizing myself. So like, for example, the other day, my dad wanted me come to the library with him to help him with some stuff. And I had just finished up the things that I needed to do and I was hungry and I needed to eat, right? Most people will prioritize the person that they care about helping because they're afraid of what that person's gonna think about them or say or even their parents, right? And like maybe they'll flip or maybe they won't do the thing that I need them to do for me anymore. But instead, I told my dad, I was like, Well, I need to eat. I'm more than happy to help you. I'm gonna eat first and then I'll come and meet you there. At the library and I got you. I know my dad example comes up a lot because like I've been working on this with my dad, and my mom's pretty solid with this. ⁓ another example of like what can come up ⁓ is ⁓ us not prioritizing our time. So like whenever our parents need something from us, or whenever our parents feel like, you know, we're not being a way that they want us to behave or anything like that, a lot of it is really just showing us where we are not prioritizing ourselves and where we are making ourselves do things that we don't want to do, or where we are not filling up our cup. Because a lot of this stuff comes down to us not valuing our time. So if you ever feel like Everyone is taking you for granted and like everyone is you know, using up all the time that you have and like needs so many things from you and you don't have time for yourself. Like, where are you not prioritizing yourself with your time? That is a big one for me because my time is super valuable. And so I'm very mindful of like, even if I get like a friend text coming in, I put my my phone is on, do not disturb, like majority of the day. So I'm getting back to people when I'm able to get back to them, when I'm in the headspace for it, and making sure that I'm prioritizing my career, I'm prioritizing ⁓ my like my physical health, all of those things first. Also, like where are you not filling up your cup ⁓ the ways that you know that you desire to? And so when you don't do that, you can't show up for your parents, you can't show up for anybody else any better. And so ⁓ parents are then definitely going to reflect to you, because everything is an inside out world, they're definitely gonna reflect to you how you have been being towards yourself in that way, of them needing things from you. ⁓ And not respecting your boundaries because you are not doing that for yourself. And so it can get a little nuancy when it comes to self-prioritization, but this is how I've noticed it with my family is by really addressing what my needs are and unapologetically, because if you even feel an ounce of guilt by like letting them know, like, hey, I can't do this right now, maybe I can do it another time, or I just this doesn't feel line for me right now, or any type of help that you need from them. I feel like this is the thing ⁓ that will really help you when you start communicating ⁓ without guilt. And how you get to that place without guilt is really understanding why it's so to prioritize yourself, like why it's important to put first. ⁓ And any type of limitation that you put on yourself, like it will show up. And if you definitely are around your family a lot, like it will show up in your family area a lot. And it will really show you where you are not giving yourself what you need and you are not filling up your cup. And I see this a lot with my clients. And that's why I wanted to mention this. And of course I do, because like it's been a big thing in my life. And I think the biggest ⁓ Thing that I had difficulty with was saying no to my parents because growing up, saying no to them was being disrespectful to them. And that's how they translated it. But it's because they didn't know any better, because they weren't able to say no to the people and the things that they needed to do to be quote unquote responsible. And then they were dying on the inside because of that. So I think it is important to realize that. When you are at your best, and again, this is gonna get so nuancedy, but at least for since we're talking in the family area of life, when you are at your best and you're doing everything you can to prioritize yourself for what you need taking the time to understand yourself to know what the fuck you need, because most people don't even know ⁓ what they want, they need. But if you once you slow down and you ask yourself, like, what is it that I need right now? Before I do anything for anybody, especially in your family area of life, like this is when you start to understand the value of it because you notice how you're able to show up better for other people. You're able to give people your hundred percent versus fifty percent. And this is why I believe in half asking anything. ⁓ Yes, like even if we have days where we're not feeling our percent, You do what you gotta do to get back to a hundred percent, but you do it for you. You're not doing it for anybody else. You're doing it for you because it feels good to feel good. Like ⁓ When you get a taste of how it feels to feel good, you wanna feel good. Your soul wants to feel good. The other piece that has really helped me feel more at peace with my family and more accepting of them and also feel more comfortable in prioritizing myself with my family has been all around honestly listening to their perspective and respecting it. And it doesn't mean that I have to agree with everything that they say. Most of the times I actually don't. ⁓ Everybody wants to feel accepted for who they are. And that is truly what unconditional love actually is, is accepting what is because you know that it's not about you. when we come down to reflections and law of reflections, I've talked about this before in previous episodes, ⁓ where it's an inside world. Yes, they may be reflecting to you what's going on internally, especially if you're emotionally triggered by what they say, but it doesn't. ⁓ like mean anything about you as far as who you are. And a lot of people tend to think take things very personally and take it as a personal attack versus realizing like this is helping me get better. This is showing me something, like this is not how they feel. Like your parents fucking love you no matter what the fuck they do. And so the key to becoming more closer with your family and feeling prioritized by your family where your family's doing things for you, your family is prioritizing your needs. And showing up for you the way that you desire for them to. One of it is obviously by you prioritizing yourself, like we talked about, and doing it in the tinier ways. And even if you feel uncomfortable in the beginning, like do it because your body's gonna start getting used to it. And what's the worst thing that they can say is no? Okay. Great. Like that's fine. Like you try again, you go at it again, you learn a different way. of communicating what you need and without guilt, you get to that place ⁓ then you don't feel like they need a change anymore for you to be happy. And that's the that's the place that you want to be because then you truly get to ⁓ yourself and be comfortable around like what you want and everything that you do without feeling judgment, not only for yourself, but then from others. And I think judgment Is really something that fucks a lot of people up, especially in just receiving unconditional but then also ⁓ in feeling prioritized. Because you're judging everything that you're doing, you are not putting yourself first. Like you are basically making yourself feel bad by doing things like putting yourself first and prioritizing yourself. ⁓ Whereas in the truth is that Nobody else is actually judging you. It's really you. And so when you start to put yourself first, when you start to not judge yourself for putting yourself first, but realizing that this is the thing that is going to help not just myself but everybody around me become better and become healthier. This is what we do is become healthier, happier, and hotter. Then that is the sweet spot. That is the place. I've really been noticing this with my parents, I don't have a car. I use their cars. ⁓ So ⁓ they have work too. And we've just kind of coordinating with each other. And it was really cool to see how my dad was like, I know you have to go somewhere at this time. I'm not gonna take in any work that comes in because then you can have the car. And like it's been kinda cool to see ⁓ In little ways and how my parents are like prioritizing me more and more because I'm doing it for myself and therefore I don't need anybody for to do it for me. And so when you're not in the energy of need anymore, that's when things just start to draw in towards you. It's so interesting because like I didn't even have my notes today. ⁓ I kind of just drove off and I was just like, all right, we'll just we're just gonna let it rip. And so if you're still here listening, I love you, girl. I appreciate you. And think the key takeaway point of podcast episode is to really really allow yourself and give yourself permission ⁓ to Work on improving your relationship with your family if you haven't had a healthy family dynamic. And if you have been struggling with prioritizing yourself and putting yourself first, like start here because the family area of life, it may feel like the most pain in the ass because those are the people that love you the most, that know you the most, because you grew up with them, obviously, especially your parents. But it's going to be the most rewarding because. When you shift this with your family and you start to put yourself first, you are prioritizing your family area of life, your relationships outside of family, your friendships, your partner or your potential partner, your business relationships, they get better. And it's way easier for you to then put yourself first in those kinds of relationships. And I know you're like, I have been dealing with this shit forever with my family. I know how they are. It's never worked. But if you can do the hard shit first, everything else gets easier. ⁓ So if you can do this, and I know you can I've done it, then ⁓ Everything else will fall into place. It'll get a lot more easier for you. It's definitely worth it because family is family, man. Like no matter what happens, family is ride or die. And no matter what they do, what they say, they'll always love you no matter what. it's just that everything is being reflected back to you. And so if you do really want to improve your relationship with your parents, ⁓ start putting yourself first. Because there's no better feeling in the world than feeling like you're important enough to be prioritized. You're important enough to be first. You're valuable enough to be picked first to be number one. Somebody's number one. Like it's beautiful. And it starts from you prioritizing yourself. And there's a lot other more benefits that comes from you putting yourself first, right? Like you feeling and looking and being your best This is where we start, at least with the family area of life. You obviously are listening to this episode, is because you want to heal your relationship with your parents in some way or feel prioritized by your parents. This is like the one piece that will help you there. ⁓ Thank you for listening my story and tuning in today, guys. I appreciate you for being here. And it's been a really interesting day, but I'm showing up regardless. And if you haven't left me a review for this podcast, please do so. Like it really helps grow the podcast, get it out there. I wouldn't be able to do it without you. And you loved this episode and you got some amazing gems out of it. Let me know on Instagram. My Instagram is Darsh Vibes, D-A-R-S-H-V-I-B-E-S-S. And be sure to share it with a friend. I'm pretty sure you have friend that feels the same way ⁓ around family and has dealt with shit with their family. It's definitely a topic that's not really talked about, but that is why we're talking about it. And next week I have a special guest coming on the podcast to talk ⁓ all around So that's gonna be super fun. So make you subscribe, turn on the notifications so you don't miss out on that. And further ado, I will catch you guys in the next. Episode. Bye.